Wellington Paranormal (2018) s03e03 Episode Script

1
(TENSE MUSIC)
We've been in the Paranormal
Unit for a while now, eh?
- Yeah.
- Reckon we should get our own jackets?
We've got our own jackets.
Yeah, but not like
the normal police ones.
Like in those US police shows,
they have black jackets
with the white lettering
on the back
that, sort of, says the
department that they're from.
We could do that for
the Paranormal Unit.
- What, like 'PU'?
- Yeah.
Like, freeze, don't move!
We're the PU!
You realise that
that spells 'poo'?
- GROWLS: We're the PU!
- Whose voice is that?
- That's my voice.
- Since when?
Well, since this morning.
I said, (GROWLS) 'Morning,
O'Leary. How are you?'
And you were like,
'Good, thanks.'
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
So, we've had some
reports of people seeing
some very strange
things out and about.
As the Paranormal Unit,
it's our job to check it out.
Sir, are you the person
that reported seeing something
- very strange?
- It was a giant rat.
I'm terrified of rats.
How big are we talking -
cat size?
As big as a man!
And walking on its hind legs.
Any distinguishing features?
I'm just wondering
if maybe you've had
- a bit too much to drink.
- I don't drink alcohol.
I mean, you've wet yourself.
I literally think you've
had too much to drink.
WOMAN: Help! Call the police!
Sorry, excuse me, ma'am.
We are the police.
I've just been accosted by
a man with absolutely no face.
It was smooth, like a bum cheek.
It's, like, literally
my- my worst fear.
- Dave?
- Lorraine.
- (MAN SCREAMS)
- There's screaming. Travelling.
- Turned into a busy night.
- Are you OK?
I've just been
attacked by a shark.
Where did this
attack take place?
Over there, by the rock shop.
In the CBD? Were you
attacked by a loan shark?
No, it was a bloody great
shark, with teeth and fins,
just like on Jaws.
I hate that film!
I'm no marine chemist,
but I'm pretty sure
that sharks need water.
The harbour's miles away.
- It was a bloody shark!
- (GROANS)
- Hey, Dave.
- Hey, Paul.
- Lorraine, how are you?
- Are you OK?
I think maybe you're
not actually OK.
We're gonna get you
some help for that leg.
I'll get a napkin. (RETCHES)
('WELLINGTON PARANORMAL'
THEME MUSIC)
Captions by Able.
So, we've traced
all of the victims
back to this horror-themed
amusement parlour.
They all attended
a work event here.
This may lead us to
finding the connection
between the victims.
Mm. I mean, this
kind of is the connection.
They all came here,
and they work together,
so there's two
connections there.
Yeah, very early days yet,
but we're hopeful
a pattern will emerge overtime.
- (CHUCKLES) O'Leary.
- What? A mirror?
Eh?
CREEPILY: Will you marry me?
O'Leary! It's a zombie.
Calling for backup. Full backup.
We need all cars plus a chopper.
We're the PU. Back it up.
- I'm just an actor.
- She's just an actor.
- She's part of this place.
- Yeah, I know.
- Just going along with it.
- Were you?
Yeah.
Cancel backup. No choppers
required. No cars either.
Anything I can help you officers
with? I'm Joe Blakes. I'm the manager.
- Good evening, Mr Blakes.
- Yes, we've had complaints
of people being scared out
on the streets
after coming to this place
earlier this evening.
- Well, scaring's my business.
- People don't complain about
getting a burger from a burger
joint now, do they? (CHUCKLES)
I think that some of your
people have been out there
threatening and potentially
assaulting
members of the public tonight.
Well, they've been
here the whole time.
I've been watching
them like a hawk.
Gary snuck out
for a smoke before.
Doubt it was him, though.
His character is
not very convincing.
Oh, says you, cliche bride.
- Cliche?
- Yes, cliche.
- Gary, what even are you?
- I'm a ghoul. What-?
