A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019) s03e06 Episode Script

Yeah, girl, I had to park
six blocks away.
My sister doesn't let anyone park
in front of her house
in case her man decides to come back.
So, now I'm just walking down
this dark, unsafe alley. Hello?
Damn it! No, I am too fertile to die.
Those bad ass kids fryin' bacon
on my radiator again?
You guys, I told you just
because something is hot
doesn't mean it's a grill.
What is that smell?
Look at you over there
all dark and lovely.
- What?
- Prepare to fry.
- It burns.
- Lye.
No, for real. It's burning.
No, Lye, that's how you know
it's working.
No! My chemically-smooth follicles!
This is what I get for leaving
that penny on tails the other day.
Wait. Who's there?
I don't have any money.
My Civil Rights-themed denim line
did not take off the way I expected.
Kanekalon!
No, don't put no spells on me.
Kanekalon! The highest quality
pre-stretched 1B!
Hair like this can only
be purchased online.
Knotted or knotless,
my wrath is unbreakable.
No! Don't leave me here!
Another abandoned box braid
in the street!
Your kitchen is no match for these
hands. This kink is indestructible.
It's been trimmed, treated,
and deep conditioned.
Stay away. I am very humid.
Where I once was new growth,
I am now wise strength,
the strongest, truest form.
You're not going anywhere now.
I think we need to get something
straight.
Look who it is. My natural enemy.
I may be weak, but it'll take
you years to get rid of me.
Honey, it'll take you more than
Just For Me to get rid of me.
Can your transitioning hair
fight the elements?
Introducing Rain Fighter 1B,
the video game that puts
your follicles to the test.
Yes! Fuck you, rain.
It isn't personal,
it's strictly frizz-ness.
Rated T for texture.
What in the Coachella is this?
I think it's an inauguration.
Shit. Maybe we went back in time
to Obama's first one.
God, I hope so.
I really need a do over,
I wore all the wrong footwear that day.
I'm not even sure I was born yet.
What year was that again?
- Skye
- Well, that's not Obama. Who is that?
See, see, see, grand rising
my fellow Nubian kings and queens.
Grand rising?
What are we, biscuits?
Now, as you already know,
I'm Dr. Haddassah Olayinka
Ali-Youngman, pre-PhD.
Or as you can now call me
President Dr. Haddassah
Olayinka Ali-Youngman, pre-PhD.
- Pre? That's not a thing.
- President?
No really, what year was that?
Was "Moana" out yet?
Delilah, you put your foot up
in these stuffed pork chops
and you know how much I love feet.
Eat up, Autumn,
I'm sure they're not giving you
home cooking like this on campus.
No. But I also don't have to hear
about my father's foot fetish.
Gross. Sorry, Gabby.
No, don't be.
Anyway these pork chops are bomb!
Wilbur? I hardly knew her.
You get it? Pig?
Sorry, I'm a standup comedy major
and we haven't really gotten
to punch lines yet.
Thanks Mom and Dad,
but I didn't come just to eat dinner.
I have something to tell you guys.
I love you and I hope you still
love me after you learn this.
I'm gay.
You got to be kidding me.
That's disgusting.
Me and Sawyer have worked too hard
to make this a nice place to live.
We don't have that under this roof.
Okay. I don't know how I thought this
was gonna go, but this was not it.
Out of my house.
I want it out of my house now.
You know what?
Let's just go, Autumn.
I'm not a JoJo single. You only have
to ask me to leave once.
It? Jeez, mom, I'm still your
daughter, nothing's changed.
You know, actually some things
have changed.
This dress, this is like
a straightjacket for me.
As you can see from my formal athletic
wear there's nothing straight about me.
Lord have mercy,
I done lost my appetite.
The audacity. Coming into
my house trying to eat my food.
Mom, sit down!
It's not contagious.
I just don't wanna cosplay
as a Midwestern straight woman.
I don't want to wear Gucci.
I want to wear out coochie.
They are so hairy.
Yeah. I haven't shaved my armpits
in a while,
but that's not because I'm gay,
I'm just lazy.
And, you know what?
Gabby is not just my roommate.
She's my girlfriend. We're in love.
Oh my God, it is two of them!
It's looking at me.
It can't stop looking at me!
It's looking at me too!
It's looking at both of us.
- It's looking at me, too.
- You know what, Mom and Dad?
I just wanted you to know the real me,
but today I got to know the real you.
I hated lying to you guys,
but now I wish
I could just take it all back.
Come on, Autumn.
We should get out of here!
Yeah, you're right.
