Grimsburg (2024) s03e04 Episode Script

1
[electronic warbling]
I've finally done it, Jacobs.
I've created
a gravity-defying projectile
that can hit a target
thousands of miles away.
Whoa! That is sick!
That is sick!
Uh, glad you're
so excited about it.
Oh, it's not about your thing.
I invented a new kind of cocaine
that doesn't make you wanna jump
in a pit of crocodiles
the next day.
New cocaine! No crocodiles!
Is repeating everything you say
multiple times
at the top of your lungs
the only downside?
Yep! Yep!
What the?
[percussive music]
[gasps] Who would do this?
Who would? [sniffs]
Who would?
[percussive music continues]
[both coughing]
It's poison. Quick,
give me some of your cocaine!
No! I do not have enough.
[coughs]
I do not have enough.
[rasps]
[theme song playing]
Happy Friendaversary!
Got a big day planned.
Let's paint the town friend.
[cheerful upbeat music playing]
[groans contentedly]
[both laughing]
[cheerful music continues]
[both laughing]
[cheerful music continues]
[both laughing]
[both laughing]
Aw, damn it.
I told you when you're
on the way, call my cell.
[Russian accent]
But you give me your cell.
Wh-Why did you hire our plumber
to pretend he's you
on our Friendaversary?
Because I'm your friend,
and I didn't wanna hurt
your feelings by telling you
how sixth grade it is
to celebrate the day
we first met.
Also, our maid wanted 50.
I'm not sure you know
what "friend" means.
What?
Don't say that.
Come here, you.
Where the hell
is your mute button?
[grunts]
You would know where it was
if you ever read my manual
like a real friend.
[door opens and closes]
So, how'd it go yesterday?
They give me your root canal.
[groans]
Heh, suckers.
[pained grunt]
We believe he is one of Da Broz
behind last night's
Cybernetics prank attack.
Da Broz? Sounds stupid.
Unless it's like Da Bears.
[Midwestern accent]
Da Bears!
[as The Richmeister]
Makin' copies.
Schwing!
My VCR has
SNL: Best of 1991stuck in it.
Da Broz are
part YouTube trick shot crew,
and part terrorist group.
I bet you're wondering
how an ace gumshoe like me
knows about this kid stuff.
Nope. I was thinking about
how a hamburger bun on its side
looks like a flat butt.
I only know about them because
I recently took a DNA test
and got some shocking news.
It turns out,
I'm eight years old.
Who knew?
Anyway, now I'm seeing
a child psychologist,
one Doctor Rubin,
who says I shouldn't spend
my formative years
watchingColumboreruns
and focus more on kid stuff.
You know, social media,
pee-pee, poo-poo,
Spider-Mans
You're it.
[buzzing]
Oh, great. My kid's school.
Lord, give me strength.
[phone beeps]
What they do now?
[groans] I'll be right there.
I hate kids.
I really wish
I never came out to you.
Okay, Da Bro, start da talking.
I'm no rat. That's not
what friends do, dawg.
Oh, yeah?
And what do friends do?
I'm asking for a friend.
Oh, God.
We just kinda kick it.
I know Da Broz
are planning something.
Must be nice
making plans together.
I can't even get him to clean
my hard-to-reach hoses.
I maintain a big part
of friendship is never touching.
And we don't even have
a friendship song
like all my friendship idols do.
Buzz and Woody.
Laverne and Shirley.
Batman and Robin.
E-Even though,
it's just Batman over and over.
I want a real friend.
And it breaks
my nuclear reactor heart.
It appears
your ill-behaved little imps
dunked the lunch lady
in the hoop.
[grunts]
[grunts]
- Look, Mister Pentos
- Doctor!
[lunch lady grunts]
I'm a working widow
with five boys.
This is not a "me" problem.
The moment I drop them off here
they become a "you" problem.
Until I pick 'em up
and they become
a "whatever Twitch is" problem.
While I do not respect you
as a mother or lady of the law,
for my own sanity,
I will offer a solution.
You see, I too was once
a wayward youth
until a church group saved me.
Eh, no offense,
but you did end up a felon
with an ankle monitor.
Actually, my super villainy
began much later
when I joined an early morning
runner's group.
Those people are truly
[chuckles]
truly the worst.
Here's the card for my church.
[chainsaw revving]
Okay, let's move.
We're about to get covered
in lunch lady bits.
[panicked yells]
Great.
Here, you can use my
[chuckling] He-Hey,
look at the two of us cyborgs.
You got robot where I got guy.
And I got guy where you got bot.
[chuckles] It's like a
[both] Perfect match!
