Rescue Me s03e04 Episode Script
Sparks
Previously on rescue me your sister Jeanie, she's Sick.
I can't cover the nut But stand up and get yourself a Job before they toss her out in The street.
Hey, listen, is there any Chance you could float me that Money we talked about? I'm sorry, jer.
I'm tapped Out.
I was depending upon that Money for Jeanie Christ, Jerry, what do I look Like, a goddamn atm machine to You?! I saw your sign outside and I'm looking to pick up a couple Of extra bucks.
I am a little Bit rusty, but I used to pour it Down at mchale's.
You don't want to talk to me, You can talk to my new lawyer.
After this shit and the shit you Pulled the other night, I will Get it all the girls, the Money, the furniture, Everything.
You know, you've been acting Very unlou-Like lately, Lou.
What are you talking about? You want to help me? We're brothers.
Save this intervention for Somebody who gives a shit.
Has he talked to you about Maggie yet? No, God, no.
I was waiting For the right time, you know, Seems a little raw after the Whole Johnny thing.
He seems fine to me.
Yeah, but he was doing this Whole bristling thing.
He was bristling? Yeah.
He knows.
I think he might know.
If he knew, you'd be in a Body cast by now.
So, is this a gift from your Old lady? Sorry.
Girlfriend.
She's not old, Lou.
She's Older.
Older lady with a shitload of Money.
What's with the long face? What? What, Mrs.
Turbody? I'm in love with her, uncle Tommy.
You don't know what love is.
Why don't we discuss this off School grounds? Over drinks.
If I end that thing, I'm going To need another thing to take That thing's place.
Call me Mrs.
Turbody! Mrs.
Turbody! Yes! Oh, yes! Hey, did you see the kitty? Where? No, the smoking kitty.
I Checked it out this morning.
Almost 1,200 bucks.
Call it the can, OK? If you Can't call it the can, don't Call it anything.
Talk to your brother yet, Tom? No.
Piece of shit.
If he Knows what's good for him, he'll Stay outta my way from now until The time I leave this planet.
Yeah, that was a real beating You put into him the other Night.
Yeah.
Well, that's how we do It in the Gavin family.
Settle Things with our fists.
My uncles Did it, my aunts.
Even my Sisters.
One time when I was Like 9, my cousin liam threw my Batmobile in the toilet holy shit! Stop the truck, nils! What? Stop the truck! Stop the goddamn truck! You Guys see that? Is it a broad? It's a bus.
It's a school bus In the middle of the road.
Franco, we're in the Middle of a goddamn run.
We stop Here, we gotta clear it with Jerry first.
So clear it! What happened? There's a bus full of kids.
You guys are fast! I'm still on hold with 911.
I Think the kids might be hurt or Something.
Out of the way, guys.
Out of The way, out of the way.
We're stuck! It'll be OK, kids.
The seats are jamming up the Front.
We can't get in.
All right.
We're going up Top.
Probie, come on.
Nils, I need you to get the Partners over here right away.
Where are you? I'm gonna grab the portable Ladder, frank.
Stay calm, guys.
Contacted the dispatch that We've arrived at the scene at Move out of the way of the Window! Cover your heads with Your jackets! Go ahead! You got it? Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, mikey.
Here we go.
Hey, what about that other Job? Was it a fire? No, it wasn't a fire.
It was A cardiac.
72 truckers Responded to it.
All right, kids first.
OK.
Here you go, pal.
Come here, bud.
Ready? I got You.
Go ahead.
You got him? My arm hurts.
You play sports? No.
Then your arm's not Really an issue, now is it? There you go.
Keep your feet On the you have to help beth! You got her? Beth? Where's beth? In front.
OK.
There you go.
Probie? When you get done with her, come Inside and help the driver out, All right? OK.
Got it.
Beth! Beth! Oh, shit.
Probie? Yeah? We're gonna need the saw.
OK! Shit! All right, hang on, sweetheart.
Tommy, hold up a sec.
Hold up a sec, all right? What's going on out there, Lou? Listen, we got gas leaking Out here.
It's pooling up in the Street.
Do not use the partner Saw, do you hear me? Do not use The partner saw.
I don't want to wait, man.
Her leg's stuck under this pipe In here and she's in a lot of Pain.
We got Franco flying in with The saw.
Do not use it.
Copy That! One spark in the wrong Direction just hold off on the Goddamn saw.
Copy? All right.
You know what? Go.
What are you gonna do? Go.
Don't worry about it.
Hurry up.
All right.
All right, sweetheart.
Close Your eyes for me, OK? Where the hell is Franco? Shit! Hey, where were you? You Missed the explosion.
Sony pictures television.]
* on another day, Come on, come on, With these ropes I tied, Can we do no wrong? Now we grieve 'Cause now is gone, Things were good When we were young, With my teeth locked down I can see the blood Of a thousand men Who have come and gone, Now we grieve 'Cause now is gone, Things were good When we were young, Is it safe to say? Come on, come on, Was it right to leave? Come on, come on, Will I ever learn? Come on, come on, Come on, come on, Come on, come on * These men had a duty to Perform.
They were supposed to Be responding to a distress call From a member of the community They serve.
Instead, they Decided unbelievable, man.
To ignore that call to help Some wealthy white children Outside of the community.
Now, I'm not against helping Children, but once again, the City has ignored its citizens of Color.
I, for one, am calling For a full and thorough Investigation.
He's kidding, right? Every once in a while you see Something going down and you Have to make a snap judgment Call.
In this case, it was a man In distress.
Chest pains versus A bus load of kids.
And I made The call.
I didn't stop to think What color the kids were.
Black, White, green.
They're kids.
We Just did our job.
There has been no mention of An investigation from FDNY Headquarters, but we'll be Keeping an eye on this story in The days to come.
Back to you, Kim.
You believe this bullshit? This sucks, man.
I thought We'd be heroes after that save.
I'm the one that should be Complaining.
Did you see the Name up there? Jerry o'Reilly? Who the hell is that? I am done.
Look at that.
I'm Moving to the woods and eating Nuts and squirrels and then I'm Gonna set the woods on fire and Not tell anybody until it's too Late.
Look! "FDNY leaves man for Dead.
" Christ! Could be worse.
How? Could say: "Jerry o'Reilly Leaves man for dead.
" What? You know what, just for the Record, not all those kids were White.
OK? There was one black Kid.
No, I think he had a tan.
Nah, that wasn't a tan.
He Was Egyptian or something.
Egyptian? Yeah, from some other country Over there.
His old man was an Ambassador.
Well, why doesn't his father Step forward and say something? Give us some support.
Well, he would've, but he was Keeping a low profile.
Seems he Got mixed up in that diplomatic License plate bullshit or Something.
The embassy called, Though.
They're sending over a Fruit basket.
Hey, boys.
See the fruit? Yeah, we were just talking About the fruit.
Yeah? Hey, speaking of keeping a Low profile, I want you guys to Do the same.
Don't talk to Anybody about this.
Don't mix it Up with the neighbors if there's Any kind of a protest, huh? Little bit of luck, this thing Might just blow over.
All right? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have To go upstairs and get Perrolli's boot up my ass for Another half hour.
Save me some Papaya.
Hey, Tommy, can I Talk to you in the other room For a second? No.
Why? It's important.
No.
No.
Please? No! It's personal.
Oh, OK.
Well, then, of Course.
Hey, Lou, you mind giving us A minute? Blow me.
No, I'm serious, l so am I.
Why don't we go to the locker Room? It's private.
Garrity, I've already moved Once.
I'm not moving again.
Say What you have to say.
Get it Over with.
Let's go.
All right.
Jesus.
I just ahem.
A little while ago I did This thing I probably should've Asked you about and I didn't and I need you to promise me you're Not going to hit me.
Why would I hit you? Well, just listen.