We should just go.
Shit! Tarantulas?
Is that what you were yelling about?
I thought you were mad
at me because I'm gay.
Honey, we always knew you were gay
You always fast forwarded
the Nick Cannon parts
in "Love Don't Cost a Thing".
Of course, Christina Milian
was in that movie.
If you didn't feel comfortable coming
out sooner, that's on us.
We're just happy you're telling us now.
Hey mom, hey dad, hey sis,
hey sis' friend.
Have you guys seen Sir and Rumi?
They got out of their terrarium.
I had to get a new one.
Cool, what did I miss?
- I'm gay.
- With me.
What was the news though?
I love that we're doing this.
I haven't felt this free since
I started wearing cupless bras.
When you said we were starting your
birthday month out with an acid trip
at a Tierra Whack concert and doing
a paper bonfire ritual,
I was skeptical.
Me too, but writing down
what's holding us back
and releasing it into the fire
actually feels good.
Look at my lil bonfire babes.
I love y'all.
Just call me a baby shower
for your fourth kid
'cause I am doing too much
for this birthday.
Damn!
Who's Ally? And why don't y'all
wanna celebrate her birthday?
What the fuck is that?
Ally, I love you, but I don't fuck
with talking fires.
See, I told you guys we shouldn't
be breathing in the fumes
from the paper slips.
Shit! Mother nature is wild for this!
Yes! Now who you know have
a talking fire at their birthday?
It's anthropomor-lit.
Wait, wait, don't go. I'm not here
to hurt you. I'm Fuega.
Okay, Fuega, give us a second.
Somebody's messing with us 'cause
this can't possibly be happening.
I like the fire. She got a warm
personality. Y'all get it?
Nah. I'm legit, look.
Fuck Ally and her birthday bullshit.
Which one of y'all wrote that?
Okay, look, it was me.
Look, Ally, l love you.
We all love you, but on your
birthdays you always do too much.
I used 14 vacation days to go on
your birthday Bigfoot search party.
Come on! It was Chewbacca Flocka
Flame! Everybody loves a theme party.
You had us spend two weeks
in the woods
looking for a nigga that doesn't exist.
A nigga that doesn't exist is a man
in his 20's with both a bed frame
and more than two towels.
We all know this.
- Big facts.
- This bonfire's turned into a roast.
Come on then, Boston Market.
It's a rotisser-me.
Put some sauce on me, let's go.
That's me. I'm a little juicy chicken.
I'm tired of celebrating Ally.
We had to put a 1500 dollar deposit
on a yacht for tomorrow.
1500 dollars for dancing at sea?
Now, I'm not gonna make rent
at the end of the month.
I'm still paying off my credit cards
from your last birthday, Ally.
You're my little Debt-ie Allen.
Still, my credit's fucked up, so
And did you or did you not get
15 DM slides that day?
You know who else slid in my DMs?
The IRS.
Some of those debt collectors
be fine though, girl.
Come on, girl,
the IRS can make you an MRS.
I hate that Ally celebrates her
birthday for a month straight.
You were born one day,
you get one day.
Ally, I love you,
and I never thought
that would be read out loud.
I wanna support, but after I didn't
get picked at your birthday orgy,
shit just went real left.
But you were the MVP.
You won the slam dick contest.
Yeah, I did. But you picked
an odd number of people,
so when I asked people if I could join,
the only thing that answered me was
my echo, and it was like, no, no, no.
But I said, yes, yes, yes. You better
own your celibacy, queen.
It's not by choice,
It's because I literally can't find
anyone to fuck me.
Come on! Every sex marathon needs
a Gatorade girl and you killed it.
This is an invasion of privacy. Please,
do not read anything else, Miss Fuega.
No. You've read stuff from all of us,
so now read one of Ally's.
Plot twist.
Come on, roast me, combustion queen.
Come on, Fuega.
Well, let's see here.
There's nobody else I wanna
celebrate my birthday with.
I love my girls. We're the best
foursome since The Wiz.
That just makes me feel worse.
I'm sorry. We're tripping.
Yeah. Of course we wanna celebrate
our girl forever.
- We love you.
- And I love y'all.
Now y'all go on and I'll meet you
at Mariah Karaoke.
Okay, get ready.
- Bye, girls.
- Bye, Fuega, it was nice meeting you.
Now you got my money or do you want
me to tell 'em what you really wrote?
My girls are some broke ass bitches.
I hate they ass.
They wouldn't know a fun birthday
if it popped 'em in the damn ass.
Okay. I see you.
