Gilligan's Island (1964) s03e04 Episode Script

1
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
Skipper, hey, skipper!
It's a plane!
It's a plane, skipper!
It's a plane.
It's a plane.
Gilligan, don't you ever
watch where you're going?
I know it's a plane.
It's been circling around here
for the last 10 minutes.
It's probably a search plane.
I better get some wood for the signal fire.
Gilligan, what do you suppose this is for,
roasting marshmallows?
Never mind the wood.
I'll handle the wood.
You go get our radio.
He's probably been trying to contact us.
Yes, sir, the radio.
Oh!
Radio announcer:
And now from Hollywood.
Harold hecuba,
the cinema's top producer,
is circling the world in his private plane
in a talent hunt for new faces
to star in his next musical extravaganza,
tentatively entitled musical extravaganza.
Mr. Hecuba, or h.H.,
as he is affectionately
known here in Hollywood,
insists on searching in
out-of-the-way places to find
Gilligan!
Hi, ginger, bye, ginger. Put that back.
No, this is important.
Well, so is this. I know, but
well, no buts about it, I'm
listening to the Hollywood news.
You can have it when I'm through.
Some of the stars that Mr. Hecuba
has discovered in the past
include that handsome
leading man patch pockets
and that great cowboy star bum steer.
All his friends in
Hollywood wish h.H. Well
in his worldwide mission.
Ginger says you can have the radio
as soon as she's finished with you.
What are you doing?
Gilligan, that plane was circling
not looking for us. It was
'cause he was in trouble.
We're in more trouble than
he is. We're shipwrecked.
Well, he's shipwrecked,
too. I saw him crash.
He can't be shipwrecked,
he was flying a plane.
He could be plane wrecked,
but he can't be shipwrecked.
Alright, so he was plane wrecked.
I just hope he's okay.
He's okay. Look.
Careful with that stuff, will you, kid?
I think it's a miracle
that you're even alive.
Well, I don't know, these new planes,
you press the wrong button,
things go who knows.
Let me see, now,
I'll have to send some telegrams,
I'll need a large office,
4 private telephones,
2 private secretaries,
wall-to-wall carpeting,
I you're standing?
Move it! Move it!
Well, I'm sorry, but we
don't have any telephones
or any telegraphs out here.
And no carpeting.
Now, that's negative thinking.
I don't put in with negative thinking.
Do you wanna know why?
Because it's negative!
Well, I'm sorry, but
this is a deserted island,
and there's only 7 castaways out here,
and I'm the skipper. And I'm gilligan.
What, are you some kind
of peace corps dropouts?
Come on, boys, move it, move it.
You're standing?
When Harold hecuba does this
You do that. Come on,
let's take it from the top.
You're gonna be alright.
Now, let me see, now
casting directory, swimming trunks,
suntan oil, electric toothbrush
aha, here it is.
Spread that out, kid.
Well well, now, just
a minute, Mr. Hecuba.
You're a long way from Hollywood,
and I'm skipper of this island,
and I give the orders!
He's the skipper, he gives the orders.
Is that a fact?
Well, hear this and hear this good.
Right now, a couple of my flunkies
are following me in a plane.
Now, if you and your friends
want to be my guests in a
free ride back to civilization
we do, we do. Then remember one thing.
The key word around
here is cooperation.
That is the word cooperation.
Now, who gives the orders around here?
Mr. Harold hecuba.
Mr. Harold hecuba.
That's better. Alright, kid,
spread out that signal marker.
People, people.
Nice job, kid.
Now go down and pick up
the rest of my luggage.
No tip?
Tip, tip, tip. Put it on my tab.
How much is one and one?
2. Good boy. Here.
You're standing? You're standing?
Right this way, Mr. Hecuba.
Alright, look alive, look alive.
Yes, sir.
So Mr. Hecuba thought
that this would be
the most comfortable place
for him to stay, Mr. Howell.
Ugly, ugly!
This looks like a poverty pocket
in a disaster area.
Now, see here.
Oh, don't apologize, pussycat.
Pussycat?!
Well, if this is the best you have,
I guess I'll just have to put up with it.
I'll have you know that Mrs. Howell and I
are not sharing our quarters
with a perfect stranger.
Nobody's perfect.
I wouldn't think of sharing this
hovel with you and your wife.
Oh, that's much better.
You're moving out.
I'm taking over.
You and your wife will
have to find other quarters.
This is outrageous.
What nerve, what gall.
Mr. Howell, please, he's
gonna get us off the island.
What can I do for you?
Sir.
The key word is sir. S-i-r.
Remember that.
Mr. Howell, a rescue
plane is coming to get him,
and he's gonna take us
along, so do what he wants.
