On the Buses (1969) s03e05 Episode Script

I'm
going to show you how to solve the equation of the equation of the equation of
the equation God bloody
Thirty quid to redecorate your bedroom?
Well, chuck that away for a start, I'm not paying for that, mate.
What do you mean?
Well, it once do in love.
It hasn't been done since Arthur and Olive got married.
Thirty quid!
Why'd he do it himself?
Because I can't manage on me own.
I'll be waiting for you to give me a hand, haven't I?
That's what's wrong with our marriage.
You'll always find an excuse not to do anything.
Yeah, well, there are some things I can't help him to do.
Something's gotta be done.
That bedroom's unhygienic.
Oh, blimey, Mum, it's not all that bad.
Yes, it is.
It hasn't been done for nine years.
Yeah, it was patched up for our wedding.
Everything was patched up for our wedding.
No, it wasn't.
You didn't have your operation till two years later.
Will you give over about my operation?
Look, mate, let's get back to the bedroom.
It's quite disgusting.
If you saw it in broad daylight, you'd have a shock.
I did.
I went in your bedroom yesterday and she was prancing around in her roll-ons.
Did you all prance around in my roll-on?
Certainly not.
When you've got them on, you can hardly move.
Oh, Mum, did you hear what he said to me?
Do you think he should speak to me like that?
Never interfere between husband and wife.
It can upset a very happy marriage.
Not much danger of that.
Right, that's my lot.
I'm off.
Oh, no, you don't.
You don't go slipping away.
You're coming upstairs.
Have a look at that room and see what can be done.
For God's sake, Mum, come on then.
I've got to get to the depot.
Let's go up and see what needs doing.
Well, well, not much wrong with this, is there?
Well, it would look a lot better if she made the bed.
Look, mate, the hole in this room is disintegrating.
I mean, look at that.
Well, it's only a bit damp.
Damp?
Hey, you like mushrooms, don't you?
Yeah.
Help yourself.
There's plenty coming out the side.
Don't be funny.
Look, mate, this place isn't fit for human habitation.
Oh, for God's sake, stop moaning.
Look, I'll pay my whack in this house, mate.
I'm entitled to decent accommodation.
You ought to think yourself lucky, mate, I tell you that.
If I advertised this room down at the depot, next week I'd have ten fellas
sleeping in here.
Yes, isn't it terrible?
Do you know what, Mum?
There's one bloke down in our place, he's in a room no bigger than this, and
he's got six kids.
Ooh, eight in one room?
Well, not exactly.
He's got a couple of lodgers up on top of the wardrobe.
Do you mind not being so facetious?
Are you going to give me an hand with this, or do I bring the builders in?
You give him a hand, love.
Oh, all right, all right, all right.
Well, we'll knock it off one morning.
What a lot of rot you do talk.
One morning?
Undercoat, two finishes on the woodwork, that's one morning, isn't it?
That's before we start the papers.
Papering?
You must be out of your tiny mind, mate.
It's not getting papered, we're going to paint it.
No, I can get a stuff down our depot that goes rock hard in two hours.
And I can get it cheap, too.
Oh, lovely.
Oh, Mum, what colour shall we have?
Oh, I think we want a nice pastel shade, a nice pale pink, or a lovely mauve.
Look, it's got to be green or yellow.
Right.
That's the colour they paint our buses.
Oh.
I thought if I had it done, I'd like it red.
Well, I'll give me notice then, if you like, and go and work for the London
Transport.
I think red's a nice colour for a bedroom.
It makes a woman look sexy.
Does it?
Don't you remember that red baby doll I bought, Arthur?
How exciting I looked in it.
Oh, I'm afraid I must be colourblind.
Here, you say you'll get that paint cheap?
Yeah, of course.
Right, well, I've been thinking, it seems to me yellow and green are excellent
colours for a bedroom, most tasteful.
Right, that's settled then.
See you at tea time.
Right, old lad.
With the paint.
With the paint.
And a few brushes.
All right.
I've got to pay for it.
Pay for it?
Yeah.
Here, you reckon you'll let me have it cheap, the paint?
Oh, blimey, you're not going to pay for it.
What do you think I was going to do?
Don't be daft, mate.
