Shoresy (2022) s03e04 Episode Script

(Bulldogs shouting indistinctly)
(Shoresy): Let's crush beers!
Everybody fuckin'
crushin' beers!
(shouting continues)
Let's just crush beer!
Let's crush beer!
(shouting continues)
Hey! Get a fuckin' beer
in ya! Let's crush beers!
- Hey!
- Quoi?
We came in the Sudbury
Blueberry Bulldogs,
and we leave
the best team in
the league, ever!
(Bulldogs cheer loudly)
Shoresy, how do you
feel when we lose?
- I wanna kill myself.
- That's maybe a bit extreme.
- No, really, I wanna die.
- We get it, slut.
I'm serious. I go to bed
at night thinking maybe
it's better if I don't wake
up, 'cause at least then
I wouldn't be a fucking loser.
- That is why
we must celebrate the win.
- Fuckin' right!
- Relish the victories!
(team): Yeah!
And commemorate the triumphs!
(Bulldogs cheer uproariously)
So
we planned a little
party for you guys
when we get back to
Sudbury. (Bulldogs cheer)
But there is one rule.
- A rule? What?
- What?
(Nat): And the rule is
- What the fuck?
You have to have fun!
(team): Yeah!
(cheering)
(Shoresy): You fuckin'
got me. I was like, rules?
We hate rules. No way.
Yeah, but the rule
was to have fun!
- Like, if that's the rule
- Then it's gonna be
a good party.
- I totally thought you were
comin' in with some
fuckin' bummer rule,
and now we're really
just gonna crush beers.
(team): Yeah! Woo!
No one will ever set
this record again, sluts.
They can only tie
it. (team): Yeah!
We have the best team
in the league, ever!
(team): Yeah! (cheering)
Let's celebrate appropriately!
(Shoresy): Fuck yeah!
(Bulldogs cheer)
(Nat): You guys have the
bus all night to safely
take you anywhere.
- No way.
So, I'll see you at home!
(Bulldogs cheer uproariously)
(upbeat club music plays)
Well Sanger, let's go
'til we can't go no more.
(team cheering)
(music continues)
(♪)
(music stops)
24-0!
(team cheering indistinctly)
Yo, hey! Hey, hey! We
should bring the cup.
- No.
- Just crush beers out of it.
- That's sacrilege, Shoresy.
- Who cares? We fuckin' won it.
We can do what the
fuck we want with it.
(speaking French)
- Who cares?
- Bit of a limbo period here
between the regular season
and the playoffs, boys.
- Let's bring the cup.
- It's technically still ours!
- Let's bring it!
- Bring the cup.
Just crushin' beers!
(upbeat club music resumes)
(Shoresy snoring)
(club music plays in background)
Shoresy, you fuckin' schmelt.
- What're you doin' back there?
- Who?
What are you doing back there?
Blow.
Shoresy. (Shoresy):
Just crushin' beers.
Get up, you fuckin' plug.
(Shoresy): Hammerin' beers.
Shoresy, I've got my tits out.
(Shoresy): Just crushin' beers.
- He is fucked.
We can give him a
little bit of this.
We can't put it
up there for him.
Oh, I can. Shoresy, babe,
you want a little nose beer?
(crowd cheering)
(Dolo): Thank you, thank
you, thank you, thank you.
What it do, what it does. I go
by the name JoDolo. Sudbury.
Thank you all for coming through. I'd
like to get a massive round of applause
for the amazing, beautiful,
and super-talented
Eva Shaw, baby. Thank
you, thank you, thank you.
(crashing)
I just wanna say
a few words here.
- And now
- I just wanna say a few
And now the captain of the
Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs
would like to say a few
words I guess, so, Shoresy!
Can I say a few words here?
I just wanna say a few words
here. Wanna say a few words
here to every one of us here.
Every one of us here. So,
yeah, so, you all came out
tonight, that's good.
'Cause we're doing good.
It's nice everybody came
out tonight. That's good.
'Cause we're doing good.
So yeah, so, where the fuck
were all of you when
we were doing bad? Huh?
It's like you're here when we're
good, but not when we're bad? Huh?
Didn't see any of you when
Nat was gonna fold the team.
I said, "Didn't see any
of you when Nat was gonna"
"fold the team." When you
were gonna fold the team.
'Cause she was gonna fold
team. I said, "Where the fuck"
"were you last year
when we were bad?" Huh?
"Where the fuck were all you
last year when we were bad?"
- Yeah.
- I said, "Good to see everybody
out tonight, that's good.
'Cause we're playing good."
- We heard you, bro!
- Well, that's good.
'Cause we're playing good.
- Yes.
I said, "So, you're
here when we're good",
but not when we're bad?"
- We heard you.
I said, "You're here
when we're good,
but not when we're bad?"
"But not when we're bad?"
