Clarkson's Farm (2021) s03e03 Episode Script

1
[theme music playing]
[birds chirping]
[Jeremy sighs]
[Kaleb] Go along the top now.
This one will probably go back on itself.
- [Kaleb] Ready?
- You don't need to throw it, I'm here.
- [Kaleb] Yeah, I have to swing it.
- Yeah, I know this, but I'm tall.
[Kaleb] This is a big day, this.
- [Jeremy] How many tractors?
- A hundred tractors.
- [Jeremy] A hundred tractors?
- A hundred tractors, all for charity.
[Jeremy] Do you go under the sunroof, or?
No, not through there.
[Jeremy sighs]
[Kaleb] I'd much rather do this
with my friends, not you.
Everyone heard that, didn't they?
Did everyone hear that
Christmas good cheer from Kaleb Cooper?
[Kaleb] I need a cable tie.
[Jeremy] I've never known how they work.
I'd be a useless policeman.
- [Kaleb] There you go.
- That's it?
[Kaleb] That's it.
- [Jeremy] I could be a policeman.
- Say it.
- Say the thing.
- [Jeremy] I did a thing?
[Kaleb laughs]
[Christmas music]
[Christmas music continues]
[tractors honking]
[crowd cheering]
I wish you a hopeful Christmas ♪
I wish you a brave new year ♪
All anguish, pain and sadness ♪
Leave your heart
And let your road be clear ♪
They said there'd be snow
at Christmas ♪
They said there'll be peace on earth ♪
Hallelujah, Noel be it heaven or hell ♪
The Christmas we get we deserve ♪
[Jeremy] The annual Christmas tractor run
heralded the start
of the Yuletide festivities.
["I Believe in Father Christmas"
by Greg Lake]
And as everyone settled down
in front of the Boxing Day telly
in their snazzy new jumpers,
I didn't.
[Jeremy] Normally I'd be thinking about:
"Which party shall I go to this evening?"
And: "Where shall I go
tomorrow lunch time?"
All I'm doing now is thinking:
"Have the pigs got water?
"Have the cows got hay?"
[door slamming]
[Jeremy] Morning pigs.
Ready for some food?
[pig oinking]
Big dogs.
Come on. Out you go. Out you go.
Feeling peckish?
Ready, steady, and over she goes.
Oi! Move up.
Come on.
Give you a bit here.
There we go.
And then
Dog get out!
Sansa, heel, heel.
How have you got in here?
How did they get in?
It's Christmas time.
Come on weaners.
Come on weaners. Come on.
Food time.
Arya, Sansa, heel, heel!
Come out, dogs.
Excellent.
Now then.
[thud]
[panting]
Come on.
Well done. Come on.
I want to know how they can both do that,
but they won't jump into the Range Rover.
Come on Sansa, in.
Sansa, get in.
In.
Come on.
Get in.
Sansa, in.
You are such a clown.
[dog moaning and barking]
[instrumental music]
[Jeremy] However,
while Christmas was busy,
I did manage to get away
for a week in the new year.
Hello, piggies.
[Jeremy] And when I returned,
pig-sitter Kaleb
had some surprising news.
- [Kaleb] How was holiday?
- [Jeremy] Brilliant.
How have the pigs been?
Yeah It's been
an interesting experience
looking after them
while you've been away.
- [Jeremy] What?
- We've got five piglets!
- [Jeremy] What?
- We've got five little piglets!
- Piglets?
- Yeah, piglets, five.
All doing really well.
- [Jeremy] How's that happened?
- I don't know.
[Jeremy] They only got mated
- [Kaleb] Did they? Well, you
- A month ago.
- So she was pregnant when I bought her.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
They were sold as empty.
Well, you've had a deal and a half then
cos you've got five little piglets
that you didn't know about.
[Kaleb] Hello.
- [piglets squeaking]
- [Jeremy] Oh, look!
Oh, they're adorable!
[Kaleb] They're cute, aren't they?
[Jeremy] Well done, mum!
Oh, look at you!
Look at you!
Oh, look.
Look.
Aw.
[Kaleb laughing]
[Jeremy laughing]
- [Kaleb] They're better than sheep.
- Yes.
Yes.
Your mother's really not bothered,
is she?
Look at
Hello you.
[Jeremy] As they had sticky up ears,
it was quickly obvious the father
hadn't been a pedigree Sandy and Black.
But whoever he was,
he'd produced
some very brilliant offspring.
[Kaleb] Do you want me
to put him back down?
[Jeremy] So they live in there
for how long?
[Kaleb] They'll be in there
for another
We'll move them
into the other place, won't we?
We've got to get them
out of your field, and into the woods.
[Kaleb] Yeah.
[Jeremy] I do want to get them
out of this field,
because it's bleak for them up here.
