Loot (2022) s03e05 Episode Script

1
[bright pop music playing]
[in Korean] Have a wonderful stay.
Thank you.
- [in English] Sup, doggy dogs?
- [music fades]
Where can I get a sick,
nasty cheeseburger?
I've got to quarterback later.
- Down the street, to the right.
- [chuckles softly]
All right, all right, all right.
Matthew McConaughey. [chuckles]
[in Korean] Ugh,
Derek Jones is such an American asshole.
Yes… but there's something about him.
He's almost…
- Beautiful.
- [Derek, in English] Oh.
I almost forgot. Hold my football.
[exclaims]
[music resumes]
[chuckles softly]
Campbell's soup. Mmm, mmm good.
[chuckles softly]
[music continues on laptop]
You would've made a way better
Beautiful Asshole American than this guy.
Yeah, I know. Tell me about it.
I mean, look at him.
He's barely beautiful.
He's got no muscle definition in his ears.
Just turn it off, please.
[music stops]
[Howard] Oh, don't worry about it,
Nicky Bear. Other things will come up.
Other things have come up.
That Korean casting director
is obsessed with me.
She wanted to offer me a part
in the spin-off series, Kissing Hospital,
as Dr. Timothy Gorgeous.
Well, that's amazing! As well they should.
I know, but I had to pass.
I mean, I can't go to Korea.
Molly would fall apart.
Oh, no, she wouldn't. We got your back.
I mean, Arthur would keep her happy,
Sofia'd keep her busy,
and I would keep her entertained
with my cultural musings.
I mean, what's the deal with artichokes?
Why put "choke" in the name
of your food? [chuckles]
You don't get it, Howard.
Our relationship,
it goes way deeper than all of that stuff.
I mean, I don't think
I could ever leave her.
Even if I wanted to.
I promise you, she'd be okay.
- If…
- [Molly] Uh-oh.
Look who got a fresh mani-pedi
and can't use her hands or her feet.
- [gasps] Ooh, yay! Smoothie!
- Here you go.
- I got so thirsty from sitting.
- [chuckles]
[inhales deeply] Okay. I got this.
- I can…
- Nope. I got it.
[singsongy] Come to Mama's lips.
[grunts]
- [grunts]
- [Nicholas] Allow me.
[slurping]
Mmm.
["Gimme That Money" playing]
[song ends]
Something horrible's happened.
- Nicholas is dead…
- What?
- …inside.
- [sighs]
I'm glad my dramatic pause worked.
And I have your…
- attention.
- Okay.
Let's not overreact. I know he's been
a little down in the dumps lately.
Sometimes he sympathy "PMS-es" with me,
but that's not until next week.
I think this is bigger than that.
Don't minimize women's issues!
Okay. Maybe we're a little early.
Coz, do you have any idea how many
acting jobs Nicholas has passed on
because of his problematic,
codependent relationship with you?
What? I have always supported his acting.
All the jobs he's being offered
are in Korea.
Korea? Well, that… No, that's… [scoffs]
He can't move to Korea.
That's not where we live.
I think you and he need to talk.
Y-You've got this all wrong.
I don't think
that Korea is the real issue.
I think it's just because I've been
spending a lot of time with Arthur,
and he's feeling a little neglected.
Nicholas is like a succulent.
He's prickly and chic,
but he does need a little water.
So, I plan to shower him
with lots of gifts and attention.
And he'll be back to himself in no time.
I don't think this is a problem
you can just throw money at.
I'll give you $10,000 to shut up.
You got it, coz. I'm outta here. Love you.
Morning.
[sighs]
Molly, come on.
Wake up, it's 10:30.
You asked me to wake you up early.
Fuck! Jesus!
- Surprise.
- Jesus!
Gotcha! [laughs]
Why the hell would you do this?
Because we're having a Nicholas day,
and I know how much you love Halloween.
I like gay Halloween where you put on
a jock strap and you call it a costume.
- Not this shit.
- Listen,
I know we haven't spent a lot of quality
time together lately, but that ends now.
You and me, we are gonna have so much fun.
Molly, I really don't need this.
Can we just go to work?
I planned it all out.
I even taught myself Photoshop,
and I printed out
this chic little itinerary.
Couldn't figure out the font size,
so the other 700 pages are still printing.
This is gonna be the best day ever!
Okay. [chuckles]
Attaboy. Now, let's set this back up
so we can scare Marisol.
She just found out she has heart problems,
so this is really gonna cheer her up.
[groans]
Thank you all for being here.
I hope everyone got
a lot of rest last night
because we are about to absolutely
tear this store a new one.
Anything this god on Earth wants is his.
Anything he looks at, he owns.
Are you ready, my dear?
I guess I could use a new sweater.
You heard the man. Start pulling sweaters.