USPS trying to blackmail me.
Well, just call me Jason
'cause I was Bourne
for this ultimatum.
Here's your little money, girl.
No! Don't throw the money
in the fire!
Don't make it rain in the fire!
We don't like rain.
Good job, girl.
You tried to force my hand,
but your plan went up in smoke.
Wait till you die, bitch.
I can't wait to cremate your ass,
extra crispy,
and get rid of that dookie braid.
I can't wait till you die
so I can burn that braid.
See, see, see, as a self-taught
professor, a self-published author.
And a self-proclaimed
Nobel Laureate of slam poetry.
How long were we asleep?
Not long enough for them to start giving
out Nobel Prizes for slam poetry.
Or electing "hertep" presidents.
It's a new day, Africa America.
It's a blacker day.
We didn't land on Plymouth Rock.
The rock landed on us.
I said Dwayne Johnson is a problem.
Is he Samoan or is he Black?
Do you smell what I'm cooking?
I mean, bars. But also, what?
I said, for far too long, we sat Idly
by while you crushed our dreams
and pressed our hair, but no more.
See, see, see, for the last decade
I've been secretly running
the Millstone Coffee Corporation.
That's right, be shocked.
Who Millstone? This Millstone?
While you were getting
your caffeine fix,
you were actually funding
my shadow organization.
That's right. You all thought
I was a poor prophet,
but indeed I've been plotting
this whole time.
It's a conspiracy people,
that's what I'm trying to say,
perpetrated by me.
With your money, I've been able
to mind control four Black women
into thinking it was
the end of the world.
I think she's talking about us.
Is she talking about us?
But in truth, I helped them discover
their higher selves
and the door to freedom that has
always been open to them.
Triple word score. Zootaxy.
You can look it up later.
You about to lose, Nephew.
I'm not gonna lie, Unc,
it's been a minute
since I spelled in public.
Clearly. That brings us
to Team Ronald, me,
232, and the losing team,
Team Nate, that's you, 102.
You need to make
some bolder choices, son.
Like when Prince had
his ass cheeks out
even when he knew he had leather
seats in his little red Corvette.
Yeah, it was probably sticky
as hell.
I know my sister's baby boy
did not come up in my house
and spell the word of our oppressors.
You told me to make
bolder choices, okay?
I only had a N and a J,
and jigger wouldn't work
'cause last round,
you said no Jay-Z vocabulary when
I wanted to play uh-hah-uh-hah.
Jigger is a word. And J counts
for eight points.
What is a jigger? A nigga who jogs?
That sounds even more racist.
Did you hear that?
What, grandma's ghost humming
"The Jefferson's" theme song?
Shit! You must've left
another pot on the stove.
No, no. It's the crowd yelling:
"Triple word score."
I must be an extra in Thriller,
'cause I'm dancing on your grave,
It ought to be Illegal whooping
your ass like this.
- I'ma call the cops on myself.
- See?
This is why no one likes
coming over here.
You take the fun out of everything.
Like when we were kids,
you made us play Mouse Trap
with an actual mouse trap.
What, you think I wanted kids
and vermin in my house?
Man up. Play.
Jigaboo?
You just said J was worth eight points.
I'm just trying to respect the player
and the game.
Well, if you want my respect,
why don't you play some word
don't make me wanna pop you
in your mouth?
Jigaboos? You just made it plural.
I'm capitalizing on your ignorance.
Thirty-six points.
You better act like a low-cal TV dinner
and make a smart choice.
What you mean?
Fool, I've been playing this game since
Sade made the forehead sexy.
I know all the point values
on this grid.
I know every tile that's in that bag,
and I know you holding an N.
You be putting me
under too much pressure.
Like, when I was six, you made me
confess to murder
when I lost Hangman.
I really thought I was going to jail.
But you didn't.
Scared you straight.
You're welcome.
So what you gonna do now, Nate?
You gonna make like a KFC biscuit
and choke?
Or you gonna look me
in my Black-ass face
and play the word "coon"
in my motherfucking house?
Damn it, Unc. You know
I can't beat you at Scrabble.
You making me do all this
for a car loan?
If you didn't wanna co-sign,
you could've just said no.
But why say no
when you can play no?
You know what? Screw it.
I'm done. I'ma get a real job.
I'd rather work for the man than play
these dumbass games with you.
You too good at them anyway.
It's weird.
No one is this good at games.
I swear, you be cheating, too.
Begging-ass Nate becomes
working-ass Nate.
Told you I'd watch out for him.
You trying to buy a phone charger?