Oh, look at the really small one.
[chuckling] She is properly little.
- [Kaleb] You got him?
- [piglet squeaking]
Look at the micro pig.
[squealing]
He's nice and warm.
- [Kaleb] There's always a runt.
- Oh, but she's just
[Kaleb] Look at the little nose.
[crew] It's like the proud parents.
Smiling.
Proud parents!
Proud parents!
[Jeremy] Sadly, this happy moment
was short-lived,
because the next day,
little runt piggy went missing.
And if you don't want to know
what happened,
put your fingers in your ears now.
I just find it incredible
that a pig won't eat an onion,
- but it will eat its own child.
- [Lisa] I know. I know.
The only thing they don't eat is teeth,
- but they won't have had teeth.
- There's no teeth in there.
- There's just the bit of an ear.
- [Lisa gasping]
That's all there was.
That's how I know it was eaten.
My first thought was it's been taken
by a Red Kite, a Buzzard or something,
but there's no way
it could have got into the pigloo.
[Lisa] It was poorly anyway.
That's very sad.
I just hope it was
dead before she ate it.
Stop.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] For now, though, we'd have
to put the pig cannibalism to one side,
because if Kaleb was right,
and a piglet tsunami was on its way,
we'd have to get their new home
built in the woods sharpish.
We're gonna have this fence here.
It's gonna have
a gate there, gate there, gate there,
that's 80 metres.
[Kaleb] Yeah.
[Jeremy] So, this one gate
accesses that and that.
That one does that and that.
Put a new fence along there and up,
which is easily done, yes?
[Jeremy] Yeah,
so we'll measure 80 metres, hang on.
[Kaleb] That's perfect, isn't it?
And Gerald can keep an eye on them.
- Gerald, your lovely woodland view.
- Nice south-westerly blowing.
[both chuckling]
Because Gerald's house
is not very far away through there.
He's going to have some pig honks.
Oh bless him.
Hey actually, talking of Gerald.
- He had his op, didn't he?
- Yeah, he had his op three days ago.
- Yeah, I rang
- You talked to him?
Yes. I spoke to him two days ago.
- I'm going to take him some pork.
- Oh good.
He wants some belly pork,
so he must be feeling a little better.
- And apparently
- He seems happier now actually as well.
Yeah, the word is he's on the mend.
[Kaleb] That's what we like to hear.
There's a few walls fell down,
so we need him to be back at it.
I know, we do want him back.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] With the plans agreed,
we had to start by trimming
the overhead branches
so they wouldn't get in our way.
And because this is a TV show,
that meant plenty of fuss
from Health and Safety.
[sighing]
All right, Jesus, got him manhandling me.
[Jeremy] And then to make sure
you can't escape
I can't do this. Take it off.
- [Jeremy] What?
- I can't have it on.
You can't not have it on
because we're being filmed.
Are we ready? Looking good.
[chainsaw]
- [Jeremy] Can you manage, Lisa?
- Yeah.
[Kaleb on walkie-talkie]
I think we're done.
We're done.
[Lisa] There you go, princess.
[Kaleb] Hey.
- [thud]
- [Kaleb screaming]
Shit! You all right?
- [Kaleb grunting]
- [Lisa] It's okay, I'll get you out.
- [Jeremy] You all right?
- [Lisa] No, he forgot he was attached.
- [Jeremy] You forgot you were tethered.
- [Lisa] Just come back a little bit, K.
- [Jeremy] Did you hit your head?
- [Lisa] Just come back a little bit.
I need you down a little bit further.
- [Jeremy] No, it's alright, I'll do it.
- [Lisa] Just step up a little bit.
[Jeremy] So let's be brutally honest.
The Health and Safety
equipment has injured him.
[man] You've got a bruise
coming up already.
[Lisa] I did exactly the
same thing, remember?
- [Jeremy] Yeah, you did it.
- [Lisa] Yeah.
[Jeremy] We've got to get rid of all
Health and Safety equipment off the farm.
It's really injuring people.
[Jeremy] Luckily, Kaleb's skull
was thicker than the cage it had hit,
so work continued.
[rock music]
[Kaleb] Keep going,
keep going, keep going.
[Kaleb] Come up to me a little bit.
[back-up beeper]
[Jeremy] However,
while building the new pig houses,
I was reminded
that the woods were in urgent need
of some maintenance.
And the main job,
as I'd discovered back in the autumn,
was repairing a rapidly collapsing dam.
This is supposed
to all be filled with gravel.
And the gravel has all been washed away.
There should be
five railway sleepers there,
and then the water goes into the pipe
and comes out there.
If I don't mend this,
when the rains start again,
this will all be washed away,
and the pond will go.
There'll be nowhere for the trout
or the kingfishers that live here,
the ducks that live here.