A skeleton pirate?
What, you've just raided
the props cupboard,
- let's be honest.
- Oh, coming from
A marriage is not scary.
- It can be.
- Now, now, you sheilas.
What kind of atmosphere are
we trying to build in our staff?
Well, no one asked you, Colin.
Right. Let me sort it
out for all of you.
You're all under arrest,
all right, for assault,
public disruption,
shark attacks,
public urination by proxy.
All right?
How do you like that?
Plus, arguing in front of us.
Yeah, OK, arrest was
certainly a little bit hasty,
but we are gonna have
to ask all of you
to come in for questioning. OK?
And until we've got
some more information,
we're gonna have to
shut this place down.
- On what authority?
- PU.
(CHEESY MUSICAL STING)
- And by that he means
- See that?
the police. Wellington
Police. We're not the PU.
Uh, please state your
name for the record.
Cynthia Wells.
I'm 24.
But I'm told I can play
14 through to 40.
Would you like
to see my profile?
- No. No, that's not necessary.
- I'll just do this side. Yep.
Maybe you could just sit down.
Um, look, we've brought
you in here to find out
what you were doing this
evening between 9 and 10pm.
Oh, well, I was at
the Fear Factory,
playing my role as
the undead bride.
I channel Lady Macbeth
for the character.
'Out, damned spot.
'Out, I say!'
She's channelling
some kind of spirit.
So we're gonna need a bit more
info about this Lady Macbeth.
I believe that's Shakespeare,
Sarge.
Yeah, I knew that.
I knew that. (CLEARS THROAT)
Look, I'm telling you - I had
nothing to do with these crimes!
Come on. You gotta believe me.
You have to believe me.
(SOBS)
Mm. Mm.
Chills. Just stunning.
Thank you.
Oh, that scene got me
a standing ovation
at the Young and Hungry one-act
play festival last year.
I actually felt like
a real police officer there
for a moment.
That doesn't happen very often.
That's a powerful
performance indeed.
- Thank you.
- It's scary.
Just in relation to
these real crimes
- Yeah.
- do you actually have
any information
pertaining to those?
N-No, sorry. i-I don't.
Look, we've ascertained
that all of the victims
were connected by way of
patronising your business.
People pay good money to come
to my business to get scared.
They got scared,
so what's the problem?
Well, the problem is that
you should only be carrying out
your business on your own
premises, not out on the street.
Yeah, another problem we have
is the fact that the victims
weren't actually just scared;
they were terrified. OK?
Their hair started
turning white.
One of them was bitten
and had to be hospitalised.
That's right. And one of
the victims wet his pants.
Do you know how horrible it
is to wet your pants?
- I do.
- Look, I'm very hungry.
I'm wondering if I
could have something-
- Hey. You'll get something to
eat, all right - when I say so.
I thought it was
my turn to be bad cop.
- You weren't doing it.
- I was doing it.
- Were you?
- Yeah.
That is his bad cop. He's
actually improved quite a lot.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
Sorry, hello- Are we
finished? Cos I'm starving.
I really need to eat
something right now.
Hey, you're not talking.
What are you afraid of, mate?
I think the better question,
Sgt Ruawai Maaka,
is what are you afraid of?
(SCREAMING, WHIMPERING)
Get it away! (SOBS)
I've always hated spiders -
ever since I was 7.
One landed on me in the shower
on a certain part of my body,
and I was staying
at my mate's place,
and his mum had to come
and rescue me. It was
so embarrassing.
It's nothing to be
ashamed of, Sarge.
No. Admitting your fears
is the first step
to overcoming them.
I googled that.
I mean, the victims said
they all saw something
that they feared the most.
Mm-hm. Interesting.
That's interesting.
My greatest fear
is public speaking.
Then it's probably balloons,
and then sock puppets.
You're afraid of balloons?
Yeah, well, you never know
when they're gonna pop.
I just overheard. Yeah, I'm a
bit scared of balloons as well.
