Smiling Friends (2020) s03e03 Episode Script
Mole Man
Mr. Ventura,
how do you justify your insanity
and being wrong about everything?
Excuse me, I saw the tape
of President Shrimp being shot.
Okay, I'm an expert marksman,
and I couldn't have made the shot.
He's right, Pim.
I mean, like, if you really
think about it, he's right.
Can we change it back
to the funny cat compilation
we had on, Charlie?
Wait, dude, just tell me, explain to me,
how did the magic bullet go
through President Shrimp's head,
into the governor in front of him,
then into the driver to the left of them,
then behind him into his wife,
and then back
into President Shrimp's head?
Explain that to me, man.
I don't I don't know.
I don't like to think about
that stuff, Charlie,
-to be honest.
-Dude, I'm just asking--
Glep, what happened in here?
There was a big noise.
What's that?
The floor collapsed?
Pim and Charlie fell down into it?
Oh, my God! Somebody call the police!
Charlie?
Charlie, wake up.
Are we dead?
Am I in hell again?
Oh, my gosh.
Are those photos of us?
Is that really what I look like?
Man, I need to lose weight
fucking immediately.
That is really, really bad, dude.
Who are you?
Me? Oh, me?
I am Mole Man.
And can I just say,
I'm so honored to finally have
the Pim and Charlie
in my cool fucking mole hole.
Do you like it?
-Yeah. It's, like, a standard mole hole.
-Yeah.
Wait, also, how do you know our names?
Oh, I know everything about you two.
You see
in the beginning I lived a simple
and peaceful life in my mole hole
until that building of yours was erected
right above my head and ruined everything.
At first, listening to you two
babble on and on and on
nearly drove me to madness.
But then something strange
began to happen.
I started getting used to your talking
and silly shenanigans,
and then I even started
to grow accustomed to it.
What once was a passionate hatred
became a craving.
In your absence, I felt incomplete,
so I began tunneling around
with my mole abilities,
following you wherever you went,
admiring you from afar.
Yes, I've been there the entire time,
Pim and Charlie.
All of your jokes, all of your banter,
all of your filthy little secrets.
I was there for it all.
And now you're finally here,
and I can have you all to my mole self.
Well, that's a lovely story, Mr. Mole Man,
but you didn't have to capture us
and tie us up.
You could have just come and talked to us.
Oh, that's nice of you to say, Pim.
But unfortunately,
I cannot go to the surface
because everyone will see
my disgusting penis.
I mean, just don't show it.
A classic Charlie line.
I knew you'd say a funny,
quippy line like that.
How cute, how quaint,
how interesting, how cool,
how queer, how funny, how silly, how--
Dude, what do you want with us?
I just want you to be yourselves.
Behold!
You didn't just see my penis, did you?
No, I was looking at the thing
you just revealed.
-I didn't even see it.
-Yeah. Same.
I was just looking at the building.
Are you sure you didn't see my penis
when I went, whoop, like that? No?
Whoop! Like that? No, huh?
You didn't see it then?
Whoop! Watch out. There it is.
So? Any luck?
Yeah, look, unfortunately,
that sinkhole completely closed up.
Even if we did retrieve their bodies,
they would look like ground beef.
Which, I mean, may sound delicious,
but would be very scary for you to see.
Yeah, no, that does sound delicious,
but, yeah, I get I get what you mean.
All right, have a nice day.
I can't believe it. They're really gone.
My boys!
Smiling Friends is over!
You've still got Glep and I, Mr. Boss.
Wait, Allan.
What if you and Glep
were the new Smiling Friends?
-Okay.
-The Smiling Friends are back!
I thought I already was a Smiling Friend.
All right, go.
What do you mean?
Just, you know, do funny stuff.
Do your classic realistic dialogue
with each other.
Hi, Pim.
How are you do-- How are you doing?
I'm good, Charlie.
How are you doing?
Fucking stupid thing.
Yo, yo. What's up, my fellow coworkers?
Hey, yo, guys, I've got a good one.
What would you do if a fucking gnome
just ran in here all of a sudden
and started going
What would you do? What would you say?
Would you just want to smash it
with a hammer or what?
That was really fun, Mole Man.
You're great at this.
I think we can call it a day now
and go back--
Oh, you guys.
I hear someone coming.
You boys have a job
Did you hear that, guys?
We've got a job to go on.
The three Smiling Friends have a job.
A job. A job to go on.
Let's go on a job!
All right, Glep. This is very important.
We can't screw this up.
Hello, we're the Smooling Fronds.
-Fuck!
-Oh, wonderful!
Please, come in.
I've been so depressed
ever since my husband ran out on me
and my beautiful triplets.
I just need someone to look after them
while I go to work.
-Yeah, sure, we can do that.
-Great!
There's a lasagna in the freezer
and instructions in the fridge. Goodbye!
So
do you want the lasagna now?
My foot!
Glep!
All right, here we are.
We're gonna make someone smile. Yay.
Who Who are we supposed to be helping?
Oh, you came just in time.
I need you to help me smile
because I'm afraid people
will see my disgusting penis.