Look, all you've got to do, buy Nobby a couple of pints of bitter, he'll give
you two gallons of eye gloss for nothing.
A couple of pints of bitter for two gallons of paint?
Yeah, brushes, wood, upholstery, anything you like.
They're all at it.
Blimey, no wonder they count the buses every night.
A couple of pints of bitter for two gallons of wood?
Listen, mate, it's busman's perks.
If the governor can do it, we can do it.
Oh, come off it, Jack the Governor, don't pinch paint.
Oh, yeah?
Why do you think they've changed the lettering on the buses to metallic bronze?
So that Nobby here can spray his jag.
Yeah, but
Yeah, but
Blimey, yeah, but
Just touch it up here and there.
Touch it up?
They said 27 coats.
Is that right, Nobby?
28, but who's counting?
I'll tell you another thing, he fills up his tank here and all.
Oh, come on.
Now, you know as well as I do our buses run on diesel, not petrol.
Yeah, he's not that daft.
This happens to be the only jag fitted with a diesel.
Now, I'm telling you, mate, you can have what you like.
Now, they're all at it.
Here, Nobby, show us your job card, will you?
Here you are.
Here you are, have a butcher's.
Complete electrical overhaul on check on bus number 74682, five hours allowed.
Yeah.
So what, so what?
Well, he spent 10 minutes on the bus fixing the ashtray and four hours 50 on
the jag fixing the cigar lighter.
And you all wanted about two gallons of paint.
Oh, you can have what you can take, so long as the Gestapo don't catch you.
Gestapo.
Gestapo.
Gestapo.
What are you two doing round here then?
Strictly no admittance, you know it.
I was just pointing out to Brother Stan here, the shop steward, how the
company's profits are being squandered on the Governor's jag.
Isn't that right, Nobby?
Well, well.
Now, don't you start your Bolsheviks round here, mate.
You know Mr Adams, as general manager, is entitled to use that car as and when
he thinks fit on the company business.
Yeah, all right, all right.
Yes, well, all right.
Wait, wait, heads up.
Here comes your Adams secretary now.
Yeah.
Another of the boss's perks.
Also gets service as and when required.
Good morning, Mr Blake.
Good morning, Miss Smith.
Ooh.
I wouldn't mind banging her in the putt and running over her chassis.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, God.
Mr Adams won't be wanting the car till late tonight.
He'll be working overtime.
Yeah, I'll bet he will.
I'm depraved, you two.
We finished at seven o'clock, Miss.
Oh, good.
Oh.
Oh, dear God.
Poor literate sleigh about you.
I think that's what they call one of the boss's fringe benefits, eh?
Well, don't look now, mate, but I can see her fringe.
She happens to work with Mr Adams and he treats her in exactly the same way as
you do to clippers.
Filthy beast.
When I was in the army, mate, we had a medicine for blokes like you.
You see out there, look?
Yeah.
It's a big bus, look.
Yeah, a big bus.
A big green double-decker.
Yeah.
Now, I want you two to go out there and get it, and get it out.
Come on, then, we'd better get moving.
Come here.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
I want to see Knobby about the paint.
That's right, mate.
We're entitled to our perks.
What the Governor can have, we can have.
Well, if that's the case, the Governor can have the paint and I'll have his
secretary.
Cheers.
Have a good night, mate.
Knobby, do you fancy a couple of pints of bitter?
Well, where is he, then?
He knows he's due out.
Well, I think he had to go to the loo.
Go to the loo?
He's worse than the clippers.
What's he, curling his hair now, then?
Look, I've got other buses to worry about besides yours, you know.
When he comes along, you both get in and get out.
Oi, come on, Chalky, get in out of it.
Get in yourself.
Oi, oi.
What?
What are you doing?
Oh, er, yeah, I was, er, just giving Knobby a hand with the, er, fire buckets.
A hand with the fire buckets?
Yeah.
You're paid to drive buses, mate, not make sand pies.
Get that cab out of it.
Go on.
No, it's a phone now.
All right, all right.
Here, thanks.
I think I got the paint.
Where's the paint?
Don't be daft.
Don't be daft, mate.
I'm not an idiot, am I?
Oh, very clever.
Clever, clever.
Right, get him in.
Get him in, mate.
