On the Buses (1969) s03e03 Episode Script

Here, do you think I'll make a good clip out of this?
Yeah.
Now, you've got to fill in your way, Bill, and pack up your things.
How did it go?
Oh, blimey, don't you start.
How did it go?
Oh, blimey, don't you start.
How did it go?
Oh, blimey, don't you start.
How did it go?
How did it go?
Oh, blimey, don't you start.
How did it go?
Oh, blimey, don't you start.
How did it go?
Don't call me Uncle Cyril in a dead way.
How did you get on your first day out?
All right?
Oh, very nice, thanks.
I'm going out on my first bus this afternoon, so the conductor can show me what
to do.
First bus, eh?
Yeah.
What route is it?
Er
Oh.
Number 11 to the cemetery gates, thanks, with Stan Buckler and Jack Harper.
Buckler and Harper?
Them two lecherous layabouts.
You're not going out with him.
I'll go and have a word with the general manager about this.
Oh, no, Uncle.
Look, it was nice of you to fix me the job, but I don't want the whole depot to
know I'm the inspector's niece.
They'd have it in for me.
Yes, but them two are deprived.
I mean, they're the worst ones in the whole depot.
Here, look at her.
They're all over there.
Look at them, look.
Look at her.
Look at her scruffy-looking pair of
Oh.
Heads up, Gestapo.
What?
Here.
He has got a gorgeous-looking bird with him.
Yeah?
She's lovely.
No, she's probably quite ugly.
It's staying next to him makes her look good.
Go on, mate.
She's a cracker.
You're right.
She's a right dolly bird, isn't she?
Yeah, come on, let's get up the canteen.
Save her a seat, eh?
Yeah.
Ooh!
Here, here, wait a minute.
I want to have a word with you two.
When you go out after lunch, I'm very sorry to have to tell you that this poor
unfortunate girl here has got to go with you.
Take no notice of him, darling.
I'm very trustworthy.
Yeah, he don't want to worry about Stan.
He's been my diver for ten years, never tried to kiss me once.
I'll show you the ropes, doll.
Yeah.
How did you get on with that clippy this morning, all right?
Oh, dead loss.
Well, come in the office and make out a report about it, will you?
Right now, eh?
Go on, Jack, you heard what he said.
Go on.
Yeah, well, show me a minute, doll.
Oh, dear.
I'll have to keep in with your mate if he makes out the report.
No, you're wrong there, darling.
No, you always have to keep in with the driver cos the driver works with a
clippy, see?
Oh, dear.
Well, I'll do my best.
Yeah.
But you'll have to tell me when you want me to start you off and stop you.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll tell you.
Yeah.
Oh, um, I've just got to fill up this form.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right, now.
Here, er, do you have a place you work that, you know, er
Do you have any fellas?
I mean, anybody regular?
No, I didn't meet any nice blokes where I worked.
That's why I've changed.
Yeah?
Why's that, then?
Well, I worked in a factory.
Yeah?
Scruffy lot.
Did they?
All the blokes had dirty fingernails.
Did they?
Did they?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I can't stand blokes with dirty fingernails.
No, neither can I.
No, no.
You got a fag?
Er, fag.
Er, yeah, er
Ta.
Yeah, it's all right.
Got a light?
A light?
Er, yeah, yeah.
Thanks.
Oh, er, where do I put my number down?
Er
Erm
Down there.
I must be dumb.
Yeah.
Point it out to me.
Well, er, you see, you count down the four lines.
From the top.
That's it.
There.
There.
Oh, Ta.
Yeah.
Mm-mm.
So you didn't have a fella, then?
No, I couldn't stand him.
Lazy lot.
Yeah.
Always used to come to work without shaving.
I can't stand it.
No, no, don't fly me up.
No.
No, you should have seen him.
They had filthy clothes.
Did they?
All crumpled and messy.
Yeah.
And I don't think any of them ever cleaned their shoes.
Do you know, I can't fancy a fella if he's not smart.
No, I
Hello, darling.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Did you miss me?
No.
Well, see you boys later.
I'm going to grab some lunch at the canteen.
Oh, I think she's been put on my bus.
What a lucky girl.
You don't know how to kid yourself, mate.
I'll tell you something, boy.
I'm getting in there.
Oh, Ta.
Oh, I'm getting in there.
Oh, Ta, mate.
Didn't you see the lingering look in her eye when she passed me?
Oh.
You can see what she wants.
Yeah.
A sausage and chips.
All right, all right.
We'll see who she goes for after lunch.
I'll see you then.
All right, I'll leave it.
Coming for a bite?
What?
Lunch?
No.
No, I don't think I will, mate.
No, no.
I think I'll stretch me legs.
Have a bit of a walk.
Yeah, well, don't be late, will you?
We're drawing off now.
I'm only late for a stroll, mate.
