Clarkson's Farm (2021) s03e06 Episode Script
Mushrooming
1
[theme music playing]
[birds chirping]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Now that we were heading
into high summer,
it was time
for one of the most enjoyable jobs
on the farming calendar:
putting the cows back in the fields
after their winter confinement
in the shed.
[Jeremy] Right, so we get four
in the trailer and off to Cow Ground.
[Kaleb] Yep.
[Kaleb groans]
[Jeremy groans]
Open that gate up.
I like working with you now.
- [Jeremy] What, you didn't used to?
- [Kaleb] No.
[Jeremy chuckles]
Go on then, cows. Good cows.
- Go on. Yes.
- [Kaleb] Get on.
- [Kaleb] Go on.
- [Jeremy] There we go.
[Kaleb] Go on.
[Kaleb groans]
[Jeremy] Right.
[Kaleb] Are you gonna go on your own
and I'll get the next four in?
[soft music]
[Jeremy] This is
one of my favourite days,
releasing the cows into the fields,
because they're so happy after What?
Five, six months
being locked up in the barn?
They suddenly have the freedom,
all that grass.
And it's like: "Oh, I remember."
[Jeremy] I arrived at the cow field,
remembering well
the last time we did this.
[mooing]
[Jeremy] Look at them! Excited cows!
Free!
[Lisa] Hey.
- So happy!
- [Jeremy laughs]
[Jeremy] "I'm free and out!"
[Jeremy] And he released the raptors.
Wait.
There. You're free. Now go.
[Jeremy] Is that it?
[cow mooing]
Come on! Where's all the running around?
You're supposed
to dance around and be happy.
You ungrateful bastards.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] After that letdown,
I went to inspect my Space Penises,
fully expecting some more disappointment.
Right.
I'm rather optimistically
going to bring
One crate? Two crates.
Two crates for my mushrooms.
I'll get into my Darth Vader outfit.
My rubber gloves on.
Yay! Holy Moly!
Look at those.
And those!
This is amazing.
Look at these beauties. Look at this.
This could work.
This could actually work.
So what you do to pick them,
it's a twisting,
strangling motion like
That's not quite right.
God!
I'm having mushrooms on toast tonight.
[Jeremy] Having boxed up the mushrooms,
I high-tailed it over to the farm shop
before it opened for business.
- [Jeremy] Lisa?
- [Lisa] Yeah.
- I've got good news.
- [Lisa] Yeah?
Wow! They're beautiful.
- They are, aren't they?
- What are they?
- Grey oyster mushrooms.
- Oh, my God.
I've made a thing for them.
- So we're selling them by the punnet.
- Yeah.
How much do you reckon for a punnet?
- [Jeremy] I say £3, £3,50.
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] We then went
to show them to Scott,
the chef in the shop's burger van.
- Wow.
- Aren't they beautiful?
- [Scott] These are all grown up at the
- [Lisa] Yes.
We're growing these. We're gonna have
a regular supply of mushrooms.
We can do mushrooms on toast
or something in the mornings.
- Yeah, mushrooms on toast.
- [Lisa] Yeah! Amazing.
[Jeremy] Everybody wants
mushrooms on toast.
We can make mushroom ketchup if you get
to the end and you've got loads left.
- [Lisa] Ooh!
- Nice!
- Yeah?
- Mushroom soup?
Yeah. Whatever you like.
- Vegan burger.
- Yeah!
- Finally we get Oh, it's not vegan.
- [Jeremy] Shit.
[chuckles]
[Lisa] What have you done?
What's wrong, love?
Oh no. What's wrong?
Are you all right?
[Lisa] Are you crying or laughing?
We've won the appeal.
- [Lisa gasps]
- [woman] Shut up!
- [Lisa] No way!
- Ah, nice!
[laughing]
Oh, my God!
We've won the appeal!
- Oh wow!
- [Lisa] What happened? Tell me!
- Stop the lights.
- I'm reading it.
[woman] Well done, guys.
- Oh, my God!
- [Jeremy] Oh, God.
I've been so worried.
- It's a hell of a long document but
- Bloody hell. That's juicy.
[Jeremy] Point 41:
"I shall for the purposes
of clarity and understanding,"
this is the planning inspector,
"correct the allegation
to a change of use to a mixed use
comprising agriculture, café,
restaurant, farm shop, parking
and lavatory facilities."
- He's given us the whole shebang?
- [woman] Blimey!
- The whole lot.
- [woman] Yes!
It seems we aren't That's gone.
We aren't allowed
to have a restaurant there.
- But we can have this here.
- [Scott] Amazing.
And we can make that a café in there.
[all laughing]
This is very
This is the biggest "fuck you"
to the council I've ever
[Lisa chuckles]
Oh, my God! I've been so worried.
That is amazing.
But it's also common sense.
- Well, of course it's common sense!
- I know.
The council didn't have any,
and there's an inspector
Do you think the council will appeal?
- I don't think the council will appeal.
- And spend everyone else's money?
