Clarkson's Farm (2021) s03e04 Episode Script

1
[theme music playing]
[birds chirping]
[pigs grunting]
[Jeremy] Sansa! Heel, heel, heel.
Dogs! No, dogs, come here.
- [dog barking]
- Bollocks.
[Lisa] Piggly squats.
[Jeremy] Hello, piggies.
How are you all?
Piggies!
[Lisa] These are the girls,
they're very playful.
[pigs squeaking]
These are all the pregnant mothers.
[Jeremy] It was now early March,
and the explosion
of newborn Piggly Squat piglets
was due to hit the farm at any moment.
[Lisa] Are you going to give birth?
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Also, as it was March,
Kaleb was busy with the spring crops
and I'd come up with an idea
which I thought might help him along.
[Jeremy] We're running out of space.
- What's in here?
- [Kaleb] Fertiliser.
[Lisa] What? What the fuck?
[Jeremy] I bought a hovercraft.
[Lisa stutters] Talk to me!
[Jeremy] Well, as you know,
I love hovercrafts.
My plan is He doesn't know this yet.
I know you're stunned.
- A little bit.
- It's for you.
[Jeremy] And, as odd as that sounded,
I wasn't actually talking nonsense.
[retro jingle]
[newscaster] Hovercraft are making a bid
to be the farmer's best friend.
There's no more of that dead weight
on the axles
and the truck moves with ease
over the muddiest surface.
That means the farmer
can get his work done when he wants,
whereas with an ordinary tractor,
it would be impossible.
Now there's a hopeless position for you.
Well and truly stuck.
Temper, temper!
You can always get one of
those hover trucks with a bit of skirt.
[beep]
[truck beeping]
[Jeremy] My plan was simple:
if we used a hovercraft
to spray the crops with fertiliser
Perfect.
[Jeremy] Then we could do away with
the tramlines that normal sprayers need,
so we could plant crops
where those tramlines normally go.
I did the calculation last night.
Do you know how many miles
of tramline there are on this farm?
- How many miles?
- 54.
- What?
- 54 miles of tramline.
And they're about that wide.
So that adds up to
Well, I did the cost of lost crop.
It's £5,200 a year.
- Wow.
- [Jeremy] Now, with this, no tramlines.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Obviously,
I then had to explain to Kaleb
that operating a hovercraft
is a bit more tricky
than driving a tractor.
[Jeremy] So you've got two engines.
Yeah.
This is your lift engine,
that fills the skirt with air.
Then, once you've got the lift,
you start your right-hand engine.
This is your throttle.
Okay. It's not the brake?
No. You have no brakes.
[Jeremy] Right?
You see, these are your handlebars.
- You see they turn the flaps on the back.
- [Kaleb] Okay, yeah. Yeah.
They make no difference.
- [Kaleb] Okay.
- Absolutely no difference.
If you see an obstacle, and you do that,
you're going to hit it.
You have to lean.
So basically, you're either like this
You sort of lean,
get right over like that.
- [Kaleb] And that steers it?
- And that will make it go right.
And then, get over like that, and that
Get as much weight as you can,
as far over.
- [Kaleb] And that'll steer it.
- And that'll steer it along with
- [Kaleb] That.
- The handlebars.
But effectively,
you've no braking and no steering.
Okay.
Can I have a go before I start spraying?
Yes, I think that's a very good idea.
[engine roaring]
[Jeremy] This feels so good,
telling you what to do.
[Jeremy] Oh, now it's going.
[Jeremy] Wow!
Lean!
[Kaleb] Hang on I'm leaning!
[screaming]
[screaming]
Oh, my God!
[Jeremy] Come on, man, you're supposed
to going in a straight line.
This is useless!
[Jeremy] That's as straight
as a roundabout!
[Kaleb] All right, turn!
[Jeremy] Lean!
- Lean!
- [Kaleb groans]
Lean and power!
My young apprentice is doing well.
[Kaleb] I've got it.
[groaning]
[grunting]
[Jeremy] Fallen out. He's fallen out.
[Kaleb] Ah!
Not good.
Come on, you clown.
I need to learn this shit,
I'm going spraying.
[Kaleb] Turn, turn, turn, turn,
turn, turn, turn, turn.
You see,
it's just gliding over the weeds.
[Kaleb] Turn, turn, turn. No Turn.
We get the spray fitted,
fertiliser applied.
[Kaleb] Turn, turn, turn.
[Kaleb grunts]
[Jeremy] All we need to do
is teach him how to stop.
[Jeremy] With the driving lesson
successfully concluded,
it was time to test the hovercraft
as a crop sprayer.
Tell you what, you look like a shit gimp.
[Kaleb laughs]
- [Jeremy] This is liquid
- [Kaleb] Fertiliser.
[Jeremy] Liquid nitrate.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] It's phenomenally corrosive.