I, uh, you know this girl that I've been, as you may know, been Dating, this woman, this lady, This person happens, um, to be my sister Maggie.
What? How the hell did you Know that? My dad's birthday party.
Yeah, but I didn't say Anything you gave yourself away.
What are you talking about? You took her cherry.
I took her cherry? Wait, wait, no offense, Guys, but this is Maggie we're Talking about, seems to me that Particular event might have Happened around fifth grade or ha ha.
Very funny.
Fourth grade.
You took her cherry three Times out of her drink, OK? You Took her cherry out.
That's a Very personal gesture.
Only Someone who knows somebody very Well would do that.
OK? You gave Yourself away.
OK.
Well, whatever.
The point is what I'm trying to Say is that I I'm in love with her, OK? You're in love with my sister Maggie? Yes.
OK.
Ow! Jesus, I thought you said You weren't going to hit me.
You just said you love her.
I do love her.
Son of a bitch! Four million women in new York city and you got to pick my Crazy sister.
She's nuts.
She's Certifiable.
You know what, Tom? You're Just jealous.
That's what you Are.
I'm jealous.
I am trying to Help you here.
Hypothetical.
You And I go to the zoo.
You climb Into the bear exhibit with a Stick and you start poking the Bear with the stick.
You'd Expect me to either pull you out Or call somebody for help, Right? Right.
OK.
It's the same situation, Except my sister's the bear and The stick is your cock.
Got it? Uh look, I don't care What you say, OK? I love her.
Are you crying over my Sister Maggie? No, I'm not.
You Just you hurt my nose.
Charles bronson.
Death wish.
Ahem.
Speaking of which, You have, uh, something you want To say to me? About what? OK.
Well, for one example, The other day when you were Talking to the probie and I came Up and tried to join the Conversation and you jumped down My goddamn throat.
You're waiting for an Apology? Yeah.
Keep waiting, pal.
All right.
Hey, what's up, kid? Hey.
I used to come out here everyday Around this time and have a Smoke.
Now I just come out and Breathe.
It sucks.
Any sign of trouble in the Neighborhood? Nah.
Nothing.
I guess nobody Reads the paper or watches the News around here, you know? Hey, Chief, you think it's weird that I'm seeing this older woman? Yeah.
Maybe.
I don't know.
She sure is a good-Looking Dame, Franco.
Yeah, but, you know, the age Thing.
Not to mention she's rich And I'm pretty much piss poor.
You're the one that's gotta Spend the time with her.
It Shouldn't much matter what I Think.
Or maybe that's the Issue.
It's all right, kid.
Oh! I'm so wasted! Aah! Whoo! Ha ha ha! Yeah, honey, I remember my First beer.
Larry, I'm going to take a Fiver.
My back is killing me.
Hey, grab a mop first.
You're Little friend the captain of the Cheerleading squad just lost her Shit in the urinal.
What the hell was she doing In the men's room? She doesn't know what state She's in, let alone what Bathroom.
Get on that, huh? Guys Go in and see puke in the Urinal, it's gonna set off a Chain reaction.
Then you're Gonna have a real mess on your Hands.
Right.
Hey, Jerry! I need ice.
How Many times I have to ask? You're next, sweetheart.
Right after the puke.
Hey, what the hell? What's Going on? Your father had like an old Man nostalgia panic attack and Went through all of the albums And then he fell down.
Is he all right? Yeah.
He went to the bathroom When I wasn't looking and then He fell down and hit his head on The toilet and I wouldn't let Him go to sleep because, you Know, when you have a concussion And you go to sleep, it's like right, right, right.
So, Where is he now? Sleeping.
Well, he was Begging me.
And I'm like, all Right.
You want to go to sleep, You might not wake up.
And he Goes, I don't care.
And I said, Fine, you know what? My hands Are clean.
Are you hungry? No.
I had a slice on the way Home.
So he's OK? Yes, he's fine! All right! Listen, if you want to worry About somebody, why don't you Worry about me? I got to sit Here and listen to him all day.
"I need a grandson, I need a Male heir.
I'm not gonna rest Until I have another Gavin in The FDNY.
" It is making me Crazy.
I know.
I'm sick of that Speech myself.
Anyway I think that, um, I have a Solution to the problem.
And which problem is this? The male heir situation.
OK.
What would that be? I thought about it from every Angle.
Mm-Hmm.
And, um it actually makes a lot of Sense to me.
Ahh.
What makes a lot of sense? You and me, we have a baby.
That's funny.
Don't laugh.
I'm being really Serious here because it would be Totally different, OK? There Would be no obligations, there Would be no entanglements.
I Would raise this child.
You Could see him whenever you Wanted to.
I wouldn't ask dollar One for support from you because I got all that widow money Sitting in the account Untouched.
I wouldn't need Anything from you.
I would raise This child.
He would graduate From high school bing, bang, Boom.
Right into probie school.
Yeah.
It be great, but What if it's a girl? You didn't think of that, did You? Ah, there's these things they Can do! Um, where they take your Eggs and they, um, scramble them And then the boy comes out.
Yeah.
OK.
I'm not interested In scrambled eggs, all right? Hey! Listen to me.
Not for Nothing, but the clock is A-Ticking for both of us.
My Eggs aren't going to be around Forever.
And whether you want to Admit it or not, the day's going To come when you're not going to Be able to deliver the wigglers.
The wigglers.
You heard me.
Yeah, OK.
Well all right.
Well, so, what are You gonna do? I have an appointment at the Sperm bank tomorrow.
They're Going to take some of my Wigglers and freeze them, so Whenever I want to use the Wigglers, I'll have plenty of Them to throw around.
All right? Oh, you're so disgusting.
It's practical.
When you want to talk about Something other than throwing Your sperm around, why don't you Call me? Oh! And by the way, you might Want to think about being nicer To black people.
Dude, look.
Power play.
Shit.
Those guys suck, man.
Yeah, tell me about it.
I'm taking off, jer.
Hey, Larry.
Birdie.
Birdie.
Not that I mind Lugging boxes up from the Basement all night and cleaning Up the girl puke, but I thought I was supposed to tend bar.
Yeah, that was the plan, but We got to wait for some shifts To open up first.
Look, Cindy's Talking about moving to a joint Downtown.
Right? You pick up her Shifts, you'll be pulling in More cash than you can count.
Hey, that's what I want to Talk to you about.
Is there any Chance of maybe getting paid Under the table? You know, keep Uncle sam out of it? I wish I could, man, but my Old lady's the accountant.
You Know? If everything's not above Board, she's going to bust my Balls more than she usually Does.
Hey, that reminds me.
I Need tax info from you like Social, all that stuff.
I can give it you right now.
No, no, just write it down.
I'll get it from you next time I See you.
And good job tonight.
Alicia, can we, um can we just mm-Hmm.
Sure.
But I wanted to Try maybe this little thing that I do with my tongue that we Haven't tried before? What little thing? Well, it's with my tongue and My teeth.
It doesn't hurt.
No, no, no.
Well, I mean it hurts, but in a Good way.
Shit.
I can't believe I'm about to say This.
What? Can we just, um, talk for a Second please? Sure.
Uh all right.
The thing is, That, um, this is all just you're feeling kind of Disoriented with the park view And the silk sheets and the Girlie soap and everything.
It's A little much when you come from Nothing, right? Well, yeah.
And also the age issue, because even Though I turn you on and I know Exactly what you want in bed, You're still thinking of banging College girls and you're Wondering if I know it.
I do.
Because, you know, you get to Know a lot of guys and you start To recognize patterns.
And I'm Boy and maybe 10 percent Neanderthal.
You know, and That's really not a very good Recommendation for a long-Term Relationship so? Because there's a little girl In the next room who thinks that You're just the greatest guy Since Adam and, well, I'm going To give you the benefit of the Doubt.