Yeah.
I'll see you later.
Yeah.
Hello, Stan.
What are you doing now?
I thought you only had half an hour for lunch in the canteen.
I'll get you something, love.
I ain't got time, Mum.
I just nipped home for a quick clean up, see.
What do you mean, clean up?
Yeah, a quick wash and a shave, you know.
Is he gone potty or something, shaving at lunchtime?
Oh, I think it's a good sign.
He's probably after promotion.
He's after something.
Now, what does that mean?
Look, when a bloke comes home to shave specially, he's after some bird.
I know the signs.
Oh, my Stan's not like that.
Oh, don't talk wet.
Look, last time he did it, it was midnight, wasn't it?
He dashed in, shaved, dashed out again.
We didn't see him till breakfast time.
What was left of him.
Look, it is a well-known fact a bloke always shaves before
Well, you know.
You don't.
Married to you, I could grow a beard.
That's not very nice.
Oh, I mean, I can't shave up in a bathroom.
There's things everywhere.
What's all that in the bath?
Well, I'm soaking some sheets.
Well, what's in all this sink, then?
Those are my smalls.
I thought they were the sheets.
Well, I've got big smalls.
You've got big everything.
Now, Arthur, that is not nice, the way you talk to my Olive.
I wonder if you ever married her.
Because you told me
Well, you know what you told me.
Well, we can all make mistakes.
Oh, right, you are.
Olive, what's all this stuff in the sink here?
That's Arthur's pudding, I'm cooling it.
Well, look, clear it up.
I want you to have a shave.
Look, where's my morning paper?
Oh, in the bathroom.
Thank you, Olive.
Well, Olive, I had a nice soap before I did the sheets.
I hope you changed the water first.
Hey, well, look, Stan, if you want me to clean up here, you'll have to move
out.
Oh, all right, Mum.
Oh, look, look at the state of my trousers, Mum.
Well, it doesn't matter, love.
They're all right for working in.
No, they're covered in
I can't get this stuff
You've got to scrape it off to get it off.
Well
And look at me fingernails.
Oh, never mind.
I'll get your nail file.
No, don't bother.
This will get the worst out.
That's Arthur's fork.
Oh, is it?
Oh, never mind.
I'll get him another one.
Hey, Mum, well, hurry up.
Get out of it, will you?
Mum.
What?
Rub me on over that jacket for me, will you?
Oh, right, Olive.
Yes, I'll give it a little freshen up.
Right, love.
I haven't done this for a long time, have I?
Oh, that looks nice.
Yes, I think you'll enjoy it, love.
It's very nice.
Something that you'll enjoy you always do.
Oh!
Don't eat that fork with that fork.
Why not?
Well, Stan's just done his nails with it.
Oh, you didn't use that knife, did you?
Why?
What's he done with that?
Oh, he scraped the muck off his trousers with it.
He uses my fork to clean his nails, the knife to clean his trousers.
I dread to think what he'd done with a spoon.
Never mind, love.
Here's some others.
Now, where's my serviette?
I'll get it.
Mum!
What?
How's me jacket coming?
Oh, lovely, love.
Lovely.
Good?
Yes.
Ha!
That is typical of you, isn't it?
What?
Nicely pressed jacket, horrible baggy trousers.
Well, it's
It's right there, Mum.
Do us a favour, will you?
Here, press me trousers for me.
Well, don't stand there in front of your sister!
Oh, don't be daft.
We used to bath together when we were kids, didn't we?
You didn't need glasses in those days.
Well, you didn't have to, did you?
How's your trousers coming?
Lovely, dear.
Lovely.
Can't you wait till I've finished, my lads?
That revolting smell there.
Well, they haven't been cleaned for a long time.
Fragrant odour of Ott Busman's trousers.
Makes cabbage water smell like eau de cologne.
When did you last have them cleaned?
I haven't had them cleaned.
You what?
Well, there's no point, is there?
I get a new pair every two years.
No wonder they make you sit in that little cab all on your own, mate.
I used to think it was the diesel fumes.
Whoops!
You're not exactly perfect, are you?
No, he has got his habits.
Ah.
Mum?
What?
Have I bought a clean shirt?
No, love, I don't do them till this afternoon.
There's only a white one.
That'll do, I'll have that.
What?
Drive a bus in a stiff white shirt?
You only wear that for funerals and weddings, love.
Here.
What are you up to?
It is obvious.
He's tarting himself up for some bird.
Dabby daft.
That's what you always think, you.
Oh, blimey!
Who do you think you're kidding?
You've got that glazed look in your eyes, mate.
Your face is all flushed.
It's the aftershave that makes you flush.
Here you are, love.
Trousers ready?
Yes, lovely.
Oh, beauty, mum.
Lovely.
Do you know what?
I reckon you're the best little trouser presser in the street.