[Jeremy] Once Kaleb had finished filling
my bespoke fertiliser tanks,
we were ready for the off.
[Kaleb] You ready?
Yup.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] Go ahead, my young apprentice.
[upbeat music]
[Kaleb] Yee-haw!
[Kaleb laughs]
[Jeremy] Oh, it's spraying,
it's spraying.
[music continues]
[Kaleb] I'm getting good at this!
Woohoo!
[Jeremy] Hey, this isn't bad.
Now just go a little bit
to the left of that.
[Kaleb] Yeah. On my way.
[Jeremy] But then,
after exactly 75 seconds
Kaleb, is there any spray coming out?
[Kaleb] No.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
[Jeremy] Is that it?
[Kaleb] Oh, I'm empty.
- [Jeremy] And how big's this field?
- 20 acres.
[Jeremy] How many times are you going
to have to refill with fertiliser?
[Kaleb] Er 25 times.
You're joking.
[Kaleb] It's going to take me
about 8 hours to spray this field.
That means I've got to spend 8 hours
in this gimp suit.
I think we stick to the sprayer, please.
Can you please undress me?
[Kaleb laughs]
Cut.
[Jeremy] Clearly, I needed bigger
fertiliser tanks on the hovercraft,
which meant it would need
more powerful engines
to deal with the extra weight.
That was a big job.
And there was no time to do it
because the next day
winter came back.
[wind howling]
[soft music]
[pig grunting]
[Jeremy] And then the next night,
our feed from the cameras in the pigloos
suggested one of the Mums
was about to give birth.
[pig grunting softly]
[pig grunting softly]
[soft grunts continue]
[pig groaning]
[Lisa] Let's see how she's getting on.
- [piglet squeaking]
- [Lisa gasps]
[Jeremy] Look, there's an actual piglet.
That's her first baby ever.
Oh, I think we've got a problem here.
[Jeremy] Concerned that the piglet
was not finding a teat to drink from,
Lisa went in to help.
[Lisa] Oh my gosh, there's a teat, there.
Oh, she's on the teat.
Good little one.
It's March 10th,
it shouldn't be this cold.
The climate is changing.
Somebody needs to mention that
because it's really bad.
[pig sighing]
[Jeremy] This is the best bit of farming
I've had so far.
How many will we get?
How many teats has this one got, 16?
- [Lisa] Yeah, yeah, that's 16.
- So she could have 16 piglets.
[Jeremy] This joy, however,
soon turned into concern
because over an hour went by
and no more piglets appeared.
[Jeremy] Come on. Come on Mum.
One's not enough.
[Lisa] Come on, you can do it. Come on.
[Jeremy] I was told they were born
like machine gun bullets.
You know they go duh-duh-duh
[pig groaning]
[Jeremy] Come on Mum.
She's properly wobbling.
I would say that is a pig in distress.
[phone dialling out]
- The vet's not answering.
- Welcome to the EE voicemail
And neither is Kaleb.
Shite!
[phone dialling]
[Jeremy] Eventually though,
one of the vets answered.
[Jenny] Hello?
Hi, there. It's Jeremy Clarkson
here at Diddly Squat Farm.
Hum
[Jenny] Hey, what's going on?
Well, we've got a gilt
who's given birth to one piglet
an hour and 20 minutes ago
and seems to be in some distress.
And nothing else has come since.
Is that normal, an hour and 20 minutes
between births, or should we be worried?
- [Jenny] An hour and 20, did you say?
- Yeah.
[Jenny] It's usually
much faster than that.
Is she actively pushing or does she just
look like she's moving around?
Does she look uncomfortable?
She looks, I would say, uncomfortable,
but Lisa keeps telling me
that's how people look
Well How creatures look
when they're giving birth.
I mean, she's vibrating
and snorting and
I'd say it looked like she's in distress
but I'm a man, I have no idea
what I'm talking about so
[Jenny laughing]
Lisa's gone back to the farm
to see if she can find a rubber glove
and is very happy to pop in there
and have a look A feel.
[Jenny] Yeah, that might be the first
the best thing to do,
because it's easier for you to have
a feel and see if you can feel anything.
So yeah, have you got any lube up there
as well?
Lisa will have some lube.
Don't put that on television.
[Jenny] That's fine
if you go to feel in there
and see if she can feel a piglet,
if she can feel front legs or back legs
and they feel like they're coming
in the normal position.
[Jeremy] She can give them
a bit of a tug?
Okay. Thanks, Jenny. Take care, bye. Bye.
I have those, but I also have
Oh, perfect.
I don't know if I'll be able
to feel much. I think I prefer those.
Okay. Well, let's get in there quickly
because it's nearly two hours now.
[Jeremy] According to Jenny,
you put your hand in
and if you can feel legs or head,
you've got to try and tease it out.
If it's sideways,
we've got to give her a call.