- Mm.
- Yeah. And spiders.
And dogs and cats. I mean, what
are they up to anyway, right?
I'm really scared of the dark
and enclosed spaces
and really open spaces as well.
That's why you'll find that
I spend most of my time
in door frames,
which is ironic, cos I'm
kind of afraid of them too.
Flying. Public restrooms.
Private restrooms.
(EXHALES) Man!
Brussels sprouts.
It's like I'm a giant eating
a cabbage. You know?
Red-headed guys called Steve.
Denim. Oh! Double denim.
Double denim's OK.
But I'm scared of
reaching my own potential,
but I'm also conversely
scared of never reaching
my full potential.
You know what I mean?
I'm scared of cameras.
Um
I'm scared of buttons.
Not too scared.
Like, I'm creeped out by it
but not really scared.
I'm just- I'm just wondering-
Just a thought.
Maybe- Well, certainly for you,
it would've been easier if you
just listed all the things that you're not scared of.
- You know? - Yeah.
I'm not really
afraid of anything.
I'm sure I've seen
you afraid of something.
Hmm, I've been, like,
cautiously concerned.
Hey, Sarge, sounds like
there's a disturbance
in Holding Cell 4.
(DISTANT SHOUTING)
But that's where we're
holding Joe Blakes.
- I might stay here.
- (SHOUTING CONTINUES)
- (SHOUTING)
- Whoa!
Officer, are you
afraid of heights?
- Only the high ones, Sarge.
- OK. Uh, uh
You guys go get
something to help him -
some kind of apparatus that
we can get him out of there.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
OK. OK. OK. Officer Roy, is it?
- WHIMPERS: Yeah.
- OK. You're fine. You're fine.
Whatever you do,
don't look down. OK?
Just stay- Here! Up, up, up,
up, up, up. Just stay with me.
- Stay with me. Yeah, yeah.
- Sarge, you go down.
- What?
- You go down. No, I'll go down.
- I'll go up; you go down.
- Don't push me in.
- OK, go, go, go.
- You're good. You're good.
- Use your shoulder.
- You can do it.
- Reach!
- Good teamwork.
OK, it's on the toilet.
- Climb across!
- I can't!
- Come on.
- 'Course you can.
- You've got this. Look at me.
- No, look at me.
- That's good. That's good.
- No, look at her.
- Look at me.
- Take your time. Look at me.
- Don't look down.
- Remember, look at me!
- Up, up, up, up, up, up.
- Come on. I've got ya.
- You've got him.
- Go, go, go.
- (PANTS)
Great. Great work. Great work.
Hey, you know something that
really helped me is a proverb
found on Google. It is admitting
your fears is the first step in
overcoming them.
It's from Google,
so you know it's
a reputable source.
- I told you that.
- Yeah, he did.
- That was me.
- Hey! He's getting away!
In pursuit!
Did you see a suspect
run past here?
- Centipedes.
- What?
This way. This way.
- It's the tiger bats.
- Tiger bats?
(GRUNTS)
Officer Yee, did you see
a suspect come through here?
- No, but I saw Darth Vader.
- What?
He said he found
my lack of faith disturbing,
- and then he ran out.
- What?!
- WAILS: I'm sorry, Sarge!
- He's gone, I can't see him anywhere.
- Darth freaking Vader.
OK. Take a look at this.
This is a still image of
Joe Blakes from his interview.
Here, he looks like he's in
his 40s, hair going grey.
- Mm-hm.
- OK.
Here, he looks like he's in
his 20s. OK? Side by side.
Yeah, but, I mean, he can make
himself look like anything.
Yes, but only what you fear.
Remember when we
had him in custody
and he kept asking
for something to eat?
I don't think he
was hungry for food.
I think what we're
dealing with here
is possibly superhuman metamorph
who feeds on fear
by turning into what
scares you the most.
And that's not all.
