The Young Offenders (2018) s03e02 Episode Script

1
This is just another one of your
stupid lies to get away with shit.
It is total bullshit.
The problem with being a teenager
is that no-one ever believes you,
even when you're actually
telling the truth.
It's not total bullshit, it's true.
Fuck off. Why does Siobhan
need the two of ye
to take Star to get her jabs?
You're just trying to go on the hop.
Siobhan has a phobia of needles.
Honestly, like,
we're telling the truth.
I swear on me mam's grave,
and that means a lot
cos she's already dead.
OK, sorry.
I might have overreacted.
I just didn't think you'd be
doing something so thoughtful.
It's OK, Mam.
We all make mistakes.
Take the day off
and I'll cover for you.
And take Star to the doctor,
all right, but just
I've got to go.
See you, lads.
I can't believe she bought that.
What do you want to do for the day?
But as Jock says, if no-one's
going to believe us teenagers
when we're telling the truth,
we may as well be bullshitting
all the time.
These are the Holy Grail of bikes.
All other bikes have been
in preparation for these.
They really are a thing of beauty.
Look.
Oh, boy, I don't know.
I'm getting heartburn just
thinking about robbing them, like.
Oh, no,
these bikes are getting robbed,
and to be honest with you, we
actually just don't have a choice.
Whywhy's that?
Well, I was watching this thing
on telly the other day and
it basically said that working-class
people are locked in a cycle of
criminal activity from a young age
and it's impossible to escape
..and that's us, boy.
No, that doesn't sound true, like.
Are you telling me
you're a middle-class fella?
Fuck off, boy!
I'm not fucking middle-class.
Fellas, how can I help you?
All right, Philip.
We're just going
to steal some of these bikes, OK?
Oh, no, lads, please.
This is getting too easy.
I know, it's like
stealing candy from a baby.
Stop there,
you little fucking pricks!
Oh Bollocks!
Hey!
Conor, I forgot to
tell you something.
What's that? Get back here!
These bikes might look cool,
but they're the slowest
fucking bikes on the entire planet.
Now you're telling me.
Get back here, you little pricks!
Can't find how to
change gears on this thing.
My legs are knackered already.
I hate to break it to you,
but there is only one gear.
Healy's got 21 gears
and he's right behind us.
Save your oxygen and
keep fucking pedalling.
Coming through!
Sorry for your loss!
When Healy was dating me ma,
I once asked him
what his favourite movie was,
thinking he might surprise me.
And guess what he said?
Terminator.
BOTH: Fuck!
This is really starting
to be not fun.
I have you now! I have you now!
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
I got these for emergencies
and I'm pretty sure
this counts as an emergency.
BANG!
AIR HISSES
Fuck's sake.
Fuck!
For fuck He's still coming, even
with a flat tyre. What do we do?
There's only one thing we can do.
What's that?
We cycle out of the city What?
That flat tyre
will break him eventually.
We've just got to keep going.
Right, it's time to go up a gear.
Yeah, that'd be great if
we actually had fucking gears.
PANTING: Jesus Fucking
There's one thing that myself and
Jock and that prick Sergeant Healy
actually have in common -
we have all now participated
in the slowest bike chase in
the history of fucking bike chases.
What are you doing?
Temporary truce, old boy!
How about we all take a break and
continue this chase in five minutes?
Yeah, yeah.
Good stuff, old chap!
Why's he stopped?
It's the rules of war, Conor. A
white flag means a temporary truce.
What if he cheats? He won't cheat.
You can't cheat when someone waves
a white flag, boy. It's the rules.
Plus, we've got youth on our side.
Yeah, but he's got fitness.
And a faster bike, and the law.
And he doesn't smoke.
Con, just a little bit of positivity
now, bit of fucking positive energy,
OK, wouldn't go astray now.
Positivity, is it?
I positively think we shouldn't
have stole these fucking bikes!
OK, I don't need you up my hole now
about these fucking bikes, OK?
Here, boy.
Look at Healy, look at Healy.
I swear that prick is moving, boy.
He wouldn't do that.
Rules are rules, like you say.
I'm telling you, boy, look at him.
He is moving, boy, he's cheating.