[Lisa] Good girl, good girl, good girl.
[Lisa grunting]
Oh, I'm so sorry.
[Jeremy] She's stopped.
She's really stopped.
[Lisa] Okay, I'm in. I'm in, I'm in.
- [Jeremy] And?
- I'm in.
- Oh, my God, that's so far up.
- [Jeremy] Can you feel a piglet?
[Lisa] I'm not No.
I really can't feel anything.
They're so far in.
- [Jeremy] I'm going to ring Jenny again.
- Please, ring Jenny. I
[Jeremy] Okay, no, no. Well done.
[Jenny] We can either give her
an injection of oxytocin
which sometimes helps
or in the meantime we can get her up
and walk her around.
What? Get her out and walk her?
[Jenny] If you try and get her
and move her around a little bit
- sometimes it stimulates everything.
- Okay.
[Lisa] Oh, nice.
[Jeremy groans] It's so cold.
[Lisa sighs]
[Lisa groans]
[Jeremy] Come on, pig.
She's not going to in a million years.
She's in labour.
[Lisa] Did the vet say:
"Just walk her around"?
When you were in labour,
if someone had come in with a Maccy D,
you wouldn't have said:
"Oh, I'll follow that." You wouldn't.
- [Lisa] No, although she's a pig.
- Oh, she's coming!
I can't believe it!
- [Lisa laughs]
- [Jeremy] She's actually in labour
and she's come out for a Maccy D.
[Jeremy] Hum
[Lisa] I'm bonding.
I'm bonding with my piglet.
- [pig squeaking]
- [Jeremy] No, don't let her in.
- [Lisa laughs]
- [Jeremy] No! She's treading on me.
No! Fucking hell, what's going on?
I can't find The pig has beaten me.
Jesus.
I've been in a wrestling match
with a pig.
- [Lisa] In you go.
- [Jeremy] Lisa?
We've got to get her out for a walk.
That's what the vet said.
[pig grunting]
- Lisa.
- [Lisa] She's having huge contractions.
She's been for a walk and she's having
She hasn't been for a walk!
[Jeremy stutters]
If I did that,
you wouldn't call that a walk.
[Lisa] It's coming. It's coming,
it's coming. We have a piglet. Yes!
[Jeremy] It's steaming, it's steaming!
She's steaming, there's steam.
[Lisa] It's a big piglet.
[Jeremy] There you go, come here.
Come here slithery girl.
That's two.
[Lisa] There's a fart.
That's another piglet coming.
- [Jeremy] Is it?
- [Lisa] Yup.
[Jeremy] Pig coming. Pig coming.
Yes, look. Pig three.
Lisa, he's attached she's attached
to her mother. What do I do?
[Lisa] What, what, what?
- She's attached with a stringy thing.
- [Lisa] No, that's fine,
it's the umbilical cord. It's part of it.
It's part of the process.
[squeaking]
- [Jeremy] Go on, lick it.
- [Lisa] Oh, my God, it's so cute.
[Jeremy] Three pigs!
Good mother.
[Jeremy] Over the next couple of hours,
seven more were born.
[piglets squeaking and pig grunting]
And after a quick nap,
we came back
to see how everything was going.
[Jeremy] Morning, piggies.
Well done, Mum.
Ten piggies.
- [Lisa] Jeremy?
- What?
[Lisa] There's one here not moving.
Have a look. Can you go in?
[Jeremy] Oh no.
[Lisa] Are they okay?
Darling, are they okay?
[Lisa gasps]
Oh no, it's a big healthy one too.
Did you get
Did you get laid on?
[Jeremy] Oh no.
- [Lisa gasps]
- [Jeremy] Lisa?
- [squeaking]
- Whoa! She's just sat on another one.
[Lisa] Oh, look
[Jeremy] She's obviously squashing them.
[Lisa] They're perfect.
You're a big lovely one.
And you're a sweet little sow.
[Jeremy] So we've got
two, three, four, five.
Wait a minute, seven.
She's lying on one.
There's only seven.
Shit! Shit, shit, shit.
- Where's the other one gone?
- [Lisa] Behind you.
[Jeremy] I think
she's lying on one of them again.
- [Lisa] Okay, yeah.
- [Jeremy] Yes, there is one behind her.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
She's squashed it again.
- You are a shit mother.
- [Lisa] No, she's not.
[Jeremy] She is.
She was lying on one of them.
That's how 2 of them have obviously died.
- [Lisa] But she's shattered.
- Look, there it is.
Three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Right, they're all
That's better, now.
You mustn't sit on your children.
You do realise we've got this
every night now for a week.
We kind of messed up, didn't we?
- We did.
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] Sure enough, that night
[pig grunting]
Another sow started giving birth.
But this time to a litter of only three.
[Jeremy] How are you doing, Mum?
[pig grunting]
So now
The first one gave birth to ten,
sat on two of them,
so we're down to eight.
