On the Buses (1969) s03e04 Episode Script

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
APPLAUSE Evening
all.
How are you?
What are we having for supper?
Consomme or socks?
That's Stan's beer.
He's brewing up the hops.
Limey, you're not on that log, are you?
Hey, the do-it-yourself beer king.
You've got a scoff, mate.
I tell you something, I can make beer at the top and save me a pint.
Just think how much lolly I saved, Mum.
What are you going to do with all the money you saved, Stan?
Spend it in a boozer, if I know.
Home-brewed beers and stouts.
Excellent results can be achieved by any man of average intelligence.
Well, that lets you out, doesn't it?
I want to check to see if I've put everything in right.
Now then, I've put in the hops, I've put in the malt extract, and I've put in
the sugar
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What?
Plaster of Paris.
Are you doing home decorating as well?
You put that in the beer, hey?
Hey?
Plaster of Paris in beer?
That can't be right.
It is, Mum, yeah.
It says here.
Here we are, here we are.
Look, if you happen to live in the soft water district, you've got to put some
Plaster of Paris in it.
But it'll go all hard inside you.
Course it won't.
It's just to make the water hard.
We'll all get furred up inside.
I've never heard anything so stupid.
I don't know why you want to harden the water for.
Soft water happens to be rather pleasant and has got beneficial qualities.
Oh, yes, I've found it gives me a very nice complexion.
The water around here can't be as soft as I thought.
It's a well-known fact, Arthur, that soft water gives you a nice complexion and
hard water gives you good teeth.
Yeah, well, I can only presume that you wash your teeth in one place and your
face in another.
Arthur.
Hey, here we are.
Mum, your table, me table.
It's all right.
I've got the mat down, haven't I?
Right, that's it.
All we've got to do now is strain the hops and finish up the beer.
I'd rather have a nice bottle of port.
Well, we can make you some port and umam if you like.
Yeah, if this is successful, I will.
The only difference is, you see, instead of using hops, you use grapes.
But don't they have to be squeezed?
Oh, I'd help you do that.
No, but mine boggles every time you go up to the bathroom and there's Olive
standing there with her dress tucked in and her knickers in the bath treading
grapes.
I wonder if it'd be good for her chill blades.
Oh, what's funny about that?
They all do that in Italy.
Yeah, you ought to go to Italy, love.
You'd make a fortune with the size of your feet.
Now, here, do they really make wine like that in Italy?
Of course they do.
That's what gives it its individual bouquet.
Well, if that's how they make wine in Italy, I'm glad my bottle of port comes
from Algiers.
They don't have no women treading grapes there, do they?
No, use donkeys.
Oh, what a thing to say.
Now, every time I have a glass of port, I shall be thinking of donkeys and
wandering.
Well, we're finished with the hops.
Oh, don't they have to go in the beer?
No, no, no, you only use the brown juice you get from them, then you throw the
hops away.
Ha-ha, just like making cellopods.
With this beer, you won't be able to taste the difference.
In fact, you might be better off with cellopods.
Right, now, then, where's that bucket of water I got?
Here you are, love.
Now, this, you see, you add this juice to this water.
Yes.
Like that, you see.
This is the real starting of it now.
That's the idea, see.
Right, got that bit?
Yes.
Now, then, you put in, this is the yeast, like that, see?
Now, after you've done this, you've got to wrap it up, keep it warm, and in
four days' time, you've got two gallons of best bitter.
Oh, I love that.
Yeah, that's it.
Hey, what are you going to do?
Oh, wrap this round it, this will do.
Hey, what do you think you're doing?
That's the idea, they'll off my bed.
They won't hurt.
If you get cold feet, you can stick them on olive.
Right.
Oh, boy, you've got another shift to do.
I've got another shift.
Have you forgotten?
The four days is up.
The beer, it's fermented, it's ready.
Shift all that stuff over there.
Olive, get some glasses out.
Yes, all right, come on.
Oh, forget that stuff out of it, mate.
I'm having a supper.
Get out of there.
Oh, you've fed it, haven't you?
Here, will it be all right?
Of course it'll be all right.
You got the glasses?
Come on, Olive.
Mind that, mind that, mind that, mind that.
Right.
Oh, blimey.
It looks like something on his suit.
Where's the beer?
It's underneath that stuff.
Well, how do you get to it?
Drill for it?
Shut your face.
Of course you don't.
That's underneath your yeast on top.
No, you skim it off.
Where you want to see some of these breweries, blimey, they get barrels and
barrels full of it.
It's like Quatermast.
What?
Oh, stay.
There you are.
Here, Olive, you have that.
Take it, get rid of it.
Right, now then.
What you gonna do with it?
Drink it.
You all right with that?
All right?
Yes.
Just a little taste, that's all.
