Grimsburg (2024) s03e05 Episode Script

1
Ugh, that's not fair.
You know I can never
choose the rock
because I'm Team Vin Diesel.
Well, too bad.
I won, so I get to be Good Cop.
Which is good,
'cause you'd be a bad Good Cop.
I can be Good Cop.
Notagood cop.
I'm not learning all the words
to the "Mermanda" Rights.
Yeah, right.
Now go warm up
your stink eye, Bad Cop.
[chuckles]
Look.
If you strangled
that missionary,
I'd fess up now, because when
my partner comes in here,
whoo, it is not gonna be pretty.
I-I don't know nothing.
Okay.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
She tried to be nice.
But now
it's about to get naughty.
Dubai chocolate.
Absolutely sinful.
And for 30 bucks,
they better be.
- Hmm! What are you doing?
- I'm out-gooding you.
Yeah?
Well, if you're gonna be Good Cop
[knuckles crack]
I'm gonna be better.
How's that pressure?
I can go harder.
I'm gonna show you something,
and it's not gonna be easy
to watch
without these.
It's the newAvatar.
Keep it on the DL
since I downloaded it illegally.
Hey, look at us.
Now we got a secret.
So, tell me yours.
All right, who's
the lucky S.O.B. getting this
tableside guac?
I ordered that.
Feel free to double-dip,
by the way.
Look, we got one question, punk.
Who was the better Good Cop?
Yeah, who was gooder?
You know what?
Take some time.
Think on it.
I'll get you an Uber.
No need.
I had a limo waiting.
- Safe travels.
- Safer travels.
Wait.
Did we just let
a suspected murderer go free?
Oh, God.
The guacamole's already brown.
[theme music playing]
[inhales, sighs]
Hi, guys.
I've been getting
a lot of questions
about why I'm so upset,
so I'm gonna tell you
what happened
in this four-part series.
Ugh! Kang!
What are you doing?
Didn't realize
we turned the break room
into a hype house.
Just because you're immortal
doesn't mean
you have to act so old.
Vampires don't have
that problem.
Sometimes
they date high schoolers.
Speaking of dating,
would you read my text
to this guy and tell me if
[chuckling] Oh, no.
I'm not getting involved
in whatever
aspiring actor-slash-unhoused
model-slash-Slash impersonator
didn't text you back this time.
Why are you always
such a jerk to me?
You never do anything I want.
Like when I asked you
to read my horror zine
and then I saw you
using it as a flyswatter.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Were you dating those flies?
[microwave beeps, whirs]
[gasps] Wait.
You're using the microwave?
I clearly put
a "Do Not Use" sign on it.
So nobody can use the microwave
because you're worried
about radiation?
No, you idiot.
Because the microwave's broken
and last time, it almost
Aah!
Why are you not freaking out?
Because emotions
are like genitals.
Just because you have them
doesn't mean
you have to show them.
Also, you threw your blanket
on the candle.
[smoke detector beeping]
[screams]
[phone chimes]
[clears throat]
[screams]
[officers screaming]
Please proceed
to the nearest fire exit.
Better hurry.
With all that hairspray you use
to look taller,
you're highly flammable.
- And short.
- I ain't leaving
till I figure out
who killed that missionary.
Too bad, 'cause I'm already
on top of the missionary case.
So hand over
the church's security footage
and admit you're going
in reverse, cowgirl.
[bullhorn clicks]
Not sure if you heard,
but there's a fire.
If I leave, she's gonna steal
my evidence
[coughs] and solve the case.
I ain't leaving either.
The weather's just fine
down here.
[bullhorn clicks]
[sighs]
[crowd clamoring]
[sirens blaring]
[Summers grunts]
Summers!
Mm!
Now, look.
We've always been
a comically dysfunctional
workplace.
But lighting the office on fire
feels like premium HBO.
At the very least,
FX'sThe Bear.
My favorite comedy.
Just nonstop jokes.
"Yes, chef!" [laughs]
Still works.
