Shoresy (2022) s03e03 Episode Script

(Shoresy): Wow. Check out this
half-ton, sporty short-box.
(Nat): I didn't say action.
(Shoresy): I was practicing.
(Miig): You start
when we say action,
you stop when we say cut.
(Goody): That's simple enough.
(Ziig): Bro, can you stop
looking into the camera
while you're waiting?
(Miig): Ziig, just
let him focus.
(Ziig): It's fucking
creeping me out. (Nat): Ziig.
Don't spook it, Nat.
It'll run straight
out the stable,
clear over yonder.
- We're ready now.
- All right,
let's see some energy.
This is our longest
standing sponsor. Go.
Are you gonna say action?
(Ziig): Action, slut.
(Nat): Oh, my God.
- Wow.
Check out this half-ton,
sporty short-box.
(Nat): Bigger wow.
- What?
(Nat): Bigger wow.
Sound happier.
(Miig): More excited.
(Ziig): Less stupid.
Wow! (Nat): Bigger.
Wow!!
Check out this half-ton,
sporty short-box.
Better? (Nat): Yes.
(Ziig): You dumb fuck.
(Miig): So, keep going.
Me? (Ziig): Oh, my God.
Are you gonna say
action? (Nat): Action.
Wow!
Check out this half-ton,
sporty short-box. With
- He still looks too stiff.
- Why are they talking?
(Nat): Try putting
your hand on the truck.
Wow!
Check out this half-ton,
sporty short-box. With
Why do you have your
hand on it like that?
She just told me to
put my fuckin' hand
(Ziig): Yeah, I know but why
is your hand on it like that?
Like what? (Ziig):
Like you have damage
to your central nervous system.
So, I don't get fingerprints
on it, you idiot!
- Smart.
- What an idiot.
Wow!
Check out this half-ton,
sporty short-box.
(chuckling)
(Ziig): What now?
(Miig): Bro, seriously?
This half-ton, sporty
short-box is
(Miig): What's wrong with
half-ton, sporty short-box?
- Nothin'.
- Is it not a half-ton,
sporty short-box?
It's a half-ton,
sporty short-box.
Well, if you wanna
go with half-ton,
sporty short-box then
- Okay, enough.
Are you gonna say
cut? (Nat): Cut!
Wow! Check out this
half-ton, sporty short-box.
(Miig): Don't smile like
that. (Ziig): Fuckin' nerds.
(women): All of you!
Wow!
Check out this half-ton,
sporty short-box.
(Nat): We can see you
trying not to smile.
Wow!
Check out this half-ton,
sporty short-box.
(Ziig): You guys look
like toddlers who just
filled their diapers.
(players laugh)
Wow. Check out this
sporty, half-ton short-box.
(Miig): Half-ton, sporty.
Wow. Check out this
half-ton, sporty.
(Miig): But still say short-box.
- Short-box.
(Ziig): Fuck me.
(speaking French)
(players laugh)
- This is going nowhere.
- Just let them do it smiling.
Fine. Do it smiling.
(Goody): Are you
gonna say action?
Wow! Check out this
half-ton, sporty short-box.
With a 3-litre V6 engine,
it's got the tenacity
of a power forward
and the reliability of a
stay-at-home defenceman.
We won't get called for
charging too much.
But we'll take two minutes
for slashing prices.
Everyone will be
checking you from behind
with this easy
drop-down tailgate.
This truck will have
them chanting your name.
(together): Dolo! Dolo! Dolo!
So, head on down to
Laurentian Pre-Owned Auto,
'cause like the Sudbury
Blueberry Bulldogs,
they're top of the league.
That's a wrap. Fuck it.
What are you doing?
We start when you say action
and stop when you say
(women): Cut!
(upbeat dance music)
(Anik): Welcome back to
coverage of the National Senior
Tournament brought to
you by BROdude Sports.
I'm Anik Archambault
with an update
from the National
Senior Tournament.
The Brooks Barrelmen
lost a 3-2 heartbreaker
to the Charlottetown Reds,
but those Freezer Twins
they're still hurting, guys.
(energetic rock music)
(crowd jeers)
We've also got highlights
from this afternoon's
matinee game
between the SOO Hunt
and Les Rapides de
Rawdon. But first,
I was able to catch up
with team owner Marie-Mai
before the game,
who had this to say.
Toughness is at the forefront.
We've built our game
around the fight.
Around the physicality.
Did not expect to
see a lot of fighting
in this tournament with a
national title on the line.
Then don't invite
a team from Quebec.
It's senior whale
shit hockey after all.
If we win the fight,
we win the game.
(Anik): Looks like Marie-Mai's
guarantee holds water.
Les Rapides de
Rawdon won the fights
en route to winning the
game by a score of 3-1.