Here, Olive.
Thank you.
Want a drop more?
Give you a drop more if you want it.
It's only a taste, do you know what I mean?
Here, Mum.
I'll try it.
Yeah, all right.
Oh, stay.
All over me, stay.
It's all right.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
All right, now my turn.
Tasty boy.
Mum.
Yes.
Well, it should be all right.
I made it myself, didn't I?
Yeah.
Mum, I'm gonna taste it then.
Ian, aren't you gonna do it like they do it on the telly?
What?
Well, they take a swig, swill it round three times in their mouth and spit it
out.
You'll spit it out, all right.
Well, cheers.
Cheers.
Hey, this is good.
Eh?
Yeah.
Pity they don't sell it like this in the pubs.
God, it's smashing.
Drink up, Oliver.
Not until they find the antidote.
It's how marvellous you have it, mate, Oliver.
All right, I will, I will, I will.
God, it's marvellous.
It's a pity they don't sell it like this in the pubs.
Yeah, well, it's against the law.
The health department wouldn't allow it.
Well, go on, Mum, nub it back.
Well, no, I don't think I will, love.
I think I'll leave mine till a little bit later.
Yeah, but it'll go flat.
Eh?
Never mind, I'll down it for you.
Oh.
Oh, Stan, be careful.
Don't forget you've got another shift.
You've got to drive your bus tonight.
Will you stop nagging?
Blimey, I've only had a little drop, haven't I?
Besides, I'm not due out for over an hour yet.
Oh.
Right, what do you want, Oliver?
Oh, no, you're not having mine.
You're not drinking it.
No, I'm going to wash my hair with it.
Beer shampoo's very good for your hair.
You put that in your head, your hair'll fall out, mate.
Is that how you lost yours?
Yeah.
Right, I'm going now, Mum.
Oh, no, love, you can't go without something to eat.
You've had all this beer on an empty stomach.
Look, will you listen to me?
I had one of her pies lunchtime, didn't I?
You know her pastry.
Blimey, that'll be there for the next fortnight.
I'll tell her, love.
I'll be back.
Oh, Mum, Mum, by the way.
Put the lid on the beer.
I'll bottle it up when I come home.
Right-o, love.
Here, wash these glasses up.
There's a good girl.
Here, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Might as well just see what it does taste of.
Oh, blimey, I never knew it'd make it taste like that.
What does it taste like?
Beer.
It's half strong, though.
I bet he never tested its gravity.
Where's that hydrometer?
Eh?
Came with it.
Here we are.
What does that thing do?
That floats on the top of the beer.
The lower down it floats, the stronger it is.
It should stay three inches above the top.
There we are.
Blimey, that's not beer.
That's fire water.
Oh, that thing went right underneath the beer.
Nearly knocked it old in the bottom.
Here, that stuff's a lot stronger than Stan Figg's, you know.
I don't know what it's done to Stan, but it's taken all the varnish off me
teeth.
Hey, Torquey.
Yeah?
You seen Stan?
No, mate.
Ah, he's late.
The inspector's going barmy.
Well, he's barmy anyway, isn't he?
Come here!
Come here!
Where the hell have you been?
Come on, we're late.
Now get on that bus, we're due out.
Right, right.
Not in there.
Come here.
You're driving, remember?
Ah, that's you.
I don't like you up in the front.
I'm lonely up there.
I want to get inside with you.
Come on.
Here, here.
Have you been drinking?
No, of course I ain't.
Why?
You're drunk.
You're as clattered as a newt.
No, don't be angry with me, Jack.
No, Jack.
No, don't be angry with me.
Give, give us a smile.
Go on.
No, come on, give us a smile.
Listen, has anybody ever told you you've got a lovely smile and you've got
lovely teeth and you show them beautifully when you smile?
Me?
Yeah.
Reminds me of also once knew.
Come here, will you?
How much beer have you had?
Five minutes.
You're in no condition to drive a bus.
Here, listen, I'll tell you something.
I'm fit for anything now, mate.
Don't you talk to me like that.
Hello, Jack.
Hello, Steve.
Hello, Suze.
Here, Suze, come here a minute, love.
Here?
What's come over you?
Now, don't be silly.
I thought you were the quiet one.
Well, I'll show you whether I'm the quiet one or not.
Steve!
Shut up!
Put that girl down.
What do you think you're doing?
Put her down.
Well, I see you're a bit
Them mini skirts have gone to your head, haven't they?
Can't be daft.
I don't wear them.
Brother, do you realise that a busman can be suspended for interfering with a
clippy like that?
God, blimey, if he did that there wouldn't be a bus left on the road.
Come along.
Oh!
Cheeky devil!
Don't you know a lot?
That was indecent.
That wasn't indecent.
It would have been only a ticket machine got in the way.
