The Brady Bunch (1969) s03e04 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
( Jazzy rendition
of Brady Bunch theme plays )
♪
♪
Greg, watch the
watch out for the wagon now.
Don't go on the grass.
( Sighs )
How did I do?
Well, you did fine.
I'm proud of you.
You really mean it?
Anybody who can navigate
the Brady obstacle course
without a major collision
is ready for anything.
I hope I do as well tomorrow
when I take that driver's test.
No, you'll do fine.
( Both laughing )
I wish you kids
would keep your junk out of the driveway.
"Kids"?
Look who's calling who "kids."
When you're old enough to drive a car,
you're not a kid anymore.
Oh, big man.
Look, for your information,
they don't give a license to just anybody.
And in 24 hours,
I'm going to have one that says.
"Greg Brady, qualified driver."
If you pass the test.
( Snickers )
( Girls laughing )
He can't even unbuckle his seat belt.
MARCIA: Great driver.
Oh, you've got it.
I've been looking all over for it.
Oh, boy, there sure are a lot of rules
and regulations.
You got to know this whole thing exactly.
Even if I could learn the written part,
I'd still have a problem.
Why's that?
I don't know how to drive.
You mean you've never driven?
Only shopping carts.
Over 100,000 miles, only one accident.
If you want to learn,
I could teach you easily.
Oh, you really think so?
Oh, sure. Come on.
Yeah. We'll use these. Okay.
This will be the driver seat. All right.
The passenger seat.
I'll fasten my seat belt, huh?
( Chuckles )
Okay.
This will be your steering wheel.
Oh, that is some classy steering wheel.
( Imitates engine idling ) Hold it.
What's the matter?
You forgot to turn on the engine.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Huh, ah, ah, ah
Hold it. Hold it.
What's the matter now?
You can't just pull away from the curb
without checking behind you.
You have a rearview mirror
up here and over there,
and check over your shoulder.
Eh, eh, eh, all right. Now
( imitates engine idling )
( Chuckles )
That's a nice, quiet engine.
You're doing fine.
Thank you.
You better watch it now, Alice.
You're on the freeway.
Freeway? Oh, no, you don't catch me
Alice, hang onto the wheel.
( Humming )
ALICE: Look out!
What are you doing, Alice?
I'm driving.
In the kitchen?
No, on the freeway.
It's my first driving lesson.
We'd better get out of here.
Yeah. This is no place for pedestrians.
( Sighs )
I thought I heard the car drive up.
What's taking Greg so long?
There will be no living with him
once he gets his license.
Well, look, Marcia,
I wouldn't tease him if I were you.
I mean, you're going
to be getting your license
in another year or two.
Boy, they'll give a license to anybody.
Is that so?
Yeah. Cool it.
( Door closing )
MARCIA: Hi, Greg.
( Mumbles ): Hi.
Oh, uh, Dad had to go back to the office.
He said he'd be home in time for dinner.
You don't have to tell us, Greg.
We can tell by the look on your face.
A lot of people don't pass
the first time, honey.
What did the man say?
The man
said to show you this.
Oh, you!
It's your license.
Congratulations!
Boy, that was pretty sneaky
putting us on like that.
But we'll let you drive us around anyway.
Yeah, congratulations.
Thanks.
Oh, that's great.
Well, look, you know, I promised you
you can drive my car once in a while,
and I'm sure your father
will let you drive his, too.
You and Dad don't have
to worry about that anymore.
What do you mean?
Now that I'm an official driver,
I'll buy a car of my own.
A car of your own!
I don't know which of these cars
I'd rather have.
Boy, are you a dreamer.
Yeah, what are you
going to use for money?
This convertible is groovy.
But the hardtop is pretty sharp, too.
Why don't you get them both,
Mr. Moneybags?
You guys think I'm kidding
about getting a car?
If you're not, you're nuts.
Just to prove it
Peter, you know my bike?
Yeah. What about it?