["Lights" playing]
I had a way then ♪
Losing it all on my own ♪
I had a heart then… ♪
Hello, vest.
Are we looking for the restroom?
Is it an emergency?
Oh. Um, no, actually,
I'm looking for a dress to wear tonight,
and I need some help.
Okay. And what's the occasion?
Chaperoning a prom?
Oh, no.
Um, my husband's company
is going public. It's an IPO.
And there's this whole big party tonight,
and there'll be lots of press there,
and I just want to look good.
And who's your husband?
John Novak.
Oh. [chuckles]
Well, Mrs. Novak,
you have come to the right place.
Okay, great. [chuckles]
Yeah, it's actually gonna be
hard to narrow it down
because you've got the structure
to pull off anything.
- Really? That's nice to hear.
- Come with me.
Um, actually,
now that I am feeling comfortable,
I really do need to use the bathroom.
It is an emergency.
Oh, no problem.
[gasps] Oh, my God. It's stunning!
Really? It kinda feels like a lot.
Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Trust me, all this glitz and glamour,
it takes some getting used to, but, here.
I am telling you
this look was all over Paris Fashion Week.
Oh! And I know the perfect clutch.
- [sighs]
- Don't buy it.
What?
Yeah. Don't buy that.
It doesn't look good, right?
[inhales deeply, clicks tongue]
I'm gonna put this as nicely
as I possibly can, but…
you look like a Muppet got fucked
by a Christmas tree.
- [chuckles]
- [chuckling] Oh, my God.
I look like I got sprayed
with rubber cement
and rolled through a Hobby Lobby.
[chuckles]
Uh, the only reason he's showing you this,
is because it's the most expensive
piece on the floor.
He works on commission, and he sucks ass.
Except he doesn't, actually.
Do you wanna know something
really disgusting?
- He's straight.
- No!
Yeah. He listens to Hoobastank at lunch.
That motherfucker.
I let him listen to me pee.
Ugh.
You know, I think
you'd look really good in this.
Yeah?
Yeah. He would never show it to you
'cause it's cheaper, but trust me.
Okay, I will.
Thank you.
Oh. Uh, where's that cute guy with
the swoopy hair who was helping me?
[chuckling] Oh,
he won't be bothering you anymore.
- And I am so sorry.
- No. I-I didn't mind it.
I actually wanted to thank him.
Sweetie, where is that other dress?
It looked so fierce on you.
This fag was speechless.
You're not allowed to say that
because you're straight, Hoobastank.
And I want this dress, so let me have it.
That's what she said.
["Galina" playing]
I feel like you know her well ♪
- [music continues on speakers]
- [gasps] Oh, my God!
You better stop, drop and roll,
because this hooker's on fire!
I'm sorry. I am morning drunk.
This is really nice. Thank you.
We're buying everything, guys.
- Are you ready for our next stop?
- Okay.
Molly, this is all so generous,
but we can go home now.
I… I know I've been down recently,
- but this is all just so…
- [hushes]
Today's not about expressing our feelings.
It is about obliterating them
with my vast resources.
Now, let's go to the next stop!
No time to waste!
[imitates train whistle]
[Molly] Okay.
Welcome to your next surprise.
My gym? But I've already taken
two classes this morning,
plus an ass shredder.
My ass is completely shredded.
Oh, we are not here
for a regular old workout.
[gasps] A headset?
You don't mean…
[in Somali accent] You're the captain now.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Brody, Brody, Jody and Brody.
My favorite instructors.
And Jody, I hope your affairs are in order
because today is your fucking funeral!
["Lose Ya Breath" playing]
Chests up, FUPAs in, boys.
Pedal, pedal.
Pedal away from your Midwestern hometown.
[cackling]
Jesus, fuck. You call that a push-up?
Throw those tits into it!
Deeper! Deeper!
Squat like you hate yourselves!
Your middle school bully is chasing you.
He knows you like art,
and now he wants you dead.
[instructor panting]
Are you fucking kidding me…
…Judy? I don't have anywhere else to go!
Uh, Nick, you've been late
on the rent three months in a row.
And now you've lost your job.
We can't keep floating you forever.
We live on a fixed income.
And you're not even helping
with the jigsaw puzzle.
Oh, suck my dick, Clarisse.
I'm the one who found the parrot's eye!
- Um, excuse me.
- [knocks on door]
Oh, uh… What are you doing here?
I told your straight boss I'd out him
if he didn't give me your address, so…
Okay. Quick to blackmail. I love it.
I heard you got fired from the store,
and I feel really bad about it.
Clarisse, is it?
How much does Nick owe in rent?
I can pay it.
Actually, could you two just fuck off?
Mrs. Novak, I can't take your money.
That's so generous,
but I-I'll figure something out.
I got the dress.
You were right.
You know, I had a feeling.