Oh.
You know, you just Said everything I wanted to say But better.
Tongue trick? Sure.
Cool.
I'm not gay.
Neither am I.
I mean, we live together and Everything, but it's not like we Sleep together or kiss or any of That shit.
Yeah.
It's just blowjobs.
And They don't count as sex anymore, So it's not like we're even Doing anything sexual.
Yeah, and definitely not Anything gay.
Exactly.
I'm just getting the blowjobs So I'm really not gay.
Are you saying I'm gayer than You? No.
Well, don't piss me off, Mike.
I'll beat your face in, Asshole.
Dude, if I'm not gay at all, How can you be gayer than me? Use your logic, dude.
Sorry, man.
So, you think you'll ever Want to try it? Try what? Going down on me.
No, dude.
Never.
That's cool.
Don't forget the old expression, Though.
Never say never.
No.
I'm saying never.
Loud And clear.
Why do you have to be a dick? Shut up.
You shut up! You shut up! You shut up! You shut up! Yeah? Hey, it's me.
Hello? Yeah.
Look, I hate to say this, but I think we need to get together And talk.
I've been talking to Lawyers and crunching numbers, And if I hire a lawyer to handle Things, there won't be any Numbers left to crunch.
So, as Much as I would love to screw You to the wall and leave you Penniless, it doesn't look like That'll be happening.
Hang on a second, OK? Hello? What do you want? Mags? You called me last night? Yes.
I wanted to talk to you About Sean.
John? I'm not getting into The middle of that bullshit.
The two of you are a bunch of Idiots as far as I'm concerned.
I'm talking about Garrity.
Sean Garrity.
Your boyfriend.
Who said he was my boyfriend? He did.
What a tool.
You gonna buy that? No.
I'm going to read this, And when I'm done reading this, I'm going to walk away.
God, people are so rude.
Hang on a second, mag.
All right.
Look, I can't talk Right now.
When do you want to Meet? Well, how's Tuesday at 4:00? I'll make sure that the girls Aren't here.
Colleen has bible Study, and I'll set up a Play date for katy.
All right.
Let me tell you One thing right now if I even Smell Johnny within two blocks Of that house he won't be.
Tuesday at 4:00.
Got to go.
Yeah? He's not my boyfriend.
Well, he thinks he is.
Listen, Tom, he's a sweet Kid.
Dumb as a box of rocks and Not the regular ones.
The dumb Ones.
He's not bad in the Sack, But that's about all there is to It.
So, you're not serious About him? Listen, Tommy, including Garrity, I got four guys in line Right now.
No five.
I just Started a thing with the new Super in my building.
Cute Mexican guy.
His name is nacho.
You know, like the snack.
Yeah.
That's cute.
He's in Love with you, you know.
Nacho? Not nacho! Garrity! Tell me something I don't Know.
They're all in love with Me, Tom.
It's like moths to a Flame.
Am I bad? You know, I'm just glad to Hear that you're not serious About him, you know? What are you doing? Calm down, punjab.
I'll give You a nickel.
God.
Bye.
Yeah? Hi.
It's me.
Look, I just Wanted to say I'm sorry about Last night.
Boy, it's crazy chick calling Day, isn't it? What did you say? Nothing.
What do you want? Listen, have you gone and Done the sperm thing yet? I'm on my way right now.
Why? How do they remove it from You? The sperm? You know, I think They go in above the knee with a Little tube and they suck the Cum right out of your leg.
I Don't what do you think? I mean, do they hook you up To some device or they have a penis pump.
No.
I Jerk off, OK? I jerk off into a Cup or, you know, a plastic ice Cube tray or something.
I don't Know.
Why? All right, all right.
That's What I thought.
Hang on.
Yeah? Hi.
Mr.
Gavin.
It's your Favorite teacher.
It really is crazy chick Calling day.
I need to see you right now.
I'm sorry, but I can't see You.
I'm on my way to a doctor's Appointment, all right? So it's nothing serious or Transmittable, I hope.
Well, it's just a a bunch of Normal, general check-Up things, But it's going to be like a few Hours.
I'm very, very busy.
I thought we had an Arrangement.
You know, if you Don't come over, I'm gonna have To call Damian.
Oh, God.
All right.
I might be able to Swing by your place.
I'm kind of In your neighborhood.
But I can Only stay 10 minutes.
I'll be waiting.
Don't be tardy.
Ohh.
What? Green light, jackass! You know, it's against the Law to drive and talk on your Cell phone in new York city? You Know that, right? Yes, I do.
I know that.
Look, I just have a little tiny Question for you.
What? When you're at the sperm bank And you are jerking off into a Cup, could you think of me? Why? Because then if we decide to Use the sperm at a later date to Have a child together, then it Would sort of be like we were Actually connected at the moment That it all started.
Hee hee hee.
Think of me! Hey! Hey, keela, brush your teeth.
Make that bed up there! No, you don't have to make The bed.
Mariana will do it.
And Leave the dishes, too.
She'll Take care of that.
OK.
You know, I am so in love With your daughter.
Did you hear what she said to Me? I was so moved.
Yeah, well, she asks Everybody to be her mommy, so OK.
I'm sorry alicia.
I didn't Mean that.
She she really likes You.
She does.
You know, you seem like You've been a dad forever.
I'm So impressed.
Yeah.
Well, don't be too Impressed.
Yeah, I freaked out, You know.
I couldn't handle it.
I put her up for adoption.
What? Yeah.
She got placed with This family these pigs you Know, all they cared about what Was their monthly check from the State.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
I was out of my mind.
So I stole her back.
What do you mean you stole Her? I just took her.
You took her? Yeah.
You know, people like That are never going to call the Cops.
They still get their check Every month.
No extra mouth to Feed so they're thrilled.
But, um, that's just between you And me.
OK? I think you're going to have To seal my lips.
I was just thinking the same Thing.
Keela, come on, sweetheart.
We're late.
Oh, my God.
You're a bad, bad boy.
Oh, Mrs.
Turbody.
Mmm! Mmm! Mrs.
Turbody! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Mrs.
Turbody! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh, ohh.
Sorry.
It's OK.
So, you'll be in here.
OK.
Take as long as you need, And then when you have your Deposit, bring it to the front And carl will catalog it.
OK.
Carl.
A little chilly in here, isn't It? I'll turn the heat up.
We have some reading material There if you need inspiration.
Thisis playboys.
Old playboys.
Don't you have anything a little More, you know I don't understand.
Something a little more more what? This will be fine.
Ahem.
All right.
Pal.
Let's get Going.
Hey, uh it's carl, right? Yes.
Um ahem.
I, uh I stopped and had sex on my way Over here so, um, I just wanted To let you know that, uh, this Isn't my normal volume you know, sperm-Wise.
I'm sure it's fine.
Well, it's just how ya doing? Uh it's also the cups are kinda big So it just seems like there's, You know, not that much in There.
I can take your Deposit now.
'Cause I was Thinking if you'd give me a new Cup, I could go home and, you Know, take care of my Business there and put it in the Fridge and bring it in first Thing in the morning.
No? No.
We need to make sure that Your, uh, deposit is fresh Before we freeze it.
Don't worry.
Everyone thinks It's not enough.
Oh, really? Yeah.
I'm sure it's a Perfectly normal amount.
Thank you.
Yeah this is really not Enough.
Can you come back tomorrow? Yeah.
I just want to point out that It's really cold in that room And you could use smaller cups And better magazines.
What's going on? Hmm? Ah, nothing, man.
Wow.
Look at him, huh? Yeah, he's dead to the world.
Yeah, that's good eating.
Goddamn pricks! It's not funny! God damn it! It's not! Ohh! Now that's funny! Yo.
Lou, boy, did you pick The wrong day to show up late To work, my man.