Yeah, that's it.
How's that?
That's it.
Get a tin of yellow, mate.
Here's the hardener.
You mix that up with the paint, it makes it dry quick, see?
Yeah, the hardener, right.
Here's the bottle of special tinnist.
I've gone very careful with that.
Yeah, all right.
And remember what I told you, don't sniff it, because it gives off dangerous
fumes.
Keep that bag away from me.
Yeah, all right.
See you at the boozer.
Right over there, Nobby.
Yeah, all right.
You idiot, open the door!
Blimey, you smashed that bottle, look!
It's stuffed all over the cab.
Blimey, the knife stinks, too.
He was right.
Look, take a deep breath, dive around the corner, we'll clean up there.
Yeah, all right, one moment.
Let's get a breather.
All right.
Here we go.
I can't stand it.
I can't stand it.
I've got to get out.
What's it?
It's a gestalt.
Come on, get back here.
Hang about.
It's an emergency.
Hang about.
Hang about, mate.
Don't go.
There's been a water main burst in a high street.
There's a diversion.
I've got it here.
Yeah, all right.
I'll watch it, but I've got to go.
Hang about.
I've got it here, son.
Hang on, wait, wait, Leon.
Right.
Turn left and help us through.
Achoo!
Are you all right, mate?
He's got hay fever.
Hay fever?
What, in the middle of winter?
Well, it's the fumes in the engine, and the cab.
Fumes in the cab?
Oh, no, not that bad, not that bad.
It's all right, it's all right.
But I must go, I must go.
You must go.
Isn't he marvellous, eh?
He's always late out, and the very first time I want to hold him up and have a
word with him, he wants to dash out like a lunatic.
Now, you just hold on a minute, mate.
I'll give him a signal from the off, right, put down here.
Turn left at Elmwood's Road, out the high stick.
Uh
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
I know it!
I know it!
I know it, I know it!
God.
Are you all right, mate?
Yeah, yeah, I'll be all right.
All right?
He's crying his eyes out, look.
You ain't, er
You ain't got no trouble with Touma, do you, boy?
No, no.
There's some tears coming down his little face, look.
Yeah, well, that's er, that's because he's breaking his heart because he's got
to leave you.
You know, either that, or he's crying because he's seen you.
Twit.
Hell, it ain't that easy.
Open the door, open the door.
Oh, I can't take any more.
Oh, God.
What's the matter?
Have all the fumes gone to your skin?
Oh, no, no, what's that all about?
What's this then?
Ah, that's what it is, yeah.
By the way, that's the brush Nobby gave you.
It must have gone round the back of you.
Well, it's a good and super quality.
Guaranteed not to lose its bristles.
Oh, that's a life of a start.
Well, there you are.
That's it.
That's the lot.
Come out of it, come out of it, come out of it.
I think we've done a very good job there, Stan.
Who's we?
I didn't see much sweat on you, mate.
Well, I mixed the paint, didn't I?
Big deal.
Here, lads, I've brought you another cup of tea.
Lovely, ma'am, lovely.
There you are, we've finished it, ma'am.
What do you think of it then, eh?
Well, it looks very nice.
Yeah.
Ah, I put two coats of paint on everything.
Including me.
Well, you've done very well.
And, Sonny, one o'clock?
Yeah.
Do you know what?
I nearly used up two gallons of paint.
You know what?
You drank up three gallons of tea.
Oh, Olive, look.
They've even painted the chest of drawers.
Yeah, I did that.
He had to.
He spilled a tin of paint on it.
I think it's very nice.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Don't you touch it.
It's still wet.
Here, will it dry all glossy like that?
No, dry all fluffy.
He went and leant against it before he'd finished.
It won't show when it's dried out.
When will that be, love?
In a couple of hours' time.
That's that new paint I was telling you about, Mum, that I got down at the
depot, you know.
It dries rock hard in no time.
Do you know what?
You can chuck boiling water at it, bash it with an hammer.
It even stands up to sand, grit, snow, rain, hot tar, even flying gravel.
Ah, very useful.
We have those things in our bedroom every night.
Oh, Arthur.
You've got a lot of paint on your head.
Hey.
Oh, you know, I'm having to shampoo it off.
Oh, it's very hard to get paint off hair.