I cross-referenced hospital
files with his customer records,
and it turns out that
several of his patrons
suffered heart failure from
fatal amounts of adrenaline
in their bodies.
Literally scared
to death.
That literally just scared me
to death. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Do you know what
the word 'literally' means?
I actually don't.
I've been peppering it
into my conversations
to make myself
sound more elegant.
Minogue, don't ever
misuse the word 'literally'.
- Not on my watch.
- Easy.
All right. I want you
two to find this thing
before it terrifies
the entire city.
- Oh, except for me.
- (SCOFFS)
Uh, Minogue, it's it's night-time.
Oh, I think he thinks they
make him look a little bit cool.
I don't think they make
me look cool. All right?
- Oh!
- (EXCLAIMS)
Is that you, Parker?
(TENSE MUSIC)
I used to be afraid
of back seats,
especially in station wagons.
You know in the Volvo
where it faces the back?
It's like, 'Oh my God. That
car's coming straight for me!'
You know? I'm still actually
a bit afraid of station wagons.
And SUVs,
especially those mini SUVs. You
know the ones I'm talking about?
It doesn't make any sense.
It's like a tall dwarf.
It's so weird. It freaks me out.
You know?
Now, Snow White and
the Seven Dwarfs -
now, that is a scary movie.
Like, why-? That evil queen,
like, why is she so mean?
You know? I mean, I get it;
she's not the fairest
of them all,
but she's still pretty fair
if you ask me.
Parker, are you terrified
of silence too?
I am, actually.
I mean, when I was little,
when there was silence round
the dinner table, you knew-
- RT: Car 4, this is Comms.
We have a report of a woman
being attacked in Glover Park
by a giant snake
with a human face.
- Over.
- Copy, Comms. On our way.
Giant snake.
I think it's
the shapeshifter, Minogue.
Oh, the shapeshifter, yeah.
(SIREN WAILS)
- WOMAN: Help!
- That's the woman
- from earlier tonight!
- Affirmative!
Ma'am, are you OK?
What's happened?
I saw this- this giant snake,
and it had the head of You
know that rapper Post Malone?
- Yep. Congratulations.
- Now's not the time, Minogue.
Well, he had an
autotune voice. Autotune.
It was going like
'Eeeeee!'
I can't do it,
but it was really freaky.
That's incredibly bad luck.
You know, twice in one night.
- Yeah.
- Did-?
There's no need to be alarmed.
OK? That wasn't a giant snake.
It was actually a shapeshifter.
- What?
- It feeds on human fear,
- if you can believe that.
- Oh! OK.
Had my hands over my eyes.
- Sir, are you OK?
- No.
You look like you're
freaking out too, mate.
- Have you seen something?
- Mm.
- Yeah, what was it?
- It was an iceberg.
- You saw an iceberg?
- Yeah, and it was melting.
And there was two polar bears
on it, a mother and a cub.
And- And the cub looked up at
the mother like, 'Our home.'
ls one of your biggest
fears climate change?
- Mm.
- That's a fear for all of us.
- I'm freaking out about it.
- It's a big issue.
Um Which way did
this floating iceberg go?
Well, it kind of drifted
sedately, eroding down Cuba St.
Cuba St.
That's the Fear Factory.
OK.
Go.
- They didn't help us.
- Mm.
- Doors open by themselves.
- Oh, it's automatic doors.
JOE BLAKES' VOICE: Welcome,
officers. Won't you come in?
Come in and face your fears.
Um, guys, there's, um,
some underage drinkers
just over there. I might just
I might just stay here
to make sure that they
don't cause a ruckus.
Will you guys be OK without me?
Probably not.
Yeah. There's nothing in
there that can scare me.
(SCOFFS)
Well, this could be it. This
could be the shapeshifter here.
Isn't it better if
we stick together?
We're gonna keep in radio
contact the whole time. OK?
- (RADIO CLICKS)
- Copy that.