I know, but
please.
Darling, I found the
most beautiful flower.
Hello. I want
no autographs, please.
Oh, oh, oh, dear heart,
this is Mr. Harold hecuba,
the famous film producer.
And Mr. Hecuba, this is my darling wife.
Mrs. Thurston ho well III.
How do you do?
Do you mind?
I'm allergic.
Mr. Hecuba's gonna take over your hut
for a little while, Mrs. Howell.
Oh, that's that's out of the question.
What nerve, what gall.
Mr. Hecuba's going to help us
get off the island, my dear.
Oh. What can I do for you, Mr. Hecuba?
Well, I'm so glad you asked.
While I'm staying here
at this island tenement,
I'm gonna need a Butler and a maid,
and you two will do very nicely.
Really!
This is the last straw.
Rescue or no rescue,
the howells are servants to no man.
Your Martini.
Ahh, yes, lovely.
Oh! Impossible!
He's absolutely impossible!
Why should we be a servant
to a self-centered,
abusive, overbearing human being?
Mary Ann, that's the way producers are.
Why, I knew one producer in Hollywood
for 5 years, and in all that time,
he only smiled once.
When was that?
The day his yacht sank.
And he smiled?
Well, he just sold it.
To his mother-in-law.
She couldn't swim.
[Whistle]
Oh! His master's voice.
Mary Ann, let me serve him, huh?
Santa Lucia ♪
Santa Lucia ♪
never mind the floor show, kid.
Get me some water.
[Italian accent] Water?
Sure, I bring you water.
Eh, what-a you care about
the poor-a starving people,
so long as you stuff
yourself with water, eh?
Eh, you want-a water.
I don't have a dress-a to my name.
What's that you're wearing?
This?
This is a dress that I
share with my 4 sisters.
Only one of us can
leave the house at a time.
And you want water.
Alright. Forget the water.
Just bring me some bread.
Bread?!
Eh, now you want some bread!
They are starving in the
piazza de Steve Reeves,
and you want-a bread.
Alright, I get you bread.
You stuff-a your fat face with bread.
Mama Mia!
[Speaking Italian]
I think I saw this in a picture once.
[As Marilyn Monroe]
Here you are, Mr. Hecuba.
Here's your bread and water.
What do you want, applause?
I don't know what you
want with bread and water,
as long as I'm around.
Please, kid, not while I'm eating, huh?
You know,
once men have tasted my lips,
they're never satisfied
with bread and water again.
Hold it. Now, what's going on here?
I just wanted to show you what a
versatile actress I am, Mr. Hecuba.
Couldn't you see me
starring in your new movie?
Oh, you've got to be kidding.
With that phony dialect
and that overacting,
in a Harold hecuba production?
Like the man said when
he backed into the stove,
"that's a hot one."
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
"I bring-a you bread.
I bring-a you bread."
Ha ha ha ha ha!
It's too
actors! Actors!
[Sobbing]
Ginger, how can you say
that you won't go with us
after we're rescued?
I asked him for a part in his movie,
and he laughed at me.
[Sobbing]
Maybe it's a comedy.
Would you stay out of this?
Anything you say, h.H.
Now, ginger, please,
you don't need Mr. Hecuba.
I mean, you're going to be
returning to an adoring public.
No!
I'll return to find I'm an unknown.
A has-been.
[Sobbing]
Ginger, please, now,
your public hasn't forgotten you.
Yeah. Sure. It's just silly.
I mean, who could forget your
performance as the girl in the
Or was it the sister?
The niece?
Was it the mother?
No
I'm gonna spend the rest of my life
alone on this island.
Ohh
[Sobbing]
I got it.
You were the sympathetic friend.
Nooo!
[Sobbing]
Ginger said she won't go back with us
even after we're rescued.
She will not go back to Hollywood.
I'm afraid this is serious.
When hecuba laughed at ginger's acting,
she became emotionally disturbed
and psychologically maladjusted.
Not only that
she's upset.
If only hecuba hadn't laughed at her.
Oh, he's all heart, that guy.
He acts the same way with everybody.
Even Mr. Howell.
Mr. Howell!
Why are you serving us?
I don't know.
It's become force of habit.
What has happened to me?
What has happened to me?
Ohh!
Poor Mr. Howell's in bad shape.
We're going to have to
do something to help him.
I don't know. It's pretty
nice having a Butler.
Gilligan
Gentlemen, we were discussing ginger.
Now, if she refuses to leave the island,
we're facing a serious problem.
I have an idea.
Gilligan, we don't need
another one of your ideas.
We're in enough trouble now.