What hair?
You know what shampoo, mate?
Get yourself a bit of sandpaper and rub it off.
Take a shine off and it'll all
Anyway, I've got to go.
Mind the brush, mind the paint.
Mind the paint, love.
All right.
Now, Mum, listen.
In a couple of hours' time, just a couple of hours' time, you can put all the
furniture back where it came from.
Ooh.
Now, remember that, Olive, just think, you and Arthur can sleep in a nice brand
-new bedroom.
Oh, everything nice and fresh.
Oh, just like a second honeymoon.
Yeah, well, that'll take more than a couple of coats of paint.
Now then, get up and get yourself cleaned up.
Yeah, get up.
Come on, give me these coats now, will you?
God livin', mate.
What a day, eh?
Yeah.
Painting all day, driving all night.
I tell you what, mate, on beat.
I'm going to have a glass of beer.
Do you fancy one now?
Oh, well, it's 12 o'clock.
I shouldn't stop.
Still, if you're going to twist my arm
Get on there.
All right.
There he is.
You won't like getting him up here.
Stay in!
Come up here!
Stay in!
Stay!
Oh, blimey.
I suppose he wants me to see the bedroom now that the furnace is back in place.
Come on!
Well, you don't sound too happy to me.
I think you'd better go up.
Yeah, well, keep on with me.
I won't be long, Jack.
Yeah, right.
Yeah.
Do you want to see me, mate?
Yes, do come in.
I'd like to show you something instead.
Have a look at the paint.
Yeah, great, ain't it?
What a lovely shine.
Yeah, of course it is.
Because it's still wet.
You and your two-hour paint.
What are you talking about?
It's supposed to dry like that.
It's an hard gloss paint, mate.
That's why it dries
Oh, blimey.
Yeah.
I might have known nothing good could come out of your ruddy Bastepo, mate.
Don't blame me, mate.
I mean, after all, you mixed the paint, didn't you?
Of course, I know what's happened.
You didn't put enough hardener with it.
Hardener?
What hardener?
Don't tell me you didn't put any hardener in it at all.
You didn't tell me to, you stupid fool.
Why didn't you tell me?
Don't call me a stupid fool.
I told you to put it in.
The trouble with you is, mate, you don't listen to anything I say.
You should have read the instructions on the can.
I couldn't, because when you pinched the paint, you tore the label off, didn't
you?
Isn't it too late to put any hardener in now?
No, no, no.
I can just scrape it off the wall and put it back in the tin again, you
silly
Yeah, isn't it awful?
Stan, do you think that Olive's hair dryer would dry it off a bit?
Oh, don't talk wet.
It takes five hours to dry her hair.
Wear that and finger them, it dries all frizzy.
Guys, we don't want a stipple defect.
Well, there's nothing we can do about it now.
I'll wait till I get to the tap.
I'll ask Nobby, see if he can think of something.
Where are we going to sleep?
In your bed.
We can't sleep in here, mate.
All the walls are still wet.
You told me you've been sleeping in this room for nine years, but it's all
damp.
I don't see the difference, mate.
There's nothing we can do about it now.
We'll have to see about it in the morning.
Oh, God.
I shook you and your blasted paint and I should have bought it in a shop.
There's no bedside light.
How are we going to switch the light off?
Well, you get into bed, loves, and I'll switch it off at the door.
Oh, all right, then.
Here, don't put that on there.
The paint's still wet.
This is ridiculous.
Can't you do something?
Yeah, I'll stick a notice on the door.
Caution, wet paint.
Oh, by the way, if you and Olive decide to play postman's knock, don't lean up
against a wall, mate, cos it's all wet.
Arthur, you're awake.
Ah.
What?
What do you want?
I can't find my glasses.
What do you want them for?
I want to go to the bathroom.
Can't you do anything without your glasses?
I can't see the way.
Well, put the light on.
The switch is by the door.
Look, mate, you've done that journey three times every night for the last nine
years.
You ought to know me blindfold.
Now, shut up.
You clumsy beggar.
Stand still, whatever you do.
I'll turn it on.
Here, I've injured myself.
Get out.
What's been going on here?
Don't tell me she's been chasing you around the room, mate.
Oh, shut up.