That's what your dad used to tell me.
Did he really?
Yes.
Oh, blimey!
Hello, Sally.
Oh, hello.
Do you notice anything?
Eh?
Well, anything different?
Oh, yes.
They've given this bus a bit of a wash.
No, I didn't mean that.
I mean, anything different about me?
No.
Why?
Well, blimey, look, I've got
Well, I mean, with your uniform on, all you busmen look the same, really.
Do we?
Well, all except him.
He looks different.
Hello, darling.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
I just went home to smarten up a bit.
Smarten up a bit?
Oh, blimey, mate, really.
Oh, doesn't he look smashing?
Does he?
Cool.
I'd go for that shirt.
Do you know, flowers seem right on you.
Don't you think so?
Yeah, should do.
He looks half dead.
No, he looks lovely.
Yeah, it's not bad, is it?
I just bought it.
It's the latest style.
It's cut to fit the body.
What body?
The material's super.
I go potty about flowers.
That is a very pleasant sensation.
This is better material than his.
Yeah, I can see that without touching.
Can you?
No, what I mean is, I think white and the black tie suits are bloke, don't you?
You look very nice too, Sally.
I like your scent.
Scent?
Oh, that's not me, it's him.
You sexy beast, you.
It's my aftershave.
Smells more like your sister's aftershave.
Right, come on, get your net bust and get it out.
Come on, enjoy that.
Sally, I'd like the word with you, if I may.
I'm not satisfied about them two.
I think they're going to take liberties.
I'm going to get you switched up.
No, no, uncle.
Look, I don't want anyone to know you're looking after me.
Besides, they're quite harmless.
Harmless?
Harmless?
They'd be headless if they started eating, I tell you.
Listen, the first sign of any liberty out of them two, they're going to get the
chop, I tell you.
Oh well, you'd better get on the bus, I suppose.
Yeah, okay, uncle.
God bless you.
Oh, you smartened yourself up back there.
Yeah, yeah.
Done up like a dog's dinner.
You smell like one and all.
What's that you got on you?
That happens to be my aftershave.
Aftershave?
Yeah.
You smell like one of them houses in the back streets of Algiers.
Not that I've ever been in one, mind you.
I thought your mother lived there.
No, my mother lives in 24 Lapernum.
Sweet.
As a matter of fact, Blake, if you want to know the truth, I think that new
Clippy fancies me, you know, see?
And I fancy her, I'm telling you, that boy.
There'll be no stopping my request, I'm telling you that.
By the time I'm finished with her, she'll be too weak to ring the bell.
She happens to be a very respectable girl, that girl, you know.
I know, they're the best.
Jack, come here a minute, I want you a minute, mate.
OK, I'll have to have a word with you, mate.
I have reason to suspect that your driver is thinking of taking a diabolical
liberty with that girl.
Now, I'm relying on you and I can talk to you properly.
You keep them arms lent for me, will you?
Oh, don't you worry about Stan, mate, he won't stand a chance.
I'll tell you what, before the end of the day, I'm going to pick her off
myself.
What do you think I got all this gear on for?
Here, look, half an hour in that bus with me, she'll know every trick in the
book and I don't mean a girl guide's manual.
I'll go and meet her.
I'll go and meet her.
Here I go.
Come on, Bob.
Hurry it up there, please.
Er, Stan, hang on a minute, I just want to get some fags.
Go on, here you are.
I want to get some fags.
Oh, yeah, all right, go on then, yeah.
Barney, where the hell's he got to?
Find a cunning basket.
There, Sally,
I brought you these flowers, I thought you'd like them, seeing as it's your
first trip on our bus.
Oh, thanks, isn't that nice of you?
Here, will Jack be all right?
Yeah, we'll pick him up on the way back to the depot.
Oh, you are good to him.
Yeah.
Er, Sally, I was wondering, what are you doing tonight?
Nothing, why?
Well, I was wondering if you'd like to come round my house for a drink tonight,
you know.
It's about eight o'clock.
Yeah, OK, lovely.
Oi!
Where the hell have you been?
We're due out!
I'm sorry, mate, we've had our ten-minute break.
Mind you, I didn't waste it.
I made a date with Sally tonight.
Yeah, she's coming round my house for a drink tonight, about eight o'clock.
Round your house?
What's she going to do, introduce you to the family?
No, they're going to the pictures.
Oh, I'll introduce her to something, all right, but it won't be the family.
Mind you, don't wish you'll miss the picture.
Oh, wait a minute, love, I've only just got to put my scarf on.
What?
Had you gone yet, you know?
What are you all spruced up for?
Er, Nannick, why?
Oh, that's a new shirt, isn't it?
It's like the one that Jack had on the other day.
Yeah, well, so what?
Well, you said it looked horrible on him.
Yeah, well, I changed my mind, didn't I?