Can I ask you a question?
I know
it might seem quick, but
Do you think
We could be friends, buddy? ♪
You're singing to me already.
When a friendship happens fast
It can be almost frightening ♪
But when it's meant to be ♪
It really strikes
Like lightning ♪
As in McQueen and Mater?
Sure!
Well, you can be my Spongebob
I can be your Starfish Patrick ♪
You can be my Morty ♪
I can be
Your creepy grandpa Rick ♪
- ♪Abbott ♪
- Costello ♪
- Turner ♪
- Hooch ♪
- Ah!
- Bert ♪
Ernie ♪
- Shrek ♪
- Donkey ♪
Joey ♪
The guy who died
In a hot tub ♪
Aw, that was so sad.
I know.
But was it?
[both]
We are friends ♪
- [child] Whoo-hoo!
- [laughing]
Don't get lost!
That didn't even sound
convincing to me.
Ah!
You must be Detective Martinez.
I'm Demón the reverend.
And this is Boysenberry.
Ooh, you wanna little treat?
[children laughing]
At the church, our aim is
to keep kids focused, calm,
and most importantly, exhausted.
We even teach Chinese.
The food or the language?
- Both.
- Mmm.
But our main focus is religion.
It takes much study
to be a Satanist.
Did you say
[as Church Lady] Satan?
Sorry, Flute's always doing
the Church Lady from SNL.
Oh, don't worry.
This isn't your violent
stepfather's Satanism.
We're kinder and gentler now.
I grew up a strict Catholic.
I can't let my boys
be Satanists.
- I'd be condemning them to
- We have free child care.
I'm in.
Okay, Summers,
I got you an extra burger
on the way home,
which proves I'm a friend.
Then I remembered
you don't have a mouth,
which proves I don't need
to read your manual.
[mechanical whirring]
Machine G. Kelly! What the?
I'm gettin' hosed.
[both laughing]
- Mm.
- [laughs]
Are you jelly
of Summers' new friend?
Uh, jelly of what?
Because he let some stranger
shine his knob,
yank his crank,
and a whole bunch of
other things that sound sexual,
but are actually
regular cyborg maintenance?
[scoffs] I'm loving
the time off.
Hey, we're gonna play
some darts and
And let me guess,
you needed a little break
from the constant
[high-pitched squeal]?
Been there.
I'd show you where his mute
button is if I could find it.
It's in his left armpit,
not that I'd ever use it.
I love his voice,
especially when he's all
[high-pitched squeals]
Who's playing against us?
Flute, you want in?
Or is it gonna be a problem
finding someone
to play with you?
Are you insinuating
I don't have any other friends?
Because I've got
a ton of friends.
For example,
my dear friend
Uh
Otis!
Me? [laughing] Well,
Doctor Rubin did say I'm ready
for reciprocal relationships.
Perfect. Then Big O
is on my team.
Oh, I'd love to,
but it's bath time.
How about the four of us
hit the arcade tomorrow?
I've been told my people
simply adore that place.
[scoffs] Good luck.
As Flute's "friend," I'm sure
you already know
how difficult it is
to do any idea that's not his.
Actually, I'd love to go.
It's a date!
Calling it a date was my idea.
Chief Martinez, am I daft or
is Satanism making you taller?
I think so.
Must be the weight of all
the Catholic guilt being lifted.
I gotta tell you,
Mister Pentos
- Doctor.
- I got in it for the childcare,
but Satanism is
a way better fit for me.
People aren't as judgy
of each other,
there's ironically
less chanting in Latin,
and I'm not constantly worried
about the Pope's health.
Praise Satan!
And as much as I hate
to admit it,
I would never have found 'em
without you.
Tell it to the parole board.
[chuckling]
But seriously, if they call,
please do.
Hey, you going to the big to-do
tomorrow night at the church?
Odd. I was not invited.
Hmm
Well, I have been a bit lapsed.
Maybe I could use a little dose
of darkness in my life again.
I have recently found myself
feeling disturbingly upbeat.
I guess you could be my plus one
if you want.
You bet your sweet bippy,
I will!
"Sweet bippy?"
Who the hell even am I?
[children laughing]
Well, this place is great.
If you like the smell
of poopy pants
covered by lemon bleach.
Nope. No. No. This is what
Doctor Rubin was talking about.
Embrace the fun!
Whee Ope
This is a very sticky carpet.
Barry stood you up, huh?
Ah, don't take it personally,
he probably just really
disliked you.
Sorry!
Took forever to make these
for our
three-day Friendaversary.