Chief was Sleeping in the break room, me And Tommy yeah.
You know, I heard.
There's pieces of lounger up and Down the street.
You know, you Could have gotten somebody Killed.
Goddamn bunch of Juvenile delinquents.
Yo, Lou, you need a hug or Something? Lighten up, buddy.
Hey, is that a nicotine patch I see? It's against the rules, My man.
I think you got to make A little cash deposit in the Kitty.
You know, why don't you mind Your own business, you stupid Spic? Excuse me? You heard me.
Yeah.
I heard you and I saw You.
Drunk off your ass the Other night, stumbling around in The street like some goddamn Bum.
Maybe I'm a stupid spic, Lou, but at least I've got my Personal shit together.
Ahem.
What's going on? Shh.
Quiet time.
Bullshit.
Yeah, OK.
You know what? I'm Not getting involved.
I'm just Relaying information here, OK? What, four other guys? Come On, that's crazy.
Yeah.
Crazy to you and me, But to a crazy person business As usual.
All right? What? Hey, look, the bear, the Stick? Does that ring a bell? You know, if she were dating Four other guys, I'd think I'd Know about it, OK? How would you know? I don't know.
Maybe there'd Be some other guys' underwear or Socks laying around? Underwear and socks? Yeah.
Yeah, you go with that plan.
Do yourself a favor.
Walk away From the relationship.
You know what, Tom? This is You just being you.
You know, Overprotective and not thinking I'm good enough for your Sister.
That is not the Issue, believe me.
Yes, it is.
Of course you're good enough For her.
Oh, really? So were the four other guys the underwear and the sock guys.
Very funny.
You know, don't Talk about her that way.
Don't put your hands on me.
Don't put your hands on me, You jerk.
Lay off! Bitch! My sister! She's my girlfriend.
Yeah.
One other thing, Asshole.
What? Don't tell her I mentioned This stuff to you, all right? Please? Sean? Hey, you work in there? Huh? You a fireman? Yeah.
That's from the neighborhood.
Come on! Yeah! Ohh! Cup? Ah! No! Aah! Shit! And? Actually, we just ran your Semen under the scope standard Procedure we've never seen this Before seems to be quite a bit Of dust in it.
It's been a long time.
Ahem.
See you tomorrow.
Ah! Uh! Hey! What do you think you're doing? Who the hell are you? What are you doing? I'm frying myself! That's what I'm doing.
Get Out of here.
It's a free country.
We can Both do it.
No way.
People will read About this in the paper! They'll think we're Cult members or a couple of Queers with some homo Suicide pact thing.
Take a hike, Wannabe! You hake a tike.
I was here first.
I'm going first! Why should you go first? I'm homeless! I got nothing! I got no friends, I got no Family.
My life is shit, man! My life is bigger shit, all Right? My wife, whom I love dearly, Left me for another man.
She Broke my heart and then she took Nearly everything that I owned, All right? And then I met Another woman.
Yeah.
Beautiful.
Young, gorgeous hooker, but one Of the good ones because she Didn't make me pay until the End.
And at the end she took Every penny that I had on earth.
And then get this.
I'm in a Porn store the other day, and Who do I see on the cover of a Triple x but her.
So, not only Is she a thief and a hooker, but She's a porn star to boot.
I'm a Joke.
I'm a loser.
I look in the Mirror, I want to puke.
Be my guest.
Excuse me? You win, loser.
You go first.
Thanks.
Who is it? It's Lou.
Open up.
Hey.
What's going on? It's like I know.
Did I wake you? I was up anyways.
What's Happened? I need some help.
Everything? Every cent I had.
I know what You're thinking.
I'm a moron.
At this advanced age, I mean, I Can't believe I didn't see it Coming.
Maybe I did.
I don't Even know anymore.
A gorgeous Girl like that, Tommy, she was So gorgeous.
What would she ever Want with a guy like me, I don't Know.
Well look at the bright side.
I mean, At least you got to bang a porn Chick for a couple of months.
I know.
I just found out Recently.
It didn't really help.
Well, you know what, pal.
Ahem.
I'd do anything I can to Help you.
I'm kind of strapped For cash right now.
I'm just wondering if I Can maybe just crash here for a Little while, you know.
I'm Living in this shithole basement Apartment with a jihad going on Upstairs 24/7.
I can't go back There.
You can take the master Bedroom.
I haven't been able to Sleep in it since she left Anyways.
I just need to rest.
You know? Clear my head.
All right.
You got it.
Mi casa es su casa.
That means, you know I know what it means, Tom.
Lou, um seriously if you're gonna be crying, You're gonna have to go.
Oh, God.
You're such an Asshole.
Goodnight.
Is he there? He's there.
All right.
Donaghy's.
Pete speaking.
It's Tom.
Hey, Tom.
How's things? It's great.
You got his gun? Got it.
Hey, what's up with Blowing off those black folks Uptown? First of all, there was an Egyptian kid stuck in that bus, OK? And he was blacker than Derek jeter.
Put him on.
Asshole? Dick face.
Be there, right? Uh-Huh.
How ya doing? Not too bad.
Couple of broken Ribs, busted tooth, piece of Cake.
It's too bad.
I was kinda Hoping it would be worse.
Screw you, Tommy.
Out.
No bullshit.
Yeah.
Like it was my idea to Do this.
Shithead.
Let me ask you something.
When did it start? Was it after Connor died and I asked you Personally as my brother to Look after my own kids and my Wife? Is that when it started, Huh? Was it like a month? Couple Of months? Last week? When did It start? It was your Junior prom.
When You brought Janet home so mom And dad could take pictures Of her.
She looked amazing in That dress, Tommy.
Drive safe.
Yeah, right.
Look, I think that we should Just go back to the terms that We had before when we spoke with Eddie.
OK? So you wanted the Plasma, which is fine, but I Would like the chaise lounge.
Hello? What? The chaise lounge.
It's the Chair that matches the couch.
You always said that you hated It because it was too long to Sit down on and too short to yeah, yeah.
It's fine.
And I'm concerned about the School that colleen's in this born again thing has me Really rattled so I thought I Might look at private schools, For which case I'm going to need A lot more money, but Johnny has Agreed to take care of it, but I Was hoping that if I needed any Extra, that I could come to you.
Yeah.
Are we having an actual Conversation here or is it me Just talking and you nodding Your head at everything that I Say? A little bit of both.
You are not going to bait me.
OK.
The dining room set.
I had Wanted it, but then I found this One and I like it, so I'll let You have the other one.
There's A watercolor that's in the Bedroom that was a gift from my Parents, so obviously that's Mine, and I was hoping that You could work out some Sort of monthly amount of money For you to help me with the Girls.
So, ahem.
Let me get this Straight.
You're going to let me Have the dining room table that I bought with the money I earned Running into burning buildings While other people are running Out of them.
Is that correct? Yeah.
Hey, Tommy! What the hell are you doing? Hey! God, does this make you feel More like a man! Huh? Uhh! Ohh! Ah! Ah! Aah! Ah.
Sorry about the shirt.
It wasn't one of my Favorites.
So you're OK about the chaise Lounge? Yeah, I'll have a couple of Guys pick it up and bring it Over.
Thanks.
If I know my brother, He's only a couple minutes away.
Probably with the gumball on the Roof, so, I, uh you want me to call you or no, um I'll call you.
* a very good friend of mine Said, son, dance to the Moonshine, dance to the dawn, Me and the boy had some fun When we danced to the moonshine, Danced to the dawn, And now that all of that Killing's done, Dance to the good cash money, Son, 'Cause I know I believe that Country air is the only thing That's fit to breathe, And all the things that I can See are breaking up all around Me, To far away * Janet? Janet! * and I can't see that star, And I can't hear that Thunder * Hey.