So, since we have
to close the office
for a few days anyway
[rumbles]
Or weeks.
I'm tapping into
the retreat fund,
which means we get to go
on a team-building vacation.
And we're gonna come out of it
a tight-knit group,
much likeThe Bearbefore
the brother killed himself.
[laughing]
That part gets me every time.
[chuckles]
I can't believe
a CrimeShare
was available last-minute.
I have been dying
to stay in one of these.
So we're paying extra
to stay in a house
where a heinous crime happened?
Yeah, it's like
a true crime podcast
meets the ad for Airbnb
that usually interrupts
a true crime podcast.
[gasps, giggles]
I can't wait to find out
what this sicko did here.
The crime committed
in this house was
tax evasion?
Hey, look.
This is the actual calculator
he fudged his Schedule E on.
So cool!
Summers, why'd you let Kang
book this place?
Since going to a CrimeShare
was your idea,
I thought I'd have Kang book it
so we could feel like a team.
You chose a lame one
on purpose, didn't you?
I just picked
the first one I saw.
Once again, you had to ruin
something I wanted.
Congrats,
you're irrationally emotional.
Record time.
See? You took turns
insulting each other.
That's teamwork.
Now go pick out a board game
in the basement.
Great.
Guess I'll go grab one.
I'll choose.
I hate those newfangled ones
that are more rules than game.
I'm not playing "Cards Against
Exploding Burritos of Catan."
You brought work to the retreat?
Well, you're not the only one.
[gong clangs]
Now that the retreat has begun,
it's time for vacation mode.
[robotic whir]
[robotic whir]
And Vacay Mode has three rules:
No fights, no frowns,
and since I know
how competitive you two are,
work talk is the biggest no-no
of all-all.
Easy peasy,
whiskey squeezy for me.
But not for this work pony.
"Horse" was too big.
I'm not the one
addicted to my job.
- And gambling.
- Wanna make a bet?
First person
to bring up work loses
and has to share their evidence.
Deal, windbag.
Ugh, why do these games
have so many rules?
What happened
to good old checkers?
You're a prime example of why
Congress needs an age limit.
[electricity crackles]
[bike bell rings]
[wheels squeaking]
[heavy thudding]
[thudding, squeaking continues]
Oh.
Would you like
to solve a puzzle?
Puzzles? Ew!
Those are worse than check
[slurring] ers.
[groans]
[rapid sawing]
[chains rattling]
[muffled grunts]
[Kang]
What the hell is going on here?
[Wynona]
Maybe if you read my horror zine
you'd know that we are clearly
in aSawsituation.
[giggles]
[voice over PA] Actually, no.
No, no.
This is nothing likeSaw.
My name is Puzzle Paul.
Puzzle Paul?
You mean like a jigsaw puzzle?
As in Jigsaw. FromSaw.
[Puzzle Paul] No, total
coincidence since
I've never seen any of that
clumsy ten-picture franchise.
Now, each of you
have a riddle to solve
in 60 seconds
or the bear trap
will rip your jaws off.
When the timer starts,
you may begin reading.
[timer beeps]
[Wynona] What goes up and down
but never moves?
Hmm [gasps]
A staircase!
[Puzzle Paul]
You are
correct.[sighs]
Boy, I thought
that would take longer.
Seriously?
That's like
a kindergarten riddle.
Okay, mean.
You still have one riddle left.
[Kang] Hm
[Wynona]
Okay, Kang, what does yours say?
[Kang] I, uh, I I
I don't want to play.
[Wynona] Because you can't
figure it out?
These are like
popsicle stick riddles.
[Puzzle Paul] Wrong! They're
from bubblegum wrappers.
So check your tone.
[Wynona] Fine. Just read it
to me and I'll solve it.
Uh no.
Oh, because I asked you to?
This is what
I was talking about.
[Puzzle Paul] Jaw ripping
will commence in 20 seconds.
Well, now it's 19.
[timer beeping]
[Wynona]
This isn't funny anymore, Kang.