Cheating bastard!
Jolly off!
THEY GROAN
PANTING: Come back here
Ah, God!
My fucking legs!
You won't get away
I have you now
Come on Come on!
That's it, boy. I'm quitting.
My legs are quitting.
I can't cycle any more.
Come on, Conor. Keep going.
Jump on the back. Never
leave a man down. Get on!
No, no, wait! You're too fucking
heavy. Get off me. Get off me!
THEY COUGH
BOTH PANT AND SPLUTTER
Just keep moving, boy.
Come on Come on We can do it.
In here Get here
HE PANTS
THEY LAUGH
Woohoo! We did it!
go back to Cork, old boy.
We've gotten away this time.
That's it, old fella,
you might as well just
toodle-oo back to fucking Cork!
THEY LAUGH
Fucking told you, boy,
you can always trust
HEALY WHOOPS
Yes! Woohoo! Oh, yes!
Woohoo!
Why's he woohooing? What are you
What are you woohooing for?
I'll tell you why.
I've done it.
I've finally got you fuckers!
You see, I know this place.
This is O'Donovan's old dairy farm.
It's been sealed up for years
and there's no way out.
I can wait here forever.
You will get cold, you will starve.
You will give up.
I will get backup,
and I will arrest you, so
As I was saying, woohoo!
He's right, boy! There's no way out.
What are we going to do?
We We dig a tunnel?
With our bare hands?
That'll take fucking months.
I'm going to be hungry in
about half an hour.
I don't know! Do you have
any fucking ideas? Well
All right,
we set the warehouse on fire
Right, and then?
That's it.
We're fucked. Yeah, we are.
Yeah, we're fucked. We're fucked.
Good sport today, old chap!
If you leave us go, we will return
home to Great Britain.
I concur.
We will send forth
back to Blighty London.
I do know you're not English,
yeah, you fucking tools.
WHISPERS: How does he know that?
Don't know, just keep it up.
we could convene in the morrow
in town and we could pick this up
at some time and place
Teatime.
No. I'm staying right here
until you come out,
then I'm going to milk you just like
O'Donovan used to milk his cows.
That doesn't really make
..make any sense, old chap.
Yes, it does, because it means
Well, it doesn't fucking matter what
it means because I'm calling backup.
Today's the day that
I take you two down.
What are we supposed to do?
Ssh! He can hear us!
WHISPERS: What now?
PHONE RINGS
Superintendent Flynn speaking.
Sir, Sergeant Healy.
Active pursuit of suspects ongoing
on the Lissarda Road out of Cork.
Request for full backup.
Jesus Christ, Healy.
What are you up to now?
Sir, I have single-handedly
tracked and cornered those masked
teenage scumbags to O'Donovan's
old warehouse on the Lissarda Road.
Wait.
Are you telling me you followed
those two little eejits
that you're obsessed with all the
way out of town? Yes, sir, and
You listen to me now, boy.
You need to start
looking after your mental health.
Stress is the number one
health issue in men under 40.
You need to let go of this obsession
and come back to town. Right?
Good man.
CALL ENDS
This is all your fault!
How the fuck is it my fault?
It was your idea to lie to Mam
and it was your idea to
rob all the stupid bikes.
That just makes me
the fucking idea guy, Con, yeah?
OK, and don't take this
the wrong way
but sometimes you can be
a boring dickhead!
So I have to choose between
either being a boring dickhead
or getting arrested for
all the bikes we stole?
Which is about 300 bikes,
or to put it another way,
four years in prison
or to put it yet another way,
four brand spanking new holes for
lifers to fucking go to town on.
Look at the fucking mess
we're in, boy!
We need to stop lying. You
YOU need to stop lying.
Yeah, yeah, OK, Con,
you've made your point, OK?
But what are we going to do now?
We need to call Mam.
We can't call Mam,
she'll fucking kill us.
Of course she'll fucking kill us,
but she's also the only adult
that cares about us.
We just need to call her
and tell her everything.
JOCK EXHALES
All right.
Yeah.
But not, not everything.
Everything.
Yeah? Yeah.
But not everything.
Everything, all right?
Yeah!
But But not everything.