* out in the wild blue Yonder, The wild blue yonder, The wild blue yonder, The wild blue yonder *
I can't cover the nut But stand up and get yourself a Job before they toss her out in The street.
Hey, listen, is there any Chance you could float me that Money we talked about? I'm sorry, jer.
I'm tapped Out.
I was depending upon that Money for Jeanie Christ, Jerry, what do I look Like, a goddamn atm machine to You?! I saw your sign outside and I'm looking to pick up a couple Of extra bucks.
I am a little Bit rusty, but I used to pour it Down at mchale's.
You don't want to talk to me, You can talk to my new lawyer.
After this shit and the shit you Pulled the other night, I will Get it all the girls, the Money, the furniture, Everything.
You know, you've been acting Very unlou-Like lately, Lou.
What are you talking about? You want to help me? We're brothers.
Save this intervention for Somebody who gives a shit.
Has he talked to you about Maggie yet? No, God, no.
I was waiting For the right time, you know, Seems a little raw after the Whole Johnny thing.
He seems fine to me.
Yeah, but he was doing this Whole bristling thing.
He was bristling? Yeah.
He knows.
I think he might know.
If he knew, you'd be in a Body cast by now.
So, is this a gift from your Old lady? Sorry.
Girlfriend.
She's not old, Lou.
She's Older.
Older lady with a shitload of Money.
What's with the long face? What? What, Mrs.
Turbody? I'm in love with her, uncle Tommy.
You don't know what love is.
Why don't we discuss this off School grounds? Over drinks.
If I end that thing, I'm going To need another thing to take That thing's place.
Call me Mrs.
Turbody! Mrs.
Turbody! Yes! Oh, yes! Hey, did you see the kitty? Where? No, the smoking kitty.
I Checked it out this morning.
Almost 1,200 bucks.
Call it the can, OK? If you Can't call it the can, don't Call it anything.
Talk to your brother yet, Tom? No.
Piece of shit.
If he Knows what's good for him, he'll Stay outta my way from now until The time I leave this planet.
Yeah, that was a real beating You put into him the other Night.
Yeah.
Well, that's how we do It in the Gavin family.
Settle Things with our fists.
My uncles Did it, my aunts.
Even my Sisters.
One time when I was Like 9, my cousin liam threw my Batmobile in the toilet holy shit! Stop the truck, nils! What? Stop the truck! Stop the goddamn truck! You Guys see that? Is it a broad? It's a bus.
It's a school bus In the middle of the road.
Franco, we're in the Middle of a goddamn run.
We stop Here, we gotta clear it with Jerry first.
So clear it! What happened? There's a bus full of kids.
You guys are fast! I'm still on hold with 911.
I Think the kids might be hurt or Something.
Out of the way, guys.
Out of The way, out of the way.
We're stuck! It'll be OK, kids.
The seats are jamming up the Front.
We can't get in.
All right.
We're going up Top.
Probie, come on.
Nils, I need you to get the Partners over here right away.
Where are you? I'm gonna grab the portable Ladder, frank.
Stay calm, guys.
Contacted the dispatch that We've arrived at the scene at Move out of the way of the Window! Cover your heads with Your jackets! Go ahead! You got it? Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, mikey.
Here we go.
Hey, what about that other Job? Was it a fire? No, it wasn't a fire.
It was A cardiac.
72 truckers Responded to it.
All right, kids first.
OK.
Here you go, pal.
Come here, bud.
Ready? I got You.
Go ahead.
You got him? My arm hurts.
You play sports? No.
Then your arm's not Really an issue, now is it? There you go.
Keep your feet On the you have to help beth! You got her? Beth? Where's beth? In front.
OK.
There you go.
Probie? When you get done with her, come Inside and help the driver out, All right? OK.
Got it.
Beth! Beth! Oh, shit.
Probie? Yeah? We're gonna need the saw.
OK! Shit! All right, hang on, sweetheart.
Tommy, hold up a sec.
Hold up a sec, all right? What's going on out there, Lou? Listen, we got gas leaking Out here.
It's pooling up in the Street.
Do not use the partner Saw, do you hear me? Do not use The partner saw.
I don't want to wait, man.
Her leg's stuck under this pipe In here and she's in a lot of Pain.
We got Franco flying in with The saw.
Do not use it.
Copy That! One spark in the wrong Direction just hold off on the Goddamn saw.
Copy? All right.
You know what? Go.
What are you gonna do? Go.
Don't worry about it.
Hurry up.
All right.
All right, sweetheart.
Close Your eyes for me, OK? Where the hell is Franco? Shit! Hey, where were you? You Missed the explosion.
Sony pictures television.]
* on another day, Come on, come on, With these ropes I tied, Can we do no wrong? Now we grieve 'Cause now is gone, Things were good When we were young, With my teeth locked down I can see the blood Of a thousand men Who have come and gone, Now we grieve 'Cause now is gone, Things were good When we were young, Is it safe to say? Come on, come on, Was it right to leave? Come on, come on, Will I ever learn? Come on, come on, Come on, come on, Come on, come on * These men had a duty to Perform.
They were supposed to Be responding to a distress call From a member of the community They serve.
Instead, they Decided unbelievable, man.
To ignore that call to help Some wealthy white children Outside of the community.
Now, I'm not against helping Children, but once again, the City has ignored its citizens of Color.
I, for one, am calling For a full and thorough Investigation.
He's kidding, right? Every once in a while you see Something going down and you Have to make a snap judgment Call.
In this case, it was a man In distress.
Chest pains versus A bus load of kids.
And I made The call.
I didn't stop to think What color the kids were.
Black, White, green.
They're kids.
We Just did our job.
There has been no mention of An investigation from FDNY Headquarters, but we'll be Keeping an eye on this story in The days to come.
Back to you, Kim.
You believe this bullshit? This sucks, man.
I thought We'd be heroes after that save.
I'm the one that should be Complaining.
Did you see the Name up there? Jerry o'Reilly? Who the hell is that? I am done.
Look at that.
I'm Moving to the woods and eating Nuts and squirrels and then I'm Gonna set the woods on fire and Not tell anybody until it's too Late.
Look! "FDNY leaves man for Dead.
" Christ! Could be worse.
How? Could say: "Jerry o'Reilly Leaves man for dead.
" What? You know what, just for the Record, not all those kids were White.
OK? There was one black Kid.
No, I think he had a tan.
Nah, that wasn't a tan.
He Was Egyptian or something.
Egyptian? Yeah, from some other country Over there.
His old man was an Ambassador.
Well, why doesn't his father Step forward and say something? Give us some support.
Well, he would've, but he was Keeping a low profile.
Seems he Got mixed up in that diplomatic License plate bullshit or Something.
The embassy called, Though.
They're sending over a Fruit basket.
Hey, boys.
See the fruit? Yeah, we were just talking About the fruit.
Yeah? Hey, speaking of keeping a Low profile, I want you guys to Do the same.
Don't talk to Anybody about this.
Don't mix it Up with the neighbors if there's Any kind of a protest, huh? Little bit of luck, this thing Might just blow over.
All right? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have To go upstairs and get Perrolli's boot up my ass for Another half hour.
Save me some Papaya.
Hey, Tommy, can I Talk to you in the other room For a second? No.
Why? It's important.
No.
No.
Please? No! It's personal.
Oh, OK.
Well, then, of Course.
Hey, Lou, you mind giving us A minute? Blow me.
No, I'm serious, l so am I.
Why don't we go to the locker Room? It's private.
Garrity, I've already moved Once.
I'm not moving again.
Say What you have to say.
Get it Over with.
Let's go.
All right.
Jesus.
I just ahem.
A little while ago I did This thing I probably should've Asked you about and I didn't and I need you to promise me you're Not going to hit me.
Why would I hit you? Well, just listen.