[Summers squeals excitedly]
Oh yeah, well I didn't make Otis
a thoughtful gift,
because I'm about to win him
the biggest prize here.
When I was a kid
they called me The Claw
because I won so many prizes.
I also had a pretty severe case
of juvenile arthritis.
Game on!
[pained grunt]
[upbeat electronic rock music]
[grunts]
[electronic rock music
continues]
[laser shots pulsing]
[dinging]
[laser shots pulsing]
[gunshot]
Here's your prize.
Ow!
- It's a friendship bracelet.
- That hurts. Stop!
[Summers]
You can stop pretending now.
We know
you're not friends with Otis.
If anyone is pretending,
it's Barry.
What's that supposed to mean?
Look, I don't know
what his angle is,
but there's no way
he genuinely enjoys
being around you all the time.
No one would,
present company included.
You know,
because it's usually excluded.
I'm only explaining because
you both look confused, or,
I wanna say, angry?
- [sniffles]
- Hey, look at me.
He'll never appreciate the power
of your big nuclear heart.
Let's go.
Well, if this is friendship,
maybe I should just go back
to playing with myself.
Oh, just one more thing.
Doctor Rubin's got me watching
this show calledBarney.
I was hoping for a prequel
toBarney Miller.
It's not!
But the purple gentleman
did say,
"When it comes to friends,
sharing is caring."
Think about it.
[child giggling]
Ugh, where's your handkerchief?
Here, take mine.
Are you sure this is it?
I have yet to see
a single pregnant goat.
Or a goat being impregnated.
Or an impregnating goat.
To be honest, I do not recall
seeing any goats.
[jazz piano playing]
[crowd chattering]
[music stops abruptly]
Are my horns crooked?
Uh, let's go check it
in the bathroom.
Ah, Congregant Martinez.
So glad you came.
And who is your, um,
interestingly-dressed companion?
Doctor Rufis Pentos.
Class of '85.
Blood chug champion
three years straight.
Blood chug!
Odd, I do not see anyone
from my old crew here.
I thought
they would surely return
for the Blood Moon Sacrifice.
Actually, we've changed
quite a bit
since you were a member.
This is now our Blood Moon
Charity Blood Drive.
But please,
help yourself to the food.
Don't mind if I do.
[squeaking]
No! Boysenberry!
What are you doing?
Why is a bat on his shoulder
if he didn't want me
to bite its head off?
You monster!
Monster? I am no monster.
[grunts]
I am the God of Hellfire!
[detuned chords]
Ugh!
I guess I only know how to play
the double-necked ones.
They're much more evil.
Martinez! Save me!
[guitar thuds]
[guitar notes ring]
[in Chinese]
Sorry, maybe try praying?
But just know
that has never worked.
Ever!
Da Broz struck again.
They stole a launch booster
from the rocket
that was supposed to leave
Katy Perry in space this time.
Uh, you okay?
Me? I'm great.
Summers has been gone,
so I've been using the time
to do some reading.
Reflection. Masturbation.
Those last two
are separate things.
Look, we gotta solve this fast.
Da Broz just announced
they're dropping a new video
live on Saturday night.
Live on Saturday night, huh?
[crowd cheering]
[TV host] Live from Grimsburg,
it'sCrime Mind Live!
Starring Otis Volcanowitz,
Greg Summers,
Kenan Thompson,
who lives here now!
And here's your host
Barry!
[laughs] So happy
to be hosting CML.
I'm Barry,
and as some of you know,
I recently showed up
in Summers's life.
Bleep. Bloop. Bleep.
[audience laughing]
Kenan, that is not
what I sound like.
I sound like this:
"Your big, nuclear heart."
"Stolen rocket booster",
"Made every pop-a-shot",
"Read the whole manual
on Summers
to steal his heart"?
Oh god, these aren't cue cards,
they're clue cards!
You're one of Da Broz,
and you're just using Summers
for his nuclear heart
to pull off your next trick!
- Guilty!
- Bleep-bloop!
[gasps]
We gotta find Summers!
[sniffs, groans]
[groans] Barry, is that you?
Oh, thank God
I got to you in time.
Or maybe just a smidge late.
What are you doing here?
And why are you holding my head?
Because I was right.
Your friendship was a sham.
Barry only wanted your body,
not your mind.
Men.
How dare you say that
about my friend!
Barry's probably just
doing something nice to my body
as a surprise.
Can you not see
what's happening?
I see you're jealous!
Now put me down!
Gladly.
I never
want to
see you again.
[Barry]
What the hell is going on?
I told you he'd come back.
I thought you took care of him.