I was just thinking,
if we put on a musical
with ginger as the star,
h.h. Would see how great she was.
That's a great idea, gilligan.
A dumb one!
Oh, on the contrary
that's a marvelous idea, gilligan.
But, professor, when
you put on a stage show,
you've gotta have rehearsals.
H.h. Has been running
our legs off all day long.
But he hasn't called us at night.
Oh, you're really something.
At night.
Professor: Why not?
We could use torches.
Yeah. And we could
rehearse in the clearing,
where he can't hear us.
But hecuba puts on musicals,
and it so happens we don't
have any musicals to put on.
But the howells have records,
we brought some books, books
are always being made into musicals.
Say, maybe we could make a musical
out of some of those books.
Four-masted schooners I have known.
Oh, that's mine, professor.
How about this one? Integrated
calculus by Zimmerman.
Oh, that's mine.
Gilligan: I knew it wasn't mine.
Uh, how about, uh, a million
ways to make a million?
No. That's Mr. Howell's.
How about carpenter's handbook?
Oh, that'd be a great musical, gilligan.
Carpenter's handbook.
Can't you see a musical, sawing
Bo-wah ooh-wah ♪
That's enough.
I'm afraid it's a fruitless task, gilligan.
The only thing left is Hamlet
by William Shakespeare.
That's it! Hamlet is a marvelous play!
But hecuba puts on musicals.
We can put it to music.
Hamlet to music?
Sure. We can call it
Hamlet a go-go.
This is the story of a man
who could not make up his mind.
A tragic tale of love and hate,
of remorse and revenge.
But enough of me.
The play's the thing.
And with a roll of the drum
and a blare of the trumpets,
we present
Hamlet.
[Overture plays]
I ask, to be ♪
or not to be? ♪
A rogue or peasant slave ♪
is what you see ♪
a boy who loves ♪
your mother's knee ♪
and so I ask, to be or not to be? ♪
So hear my plea ♪
And say you'll see a little hope for me ♪
to fight or flee ♪
to fight or flee ♪
I ask myself, to be or not to be? ♪
He asks, to be or not to be? ♪
A rogue and peasant slave
is what you see ♪
my son who loves his mother's knee ♪
and so he asks, to be or not to be? ♪
To hear his plea ♪
we beg of thee ♪
and say we see ♪
a little hope for he ♪
to fight or flee ♪
to fight or flee ♪
I ask myself ♪
to be or not ♪
to be? ♪
Hark!
I do believe I hear the fair Ophelia.
My lord Hamlet is troubled.
Yea, verily.
My heart is heavy.
I cannot marry thee, Ophelia.
There is nothing left for you
but to get thee to a notarary.
Ah, my poor Hamlet!
Ah, my poor Hamlet!
[Music plays]
Hamlet, dear, your problem is clear ♪
avenging thy father's death ♪
you seek to harm your uncle ♪
and mom, but you're
scaring me to death ♪
while I die and sigh and cry ♪
that love is everything ♪
you're content to try to catch ♪
the conscience of the king ♪
since the date ♪
when your dad met his fate ♪
you just brood ♪
and you don't touch your food ♪
you hate your ma ♪
mad at my pa ♪
you'll kill the king ♪
or some silly thing ♪
so Hamlet, Hamlet ♪
do be a lamblet ♪
rotten enough alone ♪
from Ophelia, no one can steal ya ♪
you'll always be my own ♪
leave the gravedigger scene ♪
if you know what I mean ♪
Danish pastry for two ♪
for me ♪
for you ♪
in truth, Ophelia,
you have said a mouthful.
Oh.
Uh
Hamlet, I have so much more to offer.
Hamlet,
I have so much more to offer.
But hark!
Methinks me hear the heavy footsteps
of my father polonius.
And the laughter of your
brother and my friend
laertes.
Oh! They must not find us here.
But where to hide?
Hide anyplace.
But don't go near the water.
[Clears throat]
Father, my ship sails
at the tide.
A moment, my son,
for I have something to tell you.
I ask only for my allowance.
Ah, but I shall give you
something far more valuable.
Advice.
Do you know how much wine
you can buy in Paris with advice?
Paris.
It is a wild and wicked town.
And you are but
a young and innocent boy.
Oh, could I tell him a few stories.
Heed my words, laertes,
and you will be safe.
Unless I listen, I won't
get my spending money.
So I'll listen, I'll listen.
Neither a borrower ♪
nor a lender be ♪
do not forget ♪
stay out of debt ♪
think twice ♪
and take this good advice from me ♪
guard that old solvency ♪
there's just one other thing ♪
you ought to do ♪
to thine own self be true ♪
neither a borrower nor a lender be ♪
do not forget ♪
stay out of debt ♪
think twice ♪
and take this good advice from me ♪
guard that old solvency ♪
then just one other thing ♪
you ought to do ♪
to thine own self be true ♪
quiet!