This inspector's taken
How long? Four months?
I don't think he's going
to have made a mistake, is he?
Basically, we're safe.
And it seems to be for three years.
We're good to go for three years.
- We're back in business.
- [Lisa] The shop can do anything.
- [laughing]
- Fuck!
[soft joyful music]
[Jeremy] Lisa decided to celebrate
this victory over the council
by inviting all her thin,
blonde Oxfordshire friends over
for a spot of goat yoga.
[instructor] Squeeze and retract
the shoulder blades to open up the chest.
Into your Warrior 3 position.
Keep the hips square,
shoulders square, core on.
And then press
[Jeremy] I'm sure
this was all very modern
but I hadn't bought the goats
to be used as wellness props.
I'd bought them
to lay waste to my brambles,
something they could hopefully
start doing now they had a campsite.
However, we could only move them up there
if they were big enough.
[Jeremy] Right.
- Do you know what we're doing?
- We've gotta weigh them.
- And then, if it's underweight
- Yeah?
That's less than 17 kilograms,
we spray it red.
- Not the whole thing.
- 17 kilos?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
And then if it's ready to go outside,
it's green.
We're hoping they're all green because
Lizzie's coming to take the milk machine.
They're on solids now, aren't they?
- How do we get them into the harness?
- [Lisa] Here, look.
[Jeremy] You know how you get into it.
[Lisa] Right. Okay. Let's take a fatty.
- Don't! Stop eating my jeans.
- [Lisa] Quick.
- Uh-uh-uh. Stop it. No.
- [Jeremy laughs]
[Lisa] Ow!
[Lisa grunts] Stop it!
- [Jeremy laughs]
- Okay. That is 96.
You didn't Well, 96 what?
Pounds?
[Lisa] Kilograms.
It's not 96 kilograms.
That's heavier than me.
Right. Green.
No, don't let go until we've sprayed.
No, just spray. It's all right.
No, don't let go! Bring it back
or else we're gonna lose it.
[Lisa] Wait, I'm just Oh, my God.
We're gonna be here for days.
- [Jeremy] Stop it.
- [goat bleating]
- No, you've gotta get it in the middle.
- It's heavy enough, I can tell you.
This one's just coughed
and been sick all over me.
Get off. Get off!
This one is 16
with two back legs on the floor.
- [Jeremy] Well, that's not accurate.
- That is definitely over 17.
[Jeremy] In the middle
of this festival of incompetence
[Jeremy] Come on, man.
[Jeremy] Lizzie,
the goat expert, arrived.
[Lisa] Hi, Lizzie.
What are you doing?
[Jeremy] Weighing them.
[Lizzie chuckles] How's that going?
- Not very well.
- No! You surprise me.
- [Lisa] What did we say? 18 point?
- [Jeremy] But we haven't marked it.
- [Lisa] I have.
- Oh, you have?
- [Lisa] Yes.
- Is there an easier way of doing it?
Yeah. I can definitely think of one.
Like, use the scales.
That would be my recommendation.
[Jeremy] How do you make a goat
stand on a weigh scale?
Just, he'll stand there. It'll be fine.
[goat bleating]
[Jeremy] So in fact,
that's plugged into the mains, yeah?
[Lizzie] Yeah. We're all good.
If you stand by the screen
when I put him on.
It should give you a weight.
- Oh, yeah. 19.46.
- There you go.
So how Ow! That really hurt.
You're getting weighed next
for being a horrible goat.
Christ Al-bloody-mighty.
This is a porker.
Wow. 28.66.
- Oh!
- [bleating]
- Next time, if you put your hand not
- Yes, I've got that wrong.
23.92.
So you have grown good,
solid, healthy goats!
- So we're happy?
- We're very happy.
[Lizzie] You've done a very good job.
All of these boys
are certainly over seventeen.
- And very ready to go out.
- Ready to go out.
[Jeremy] Right.
[Jeremy] Before moving the goats
to their campsite,
there was something
I needed to clear up with Lizzie.
What's this I heard about
Well, I was reading in my book,
that if they escape then they're
- That would Yeah, like
- [Jeremy] Get off.
- If you get the
- [Jeremy] Stop it.
If you get the fencing wrong,
it's carnage,
because you'll never keep them in,
like, ever.
Once they learn They're so clever.
If they start escaping, that's it.
[Jeremy screams] Fuck me!
- I think it's trying to.
- [Jeremy] Jesus Christ!
[Lizzie laughs]
Right.
Sorry, what were you saying
about the fencing being catastrophic?
It could be catastrophic
if you don't get it right.
So Ow!
- Do you want a lunch box?
- [Lizzie] Yeah!
- [Jeremy] I need a cricket They know.
- You need a cricket box. They do know.
It's because I cut their balls off.
That really hurts.
- Don't do that again.
- [bleating]
Do not. Don't do that again.
Get off!
- They used to be so sweet.
- [Lisa] They were so small and cute.
[Jeremy] And now they're just
eating things.
- But if one does keep getting out
- [Lizzie] Yeah.