Everything! I'm calling her now.
There you go, love.
Thank you, folks, we'll see you.
PHONE VIBRATES
What do you want? I'm busy cos two
dickheads didn't show up to work.
WHISPERS: Mam, it's Mam, it's me.
I know who it is.
What are you whispering for?
You don't have to fucking whisper
in the doctors.
Uh
Actually, we're not actually
at the doctors, Mam.
So you lied to me.
I fucking knew it!
Let Where are you?
What are you fucking?
No, look, me and Jock
are in serious trouble, Mam.
What trouble?
Well, I
I'll tell you but you have to
promise not to lose your temper.
I won't lose my fucking temper.
Just tell me what's going on.
It sounds like
you're losing your temper, Mam.
I'M NOT GOING TO LOSE MY
fucking temper.
Just fucking tell me.
All right, so, what happened is,
the thing is So
The only reason why I'm ringing
It all started back when
I was
Eh Fucking
I can't do it. Here.
Just make sure you tell her
everything, all right? Yeah.
Don't hold back.
Obviously, obviously.
Mairead? Hello?
How are you, Mairead?
Listen
Basically, Healy has got some
fucking bullshit idea into his head
that we're these
big-time bike thieves
and he's chased us down to
a warehouse on the Lissarda Road.
Obviously there's
no truth to it at all.
We didn't do nothing, but
we're trapped and we kind of just
need you to come and break us out.
MUFFLED INDISTINCT SHOUTING
Yeah?
OK.
OK
Yeah, yeah, see you in a while, so.
Thanks, Mairead.
Yeah, thanks.
She all right?
You know what,
she actually seemed
seemed so all right about it.
SHE SCREAMS
STIFLED SCREAMING
SHE SCREAMS
SHE CONTINUES SCREAMING
CRASH!
I'm going to fucking kill them
At least
At least we told Mam the truth.
Yeah. All right.
Yeah, you did tell her, yeah?
I spoke to her, yeah. Yeah.
But did you tell her the truth?
Yeah, don't worry, boy.
I talked to her.
Yeah, I know you fucking talked
to her but what did you say?
I said that
Healy chased us down here
cos he thinks we stole some bikes.
All right, but did you tell her
that we DID steal the bikes?
I spoke to her.
When she gets here we're fucking
telling her the truth, all right?
Yeah, all right.
I mean, like,
we'll definitely talk to her.
We'll We will definitely do that.
The fuck are you doing here?
You stalking me again?
No.
No, I'm just here because
Wait, what are you doing
all the way out here?
Jesus, like This is where
I come to clear my head, all right?
Everyone knows Lissarda Road
is Mairead's walking road.
Fuck's sake, like.
How long were we together
and you don't even remember that?
No, yeah, I do, I do,
I do remember that, yeah.
But honestly, I'm not here for that.
Then why are you here?
I've cornered two bike-thieving
scumbags in that warehouse.
Really?
In there?
Yeah, I've been after
those teenage bastards for years.
Now I've finally got the little
fuckers where I want them.
Just waiting onbackup.
like a negotiator.
Yeah, we're not leaving
without a negotiator.
You know, like in that film,
what's it called?
The Negotiator?
Yeah. Like Samuel I Jackson.
Yeah, well,
Samuel I Jackson's not here.
And he wasn't the negotiator anyway.
He meant Kevin Spacey.
Yeah, well, Kev's not here either.
We want to talk to the nice lady.
Not the Guard prick, the nice lady,
then we might give ourselves up.
It's just a thought but
why don't I go in and talk to them?
Mairead,
this is police business, OK?
Healy, two teenage boys being pricks
is my area of expertise,
I think you'll agree.
If I can talk them out,
you can take the credit.
Mam, come on!
HEALY KNOCKS
Mairead? Are you OK?
If you boys lay a finger on her,
I swear to God
I'm fine, Healy, I'm fine.
Don't worry, if anyone lays a finger
on me they'll fucking know about it.
OK.
Hello, boys, how are ye?!
Can we talk?!
Yes, I I think
that's a jolly good idea!
That's an interesting accent
you have.
Yes.
We're from England, don't you know?
