The Cleaner (2021) s03e03 Episode Script

1
HE SIGHS
Ooh, what the hell?
What time is it?
5:30. I've got a job.
Do you have to go now?
Come back for a bit.
I'll make it worth your while.
No. I haven't got time
for your nonsense.
I feel awful.
You've never complained
about my nonsense before.
I can't wait to retire.
It can't be normal
to wake up every day
feeling like you've
had a stroke.
You can have a stroke.
Stop making moves
on me, you Hobbit!
I feel dreadful. I've got
to be there in half an hour.
Well, you don't normally
need that long, Grandad.
HE SCOFFS Oh, she's
a funny woman, isn't she?
SHE GIGGLES
All right.
All right, you sexy munchkin.
I'll show you how much
energy Grandad's got.
Oh! Wahey!
Now!
Oi! You can't park there.
You can't!
Good morning to you.
Don't worry, I have a permit.
A blue badge? I can't
see a blue badge!
How have you got a blue badge?
He couldn't even get a blue
badge and he has bad legs.
Don't talk about my bad legs!
You want to worry
about your bad eyes!
It's not a blue badge,
it's police-issue so
You're not a policeman!
I'm here to clean.
What?
You're a man!
The world has gone mad!
A man earning a living like
some Scottish single mother?
No, no. I'm a crime
scene cleaner.
No, you can't park
there, you'll get towed.
Come on. We'll miss coffee hour.
Oh, get off me, woman!
When I think of
the girls I courted
Oh, don't you bore me again
about your horrible sluttish past!
It It wasn't horrible
and it wasn't sluttish.
How dare you!
ON PA: It's 6:45am and welcome
to Drakefield Community Centre.
The Watercolour Wanderers
are delayed by nine minutes
and a happy 85th
birthday to Alfred.
Hello, you're late.
What's going on?
Why's it so busy?
Sorry, I'm the cleaner.
I know who you are. You
were supposed to be here at six.
They start to queue from six.
Sorry, traffic.
I'll just crack on,
though, shall I?
No, no, no, you can't clean now.
Can I not? No.
Next session
starts in 12 minutes.
Oh, God, I'd never
hear the end of it.
Jesus Christ,
the letters I'd get.
Makes me feel physically
sick just thinking about it.
I don't understand.
OK, once coffee hour's finished,
then the space is booked
by specialist groups. OK?
They book months in advance and
they do not want to share with anyone.
OK?
UNDER BREATH:
There's a committee.
It's fine. Old people love me.
Mm. OK.
Hey! What happened by the way?
Oh, yeah, Bill, one
of our regulars, he
He fell off the balcony.
YELLING
THUD!
He fell, did he?
Well, the police are pretty sure
that's what happened, Pauline, yeah.
Oh, I'm sure they are.
Less paperwork.
Bill had bad lungs but there was
nothing wrong with his balance.
Yeah, that won't be the last
conspiracy you hear today.
Trust me.
Margaret, did those
drawing pins I ordered arrive?
I can't keep putting these
notices up with my bad hands.
Ah, I'm just waiting on the
committee to OK the spend.
SHE GRUMBLES
There's a lot of bad body
parts here, isn't there?
Has anyone actually been
diagnosed with anything?
Oh, they don't go to the doctor.
They don't like to
trouble the doctor.
No, they save it all for me.
Look! Take a piece of advice
from someone who knows, yeah?
This is their world.
Do not get sucked in!
Now sit down and
keep yourself to yourself.
You're in my chair.
Oh, hello again. Sorry.
I hate it when people
do that to me in the pub.
Oh!
I'm Wicky, by the way.
Mmm! Now, what's this?
Oh, hello, again. I sit there.
I need a high back!
- HE CHUCKLES - Oh
The old bad legs again, is it?
I was shot in the
spine in the Falklands.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
You've done it now.
He's on the committee.
Oh.
BUSY CHATTER
If you're struggling
a little bit,
I use these for distance.
Would you like to
Eh?
Oh! This is him.
He said he was glad I was shot.
No. I did not!
I'm so sorry, I'll speak
to the gentleman.
Oh, dear!
You've made me miss coffee hour.
You've done it now, you bounder!
How will I take my pills?
She uses her tea
to take her pills.
AND he's still in my chair!
He needs a high-back chair!
Margaret, this sort
of thing can't carry on.
It just can't.
My glasses
Well, I warned you.
Your first letter.
Insulting a veteran.
Impersonating a police
officer to get free parking.
I thought I told you to
keep yourself to yourself.
I thought I was!
SHE HUFFS
HE EXHALES
Welcome, ladies.
It's lovely to see you.
Right, let's crack on.
HE EXHALES
Oh, hello.