Now read it to me
before he turns us into
a couple of Pez dispensers.
[Kang] Uh, uh
[beeping continues]
[Wynona]
Kang, why are you doing this?
I can't read, okay?
[beeping continues]
[metallic creak]
[Puzzle Paul] Sorry, did
you say you can't read it?
I could up the font size.
Or bold it.
No, I'm I'm
illiterate.
[Puzzle Paul] Oh. Great.
[lens whirs]
Okay, so, full transparency,
all of my traps
are an elaborate combo
of reading and murder.
So I need a beat to pivot.
Stand by.
[distant thud]
What the
Oh, are you opening
a formal investigation
about that thud,
meaning I win?
No, no.
Just getting comfortable.
You call that comfortable?
It's protective.
Real one's insured.
[accented]
You know what time it is?
Island time!
Where Kang and 'Nona, mon?
Hmm.
Haven't seen them since
they went to the basement.
- Odd.
- Are you detecting something?
Me? No.
To detect would mean
I suspect something's wrong,
but I didn't pack any suspicion.
Or clean underwear.
Which are both work things.
Are you worried?
Not at all.
I'm chilling.
Chilling so hard
I'm basically chili.
Just soaking up
oyster crackers and vibes.
I actually put Goldfish
in my award-winning chili.
Not to toot my own tooter,
but I make
a pretty mean chili myself.
If you two want to compete,
how about
a wet T-shirt contest?
[mechanical whir]
[mechanical whir]
In case you were wondering
if my nipples
were also in Vacay Mode,
the answer is "boy, howdy!"
Your body's weird.
How about a chili cook-off
to see whose is better?
No. We'll have a chill chili
cook-off chill-off.
Like adults.
Oh, the "off" is on.
No, it's on on.
And we're off.
Look at what you've done.
That's from disappointment.
[groans] No signal.
I'm sorry, but seriously?
How can you be illiterate?
It's not that hard to get by.
I dictate emails,
always order the daily special
at restaurants,
and I only text with emojis.
The new hieroglyphics.
[gasps] You're right.
Our thread is all emojis.
Is that why you end every text
with the hotel emoji?
It looks like my building.
That's how I say
I'm texting from home.
When I'm on the move,
I do two sneakers.
It all makes sense now.
The zine, the microwave,
this CrimeShare.
It's not me you have
a problem with, it's reading!
I am so relieved.
No, it was you.
I have a very low
opinion of you.
Mean.
[Puzzle Paul]
Doesn't feel great, does it?
Okay, good news.
I was able to scrap
trap number two.
I mean, the trap is gone,
but the clue words I tattooed
onto your scalps never will be.
Anyway.
On to trap three.
[gasps]
Is that your secret ingredient?
What is it? Double cumin?
Half the cumin? [gasps]
No cumin?
I'm not telling.
My abuela taught me this.
Bitch of a grandma,
but hell of a cook.
I got this recipe
from my grandpa.
Cooked his chili with the same
wooden spoon he'd hit us with
for touching his radio.
Look at us.
We stop talking about work,
we find out we have
something in common.
Yeah, who knew
we both had grandparents?
I bet yours didn't teach you
to make chili like this.
[upbeat pop rock music plays]
Unlike you,
that is way too sweet.
[slurps] Ooh!
And unlike you,
this is super hot.
- And has taste.
- Oh, yeah?
Taste this.
Oh, you're dead.
Oh! [grunts] Okay.
[chili sizzles]
That might be
a second-degree burn.
But I can't feel it yet
because I'm having fun!
[groans goofily]
[both shout, laugh]
It's looking a lot
Like love ♪
A big pot of chili's
What I'm dreaming of ♪
[chuckles] Oh!
Will they or won't they
It's hard to tell ♪
When you're overcome
By the chili smell ♪
[cries out, laughs]
Maybe they're friends
Maybe it's more ♪
But they sure love
Goofing around ♪
[both laugh]
Yeah just a taste
Of my heart ♪
[both laugh]
Mix it up and cook it ♪
But be careful not to fart ♪
[both laugh]
Chili beans and everything
In between ♪
- You know what we look like?