I've got to mend it.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] However,
I was now wise enough to know
that before doing anything like this
in a wooded environment
full of mice and voles,
I'd need to consult
with mister "No No No" himself.
Morning, Tom.
- [Tom] Morning, Jeremy.
- How are you?
- [Tom] I'm all right. Good to see you.
- You as well.
What er Dogs, come here.
Heel.
I'm training them. Hang on, sorry.
[Tom] Well, I understand
that you have some plans
- to do some works around
- [Jeremy] Heel.
| [Tom] this rather
fetching little pond down here.
[Jeremy] Sansa, Arya, heel.
[Tom] Are you planning
to come down here
[Jeremy] My plan is
Okay, here's what I want to do.
I just want to be able to get along here
cos I've got to be able to mend that dam.
- [Tom] Okay. All right.
- Which, as you can see, is broken.
[Jeremy] Predictably, Tom's red flags
were already out in force.
[Tom] So you've got
some previous kind of evidence here
of having some crayfish.
I think there's loads in here.
- [Tom] Hmm.
- American ones.
Yeah, yeah. North American signal, yeah.
[Jeremy] And they're the bad ones.
- [Tom] They are the bad ones, yeah.
- That have killed all our English ones?
- They're the grey squirrels of crayfish.
- Yeah effectively. Yeah.
- Is that right?
- But they're nastier.
[Jeremy] How big are they?
I've never seen one.
16 to 18 centimetres,
like the bigger males.
- What's that in English?
- Er
- [Jeremy] Six inches?
- Basically about this big.
- [Jeremy] What, they're like lobsters?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're going to see
the aggressive males first.
- How aggressive are they?
- They eat their own young.
[Jeremy] Yeah, lot of that going on
at the moment
Because I've been told
there are crayfish in here,
and I was going to catch them
and then sell them in the shop.
Yeah, you can't do that, yeah.
Prison sentences?
Yeah, there's prison sentences to that,
and a fine.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- I think it's about £2,500.
[Jeremy] £2,000? So if I were
to catch one of these crayfish
- then I could be fined £2,500.
- Yeah.
Potentially a prison term as well.
[Jeremy] And possible prison.
- Possible, possible prison, of course.
- Depending on the scale of the situation.
[Tom] Another problem you have
is I can see some evidence
that some of the banks have eroded.
- That's the biggest kind of issue.
- Ooh
- [Jeremy] Are they eating the banks?
- Yeah.
With these crayfish
burrowing into these banks,
cos they can burrow about 2 metres
at water level back in, right?
And then it can be quite a complex
set of burrows that they've got.
If you're going to bring machinery down,
you need to be really careful
how close you get to some of these banks,
- because they might just give way.
- In case I squash an invasive crayfish?
No cos you might end up
with your machinery in the lake,
- which we don't want, so
- Oh.
I'd be highly cautious
about doing anything around these banks.
[Jeremy] How would you recommend
I did this work?
My preference would be that
a lot of this would be more manual
than heavy machinery.
- That's the safest way of doing it.
- All right.
[country music]
[Jeremy] With Tom's advice about
not using heavy machinery taken onboard,
I set to work.
[loud rumbling]
[Jeremy] Ahooya.
Let me talk you through it.
Italian made, low centre of gravity.
Top speed: 4 km/h.
That's twice as fast as a snail.
[epic music]
[Jeremy] Speed, though,
was not its party trick.
No, what Wally the radio-controlled
robo-mulcher does best
is clear away
absolutely everything in its path.
[Jeremy] Holy Moly!
What manner of thing is this?
Bloody hellfire!
[laughing]
This is a destroyer of worlds.
They could have had HS2
built in about 20 minutes
if they'd had one of these.
Forward!
[Jeremy laughing]
I can't even see
what it's doing in there.
It's a whole new game, this is.
When you can't see where it's gone,
you just only use sound
to hear what it's doing.
[wood creaking]
Oh shitting hell!
Fuck!
So I've broken
the one bit of dam that remained.
Shit!
However,
despite the terrible damage
I've caused over there,
I have Ow!
[panting and chuckling]
Blinded myself.
But apart from the light blinding
and the damaged dam,
I have finally, after two or three years,
opened up this dam again,
so we can effect a repair.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Kaleb then joined me
to get the ball rolling.
And, to begin with,
everything went swimmingly.
[Jeremy] Yes!
[Jeremy] We dug through the subsoil
to get to the farm's seemingly limitless
supply of waterproof clay.
[Jeremy] Juicy clay.
[Jeremy] Which we'd use
to create the dam.
[Kaleb] Go on, keep going.
[Jeremy] We then took the old pipe out.
[Kaleb] Stop!
[Jeremy] Gravity, easy transportation.