Nine, ten, eleven.
And one has been born down here,
this morning.
That's 12.
She is so enormous.
Oh, look at you! Yes.
So we've got Clumsy Pig, that sat
on two of her piglets and killed them.
Swiz Pig,
that promised to deliver
10 or 12 or 16 piglets
and delivered only three.
And now we've got Unit Pig!
There was How did that happen?
I was literally talking to the camera man
for two seconds,
I've looked back in there
and there's another one come out.
This is a good pig, she's birthing well.
[Jeremy] Lisa arrived just in time
to see Unit pop number three out.
[Jeremy] There's another one!
[upbeat music]
[Lisa] Oh!
Come on out. Come on, come on.
[Jeremy] By the end of the morning,
Unit had produced ten piglets.
And because she was an experienced Mum
who'd had litters before,
she seemed to know what she was doing.
[Jeremy] Well done, Mum!
[Jeremy] However,
when we checked in later on
[Lisa] We've got one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine.
[both] Oh
[Lisa] Fuck it.
Oh no.
Oh
I can't bear it. Another one.
- [Jeremy] She's obviously squidged it.
- [Lisa] Yeah
[Jeremy] We then went to check
on the other Mums.
- [Jeremy] And then this is eight left.
- [Lisa] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Because two died.
There's only seven.
She can't have killed another one.
[Lisa gasps] Oh no
[Lisa whimpers]
Oh, for fuck's sake!
[sighs]
[Lisa] Oh my God, that's so upsetting.
[Jeremy] Bottom line,
we'd now lost four piglets
as well as three of the five surprises
that had come along
just over two months earlier.
[Jeremy] Oh, they're adorable.
[Jeremy laughs]
- Seven piglets have died.
- [Lisa] Out of?
Twenty-eight.
A quarter of them have died.
What are we doing wrong?
[tense music]
[Jeremy] Worried that we were indeed
making some terrible mistake
- [Lisa] Hi.
- [Jeremy] How are you?
Vanessa.
[Jeremy] We consulted our neighbours,
Vanessa and Andy,
who'd been pig farmers for years.
[Jeremy] Seven piglets,
25% of the piglets have been squashed,
- which is a lot, isn't it?
- [Andy] Yes, it is.
But I mean, how
[Jeremy] Mothers sitting on them.
Okay. I mean, it's not uncommon.
[Vanessa] They are classically
terrible mothers.
Some are worse than others.
This breed is classically terrible?
[Vanessa and Andy] Yes.
[Andy] Well, and pigs in general just
One thing about the arcs is that
if they're in a big house altogether
with other sows,
the other sows do sort of tell
the one who's sat on her piglets.
They will make some fuss. They notice it.
If you've got a bad mother,
the others will tell them it.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Having processed
this information,
we then spoke with Kaleb.
The biggest problem is,
the piglets are cold.
Now, when the Mum lays down
The Mum stands up to go and eat,
the piglets are going: "Fuck, it's cold."
It's cold, so they find each other.
And then the pig comes back in,
the sow comes back in,
then they find the warmth automatically.
So when the pig starts to lay down,
- it's trying to get near the warmth ASAP.
- [Jeremy] Of the pig.
[Kaleb] Do you see what I mean?
- It was bloody cold last night.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
And this is why
you're losing so many piglets.
It's not because you're a bad pig farmer,
you're really good.
And I'm being nice.
You are good. You are good.
[pig grunting]
[Jeremy] So now we knew
why the piglets were dying,
but we couldn't work out
what to do about it.
[Lisa whimpers]
And that night, we lost another.
And we had a new problem,
because the remaining pregnant sow
was showing absolutely no sign
of giving birth.
Her milk hasn't even come down.
How can she be so far behind?
[Jeremy] She could be barren.
Shall we call her Barren?
Baroness.
[Jeremy] Well, this is
your favourite one, this is.
[Lisa] Yes, this is my friend.
She's so gentle.
[Jeremy] She's very lovely.
[Jeremy] She was also eating very little,
so we called out Jenny the vet.
- [Jenny] So this is our poorly pig.
- [Lisa] She's very sweet.
I hear she's not eating very well,
so that can't be good for anybody.
It means we should hopefully be close.
Doubtless, Lisa will now arrange for it
to be taken away in a luxury ambulance
and put into a kind of pig nursing home
with streaming television to watch.
[Lisa] She's had
that food in front of her now
for 12 hours or more. 18 hours?
And she kind of sits there,
and she doesn't even move.
She kind of puts her tongue out,
almost, and takes a bit.
She snuffles up a bit,
she doesn't eat like a pig.
[Jenny] Yeah, which makes me think
that something's not right.
- She does look really not very happy
- [Lisa] Yeah.
in the way she's moving.
She's got a rasp in her breathing
when you're listening to her lungs,
so I'm wondering whether she's got
a touch of infection going on there.