Now that I'll be getting a car of my own,
I won't need the bike anymore.
You can have it.
I can? Sure.
What's the catch?
Can't a guy perform
a simple act of generosity
without being suspected?
Boy, I always said you were the greatest.
Didn't I, Bobby?
No. Just this morning
Who asked you?
Thanks, Greg.
Think nothing of it.
GREG: Hi, Dad.
Hi.
Say, I hear you've been
talking about buying a car.
Yeah, I figured why should I
inconvenience you and Mom
always borrowing yours?
That's very considerate of you.
Is this the one you have in mind?
No, but I'm going to try
and get something as close to it as I can.
( Whistles )
That's a pretty fancy machine.
A gentle reminder to you, my boy:
Your name is Brady, not Onassis.
I'm going to buy it, Dad.
Look, I've been saving: $109.
Hey, you have been adding to it.
That's good.
( Chuckles ): Okay.
But I want you to promise me one thing:
Before you buy a car,
you let me look at it.
Sure, Dad.
How did you manage to save all that?
It wasn't easy.
I had to give up a lot
of the necessities of life.
Like what?
Pizzas and French fries and girls
Girls?
Well, mostly pizzas and French fries.
I still don't like the idea
of a 16-year-old owning his own car.
Well, now look, honey,
you know, we did promise him.
And he's had driver's
education in school,
he's passed his test,
and really, he's a pretty good driver.
I know, but why can't he
drive your car or my car?
In the long run, what
difference does it make?
Your car, my car, his car.
You got to be logical with him.
I don't have to be logical I'm a mother.
Well, anyway,
I think you're worrying prematurely
because by the time
Greg gets enough money
for the kind of car he wants,
the 1999 models are going to be here.
Oh, no, he wants to buy a car right now.
Look, he's only got a hundred bucks.
He's not going be satisfied with anything
he can get for that.
Just a hundred dollars?
Yes, and delusions of grandeur.
What kind of a car could he get
for a hundred dollars?
She's a beauty, ain't she, Greg?
I'm only selling her
because I need a fast hundred bucks.
You know, I got five or six guys
just waiting to buy this baby,
but it's such a good deal,
I wanted a friend to have it first.
Thanks, Eddie, I appreciate that.
There's an awful lot of chrome missing
up and down here, and all these dents.
What chrome missing?
I got it right here.
You just straighten it out.
As for these dents,
take it to the auto shop at school,
they'll pound them right out for you.
So it sticks a little.
When you own a convertible,
you don't use doors
you just jump right in.
Sports car, right?
Right.
But if you want to do it the regular way,
it does work.
You see?
Eddie, look at this big hole
in the backseat.
What hole?
A little rip.
Just sew it up.
Only a dime for needle and thread.
Listen to this horn.
( Honks horn )
The windshield wipers work, the radio
Can I hear the engine?
Sure. Purrs like a kitten.
( Engine starting )
( Engine chugging )
( Engine rumbling, backfires )
Runs a little rough until she warms up,
then she's great.
Yeah, I can feel it.
( Engine backfires )
( Turns off engine, backfires )
The idle just needs to be adjusted.
All this baby needs is a little bit of work.
Eddie, I don't know.
Greg, Greg, for a hundred bucks
and a little bit of work,
you got yourself a car
that's worth maybe $500.
Think all it'll take is a little work?
Positive.
Tell you what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna throw in a repair
manual, absolutely free.
With this, a ten-year-old could fix her up.
I told my dad I'd let him look
at anything I bought first.
What time is it, Greg?
It's 3:20. Why?
Car's gonna be gone
by the time you get your dad here.
I got a guy coming in ten minutes.
And with him
it's a sure sale.
Eddie, I don't know.
Greg, it's a great deal.
Or would you rather wait five or six years
for a set of wheels?
Cocoa, uh, sugar
Yup. ( Car horn honking )
Peanut butter. Right.
( Car horn blowing off-key )
What on earth was that?