Best will in the world,
what damage is it going to do?
Apart from kicking people in the nuts.
So we had one really bad group
years and years ago
and they went for all our sapling trees.
They went through two fields
to get to the sapling trees.
[Lisa] They could go onto the road
and cause an accident.
Or your chillies.
- I don't know how many they'd eat
- They wouldn't.
They would certainly go through
your polytunnel.
Horns in a polytunnel
wouldn't be a good mix.
So, really, we've gotta be very careful.
[Lizzie] You really, really do, yeah.
- [Lisa] Can you imagine
- Look at Joe. He's in real trouble.
- [chuckles]
- [Joe screams]
- [Lisa] Here's our decoy here.
- Help!
[laughing]
- [Lisa] It likes you a lot.
- [Lizzie] Literally nothing's sacred.
Ow!
[Jeremy] We then showed Lizzie
the field where the goats would live.
[Jeremy] If I leave this alone for much
longer, it will all just be bramble.
[Lizzie] Yeah. They'll take the worst
of the brambles out.
[Jeremy] And at every opportunity,
she came back to the topic
of their escaping skills.
[Jeremy] And do they need things
to climb on?
We don't give them stuff outside because
they roll them into the electric fence
- and then use that as an escape.
- No!
- [Jeremy] No!
- Yes.
- [Jeremy] What? Like Stalag Luft III?
- Yeah, honestly. Like that.
Well, so rewind.
If we put their sort of wooden toys
they've got in their barn now
and put them in here,
they'll use them as a launching pad?
Yeah. We found that
with the big sort of oil barrels?
They roll them up into the fence
to short it out or use them to hop over.
- [Lisa] That's so cool.
- [Jeremy] No!
[Lizzie] They'll definitely be up
on that pig hut
and over that fence, like, within hours
if they had access to it.
- [Jeremy] Jesus.
- [Lisa] Clever, right?
They're very intelligent.
Do not underestimate them.
[classical music]
[Jeremy] While we were wondering
if a goat
could jump a fence on a motorcycle,
Kaleb and Charlie
were having a much grander day
in London.
They'd been invited to Downing Street
to talk to the Prime Minister
about his
"Back British Farm to Fork" initiative.
And given the importance of the meeting,
they met in a café
for a pre-match chat.
- [Charlie] So today?
- [Kaleb] Yeah?
- Quite a lot of people going.
- Quite big?
Jeremy told me to say
He said: "Kaleb, erm,
if you want any talking points,
just tell Ricky that he's probably not
going to be Prime Minister anymore."
Rishi.
Rishi.
The president.
The prime minister, sorry.
[Charlie] Yes,
that'll be a great place to start.
I would definitely go:
"Oi. Hello, Mr President.
- How are you, Ricky?"
- "Come and see me on the weekend".
"You won't be Prime Minister for long."
So what are you gonna talk about?
- What's your focus?
- [Kaleb] I'll do it on young farmers.
- Good.
- Young people getting into farming.
You can't go
and farm your own farm nowadays.
A, they're so expensive.
And B, everything's in a scheme.
- I got a quote for a tractor yesterday.
- Yeah.
After discount, it's £205,000.
I know. It's insane.
- Oh, Christ. We'd better go.
- Hm?
We're gonna be late.
[police sirens]
[Charlie] Trafalgar Square.
- [Kaleb] I drove through here!
- [Charlie] Yeah.
[Kaleb] I didn't put my indicator on
in this junction here.
- Really?
- Yeah.
[Charlie] There's Nelson, look.
- [Kaleb] Who's Nelson?
- He was an admiral.
- [Kaleb] He's up quite high up.
- He won a battle.
- Do you know what he's looking at?
- What?
- [Charlie] You see where those flags are?
- Yeah.
[Charlie] That's Admiralty Arch.
- OK?
- [Kaleb] Right.
[Charlie] He's looking
on the top of the arch.
There are loads of ships.
- And he's looking at that.
- He led the Battle of Trafalgar.
[Kaleb] All that concrete to build a man
that's looking over some
"I Heart London." Fuck that.
Press the button.
[Charlie] You press the button.
- [Kaleb] Where are we going?
- [Charlie] We're going down Whitehall.
- [Kaleb] What is that?
- [Charlie chuckles]
- [Charlie] It's a
- [Kaleb] Now what?
[Charlie] It's a very Just keep going.
So here we are. This is Whitehall,
this is where it all happens.
[Kaleb] What happens?
The management of the country!
There you go. Cabinet offices.
- [Kaleb] What's that?
- You know what the Cabinet is?
- [Kaleb] No.
- They're the more senior ministers.
[Kaleb] And they all work in there,
do they?
[Charlie] I don't know what time it is.
What time is it?
9:11.
[Charlie] Oh, we're a bit early.
We'll hang around.
[Big Ben chiming in the distance]
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Are you now just gonna try and get
- people to say "good morning"?
- Yeah.
Morning.
- They'll think you're a fruitcake.