So what I probably will be inclined to do
is give her an anti-inflammatory,
give her an antibiotic,
see how she goes.
Sorry, darling,
you're not going to like this very much.
Good girl.
[pig squeaking]
Okay, she's done.
[Jeremy] Well done.
[Lisa] She's pregnant, right?
[Jenny] She definitely looks
really heavy down low,
which suggests
that she might be pregnant.
So that's good. Good girl!
- Thanks, Jenny.
- Let us know if she's not getting better.
Yeah, will do.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] While we were waiting anxiously
for Baroness to go into labour,
bigger events were unfolding around us.
[tense music]
Down at West Oxfordshire
District Council,
a government inspector had arrived
to adjudicate on our appeal
against the enforcement notice.
We'd been advised not to attend,
so instead, we went into overdrive
to make sure everything in the farm shop
was super local,
council compliant
and completely above board.
This Ned, who works for us,
he's just turned sixteen,
these are his biscuits,
he makes them on his own kitchen.
Granola, that's a girl down the road.
Flour comes from that field over there.
These are all made up in our kitchen.
This, a neighbour down the road makes.
This This is Mrs. Viktor.
Viktor does our honey,
And Mrs. Viktor makes her soap
using our honey.
This is using
Our delicious jerky
using our chillies again.
We're growing more chillies this year.
These are made in Chipping Norton
from a local baker.
This This is made using our wheat.
Err Over here this is our gin.
That's made in Burford.
The pottery is made from a local lady.
So this is our past chilli
The programme's only 40 minutes long
and you've been 28 minutes
Shush then.
[Jeremy] Of equal importance
was the future of the burger van
because with no restaurant,
this had become the only way
of selling our beef and pork at a profit.
[Annie] I need a burger and a truffle
and parmesan for this, chef.
Thank you.
[Jeremy] Annie, who runs the van,
had been to the council hearing that day
to plead the case
for her business to stay open.
Vomit, what's it like?
It's a big room, and then there are,
at the back of the room,
sort of, twelve rows
of eight across seats
with an aisle down the middle.
Then you've got the council on one side
with their legal representation,
and then the guy presiding
over the top of all looking down at you.
- Has he got a beard?
- No.
Oh, that's good.
You go in.
I was late because of a severe lack
of parking, the irony.
[Jeremy laughs]
So I went in
and found a seat next to Emma,
who does the milk,
so I thought at least I've got an ally.
And then he said would anyone
from the floor like to comment?
I stood up and I said:
"My name is Annabel Gray,
I grew up in a farming community.
I lived in the countryside
most of my life.
Now I run the catering trailer
behind Diddly Squat."
At which point there was
a gasp around the room.
360s.
I was like: "Oh, gosh. Here we go."
And I said:
"I'm really passionate about this.
You have got something
which could be a massive asset.
Yes, it's not perfect, you know.
I hide no secrets.
There are stuff we need to deal with,
but no one knows what
you're next going to get upset about.
So give us the infrastructure
to make it something brilliant."
[Lisa] Exactly. They said we could have
one lavatory, that was sufficient.
And they said that
nine car parking spaces were sufficient.
The council guy that I've just witnessed
is saying based on ten spaces,
everyone get in, get out the car,
you've got five minutes to run round.
If you wanna grab something,
you've got to be back in your car
in five minutes and out.
- In and out in five minutes?
- In five minutes. Yeah.
So if somebody disabled turns up,
I don't know how quickly he can get out.
Let's time him next time.
"You've got five minutes."
But did you get a sense
of how it's going down there?
[Annie sighs]
Are they still trying to claim
it isn't a farm shop?
Yeah, they're saying
that people come and buy things
but actually, it's an entertainment
and leisure facility.
This is what pisses me off though
because I look at that
Every single thing.
[Jeremy] I know where that bread
came from, the wheat, the beer.
And I look out there
and see your operation.
And that's where all the meat goes
that's cooked in bread
- that's also made with wheat from here.
- In the farms.
And you think
it couldn't be more of a farm.
Admittedly, when it first started,
we were taking the piss slightly,
but now
But I did love when the council said
people are driving past
other farm shops which are better.
And you just think,
our cows are grass-fed.
[Annie] Yeah.
Nurtured through the winter,
the highest possible quality
and the council
And it's not really their business.
They're saying: "Go to another farm shop,
they have better quality produce."
And if they close you down,
we have no way
If you get closed, we're fucked.
Anyway, thank you ever so much.
[overlapping conversations]
Chadlington football shirt.
"My shirt is better than your shirt."
I like that.
Oh, Lisa! These are my scales
from the kitchen.
- Lisa!
- [Lisa] What?
These are my scales from the kitchen.
- [Lisa] No, no, no.
- Yes, they are!
- [Lisa] No, no, no.
- Yes, they are. I couldn't find them.