( Horn blowing off-key )
Sounds like the mating call
of a lovesick moose.
( Horn blowing off-key )
What's that?
That sounds horrible!
I know. Come on.
( Horn blowing off-key )
Oh
( horn blowing off-key )
Hi.
Greg, could you turn that thing off?
Dad, I'm trying.
As soon as I get the hood open
( horn stops )
How do you like her?
( laughing )
Oh, Mike.
She's mine; All mine.
( Hissing )
Head for the hills, men!
The dam has busted!
Greg, are you trying to tell us
that you actually bought this, uh
Classic, Dad.
Mike, do you think it's safe
for him to drive it?
Honey, I think it's the safest
kind of car you could have
one that's not going to run.
A little work, I'll have
this thing running great.
Listen, I thought you promised me
that you were going
to let me look at the car
before you bought it. Yeah.
I know, but I had to move fast.
A lot of other guys
wanted to buy this thing,
but my friend, Eddie,
offered it to me first.
It was such a great bargain,
I knew you'd understand.
Some friend, that Eddie.
Yeah.
Greg, uh, what did you pay for it?
A hundred bucks.
Eddie said it was a steal.
Yeah, I think it was a steal.
He even threw in this repair manual.
Now with this thing,
even a ten-year-old could fix her up.
See, it tells you how to
boil out a carburetor,
work on the timing gear,
and a lot of stuff about the transmission.
Well, I think I'll leave you two mechanics
to work out the greasy details.
I'll be back in about an hour
to see Old Faithful blow again.
Well, do you think you could get it started
so I could hear the engine?
Uh, sure, Dad. Yeah.
( Engine rattling loudly )
How does it sound?
Like a flock of geese heading south.
Sick geese.
( Engine stops )
Yeah, well, Eddie says that's the idle.
Nothing a couple of turns
of a screwdriver can't fix.
You know what, Dad?
I was thinking.
Put a new coat of paint on here.
Maybe a rally stripe down
the front of the hood.
Mag wheels, a whip
antenna for the radio.
Don't you think that's gonna strain
your budget a little bit?
Well, not if I do all the work myself.
It shouldn't cost much at all.
Not much more than a new Rolls-Royce.
Yeah, well, maybe I can
do a little bit at a time.
Well, all right, all right.
We'll work it out.
You know, it-it kind of reminds me
of an old car my dad used to have.
Matter of fact,
I think it is my dad's old car.
Jan, you don't stir paint
with a socket wrench.
You'll ruin it.
Give it to me.
Okay, here.
Thanks a lot.
Is all the rust coming off?
I hope not.
What do you mean?
It's the only thing
holding the car together.
Take it easy.
At least the upholstery is clean, Greg.
Great. Thanks, Marcia.
Hey, what's that stuff
you're cleaning it with?
Water.
Black water?
It wasn't black when I started.
( Vacuum cleaner whirring )
What do you think you're doing?
Cleaning the engine.
There's a lot of grease and gunk in here.
You don't clean an engine
with a vacuum.
Get that out of here.
( Muttering ): Kids.
Hey, Alice, what are you cooking?
Something new?
Would you care to guess, Mrs. Brady?
Well, it certainly smells odd. Cabbage?
Nope.
Well, now I know
it's not Brussels sprouts.
Nope. Give up? Yes.
Specialty of the house:
Boiled-out carburetor a la Greg.
( Family talking excitedly )
Listen, I knew you thought
I'd never get done
That's true.
But here it is.
Well, I have to admit,
I was a doubting Thomas.
Yeah, and I was Mrs. Doubting Thomas.
I guess I'm just a natural-born mechanic.
I got the engine running like a watch.
ALICE: What's that?
Spare parts for the watch?
No, I redesigned the engine.
That's just extra junk we didn't need.
All right, everybody, you're about to see
the hottest set of wheels
this side of Indianapolis.
CAROL: Okay.