Do you wanna borrow a bit
of ChapStick, Shoresy?
I said, "But oh, everybody's
here tonight. That's good."
"But oh, everybody's here
tonight, that's good."
"Oh, that's good, everybody's
here tonight, that's good."
I said, "Fuck you."
"Fuck you."
(deep voice): "Fuck you."
(normally): I said, "Fuck you."
What do you think of that, Jim?
- Yeah.
- Jim?
- Yes.
- Jim?
- I'm with you, Shoresy.
Always got your back, buddy.
- Is he high?
I think he's high.
- Where have you been, lady?
- Yeah, we thought you'd left.
- Just had a quick bite.
- Is he high?
- He is?
- I think he's high.
- So, he's high.
- Confirmed, you guys,
he is definitely high.
- Who was he doing that with?
- Me and Frankie.
- You were with Frankie?
(Ziig): Is there anymore?
- He's gonna fuck this all up.
Drugs kill dreams.
He needs something else.
I don't think he
needs anything else.
I mean to even him out.
Do you have anything?
Just take off the
edge a little bit.
Soften him up.
I do.
(club music plays in background)
(sighs)
I feel great.
- Do you?
- Huh?
- I feel great, too.
- Knows, b'ys. Knows.
This might be the greatest
I've ever felt after winning.
What do you think of that, Jim?
- Yeah.
- Jim?
- Yes.
- Jim?
- Jim's arm is touching my arm
and usually I'd pull my arm
away when that happens but
Right now, it doesn't feel
like the end of the world.
What did you give them?
Oh, um
Ya just pop open one
of these bad boys.
- Oh, no, no. No, I'm good.
- All right.
And then you wait
about half an hour.
- Hmm.
- I think I'll have
what they're having.
- You gave this to all of them?
Yeah, about a half hour ago.
Oh, you already had it.
- What if I did that?
- That's okay.
- Hmm?
- That's all right.
It's pretty good.
Thanks for asking.
What if you did
that to me, Sanger?
- Right now?
- Whenever you want to. It's all good.
What's goin' on with
your eye there, Shoresy?
Maybe we all massage
each other, I don't know.
- Massage each other?
- Yeah.
So, we're all gettin' a
massage and givin' a massage.
Maybe we should see if
it feels just as good
if we just do it to ourselves.
No.
This is better?
- Is it?
- It is, yeah.
- What did you give them?
- No! We don't wanna know.
You're right. I don't
think we wanna know.
Do they have any more?
I don't think we
should be seeing this.
- Why not?
- Uh, I don't think
I can unsee this. (Hitch):
B'ys, a massage never
felt so good as what this does.
(Jim 1): Yeah.
- It's too weird.
Yeah, it is too weird.
(players moaning)
- Just weird enough.
(Nat): Nope.
I'm really hot.
Is anyone else really hot?
- Yeah.
- Huh?
Take your jacket off.
I don't wanna take
my jacket off.
- Why not?
- I like my jacket.
What about your pants, old man?
Well, I don't like
my pants as much
as I like my
jacket. What's good?
- Well, take your pants off.
- I don't wanna be the only
guy with my pants off. (Jim
2): Mustn't be that hot then.
Boys, I've had my pants off
for the last minute and a half.
I think that's where
I feel the most hot.
'Kay, b'ys, I'm
takin' off me pants.
I'm taking off my pants.
Well, should we all
take our pants off?
- Yeah.
- Huh?
Shoresy, if your eye
didn't look so funny,
I might be worried.
- What's good?
What about our shoes and socks?
B'ys, let's start with our pants
and see how we feels.
- No worries,
it's just you have to take your
shoes off to take your pants off,
but we can put 'em right
back on. That's easy.
I feel great.
(Mercedes): Yo!
Can we go dance?
(energetic club music)
(music stops abruptly)
(Shoresy): Is anybody
else really hot?
- I'm really hot.
- You too?
- Yeah.
- Huh?
I'm really hot.
Like, really hot or just hot?
- Really hot.
- Huh?
Lard Jaysus, I'm boilin'
by the Lard Jaysus.
I think we should
take our jackets off.
(Shoresy): I don't wanna
take my jacket off.
B'ys I took me jacket off
and I'm still hot by
the jackal or Jaysus.
I like my jacket.
I took my shirt and jacket off,
and I'm still really hot.
- Did you?
- Did I what?
- Oh.
Yeah, I can see you took
your jacket and shirt off.
B'ys I never been
so hot as this.
I think it's my hair.
Know what? (Hitch):
Your hair, bud?
- Uh-huh.
- On your head?
I think it's the hair.
What're you gonna do
about it, old man?
Cut it off! Yeah!
You're gonna cut your hair off?
- Yeah.
- On your head?
Wait Yeah.
That's what's makin'
ya cook, me son.
