The Brady Bunch (1969) s03e05 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Is it ready yet?
Can't you see
we still have to decorate it?
I mean, does the dunking part work?
Oh, you bet it does.
Believe me Watch it, Pete.
Believe me, if you hit that bull's-eye
splat! Down you go.
Boy, this is going to be the best booth
in the whole school carnival.
Step right up, folks, step right up
to the Brady booth,
and for ten cents
for the tenth part of a dollar
let's see who can dunk the, uh
dunkee, whoever he is.
It wouldn't hurt you
to do a little work on it.
ALICE: That's fair.
Hi, Greg.
Hey, Greg, what's the matter?
Who said anything was the matter?
Well, if nothing's the matter,
what are you so sore about?
Nothing. Ah, come on.
If you tell someone,
you're supposed to feel better.
The coach took me
off the first-string basketball team.
No wonder you're sore.
Now I'm sore, too.
You know who beat me out?
Who? Warren Mulaney.
Warren Mulaney?
That's the same guy who beat you out
for student council president.
Some president.
He got elected by making
a lot of phony promises he didn't keep.
How did he get to be first string?
By buttering up the coach.
And then when the coach isn't looking,
you should see the way he goofs off.
Boy, he really is a phony.
He's a bummer, all right.
The crumb bugs me worse
than anybody I know.
You name it anybody.
Jan, guess what.
Okay, I'll guess.
What?
I just got asked for a date
to the pizza parlor.
So what's such a big deal?
By a high school boy.
You're kidding!
No.
He's coming by after dinner.
Your first high school date.
But where did you meet him?
On the way home from school.
What's his name?
Warren Mulaney.
Wow!
Come on, Greg.
We're going to start decorating
the dunking machine.
You don't need me.
Sure we do.
What, you got a problem?
Yeah.
Well, you run on down.
I'll be there in a minute.
Okay, the one who does the most work
gets to be dunked first.
That sounds fair to me.
( Sighs )
Well, what's the problem?
You know that guy who beat me out
for student council?
Oh, yeah, what was his name? Warren?
Warren Mulaney.
Bugs me just to say it.
Well, what about him?
Today he beat me out
for first string on the basketball team.
Oh well, I'm sorry about that.
Come on, you can't win them all.
You know that, don't you?
Dad, he's always
beating me out at something.
I don't mind getting beaten out,
but he doesn't even play fair.
He's a phony, buttering-up, conniving
Oh, Greg, come on.
Don't let it get you down.
Look, if that's the case,
the coach is going
to find out sooner or later.
Well, how does that help me now?
Every dog has his day.
I'm not so sure with a dog like Warren.
Cheer up.
Come on down and help us
if you feel like it.
Marcia, Jan?
How about some help
with the carnival booth?
We're coming, Dad. Okay.
Do you think Mom and Dad
will let you go out
with a high school boy?
Why not? As long as he's real nice.
Well, is he?
He seems to be.
I wonder if Greg knows him.
You go on. I'll be down in a minute.
Okay.
Greg? Can I talk to you for a second?
What about?
Well, this real cool guy asked me
to go to the pizza parlor with him.
So?
He's in high school.
Congratulations.
Well, he's in your class
and I thought if you knew him,
you could tell me what he's like.
Every guy in my class is okay
except one Warren Mulaney.
As far as I'm concerned,
he's public enemy number one.
Well, what's the matter with him?
I guess you didn't hear.
That worm beat me out for first
string on the basketball team.
Gee, Greg, I'm sorry.
That guy is at the top of my crumb list.
In fact, he's at the
bottom of my crumb list, too,
and he's every crumb in between.
Mom?
Hmm?
A boy from high school asked
me to go to the pizza parlor.
Ooh, a high school boy.
Aren't we growing up?
Before you know it, it'll be college boys.
This one's just a high school boy.
Can I go?
Well, I think it'll be okay,
but we would like to meet him first.
I told him to come on over.
If we can go, great.
Fine.
There may be one little problem, though.
Oh? What's that?
Greg doesn't like Warren.
That's his name Warren Mulaney.
Why doesn't Greg like him?
Warren took his place
on the basketball team.
Well, I'm I'm afraid
that's Greg's problem.
It really isn't yours.
I know it and you know it.
I just hope Greg knows it.
Thanks, Cindy.
You're welcome.
Do I look okay?
Uh-huh. Is that the new style?
Is what the new style?
Wearing two different shoes.
Thanks, Cindy.
I guess I'm a little nervous about Warren.