I got them shits in pink,
purple, green,
cerulean blue, turquoise, sepia.
Fuck with me.
Good morning, adventurers!
I'm Sharita Jackson, your guide.
Welcome to Straight Outta Doors,
where we may not be a cappin',
but we sure are campin'!
I cannot wait to make life-lasting
bonds with all of y'all
on this one-day program.
I'm here to show you that despite
what your mama taught you,
smelling like outside
could actually be a good thing.
What was that?
That's just a fly. Rule number one
in my nature survival guide,
"It's Not That Serious,
It's Just Outside".
Critics said it would've made Oprah's
Book Club if she would've read It.
So we pluggin' books now?
I got signed copies of my new book,
"Beep, Beep, Boom, Boom, I'm from
the Bronx Nigga." 25 dollars.
Well, as informative as that sounds,
let's all go around and say our names
and why you wanna thrive
in the outside.
I'm Dre. I'm a Sagittarius,
so I'm freaky.
I'm from the Bronx,
and now that my house arrest is over,
my girl said I had to do something
outside in the dirt.
She sounds like a winner.
She got a fat booty, so she is.
Thank you.
- That's wonderful.
- I'm Loretta and What is that?
It's just a fly. Rule number one.
My fear of the outdoors
has gone too far.
I was at a backyard barbecue
and my mom offered me some potato
salad and I yelled: "Fuck you! No!"
And she slapped me. But I was just
yelling at an ant that I saw.
Well, by the time I get done with you,
the next time you see an insect,
you're gonna say, "Fuck yes!"
So It could crawl into my mouth
and eat my organs? No, thank you.
They don't do that.
Hi, my name is Zoe-Kate.
What's your name?
Zoe-Kate.
What are you doing?
Well, I was hearing little noises
coming from this here bush.
I figure it's an opportunity
to make myself a new friend.
Well, you know what?
That brings us to rule number two.
If something makes a noise,
don't talk to it.
That's a good idea! I'll sing to it.
Please don't.
Which brings us to our final rule.
No, no, no. Do not bring
the hot wings into the woods.
A bear will rip off your head
for a flat or a drum, okay?
So if anyone has wings, just please
put them in the fire pit.
But this is only like 30 wings.
Could we just eat 'em real fast?
Do you wanna die real fast?
Let it go.
Thank you. All right.
Now let's put it in the fire pit.
Everybody's wings in. In the pit.
- Just so you know, these are flats.
- Thank you.
- All the good stuff there.
- Come on, Dre. Put them in.
Nah, son. I square up with a bear
over my lemon pepper.
- Dre, put them in the pit.
- Nah.
- Take your wings, put them in there.
- Nah.
Dre, take the wings,
put them in the pit.
- It's not gonna happen.
- She said there's bears.
- There's no bears.
- Put the wings on the fire!
Okay, now that everyone
has their protective gear on,
are we all ready to take a dip
in the creek?
- Nice vest, Dre.
- Thanks. It's bulletproof.
Let's all take off our socks and shoes
in preparation to get our feet wet!
A Bronx nigga
never takes off her socks.
Okay, is everybody ready
to go to the creek?
Are there any sharks?
To recap, there are no sharks.
There are no bodies.
There is no treasure,
there are no pirates.
It's only three inches of water
and you cannot drown. Ready?
Something grazed my feet!
We're not even in the creek yet!
Well, today has been challenging.
But I refuse to give up.
- No, fuck!
- You tryna throw hands nigga-fly?
Beep, beep, boom, boom,
I'm from the Bronx, nigga.
Rule number one.
Be my friend, fly. You can rest
on my bosom, fly. Let's go!
Okay, fine! Fine,
Universe, you're right!
We're not meant to be outside.
Fifth and Decatur, I'm in yo' hood,
I seen a fine man,
here to see what's good.
Where you at?
Hello, Octavia.
Justine?
How did you get here so fast?
I taught you had a spin,
not how to drift race.
Your bike is no match
for my Maserati.
Just like my ex-fiancé Jericho
is no match for you.
Mostly because he doesn't exist.
But then again,
neither does Justine.
What? You dead?
You literally ghost rode the whip to
beat me here? What are you saying?
Why are you behind a box?
Where'd you go?
What? Your wig has
a protective style? Who are you?
Quiet. I'm Trinity,
the CIA's top agent.
I'm here on a mission to capture three
of the biggest arms dealers in the US.
Well, it's nice to meet you, Trinity.
But what's that got to do with me?
My man's all I came to see.
I rode here just to get the "D".