Starting to think I'm gonna
be hot for the rest of my life
at this point.
- You don't want that.
- Nope.
- Gotta do somethin' about that.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair.
You know what I like
about you, Michaels?
No, I have no idea!
Well, the apartment's
right there.
Who's gonna cut your hair?
(curious electronic music plays)
Yeah, like it's only really
hot like, right there.
- The sides are good, old man?
- The sides feel fine.
- Just like your eye?
- It's just the top for me.
Yeah, like I wish the
top felt like the sides.
Like, if the sides
felt like the top
then we wouldn't be here.
- We'd be in business.
- That's the pickle.
- Let's just start with the top.
Here we go, Dolo.
(Hitch): To start.
- We got any OJ?
Yeah, like we don't wanna cut
off more hair than we have to.
Be so dumb.
- Yeah, we're not idiots.
I would just love a
glass of Sunny Delight.
Yeah, Dolo, start with that
and we'll see if he cools down.
(razor buzzing)
(music intensifies)
Feel like I feel it already.
Night and day.
(Hitch): B'y, he really
didn't cut that much.
Well, he better keep cuttin'.
(razor buzzing)
(razor clicks off)
That's it.
- Yes, b'y.
That's the ticket.
(Hitch): Well, let's go!
(music intensifies)
(music stops)
It's like I'm still
just like a wee bit hot.
Wanna go swimming?
(music resumes)
(gasps)
- What time is it?
Time for a beer.
We should be just
crushin' beers.
Could use a beer.
- Yeah.
- Jim?
- Yes.
- Jim?
Safe to say, good fun was had
by all here, but I
think we could've
picked a colder pool.
Probably all hands are
peeing in here too, b'y.
- Yep.
- Yep.
- Yes, sir.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I did it.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Just finishing one
up here, actually.
I'm so fuckin' hot,
I could take a header
into Ramsey Lake.
- It's all ice, big guy.
Could use some ice.
Where's Laura tonight, Shoresy?
She said I'm too old for this.
She said she's too old for this?
No, she said I'm
too old for this.
What do you think
of that, old man?
Go 'til ya can't go no more!
Well then let's go.
Where there's beers and ice.
("Home" by Baauer ft.
Bipolar Sunshine plays)
Never feeling is endless ♪
I'm flying, I fly
with no propellers ♪
Too much on the
line to risk the win ♪
So I won't let the
doors close within ♪
The morning, the morning
just turned to evening ♪
The mirror, the mirror
can tell that I'm leaving ♪
The baby's just too
strong to hold in ♪
I'm on my way so
don't change your PIN ♪
So maybe I go home ♪
So maybe I go home ♪
So maybe I go home ♪
(♪)
(music ends abruptly)
(children laughing)
(Michaels): So, before we
wrap up, I just wanna thank
everyone for coming
out to today's webinar.
I see a lot of new
faces, which is exciting.
(Shoresy imitates snoring)
(children laugh)
(Michaels): So, hopefully,
next time, we can have a
real face-to-face seminar.
- It is.
- Why is this a webinar?
'Cause they're in school, idiot.
(children laugh)
Any questions?
What happened to your hair?
(Shoresy): Well, kids, we all
make bad decisions in our lives,
but when we do, it's important
we hold ourselves accountable.
We all made a bad decision
by cutting our hair
like f
friggin' idiots.
(children laugh)
So, as punishment, we're
not allowed to fix it
until we win the National
Senior Tournament.
What if you don't
win the tournament?
(Shoresy): We stay
ugly. (children laugh)
But maybe your moms text
me just a little bit less.
Thanks, everyone!
(children): Thank
you. (call clicks off)
(Nat): Fuck you, Shoresy.
Anyone hearin' how fucking
dumb these twins
from 'Berta are?
Yeah. (shoresy burps)
(Laura): The Freezer Twins,
Mike and Matt.
Yes.
No, I'm Mike.
Gentlemen, tell us
the keys to the game.
What game? (Laura):
Okay, Mike.
- Yes.
- No.
How do you win
this game tonight?
Skate, shoot.
- Stick handle.
- Matt.
- Yes.
- You're the best hitters
in the tournament. How many
guys have you hurt so far?
(inaudible)
(Laura): But you're
winless through two games
and a loss tonight to the
Bulldogs would leave you
officially eliminated.
You've driven all the
way from Brooks, Alberta.
What is that, 30 hours?
- One time I did it in a day.
Doesn't have to be
an exact number.
(inaudible)
(Laura): You're no doubt
disappointed with the outcome.
Matt's cat died, too.
- You can ballpark it.
- Okay. Switching gears.
How do you like Sudbury?
- Ontario?
Holy shit.
Okay, you've hurt a lot of guys.
They've hurt a lot of guys.
(rousing rock music plays)
Fuck am I happy to see you.