[Jeremy] And manoeuvred
the new pipe into place.
[Kaleb] Keep going that way.
- [Jeremy] Yeah! Look at that!
- That's bang on.
[Jeremy] But from that moment on,
the arguing started,
because when it came to dam building,
we both knew best.
You see how it's sat in the channel.
We've just got to fill clay in there.
No, you're going to have to lift this up,
but it isn't just a little bit.
It's a precise measurement.
You've got to lift this up with the clay.
We can do that by hand, though.
- [Jeremy] No.
- And then bed it with clay.
Yes, but you say a little bit,
but not like a little bit.
I'm talking about that much higher.
- I won't be that much.
- It will.
- [Kaleb] I reckon that much.
- No, that's wrong.
[Kaleb] You're wrong.
When we get the right height, Kaleb
- Honestly, take that out.
- Shush. Please, listen. Please.
The bottom of this has to be an inch
below the level of the overflow pipe.
Yes!
I know how to do it,
but you just keep shutting me down.
[Jeremy] To settle the dispute,
we installed a laser measuring device.
And after that,
we started building a temporary dam
to create a dry working area
for the proper dam,
which is when the squabbling got worse.
[Jeremy] Leave those. We're going
to need them to build on top of.
[Kaleb] Yeah,
but we're going to do it there, look.
[Jeremy] No. Please, stop interfering.
[Kaleb] So sensitive all the time.
[Jeremy] Thank you.
[Kaleb] How many more do you need?
[back-up beeper]
[Jeremy] Don't touch the laser
Don't touch the laser thing!
God strewth.
Oh no! He's done it. Don't hit the laser!
Oh for fuck's sake!
[back-up beeper]
[Jeremy] I've never seen
incompetence like it.
[tree creaking]
Why didn't I do Oh!
[Kaleb] Oh, God.
[sighing]
[Jeremy] Right.
Can you put it on crab steer?
[Kaleb] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
At the minute,
you've got the wheels doing that.
You want to get them
all turning the same way.
[Kaleb] Yeah.
That's not crab steer.
[Jeremy on walkie-talkie]
You're not in crab steer.
No, Kaleb, stop it!
You've got to get it in crab steer.
[Jeremy on walkie-talkie] Don't move it
until you get it in crab steer.
It's in crab steer,
but I cannot turn the steering wheel.
Watch.
[Jeremy on walkie-talkie]
Please put it in crab steer.
It's in crab steer! I just cannot move!
No, you have to turn the steering wheel
to lock it into crab steer!
[engine roaring]
[Jeremy] Jesus Christ!
[Kaleb] You're going to have to get
a chainsaw and lop that branch off.
[chainsaw]
Don't worry, Kaleb,
I'm on my way to rescue you
from your own incompetence.
Where would you go? Here?
The knuckle.
- [Jeremy] No.
- At the knuckle.
[Jeremy] Here?
[chainsaw]
- You idiot!
- [Jeremy] What?
You're meant to cut from the bottom.
[chainsaw]
[Jeremy] Oh! Fuck you!
You knew that was going to happen!
[chuckling]
- That wasn't funny.
- [Kaleb] I told you
I told you
to go around that side and cut.
I didn't do fuck all!
You spent all morning
throwing fucking rocks at me.
And now
[Charlie] Hello?
The tree landed on my bloody head.
[Charlie] Hi, what's going on?
[Jeremy] Oh, he's being a fucking foetus
is what's going on.
You're just incompetent with a chainsaw.
You cut from the bottom
cos it was pinching.
[Jeremy] It pinched onto my head.
No, it pinched the chainsaw blade.
It's fucking bullshit!
[Charlie] What are we doing anyway?
Ah well, now I can explain that,
and you'll be pleased.
Behold!
You're repairing the dam?
[Jeremy] Yes!
The pipe
that was in there was all broken.
So we've got that out,
we've got some clay
to create a temporary dam
while we build the proper dam.
- [Charlie] Okay.
- But then the foetus,
whose only been driving
for a few minutes,
has managed to drop
the telehandler off the track.
[Charlie] Yeah, that's what happened.
[Jeremy] And then he went against
a tree branch, which I had to cut off,
and he thought it would be humorous
if I was cutting near the knuckle,
'cause he could see from the cab
that it would push it round
and knock me over
with a running chainsaw
- [Kaleb] That's untrue.
- Yes, it's true.
- [Kaleb] No, it's not.
- It is.
- [Charlie] You were using a chainsaw?
- [Jeremy] Yes.
- [Charlie] Like that?
- [Jeremy] Well, I had a hat on.
Fucking bullshit!
[Charlie] Safety trousers?
My jeans.
You could have cut your leg off.
Exactly, but I wouldn't have done
if it weren't for Kaleb.