I, uh, you know this girl that I've been, as you may know, been Dating, this woman, this lady, This person happens, um, to be my sister Maggie.
What? How the hell did you Know that? My dad's birthday party.
Yeah, but I didn't say Anything you gave yourself away.
What are you talking about? You took her cherry.
I took her cherry? Wait, wait, no offense, Guys, but this is Maggie we're Talking about, seems to me that Particular event might have Happened around fifth grade or ha ha.
Very funny.
Fourth grade.
You took her cherry three Times out of her drink, OK? You Took her cherry out.
That's a Very personal gesture.
Only Someone who knows somebody very Well would do that.
OK? You gave Yourself away.
OK.
Well, whatever.
The point is what I'm trying to Say is that I I'm in love with her, OK? You're in love with my sister Maggie? Yes.
OK.
Ow! Jesus, I thought you said You weren't going to hit me.
You just said you love her.
I do love her.
Son of a bitch! Four million women in new York city and you got to pick my Crazy sister.
She's nuts.
She's Certifiable.
You know what, Tom? You're Just jealous.
That's what you Are.
I'm jealous.
I am trying to Help you here.
Hypothetical.
You And I go to the zoo.
You climb Into the bear exhibit with a Stick and you start poking the Bear with the stick.
You'd Expect me to either pull you out Or call somebody for help, Right? Right.
OK.
It's the same situation, Except my sister's the bear and The stick is your cock.
Got it? Uh look, I don't care What you say, OK? I love her.
Are you crying over my Sister Maggie? No, I'm not.
You Just you hurt my nose.
Charles bronson.
Death wish.
Ahem.
Speaking of which, You have, uh, something you want To say to me? About what? OK.
Well, for one example, The other day when you were Talking to the probie and I came Up and tried to join the Conversation and you jumped down My goddamn throat.
You're waiting for an Apology? Yeah.
Keep waiting, pal.
All right.
Hey, what's up, kid? Hey.
I used to come out here everyday Around this time and have a Smoke.
Now I just come out and Breathe.
It sucks.
Any sign of trouble in the Neighborhood? Nah.
Nothing.
I guess nobody Reads the paper or watches the News around here, you know? Hey, Chief, you think it's weird that I'm seeing this older woman? Yeah.
Maybe.
I don't know.
She sure is a good-Looking Dame, Franco.
Yeah, but, you know, the age Thing.
Not to mention she's rich And I'm pretty much piss poor.
You're the one that's gotta Spend the time with her.
It Shouldn't much matter what I Think.
Or maybe that's the Issue.
It's all right, kid.
Oh! I'm so wasted! Aah! Whoo! Ha ha ha! Yeah, honey, I remember my First beer.
Larry, I'm going to take a Fiver.
My back is killing me.
Hey, grab a mop first.
You're Little friend the captain of the Cheerleading squad just lost her Shit in the urinal.
What the hell was she doing In the men's room? She doesn't know what state She's in, let alone what Bathroom.
Get on that, huh? Guys Go in and see puke in the Urinal, it's gonna set off a Chain reaction.
Then you're Gonna have a real mess on your Hands.
Right.
Hey, Jerry! I need ice.
How Many times I have to ask? You're next, sweetheart.
Right after the puke.
Hey, what the hell? What's Going on? Your father had like an old Man nostalgia panic attack and Went through all of the albums And then he fell down.
Is he all right? Yeah.
He went to the bathroom When I wasn't looking and then He fell down and hit his head on The toilet and I wouldn't let Him go to sleep because, you Know, when you have a concussion And you go to sleep, it's like right, right, right.
So, Where is he now? Sleeping.
Well, he was Begging me.
And I'm like, all Right.
You want to go to sleep, You might not wake up.
And he Goes, I don't care.
And I said, Fine, you know what? My hands Are clean.
Are you hungry? No.
I had a slice on the way Home.
So he's OK? Yes, he's fine! All right! Listen, if you want to worry About somebody, why don't you Worry about me? I got to sit Here and listen to him all day.
"I need a grandson, I need a Male heir.
I'm not gonna rest Until I have another Gavin in The FDNY.
" It is making me Crazy.
I know.
I'm sick of that Speech myself.
Anyway I think that, um, I have a Solution to the problem.
And which problem is this? The male heir situation.
OK.
What would that be? I thought about it from every Angle.
Mm-Hmm.
And, um it actually makes a lot of Sense to me.
Ahh.
What makes a lot of sense? You and me, we have a baby.
That's funny.
Don't laugh.
I'm being really Serious here because it would be Totally different, OK? There Would be no obligations, there Would be no entanglements.
I Would raise this child.
You Could see him whenever you Wanted to.
I wouldn't ask dollar One for support from you because I got all that widow money Sitting in the account Untouched.
I wouldn't need Anything from you.
I would raise This child.
He would graduate From high school bing, bang, Boom.
Right into probie school.
Yeah.
It be great, but What if it's a girl? You didn't think of that, did You? Ah, there's these things they Can do! Um, where they take your Eggs and they, um, scramble them And then the boy comes out.
Yeah.
OK.
I'm not interested In scrambled eggs, all right? Hey! Listen to me.
Not for Nothing, but the clock is A-Ticking for both of us.
My Eggs aren't going to be around Forever.
And whether you want to Admit it or not, the day's going To come when you're not going to Be able to deliver the wigglers.
The wigglers.
You heard me.
Yeah, OK.
Well all right.
Well, so, what are You gonna do? I have an appointment at the Sperm bank tomorrow.
They're Going to take some of my Wigglers and freeze them, so Whenever I want to use the Wigglers, I'll have plenty of Them to throw around.
All right? Oh, you're so disgusting.
It's practical.
When you want to talk about Something other than throwing Your sperm around, why don't you Call me? Oh! And by the way, you might Want to think about being nicer To black people.
Dude, look.
Power play.
Shit.
Those guys suck, man.
Yeah, tell me about it.
I'm taking off, jer.
Hey, Larry.
Birdie.
Birdie.
Not that I mind Lugging boxes up from the Basement all night and cleaning Up the girl puke, but I thought I was supposed to tend bar.
Yeah, that was the plan, but We got to wait for some shifts To open up first.
Look, Cindy's Talking about moving to a joint Downtown.
Right? You pick up her Shifts, you'll be pulling in More cash than you can count.
Hey, that's what I want to Talk to you about.
Is there any Chance of maybe getting paid Under the table? You know, keep Uncle sam out of it? I wish I could, man, but my Old lady's the accountant.
You Know? If everything's not above Board, she's going to bust my Balls more than she usually Does.
Hey, that reminds me.
I Need tax info from you like Social, all that stuff.
I can give it you right now.
No, no, just write it down.
I'll get it from you next time I See you.
And good job tonight.
Alicia, can we, um can we just mm-Hmm.
Sure.
But I wanted to Try maybe this little thing that I do with my tongue that we Haven't tried before? What little thing? Well, it's with my tongue and My teeth.
It doesn't hurt.
No, no, no.
Well, I mean it hurts, but in a Good way.
Shit.
I can't believe I'm about to say This.
What? Can we just, um, talk for a Second please? Sure.
Uh all right.
The thing is, That, um, this is all just you're feeling kind of Disoriented with the park view And the silk sheets and the Girlie soap and everything.
It's A little much when you come from Nothing, right? Well, yeah.
And also the age issue, because even Though I turn you on and I know Exactly what you want in bed, You're still thinking of banging College girls and you're Wondering if I know it.
I do.
Because, you know, you get to Know a lot of guys and you start To recognize patterns.
And I'm Boy and maybe 10 percent Neanderthal.
You know, and That's really not a very good Recommendation for a long-Term Relationship so? Because there's a little girl In the next room who thinks that You're just the greatest guy Since Adam and, well, I'm going To give you the benefit of the Doubt.
Oh.