We don't need to be on the radios
yet, cos we can still see each other
and hear each other.
I'm practising, cos often
we run out of battery.
This is why
we run out of battery.
- In.
- In.
(LOW, SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
It's the PU.
We know you're in here.
(CHEESY MUSICAL STING)
JOE BLAKES' VOICE: Scared
of something, Officer Minogue?
This way.
O'Leary, I think the splitting
up thing was a bad idea.
Look, just keep walking
through and looking for the guy.
I just heard him,
so he must be in here.
Is it filthy where you are?
There's certainly a lot
of detritus on the ground,
sort of autumnal-type detritus.
Just leaves where I am.
O'Leary, what can you see now?
Just some, uh, really
cheap plastic skulls.
Not his best work.
Certainly not scary.
Can see a cupboard or doorway.
I'm going to enter it.
Eugh! Ugh!
Closing! Closing!
Mind fingers. Mind fingers.
Have you found someone?
Not someone, but I've found
about six people's arms.
Uh, I've found a doorway,
Minogue.
Has it got 'exit' over it?
Uh, that's a negative.
That Wall's moving.
JOE BLAKES' VOICE: Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome to the stage,
Officer Minogue.
Public speaking.
To sock puppets.
(FEEDBACK WHINES)
Is everybody having
a good night tonight?
- We were.
- (LAUGHTER)
They hate me.
(EXCLAIMS) Move, move, move!
(BALLOONS POP)
Let's go this way.
Oh, no, no, no.
Maybe this way.
(GRUNTS, PANTS)
O'Leary.
- That's strange.
- I'm back here again.
(WHEELS SCRAPE, CHORTLING)
(LOW, SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
It's locked.
I mean, nothing in here's
scared me tonight.
(DRAMATIC NOTE)
It's a, um a photograph
of me when I was younger.
So, this, uh, looks like
a very weird, unsanitary version
of my mum's kitchen.
Hello, my little
sugar bum fairy.
Mum. You can't be here.
Says who? I can be
anywhere I like, darling.
- No, you can't.
- Am I embarrassing you, dear?
Not as embarrassing as that day
when you forgot to wear your bra
at the athletics day.
OK, I chose not to wear
a bra that day
in solidarity with
my flat-chested friend.
Mr Driscoll, your shotput coach,
he didn't know where to look.
OK, look, Mum, why are
you in that cupboard?
I mean, you actually are
embarrassing me a bit now.
- That's nothing.
- What about that time
when we were at church? I think
you were about 12 years old.
And you sneezed and a little
shart came out, didn't it, dear?
- Mum, that's- I do not re-
- The smell! Gagging.
- (LAUGHTER)
- (EXCLAIMS)
I think that's the guy
that was heckling me before.
Let's just get outta here.
When you're older, an old lady,
sometimes you'll get
a little bit of hair,
but not at your age.
OK, Mum, maybe
just stop it. OK?
I'll stop it. I'll stop it
when you stop this
police nonsense.
- MINOGUE: O'Leary!
- We just wanted a nice,
girly job for you. Perhaps
a receptionist or a typist.
- MINOGUE: O'Leary!
- I had high hopes for you
as a beautician. Your father
and I are very disappointed.
O'Leary! O'Leary!
That's not your mum.
Your real mum
thinks you're awesome.
She's always telling me
how proud she is of you.
Really?
I just made it up to make
you feel better, but
pretty much the vibe I get from
your mum when I talk to her.
- Thanks. Thanks, Minogue.
- Are you gonna stop this
police nonsense now?
- You're not my real mum.
- Whoo!
You're not my real mum!
You're not my real mum.
(SHAPESHIFTER CACKLES)
MINOGUE: Go, go! Go go!
(EXCLAIMS) More balloons.
- Which way did he go?
- That way. Going that way.
O'Leary, I don't think
we should be splitting up.
Oh! Requesting assistance,
O'Leary.
Being attacked by a sock puppet.