You're gonna have
to seriously reprimand him.
Well, no, I'm reprimanding you
for not wearing any
I was wearing, I had a visor.
Yeah, and then you slip.
- I didn't slip.
- What's the weather?
All right, but anyway,
luckily, that didn't happen.
[Charlie] And why we do it, I mean,
I am
flabbergasted at this.
How long has this taken
to create this mess? [stammers]
- You are mending, fixing, repairing
- [Jeremy] Yes.
- a dam
- Yes.
That is protecting, holding back water,
and if this goes wrong,
which there is a likelihood
that it will
- [Jeremy] It didn't.
- No offence.
Straight down there,
down at Eastend,
the only part of Chadlington
- that actually quite likes you
- Brookend. Yeah.
you're gonna flood.
And you haven't notified anybody.
It's a statutory requirement
to notify the local authority.
You've got to notify
the West Oxfordshire District Council.
- How do you get on with them?
- They're gonna say no.
Well, they are gonna say no,
because they're gonna say:
"What precautions have you taken
to stop a flood risk?"
None!
Whatsoever!
[Jeremy] I've still got a chainsaw.
If you knew
how to use it right, you'd be fine.
[Charlie] It's a good job I've come.
- I'm not speaking to him again.
- [Kaleb] Stupid man!
- Oh, and the other thing.
- [Kaleb] Go on, then.
No, no, no, no.
How are we going to rectify this mess?
- What mess?
- This!
Look, you've chucked all the
I mean how are you going to get that out?
You've just dumped rubbish
in a water course.
- What is that? Any asbestos in there?
- No.
- Well, that's brick rubble.
- That was already in there.
[Charlie] You're blocking the
[sighing]
- [Kaleb] Don't shout at me.
- [Charlie] No, it's both of you.
- No, it's not me!
- [Charlie] Well, you're here.
- [Jeremy] You got the digger in.
- [Kaleb] I get employed by him to do it.
[Charlie] You're aiding and abetting him.
- [Kaleb] I didn't do anything.
- He's farm manager.
[Kaleb] Here it goes,
the blame goes to me.
[Jeremy] Hold on, who was driving it?
You were.
[Kaleb] But Charlie, I said:
"I don't think this is a good idea
- to bring this down here."
- [Charlie] It wasn't a good idea.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] We decided, after all this,
to stop dam work
until the ground was less muddy,
and went back to installing
the new fully insulated pigloos.
And when that was done,
it was time to move in the new residents.
Right, let's get them back.
[squealing]
[Lisa] Is that?
[squealing loudly]
[Jeremy] That's quite loud!
[Kaleb] Come on pigs. Come on piggies.
Yeah.
[soft music continues]
- [Lisa] Go, go, go.
- [Jeremy] Come on!
There you go.
Piggies!
Look at this, a whole pig city.
Woodland pigs.
Hey boys, look they're snuffling around.
- [Jeremy] Have they started truffling?
- [Lisa] Yes, look. Look.
[Jeremy] Oh, look at their little faces!
They look happier here
than they did in their
- I feel here happier looking at them.
- I do.
[pigs grunting]
[Jeremy] With the pigs settling
into their new woodland home,
Kaleb could have their old field back,
so he could use it to make money
for his side of the operation.
I'm gonna clear this up,
and then, I'm gonna plant grass.
- [Jeremy] What?
- I'm gonna plant grass, make hay.
- [Jeremy] Oh, hay.
- Sell the hay. Yeah.
[Jeremy] Is hay really a good idea?
[Kaleb] I think so.
Three cuts, get £200 a ton.
So I'm going to small bale it,
then I'm gonna sell them for £7 a bale.
[Jeremy] To all the people
moving out of London
- who then get horses.
- Exactly.
So who's moved up?
Joe Wicks has moved up here apparently.
I don't know who that is.
You could introduce me to them all.
Look at that for a business plan.
Made me happier already.
Yeah, but what the ladies
and gentlemen are doing now
is shitting themselves laughing
- at the notion that I know Joe Wicks.
- I don't know who that is.
He's that fitness man in Covid,
and he did those exercises online,
and everybody started watching him.
Anyway, he's moved up here.
We've got Cowell, we've got Beckham,
Natalie Imbruglia
We've got Amanda Holden.
- [Kaleb] We can sell hay to their horses.
- Yeah.
[upbeat country music]
[Jeremy] Leaving Kaleb to prep his field,
I turned my attention back
to the enforcement notice.
Charlie had now submitted our appeal,
and I had my fingers crossed
that the farm shop at least
could stay open,
as it was the only way
that my "farming the unfarmed" projects
could ever make money.
[Jeremy] So I'm actually £8,230 up.
[Jeremy] To make sure we had a case,
the shop had to be squeaky clean.
