Superjail! (2007) s03e03 Episode Script
Uh-Oh Magic
Oh, life on the outside ain't what it used to be you know, the world's gone crazy, and it ain't safe on the street well, it's a drag, and I know There's only one place to go I'm coming home whoa, yeah I'm coming home Oh, God.
Oh, God.
He's gonna blow! All right, all right.
And now the amazing Jared! And now tonight's final act, the warden and his very special friend.
Nice dolly, warden.
Get your hand out of the puppet's ass, homo.
Baby's got a new toy.
Shut your pieholes, dirtbags.
I'd like to introduce you to my little pal, Prison Pee-Dee.
Say hello, Pee-Dee.
Hello.
That was awkward.
There's always room for improvement, sir.
I've been practicing magic since I've been sober.
Why don't you teach me your little parlor tricks, for everyone's sake? A true magician never reveals his secrets.
Get your ass out here, amazing Jack-off.
Your fans suck.
Please, Jared! I want to be popular like you.
Magic isn't some quick path to social acceptance.
Magic is an art form that takes practice, hard work, and discipline.
I don't have the time or the patience for patience and hard work.
Mark my words, amazing Jared.
I'll find a way to be the most talented employee in Superjail.
Can you point us somewhere that we might improve our magic tricks? "Magic for Dummies.
" This is just what I need to take down the amazing Jared.
Fiery flame burning bright, turn this dummy funny tonight.
It's working.
Say something funny.
Put some pants on, dummy.
It worked! It worked! Again, again! Seriously, put your clothes on before I choke on my barf, you scrawny bastard.
He's good.
Watch and learn, Has-been-dini.
And now the warden.
I don't know what you're all complaining about.
I'm the one who's got the warden's hand up my ass.
Good one, dummy! This one's the dummy.
Now pull down your pants, dummy.
Uh, I don't know.
See? They love you, dummy.
Who's the dummy? And now dummy's gonna get water-boarded while I tell you all some jokes.
I have to hand it to you, sir.
An act like this could go straight to the top.
How does a small dumbass like you think big like that? You should be our manager, genius.
Me? He's joking, Jared.
You've got other responsibilities.
I'm not joking, dummy.
Responsibilities are overrated, and we need to strike while we're hot.
We got to grow corn while the sun's shining.
Besides, we already got him an assistant to play grab-ass with.
We did? Check out your new digs.
It's showtime! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Another sold-out show.
This Pee-Dee stuff sold like puri cakes.
They're not touching this stuff.
It's like a fat chick with the clap.
I think it's clear.
It's time to split, warden.
I couldn't agree with you more.
Jared, bump my share of the profits up to half.
No, dummy! Split up, like you're fired! Ain't that right, dumbass? I couldn't you're the manager.
You know I'm the one they want to see.
I'm the one paying you 10% and keeping your office stocked with booze and blow.
Who's it gonna be, dumbass? Me or the dummy? He's right, sir.
Come on, hand him over.
No, I won't.
He's mine.
I made him.
This is my act, not his.
Come on, take it like a man.
For Pee-Dee's sake, have some dignity.
You'll regret this, Jared.
He's a little wooden backstabber.
You'll see! Take a whiff.
You done good, dumbass.
It's our lucky break, the big time! You sure got a big head, dumbass.
I hope it's big enough to take this show on the road.
You bet it is, boss! We're going on tour! No! This super-sized Prison Pee-Dee is great.
It's gonna knock them dead on the outside.
Someone's gonna have to stay behind.
Sorry, Gary.
The little people don't always make it to the big time.
You are smart, dumbass.
I'll bring you back a souvenir.
I don't want a souvenir! I want to go on tour! I made you a star! Traitor! Ingrate! Backstabber! You were right.
He ditched me.
Grape juice? Never been much of a drinker.
Oh, sir, can you ever forgive me? Fame can change a man, Jared, give him a big head.
And your head is already big enormous, actually.
The cards were stacked against you from the start, I guess.
I forgive you, Jared.
Oh, thank you, sir.
I just want to know one thing.
How did your act get so good overnight? Magic, duh.
Sir, this book is a bunch of nonsense.
How did Pee-Dee keep talking if you weren't throwing your voice? The fame and excitement must have been clouding my judgment.
Of course! Gary and bird! What do you say I show you a few tricks and we give Superjail the greatest show they've ever seen, partner? I don't get it.
Says here he was such a smooth talker, his old warden chopped his tongue off.
Yeah, but it's the vocal cords that does all the work.
He won't be using those anymore to throw his voice.