I'm afraid the Watercolour
Wanderers are fully subscribed.
We can include you in
an internet waiting list.
Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm
just here to clean this.
Impossible, I'm afraid.
My artists need a
contemplative atmosphere.
The only sound you will hear will be
the sound of soft brush upon canvas.
So
Good morning,
Watercolour Wanderers.
Art mirrors life and you
have captured life in
ZIP CLOSING
MUTTERING
..in your art.
Today, though, we
dare to face death.
CASE THUDS
Sorry.
WHISPERING: It's him over
there and he's nothing but trouble.
GLOVES SNAP
Our brushes pay homage
to a dearly departed friend.
BRUSH SCRUBS LOUDLY
HUSHED GASPS
Today, Water Colourers,
we immortalise Bill.
OOHING & AHHING
BRUSH SCRUBBING
Oh, so disrespectful!
I'll brush quieter.
..outing you, outing me
I'm sick of
I'm going to have words with
him. HUSHED COMPLAINTS
It's hard to see in these specs.
I'm sorry, I'm really trying.
Ahh!
SHE GASPS
Oh!
Hello?
SHE GROANS
DEEP RUMBLE
THEY BOTH SHRIEK
Mother of God, someone stop him!
SHRIEKING CONTINUES
HE SMACKS LIPS
Ah, well, these things happen.
Six letters now.
"It felt like he was dancing
on Bill's grave, naked."
I lent her the
glasses to be helpful!
They don't like to be helped.
They don't want
to be patronised.
I thought retirement was some
golden period of happy reflection.
Look, please, just
mind your own business.
Only clean when
the space is empty.
And never give up an
opportunity to apologise.
Because they always win.
All right.
I'll go and get some
kit from my van.
Apologetically. Very good.
How dare you?
Oh, shit. Now she's accusing
Sue! Would you look at her go.
Great! That's what happens when
you watch Midsomer Murders all day.
Ladies, ladies, ladies What?
Right No Ladies,
ladies, ladies, please. Please.
Ah, there you are.
It's this way.
Sorry? It's in here.
Quick as you like.
They're waiting.
Who's waiting?
Now, then, what a treat
it is for us to welcome
..Huw Davey!
It is quite the privilege for us
to be joined by a
professional singer
and I know you've all
been looking forward to it.
Oh, I do think there's been
a little bit of confusion here.
This is his pre-show banter.
He did all this on the cruise.
No, the thing is, I am
actually just here to clean.
A male cleaner! You
were right, he's a riot!
Pick a song, Davey.
This is the Sing-Along
Swingers, not a chat club.
Yes, but
Davey, take it from
me, get them singing.
You're losing them.
HUSHED WHISPERS
Right, well
Ladies and gentlemen,
I wasn't expecting this,
but let's do this, shall we?
MIC INTERFERENCE
Pack up your
troubles in your old kitbag
And smile, smile, smile ♪
ORGAN ACCOMPANIES
You know it.
Don't let your fear
and laughter hear the snag
Smile, boys, that's the style ♪
ORGAN STOPS
Now we're cooking!
What's the use in worrying?
It never was worthwhile ♪
Oh, shut up! You sing so
So you
What the hell was that?
How old do you think we are?
Pack Up Your Troubles?
None of us were more
than toddlers in the war!
Oh I was at Woodstock,
you cheeky pig!
We're boomers!
I've had three abortions.
Three?
Your body, your right.
Now, let's give Mr
Davey a chance.
Get the era right,
Davey, for God's sake!
There's going to be a riot.
Yes, but I'm not the singer.
- Follow me.
- HE PLAYS ORGAN
One, two, three
o'clock, four o'clock, rock
Five, six, seven
o'clock, eight o'clock, rock
Nine, ten, 11
o'clock, 12 o'clock, rock
We're going to rock
around the clock tonight
Put your glad rags
on And join me ♪
- No, no. Stop, stop.
- THEY SING
Sorry to interrupt!
- Sorry to interrupt.
- SINGING STOPS
Can we have a
word, please? Yeah.
It's fine.
Thatcher out! Oh!
GASPS
MIC INTERFERENCE
What the hell?!
I tried to tell them.
They wouldn't listen!
Ah. Mr Huw Davey.
Please, do go in.
HIGH-PITCHED: You'll
be hearing from my solicitor!
You are one incident away from
them calling a committee disciplinary.
Please, don't go
opening a pandora's box.
Now, you might get
15 minutes of cleaning
before the Ballroom Follies
take over the main space, OK?
Oh, Danny boy, the
pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen ♪
Having a good
morning, young man?
I mean, to be honest, it's more
stressful than I ever imagined.
Poor Bill would be
turning in his grave.
Wonderful man.
Loved by all.