You were right first, Don.
Oh, come on, you're going to be late.
Why have you changed, love?
Oh, are you coming with us?
Er, no, Mum, no, as a matter of fact, I want to see telly, that thing called
Manhunt, you know.
Oh, yes.
You always change your shirt to watch the telly, do you?
No.
Come on, look at the time.
Well, Olive hasn't finished her face yet.
I want to make sure I look nice before I go to the pictures.
You don't stand a chance, love, it's only on for a week.
It's not true, is it, Arthur?
No, no, it's on for a fortnight.
On?
You said you was going a half hour ago.
Just a minute, I can't find me inhaler.
What do you want that for?
Well, you know what sitting in a hot cinema does to me.
Only too well.
Here, and you try and remember where you put that in your bag.
Last time we were in the cinema, you shoved a lipstick up your nose.
It took me ages to get it out.
Look, you've got about five minutes.
You'll miss that Swedish picture.
You seem in a great hurry to see us off, mate.
You don't want them.
Yes, I do.
Don't you remember when we went to see that film, Swedish Fanny Hill?
Well, there was this couple in bed, I looked down to read what they were going
to do, and when I looked up, they'd done it.
Here's me glasses.
All right, all right, love.
Don't hurry home.
Oh, blimey, where's me gloves?
I've got my gloves, I'll put them down somewhere.
Where can I put them?
Can I come in, Mrs B?
Yes, love, come in.
I've lost me gloves.
What do you want?
Look, it's taken me ages to get rid of them.
That bird will be here in a minute.
Oh, I just came to wish you luck.
Got me gloves.
Stan said he was going to the pictures.
You're not going to the Regal, are you?
Yes, what's wrong with that?
Nothing, Mum.
Oh, you don't want to go there, you know.
That's a terrible picture.
What is it now?
Well, he says it's a terrible film.
It's not, it's not.
It says it's a marvellous film.
So why aren't you coming?
Yeah, it's a good idea, Stan.
Why don't you go?
My sister-in-law's sorry.
She says it's a lovely film.
Well, that's good enough for me.
Yeah, well, you won't get in, you know.
They're queuing a mile long.
Queue?
Oh, well, that settles it.
I do not queue, I'm sorry.
Enough of the circle, enough of the circle.
Don't have to keep the circle.
You're talking about that seven and six each.
So what?
I'll treat you.
Oh, there's the doorbell.
Well, I wonder who that could be.
Oh, Stan.
Was you expecting someone?
No.
Well, I wonder who that could be, because we're not expecting anybody.
Yeah, well, perhaps it's a good thing I stopped you going out then, isn't it?
Come on, Mum.
I'd like to introduce you to Sally, our new trainee clippy.
And this is the family.
Hello, Sally girl.
How are you?
How do you do?
Oh, hello, Jack.
How nice.
Yeah, charming.
Well, I thought I'd take Sally down to the pub for a drink.
Oh, right.
Hey, hey, hey.
I thought you wanted to watch Mare Nunt on the telly.
Yeah, well, you know, I thought
Oh, Mare Nunt.
Yes, I like that.
I'll watch it with you.
Oh, lovely, lovely.
We can watch it all together.
There's not enough room for all of us.
Well, I shan't be staying, Stan.
Come and sit by me, dear.
You sit there, and I'll sit
I'll put my chair up next to you, Sally.
Yes, that's it.
Oh, thank you, Stan.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
There we are.
Well, I'll be off then, Stan.
Wasn't it nice of Jack to tell us about the film, Stan?
Yeah.
Here he is, started.
Hello, Chris.
Yeah.
Hi, Stan.
How did you make out last night, then?
Did you enjoy the play?
Shut up.
Right, mate, you turned out the bead, didn't you?
Oh, come off it.
You must at least have walked her home.
Yeah, I walked her home, all right.
And so did the rest of the family.
Well, they hadn't been to the pictures, so they fancied stretching their legs.
Yeah, she walked in front with Mum, and I walked behind with Olive.
Mate, I'll never forgive you for this boy, I'm telling you.
Yeah, cheeky.
I've got news for you two.
Blimey, don't tell him she was back on our bus.
What do you think?
You know that Sally Ferguson you had on the bus yesterday?
Yeah.
Well, she's the inspector's niece.
What?
Which one?
Him.
That's her uncle Cyril.
Blimey, black, isn't it?
Oughtn't to think I nearly
Yeah, well, of course, I
I knew that all along, that he was her uncle, you know.
I just came round last night to warn you, and I
You're a great lover, but you're a lousy liar.
Come on, come on, get that bus out, come on.
Don't stand here dreaming about women all day.
No, you heard what Uncle Cyril said, didn't you?
Uncle Cyril.
All right, Uncle Cyril, yeah, we're getting the bus out.
I hate you two.
I hate you.
I
hate you.