The Cleaner (2021) s03e04 Episode Script

1
Your jobs are just getting weirder.
A lighthouse?!
A lighthouse!
Off the coast of Ireland!
And get this - I don't even have
to clean any blood up!
One of the lighthouse
keepers went missing.
They think he fell off a cliff.
All they want me to do is
clean his bedroom out
cos it's upsetting the other keeper.
You're not going on your own?
Oh, love, you won't survive.
What are you on about?
I thrive on my own.
I'm like that fish we
saw on Attenborough.
The angler fish. Yeah.
I'm the urban angler fish.
My prediction is that you'll
be texting me within a day
My prediction is that you'll
be texting me within a day
because you're bricking it.
Well, I won't. And you know why?
You're the urban angler fish.
Mm-hm. Yeah, I know sweetheart.
Oh, Ireland
This programme contains some
strong language
This programme contains some
strong language
Really? Really?!
Lads, I'm trying to
have a moment out here.
Ah, sorry about that.
It's just a wee tradition
we have here on the Merry Bow.
You've done it four times now.
I must be initiated.
That's fair enough.
You get out there with the ocean.
You ask the questions
you need the answers to.
She'll give you what you need.
You're never alone on the sea.
Thank you.
Five! That's five!
Please!
Remember, you're cut off
until we return.
I want to be. Heh.
We pass back here sun-up on Monday.
Don't miss pick-up.
Oh!
That's right, captain.
I took my pants off.
See you Monday.
Hey
Hello, solitude, my old friend.
Ah.
The urban angler fish, he takes
nutrition from his environment.
The urban angler fish, he takes
nutrition from his environment.
So
Hello, my majestic friend.
May the herring be plentiful today.
I'd give the seaweed a miss. It's
It's gross.
Ah, you again.
Hmm.
Why would anyone put
a pan of fish on the?
Aaargh! Argh!
Hey, hey! Hey, hey!
Ugh!
Gull!
Hivi! Hey!
You'll have the door off its hinges.
Sorry, were you not just up there?
How did you?
You're bleeding.
Oh, yeah, it was a seagull.
No!
You mustn't anger the gulls.
They're sacred here.
Oh.
I think it was just
going for a fish.
I'm fine, honestly. It's nothing.
Nothing?
Nothing means nothing here.
Yeah.
Caa-aa-aa-aa-aw!
Oh. Come along.
They told you I was coming?
I'm the crime scene cleaner.
Crime scene? Where's the crime?
I've never been to
a lighthouse before.
I was quite relieved there were
no talking animals running around.
Ohh
You remember Fraggle Rock?
How did that theme tune go?
If you sing a single word
from that theme tune,
I swear by all that is holy,
I will take a knotted rope to you.
Well, I do not like
the sound of that.
Soyou're the one that's
been charged to erase
the memory of Patrick O'Mally, huh?
Oh Yeah, I just think the police
thought it would be helpful
Oh, to forget my only
companion of 30 years?
To deny a hurt that gnaws
away at my very soul?
Oh
Does it hurt? Huh?
Oh Yeah, it does sting a bit.
Ah.
Seems that Patrick's
friends do not want him
to be cleaned away, doesn't it?
What, the seagulls?
I'll show you his room.
This is not like
Fraggle Rock at all.
Can I go up the lighthouse
at some point?
The keeper is the only one
permitted in the light room.
Oh
OK.
It's a shame cos, well,
it sounds silly, but, er
do you ever do one of
those shadow rabbits?
I'll show you his room.
Cosy.
Well, it's as he left it.
Right.
Well, I will be respectful
and I'll put things right.
Where will I be sleeping?
Here.
Is that a problem?
In the dead man's room
with the creepy drawings?
No. No, that's
I WANT that.
I'm sorry about your
friend's passing.
"Passing"? Was there a body?
They said that would have washed out
to sea when he fell off the cliffs.
Swept out to sea?!
He was in his bed, boy!
Well, it can't have
happened here, there's
there's no blood.
Do you know how the eagle hunts
fish?
I'm about to find out, aren't I?
It plucks them from the ocean,
drives its talons through
the fish's back.
The flight to the nest is short
and the fish, gasping for breath,
will usually survive,
and it's there,
high in the tree tops,
that its wet eye watches on in
horror as the eagle eats it alive.
Fucking nature.
Salt water. Huh?
You're going to need to bathe
that bite in salt water
for the infection.
You should go down to the cove
in the morning. Let's say 8am?
Sorry
You don't think your friend was
taken by a massive eagle, right?
Of course he wasn't.
Thank God for that.
But I didn't say he wasn't taken.
I suppose you'll be
taking photographs?
Multiple photographs? Ghoulish
records of a lost man's room?
Something to titillate
the World Wide Web?
Well, I'll take a couple for my
boss.
No, no, you do what you have to do.
You tell who you have to tell.
Agh! Of course, no bloody signal.
No, Ruth, I'm not missing you.
So, er
Have you been here
for a long time or?
30 summers since.