- [laughs]
[chuckles] We look like
we're covered in
- dia
- rrhea.
[record scratch, music ends]
Now this is some team-building.
Told you we needed this.
I'll crump downstairs
and tell the gang
dinner's ready.
Oh [stammers] there should be
some paper towels
in in the cabinet over there.
[air hisses]
[muffled grunting]
[Puzzle Paul]
This one is simple.
Solve the wordless puzzle
before the clock strikes 9:30
or you will drown in sewage.
Or should I say, "poo-age"?
[chuckles softly]
I said "poo-age."
I don't know for sure
Could you hear that
through the modulator?
[liquid bubbling]
[Puzzle Paul]
Okay.
I'm sorry, but what exaclty
is your problem with me?
You know why people
don't know I can't read?
Because I keep some things
to myself.
But not you.
You tell everyone everything.
Why do I need to know
what size tampon you use? Huh?
And it's just a regular.
Not worth noting.
[Puzzle Paul]
Lots of talking.
Not much solving.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I do share too much.
But if I end up dying in this
- basic-ass trap room
- [Puzzle Paul] Hey!
at least people can say
they knew me.
You've been alive for centuries
and I don't think anyone
really knows you.
That's not true.
Name one person.
[grunts]
[squeaky creaking]
What is happening?
Is that the poo-age?
[Puzzle Paul]
Oh, so you did hear me.
I'm just crying, okay?
You hurt my feelings?
Eh, I guess
that's what they are.
Why is it brown?
Doesn't happen often
so it's a little rusty.
Takes a sec to get going.
Is this enough emotion for you?
Do you like
Big bowls of chili? ♪
[robotic whir]
Oh. What board game is this?
[Puzzle Paul] Your booking
was only for two people!
I can't read numbers either.
Okay, this time it's fear.
[Puzzle Paul] Fine.
Moving on to trap four.
If you even know
what that number means.
[all grunt]
Can't believe
I almost fell for it.
- Fell for what?
- That.
You tricked me into a playful
rom-com chili fight
just so I'd find
this murder stuff,
start investigating,
and lose the bet.
Do you even have a buh-buela?
Buh-warla?
Buh [grunts]
Grandma?
You think I would make up stuff
about my family
just to win a bet?
That's sick.
The competition is back on!
Fine. Let's go settle this
in our coworkers' mouths.
[electricity crackles]
Where is everybody?
[distant shouts, screams]
[all screaming]
Really wish I packed
that clean underwear now.
Wow.
I never thought
you'd stoop this low,
and that's saying something
considering
my height beat you to it.
Hey, uh
[chuckles]
Are you gonna help us, or?
[chuckles]
Oh, nice acting, Wynona.
I can't believe you accused me
of trying to make you
lose the bet,
and meanwhile,
you have this whole
elaborate contraption set up?
[Puzzle Paul] Actually,
I'm the one who set up
This has you all over it,
Martinez.
It takes a special kind
of genius to lure me down here
to see what you planted,
and then pretend you're mad
I lured you down here
to see what I planted.
[Puzzle Paul] Um, if we're
going to give credit
- where
- You think I'm a genius?
You're the genius, idiot.
Well, that means a lot to me.
Thank you.
Too bad you're too stupid
to realize how smart you are.
Not to mention kind!
[Puzzle Paul] You know
what, this fight is weird,
so we're gonna skip
to the grand finale.
[robotic whir]
[trio grunts]
[deep rumbling]
[Kang and Wynona gasp]
[rumbling continues]
What the?
[Wynona gasps]
Wow. Moving walls?
How'd you rig that?
It wasn't him, it was me!
I did all of this!
I'm the genius!
And I will enjoy watching
you all get crushed to death
from the safety
of my control room!
Aw, crap!
I am not in there!