Bloody, you've gone mad, haven't you?
I'll go and report this.
Do you know what, lady?
I'll tell you something, mate.
I love you when you're angry.
Because your eyes sparkle.
Go.
And you almost start bristles.
And I'll tell you what, you should shave it off because it hides your temples.
Oops.
You've been drinking, Butler.
You're drunk, aren't you?
Do you realise what this
Do you realise what this means?
You've signed on for duty while you've been under the influence of alcohol,
aren't you?
This could mean instant dismissal.
Hang about.
Now, shop steward, I cannot allow you to make unsubstantiated, slanderous
allegations about one of our members.
You cannot prove that he is intoxicated?
No, but I soon will do.
Hang about.
I'll get the company doctor to give you a breathalyser test.
You get a breathalyser?
I'm not frightened of a breathalyser.
Well, you see about that, mate.
I've got you, Butler.
Remember, you sign on for duty.
Now, don't leave the depot, mate.
I've been waiting years for this.
Years.
You idiot.
You've done it now, haven't you?
Come on, we'll get you up the canteen.
Hey, fellas, here.
Listen, get a cure, quick.
It's all right, fellas.
There's one too many.
Come on, sit down.
Come on, sit down.
Behave yourself.
Hurry up, Chalky.
Here you go, mate.
Here you are, sir.
Get that down you.
Mashed potato.
It'll get rid of the alcohol.
You sure it'll work?
Yeah, I saw it on the telly when the breathalyser first came out.
Mashed potatoes sob up the alcohol.
Did I?
Yeah.
Come on, get it down you.
Come on.
I can't make it.
No, you need a bigger spoon.
Chalky!
Here we go, Chalky.
Good.
No, but that's
Here you are.
Use this saucer.
This is a mouth here, mate, you know, not the Blackwell Tunnel.
No, I'll sit with the spoon.
Come on.
Hurry up!
Do you know what, Jack?
I didn't think one plate of spoons would get rid of all that booze.
It doesn't.
You need three at least.
Here you are.
Come on, get it down you.
I can't manage it.
Get it down you.
Don't argue.
Thanks, Chalky.
I'll mention it to the Queen.
You'll probably get the OBE.
Thanks, Jack.
I can't manage it.
Come on, get it down you.
No.
Don't want it.
Besides, I feel sick.
That's very good.
Now, that's the best cure of the lot.
Look, I'll tell you what.
If the quack wants a sample off you, give it to him from your big toe.
How do I do that?
You burnt a blood sample.
It's got further to go down there.
There'll be less alcohol.
It's a pity you haven't got longer legs.
Head up.
I've been searching the depot for you.
I've had a word with the General Manager and he agrees with me that in the
interest of the safety of the general public, you should be requested to take a
breathalyser test.
Come in my office.
Hey, shop steward, I'm here to tell you that a doctor should be present.
Doctor?
I'm afraid he's not available.
I don't know where he is.
Yeah, well, I do.
It's quarter to six.
He'll be out with the boozer getting sloshed.
Well, let's go over there and have a look.
Hold on a minute.
You don't need a doctor.
That's only for when there's a blood test.
Come on, we'll have it in the General Manager's office.
We all know the intimidation that goes on behind locked doors.
We'll do it here in front of impartial witnesses.
Right, fellas, gather around.
All right, we'll do it in front of witnesses.
It don't matter where you do it, mate.
If them crystals in there turn green, you're going to get the sack.
Right, you're blowing this little bell.
Just a minute, just a minute.
As shop steward, I must have a private word with Brother Stan here and inform
him of his rights.
All right, go and have your mother's meeting.
Right, let us convene.
We're going to convene.
Jack, listen, what rights have I got?
None, you've got to blow in the tube.
You think it'll turn it green?
Blimey, the way you've been acting, mate, the glass will probably melt.
That means I'll get the sack.
What am I going to do?
Look, I have heard that if you've got a mouthful of smoke when you blow in the
tube, it mucks up the test, see?
But he won't let me smoke.
No, but he can't stop me.
Look, just before you blow in the tube, turn around and I'll give you a quick
drag, right?
Cool, you're clever, Jack, aren't you?
I love you, Jack.
Yeah, yeah, we'll do that after.
Come on.
Right, fully
Stand up, will you?
Fully convinced of his innocence and that he has been unjustly slandered,
Brother Stan here has agreed to take the test.
Right, blow in there then.
Now, just a minute.
No, I've got to clear my throat.
Clear your throat and
You've got to blow in it, not play on it.
You'll be sterilising a lot of bagpipes.
Well, you'll have to excuse me anyway.
What's the matter?
Oh, I've put the wrong end in, mate.
I'll have a go.
Right, you ready?
Now, you blow in there.
Now, hold it a minute.