- I'm just saying "morning"!
They They don't wanna talk.
[Jeremy] Soon it was time for them
to head for that famous black door.
[Kaleb] Ready? We gotta knock?
[Charlie] Yeah.
- Christ, all right.
- [crew] You might need to do it again.
What, knock?
- [doorman] If you want to step in.
- [Charlie] Okay.
- [doorman] Hi, guys. You all right?
- [Kaleb] How're you doing?
[doorman] Just a hint.
If you knock that loud again,
I'll throw you out.
[Kaleb] Say that again?
- [doorman] Don't knock so loud.
- [Charlie] Sorry, we're farmers.
- [doorman] I don't care.
- [Charlie] Okay.
- [doorman] I'm not.
- [Charlie] Okay.
[Kaleb] That told us.
[Jeremy] While Kaleb and Charlie
were being told off
by the Downing Street door police
[Jeremy] Come on, goats.
Let's get you in.
[Jeremy] Lisa and I
were finally moving the goats
into their new home.
So the idea is
This is their training garden.
- [Lisa] Yep.
- [Jeremy] And they live in here
until they've really eaten
all the dock leaves and what have you.
- Okay.
- Then you move them down.
And the idea is that their mouths get,
you know, used to
- [Lisa] Hardened.
- Yes, exactly.
- Oh!
- And they get hard mouths.
But then,
you see the bramble bushes, which is
what I want them to start eating.
- [Lisa] Yes.
- So when they start hitting brambles,
that's going to be interesting for me.
That's what I want them to eat.
[Jeremy] Before all that, though,
we had to go through
the unpleasant but necessary business
of getting them used
to the electric fencing.
- [Jeremy] Out you come.
- [Lisa] They are coming out!
- So the white fence is gentle power.
- [Lisa] Yes.
[Jeremy] And the orange fence
is the national grid.
Oh, look: "I'm plotting
I've got an escape route here."
"Hey, guys. Follow me."
"I reckon we could be over in a jiffy."
- [buzz]
- [goat bleating]
[Jeremy] Whoa! Was that a zap?
[Lisa] Oh no.
They're eating the gate posts.
[Jeremy laughs]
[Jeremy imitates bleating]
"Okay, I'm not eating
the gate posts anymore!"
[buzz]
[Lisa and Jeremy gasp]
- [buzz]
- [bleating]
Sorry.
- [buzz]
- [bleating]
[Jeremy] Bah!
- [buzz]
- [bleating]
[chuckles]
- [buzz]
- [bleating]
[laughter]
It's not funny.
- No, it's really mild. And look
- It's not funny.
- [bleating]
- [Lisa] I shouldn't laugh.
[Lisa laughs]
I'm not amused.
I don't like to see animals in pain.
But they do have to learn.
[Jeremy] And quite quickly,
they got the message.
[Jeremy] Well, look at them all now,
in the middle.
- [Lisa] Yeah.
- Their escape plans are in tatters
because of my security.
Eat.
Get your mouths hardened
and then you can go and eat brambles.
[softly bleating]
[Jeremy] Back at Number 10,
Charlie was taking part
in a highbrow think-tank discussion.
But you went through
the list of grants there?
[man] Hmm.
- And you haven't listed them all?
- [man] No.
- And all the schemes?
- [man] No.
You do need a PhD now
in grant applications if you're a farmer.
[Jeremy] Meanwhile, out in the garden,
President Ricky
was in full schmooze mode.
How are you? Rishi, very nice to see you.
So what are you guys
Is this all from the farm?
Yeah, from the farms.
We've got a Fenland Flag sausage.
And then we've got our traditional
butcher's sausage, our Great Bramblebee.
- Yeah? That's
- And then some bacon going as well.
Oh, my God! It's been smelling.
We were having Cabinet up there.
Literally, that's the Cabinet room there.
And everyone was just distracted
and smelling your stuff coming through.
It's great!
- [Kaleb chuckles]
- Look at this.
[Jeremy] Then,
in the actual Cabinet office
How are you?
[Jeremy] Kaleb got to meet
the Prime Minister.
Thanks for coming. Kaleb! How are you?
[Jeremy] This was his big moment
to talk about
attracting youngsters into farming.
- Are you okay?
- I'm very well, thanks.
- You've got lovely hair.
- Er, me?
[laughing]
- Had you heard otherwise?
- No, no, no.
- It was just a general comment.
- I just like hair.
[Jeremy] When the conversation
moved outside,
Kaleb finally did talk
about young farmers.
[Kaleb] The thing is in my head
[Jeremy] But he made a bit of a meal
about getting to the point.
You know, farming's not a job.
It's a way of life.
That is it. There's no other
option there. It's a way of life.
You don't get up and go:
"I've gotta go to work today."
I never ever wake up and go:
"I've really gotta work,
I've got an 8 to 5 job.
I can't wait to finish."
Halfway through the day, you go:
"Oh, I wanna go home."
I never do that. I wake up and go:
"Right, what am I doing today?"