You've nicked my scales.
I might have needed to borrow them
for a little bit for the veg.
Why don't you buy the shop a pair?
Because it's up here now.
[sighs] I couldn't find those anywhere.
- You don't need to weigh a chicken.
- You do!
You go "That's about 3 pounds," put it
in the oven and see when it's cooked.
Yes, which is why I always have
salmonella when you've cooked.
- Well, why don't you cook?
- I do fucking cook!
- Well then, you won't get salmonella.
- That's why
I can't weigh anything.
I never know how much anything weighs.
I wondered where they'd gone.
They're very good by the way.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Having followed
proceedings closely,
Charlie reckoned it would be weeks
before the inspector made a decision.
So all we could do
was get back to farming.
Except we couldn't.
[thunder]
In mid-March, it started to rain,
and it didn't stop for days.
This hit Kaleb especially hard
because it was too wet
to plant his most valuable crop.
The durum wheat is our big money crop,
and it could pull a lot of money,
especially for my board this year,
it might potentially be
profit and loss, so
We've grown it for the last two years
and we've seen how good it can be,
but annoyingly you need to get it in
in perfect timing
because if you don't,
it suffers through the summer
and then the yields are normally down.
Hum I wanted to Yeah.
[rain pouring]
It's never going to stop raining,
I don't think.
[Jeremy] The endless wetness meant
we couldn't work on the dam either.
[Jeremy] Not a chance.
[Kaleb] It's a lot of water, isn't it?
[Jeremy] It's basically washed
the clay away, look.
Well, we've got to wait for the water
to go down. We cannot
Yeah.
I agree.
I wanna go farming.
- [Jeremy] You can't, it's raining.
- I know.
[thunder]
["Golden Brown" by The Stranglers]
[Jeremy] There was though
some good news from the pig wood,
because thankfully
there had been no more piglet deaths.
[soft squeaking]
[music continues]
Baroness, though,
still hadn't gone into labour.
[grunting]
And despite a week of antibiotics,
she was clearly no better.
Slept outside last night
because she's so hot.
[Lisa] She's not eating at all.
I don't know what we're doing wrong.
Something, right?
I mean
This is [groans]
It's heart-breaking.
[Jeremy] Oh, Jenny's here, look.
Still unwell?
[Jeremy] Yeah.
- She slept outside last night.
- [Jenny] Yeah.
So her temperature went down
probably because she slept outside.
- [Jenny] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] But her breathing is laboured.
[Jenny] Yeah, I'll take
the second temperature.
But it could be
that if she's got pregnant
and then had the piglets die inside,
they might not be triggering her
to give birth,
but they might be sitting there,
- rotting inside her.
- What do you do in that situation?
Possibly try and induce her
so she'll kick them out.
[Jeremy] Without more ado,
we began the inducement procedure.
If the piglets are dead,
then we'll just concentrate
on getting her well again,
- and then
- Yeah. Yeah.
[Jenny] Behind the ear. Inject.
- [Lisa] Is that it?
- [Jenny] Yeah.
So three o'clock tomorrow,
with the second injection,
which you'll do.
[Lisa] Yeah, I can do that.
It only should be a small amount,
not like that big antibiotic injection.
No, exactly.
So you've only got a small amount
and it should go really easily.
[Lisa] Okay, that's fine.
[soft music]
[Lisa] I'm going to give her this
and then in four to twelve hours' time,
she should be starting to give birth.
There we go. Oh, my God, hello my friend.
- [pig grunting]
- Done.
Yup!
[soft music]
[Jeremy] By late afternoon,
the medicine started to work,
and she gave birth to a piglet
that was alive.
[piglet squeaking]
[pig grunting]
But there were still problems.
So the whole process has started.
She's given birth
to one really small piglet.
She has no milk,
and the piglet is in there
just looking for a teat
and there's no food.
How are we doing?
[Lisa] She's had one, she has no milk.
Look at that.
[Jeremy] Oh, Jesus.
[Lisa] It's absolutely tiny.
- Have we got any pig milk? Like SMA?
- No.
[Jeremy] I mean,
that's not a healthy piglet, is it?
[phone dialling out]
[Nathan] Hello, veterinary clinic.
- [Jeremy] Hi, Nathan?
- Hi, there.
[Jeremy] Hi, it's Jeremy Clarkson
up at Diddly Squat.
[Nathan] Oh, yeah.
Sorry to trouble you. I gather
both Dilwyn and Jenny are not there,
so I'm troubling you.
- I don't
- [Nathan] That's all right.
[Jeremy] I don't know
if you're up to speed on our sickly sow.
She's popped a piglet out
that is the size of a mouse.
She's not producing any milk.
I was wondering
if you had any suggestions.
[Nathan] So basically,
if she's not letting down any milk,
it's because she's not producing any.
So, the next step
is basically going to be
bottle feeding the piglets
with some colostrum.