You know, you just Said everything I wanted to say But better.
Tongue trick? Sure.
Cool.
I'm not gay.
Neither am I.
I mean, we live together and Everything, but it's not like we Sleep together or kiss or any of That shit.
Yeah.
It's just blowjobs.
And They don't count as sex anymore, So it's not like we're even Doing anything sexual.
Yeah, and definitely not Anything gay.
Exactly.
I'm just getting the blowjobs So I'm really not gay.
Are you saying I'm gayer than You? No.
Well, don't piss me off, Mike.
I'll beat your face in, Asshole.
Dude, if I'm not gay at all, How can you be gayer than me? Use your logic, dude.
Sorry, man.
So, you think you'll ever Want to try it? Try what? Going down on me.
No, dude.
Never.
That's cool.
Don't forget the old expression, Though.
Never say never.
No.
I'm saying never.
Loud And clear.
Why do you have to be a dick? Shut up.
You shut up! You shut up! You shut up! You shut up! Yeah? Hey, it's me.
Hello? Yeah.
Look, I hate to say this, but I think we need to get together And talk.
I've been talking to Lawyers and crunching numbers, And if I hire a lawyer to handle Things, there won't be any Numbers left to crunch.
So, as Much as I would love to screw You to the wall and leave you Penniless, it doesn't look like That'll be happening.
Hang on a second, OK? Hello? What do you want? Mags? You called me last night? Yes.
I wanted to talk to you About Sean.
John? I'm not getting into The middle of that bullshit.
The two of you are a bunch of Idiots as far as I'm concerned.
I'm talking about Garrity.
Sean Garrity.
Your boyfriend.
Who said he was my boyfriend? He did.
What a tool.
You gonna buy that? No.
I'm going to read this, And when I'm done reading this, I'm going to walk away.
God, people are so rude.
Hang on a second, mag.
All right.
Look, I can't talk Right now.
When do you want to Meet? Well, how's Tuesday at 4:00? I'll make sure that the girls Aren't here.
Colleen has bible Study, and I'll set up a Play date for katy.
All right.
Let me tell you One thing right now if I even Smell Johnny within two blocks Of that house he won't be.
Tuesday at 4:00.
Got to go.
Yeah? He's not my boyfriend.
Well, he thinks he is.
Listen, Tom, he's a sweet Kid.
Dumb as a box of rocks and Not the regular ones.
The dumb Ones.
He's not bad in the Sack, But that's about all there is to It.
So, you're not serious About him? Listen, Tommy, including Garrity, I got four guys in line Right now.
No five.
I just Started a thing with the new Super in my building.
Cute Mexican guy.
His name is nacho.
You know, like the snack.
Yeah.
That's cute.
He's in Love with you, you know.
Nacho? Not nacho! Garrity! Tell me something I don't Know.
They're all in love with Me, Tom.
It's like moths to a Flame.
Am I bad? You know, I'm just glad to Hear that you're not serious About him, you know? What are you doing? Calm down, punjab.
I'll give You a nickel.
God.
Bye.
Yeah? Hi.
It's me.
Look, I just Wanted to say I'm sorry about Last night.
Boy, it's crazy chick calling Day, isn't it? What did you say? Nothing.
What do you want? Listen, have you gone and Done the sperm thing yet? I'm on my way right now.
Why? How do they remove it from You? The sperm? You know, I think They go in above the knee with a Little tube and they suck the Cum right out of your leg.
I Don't what do you think? I mean, do they hook you up To some device or they have a penis pump.
No.
I Jerk off, OK? I jerk off into a Cup or, you know, a plastic ice Cube tray or something.
I don't Know.
Why? All right, all right.
That's What I thought.
Hang on.
Yeah? Hi.
Mr.
Gavin.
It's your Favorite teacher.
It really is crazy chick Calling day.
I need to see you right now.
I'm sorry, but I can't see You.
I'm on my way to a doctor's Appointment, all right? So it's nothing serious or Transmittable, I hope.
Well, it's just a a bunch of Normal, general check-Up things, But it's going to be like a few Hours.
I'm very, very busy.
I thought we had an Arrangement.
You know, if you Don't come over, I'm gonna have To call Damian.
Oh, God.
All right.
I might be able to Swing by your place.
I'm kind of In your neighborhood.
But I can Only stay 10 minutes.
I'll be waiting.
Don't be tardy.
Ohh.
What? Green light, jackass! You know, it's against the Law to drive and talk on your Cell phone in new York city? You Know that, right? Yes, I do.
I know that.
Look, I just have a little tiny Question for you.
What? When you're at the sperm bank And you are jerking off into a Cup, could you think of me? Why? Because then if we decide to Use the sperm at a later date to Have a child together, then it Would sort of be like we were Actually connected at the moment That it all started.
Hee hee hee.
Think of me! Hey! Hey, keela, brush your teeth.
Make that bed up there! No, you don't have to make The bed.
Mariana will do it.
And Leave the dishes, too.
She'll Take care of that.
OK.
You know, I am so in love With your daughter.
Did you hear what she said to Me? I was so moved.
Yeah, well, she asks Everybody to be her mommy, so OK.
I'm sorry alicia.
I didn't Mean that.
She she really likes You.
She does.
You know, you seem like You've been a dad forever.
I'm So impressed.
Yeah.
Well, don't be too Impressed.
Yeah, I freaked out, You know.
I couldn't handle it.
I put her up for adoption.
What? Yeah.
She got placed with This family these pigs you Know, all they cared about what Was their monthly check from the State.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
I was out of my mind.
So I stole her back.
What do you mean you stole Her? I just took her.
You took her? Yeah.
You know, people like That are never going to call the Cops.
They still get their check Every month.
No extra mouth to Feed so they're thrilled.
But, um, that's just between you And me.
OK? I think you're going to have To seal my lips.
I was just thinking the same Thing.
Keela, come on, sweetheart.
We're late.
Oh, my God.
You're a bad, bad boy.
Oh, Mrs.
Turbody.
Mmm! Mmm! Mrs.
Turbody! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Mrs.
Turbody! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh, ohh.
Sorry.
It's OK.
So, you'll be in here.
OK.
Take as long as you need, And then when you have your Deposit, bring it to the front And carl will catalog it.
OK.
Carl.
A little chilly in here, isn't It? I'll turn the heat up.
We have some reading material There if you need inspiration.
Thisis playboys.
Old playboys.
Don't you have anything a little More, you know I don't understand.
Something a little more more what? This will be fine.
Ahem.
All right.
Pal.
Let's get Going.
Hey, uh it's carl, right? Yes.
Um ahem.
I, uh I stopped and had sex on my way Over here so, um, I just wanted To let you know that, uh, this Isn't my normal volume you know, sperm-Wise.
I'm sure it's fine.
Well, it's just how ya doing? Uh it's also the cups are kinda big So it just seems like there's, You know, not that much in There.
I can take your Deposit now.
'Cause I was Thinking if you'd give me a new Cup, I could go home and, you Know, take care of my Business there and put it in the Fridge and bring it in first Thing in the morning.
No? No.
We need to make sure that Your, uh, deposit is fresh Before we freeze it.
Don't worry.
Everyone thinks It's not enough.
Oh, really? Yeah.
I'm sure it's a Perfectly normal amount.
Thank you.
Yeah this is really not Enough.
Can you come back tomorrow? Yeah.
I just want to point out that It's really cold in that room And you could use smaller cups And better magazines.
What's going on? Hmm? Ah, nothing, man.
Wow.
Look at him, huh? Yeah, he's dead to the world.
Yeah, that's good eating.
Goddamn pricks! It's not funny! God damn it! It's not! Ohh! Now that's funny! Yo.
Lou, boy, did you pick The wrong day to show up late To work, my man.
Chief was Sleeping in the break room, me And Tommy yeah.