Which meant everything for sale in there
had to have come from inside
a council-imposed 16-mile radius.
We all understood that.
Except Lisa.
Lisa has a rather Irish attitude
- to rules and regulations.
- Yeah.
[Charlie] I went in there the other day
whilst it was closed, after hours.
Under the counter
everything,
red-handed.
If you want any of the products you and I
have put a moratorium on selling
No because we keep saying to her:
"You can't sell this."
And she literally can't see why.
So here is a planning enforcement notice.
"If you don't comply,
you get prosecuted."
It's not like a civil thing.
And I keep saying to Lisa:
"If you carry on selling stuff that is
in breach of this enforcement notice,
"we"
Well, it'll be me in The Daily Mail.
But "we will be fined."
And I So, if you could have a st
I mean, I talked to her.
[Irish accent] "Oh, it'll be all right."
Which is lovely.
I mean I'd love to live in Ireland
'cause I think a country functions better
- if you have that attitude.
- So, you'd like me to say
You know sometimes
you're quite firm with me.
Could you be that firm with Lisa and say:
"Lisa, you have got to take out
all this illegal stuff"?
Hmm.
[tense country music]
[Lisa] Hi, Charlie.
We're under the spotlight. Properly.
[Lisa] Yeah.
Quite a lot of it
is directed at the farm shop as well.
And I know we've had discussions
over the past few months
about what you can and can't sell,
and we've done the potato thing,
which has gone brilliantly.
Yes, it has. Everyone loves it.
So, but you've got prices now on the
[Lisa] I have, yeah.
[Charlie] You can't do that.
Really you can't sell them.
Yes.
- You cannot sell them.
- [Lisa] Yeah.
[Charlie] We can't give them
any more ammunition.
So anything,
- anything that is 16 miles away must go.
- Yeah.
[Lisa] I mean as much
as I want to respect
government,
councils and everything else,
at what stage
do you just really struggle
with trying to respect
what they're doing?
Because there could be
I'm not trading arms here.
It's just a farm shop.
I'll come back to that.
Where's the Monopoly from?
[Lisa] Cotswolds Monopoly.
Look, Diddly Squat.
[Charlie] Yeah I know,
but it's made in
- China
- [Lisa] It's like the book Jeremy wrote.
We can't sell the book.
We can't sell the book here.
I mean, we have to follow the rules.
If we don't follow the rules,
you could actually end up
with a criminal conviction,
which is ridiculous.
I understand that.
Because all we're doing
is selling some amazing farm produce,
you know, oils, chutneys,
marm marmala
We don't even grow oranges.
That's old stock from last year.
[Charlie] Yeah, but it doesn't matter
whether it's old stock.
- They would prefer that I waste it.
- Where is it made?
South Somerset.
- It's not within our 16 miles.
- No.
The longer I look,
the worse it becomes, doesn't it?
Handkerchiefs.
They look quite Italian to me.
Were they embroidered locally?
No
- Lisa, we've really
- Charlie, I understand. I understand.
It's just I find it
really difficult that everything we do,
it doesn't make any difference.
It's still no.
But we are fighting, you know,
people who are not being rational
about the objective, you know,
position of this farm.
All we're wanting to do
is sell some local produce,
which is what we're allowed to do,
from a shop that we have permission in.
When we challenge them,
which we are doing on the planning,
we can then say: "This is ridiculous.
Let's get a carpark in."
I know it's frustrating.
Lots of rules in life are frustrating,
but these we must follow just for now.
So, in no particular order:
marmalade, book,
presumably socks
[Lisa] No, yes
[Charlie] Monopoly, handkerchiefs.
[country music]
[Jeremy] Did you manage
to get across to her
- the importance of not selling
- I did see produce
coming out of the shop before I left.
Books particularly, Monopoly.
So there's the, I, ye
Yes, I think actually she
I think we've got the message through.
Right, she's not here.
I'll bet you any money
she's loading her car up with
all the stuff she took out this morning
and is putting it back.
Hmm.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Praying that Charlie
had got through to Lisa,
I got back to my winter jobs,
which alternated between tedious
[panting]
[upbeat music continues]
Oh Christ!
Delicious snack for you "sheeps".
[bleating]
Oh for fuck sake!
[Jeremy] And unbelievably rewarding.
Oh yes!
[engine roaring]
Mincing.
Minced.
[Jeremy] In addition,
there was another winter task
that I'd decided was worth doing.
My job today is to try and save
the life of this willow tree,
which amazingly,
even though it's fallen over,
isn't dead.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Obviously, to do this,
I needed some help.
So I called Rupert,
the local tree expert.
[Jeremy] What's the plan then,
to make it come back up again?
[Rupert] We're going to pollard it
right low.