If them
If them crystals in there
If them crystals in there, the other side of that yellow line, turn green, then
you're going to get the sack, mate, because they will.
Right then, now blow in there.
Oh, timing on me.
Well, hold it.
Hold on.
Mucking me about, aren't you?
It won't do you any good, you know that.
Now, hold it.
Right then.
Now then, hold on.
You've got to give one continuous blow.
Right?
Not less than ten seconds, and not more than twenty.
Now, I'll time you.
I'll time you on this.
Hold it a minute.
Now, wait till the minute hand comes round to it.
Hold it, hold it.
Here it comes.
Wait.
Oh, it's gone past, hasn't it?
Here it comes now, now.
You ready?
Hold it.
Ready.
Off you go.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten.
Well, that's extraordinary.
Look at that.
Look.
It's gone all cloudy.
Have you been drinking ammonia?
That's not alcohol.
He's got a fever.
His breath's steamed up the bag.
The bag.
Hang about.
He's changing colour.
Is he kind of green?
Yeah.
It's going brown.
That's funny.
There's nothing in the instructions about it turning brown.
Have you been drinking, of course?
Cocoa.
Yes, can't eat cocoa.
That's why I feel ill.
Yeah.
I feel ill.
He looks a bit green to me.
Yeah, that's a reflexion off his face.
I've told you he's not well.
I'm not well, sir.
I'm not well.
Yeah.
He does look a bit more repulsive than usual, doesn't he?
Oh, well.
He says you're not drunk.
You're not drunk, mate.
You must be ill, I suppose.
Oh, sir, I'm not ill.
I'm ill.
Oh, well, if you're ill, you'd better go home out of it.
Ain't you?
We can't have you in a depo if you're ill, can we?
Take him home out of it.
Take the rest of the day off.
I appreciate it.
Blakey, I would like you not.
Come on.
Go home out of it.
You can both do a double shift tomorrow.
I'm telling you.
Push your luck, mate.
Come on.
Get out of there.
Come here, Jack.
Oh, it's taken two hours to sober you up.
Must have been around the park ten times.
Oh, blimey.
No wonder I was cold.
Mind you, I feel better now.
Yeah, well, I feel half dead.
Here, where's that beer you made?
I'd like a sample of that.
See where you went wrong.
Is it on the table here?
Yeah.
I did what it said.
Well, I thought I'd
A rotten lot.
They've chucked it all down the sink.
It's a wonder the drain's unblown up.
Ha!
Hello, Stan.
My old mate, my old mutter.
They haven't chucked it down the sink.
I
I
I had
What's the matter?
I had a drop of that beer and that's very good.
Yeah, I can see that, yeah.
I just wondered if I could have another drop.
No, you're too late, mate.
Look.
See, it's empty.
Got it?
Look, I'll show you.
Look.
You've drunk the lot.
No.
No, not me.
Mum and Olive.
I
I was just going to bed anyway.
You'll never make it.
I'm here, honey bun.
I didn't know there was anyone else here.
Here, take the cap.
Oh, thank you, Stan.
Not a
Your sister.
She's a bit of all right, you know.
God, blimey, you must be drunk.
Oh, Stan, you always was my hero.
Hello, my little pigeon.
I thought I heard you coming.
I've been keeping your supper hot for you.
Oh, blimey, she's more drunk than I am.
I had a little drop of your lovely beer.
I did, darling.
And I thought I'd have a little bit more.
Just a little bit.
What's happened to the bucket?
It's sat the wrong way, Mum, you see.
And it's none in it.
It's empty.
It's all gone.
All gone.
Did it get spilled?
Not a drop, by the look of it.
I'll get you some lovely hot tomato soup.
Yeah.
Just a minute.
I've had it boiling up here.
Lovely for my little boy.
Look at this lovely soup here.
I don't want a lot, I just
Have a little bit of that soup.
Would you like some of this lovely soup?
I made it specially for her.
No, I don't think I will, Mrs B.
I've got enough down me trousers.
Just a little bit.
Now, I'll get you something to clean yourself off with.
That's my shirt!
Give it!
I'll clear it up, Mum.
You go to bed.
Go on.
Oh, my little baby.
Mummy's baby.
Mummy's growing up.
The wooden hill to Bedfordshire.
You might like to get upstairs.
Come on, Arthur.
Hey, Stan.
You've got enough for another eight gallons, yeah?
I'm not making any more of that stuff.
After what it's done to them.
Did you see the way Olive looked at Arthur?
Blimey, she'll kill him!
Well, I was just wondering.
I mean, if it'll do that for her, think of what it'll do for the Clippers.
Have a rave-up party!
Get the saucepan going, mate!
I'll tell you what I've got me eye on, mate.
Randy, Ruby and Woodbury.
Thank
you.
Thank you.