Well, nearly all.
You don't think it was
an accident, do you?
SHE SCOFFS
He fell, did he?
Well, yeah, the police report
The police! The police
Wake up!
He was pushed!
BILL YELLS
THUD!
WHISPERING: By who?
I have yet to reach
my conclusions,
but I am currently
finding Christine's portrait
very interesting.
Ugh.
Oh! Now, don't you
go aggravating her,
she's only just managed
to get her pills down.
Actually, Maud, I
wanted to apologise.
I shouldn't have
interfered before.
I shouldn't have
lent you my glasses.
You falling over - my fault.
You not being able
to take your pills -
also my fault, so
You can cut my lawn!
Hey? She wants
you to make amends.
OK.
I guess I could pop over on
my day off next Wednesday.
Wednesday is recycling day.
All day?
You heard the woman,
it's recycling day!
One weekend? Ah, lovely!
A noisy lawnmower
driving the neighbours mad.
Why not organise a rave in her
garden, too? Bring a bag of Es!
Drugs?!
We can't have
drugs on the property!
Oh, well done,
you've upset her again!
Can't you see she's
got bad nerves?
SHE WHIMPERS
HE SIGHS
You look like you need that.
Tough morning?
- HE SCOFFS -
Well, I haven't really
had a chance to do anything yet.
People are a little
inflexible round here.
- Yeah.
- THEY CHUCKLE
Would you care to join me?
Yeah.
Ballroom Follies?
Yes, I do enjoy a dance.
Gets the creaky
old joints moving.
Oh, that's lovely.
How long have you been dancing?
Oh, about three years now.
Since my husband died.
HE SMACKS LIPS
Oh.
Well, that's sweet.
It must be a real
comfort to know
that you'll always
have those memories,
no matter what happens
Bitch!
Sorry?
Look! That Carol Davies.
I knew she'd do this.
I showed her my new ballgown,
and she goes straight
out and buys the same one.
Might be a coincidence, no?
Don't be so fucking naive.
I've planned for this.
Second dress!
Mm.
Right, I'm going
to need your help.
Come to the ladies'.
What?
I need you to stop
people coming in.
No, no, no, I don't
want to get involved.
Oh, it's too late for that now.
Cover me.
Erm Cover me.
Oh, I'm so sorry, they're out
of action at the moment, so
Are you having a problem, Carol?
He's blocking the way!
Good God, man, interfering
with the ladies' toilets now.
Do we need to add
Peeping Tom to your CV?
Hey?! He pretended to be
disabled to get a blue badge.
I didn't, Carol.
And I was asked to stand here!
Where's Margaret?
This is a committee job.
We can't have a sexual
deviant blocking the toilets.
All right. Go in.
What do I care!
SCREAMING
What the hell?
He's exposed her!
On purpose!
Twisted pervert! Call
a committee meeting.
HE COUGHS
Oh! You've set
his lungs off now.
Oh, the committee
will hear about this!
Lovely dress, Carol.
Really suits you.
Help me do up the
back, would you?
Well, you really
have caused a stir.
I may be able to help you.
Would you mind picking
Artist Of The Week?
I don't know whether I should.
It would really help curry
favour with the committee.
Argh!
Oh, very mysterious coming
out of the smoke there.
Quite regal.
Ah. Oh, yeah. Mm, colours. Nice.
Oh, so funny. Funny face.
Lovely, really nice.
Oh, my God!
Problem?
Are you Christine?
I am.
I thought so.
How did you know that? Hmm?
Oh, just people have been
talking about your portrait
and I can see why. It's
It's very interesting.
I-I-In what way?
- Hmm?
- SHE CHUCKLES
Because of the
..hands?
Oh. Yes.
I understand that they're
hard to do, aren't they?
Hands, are they
They are.
Christine has been
working very hard.
I think she wants to know
what's unique
about her painting.
Well
Away, man, say it!
HE HESITATES
Mm.
Well, it's got a big old nob.
ALL GASP
- Oh!
- SHE BURBLES
I thought that's
what you meant, no?
What the hell is wrong with you?
What's wrong with ME?
Saying a painting of a dead man
had a big QUIETLY: ..penis.
WHISPERING: She
did give him a big penis!
You saw she gave
him a big penis!
Everyone saw she
gave him a big penis.
Yeah, well, they want you to
attend the committee hearing now.
What?!
Multiple offences.
Multiple.
No.
I've just been here
trying to do my job.
I'm not going to attend some
jumped-up geriatric kangaroo court!
They're connected.
Letters will have gone out to
Hunniford, Rippon, the other one.
There'll be exposes
on TV, the local press.
They've got the town
MP in their pocket!
Oh, God!
HUSHED MURMURING, PHONE VIBRATES
It's my boss.