Colostrum?
Where do we get colostrum from?
[Nathan] So, I think in this case
it would probably be easiest if we use
a sort of pre-made lamb colostrum.
So I think what we'll do is
we'll put some up at the practice
for you to collect
and it will be a case of following
the instructions on it,
mixing it up
and bottle feeding the piglets with it.
[Jeremy] All right, Nathan, thanks.
Bye, bye.
[Nathan] No worries, take care now, bye.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] A member of the film crew
went off to get the formula
and then Kaleb arrived
- Is she still trying to push?
- [Lisa] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Just as Baroness
gave birth to piglet number 2.
[Lisa] Oh! Yes, another one.
[Jeremy] Is there another one?
[Lisa] Yeah, we have another one.
[Jeremy] Is it alive?
[Lisa] Yeah. There we go.
[Jeremy] God, is that one even smaller?
Yeah.
That one is unbelievably tiny.
[piglet squeaking]
[Lisa] "I'm fucking hungry!"
I bet you are.
[piglet squeaking]
[pig grunting]
[Jeremy] This one is weak as hell, Kaleb.
One of them is as weak as hell.
[Kaleb] That runt, that little tiny one?
No, the bigger one.
She can't open her mouth.
She's just, you know
Her head's flopping around on the nipple.
[Jeremy] Luckily,
the formula milk was now ready to go.
[Jeremy] All right. Well done.
- That's it.
- [Lisa] Almost.
[Lisa] Good.
That's perfect.
[Jeremy] We'll make you a big strong pig.
We'll have you up and about in no time.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Then Nathan arrived
and started to work vet miracles.
[Nathan] We've got one.
- [Lisa] He's okay?
- [Nathan] Yup, alive.
Here we go, another one.
- [Jeremy] Lisa?
- [Lisa] Yes?
- [Jeremy] How many now?
- [Lisa] Four.
- [Jeremy] Are they all alive?
- Yes.
- [Jeremy] Are they tiny?
- Yes.
[Nathan] Hang on. I've got another one.
[Jeremy] Soon,
Baroness was mother to five piglets.
[Nathan] I'm just going to put them all
next to Mum for a bit of warmth.
Because he's a bit cold there.
Just pop them all together.
[Jeremy] And having bottle fed them all,
we went home to grab a bit of sleep.
[piglets squeaking]
The next morning,
we found
that three of the piglets had died.
They'd simply been too weak to survive.
We moved the remaining two
to a heated pen at the farm,
but even that wasn't working.
[Jeremy] Another dead one.
[Jeremy sighs]
[Lisa] Oh!
- Is that the only one that's left?
- We've got one more.
[Lisa] How's the mother? Is she okay?
She's still alive.
We're losing a lot of piglets.
- What?
- [Lisa] We're losing a lot of piglets.
[Lisa sobs]
It's really tough, isn't it?
[Lisa] And this one, we just have to feed
this one every 10 minutes or something.
[Jeremy] I can't remember
what the vet said.
Come here, you.
[piglet squeaking]
We've still got a feisty one.
[piglet squeaking]
[Lisa] Is this the one
that was born second?
[Jeremy] I've lost count.
I honestly don't know.
We'll make it our life's mission
to make that piglet survive.
[Lisa] Yeah.
And her mother.
The mother will survive.
I'll go down and see her now.
- You're going down?
- [Lisa sighs]
[soft music]
[thunder]
[Jeremy] That night we did what even
the most hard-hearted farmer will do
at a time like this.
Come on. There we go.
[Jeremy] We took the sickly piglet
into our kitchen to look after it there.
There we go.
Come on.
There we go.
Still a bit small.
It's still a bit cold to be honest.
Your ears are cold.
[piglet squeaking]
Okay, let's pop you back in there.
Okay, get nice and warm. Yeah.
Now, I'm not going to put you in,
- but it's just a lot warmer here, okay?
- [piglet squeaking]
I know. I'm sorry.
There we go, okay?
[Jeremy] The next day, irony of ironies,
we had to go to the farm shop
to meet Andy Garcia the butcher.
[Andy] There's lots of it.
Let's take a look at it.
[Jeremy] He'd finished preparing the pigs
I'd recently taken to slaughter.
[Andy] Seven boxes,
two pigs' worth of pork in these.
You should be doing the lifting, really.
They're your pigs.
You're young
and I've seen you hold a pram
- while aiming your gun at Al Capone.
- Look at that. This is your favourite.
- [Andy] These are belly pork strips.
- [Lisa] Yum.
[Andy] Pork chops there.
You can tell they're really nice pigs
because of the amount of fat on them.
Whoever's looking after them
is doing a great job.
[Andy chuckles]
Erm You can see
that they're going to eat really well.
Lots of sausages.
[Jeremy] Holy moly.
[Andy] Carolina Reaper
and honey sausages.