If he makes you nervous,
why are you going out with him?
It's not him.
It's how Greg feels about him
that's got me uptight.
Are you going
to let him kiss you good night?
That is none of your business.
I know.
I just thought I'd ask you anyway.
Okay, paprika
( muttering softly )
Okay
cu cumbers
Hi, looking for something?
Greg.
Warren will be here any minute
and I want to keep them apart.
Well, Greg went to the library.
Oh, good.
Well, I don't know, I think he went
to pick up a book on witchcraft.
You will let me know if
Prince Warren turns into a frog.
( laughing )
That was just a joke, honey.
Not to me, Alice.
Sorry.
( Doorbell rings )
That must be Warren.
Uh margarine, margarine.
Hi, Alice, I'm home.
Hi.
Don't go in there.
Why not?
Uh pie. Pie you didn't
have any pie after dinner.
You rushed right out to the library.
Sure I had pie.
I even had seconds.
This'll be my third helping.
Well, this will be your third on firsts,
but it's only your second on seconds.
Huh?! Well, the pieces you had at dinner
were first and seconds, right?
So this will be your third on firsts
or your second on seconds.
Alice, I think you're a little pie-happy.
Well, anyway, have another piece.
It's an end cut, you'll just love it.
Why don't you sit down?
I'll get my parents.
Okay.
Who are they?
That's a new group
called "the nosy bodies."
Cindy, would you ask Mom and Dad
to come down?
Okay.
Thanks, Alice.
I guess I better get up
to my room now and study this.
I got a test tomorrow.
Wait a minute. Uh
What's the matter?
Uh ice cream.
Oh, that pie was
supposed to be a la mode.
You got cheated on every piece you had.
So I'll get it. Look, the way I figure it,
you've got about a half a gallon coming.
Honest, Alice,
I couldn't eat another bite.
I guess my worst subject's history.
I get confused with the dates and
Marcia?
Hi, Greg!
What's he doing here?
Well, Warren's taking me
to the pizza parlor tonight.
He's the guy you were talking about?
Yeah.
Well, you can tell him to leave
before I throw him out.
Greg, what are you so sore about?
Mom, Dad, I'd like you
to meet Warren Mulaney.
Warren, this is my mom and dad.
Hello, Warren.
CAROL: It's nice to meet you.
WARREN: It's nice meeting you, too,
Mr. and Mrs. Brady.
CAROL: Oh, yeah, Martha.
Oh, sure, the kids can hardly wait.
Well, the junior high school carnival
is the highlight of the year for them.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Well, hold on just a second, Martha.
I'll ask him, okay?
Martha wants to know
if the dunking machine's ready.
The dunking machine is ready, Martha.
Yeah. Did you hear that, Martha?
Yeah, the dunking machine is ready.
Oh, Martha, you are a devil.
Yeah, that would be funny, mm-hmm.
( Silence )
Yeah, uh-huh, yeah, Martha, yeah.
Honey, would you come here?
Well, look, Martha, I have to go.
Mike's calling me.
Uh-huh, I think something's burning.
Yeah, sure, I'll do that.
Okay, Martha, bye.
You know what she said? No.
She thought it would be fun
to get the principal
on the dunking machine.
Empty every piggy bank in the school.
You know what I think?
I think it would be fun
to get Martha on the dunking machine.
She never stops talking.
MARCIA: Good night, Warren,
and thank you.
Hi, honey.
Did you have a good time?
Well it was okay.
That's all? Just okay?
Yeah, you know, I thought,
"Wow, a high school boy,"
but Warren's just the same
as the boys in my junior high class,
except he shaves once a month.
Well, maybe you ought to catch him
on the nights he shaves.
Well, he did put on
some smelly after-shave lotion.
At first I thought it was
the pepperoni pizza he ordered.
Anyway, I was going to invite him
to the school carnival Friday night.
Well, what made you change your mind?
Well, he's not all that great
and I don't see any sense
in getting Greg all upset.
Good night.
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night, dear.
Marcia.
Just a minute.
As soon as you're finished,
I want to talk to you.
Good, I want to talk to you, too.
I've decided I don't
care what you've decided.
You better not go out
with Warren Mulaney again.
But Greg, I was No buts about it.
You better not go out with him.
I'm telling you once and for all, okay?!
Since when did you become my boss?
You heard me, Marcia.
Don't go out with him.
And what if I do?
Well, then, Miss Benedict Arnold,
you'll find out what.
( Grunts angrily )
BOBBY: I don't want tuna.