We're going to take off
all the weight at the top of the willow.
[Jeremy] And that's pollarding.
[Rupert] It's pollarding. It's going to
maintain the tree, make it last longer,
- 18 years or so.
- But there's no roots.
How's it going to put roots down?
[Rupert] They'll come back.
- [Jeremy] Will they?
- Yeah, yeah.
[soft music continues]
[Jeremy] After Rupert
had used his hydraulic secateurs
to prune the tree of excess weight
[back-up beeper]
[chuckling]
Bloody glad I'm not in there!
[Jeremy] We joined forces,
like the Cotswold Thunderbirds,
with me in a rented Bobcat
pulling a cable attached to the tree,
and Rupert using his JCB
to provide extra leverage.
If we can get this tree upright,
it'll be a miracle.
If we get it upright, and it survives
I was gonna say I'll go to church.
I won't do that.
[Rupert on walkie-talkie]
Okay Jeremy, if you can drive forward.
[Jeremy] Full power.
[loader clanging]
[clanging continues]
[engine rumbling]
[Jeremy] I'm guessing from the wheelspin
we're not making the tree
become vertical.
Just waiting for the cable to snap
and scythe through the cab,
severing my abdomen.
[Jeremy] With the willow
still stubbornly horizontal,
I decided to deploy my chainsaw skills
on its remaining branches.
[chainsaw]
Then Rupert tried
to pull the tree up on his lonesome.
[tense music]
Here he comes! Here he comes!
[tree creaking]
Here he is!
[tense music continues]
Is it going to fall straight over again?
Is it going to go upright, or?
Tree is up!
That's just brilliant.
- Really well thanks for that.
- [Rupert] It's good.
And honestly you'd never know
we'd had a digger in here,
or any machinery at all.
Please, God,
don't let Charlie Ireland down here
for at least 6 months.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] February was now upon us.
And with the pigs enjoying
their new woodland home,
and my winter jobs mainly done,
I went off to do some filming
for The Grand Tour.
And while I was gone,
one of the pointy-eared mongrel piglets
fell ill.
So Lisa called in Dilwyn the vet.
So, he's got blue ears.
- He's been shivering a bit.
- [Lisa] Oh
He's a bit unsteady on his legs.
- You can see his belly's quite empty.
- [Lisa] Why
I don't think he's been
suckling his mother.
[Lisa] What's the blue ears?
The blue ears is he's probably got
a bit of septicaemia,
which is basically,
he's in shock a little bit,
because he's probably
got a bug floating around in his blood.
I'll take him back.
I'll put the heater on in the car.
- [Lisa] Yeah.
- And I'll take him back,
and I'll keep you posted.
[Lisa] Poor little one.
[Jeremy] Lisa then insisted
that Dilwyn give the piglet
the full 5-star platinum plus treatment.
[beeping]
So that's the pump, and that warms up
the fluids going into him.
So basically,
we're trying to warm up his blood.
We're warming up his body
and this is trying
to correct his dehydration really.
Yeah, we'll see how we get on.
[beeping]
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] I returned a week later
and got straight back into more pig jobs.
[Jeremy] Right.
[Kaleb] Home time.
[Jeremy] The first of which
was to return Ajax,
the boar I'd rented
to impregnate the lady pigs.
[Lisa] Aw, he must be so looking forward
to going back to some friends.
Do you know how much it cost,
how much we had to pay?
For each successful shag he had
is 50 quid.
We have to pay his pimp at Avis,
- from whom we rented him, 50 quid.
- Yeah.
And so he's done five?
- Four.
- [Jeremy] Four.
[Lisa] That's 80 quid.
No, it's 200.
While we're on the subject of money,
Lisa,
- you know when I was away
- [Lisa] Hmm-hmm.
- and that piglet was ill.
- [Lisa] Yes.
- And you sent it to the vet.
- I did.
That's the vet bill.
God almighty! And it died.
Feeder tube. Aw colostomy!
They put a feeding tube down his
No, no, no. Never mind what they did.
What's that say? £673.
- [Lisa stuttering] I just let them die?
- Gone.
I don't know what you do actually.
Put that one down when it was like that.
- Say goodbye.
- [Lisa] I didn't know, everyone was away.
- £673.40.
- [Lisa] They tried to keep it alive.
[Jeremy] Yes, they did!
- A post-mortem? That's a bit flash.
- Yes!
- Who asked for a post-mortem?
- Have you got that picture of it?
So here's one picture look.
That's at the vet nurse's house,
'cause they had to take it home
for the night.
[Jeremy] Oh!
But she was getting paid all night
to look after that pig.
[Jeremy] Look at the little thing
on his ear like a
- [Jeremy] We're farmers!
- [Lisa] I know.