What's he doing sitting in that drawer?
I am sitting in here cos someone once told me it was good for the complexion,
you stupid
Olive, give me your hand out.
I love you.
You're all wet in paint.
It's all right.
Not on my vest.
Here, give us a hand.
Oh, look, he's broken the drawer.
That's Olive's bottom drawer.
No, it's his bottom drawer.
But don't you get it?
Bottom drawer, you know.
Oh, God, love.
Come on, love.
Here, have a sit down on the bed, love.
You look really piled.
Well, perhaps I will just for a moment.
Just have a sit, love.
Ow!
I'm riddled with splitlers, it's agony.
Go away on the bed, dear.
Olive will look after you.
Oi!
Don't worry.
Leave them.
They'll work their way out.
Get the lock drawer.
Get what?
Lock drawer.
What, down there?
Well, it travels.
Here, love.
I've got a needle.
Not without your glasses.
That might end up anywhere.
Let's stand and have a go.
Oh, no, love.
You can have my reading glass.
Right, OK.
Go on, give him the needle.
Hold your head still.
You're as blind as a bat you are without them.
Right, now then.
Are you
Do you
Do you two mind leaving the room?
Go on, get out.
Get out, go on.
I'll guide you.
Here, go on, out you go.
Don't ever mind locking gates.
Well, don't stand there like that, mate.
I can't get them out like that, can I?
Well, lay on the bed.
Flat on the stomach.
Go on, lay on the bed.
Will you be careful?
Bloody painful.
You're a big baby, you are.
That's all you are.
Get over.
Hold it up, hold it up.
God, blimey.
Looks like a picture of the moon.
Imagine them fellas going 250,000 miles when they get a picture like this.
Oh, there's a beauty here, mate.
Hang on, hang on.
Hang on.
That's not good.
This needle's too small.
Let's get a bigger one.
No, no, no, no.
No, don't do that.
Try on his tweezers.
They're in the drawer there.
In the drawer, right.
I'll do it, mate.
God, blimey.
They're a bit small, aren't they?
Look, if they get Ollie's eyebrows out, they'll get anything out.
Get on with it.
Oh, there's a beauty there.
What are you doing?
What do you mean, what am I doing?
I'm looking for splinters, aren't I?
Blimey, you look like hedgehog down here.
Oh, there's a beautiful batch there.
I'm fed up with this.
It's all your fault.
I shouldn't have let you decorate the room in the first place.
And to think you was worried about a bit of paint on your head.
You better laugh, mate.
If I tell you something, I'm having the builders in here tomorrow to scrape
this lot off and start from scratch and you can pay the bill.
Right.
If that's the way you feel about it, mate, here's the tools.
Here's the tools.
And you can get the builder to take the splinters out and all.
Will you stand?
Stand up, leave me like this.
What a night.
You and your busman's book.
Boy, good.
I tell you something.
I'm not pinching any more paint from this depot.
That's for sure, boy.
I'm telling you that.
And the builder in this morning, he wants 40 liquor to redecorate the room.
I thought you told me you estimated 30.
That was before we had a go at it.
He wants another tenant to scrape it all off again.
Never again, I'm telling you.
I've got to call you.
What's up, Nobby?
They're going to do a spot check in the stores.
I've got to put that paint back.
You're going to be lucky, mate.
I've used it.
Well, we'll have to buy some more for someone to replace it.
Otherwise, I've had it.
What are you talking about?
You said it wouldn't be missed.
Well, I'm sorry.
I wasn't able to fiddle it so soon.
It'll be five pound.
Five pound?
If we don't get the Indian in inside an hour, well, we'll all get the job.
Yeah?
God, come on, mate.
God, I've only got a fiver.
What about a couple of pints of it?
What a liberty, eh?
Doing a spot check without informing us.
Don't they trust us?
Trust us?
Blimey, you can talk.
Who was it that said you can have anything?
Er, what's it?
The governor.
What?
Oh.
Morning, sir.
Good morning, sir.
See that?
Yeah.
It's what I told you.
Management always gets the best perks.
It's the only perks you have, mate.
You can pinch it, take it home, bunk it back in the stores the next morning,
and nobody's any the wiser.
Come on, let's get to work.
Yeah, right.