I had tuna yesterday.
You have peanut butter and jelly.
Jan has the tuna.
I got the tuna! I wanted
peanut butter and jelly.
( Younger Bradys arguing )
( All talking at once )
( Whistles loudly )
Hold it!
Whatever you have
in your hands right now,
that is lunch.
Now, come on, scoot.
You're going to be late for school.
( Kids continue arguing )
Thought about what I said last night?
Did you hear me?
I heard you.
Well? What are you going to do about it?
I'm going to ask Warren to go
to the school carnival with me.
You're going to what?!
I wasn't going to
until you opened your big mouth.
Now I am!
Marcia, you better not.
Not only that,
I'm going to ask Warren
to come home from school today
with me and help me with my homework.
Marcia, you're really asking for trouble.
MARCIA: And just who's
going to give it to me?
GREG: You're looking at him.
Oh, I'm so scared!
What is this? A shouting match?
Greg thinks he's my boss.
He thinks he can tell me
who I can go out with
and who I can't.
Did you say that, Greg?
MARCIA: That's exactly what he said.
If I go out with Warren
or if I ask him to come over
this afternoon, he'd make trouble for me.
Marcia, I think you're going
to be late for school, honey.
Come on. I guess I better get going, too.
I think you have a little time left.
Sit down.
You didn't answer my question.
Yes, sir, I said that.
Listen, Greg, it's not for you
to tell Marcia who to go out with.
Mom, can you imagine how I felt
when I saw that guy?
My worst enemy,
right here in my own home.
This is Marcia's home, too,
and as long as your
mother and I approve,
she can invite anyone over
that she wants to.
Is that clear?
Yes, sir.
Okay.
Does that go for the rest of us, too?
Sure, it does.
There aren't any special
rules just for Marcia.
Great.
Now, what was that
turnaround all about?
What's so great?
I don't know
and I'm not sure I want to find out.
Why can't I go first?
Because it's ladies first.
You can be next, Bobby.
I want to go first.
Knock it off.
When are you going to grow up?
When I get older.
( Mocking laughter )
Okay, you all set?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, let 'er rip, Peter.
Wait till I get out of here.
When I take a bath, I want hot water,
a little privacy and a lot of bubbles.
Okay, here it comes.
You missed. Some arm.
Aw, come on, give me a chance.
I'm not warmed up yet.
( Screams )
Hang on, honey.
Here comes the Coast Guard.
My turn now.
Did you see that?
Right smack in the middle.
Yeah. Vida Blue better start worrying
about his job.
Why can't I do it again?
Because it's my turn.
Yeah. Only one dunk to a customer.
And besides, you promised to help me
make some cookies for
the carnival. Oh, yeah.
Come on.
Okay, Pete, really lay one in there.
I'm ready.
Okay, here it comes.
Come on, hit the target.
I'm trying to.
Peter, it's time to do your homework.
In a minute, Mom.
Not in a minute. Now.
Okay.
Hey, I want to get dunked.
You heard what Mom said.
You make a dumb-looking mermaid.
The first United Nations
conference was held in
San Francisco.
Right.
Psst!
Psst!
Jan's at the childish age
where she's big on secrets.
I'll be back in a minute.
What do you want?
Greg's on his way home from school.
Oh, good!
I can't wait to see his face
when he sees Warren here.
You better get a grip on your own face.
He's bringing someone home.
Who?
That girl that beat you
out at cheerleading.
Kathy Lawrence.
Kathy Lawrence?!
He knows she's on the bottom of my list.
He's just trying to bug me.
What are you going to do about it?
Nothing.
Not a thing.
Nothing!
I'm not going to let
Kathy bother me one bit.
I won't give Greg the satisfaction.
But
A parallelogram
A parallelogram
Oh, yeah, it's a
Uh it's a four-sided figure
in which each pair of opposite sides
remains the same distance apart.
Right.
GREG: I'm sure it
wasn't too hard for you.
Hi, Marcia.
You know Kathy, don't you?
Why, of course.
It's so nice to see you again, Kathy.
Hi, Marcia.
MARCIA: Oh, this is
Warren Mulaney. Hi.
Hi.
Warren's on the first-string
basketball team in high school.
Kathy's head cheerleader now.
Oh, congratulations, Kathy.
I'm sorry you didn't make
cheerleader, Marcia.
It's really fun.
Oh, well, can't win them all.
Uh
Come on, Kathy.
Let's go do your homework.
I was sure surprised to see you today.
I didn't think you even remembered me.
How could I forget you?