They remain undefeated.
Many of you at home
are probably thinking,
that's a lot of fighting for
a championship game. But
(Hitch): B'ys, it's
senior whale shit hockey.
Yeah, but we got a lot
of games this week,
so we gotta eat right.
Dolo, you have your four to six
servings of vegetables today?
Goody, you have your two to
four servings of fruit today?
- Fruit's unbelievable.
- Hitch, you keeping hydration
at optimal levels?
- Yes, b'y.
Six-ounce chicken breast
with brown rice and broccoli.
Now get fuckin' eating
to only 80% full.
What do you think, boys?
We gonna win this
whole fuckin' thing?
Lard Jaysus.
Yeah, I almost don't want to,
'cause the NOSHO record
party got so crazy.
(pulsing club music)
We can't get that drunk again.
Hear anything about that
Sly Sylvestri, old man?
The dirtiest player
in the tournament.
- Is that what they're saying?
- Are you?
I'd be up there.
You were in Boston's system
for a while. What happened?
Too dirty, I guess.
Took too many penalties.
- Uh-oh.
- Hadn't learned to keep it
under the radar yet.
- You've since learned?
Under 100 penalty
minutes this year.
Real humanitarian.
So, you get it by the refs.
What if someone from
the other team sees
and grabs a hold of you?
- What if?
They always do.
There hasn't been much
consequence for me yet.
What I love about hockey,
there's always justice.
- We'll see.
- Thanks for your time.
I hear the NOSHO's pretty dirty.
That might be an understatement.
Anybody out here
dirtier than me?
- I think it's Shoresy.
- No, he isn't.
He's the best in front
of the camera, by far.
Amongst the blind, the
one-eyed man is king.
He could really hold his own.
So, that's one thing
he's not too hurt to do.
Excuse me, apologies
if I'm interrupting.
You guys are with
the Bulldogs, right?
In more ways than one.
- I'm Gord Ga
- We know who you are.
We've got a bunch of
seafood coming in from PEI.
I'm looking for a big deep
freeze to store it in.
You know of anywhere?
- Got friends at a restaurant
down the street. Could ask.
Please and thank you.
What's it called?
- Respect is Burning.
- Heard it's good.
We'll keep you posted.
- Hey, you wanna go?
- I'm seeing someone.
No, I meant
Ziig?
Ziig?
Ziigwan.
Yeah. (Shoresy): Nope!
- You don't have a choice, slut.
- It's a fuckin' waste of time.
Jory Jordan is no waste of time.
I just sit there
and get peppered.
We have the boost in youth
ticket sales to prove it.
I hate that little shit so much.
- Quit whining, dude!
- I hate that little shit.
Can hear you from
down the hall, man.
Sound like a fuckin'
Pomeranian, bro.
Shouldn't it be grazing?
Why does he need three people
to hold his hand for this shit?
Go sit in the corner over
there. Chew your cud.
Hockey players
give back, Shoresy.
For the community,
by the community.
So, I'll ask again, are
you a hockey player?
- Fuckin' ugly one.
- Just give it a salt lick
or something. Keep it busy.
Gorgeous Gord just
asked out Ziig.
- Ziigwan!
- He's just being a slut.
You don't date sluts,
you just take them down.
- Fuckin' eh!
- So, he asked you out
'cause he's not interested?
- He can have any girl
in Sudbury. He doesn't want me.
(Miig whimpers mockingly)
So, what'd you say?
(Shoresy): You are
such a little shit.
- Your girl thinks I'm great.
- You're such a little rat fuck.
Oh, you think about me do you? What
are you one of those MAPS or something?
- Goofy little shit.
- You've had plenty of time
to think about me when
you're not scoring goals,
you fuckin' has been.
- You know, I'm only doing this
because I thought
you were a dying kid.
Well, guess what?
I'm not dying.
I'm not a kid either, you wash-up.
- Bet you haven't even
found your dick yet.
- Oh, it's hard to miss,
buddy, trust me.
- Oh yeah, I bet.
- Look how big my hands are.
- They're not big at all.
Shut up. Welcome
back to the Sudbury
Kids Sports Report.
I'm Jory Jordan.
Two guests cancelled and
the Zamboni driver said no,
so we've got number 69,
Shore. Fans may know him
from his Mic'd Up chirps,
but what you may not know
is he looks much
older in person.
How's it goin',
Shoresy? You look tired.
You're working through
a bit of a slump here.
What do you say to fans
who think the Bulldogs lost
the NOSHO 'cause you
weren't contributing?
Many say the classy move would
be to relinquish the captaincy,
rather than waiting for it to get
stripped from you. Your thoughts?
What do you say to fans
who think you could benefit
at your age from some sort of
skin rejuvenation treatment
and/or Propecia?