- I mean I like the piglets, but £673!
- I'll eat it myself in future.
- [Kaleb laughing]
- That's bad. That's a lot.
Well, now they've done a post-mortem,
why did it die?
[Kaleb] Gonna bring that gate around.
[Jeremy] It had a heart defect.
Well, who was to know?
[Jeremy] Well, we do now,
- because we've spent £673.
- [Kaleb] Go on then.
[Lisa] Cock!
You go that side.
[Jeremy] The extravagance
was all the more annoying,
because it was now time to see
how Kaleb and I were doing
in our competition.
So we've got to add
another 1,800 quid to that.
[Jeremy] Kaleb was still
massively in the red,
but now the pigs were here,
my outgoings were also on the rise.
[Jeremy] So you're at £98,500
you've spent so far
and made nothing.
Don't you worry about me.
Let's worry about you.
- That pig.
- [Jeremy] Oh, we've got the pig bill.
- [Kaleb] £673.40.
- Yeah.
Lisa has screwed me on this one,
I'll grant you.
- Another one coming.
- Another one what?
I've got loads more.
I've got loads of bills here for you.
- [Jeremy] What?
- That machine that you're obsessed with.
It is my emotional support machine,
like an emotional support dog.
I'm going to take it on planes
with me on holiday.
- [Kaleb laughs]
- It can have its own seat.
Well, how much was it?
[Kaleb] £1,050.
But I think that can be cancelled out
by how happy it makes me.
No, it definitely cannot.
Well, does it
Does it keep me out of your hair?
Yeah, it did,
I like the machine, don't get me wrong.
- 'Cause you're nowhere near me.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
[Kaleb] Did you have someone
come down with a digger,
and remove a tree?
No, no, no, we put a tree back up.
[Kaleb] Okey dokey.
Well, that is a total of £3,090.
[snapping fingers]
Just there if I was you.
- Put it there.
- £3,090?
- What else have you got?
- [Kaleb] There's the pig food.
[Kaleb chuckling]
£2,952.
Have they been going to the Savoy?
- And then you had the hire of the boar.
- Oh, stop saying things. What?
- The hire of the boar. £200.
- [Jeremy] Boar hire.
[Jeremy] This mountain of bills
meant that my profits of £413
had been turned into a loss
of nearly £8,000.
[Jeremy] Shit!
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Go on, pigs.
[Jeremy] However, in a bittersweet way,
I was about to start seeing
a return on my investment.
[Jeremy] Come on.
[Jeremy] As it was time to take
the first batch of pigs
to the slaughterhouse.
[Jeremy] You're in
for an exciting car ride. Come on.
[Jeremy] However, since the abattoir
was more than 40 miles away
and I didn't have a licence
to transport them that far,
the government's pig police said
I must be accompanied by Michaela,
a local breeder.
[Jeremy] Oh no, I've got guilt.
[Michaela] You should feel sad
when they go to the abattoir.
It means you've cared
about your animals.
[Jeremy] I do care about them.
[Michaela] You've got to eat them
to save them.
That enables the survival of the breed.
You can't keep them all alive.
[Jeremy] Well, that's what
I've always said about pandas.
If you want to save the giant panda,
start eating it.
[Michaela] Do you know
for every middle white pig in the world,
there are 3 giant pandas.
Middle white pork, you can't beat it.
It's better than sex.
[both laughing]
[Jeremy] Right.
With anyone, even Ewan McGregor, yeah.
I'm not sure Ewan's going
to be very pleased to hear that.
[both chuckling]
[rock music]
[meatpacker] Right, okey dokey.
Seven, all seven there?
- Yeah.
- [meatpacker] Righty-oh.
[Jeremy] Come on, out you go.
I've really enjoyed keeping pigs.
They've not escaped once.
- [meatpacker] Do you like pigs?
- [Jeremy] I love them.
[meatpacker] Come on then, pigs.
There we go.
[meatpacker] They're nice pigs actually.
These stronger ones you'll be having
for bacon and sausages I'd have thought.
I'm assuming you want everything
The butcher will want everything back,
bar the squeal.
- Oh, don't.
- [meatpacker] Sorry.
[Jeremy] Every time
I go to an abattoir
your cruel abattoir humour.
[pigs grunting]
[grunting]
Bye, pigs.
[meatpacker] Right, thank you very much.
[Jeremy] As usual,
I was sad as I drove away.
But this time, at least,
I'd behaved more like a farmer
and not had any unmanly moments.
[country music]
However, that was all about to change,
because an avalanche of heartache
was heading my way.
[dramatic music]
- Oh my God, they're so far up.
- [pigs grunting]
One of them is as weak as hell.
[Kaleb] This is why you're losing
so many piglets.
[tense music]
[Lisa sobbing]
[moody music]