I mean, I really dig the way
you lead those cheers.
No kidding?
Especially that "F-F-F-I-L" one.
Hey, how about doing it for me now?
Here?
I'd feel embarrassed.
Besides, I came over to study.
Please, Kathy, I'd really like to hear it.
And besides, I'm going to help
you do your homework.
Well, okay.
F-F-F-I-L
L-L-L-M-O
O-O-O-R-E.
Come on, Kathy.
What?
Really do it.
Are you sure it'll be all right?
Positive.
If you say so.
( loudly ): F-F-F-I-L.
L-L-L-M-O
O-O-O-R-E!
An obtuse triangle is
Fillmore Junior High!
Louder.
F-F-F-I-L
L-L-L-M-O
O-O-O-R-E!
Fillmore Junior High!
F-F-F-I-L
L-L-L-M-O
O-O-O-R-E!
Fillmore Junior High!
Yay, team! Yay, team!
Yay!
That was terrific, Kathy. That was great.
That was a wonderful cheer, Kathy.
Warren thinks it's better
than the high school cheer for his
first-string basketball team.
I hope you're still not sulking
about being replaced.
Would you excuse me, please?
Sure.
Got a second, Marcia?
Got all the time you want.
That was a dirty trick.
Speaking of dirty tricks,
how about you inviting Miss Rah-Rah?
You started it
by bringing over that sardine.
MARCIA: Sardine!
( Marcia and Greg continue
arguing in distance )
Hey, honey.
Here you go.
Yeah, yeah. I got it.
Hey, kids, what's going on?
What's the big attraction?
PETER: Hi, Mom, hi, Dad.
Greg and Marcia are really going at it.
JAN: You should hear them.
I never seen them so mad!
About what?
About Kathy Lawrence.
Greg asked Kathy over to bug Marcia
for asking Warren over to bug him.
Sounds like an unpopularity contest.
The whole thing is beginning to bug me.
Can we listen?
No, kids, you stay out here.
How come we always
have to miss the good stuff?
Mayday! Mayday!
Anybody?
You started the whole thing
by trying to boss me.
Benedict Arnold, that's who you are.
( Door opens )
Hi.
Hi. Think we better have a little talk.
Dad, I've got a guest in the family room.
Your guest can wait.
And Kathy's waiting for me
Uh, she can wait, too.
After you.
You've both been behaving very badly.
And that's putting it mildly.
Can't you see what you've been doing?
I was fighting with Greg.
But there's something
more important here.
You've involved other people.
You've been using Warren and Kathy.
What do you mean, "using" them?
Well, you kept on seeing Warren
even after you said
he wasn't all that great.
Yeah, did he suddenly get great,
or was he the best way
to get back at Greg?
I think Warren had the impression
that you really liked him.
MIKE: What about you, son?
Is Kathy Lawrence really
your choice for a date,
or was she just the
best thorn you could find
to put in Marcia's side?
Well, I guess
there are other girls I'd rather see.
Can't you see
how selfish and unfair
you've been to them?
I don't know what else to say
except I'm sorry.
I am, too.
Well, don't tell us
tell them.
MARCIA: Alice, do you know
what happened to Warren and Kathy?
Well, like you kids say, they split.
They must have been pretty mad at us.
No, they didn't look mad.
In fact, they looked kind of chummy.
What do you mean, "chummy"?
Well, he said,
"Hey, how'd you like to go
to the pizza parlor?"
And she said, "Far out."
And she said,
"How about taking me to
the carnival Friday night?"
And he said, "Far out."
He said, "So long."
And I said, "Far out."
I didn't want him to think I wasn't on it.
With it.
With it.
How about that?
I'm really glad for them.
Me, too.
But we still have to apologize.
Let's go down to the pizza parlor.
Far out.
( Screams )
Aw, come on, who thought
that was funny?
Who's doing the thing with the baseball?
Hey, that's kind of nice.
Oh, it's marvelous! Whee!
ALICE: Gee, that was a great carnival.
( Everyone talking excitedly )
GREG: Who wins a panda bear?
What are you going to
do with the goldfish?
Hey, you should look at it
through my magnifying glass.
You'll really think you caught something.
Hey, Alice, you didn't tell us what you got.
Yeah, Alice.
Oh, just a pair of those
silly kid trick handcuffs.
Marcia, I'll trade you that for
this. Come on, kids, that's enough.
Will you get the lights, Alice?
Oh, sure, Mr. Brady.
Okay, good night.
CAROL: Everybody upstairs.