So
I'm gonna die, too.
That's bad.
Not if we can figure out
how to escape.
If these walls were taxes,
I would know how to evade them.
You're the tax evader?
I thought you were in jail.
Well, yeah, for like a week.
Once I got out,
I needed a side hustle,
so I rented my place
with CrimeShare.
But apparently tax evasion's
not sexy enough
for true crime junkies.
So I figured if I could
defraud the government,
how hard could murdering
a couple of people
in baroque deathtraps be?
Boy, was I wrong!
Don't be so hard on yourself.
This was my dumb idea
to come out here
for some team-building,
but now we're gonna end up
team-dying.
Summers, that's it!
This is like our trust fall
but with actual dying.
Can you transform into something
to stop the walls?
Aye, aye, Captain.
Booze cruise time.
[mechanical whirring, clicking]
[boat horn blares]
Oh, thank God.
[group sighs]
All aboard the SS
[horn drones]
Summers.
[all gasp]
[grunts] Kinda thought
that'd buy us more time.
In theSawmovies,
there's always a way to stop it.
Yeah, but it's in
the control room,
and the door is purposely
on the other side
of a gruesome trap.
Anyone would die just attempting
to get through it.
Yeah, yeah, I get it.
Impossible death trap,
send in the immortal.
[groans]
[inhales]
[crunching, squelching]
[thudding]
[grunts softly]
[bone cracks]
[bones cracking]
[neck crunches]
[groans]
I'm in.
Okay, you need to press the one
labelled "kill switch."
Which is going to be impossible
for you, huh?
Because, you know,
you can't read.
What the Lea Michelle?
You can't read?
Oh, great.
Now everybody knows.
But that's good,
because now we can help.
Listen up,
we're gonna "Hot To Go" it.
Oh, likeYMCA!
Yes!
The generational connector.
Spelling words with your body.
- I'll be the K.
- I.
- [Flute] L!
- [Summers] L!
S.
Wait. S.
This is fun.
Uh
I think I got it?
[alarm beeps]
No!
He hit the "kill swift" button.
Why is that even an option?
In case it was taking too long
and I had somewhere to be.
I can't do this.
I'm crying too much.
This is why
I don't share things.
But that's where older
generations get it wrong.
You think sharing yourself
makes you weaker.
It doesn't.
It just gives everyone else
permission to be honest, too.
Like, I can't read
an analog clock.
I don't get
what "half past" is.
What? That's ridiculous.
I Hey.
Now I don't feel as bad.
Keep going.
I don't love
my thighs in shorts.
Not enough jiggle.
I've seen everySawmovie and
this whole thing is a rip off!
No gasp?
And I did plant that stuff
to make you lose the bet,
but that was before
we bonded.
Also, my secret ingredient's
chocolate.
And if we make it back,
you can have my evidence.
Also, and this is gonna
blow your mind,
my secret ingredient
is chili powder.
That might be the whitest thing
you've ever said.
[Kang]
Your stupid admissions worked.
The tears have stopped.
W-What's the next letter?
[metal creaking]
There's not enough room.
I'm never gonna make it home.
Home. [gasps]
That's it!
Kang, the last letter
of the word
is on the emoji you use
when you text from home.
[alarm beeps]
[deep rumbling]
[all exhale]
So since no crime
was actually committed,
we're cool, right?
Oh, and before you check out,
just make sure
you pull all the sheets
off the beds.
Okay, everyone's been asking me
for a follow up
on my last video.
Well, a lot has happened.
So buckle up
for a six-part series
on how I taught my stoic,
illiterate co-worker
to process his emotions,
and the alphabet.
That take was great.
It wasn't too emotional.
We'll wait until part five
to hit them with the tears.
I'm thinking in part six
you're a full blown snot faucet.
Smart, smart. Thanks, Kang.
No, actually
One day,
that's gonna say "thank you."
Well, I should get
to embalming. It's
[door opens]
8:52.
Uh it's 11:40.
Yeah, I know.