I think we put the cloth on
before the paint was dry.
I think it's just caught in the door here.
Here it is, folks.
Ta-da!
( All laughing )
( All murmuring admiration )
MIKE: You've certainly
done a fine job, son.
Say, that looks marvelous.
Wait till you hear the engine.
( Engine idling smoothly )
Oh, and I fixed that short
in the horn, too.
In fact, I rewired all the electrical circuits.
Listen to this horn.
He did say horn didn't he say horn?
( Squeaking, whining )
( Bangs )
What's causing that?
( Horn blowing off-key )
( Steam hissing )
It's going mad.
( Squeaking, whining, wailing, hissing )
Hey, you better bail out.
( Squeaking, whining, wailing, hissing )
Boy, did I ever get stuck with a lemon.
"A little elbow grease."
Well, I don't think a little elbow grease
is going to cure rigor mortis.
Careful, Dad.
You're liable to crush the door.
Some friend, that Eddie.
Aw, come on, Greg, forget about Eddie.
You made a business deal,
he got the best of you, that's all.
A business deal.
That's the last time
I'm going to do business with a friend.
I think maybe you learned something
about the business world.
What do you mean?
Well, look, you take sellers
they've got something to sell, right?
Right.
Naturally, they're going to make it sound
as attractive as possible
even if they have to exaggerate to do it.
You mean lie.
Yes, quite often they do.
Although they might call it gilding the lily.
But the important thing is
that you're the buyer
you have to keep your guard up, see?
It's the old principle of caveat emptor.
Caveat emptor?
It's Latin for "Let the buyer beware."
Or, to put it in the vernacular,
"Them who don't look,
sometimes gets took."
Well, that Eddie really took me.
Yeah, he did.
He had you hog-tied and happy
before you knew it.
But you let it happen.
Okay, the important thing is
that you learned something.
Yeah, don't worry, Dad, have I ever.
Good boy.
What were you talking to Dad about?
Oh, a few of the facts of life.
Like caveat emptor.
What's that?
It means "Let the buyer beware" in Latin.
Yeah, don't you know anything?
Oh, I know Latin.
Obby-bay Ady-bray.
That's "Bobby Brady" in Latin.
That's pig Latin, loser.
Boy, I sure learned my lesson.
When I get rid of that old clunk,
this time, I'm the seller,
and it's the other guy who
has to do the caveat emptoring.
How you gonna get rid of it?
Just find somebody
who is dumber than I am.
It isn't going to be easy.
Uh, I knew you were
looking for a car, Ronnie.
That's why I called.
I want a friend to have this baby.
I don't know, Greg.
It looks kind of an old model.
Oh, Ronnie, the word isn't "old."
The word is "classic."
In a couple of years,
this'll be a collector's item
worth five times what I'm asking for it.
Yeah, you think so?
Oh, sure.
Listen, I got five or six
guys after this beauty.
But like I said, I want a friend to have it.
Yeah, and I appreciate it, too.
Hi. What are you doing?
Uh, just showing Ronnie
this little gem here.
Tell him how sensational the car is, girls.
Sure. Sensational.
Oh, especially when it's standing still.
( laughs loudly )
Those sisters of mine.
Great little sense of humor.
What's the matter with the door?
So it sticks a little.
Listen, when you got a convertible,
who uses doors?
You just kind of jump in
like it was a sports car, right?
Watch this.
There. Now, listen, I want to tell you
about these wipers I got in here.
I got them hooked up to the horn.
It's fantastic.
All you do is
Greg, can I have these?
Cindy, can't you see I'm busy?
But you said these parts were left over
after you tried to fix the motor.
( laughs loudly )
Great little sense of humor.
Nine years old.
Cindy, I got a candy bar on my dresser.
You can have it.
Thanks.
Sure.
Hey, Ronnie, why don't you try it?
Come on.
By the way, how's the engine?
Ah, it's great. Just great.
And, listen, I wanted
to show you this radio.