You know, I heard.
There's pieces of lounger up and Down the street.
You know, you Could have gotten somebody Killed.
Goddamn bunch of Juvenile delinquents.
Yo, Lou, you need a hug or Something? Lighten up, buddy.
Hey, is that a nicotine patch I see? It's against the rules, My man.
I think you got to make A little cash deposit in the Kitty.
You know, why don't you mind Your own business, you stupid Spic? Excuse me? You heard me.
Yeah.
I heard you and I saw You.
Drunk off your ass the Other night, stumbling around in The street like some goddamn Bum.
Maybe I'm a stupid spic, Lou, but at least I've got my Personal shit together.
Ahem.
What's going on? Shh.
Quiet time.
Bullshit.
Yeah, OK.
You know what? I'm Not getting involved.
I'm just Relaying information here, OK? What, four other guys? Come On, that's crazy.
Yeah.
Crazy to you and me, But to a crazy person business As usual.
All right? What? Hey, look, the bear, the Stick? Does that ring a bell? You know, if she were dating Four other guys, I'd think I'd Know about it, OK? How would you know? I don't know.
Maybe there'd Be some other guys' underwear or Socks laying around? Underwear and socks? Yeah.
Yeah, you go with that plan.
Do yourself a favor.
Walk away From the relationship.
You know what, Tom? This is You just being you.
You know, Overprotective and not thinking I'm good enough for your Sister.
That is not the Issue, believe me.
Yes, it is.
Of course you're good enough For her.
Oh, really? So were the four other guys the underwear and the sock guys.
Very funny.
You know, don't Talk about her that way.
Don't put your hands on me.
Don't put your hands on me, You jerk.
Lay off! Bitch! My sister! She's my girlfriend.
Yeah.
One other thing, Asshole.
What? Don't tell her I mentioned This stuff to you, all right? Please? Sean? Hey, you work in there? Huh? You a fireman? Yeah.
That's from the neighborhood.
Come on! Yeah! Ohh! Cup? Ah! No! Aah! Shit! And? Actually, we just ran your Semen under the scope standard Procedure we've never seen this Before seems to be quite a bit Of dust in it.
It's been a long time.
Ahem.
See you tomorrow.
Ah! Uh! Hey! What do you think you're doing? Who the hell are you? What are you doing? I'm frying myself! That's what I'm doing.
Get Out of here.
It's a free country.
We can Both do it.
No way.
People will read About this in the paper! They'll think we're Cult members or a couple of Queers with some homo Suicide pact thing.
Take a hike, Wannabe! You hake a tike.
I was here first.
I'm going first! Why should you go first? I'm homeless! I got nothing! I got no friends, I got no Family.
My life is shit, man! My life is bigger shit, all Right? My wife, whom I love dearly, Left me for another man.
She Broke my heart and then she took Nearly everything that I owned, All right? And then I met Another woman.
Yeah.
Beautiful.
Young, gorgeous hooker, but one Of the good ones because she Didn't make me pay until the End.
And at the end she took Every penny that I had on earth.
And then get this.
I'm in a Porn store the other day, and Who do I see on the cover of a Triple x but her.
So, not only Is she a thief and a hooker, but She's a porn star to boot.
I'm a Joke.
I'm a loser.
I look in the Mirror, I want to puke.
Be my guest.
Excuse me? You win, loser.
You go first.
Thanks.
Who is it? It's Lou.
Open up.
Hey.
What's going on? It's like I know.
Did I wake you? I was up anyways.
What's Happened? I need some help.
Everything? Every cent I had.
I know what You're thinking.
I'm a moron.
At this advanced age, I mean, I Can't believe I didn't see it Coming.
Maybe I did.
I don't Even know anymore.
A gorgeous Girl like that, Tommy, she was So gorgeous.
What would she ever Want with a guy like me, I don't Know.
Well look at the bright side.
I mean, At least you got to bang a porn Chick for a couple of months.
I know.
I just found out Recently.
It didn't really help.
Well, you know what, pal.
Ahem.
I'd do anything I can to Help you.
I'm kind of strapped For cash right now.
I'm just wondering if I Can maybe just crash here for a Little while, you know.
I'm Living in this shithole basement Apartment with a jihad going on Upstairs 24/7.
I can't go back There.
You can take the master Bedroom.
I haven't been able to Sleep in it since she left Anyways.
I just need to rest.
You know? Clear my head.
All right.
You got it.
Mi casa es su casa.
That means, you know I know what it means, Tom.
Lou, um seriously if you're gonna be crying, You're gonna have to go.
Oh, God.
You're such an Asshole.
Goodnight.
Is he there? He's there.
All right.
Donaghy's.
Pete speaking.
It's Tom.
Hey, Tom.
How's things? It's great.
You got his gun? Got it.
Hey, what's up with Blowing off those black folks Uptown? First of all, there was an Egyptian kid stuck in that bus, OK? And he was blacker than Derek jeter.
Put him on.
Asshole? Dick face.
Be there, right? Uh-Huh.
How ya doing? Not too bad.
Couple of broken Ribs, busted tooth, piece of Cake.
It's too bad.
I was kinda Hoping it would be worse.
Screw you, Tommy.
Out.
No bullshit.
Yeah.
Like it was my idea to Do this.
Shithead.
Let me ask you something.
When did it start? Was it after Connor died and I asked you Personally as my brother to Look after my own kids and my Wife? Is that when it started, Huh? Was it like a month? Couple Of months? Last week? When did It start? It was your Junior prom.
When You brought Janet home so mom And dad could take pictures Of her.
She looked amazing in That dress, Tommy.
Drive safe.
Yeah, right.
Look, I think that we should Just go back to the terms that We had before when we spoke with Eddie.
OK? So you wanted the Plasma, which is fine, but I Would like the chaise lounge.
Hello? What? The chaise lounge.
It's the Chair that matches the couch.
You always said that you hated It because it was too long to Sit down on and too short to yeah, yeah.
It's fine.
And I'm concerned about the School that colleen's in this born again thing has me Really rattled so I thought I Might look at private schools, For which case I'm going to need A lot more money, but Johnny has Agreed to take care of it, but I Was hoping that if I needed any Extra, that I could come to you.
Yeah.
Are we having an actual Conversation here or is it me Just talking and you nodding Your head at everything that I Say? A little bit of both.
You are not going to bait me.
OK.
The dining room set.
I had Wanted it, but then I found this One and I like it, so I'll let You have the other one.
There's A watercolor that's in the Bedroom that was a gift from my Parents, so obviously that's Mine, and I was hoping that You could work out some Sort of monthly amount of money For you to help me with the Girls.
So, ahem.
Let me get this Straight.
You're going to let me Have the dining room table that I bought with the money I earned Running into burning buildings While other people are running Out of them.
Is that correct? Yeah.
Hey, Tommy! What the hell are you doing? Hey! God, does this make you feel More like a man! Huh? Uhh! Ohh! Ah! Ah! Aah! Ah.
Sorry about the shirt.
It wasn't one of my Favorites.
So you're OK about the chaise Lounge? Yeah, I'll have a couple of Guys pick it up and bring it Over.
Thanks.
If I know my brother, He's only a couple minutes away.
Probably with the gumball on the Roof, so, I, uh you want me to call you or no, um I'll call you.
* a very good friend of mine Said, son, dance to the Moonshine, dance to the dawn, Me and the boy had some fun When we danced to the moonshine, Danced to the dawn, And now that all of that Killing's done, Dance to the good cash money, Son, 'Cause I know I believe that Country air is the only thing That's fit to breathe, And all the things that I can See are breaking up all around Me, To far away * Janet? Janet! * and I can't see that star, And I can't hear that Thunder * Hey.
* out in the wild blue Yonder, The wild blue yonder, The wild blue yonder, The wild blue yonder *