[chuckles softly]
Wow. You have a very charming place.
Is all that your medicine?
You know, they have so many pills,
and none of them are fun.
Well, it's very cozy.
I just moved into a new house,
and it's all metal and glass.
So, I feel like I'm living in a microwave.
[both chuckle]
You know, I… I should go.
Uh… Uh, what are you gonna do
with your hair tonight?
Well, I'm definitely gonna wash it
and then brush it.
[chuckles]
Come with me.
Oh, my God.
Your life must be so insane right now.
It's gotten to a new level.
I mean, it's crazy.
Like, our new house,
it has a room just for our skis.
- And I've never been skiing.
- Oh, who would want to go skiing?
I mean, "Uh, I-I want to be cold,
but I also want to have a sunburn."
And you're like, "I… I wanna put on sticks
and fall down a mountain."
- [chuckles] Okay, that's good.
- [chuckles]
Well, I shouldn't complain, you know?
It's been really exciting, obviously,
all this happening to John.
But…
But… I have been
a little lonely, you know?
I mean, he works a lot more
than he used to,
and he travels all the time,
and when we're together,
I feel like he's somewhere else.
That's tough.
I mean, what he's doing is so important.
And he's changing the world.
Okay, I'm sorry, fuck that.
The only person changing the world
right now is Andy Cohen.
I don't care how rich your husband gets,
if you're lonely,
then he needs to fix that.
'Cause I've known you for,
like, 45 minutes,
- and I'm already obsessed with you, okay?
- [chuckles]
And you are gonna look so good
at that party tonight
that he's going to be obsessed
with you too.
Trust me.
Oh. And we're here.
This is the best salon
in all of Beverly Hills, if not the world.
There's an eight-month-long wait list
to get into this place.
So, how are we going to get in
if we don't have an appointment?
Uh-huh. Well, you're the one
who wanted to be on Bravo, so…
Padma, I have to go.
I'm at this stupid fucking salon.
Hi. I'm here with Molly Novak
for her 11:00 a.m.
Who? Um, I'm not seeing that name
in our system.
Oh, nice try, sweetheart.
Okay, here's her credit card.
She's got her husband's IPO party tonight,
which she's gonna miss
if you don't get
that clip-in ponytail in gear, okay?
Let's go! Let's do this!
Move it. We'll rinse you in the toilet.
[gasps] My darling. Have a seat.
Thank you.
So… What are we thinking today?
Um, I don't know.
Maybe, uh, an updo with tendrils?
- Is that still fancy?
- Um…
I know exactly what she needs.
[sighs] Thank God.
Are you gonna get me some
champagne now? Or are we animals?
Let's go!
["Bounce" playing]
[chuckling]
Oh, my God.
Well, it's hot, it's loud, it's wild ♪
We bounce to this track ♪
And I don't care
What anybody thinks about that ♪
Hands to the sky
And throw your head back ♪
[salon staff applauding]
[chuckles]
Oh…
…my God. Brody 2 has
such an embarrassing cry face.
[both imitate bawling, chuckle]
Oh, seriously, babe,
today has been above and beyond.
Well, we're not done yet.
Welcome to the finale.
[Nicholas gasps]
- Hi there, Nicholas.
- [sunglasses clatter]
Kesha Rose Sebert?
A little birdie told me that you're
my biggest fan in the entire world.
Tweet, tweet. I'm the little birdie.
When I saw you sing "We R Who We R"
on Australian X Factor in 2010,
something inside of me ejaculated.
[gasps] I appreciate that.
And your friend Molly wanted to show you
some appreciation
for everything you've done for her.
So sit down.
["Joyride" playing on guitar]
Are you a man?
'Cause I'm a bitch ♪
I'm already rich
Just looking for that ♪
This party sucks
I'm 'bout to ditch ♪
Don't even try to gi-give me shit ♪
I've earned the right
To b-be like this ♪
Oh… ♪
This is unbelievable.
Look, I'm really sorry
I've been a little off lately.
I mean, look at everything
you've done for me today.
How could I want anything else?
I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
Seriously, I feel like…
Can you guys stop talking during the song?
[whispers] It's really distracting.
Distracting for who, Kesha?
[Molly] We adore you, Kesha,
but you're being very well-compensated
to help facilitate this emotional moment.
Copy that.
Joyride, joyride ♪
I'm just looking
For a good time tonight ♪
Baby, I want you to rev my engine
Till you make it purr ♪
Keep it kinky, but I come first ♪
Beep-beep, bitch, I'm outside ♪
Get in, loser, for the joyride ♪
["Dancing with Tears in My Eyes"
playing on speaker]
Okay. You're my masterpiece.
- Stop.
- I'm being serious.
You look fucking incredible.
All credit to me.
You're gonna turn every head
at that party.