Well, can I hear it?
Uh, sure, but it's a waste of time.
Purrs like a kitten.
( Engine rattling )
( Backfires )
( Rattling )
( Engine stops )
Sounded kind of funny.
That's just the idle.
Nothing a couple of turns
of the screwdriver can't fix, huh?
Listen, make up your mind, Ronnie.
Is it a deal?
I don't know, Greg.
What time is it?
I don't know.
It's 4:15, and I got to show this
to another guy in five minutes.
Now, what'll it be, Ron?
Do you want to miss the opportunity
of a lifetime, or do you want the car?
( Sighs heavily )
Hello, girls.
JAN: Oh, hi.
Well, it looks like Greg
must've got his car running.
He must have used artificial respiration.
Hey, girls,
do you know where Greg went?
Well, he was showing
the car to some boy,
and then they drove off somewhere.
He was trying to get us to say
how great that old wreck was.
He kept winking at us,
you know, like that.
And he even gave Cindy a candy bar.
Well, I wonder what that's all about.
Hmm, so do I.
Boys?
Did Greg sell his car?
Yeah, he called the guy a pigeon.
He said he was going to really
cavit the guy's eruptor.
"Cavit his eruptor"? What?
I think he means caveat his emptor.
Caveat emptor?
Now where did they pick that up?
I had a long talk with Greg
about buying and selling,
but I'm afraid he
learned the wrong lesson.
Yeah, I really gave him a hard sell.
Boy, the chump went for it
hook, line and sinker.
You didn't lie to him, did you, Greg?
I gilded the lily pretty good.
Greg, is that all you got
out of that talk we had?
Sure. That's what gave me the idea.
I figure, if I got stuck,
why shouldn't somebody else?
So you found yourself a pigeon.
It was a cinch.
And I had the hundred bucks
in my hot little hand, and then
Then you what?
And then, I let the sucker off the hook.
I just couldn't go through with it.
You mean you didn't sell him the car?
Guess I'm a pretty
crummy businessman.
No, no, you're an honest one.
Right.
But where's the car?
Oh, well, I was getting to that.
Driving home, it broke down
between Second Street and Fifth Street.
That's a pretty big area. Whereabouts?
All the way.
It just kept falling apart.
( All laughing )
Fifth Street? Isn't that
over near the junkyard?
That's where I sold it.
The junk man gave me 50 bucks for it.
Listen, look, you lost $50,
but if you've learned something,
it's worth it.
Especially the way it ended.
Can you imagine a car falling apart
in front of a junkyard?
Yeah, well, I guess cars
are like elephants, Mom.
They both know where to go
when they die.
Now, come on, girls,
we're going to be late.
In the station wagon.
We're hurrying, Mom.
I forgot the ballet class
was early this morning.
We'll be back in a couple
of hours, Alice. Right.
I forgot one.
Come on, Cindy. Attagirl.
Ah, your breakfast is on the table.
I hope you wanted eggs.
Anything's great, Alice.
I'm late for my golf game.
Dad, can I use the car, please?
No, I'm sorry, son,
I'm playing golf this morning.
Oh, shoot, I'm pitching today,
and if they start somebody else,
I'll lose my spot.
Oh, all right, all right.
I'll get your mother to drive me. Here.
Okay, great. Thanks, Dad.
Listen, be careful, will you?
Eggs okay?
Yeah, they're fine.
Alice, listen, you think
Mrs. Brady's ready to go yet?
I want her to drop me
off at the golf course.
She's more than ready to go,
Mr. Brady she's gone.
Gone?
Oh, no, there goes my golf game.
Wait a minute.
I have a feeling that from now on
you're going to be needing this
more than I am.
What's that?
My bus pass.
Bus pass?
Oh, it's a cinch, Mr. Brady.
You take the number two bus
to Oak Street,
then you transfer to the 56 Crosstown.
Then you take the 18
to the end of the line.
From there on, it's express all the way.