Well, I guess
we need to finish the job.
The wax job on my body?
[over P.A.]
It's time for the blood drive.
And to do the honors,
our newest member.
Time to pay for childcare.
Pay? I thought
this was for charity.
It is.
But you don't pay in money.
We get paid in blood.
This traitor's blood!
[gasps] Are you okay,
Mister Pentos?
Doctor.
And I'm chained to be bled,
so, yeah, super good.
Who knew there was
a downside to Satanism?
I don't know what to do!
Worry not, dear, for I do.
As a teacher, I can empathize.
I know how much help
your little monsters need.
You may kill me
with a clear conscience.
Not that it matters,
for you are a Satanist now
and we do not believe
in such things.
Or at least, we used to
not to.
Time for the sacrifice.
[crowd] Sacrifice! Sacrifice!
[chanting in Chinese]
[groans]
No! When I came here,
I felt so alone raising my kids
that I would have
sacrificed anything
to have a community
that wanted to help me.
But it turns out
I already had one.
This man was the only person
who's offered to help me
without asking
for something in return.
That's what a sacrifice
really is.
So if you need blood,
you could kill him yourself.
Amazing speech
until the last line.
Well, if you won't do
the sacrifice,
you'll become the sacrifice.
Guards!
[engines revving,
heavy metal music playing]
Somebody having a bloodletting
and didn't tell us?
Oh, you guys!
You saw the beacon!
[grunts]
Damn, you're strong!
No. My bones are just petrified.
Now get your kids out of here.
Things are about to get demonic.
And Martinez, thank you.
No, thank you Mis
Doctor Pentos.
[panicked shouts,
heavy metal music playing]
[crowd screaming]
Sorry, but we needed
your reactor
to power the boosters
into outer space
to pull off
our sickest trick shot yet.
We're gonna blow a hole
in the moon
and then sink a basketball
through it!
It's the Ultimate Pop-A-Shot!
But that'll destroy the planet.
You guys are sick!
Thanks, dude.
Barry, it's go time.
- [Barry] Hey, you rolling?
- [Da Bro] Oh, yeah!
Summers, we have to do something
or we're all gonna die!
And it'll be all my fault.
Feel free to rub it in my face.
[scoffs] Not that you'd have
anywhere else to rub it.
I wish you never found my head,
so I wouldn't have to see this.
Wait! How did you find my head?
Uh, your neural modem
was still pinging,
so I ran a MAC address trace
through the city's mesh network.
How'd you know how to do that?
Since you haven't been
making me healthy food anymore,
I need extra time on the toity.
So, I, uh,
read your whole manual.
Twice.
You were right.
I need more fiber.
Now I wish
we were still friends.
You don't know how hard
it's been for me
to watch someone else
use you like that.
That's my job!
You have a strange notion
of friendship.
I just see friends differently.
I-I don't understand.
Maybe if you sung it?
[groans, clears throat]
A friend is a guy who pretends
He doesn't see you crying ♪
Or swaps places with you
Before you get a DUI ♪
Dude, shut up!
You're making me miss!
A friend steps in when
You're in a bad bar fight ♪
Maybe not right away,
But at some point ♪
When other people
Are breaking it up, too ♪
Dude, shut him up, permanently!
But sometimes a friend
Has to be a distraction ♪
So that his other friend might
Use his ocular thermal beam ♪
To slice
Abad guy's Achilles ♪
Bro, that's not what a friend
d uh, uh, ow!
[triumphant music playing]
So what you were sing-saying
is that even though
we define it differently,
in the end, we're still friends?
No, that was just
to get us free.
Of course.
This is how I show I care.
By busting your, well
[Barry] Hey, I got the fuse!
Ten, nine
I only got one shot.
What if I miss?
You got this. You're The Claw.
Time to tie up some loose ends.
That'll make more sense
in a second.
Now what do we do?
We can do whatever you wanna do.
Because, like a certain
purple gentleman once said,
sharing is caring.
[Summers]
So we can watchBarney?
[Flute] No.
Well, at least this time
my boys brought her lunch stuff
so service
wouldn't be interrupted.
Yes, I suppose that
could be considered progress.
Oh, you left this last night
when you, uh,
came over to watch the boys.
Thank you!
I am trying
to channel their anger
into constructive noisemaking.
And they taught me how to say
"rock and roll" in Chinese!
[in Chinese]
Yeah, that sounds great.
Satanism? Huh!
That sounds like something
you would have gotten me
involved in.
[laughing]
You would have thought, Stan.
You would have thought.
Uh-oh, watch out!
Salisbury steak coming in!