Quiet!
[Everyone talking at once]
I said quiet!
How dare you put on a play
without informing Harold hecuba?
From now on, h.H. Is in
full charge of all rehearsals.
You mean you're
gonna produce our play?
The sensational, great,
magnificent Mr. Hecuba?
You left out stupendous.
Watch that, baby.
Oh. Sorry.
Alright! Get ready to rehearse
Harold hecuba's Hamlet.
Don't you mean
William Shakespeare's Hamlet?
If he was alive today,
I'd have him working on a full rewrite.
Now, look
places!
Wait a minute. Take five.
The image is all wrong.
I'll have to change clothes.
Work on it. Work on it.
[All talking at once]
There is one other thing
you ought to do ♪
to thine own self be true ♪
[blows whistle]
Hold it!
Of all the years I've been around,
that is absolutely the worst!
You call yourself actors?
I don't call myself an actor.
What? If I say you're
an actor, you're an actor.
Okay, I'm an actor.
Believe me, you are no actor.
Now, we'll take it from the top,
and we're gonna do it right.
I'll show you how to
do it with pace, tempo!
Up to now, there's really been
something rotten in Denmark.
I want
silence!
I didn't say anything.
If I know you, you will.
Alright.
Turn in your costumes.
From this point on,
hecuba will show you
how to do this thing right.
You
You are about to be privileged
to see an original production of Hamlet
created by Harold hecuba,
directed by Harold hecuba,
and now for the first time,
demonstrated to you
by Harold hecuba.
What a modest, unassuming chap.
Overture.
[Overture plays]
[Crashing and banging]
I ask, to be or not to be? ♪
Hold it! Cut!
It's draggin'. It's layin' right in the ground.
Come on, gimme a little tempo.
Faster! Faster!
I ask, to be or not to be? ♪
A rogue or a peasant
slave is what you see ♪
a boy who loves his mother's knee ♪
and so I ask, to be or not to be? ♪
Eh heh heh!
Hark!
I hear the fair Ophelia.
Hamlet, dear, your problem is clear ♪
avenging thy father's death ♪
you seek to harm
your uncle and mom ♪
but you're scaring me to death ♪
[deep voice] Hark!
[High-pitched voice] Hark!
It is my father,
polonius.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be ♪
do not forget ♪
stay out of debt ♪
think twice, and take this good advice ♪
from me ♪
guard that old solvency ♪
there's just one other
thing you ought to do ♪
to thine own self be true ♪
oh, I just think he's wonderful!
I think he's twins.
Hark!
The king approaches.
As king of the realm
Goodnight, sweet prince.
Ahh
Calm down and make sense, will you?
He's gone, gone! Mr. Hecuba is gone!
But that's impossible.
I knocked on his door
and nobody answered.
Oh, gilligan. Well, he
might be sound asleep.
After all, he gave quite
a performance last night.
Well
I'll see.
Mr. Hecuba?
Mr. Hecuba, are you awake?
Mr. Hecuba?
Skipper, there's a note.
Oh.
"Friends, the rescue
boat came during the night,
and I didn't want to disturb your sleep."
"Didn't want to disturb your sleep"?
Will you keep quiet?
"Good luck, and keep well.
"Cordially, Harold hecuba.
Harold hecuba productions."
He left us.
He left us behind.
Oh, but I'm sure he'll be coming back.
I mean, he has no reason for leaving us.
Oh, yes, he has. Listen to this reason.
Radio announcer: And now a
repeat of the marvelous news.
Harold hecuba has been rescued,
and with a bigger and better future.
He announced that his next production
will be a musical version of Hamlet,
the greatest idea he ever had.
Who but Harold hecuba
could think of an idea
as brilliant as that?
Us. That's who.
Oh, I can't believe
that he'd leave us here.
Well, he has.
But how could he do a thing like that?
I mean, just because he made
a movie, he's gonna leave us?
I mean, he's gonna desert us
because of a movie he made with
Gilligan, what's the matter with you?
Why aren't you upset?
Well
That's show biz.
I ask, to be or not to be? ♪
That is the question that I ask of me ♪
gilligan, will you cut that out?
I'm trying to get some sleep.
[Softer] I ask, to be or not to be? ♪
That is the question that I ask of me ♪
gilligan, cut that out!
[Softer still] I ask, to be ♪
or not to be? ♪
That is the question that I ♪
And that is the answer
that you get from me ♪
they're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in the tropic island nest ♪
no phone No lights
no motorcars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