With the body clearly
failing you on the ice,
is it fair to assume it's failing
you in the bedroom as well?
Let's talk off mic about
erectile dysfunction
and how the conversation's
not as taboo as it once was.
- One more, Jory.
- Would you say you're more
insecure about the gray in your
hair, or the gray in your beard?
Fuckin' BROdude's here. Why aren't
we doing something with them?
We are.
Anik Archambault here, and
today, BROdude brings you
Bulldogs: All Access.
I'm here with
Jonathan Diaby aka JoDolo.
What it do, what it does.
(fans screaming in background)
There's that rowdy booster club.
Yeah, the Bluester
Club's ready to rip.
You ready to show me
how the boys get ready
for the Vaughan Canadesi?
The Jims. (Dolo): Jim.
Yeah. (Dolo): Jim.
Hello. (Dolo): Jim.
Sup, Dolo? What's
goin' on, buddy?
- Good luck tonight, Coach.
- Thank you.
The Bulldogs have
been almost perfect
since you took over
behind the bench.
What's your secret?
- I don't have any secrets.
Bit of a heart on
my sleeve kinda guy.
(Dolo): Sanger, tell
her the Jims' secrets.
- Oh, Jim?
- Yeah?
How do you tell a Jim where
you're going off the face-off?
Jim? Jim?
- What's that?
- Oh, it's how they communicate
on the ice. They go like.
(Shoresy): Are you telling
secrets, Sanguinet?
(Sanguinet): It's no secret.
Everyone knows Natives do that.
- Don't be an idiot.
- You don't be an idiot.
Don't embarrass him on TV.
Bien oui, let's see the room.
(Shoresy): Well, don't
be a fuckin' idiot
in there either, Sanguinet.
(Ziig): Don't embarrass
him or I'll embarrass you.
Try. (Ziig): Name
two continents.
Mustard and relish.
(Nat): Oh, my God.
Now that everyone's
decent, I'm here with
- Mark Michaels.
- And what's your nickname?
Never Miss (Hitch):
Doesn't have one.
It's Never Misses the Mark.
Explain the whole
nickname thing to me.
What's my hockey nickname?
Well, I don't know, hon,
what's your last name?
(Goody): You don't
know Anik Archambault?
(Shoresy): Loser.
(Goody): Come on, bro.
(Shoresy): Such a loser.
- I suppose I'd call ya
Shammy or Shammer, or
something like that.
(Goody): Archie?
(Dolo): Shamwow.
(Michaels): Bobo!
- Archie works.
Wow, so you just list
a bunch like that
and then the guy picks
the one he wants?
(Shoresy): Uh-uh.
- Ooh, you don't get to pick.
(Michaels): Well, Fish
doesn't have a nickname,
I mean, come on! (Shoresy):
Michaels, shut the fuck up.
- And you're Fish.
- Fish Daddy.
(Shoresy): Such a loser.
- No, no,
he strikes me as
a very sweet guy.
(Shoresy): Fish? He isn't.
Saw him walk by an old
lady the other day.
He didn't even
smile. (Fish): What?
You always smile at an old lady.
- Why?
- 'Cause you just do.
(Fish): Well, what if
she's not smiling at you?
You shut the fuck up and
smile at the old lady!
Well, that's as
good a time as any
to wrap up Bulldogs: All Access
and let the boys get ready
for the Vaughan Canadesi.
We've got warm-up from
the Sudbury arena next.
(Shoresy): You're such a
fuckin' lippy cunt, Fish.
I'm gonna fuckin'
(upbeat dance music)
(crowd cheering)
(whistle blows)
(Shoresy): Ninety-eight!
Ninety-eight!
(Sly): What?
- Get Bedard's number
off your back, you
fuckin' hotdog.
- Fuck you.
- Oh, my God!
One away from Wayne Gretzky, eh?
- Fuck off.
One away from the
Great One himself. Wow.
You're 69, ya fuckin' loser.
You must be pretty fuckin' good.
I'm gonna break
your fuckin' ankle.
Hear that boys, 98's scorin'
a fuckin' double hatty.
- You're fuckin' brutal.
- This guy's gonna score six.
Let the kids play,
ya fuckin' loser.
He's a fuckin' superstar.
(upbeat dance music continues)
Uh-oh, who's got 98 boys?
Guy's got 61 records.
How about a little PP love
for 98, Coach? He's a shooter.
Backhand sauce to a
little roof daddy, eh, 98?
What's good? 98 wants
a shorty. Hey, hey!
(dance music continues)
(crowd roars)
Settle down, boys! You
don't wanna wake up 98!
Hey, pass it to 98,
boys. He's a superstar.
Big minutes, 98. Big
shutdown minutes.
(music continues)
(crowd roars)
Hundred points, 100
PIMs, 98. Let's go!