- Fer what?
I had both Friesen twins today.
I hear they're just
dumber than fuck.
If they were geese, they'd
fly north for the winter.
Anik Archambault
for BROdude Sports
with the captain of the
Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs.
Shoresy, you're the heavy
favorite going into this one.
A win would eliminate
the Brooks Barrelmen.
How do you plan to knock
off the twins from Alberta?
- They as dumb as I'm hearing?
- No comment.
Well, we wanna get these
guys on their heels early,
and if we're gonna do that, I
think we hit 'em with a little
Grade 3 math. You know,
multiplication tables,
adding three-digit numbers,
maybe some decimal placements
in there, stuff like that.
- Wise.
- Yeah, and if that doesn't
do it, I think maybe we hit 'em
with some Grade 4 astronomy,
you know, planets
in our solar system,
identifying the big dipper.
We'll throw the whole
playbook at 'em.
- Good plan.
Yep. And if that doesn't work,
if we still need a dagger,
I think most of the boys
consider sex-ed teachable.
You're all rumored to be
playing hurt except Frankie.
I'm sure the Bulldogs would
like a little more outta him.
- Mm-hmm.
- What about you, still hurt?
Just 'cause I can't
push when I shit?
I heard rumblings, and
now our audience has too.
What an entertainer.
So, you ready to go?
- Go 'til you can't go no more.
- Good luck.
Thanks, Anik.
(player): Hey, hey.
(crowd jeers)
(players crashing)
You're gonna get it, Friesen!
You're gonna fuckin'
get it, Friesen!
(crowd jeers)
Give 'em the Jims, Sanguinet.
- Not until we get the lead.
(crowd jeers)
- You get that, Cor?
- Hard to miss, Liam.
(buzzer honks)
- What're we doin', Sanguinet?
- Playing disciplined hockey.
Yeah, while they're out
there runnin' around?
- This is playoff hockey.
- No one comes in here
and runs around like that
- Stay disciplined.
- It doesn't add up.
- Shut up!
Shut up and keep walkin'.
And what the fuck are you doin'?
Quoi?! Do something!
You're the only one
not fuckin' hurt.
- Stay outta the box!
- No one comes in here,
runs around like that, Sanguinet.
- Score a fucking goal!
What happened to
setting the tone?
You wanna win? Score a goal!
That's fuckin' interference!
(Ref.): Yeah, Shoresy!
That's fuckin' interference!
He didn't fucking
touch the puck.
No one comes in here and
runs around like that,
Sanguinet. No one's
ever come in here
and run around like that.
- You wanna fight? Get the lead.
- Someone's gonna get hurt.
- Score a goal!
Just send the Jims and
send a fuckin' message.
Get the fuckin' lead.
Just set the tone in the first.
- Shut the fuck up, Shoresy.
- Fuck you.
Fuck you. (Liam):
You on Shoresy
and Sanguinet going
at each other here?
Yeah, buddy.
Put out the fucking Jims!
(Sanguinet): How 'bout
you get a fucking goal?
(Cory): I've never seen 'em
go at each other like that.
(puck clangs on post)
(crowd cheers)
Attaboy, Goody! There's
your lead, Sanguinet.
Get control of
this fucking game.
- That's the ref's job.
- You wanted a lead.
- It's one fucking goal.
- It's a lead!
- That's not a fucking lead!
- Holy fuck, Sanguinet!
Shut the fuck up, Shoresy.
(Shoresy): Go Fishy, bury it.
(crowd cheers)
(horn bellows)
- Jims, go.
What the fuck do you
think you're doing?
- You wanted a lead.
- You don't call the lines
That's a fucking
lead, Sanguinet.
(Sanguinet): That's the worst fucking lead.
- Are you fucking serious
right now, bud?
- Two-goal lead is the worst
fucking lead in hockey.
- You're the worst
fucking coach in
hockey right now.
- Then you go.
- Yeah, I fucking will go.
You should be coaching
fucking soccer. Fuck's sake.
Sit him down, Sanger.
He's too hurt.
- Now you too?
- Friesen! Friesen!
Ya like your fuckin' teeth?
Hey, you like your
fuckin' teeth?
I'll knock every single one
outta your fuckin' mouth.
I'm not kiddin'. Keep
fuckin' runnin' around.
See what fuckin' happens. I'll
knock every fuckin' tooth
(Cory): Shoresy's out of
his fuckin' mind right now.
(Shoresy): Keep it up.
- Playin' with fire.
Try it. Keep runnin'.
Keep fuckin' runnin'.
Hey, hey, hey!
Dolo! Dolo!
(crashing)
(crowd jeers)
(jeering echoes then fades)
(indistinct hollow chatter)
- We win?
- Still a period to go, old man.
Shoresy
You ready to be on TV?
I can't go.