Yesterday The day before, sorry.
I was out there milking cows
Then I went out there
and started mowing for silage.
And then I was spraying.
No day is the same.
- Everyone should have a dream.
- That's true.
A dream is somewhere to go
and to get to.
As soon as you accomplish that dream,
if you do it in 2, 3 or 5 years,
you've done it, set another dream.
And the thing I say all the time is
dreams don't work unless you do
[Kaleb's voice fades out]
[Jeremy] While Kaleb was bringing
the country to a grinding halt,
Lisa and I had gone up
to the mushroom bunker
to see if any more had fruited.
[Jeremy] Oh shit.
- Oh, my God.
- [Lisa] Have they not grown?
- [Jeremy] Oh, my God.
- [Lisa] What's wrong?
[Lisa groans]
What the?
[Jeremy] Look!
How many have we got? Thousands!
[Lisa] Oh, my God. So those are those.
[Jeremy] It's incredible.
[Lisa] Oh, my God.
- [Lisa] Wow.
- [Jeremy] Jesus.
[Lisa] These are ready.
[Jeremy] They're very ready.
Right.
- 24 hours ago, that didn't exist.
- [Lisa] I know.
[Jeremy] Where does the matter come from
that's made it?
In 24 hours?
[Lisa] Look at it.
[Jeremy] You need
to get selling mushrooms.
[Jeremy] What's more,
the extraordinary lion's mane mushrooms
had started to appear.
- [Lisa] Oh wow!
- It's like a sponge
that's mated with a cauliflower.
And that's a mushroom.
The man said that he reckons
that they're space penises.
That does look like it's from space.
That really does.
[soft country music]
[Jeremy] There was no way
we could fit even a tenth of this lot
into the farm shop.
So I had to abandon my plans for the day
and man a hastily erected mushroom stall.
Can I interest you
in the new Diddly Squat range?
Grey oyster mushrooms. These are not
like you get at the supermarket.
Or lion's mane mushrooms.
- [customer] May I have some of both?
- Yes, of course.
[Jeremy] That's 427 grams.
- That would be £12,81.
- [customer] Okay.
Ooh!
[customer] Just out of curiosity
Are you selling Space Penises?
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Up in Piggy Wood,
it had now been 11 weeks
since Ajax the boar had done
boar things with the sows.
[Jeremy] These are the four in question,
- hopefully pregnant.
- Yeah, yeah.
[Jeremy] So a local pig expert
had come round to scan them.
And the news was good.
They're all pregnant.
- They're all pregnant?
- All up the duff?
So we don't have to sell them.
If they hadn't have been up the duff,
they're just eating food for no reason
and they'd have to be bacon.
- Gerald!
- [Gerald] Hello, Jeremy.
Hello, Gerald! Hello, hello! Ooh, sorry.
[Gerald laughs]
- [Gerald] You all right?
- Yeah.
Lovely piggies.
- Aren't they great?
- Yeah.
You ever kept pigs?
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
- No, this is the mothers.
- Yeah.
I've heard stories about sows and boars.
They can be nasty, can't they?
[Jeremy] What can?
Sows and When they got below
the right stuff with the combine
then you
When they got things coming out the side.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly] [laughs]
- [Lisa] Gerald?
- Yes, my love.
When you planted all these trees,
was it 60 years ago or so?
- You planted these trees?
- Yeah.
- 60 years ago.
- No way!
[Gerald] Yeah.
This was all
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
All the way up there.
They grazed right to the
These were all And all that.
So these trees are younger than you?
Yeah.
- [laughing]
- This is Gerald's wood.
You used to get the old shovel like that.
- Wow, Gerald.
- And then,
drop the thing and then heel 'em in.
I went round with the
[speaks indistinctly]
Bend it with a pole
with all the fluid in there.
As the years went on, like,
there was all those Wellingtonias,
all that.
They were original wood, they were.
- [Gerald speaking indistinctly]
- All right.
At least once a fortnight,
got the
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
Stinging nettles.
Similar to that, it was.
[chuckles]
That's when bosses were bosses
and you didn't say no to 'em.
- Yeah.
- [laughing]
I'm really chuffed.
I did not know that you'd done this.
That's brilliant.
So it shall become known
We shall rename it Gerald's Wood.
[Gerald chuckles]
[Gerald] We used to fill it up right
in a little [voice fades out]
[Jeremy] We were now well into June,
and life on the farm
was a smorgasbord of busyness.
[upbeat music]
Up in a field called Downs Ground,
I took part
in my first ever grass harvest.
This involved wrapping bales of grass
in plastic sheeting,
which we'd feed to the cows
in the winter.
[Jeremy over radio]
So we're collecting silage, yes?
[Kaleb] Silage,
is grass that has been put
in a bag which is wet
and it's gonna ferment with all the
sugars that naturally come off the grass,
which is good for the cows
with high sugar content.
[Jeremy] Kaleb was still annoyed
that when my pigs had been in this field,
they'd made a bit of a mess of it.