Don't let 98 get goin',
boys. He's a shooter!
Could buy a fuckin' houseboat
with his rookie card.
(Shoresy screams)
(players shouting)
Where's the fuckin" high
stick? Fuckin' call it!
- Are you kidding me?!
- Holy shit.
Hruska, hey, hey, hey,
you ready to be on TV?
Yeah? Go get stitched
up, come back.
You know they're gonna put
you on TV. Right? Let's see.
Let's see. Yeah, you still
got a bunch in there.
Can you go? That's right, go
'til you can't go no more.
Go get stitched up and
come back, big boy.
You know they're
gonna put you on TV!
Show everybody how
fuckin' tough ya are.
(Anik): We're back from
commercial with more action
from the Sudbury
Blueberry Bulldogs
and the Vaughan Canadesi
as the Bulldogs' Jordan Hruska
has returned to the game
after a nasty high stick
from Sly Sylvestri.
All right, Hruska, let's see it.
Let's see the damage.
Give me the money shot.
There it is.
We know how this goes.
(Shoresy): All right, boys,
here he comes. Who wants him?
(Goody): I fuckin' want him.
Can already see them bickering.
- I fuckin' want him.
- No, the Jims are goin'.
- Fuckin' pussy.
- Fuck him up, man.
Gimme it!
Only real fight's
between our guys
to see who gets him.
(players shouting)
Bulldog hockey, baby.
- Go, go!
- Go on!
(players shouting indistinctly)
(Michaels): Fuck him up!
(Shoresy): Here come the
Jims, Sly, ya fuckin' bitch!
(crowd cheering)
What the fuck?!
Fuck you, Sly!
You fucking bitch.
(Miig): The Italians
are sending their goons.
- The Jims got it.
- Let's go Jims.
The Jims are such
fucking beauties.
(energetic trance music)
(players shouting)
Let's go! Let's go!
(music pauses)
(music resumes)
(Shoresy): Can't
hide forever, 98.
Can't hide forever,
ya fuckin' bitch.
Someone's gonna fuck you up.
May as well just get out
here and get it over with.
Ya fuckin' pussy.
(crowd jeers)
(music continues)
(buzzer honks)
Shoresy, limited ice for
you after that two-hander
from Sylvestri.
How's it feeling?
Never let 'em know you're hurt.
Another pointless outing for
both you and JJ Frankie JJ.
How hurt are you?
- No excuses.
I gotta be better out
there. It's the bottom line.
Just stop squeezing
the stick so hard
and maybe Frankie stops
squeezing the burritos so hard.
You sure that ankle's okay?
You got Bobby Clark'd.
Oh, Bobby's granddaughter
hits harder than that.
- Thanks, Shoresy.
- You bet.
(Shoresy exhales painfully)
Frankie, tu as une amie!
- Oui.
- C'est fantastique.
- Oui.
- Super.
- Oui.
- C'est super.
What the fuck do you
think you're doing?
Huh?
So, this is where
your head's been at?
- No.
- Yeah, so you're what's more
important than winning the
entire fuckin' country.
- What?
- You can have him.
What is fucking going on here?
- Bit young, but
- We were engaged.
He wants me back.
What is wrong with
you Quebec girls?
The Quebecois
stand by their own.
Yeah, but why do you
wanna stand by him?
- I don't know. It's a thing.
- Smells like fuckin' hotdogs.
- But I don't want him.
- He's fuckin' JJ
Frankfurter JJ.
He's fucking
Ballpark Beef Frank.
I don't want him.
Well, that makes
fuckin' one of ya.
He's been chasing
me around for weeks,
so I told him that. And
now he's subtweeting me.
- Consensually?
- You don't know
what subtweeting means?
- No.
He's all over social media
sending out these super
dramatic public messages
that aren't directly
aimed at anyone,
but everybody knows
he's talking about me.
- Like what?
- I'll show you.
Translated to English.
"Wow never thought
I'd feel like this."
So, he's not saying this to
anyone, he's just saying it?
- Yeah, keep
- Huh?
Yes, it's meant to
create speculation.
Make people wonder. It's
meant to cause some drama.
Keep reading. One hour later.
"You never got to
know the real me.
I'm glad I didn't
let you." Oh, my God.
Keep going. An
hour after that.
"I know what I deserve and
it's much more than this."
That's embarrassing.
- How do you think I feel?
Keep going. 15
minutes after that.
"You don't deserve my tears.
You've taken enough."
What a loser!
And Quebec girls want this guy?
- No.
- Huh?
No one wants him anymore.
What about Laurence Laboeuf?
Laurence Laboeuf?
She dumped him
after some big
party you guys had.
A lot of rumors flying around
about that night, so you know.
Most not true, I hope.
(energetic club music)
What happened there?