He says I've got to attend
the committee meeting!
HE GASPS
Snitches!
They won't stop. Ever.
Anyone in that room
could be the murderer.
Will you just leave me alone?
You've got me in enough trouble!
Christine Kenyon
was a viable suspect.
You saw the painting.
They were clearly lovers!
One last kiss.
CONSPIRATORIAL MUSIC PLAYS
Why a last kiss, my love?
I won't share you, Bill.
If I can't have
you, no-one will.
BILL YELLS
Frank - him and Bill had
historical beef going back years.
Mostly cucumber-based,
of course.
Well, you're putting something
on them, man! It's unnatural.
You think I'd illegally feed
cucumbers to win a competition?
Oh, Frank, this is madness.
I'll show you madness.
BILL YELLS
Could you just stop?
Maud is an interesting fish.
Hm! Yeah.
You think Frank is in
charge in that relationship?
Hmm! Think again, my friend.
All I said was, "Coughing
well today, Frank."
You humiliated my man, Bill.
His lungs are bad.
He could use my blue badge.
YOU shouldn't have a blue badge!
BILL YELLS
You do realise I've
stopped listening.
This way, please.
Hat off!
And also, Bill had borrowed
Carol's hedge trimmers.
I think you're sick,
do you know that?
I think you're sick!
OVERLAPPING ARGUMENTS
It was a big knob!
OVERLAPPING ARGUMENTS
And he looks like a fat
The Suite For Jazz Orchestra
No. 2 by Dmitri Shostakovich
The committee's
let you stay, then?
It's ridiculous,
they've put me on a
Red card warning, yeah.
OK. Well, you know,
keep the head down.
You can clean again
after this last dance.
And, please, just don't upset
any more of them. Yeah?
It is a nightmare, this place.
I'm never retiring. Never!
Yeah, I told you.
I tried to tell you.
THUD! STRANGLED SCREAM
Oh, Jesus! Maud's fallen again.
Could be another Health
and Safety Tribunal.
Ha-ha, fuck!
Tail between your legs?
I run the Ballroom Follies, too.
All right. Well, don't worry,
I'm not going near
it till you've finished.
You've booked the space, I know.
No, no, it's not that.
One of our dancers is without their
partner today, they're in hospital.
Wondered if you might
step in for the last waltz.
Absolutely not.
No. I'm cleaning
and I'm leaving.
Look, you mean well.
I saw that in the
sing-along group.
I'm asking for an act of
compassion. HE SIGHS
Some things are bigger than
your problems, young man.
All right, one dance.
Where is she?
She?
HE SIGHS
You've had quite
the day, haven't you?
I'm beginning to think this is some
sort of cheese dream, to be honest.
I thought retirement was
supposed to be peaceful.
This is just a load of
spiteful overgrown children,
petty recriminations,
murder conspiracy theories.
Pauline.
Before she
discovered the centre,
Pauline spent most of her
days at home in front of the telly.
HE SCOFFS
No-one murdered
Bill, for God's sake!
No, but it's nice to
see a fertile imagination
having a run out, isn't it?
Well
I don't think you've quite got the
measure of this place, have you?
You see Frank?
Old bad legs? Yeah.
Used to be a pilot.
Oh. And Christine over there ran
an emergency ward for 30 years.
You get my point?
I'm afraid I haven't got a
clue what you're talking about.
Where does all that energy go?
Where's that sense of purpose?
It's here, in this
wonderful, wonderful place.
Then why does everyone
seem so unhappy?
MUFFLED CHATTER
Oh, look again.
INAUDIBLE
You know, you're
a terrible dancer.
But I wish I'd given you
a whirl around myself.
Best not.
I'm a pervert.
Who says I'm not?
Oh.
BUSY CHATTER
OVERLAPPING COMPLAINTS
HE SIGHS
Argh!
Fair enough.
Rules are rules.
See you now. Bye.
It's ridiculous.
It should be in the budget!
Blu-Tack for mucky fingers will
have to come from your subscription.
Well, I think our fees for the
space should cover more than that,
thank you very much!
Bill, I have a lot on
Does the committee
know about this?
I think the committee
would be very interested
in where that money is going.
You're not suggesting
And people have noticed
you running around
in a rather nice
NEW Citroen Saxo.
How dare you!
SHE GRUNTS, HE YELLS
Oh!
THUD!
Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kitbag And
Smile, Smile, Smile by George Powell & Felix Powell
Pack up your
troubles in your old kitbag
And smile, smile, smile
While you've a
lucifer to light your fag
Smile, boys, that's the style!
What's the use of worrying?
It never was worthwhile
So pack up your
troubles in your old kitbag
And smile, smile, smile. ♪