Blimey. And your friend?
Keeper's mate!
Patrick O'Mally was the keeper's
mate and he was with me throughout.
Blimey.
You must have got though
some box sets, eh?
Huh? You've got Netflix, have you?
Patrick and I did not need
the light box for company.
Christ! What did you
do for entertainment?
Oh, I see! Writing a book, are we?
Or a newspaper article about
the secrets of the island?
Go right ahead.
But if I see it written anywhere
that we were sleeping in the
But if I see it written anywhere
that we were sleeping in the
same bed, I will find you and I will
beat you with a steel pole.
Steel pole?!
What happened to the knotted rope?!
I'm just here to clean! Calm down.
What did you mean, though, when you
said they're not happy with me?
What did you mean, though, when you
said they're not happy with me?
His friends.
Are we talking about seagulls?
Why do you think they are the
only sacred birds on the island?
Huh?
The souls of dead seamen
have to go somewhere.
Oh, come on. Don't be daft.
Funny, is it?!
I suppose the isolation
finally got to me, did it?!
Drove me crazy?! Oh-ho-ho-ho!
This is going in your
online internet blog, is it?
No.
Lost my mind to the howling winds,
did I?
Smashed in his skull and
then disposed of his body?
Is that what you're thinking,
is it?!
Well, I wasn't!
A madman who took
the life of his lover?
No!
Sorry, were you lovers?
NOOOO!
You don't know the ways of the
island or its rules, cleaner man.
You spooked the gulls.
There's a price to be paid for that.
Mark these words! Mark them!
I'll mark them! I'll mark them!
Finish your food.
You know, this
this really is delicious, you know.
There's lots of different
flavours in here.
I don't even
know whatsome
Sorry, is this a beak?!
Do puffins not have beaks
where you're from, boy?
Puffins?!
Are you deaf, boy?
It was puffin meat.
I don't think Chris Packham
would want us eating puffins.
I told you, 'tis only the seagulls
are sacred on this island.
Yeah But why are they angry?
Because they know when someone
is going to be taken away.
Who do you think took him?
Whoor what?
The Oillipheist
What's the Oillipheist?
A deadly sea beast.
The Oillipheist always
leaves one behind
to tell the tale of its existence.
But there are two of us.
Sleep well.
You'll need your sleep tonight.
Were you recording that
on your little phone?
No. Why would I?
"The Oillipheist comes at night.
"It can't be stopped.
"But it always leaves one behind.
"The dead souls of fishermen
turn to seagulls' form
"to warn the living
of the Oillipheist."
Hivi! Agh!
Huh?
Don't Go
by Hothouse Flowers
Shadow rabbits.
Aaaargh!
Where the hell are you going?
Only the keeper is permitted
in the light room! I told you!
I wasn't going to
Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow
Can you stop tapping my bite?!
Just do your job and leave!
Hey.
Why were you outside
in the rain last night?
The power lines.
Sometimes the wind blows them down.
We can't let darkness back in here.
Not again.
Salt water, remember?
We said the cove. 8am.
Ye-ee-ah?
Ye-ee-ah.
I've barely slept, mate,
but I swear,
I will knock you the fuck out.
What the?
You're losing your mind.
Agh.
Jellyfish!
What? That can't be it.
I thought it was an urban myth!
I can't do it.
I can't put piss on my lips.
Oh
'diculous.
I'm sorry.
There was no need for me
to behave like that.
It's hard, having company again.
Oh, Jesus!
Well
..who is this pretty
little maid come to call?
It's a bloody health and
safety disaster, this island.
To pluck but one kiss
from those cherry lips.
I suppose the jellyfish that
did this was trying to teach me
something, was it?
Jellyfish, eh?
Well, you're doing the right thing.
Do you think? Mm.
Oh, OK.
I wasn't sure if it was just an
old wives' tale, but it does
What, drinking your way
through the pain?
I know a few old wives
that have done that.
And I will not let a good man
drink whisky alone.
Ohhh!
No, I don't
I don't think that's
a good idea, actually.
When is it a bad idea? Hivi.
Let's bury the hatchet, huh?
You know what I think
the old lips need?
Bit of bedrest, so
Yeah, a few of these
and you'll forget you
even have lips at all.
Slainte!
Mmm! Yes.
Are you not drinking yours?
Well Ah, come on, boy,
get 'er down you.
Oh, she'll go.
She'll go down all right.
Soon
Look, if you're not
going to drink that
Hey! You won't take my drink!
Well, get her down you, then, boy.
Here she goes. Come on!
Now, straight down. Drink up your
medicine, all of it. Here we go.
Mmm! Go, go, go!
Ooh, a sip Finish it!
A sip is enough sometimes.
Finish it! OK
Go, go.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Boy, yeah!
Of course, you know the cure for
jellyfish stings?
Hmm
Only too well, my friend.
Only too well.
And let me tell you,
the aftertaste
Kelp.
Kelp!
That's the cure.
Why haven't they put kelp in
the book?!
Mmm, kelp. Lovely kelp.