Oh, sorry to hear that, Mr. Mole Man.
I personally think your penis
is very nice and not disgusting at all.
Really? Oh, wow. Thank you, kind stranger.
Wow, that's very nice of you to say.
What do you think, Pim and Charlie?
What do you think of his penis?
I mean, yeah, I think it's
-Yep.
-Oh, thank you.
And what about you, sir?
Yeah, what do you think
about his penis, Charlie?
I
No. No, I'm not commenting on that.
My heroes don't like my penis?
They hate my penis?
No.
Glep?
Hey! Turn that off!
Charlie, I'm really scared.
How are we gonna get out of here?
It's all right, Pim. Let's just think.
What would WWE star
and former governor of Minnesota,
Jesse Ventura, do?
Charlie, you're being
psychologically manipulated.
The answer's been in front of you
the whole time.
Just like 9/11.
Oh, wait.
Pim, these are flimsy tree roots.
We could've just broken out
of these the whole time.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Oh no! Which way do we go?
That way!
What the hell? Vivianne! Get in here!
Little colorful characters
are running around in the vents!
I'm sure there are.
All right, just go to sleep.
How dare you run away from me,
you ungrateful little twats?
Wait, that sounded like Allan.
Allan, Glep, what are you guys doing here?
Pim? Charlie? You're alive?
I've got you now!
Oh. Allan and Glep.
You're not even
technically Smiling Friends,
but I'll kill you anyway.
Fuck you.
I'm home!
Oh, sorry! I didn't mean to show you that.
So sorry,
I know it's disgusting. I'm sorry.
No, I
I love it.
-Really?
-Yeah, I really do.
My name's Maurine, by the way.
Oh, that's awesome.
I'm Mole Man,
and you're the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen in my life.
Hey, maybe this is crazy, but
do you want to marry me
and be the father of my triplets?
Yes, I do!
Oh, hooray!
Children, come in here!
Meet your new Mole-daddy!
I spent my whole life obsessing
over Pim and Charlie,
but this is my new obsession now.
Fuck Pim and Charlie!
I have a family now.
You know, I just gotta say,
we avoided seeing it the whole time,
Pim, and I just saw it right there,
and it was not as bad as I thought--
It looked pretty good
from what I thought it'd be.
The penis? Yeah, I saw it too.
Yeah, it looked good.
Looked like a good penis.
'Cause he hyped it up
and said it would be horrible,
-and said it would be ugly.
-I thought it looked delicious.
What's that?
I thought the penis looked delicious.
Mr. Boss, Pim and Charlie didn't die.
They were alive the whole time.
how do you justify your insanity
and being wrong about everything?
Excuse me, I saw the tape
of President Shrimp being shot.
Okay, I'm an expert marksman,
and I couldn't have made the shot.
He's right, Pim.
I mean, like, if you really
think about it, he's right.
Can we change it back
to the funny cat compilation
we had on, Charlie?
Wait, dude, just tell me, explain to me,
how did the magic bullet go
through President Shrimp's head,
into the governor in front of him,
then into the driver to the left of them,
then behind him into his wife,
and then back
into President Shrimp's head?
Explain that to me, man.
I don't I don't know.
I don't like to think about
that stuff, Charlie,
-to be honest.
-Dude, I'm just asking--
Glep, what happened in here?
There was a big noise.
What's that?
The floor collapsed?
Pim and Charlie fell down into it?
Oh, my God! Somebody call the police!
Charlie?
Charlie, wake up.
Are we dead?
Am I in hell again?
Oh, my gosh.
Are those photos of us?
Is that really what I look like?
Man, I need to lose weight
fucking immediately.
That is really, really bad, dude.
Who are you?
Me? Oh, me?
I am Mole Man.
And can I just say,
I'm so honored to finally have
the Pim and Charlie
in my cool fucking mole hole.
Do you like it?
-Yeah. It's, like, a standard mole hole.
-Yeah.
Wait, also, how do you know our names?
Oh, I know everything about you two.
You see
in the beginning I lived a simple
and peaceful life in my mole hole
until that building of yours was erected
right above my head and ruined everything.
At first, listening to you two
babble on and on and on
nearly drove me to madness.
But then something strange
began to happen.
I started getting used to your talking
and silly shenanigans,
and then I even started
to grow accustomed to it.
What once was a passionate hatred
became a craving.
In your absence, I felt incomplete,
so I began tunneling around
with my mole abilities,
following you wherever you went,
admiring you from afar.
Yes, I've been there the entire time,
Pim and Charlie.
All of your jokes, all of your banter,
all of your filthy little secrets.
I was there for it all.
And now you're finally here,
and I can have you all to my mole self.
Well, that's a lovely story, Mr. Mole Man,
but you didn't have to capture us
and tie us up.
You could have just come and talked to us.
Oh, that's nice of you to say, Pim.
But unfortunately,
I cannot go to the surface
because everyone will see
my disgusting penis.
I mean, just don't show it.
A classic Charlie line.
I knew you'd say a funny,
quippy line like that.