[Jeremy over radio]
Why have we got "Jeremy Keep Out"?
[Kaleb over radio]
'Cause you keep fucking up this field.
[Jeremy] But nevertheless, it looked
like we were getting a good crop.
I quite like being a grass farmer.
It's quite sort of mathematical
and pleasing.
You think: "I've done that right."
It's like you know when you mow your lawn
and you don't have to go over
a bit you've already done?
I wonder if he mows his lawns.
All done.
[Jeremy] As soon
as the grass harvest was finished
[inspector] So we need to have a look
at the fertiliser spreader.
[Jeremy] It was time
for the annual Red Tractor inspection,
where we have to prove
the farm is clean and well run.
[inspector] Yeah.
That's fine. That's fine.
[Jeremy] And given that Kaleb
was now farm manager
[Kaleb] One, six, six, eight, zero.
[inspector] Eight, zero.
[Jeremy] Things this time round
were very unstressful.
[inspector] The NSF record book.
That's great.
It's all here.
[inspector] You've got your First Aid box
up here, which is great.
Correct signage.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
- [inspector] Lovely.
- [Kaleb] Sand bucket there.
- [inspector] That's great.
- How are you doing?
- Morning.
[Kaleb] You and mushrooms!
Everywhere,
he just appears with mushrooms!
[Jeremy] I just live underground now.
[Jeremy] Yep,
no matter how busy Kaleb was
The mushrooms were keeping me busier.
[upbeat music]
[music stops]
So this is the Forth Road Bridge
I've created
because all day
I've been selling mushrooms, constantly,
and we still have this many,
and tomorrow morning,
there'll be this many again,
and the next day, and the next day.
[Jeremy] In fact, I had so many mushrooms
that besides selling them
in the shop and the burger van
I was now hawking them round local pubs,
and even rival farm shops.
[Jeremy] I had some last night.
- I cannot tell you how good they are.
- [shop clerk] Yeah.
I mean, I cooked some last night.
They're amazing.
Jesus. I had these last night.
They're fantastic.
[Jeremy] Even though
my incredibly varied sales patter
was shifting some decent quantities
[shop clerk] Five. We'll have 5 kilos.
[Jeremy] 1.2.
[shop clerk] 6.1 kilos.
[Jeremy] I was still
barely scratching the surface.
[Jeremy] For fuck's sake
[soft music]
[Jeremy] However, there was still time
amongst all the madness
to pause for the occasional treat.
[Jeremy] I've got a big surprise for you.
[Lisa sighs] Is it a proposal?
[Jeremy chuckles]
Every time you say you've got a surprise,
I'm like: he's gonna propose!
- [Jeremy chuckles]
- Every time!
[Jeremy] Remember the tree fell down?
- The big beautiful one?
- [Jeremy] We put it back up again.
Come and have a look.
[Jeremy] Look at that.
That's the tree we put back up.
[Lisa gasps] Wow.
- [Jeremy] I'm so happy.
- [Lisa] Yeah!
'Cause it had been down for 6 months.
And it's alive!
[Lisa] But do you know what's weird?
Is that the little branches are growing
from absolutely everywhere.
[Jeremy] I know. It's incredible.
That is what's called
"bursting" back into life, isn't it?
[Lisa] It sure is. Yeah.
Well done. That's really nice.
- I'm really happy with that.
- Yeah.
I'll think about the proposal, okay?
I'm not ready yet.
[Jeremy] However,
Mother Nature's ability to mend itself
isn't always a source of joy.
Sometimes, it can be downright annoying.
A point brought into sharp focus
[Kaleb] Oh, Christ Almighty.
[Jeremy] when Kaleb and I
decided to resume work on the dam.
[Jeremy] I mean, is this
[Kaleb] We just can't get to it anymore.
We're gonna have to come
with a chainsaw and cut all this back.
[Jeremy] When were we last here?
- [Kaleb laughs]
- [Jeremy] It wasn't that long ago.
And now a jungle has happened.
[loud metallic clang]
[Jeremy] Happily, though, this meant
I had an excuse to fire up WALL-E
[motor whirring]
My most favourite machine in the world.
[motor roaring]
[Jeremy] Oh! I'm back.
The emotional support unit.
The machine of destruction.
Look at it.
Mincing.
Atomising.
[motor stopping]
- What is?
- What? Chainsaw trousers.
- Are those just the front?
- Yeah.
So if you're through like this
and you hit yourself,
they hit this and it tangles it up
and stalls the engine.
[Jeremy] It is "Brokeback".
[Kaleb] What's that?
[Jeremy] Yes! Good dogs. Good dogs.
Sit, sit.
Sit, sit.
Sit!
Sit, sit.
No, it's gone.
And that one's gone as well now.
[chainsaw whirring]
[Jeremy] Having cleared
a new path to the dam site,
we got into
a construction-worker state of mind
and moved onto the next job.
[Kaleb] Lunch!
That looks better now, doesn't it?
[Jeremy] I've had a thought.