Why are you afraid
of sock puppets?
Well, what are they?
Are they-?
Are they feet?
Are they hands? Are they faces?
- Help me, O'Leary!
- Yeah, assisting.
Creepy. That one's licking me.
Excuse me. Get your
tongue off my partner.
SHAPESHIFTER: I wouldn't
do it that way, darling.
- Ugh!
- What?
A sock-puppet version of my mum?
Trying to get us both, O'Leary.
From the back, dear,
your hair's very short.
I wish you'd grow it
a little bit longer.
Look, it's just a sensible
haircut. OK? I do look lovely.
State of your fingernails,
girl. They're so short.
They're stronger than
they look, O'Leary.
Why don't you play netball
in the weekends, dear?
They wear nice skirts.
This one's tickling
my inner thigh. Eugh!
Parker, what's going on?
Minogue and O'Leary
are there- in there,
pursuing the 'shipeshafter',
and I'm out here doing
an equally important job
guarding the door
in case the shi- shar
- 'sharpshafter' comes out.
- Good.
O'LEARY ON RADIO: Calling for
backup! Calling for backup!
- Officers under attack. Over.
- Copy that, O'Leary.
Right. I'm going in.
- I'll do it.
- (BOTTLE THUDS)
Hey, hey, hey! Stand down.
It's far too dangerous
in there for you, Parker.
You stand down right now.
I've gotta face my fears
sometime. If not now, then when?
OK.
SHOUTS: Noooo!
MAAKA: That's bravery
right there. See that?
You see that?
That's New Zealand Police.
Behind my knee, it's
playing around with my groin.
- Which one? Which knee?
- This one. This one.
Well, it's good to see you
touching a man finally.
- You're on your own, Minogue.
- Ugh!
(PARKER SHOUTS)
Guys, did you call for backup?
Get these socks off me, Parker!
Your personal ones or
the ones harassing you?
- This one!
- OK.
Get off him! Leave him be!
Oh. Great. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
JOE: Mmm.
You look delicious.
Thanks.
Now
what are you scared of?
Where do I begin? Um
(BARKS, PANTS)
(MIAOWS)
(PLANE ENGINE ROARS)
(TOILET FLUSHES)
(CAR HORN BEEPS)
(ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF)
JOE: Too many fears.
Can't control.
Aah!
(OBJECTS PATTER ON FLOOR)
Parker, your proliferation of
illogical fears has overwhelmed
the shapeshifter.
And now look at him -
- just buttons.
- Thanks, Sarge.
- Good work, Parker.
- Oh, I'm scared of hands.
So, sometimes in order
to beat your fears,
you've gotta face your fears.
We've contained the fear beast,
and he'll be placed
under arrest in this jar.
But I guess at the end of the
day, I mean, Officer Parker
did a really great job.
Yeah, I'm just glad
that my crippling fear
of almost everything helped us
apprehend the 'shipshafter'.
Yeah, and I guess
the real lesson here was
there's nothing to fear
but fear itself.
- And sock puppets.
- Spiders.
- Hands.
- Balloons.
- Open-mouth chewing.
- Public speaking.
- Brussels sprouts.
- Ghosts.
And, obviously, you know,
the biggest fear for everyone -
- being embarrassed by your mum.
- Yeah.
- By your mum.
- Yeah, my mum.
Hey, when you guys
see that tape there,
do you ever think it reads
'Crime scene, do not enter,
police, '
as in, do not enter, us.
- Do you ever see that?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Actually, yeah, every time.
- Exactly.
- You get there,
and you're like, 'Oh. Can
we go in or can't we go in?'
- That's right, Sarge.
You'll often tell us to go to
a crime scene, and we get
there and that tape's there.
We just get in the car and
go home, don't we, O'Leary?
- MAAKA: Semantics of it.
- MINOGUE: Mm.
- PARKER: Yeah.
- O'LEARY: Who designed it?
MAAKA: Buggered if I know.