How cute, how quaint,
how interesting, how cool,
how queer, how funny, how silly, how--
Dude, what do you want with us?
I just want you to be yourselves.
Behold!
You didn't just see my penis, did you?
No, I was looking at the thing
you just revealed.
-I didn't even see it.
-Yeah. Same.
I was just looking at the building.
Are you sure you didn't see my penis
when I went, whoop, like that? No?
Whoop! Like that? No, huh?
You didn't see it then?
Whoop! Watch out. There it is.
So? Any luck?
Yeah, look, unfortunately,
that sinkhole completely closed up.
Even if we did retrieve their bodies,
they would look like ground beef.
Which, I mean, may sound delicious,
but would be very scary for you to see.
Yeah, no, that does sound delicious,
but, yeah, I get I get what you mean.
All right, have a nice day.
I can't believe it. They're really gone.
My boys!
Smiling Friends is over!
You've still got Glep and I, Mr. Boss.
Wait, Allan.
What if you and Glep
were the new Smiling Friends?
-Okay.
-The Smiling Friends are back!
I thought I already was a Smiling Friend.
All right, go.
What do you mean?
Just, you know, do funny stuff.
Do your classic realistic dialogue
with each other.
Hi, Pim.
How are you do-- How are you doing?
I'm good, Charlie.
How are you doing?
Fucking stupid thing.
Yo, yo. What's up, my fellow coworkers?
Hey, yo, guys, I've got a good one.
What would you do if a fucking gnome
just ran in here all of a sudden
and started going
What would you do? What would you say?
Would you just want to smash it
with a hammer or what?
That was really fun, Mole Man.
You're great at this.
I think we can call it a day now
and go back--
Oh, you guys.
I hear someone coming.
You boys have a job
Did you hear that, guys?
We've got a job to go on.
The three Smiling Friends have a job.
A job. A job to go on.
Let's go on a job!
All right, Glep. This is very important.
We can't screw this up.
Hello, we're the Smooling Fronds.
-Fuck!
-Oh, wonderful!
Please, come in.
I've been so depressed
ever since my husband ran out on me
and my beautiful triplets.
I just need someone to look after them
while I go to work.
-Yeah, sure, we can do that.
-Great!
There's a lasagna in the freezer
and instructions in the fridge. Goodbye!
So
do you want the lasagna now?
My foot!
Glep!
All right, here we are.
We're gonna make someone smile. Yay.
Who Who are we supposed to be helping?
Oh, you came just in time.
I need you to help me smile
because I'm afraid people
will see my disgusting penis.
Oh, sorry to hear that, Mr. Mole Man.
I personally think your penis
is very nice and not disgusting at all.
Really? Oh, wow. Thank you, kind stranger.
Wow, that's very nice of you to say.
What do you think, Pim and Charlie?
What do you think of his penis?
I mean, yeah, I think it's
-Yep.
-Oh, thank you.
And what about you, sir?
Yeah, what do you think
about his penis, Charlie?
I
No. No, I'm not commenting on that.
My heroes don't like my penis?
They hate my penis?
No.
Glep?
Hey! Turn that off!
Charlie, I'm really scared.
How are we gonna get out of here?
It's all right, Pim. Let's just think.
What would WWE star
and former governor of Minnesota,
Jesse Ventura, do?
Charlie, you're being
psychologically manipulated.
The answer's been in front of you
the whole time.
Just like 9/11.
Oh, wait.
Pim, these are flimsy tree roots.
We could've just broken out
of these the whole time.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Oh no! Which way do we go?
That way!
What the hell? Vivianne! Get in here!
Little colorful characters
are running around in the vents!
I'm sure there are.
All right, just go to sleep.
How dare you run away from me,
you ungrateful little twats?
Wait, that sounded like Allan.
Allan, Glep, what are you guys doing here?
Pim? Charlie? You're alive?
I've got you now!
Oh. Allan and Glep.
You're not even
technically Smiling Friends,
but I'll kill you anyway.
Fuck you.
I'm home!
Oh, sorry! I didn't mean to show you that.
So sorry,
I know it's disgusting. I'm sorry.
No, I
I love it.
-Really?
-Yeah, I really do.
My name's Maurine, by the way.
Oh, that's awesome.
I'm Mole Man,
and you're the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen in my life.
Hey, maybe this is crazy, but
do you want to marry me
and be the father of my triplets?
Yes, I do!
Oh, hooray!
Children, come in here!
Meet your new Mole-daddy!
I spent my whole life obsessing
over Pim and Charlie,
but this is my new obsession now.
Fuck Pim and Charlie!
I have a family now.
You know, I just gotta say,
we avoided seeing it the whole time,
Pim, and I just saw it right there,
and it was not as bad as I thought--
It looked pretty good
from what I thought it'd be.
The penis? Yeah, I saw it too.
Yeah, it looked good.
Looked like a good penis.
'Cause he hyped it up
and said it would be horrible,
-and said it would be ugly.
-I thought it looked delicious.
What's that?
I thought the penis looked delicious.
Mr. Boss, Pim and Charlie didn't die.
They were alive the whole time.