We used to sit like this for hours.
Slainte.
Cheers.
Talking, singing.
Proper songs, too.
Traditional shanty.
Oh, well, I'd love to hear
a traditional shanty.
No, I couldn't. No, please!
Oh, sure my voice is gone.
Just one. Well, all right,
let's see what I can do.
# Ohh Ohh
# Oh, Mammy, speak to me
# What will we have for tea?
# For sure, my belly's rumbling
# And I can barely see
# His mother turned around
# She slumped down to the ground
# You can't be fed,
your daddy's dead
# His boat has run aground
# Now I must walk the streets
# For strangers, I will meet
# To sell my wretched body
# For to try and buy us meat. #
Bloody hell, mate.
Keep it light, will you?
They all starve to death in the end.
That was one of
O'Mally's favourites.
He loved that one.
Ooh
Do you think you should get
off the island for a while?
I can't.
Come back to the mainland with me.
Get some perspective.
There's a bloke down my
local pub called Weasel,
he can get four packs of
Maltesers in his mouth.
You're the one who should leave.
It only comes here
when there's two men.
"It"? The Olliethingy?
The Oillipheist.
Yes, the sea beast that came and
took O'Mally,
and we don't know where he is,
but he's going to come
back as a seagull?
Correct. And the Oillipheist's
angry now because I've come
and he's going to come
and take one of us?
You don't believe in anything
you don't understand, do you?
No.
Because all mysteries get
explained in the end.
So what did you see in
the cove this morning?
Aha!
Well, I thought I saw a woman
with a tail sitting on a rock,
but obviously that's impossible.
I did not see a mermaid. Did you
not?
No, because one, they don't exist,
and two, it didn't
look like a mermaid.
And how would the big, long
cleaner boy from the city
know what a mermaid looks like?
Oh, come on, we've all seen Splash.
Mermaids are fit.
I'm not sexist, but
she was rough.
It's coming! It's coming for me!
The only thing coming
for us is a bad hangover.
Get you to your room.
Stay there until sunrise.
Do not come out,
no matter what you hear.
Mate!
It's ridiculous!
Well, I hope you're still laughing
as the blood fills your mouth
from the crushing weight of its
mighty jaw.
Do you like my sexy old man body?
See?
You're useless alone.
Agh! Agh! No! The Oillipheist
The Oillipheist always
leaves her mark.
Why?!
No, captain!
It's here!
What the f?! Get up!
Huh?! The Oillipheist! It's here!
It's cut the power lines! Quickly!
Mate, this is madness!
There is no Oillipheist!
The light is out.
It's bitten through the wires.
Yeah, well, it'll be a fault,
won't it? Radio the mainland.
No, I am going to try and fix it.
You need to go up to the light room
to flip the trip.
Oh! I thought I wasn't
allowed in the light room.
Argh! I may not be back!
Pray for me.
If that light does not come on
again,
the boat collecting you in the
morning may be dashed on the rocks.
It's probably a fuse, isn't it?
I'll radio the mainland.
Jesus.
Uh, breaker 1-9.
What's your 20 for an eyeball,
good buddy?
Receiving
What?!
Breaker 1-9,
what's going on over there?
What the fuck?!
I have to face it for Patrick!
If the Oillipheist takes me,
it will leave you.
It always leaves one,
you'll be fine.
If you see Patrick,
tell him I'll join him soon.
No. Awake.
I don't even know what a trip switch
looks like, you old goon.
OK.
O'Malley?!
It can't be!
Argh!
To you, Patrick.
Perhaps they'll listen now.
It was only down by the sea
that I worked it out.
You set all this up.
You staged the myth
of the Oillipheist.
There's no myth.
Mate, you don't think that O'Mally
was taken by the Oillipheist?
Mate, you don't think that O'Mally
was taken by the Oillipheist?
He was!
I heard his screams!
Because you were pissed!
No!
Well, if it's real,
why are you pretending to be him?
Why all this pantomime?
Because no-one will believe me!
The police, coroner
I even had a reporter
sniffing around.
They don't listen,
they just wrote him off.
"Fell off a cliff. Case closed."
So you thought you'd plant some
evidence for the nonbeliever?
Bad things happen to good people for
no reason.
He was my friend.
He fell off a cliff.
No, he didn't, he didn't, he didn't!
Never!
A strong man like that,
swept away by a little wind?
Never! Not a lighthouse man!
Maybe you're right.
Justtell them.
Tell anyone what happened here.
Tell them that the Oillipheist
took away my friend.
Did I really think you could get it
on to that Netflix or a podcast
Did I really think you could get it
on to that Netflix or a podcast
on the World Wide Web, yeah? Yeah?
I thought you didn't have a telly.
I have an iPad up my room.
I turned off the Wi-Fi
when you arrived.
Just tell them.
Promise me.
There's a pub near Birmingham
that's about to hear
of the mysterious disappearance
of Patrick O'Mally.
I promise.
And you were right.
She was a fine-looking mermaid.
You looked beautiful.