- Oh, my giddy aunt.
- [Andy] There's another box.
Two pigs have produced
4, 8.
- Jesus!
- There's 36 packs of six in a box.
[Lisa] Jeremy,
Sandy and Black Forest Sausages.
- [Andy] Sounds good.
- [Lisa] Sounds good doesn't it.
[Jeremy gasps]
This is so good for my side of the chart.
God, strewth, that's brilliant.
Except it is so One of the things
I can't get my head around is,
we're having a really tottering time
with the piglet births.
[Andy] Hmm.
- Really tottering.
- [Andy] Hmm-hmm.
So you're up all night, sort of nurturing
these pigs and trying to make them warm,
trying to make them comfortable
and trying to make them alive.
[Andy] Yeah.
- And then you break off
- [Lisa laughs]
to come here and receive all this.
Yeah.
Mixed emotions.
There's only one expression
I can think of, and it's farmer logic.
'Cause you love animals.
All farmers love their animals.
- And then they kill them and sell them.
- [Andy] Hmm.
- This way you can love them twice.
- [all laughing]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Back at the farm,
as the rain continued to fall,
I brought the poorly piglet
into my office
so I could keep an eye on her
while I was working.
I've moved her away from the Aga
and brought her next to
the stove in the barn.
And she's really not well.
[Lisa] Hey.
[both sighing]
[Lisa] No
- [Jeremy] She's the last one.
- [Lisa] I know.
I know, come on.
No?
It's okay, little one.
I'm with you, okay?
You can go, I'll stay with you.
- And her mother's not well either.
- I know.
She's worse than she was before,
to be honest.
[Jeremy] She is.
[soft squeaks]
- [Lisa sighs]
- [soft squeaks]
[Lisa sighs]
I just find that heart-breaking.
[Jeremy] Hi, Jenny.
- Hi, Jenny.
- [Jenny] Hi, there.
Another familiar sight.
- [Jenny] I've heard she's not doing well.
- Yeah.
[Jenny] No, I'm afraid she's passed.
There's nothing there.
- [Jenny] Did she come out very little?
- [Lisa] Yeah.
But
[Jeremy sighs]
I can't do this.
I can't have pigs anymore, honestly.
- A nightmare. I like them too much.
- [Lisa] Hmm.
[Jeremy] Unbelievably,
the torment wasn't over.
Because we then had to turn
our attention to Baroness,
now that every single one
of her piglets had died.
[Jenny] Hello, darling. Hi, sweet pea.
- [pig grunting]
- Good girl.
Good girl.
[Jeremy] What are you doing now, Jenny?
[Jenny] Just taking her temperature,
to see whether she has got a fever.
[Lisa] She's very wobbly though.
- [Jeremy] She's walking like she's drunk.
- [Jenny] She's really wobbly.
[Lisa] Yeah. Look.
[Jenny] You can see her swaying
from side to side.
She hasn't eaten.
She's had a bit of water, and that's it.
You can see on the back end.
Her bum should be round with muscle.
It's really straight up and down.
She's obviously lost a huge amount
of muscle there and support.
And the problem is,
especially on this terrain,
where she's up and down hills
and it's all a bit lumpy bumpy,
I'm really worried
that she's going to get to the point
that she's just going
to go off those legs
and collapse.
It could be something cancerous.
The other thing you could be dealing with
is if you've got
some damage to the liver.
Neither of which are
- Curable.
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] Is she suffering now?
[Jenny] Any animal that's not eating
is not in a good state.
[Lisa] She's so unsteady on her feet,
isn't she?
If you don't make the decision now,
I have a feeling that we'll be
in this position in another week's time
with her collapsed
down the bottom of there.
If she's not going to get better
and she's suffering,
it's Dignitas time.
[Lisa] Yeah.
[pig grunting softly]
So if you want me to do the deed,
then I'll sort it out,
and then you'll need
to get someone in to take her away
- after everything's done.
- When would you do the deed?
I can do it now,
if you would like.
Fucking hell.
- What do you think?
- [Jenny] I can give you a bit of time.
I don't want her to be unhappy,
in pain, or to get sicker.
- And then
- You don't want her to die either.
I don't want her to die with a broken leg
having fallen down there
and just be all crumpled up and alone.
[Jenny] I know.
It's always a really difficult decision.
She's so lovely.
[Jenny] She does seem
like she's got a bit of a sweet nature.
She's really sweet.
She's always been the sweetest.
[Jenny] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Well
[Lisa sobs]
Yeah? Time?
It's fine. You don't have to be present
if you don't want to be.
- Yeah. I don't want to see it.
- [Jenny] No.
- Thanks, Jenny.
- That's not a problem. Okay.
Bye, Baroness.
[Jeremy] Oh, God
[pig grunting softly]
[Jenny] All right, darling.
Time's up, I'm afraid.
[credits over silence]