I know they're not
fucking English, OK?
So what the fuck is going on here?
What?
WHISPERS: We're talking
through this so Healy can't hear us.
Seriously?
It's a massive fucking warehouse.
What did she say?
We can have a conversation fucking
anywhere, just not by the door.
We're in some serious shit, Mam.
What do we do?
Healy's after us
for stealing bikes.
Why does he think you stole bikes?
Because We did steal bikes.
What?
We borrowed bikes, Conor.
Oh, fuck!
We were going to bring them back,
Mairead. I swear.
OK, OK, it's not that bad.
We go out, we face the music
because it could be
an awful lot worse, right?
For a start, he's got this mental
idea in his head
that the two of you
are those masked scumbags.
I think their names
are Fake Billy and Princess.
That's not the whole truth, Mam.
There's something else we need
to tell you. No, there isn't.
There isn't. Yes, there is.
We need to let her know.
No, we do not need to fucking
let her know. Let me know what?
Nothing, OK?
We're telling you everything.
What's basically happened, he's
chased us down because he thought
Give me Give me the masks!
Lads, what the fuck are you doing?
Stop!
Get off me!
Give me the masks!
I swear to God, Conor
I I can explain, Mairead. See
We found the masks
in a bin last week.
Jock, will you stop fucking lying?
MAIREAD EXHALES
Say something.
You've actually managed You've
actually managed to fucking do it.
I'm fucking speech
I'm fucking speechless.
SHE EXHALES
After all I've done
What an idiot.
Me or Conor?
Me!
And you!
And fucking you!
And all of us!
SHE SOBS
What do What do we do now?
There's only one thing we can do.
You're going to have
to turn yourselves in.
BOTH: What? No fucking way!
You asked me to help you,
now I'm helping you, all right?
You're teenagers. We can get you
solicitors or whatever.
It's just, we We stole a lot more
bikes than you think we might
No, no, we didn't, we didn't.
How many? Like, five.
Maybe five, tops.
Yeah, nearer 200
..and 50
..9. Might as well
just round it up to 300.
I don't know where you're getting these numbers
from but your maths is way fucking off, Con.
You're going to go to prison
for this, you know that, yeah?
Boy, will you just stop?
I've had enough, all right?
Just fucking stop.
What are you crying for?
Because this has upset me,
all right?
You have upset me.
Listening to your bullshit
is great craic a lot of the time
but there comes a point where
you got to just tell the truth,
and you never fucking know
when that is!
Stop crying, boy,
you're going to set me off.
I can't just stop crying
now I've started.
I didn't mean to upset you.
What do you want me to do, like?
Maybe just tell the truth.
About what? About everything, boy.
Sorry, boy,
I'll tell the truth from now on.
Sorry.
OK, Mairead, yeah,
we took them bikes.
We didn't find the masks in the bin.
We are the masked scumbags.
And what else?
VOICE OVER:
Telling the truth is strange.
Once you start, it's hard to stop.
And when I said When I said
I did the washing the other day,
I didn't do it at all.
I just licked the plates clean.
Oh, Jesus.
And you remember
when you were called into school
because we got caught
in the staffroom?
Well, the truth is, me and Conor
had been collecting pigeon shit
for a few weeks and we replaced
Principal Walsh's milk bottle.
That's enough. Oh, my God, this
feels so good, it feels so good.
And Mairead, before you were
my Mam, OK, I used
I used to have a wank
occasionally thinking about you.
Now, I wouldn't do that any more.
Stop fucking talking La la la!
Shut up! It was back in the day, OK?
Shut up!
OK. This feels so much better.
Oh, that's a weight.
That's a weight off.
There you go, Mam.
You know everything.
I know too fucking much.
What's going on in there?
Are you OK, Mairead?
I'm all right, Healy. Hold your
horses. We're making progress here.
We'll be out in a minute.
PHONE RINGS
Superintendent Flynn speaking.
Sir, it's me.
Healy.
Healy, please tell me
you're back in town.
Afraid not, sir.
Look, would it be fair to say that
you find me and my obsession with
these two boys a constant annoyance?
Yes. I think it's safe to say
you're the biggest pain in my hole.