Doesn't mean we can't throw his voice In the trash.
Now, that's the best trick I've seen all day making Gary's voice disappear.
You haven't heard the last of Gary!
Oh, God.
He's gonna blow! All right, all right.
And now the amazing Jared! And now tonight's final act, the warden and his very special friend.
Nice dolly, warden.
Get your hand out of the puppet's ass, homo.
Baby's got a new toy.
Shut your pieholes, dirtbags.
I'd like to introduce you to my little pal, Prison Pee-Dee.
Say hello, Pee-Dee.
Hello.
That was awkward.
There's always room for improvement, sir.
I've been practicing magic since I've been sober.
Why don't you teach me your little parlor tricks, for everyone's sake? A true magician never reveals his secrets.
Get your ass out here, amazing Jack-off.
Your fans suck.
Please, Jared! I want to be popular like you.
Magic isn't some quick path to social acceptance.
Magic is an art form that takes practice, hard work, and discipline.
I don't have the time or the patience for patience and hard work.
Mark my words, amazing Jared.
I'll find a way to be the most talented employee in Superjail.
Can you point us somewhere that we might improve our magic tricks? "Magic for Dummies.
" This is just what I need to take down the amazing Jared.
Fiery flame burning bright, turn this dummy funny tonight.
It's working.
Say something funny.
Put some pants on, dummy.
It worked! It worked! Again, again! Seriously, put your clothes on before I choke on my barf, you scrawny bastard.
He's good.
Watch and learn, Has-been-dini.
And now the warden.
I don't know what you're all complaining about.
I'm the one who's got the warden's hand up my ass.
Good one, dummy! This one's the dummy.
Now pull down your pants, dummy.
Uh, I don't know.
See? They love you, dummy.
Who's the dummy? And now dummy's gonna get water-boarded while I tell you all some jokes.
I have to hand it to you, sir.
An act like this could go straight to the top.
How does a small dumbass like you think big like that? You should be our manager, genius.
Me? He's joking, Jared.
You've got other responsibilities.
I'm not joking, dummy.
Responsibilities are overrated, and we need to strike while we're hot.
We got to grow corn while the sun's shining.
Besides, we already got him an assistant to play grab-ass with.
We did? Check out your new digs.
It's showtime! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Another sold-out show.
This Pee-Dee stuff sold like puri cakes.
They're not touching this stuff.
It's like a fat chick with the clap.
I think it's clear.
It's time to split, warden.
I couldn't agree with you more.
Jared, bump my share of the profits up to half.
No, dummy! Split up, like you're fired! Ain't that right, dumbass? I couldn't you're the manager.
You know I'm the one they want to see.
I'm the one paying you 10% and keeping your office stocked with booze and blow.
Who's it gonna be, dumbass? Me or the dummy? He's right, sir.
Come on, hand him over.
No, I won't.
He's mine.
I made him.
This is my act, not his.
Come on, take it like a man.
For Pee-Dee's sake, have some dignity.
You'll regret this, Jared.
He's a little wooden backstabber.
You'll see! Take a whiff.
You done good, dumbass.
It's our lucky break, the big time! You sure got a big head, dumbass.
I hope it's big enough to take this show on the road.
You bet it is, boss! We're going on tour! No! This super-sized Prison Pee-Dee is great.
It's gonna knock them dead on the outside.
Someone's gonna have to stay behind.
Sorry, Gary.
The little people don't always make it to the big time.
You are smart, dumbass.
I'll bring you back a souvenir.
I don't want a souvenir! I want to go on tour! I made you a star! Traitor! Ingrate! Backstabber! You were right.
He ditched me.
Grape juice? Never been much of a drinker.
Oh, sir, can you ever forgive me? Fame can change a man, Jared, give him a big head.
And your head is already big enormous, actually.
The cards were stacked against you from the start, I guess.
I forgive you, Jared.
Oh, thank you, sir.
I just want to know one thing.
How did your act get so good overnight? Magic, duh.
Sir, this book is a bunch of nonsense.
How did Pee-Dee keep talking if you weren't throwing your voice? The fame and excitement must have been clouding my judgment.
Of course! Gary and bird! What do you say I show you a few tricks and we give Superjail the greatest show they've ever seen, partner? I don't get it.
Says here he was such a smooth talker, his old warden chopped his tongue off.
Yeah, but it's the vocal cords that does all the work.
He won't be using those anymore to throw his voice.
Doesn't mean we can't throw his voice In the trash.
Now, that's the best trick I've seen all day making Gary's voice disappear.
You haven't heard the last of Gary!