Quiet! Busted Rhymes. Get over here.
If we don't have the boxes, then
we're not gonna have no shipment.
Guns, guns, guns, guns, guns.
Yes, I need more guns.
That is why I lured you here.
Usually around men,
I go undetected like HPV.
But not them.
They see me for who I am.
My ex, Keedrick, used to see me
for who I was
till he start seeing other women
for who they were Hoes!
You're not getting it. Watch.
Don't go out there.
They got guns!
Hold on now.
Okay, Miss Natural Face,
Miss Glossier!
Honey, girl, you know you look good.
Come on, Juneteenth outfit
serving Black-only at the cookout.
I'm sorry, I'm in the wrong warehouse.
No, no, no. You good. Come kick it
with us, cutie. You like guns?
Nah, it's cool, sis. Now I'm done.
Those strong men got lots of guns. Bye.
Not so fast.
Usually being regular is my superpower,
but it doesn't work on them.
That's why you dress as that thot,
Justine.
That was just to get you here, idiot.
They love me no matter what l look like.
I've been tracking them
for three months
and they only put their guns down
to workout.
I need you to distract them
with exercise.
Me?
Nah, these abs, ass, and thighs ain't
free. Tell me what's in it for me?
- Fifty-thousand dollars.
- Bet.
Come on.
All right, fellas. Drop them guns.
Come with me and pop your buns.
Aye! Pop it.
Pop it, come on.
And tell me what is on your mind,
I'm trapped here and I got time.
Don't ask why and don't ask when,
just tell me your prob-e-lem.
Well, not to be messy,
but I've been doin' all the work and
all these guys take all the credit.
Nuh-uh, takin' all the credit,
shoot these fools and then forget it.
- Hey, let's go.
- You're right, workout lady.
Hey, foot work.
Really, Ronny?
Is that what we're doing?
'Cause I'm the one who left home
to come out here and do all this
arms dealing. Man, I miss my mama.
N-to the I-to the G-G-A.
Call yo' mama with no delay.
Come on.
You right, fitness sis.
I'ma call my mama.
I said, no delay.
I said no, no, no, no, no delay.
And rock it.
Come on.
Let's work, let's go.
Well, if we making complaints,
I don't even like guns.
They are so heavy. If we just sold
drugs like I suggested
Dang! We did that.
You like the chicken noodle soup
and I'm the soda on the side kick.
Get It?
Fifth and Decatur, a tale unfolds,
my girl kicked ass and I
I didn't get my money.
Where'd y'all go?
Where's my fifty thousand?
And now,
with my plan perfectly in place,
I will show all Black women
the true path to freedom.
One second.
Yes, hello, my king?
How are you gonna take a phone call
during your inauguration?
What's that? Yes. Well, just like that,
I can no longer be president.
Supreme Rahmeek has informed me
that my true place is in the house,
not in the White House.
That's the first time I've ever agreed
with a man named Rahmeek.
She wasn't even inaugurated.
She was un-naugurated.
De-naugurated.
I'm sorry, but good luck, ladles!
Free yourselves. Do what you want.
have a good time,
drink Millstone and stay Black.
- What just happened?
- I don't know.
Fuck what just happened.
I think the door's open.
Wait, it could be a trap.
She's right. We have no idea
which world we're walking into.
Does it matter?
No.
As long as we're together. Let's go.
As long as we eat first.
Yes, girl. Please. Absolutely.
All that money on mind control,
they couldn't even feed us?
I call shotgun.
Call shotgun how? We got kidnapped.
Who's gonna look better than you
dancing on the yacht?
You're my little Janelle No-Money.
Look at you, all dark-skinned
and queer. Come on.
Don't act like you don't like to dance
next to water, bitch.
- I do. I'm an Aquarius.
- Show me them shoulders.
Let's just go, Autumn.
I'm not an NSYNC song, okay?
You only need to say bye to me once.
We didn't land on Plymouth Rock.
Chris Rock landed on us!
We didn't land on Plymouth Rock!
Roc Nation landed on us.
We didn't land on Plymouth Rock.
The sitcom, Roc, landed on us.
Where even is Samoa?
I don't know geography. I don't
even believe in geography.
Think about it. Geography breaks
down to geo, as in a Geo Metro.
They want you to crash in a little
tiny car.
Rap, obviously.
Trying to take out hip-hop.
And fee? They want us to pay.
It's a conspiracy!
I might be allergic to tarantulas
'cause I bought 'em
and immediately fell asleep.
Let's play tic-tac-guns.
I had a full ride to Harvard.