Why are we using that tube
when we could use these sleepers instead?
[Kaleb] I see. Just put
the sleepers across and then put the
[Jeremy] If we put the sleepers
across there Do you see what I mean?
- [Kaleb] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [Jeremy] We dig out a hole.
Put some posts in, like this is
Exactly like behind of this.
Exactly.
Put some posts in. You slot one in,
then another, then another.
Then all you have to do,
with the clay, is back up the sleepers.
And then
The water simply comes
over the top of the sleepers.
Why didn't we do that before?
I've just got it in my head.
We don't need a pipe, do we?
We'll take the pipe out the way then,
use it somewhere else.
- Take it back to the farm.
- We'll drive that back to the farm.
[upbeat music]
[Kaleb] Unhook it.
- You know what I've just worked out?
- [Kaleb] What's that?
[Jeremy] We are now exactly
back to where we began in January.
Pipe at the top of the field.
Nothing done down there.
[Kaleb] We're never gonna finish
this fucking dam.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] However,
now we had the sleeper plan in place,
I was much more optimistic that we would.
[Kaleb] Pull it through.
Is that proud enough?
[Jeremy] For the first time ever,
I want to leave
further ahead
than we were when we got here.
[Jeremy] Having prepped the site
and rammed some supporting posts
into the mud,
it was time to place the sleepers.
- Ready?
- Go.
Right. Digger man.
[Kaleb] Butt-crack alert!
Butt-crack alert!
- Warning, warning.
- [Jeremy laughs]
- [Kaleb] Down.
- [Jeremy] More revs.
[Jeremy] Using the digger scoop,
I then pushed
the foundation sleeper firmly into place.
However
[Kaleb] It floats!
[Jeremy] We hadn't thought of that,
had we?
[Kaleb] I'll stand on it forever.
Did you not bring any nails then at all?
It's not You'll never
If you put a nail in
over the top of the sleeper,
you're creating a bigger crack,
the water will get through.
[Kaleb] I just wanna put a nail there
so I can get off it and then pack it.
But when the next goes on top,
there'll be a gap between them.
We need some clamps.
- Something like clamps?
- Or we can just get a big screw.
- To go through a sodden railway sleeper?
- Yes.
We've gotta go to StowAg.
I'm not suggesting
we put another sleeper on
until that one
is securely fastened in place.
Look.
Why isn't that in a book somewhere
that wood floats?
- [Jeremy] Could you rest that on top?
- Can you stand on it then?
[Kaleb groans]
- [Kaleb] You got it?
- [Jeremy] There you go.
[Kaleb] There we go.
[Jeremy] Right.
Another afternoon's work.
And what we've done is
Nothing of any great worth.
I'm not going to be defeated
by this dam though.
I'm just not.
[Jeremy] It would, however, be a while
before I could get back to the dam
because, predictably,
there were more mushrooms to shift.
[Jeremy sighs] Shit!
However, Lisa had had a brainwave.
She reckoned that if we dried
the lion's mane mushrooms
in the Diddly Squat dehydration unit
and sold them as a powder,
she'd make more money than I was
selling them as actual mushrooms.
- You can sell a hundred grams for £3.
- Yeah.
- And they last five days?
- [Jeremy] Mm-hmm.
I can sell a hundred grams
for £30, and it lasts for a year.
So lion's mane I went
into Chippy, to the health-food shop,
I asked them
how much they sell their lion's mane for.
And they say they get it in once a week
and it's sold out on the day it arrives.
Well, it says here:
"Lion's mane mushroom powder,
- 30 servings, for £40!"
- [Lisa] Yes.
- £40!
- [Lisa] Yes.
I put it in my coffee, and it's like
having spearmint through your head.
Your whole mind just opens up.
You're really clear-thinking.
The mornings I don't take it,
I notice the difference. It's amazing.
Hold on. It says here that it's good
- for your focus, memory and digestion.
- Yeah.
Right.
This is the nutrition values on it, yeah?
Yeah.
- Total fat: nought.
- [Lisa] Excellent.
- Sodium: nought.
- Excellent.
Total carbohydrate: nought.
Total sugars: nought.
Added sugars: nought.
Protein: nought. There's nothing in it.
Excellent.
How can it help your memory, focus
and digestion when it contains nothing?
[Lisa] The magic of mushrooms.
Yes, I know. But if you add butter,
there's a point to it.
How can people Why?
Are you complaining
or are you growing mushrooms?
[Jeremy] I'm going to struggle to say:
"Would you like to buy
this mushroom powder?"
"What's in it?" "Nothing."
- Whatever.
- [Jeremy] Honestly, Lisa.
Do your friends eat this shit?
Anyone who's everyone takes lion's mane.
I don't understand this at all.
[Charlie] Hello.
Hello, cheerful!
Welcome to a world
where Lisa is planning on selling
50 grams for £40.
Wow.
- What are you doing?
- [Lisa] This is my little dehydrator.
- [Charlie] Yeah?
- So this here was a full tray
and it goes down next to nothing.