You're even worse than my prostate
and that's saying something.
So would it be also safe to say
that if you did send backup,
and we did catch these two,
you wouldn't have to listen to me
going on about them, day in day out,
until the very day that you retire?
Followed by daily house calls
just to keep you in the loop?
Prick!
Right, where are you?
Hey! Scumbags!
The game is up.
Backup is on its way.
Fuck!
Fuck! What do we do?
Fuck, all right, there's only
one thing we can do, right?
I'll distract Healy
and you try and get away.
How are you going to do that?
How do you fucking think?
I'm going to flirt with him.
You You can't do that, Mam.
It's fine. I'm completely over him.
I have no feelings for Healy
any more. Nothing.
No, no, no. You
You just can't do that.
I've seen you try to flirt before.
You're fucking crap at it.
I can flirt.
And I'm actually really good at it.
Hmm
OK Go on, so, show us.
All right.
One second.
Hey. How you doing?
Do you want to find, like
a quiet corner
and we can get to know each other?
WHISPERS: Really well.
No, I'm not sure
that's going to work, Mam.
Huh? Yeah.
That should do it all right.
Don't do any more of that,
especially after
what he said earlier.
The fuck you doing?
Right I'm going to go.
And if, IF we get out of this, when
I'm finished with the two of you,
you're going to wish
you went to prison.
Oh, I got a stitch, boy.
Stitch? I got a stitch in my side.
From what, running?
I don't know what it was there
but I must have got up too quickly.
Got a stitch or something. I'm going
to try and walk it off, yeah?
What are you doing, Mairead?
I lied to them, all right?
I told them you're bluffing,
so they're not going anywhere.
They think they've beaten you.
Right.
OK, good plan.
So you can relax.
Look, Healy
Seeing as they're not going
anywhere, why don't we just
..take this opportunity
to have a walk,
and talk about us?
Us? Us.
Mairead, are you saying you think
there could be an us again?
That's exactly what I'm saying.
What do you say?
Fuck's sake.
Fuck's sake, really?
So what, you don't
want to talk about us?
You see this? This is what I'm
talking about. This is the problem.
It's the same old shit,
just like when we were together.
I never know
when you're being straight with me.
The fuck is that supposed to mean?
I'll tell you what it means.
Half the time I'm looking at you and I'm afraid
of you cos you look like you want to hit me.
Your fists are clenched
right now, Mairead.
Well, half the time maybe
I do want to fucking punch you.
Go on, then. What?
If it will make you feel better,
do it.
Better?
Actually, yeah, it's kind of
Kind of starting to help.
Well, keep going, then.
Hit me properly
and then just keep going
until you get it out of your
Oh, that's better.
What the fuck is Mam doing?
Don't know, boy. Flirting must have
been different in the old days.
Come on, let's fucking
get out of here.
Wait, wait. What if Healy sees us?
One last time?
One last time.
Here, Jock
Could I be Fake Billy? Just once?
Uh, no.
Yeah, let it all out
There you go
That's good. That's good.
Mairead Mairead!
SHE YELLS
Right, get off.
SHE PANTS
Lying is one of them things
that people do all the time
without thinking.
People lie to themselves
I'm so fucking over you!
..lie to each other
to protect themselves
Yeah, I'm fucking over you too.
..And when you're dodging
the police, everything is just
one big fat fucking lie.
Keep your head down!
SIRENS WAIL
And I guess wearing a mask is
pretty much the ultimate lie,
cos you're not taking responsibility
for anything you do.
OK, coast is clear.
You really are the best, Mam.
Yeah, you are.
And when we get home, we promise
we'll do the washing of
the dishes for a whole month.
VOICE OVER: Well, you can't just
expect me and Jock to change overnight.
We won't actually do it, though?
Not at all, no.
It's going to take a bit of work,
and guidance from our incredibly
loving and understanding mother,
before we're fully reformed
bullshitters.
When we get home we're having
a serious fucking chat
about your behaviour, all right?
No, we've got homework to do.
You're expelled from school.
Just stop the fucking lying!
What the fuck happened to you?
Never mind that, all right?
They're in there.
It's all over, lads!
We're coming in!
Fuck!