- [phone rings]
- [chuckles]
Ooh. That's John.
Hey, babe. I was just gonna call you.
I need the car to come get me. I'm in
a 55-plus community called Final Oaks.
There's always an ambulance out front.
[John] Hello, babe? Can you hear me?
Hey, uh, so about tonight…
I was thinking
it's gonna be so boring for you.
- No…
- Maybe you shouldn't come.
What? No. I'm excited about it.
Yeah, right, Molly.
You hate these things as much as I do.
No. No, I'm-I'm all dressed,
and I got a haircut.
You cut your hair? Why?
Look, I'm gonna be so busy schmoozing,
we're not even gonna get to
hang out tonight.
So how about this… After the IPO,
you and me go somewhere tropical.
There's this island for sale.
We can afford that now.
[stammers] That's nice, right?
Yeah, that's fine.
That's sounds good.
Have fun tonight, John.
Barf. I'll try.
Love you, babe. Got to run.
[call disconnects]
Love you too, babe.
Change of plans. We decided
he should go to the party solo.
Oh. I'm sorry.
No, it's… It's a work event anyway.
And those VC guys are douchebags,
so it wasn't gonna be any fun.
Well, you know what would be fun?
You and I are going out dancing.
No. Really. I've already taken up
too much of your time…
- [sighs] Shut your mouth.
- What?
You are the most gorgeous woman
alive right now, okay? We're going out.
I like how you're kind of a bitch.
I like how you're kind of a bitch.
So, let's do this.
The night awaits, milady.
Lead the way, milord.
I'm actually excited to go dancing.
Are people still doing the Roger Rabbit?
- No.
- Oh.
["You Make Me Feel… (feat. Sabi)" playing]
La-la-la-la-la ♪
You make me feel so
La-la-la-la-la ♪
- [music stops]
- [Nicholas snoring]
[Molly sighs]
- [gasps]
- [exclaims]
Wait. Did we…
Sweetie, no. And we never will.
Yeah, totally.
I mean, I'm… I knew that.
And that would've been weird, so…
[sighs deeply]
- But last night was fun, huh?
- Yeah.
The parts of it I can remember
were pretty epic.
You are a great dancer.
Well, I had a good partner.
[chuckles] You hungry?
[sighs] I'm starving.
Well, I hope you like cereal
because it's all I can afford.
Hey, I just wanna thank you
for last night. I really needed that.
As you can probably tell, things aren't
going so great for me at the moment.
Uh, same. I mean, look around.
Grandma's graveyard. [chuckles]
Hey, would you ever consider
working for me?
What do you mean?
Well, rich ladies have assistants.
You need a job, right?
Uh, very badly.
But what would that even look like?
I mean, what's the job description?
I don't know. I mean…
Let's put it in the contract.
Okay.
Um… May 10th, 2011.
- Molly and Nick…
- Uh, Nicholas.
Nicholas… hereby agree to what? Um…
[pen scratching]
Always take care of each other.
Forever.
Perfect.
Is this a good starting salary?
[chuckles]
[chuckling] Uh… Yeah.
This will work for me.
- Okay.
- ["Pump it" playing]
Goodbye forever, Judy!
And, yeah, I fucked your nephew in here!
[laughs]
[music fades out]
[sighs] Oh, you're up. [chuckles]
Thank you so much for yesterday.
I feel like a brand-new man.
And don't tell anyone,
but I stole Kesha's AirPods,
and I slept with them under my pillow.
What do you want for breakfast?
Actually…
I made breakfast.
[chuckling] Okay.
We haven't had that in a million years.
I know.
[sniffs]
So, um,
I wanted to talk to you about something.
Long time ago, that day that we met,
do you remember the promise
that we made to each other?
Oh.
- [gasps] I cannot believe you kept this.
- [chuckles]
[chuckles]
[Molly] Listen…
I feel like I haven't been
holding up my end of things.
Howard told me about Korea.
Oh, God. That… That is so not a big deal.
You do not have to worry about that.
I think it is a big deal.
I think that I've been holding you back.
And you've sacrificed everything for me.
And I think the best way for me
to take care of you right now… is…
to let you live your own life.
[chuckles]
I mean, what would I even do?
Sweetie, you did all this.
If there's anyone on Earth
I have the confidence can do anything…
it's you.
[breathes shakily] Yeah?
Yeah.
[chuckles]
[shakily] Okay.
It's just, um…
[inhales sharply]
I really don't know
what I'm gonna do without you.
Well, I thought about that,
and I got you something to remember me by.
Oh, my God.
This is not the Balmain coat
that I've been w… Oh!
- [laughing]
- [scoffs]
Well, I really don't want that. [sniffles]
[chuckles]
I love you.
["How Can You Mend
a Broken Heart" playing]
I know.
I love you too.
[chuckles softly]
[music continues]