Then I'll just blend it up,
stick it in little bags,
put a "best within 12 months"
You're gonna sell powder in baggies
from a Range Rover?
So you Okay.
How do you know it lasts a year?
Because once it's dried and powdered,
it has twelve months.
'Cause the stuff I buy is dried
and powdered and that's 12 months.
So how do you think that they know?
They've tested it.
- They've done their testing, yeah.
- They've done their testing.
[Lisa] And ours is even better
because it comes from down the road.
No, no. They've done their testing.
- Uh-huh.
- So they've validated
- [Lisa] Yeah. Yeah.
- And verified the fact that
Because dehydrating,
you're taking all the moisture out.
[Lisa] Yes.
- You remove the water content
- Yes.
- So it doesn't grow
- It doesn't grow mould
- Bacteria.
- Exactly.
So you've done your Hazard Analysis
and Critical Control Point checks?
HACCP. It's basic food standards.
But no. No, no. This is from
This is from farm to farm,
so you don't have to do that.
- Because No, no, no.
- [Charlie laughs]
That's if you're selling
to the wider market.
- [Charlie laughs]
- Charlie, I am allowed
to grow tomatoes here
and sell them in the shop.
And you're allowed to do that
within a farm shop thingy.
- No.
- Once it's dried, it's dehydrated.
- There's nothing in it but powder.
- [Charlie] But how do you know it's dry?
Because it'll go into a powder.
But after 3 weeks,
it might be full of mould.
You've sold it to somebody
and then it's mouldy.
So it didn't last a year,
it will have lasted 3 weeks
Listen. Okay.
So what's your solution, Charlie?
Well, you'll have to test it. And then
Whoa, whoa. No, test it.
There'll be a laboratory.
We'll find out who tests it.
Or we could just sell them as mushrooms.
No, that's a waste, though.
Lion's mane in your tea in the morning
- But nobody wants that.
- [Charlie] While we're doing
How many men do that? None.
Not men that you know because
you were born two millenniums ago.
This millennium people,
they know all about it.
[Charlie] Okay, as a solution
Why do you need to put a year on it?
- You just put six weeks, two months.
- [Lisa] Okay.
- And that
- [Lisa] And that covers my arse?
- [Charlie] Yeah.
- Okay.
But you'll have to test it for that long.
[Lisa] Okay.
Right. Okay. Onwards.
I shall go and flog 'em.
I might as well just keep
on drying here, yeah?
Okay. You need record what you're doing.
[Lisa] Okay.
[Charlie] "I have dried this
for two hours."
I do a video, yeah.
- Good.
- [Lisa] I'm going to take videos.
Okay. So, first of all, video.
First of all, I washed the mushrooms
No, I didn't.
First of all, I cut them off
at the base, then I washed them in
There in a fridge, in a
First of all, I cut the bottom off
and then I washed them.
And the whole kitchen has been,
erm, certified.
[voice fades out]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] As we came to the end of June,
everything on the farm
was looking wonderful.
But, there was a big but,
because Charlie was not a happy man.
Put simply,
the weather had not been playing ball.
March had been the wettest for 40 years.
May had been freezing.
And June had been the hottest on record.
- [Charlie] This looks a mess.
- [Kaleb] But why?
[Jeremy] And already Charlie could see
the effects of all this turbulence
by examining
what remained of Kaleb's oilseed rape.
You know, it hasn't
pollinated brilliantly. It hasn't, erm
We've got quite a few misses.
That's probably when it was cold
and miserable in April.
[Kaleb] Yeah.
- [Charlie] It hasn't thrived, has it?
- [Kaleb] No.
- So we're half a tonne an acre down.
- Yeah.
Across 25 acres. 12 tonnes.
Yeah.
£5,000.
That's a hit, isn't it?
It'll be a challenge in this crop
- to make a profit.
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] And once
his happiness hoover was switched on,
he was sucking it up from everywhere.
But they're not animals
but they're definitely not plant
- Oh, here we go.
- [Charlie] Hello.
[Jeremy] This is bound
to be good news, everybody.
Why've you brought me barley?
- So, I've just been for a crop walk.
- Yes.
[Charlie] The spring barley,
you know it went in a bit later.
Yeah.
It's now putting up
all these little shoots here, look.
[Jeremy] Don't tell me
that's bad to have all
Well, it might stuff your malting barley.
You might not be able
to make beer out of it.
[Charlie] Because you've got
these very early mature ones
and then there's still enough oomph
in the soil
to throw out these little tillers.
And those late maturing ones
will be a problem at harvest.
'Cause we're gonna have
some immature fat grains
- in with the mature grains.
- What
You can't physically go
and take all these out.
- So, you know
- [Jeremy] What do we do?
[Charlie] There's nothing we can do.
We just have to hope
that it's warm and dry,
and they mature at harvest.
Otherwise, there's no Hawkstone
from here.
- Are you saying that this won't make
- Well
What weather do we need?
We just want not too hot,
so these don't mature too early.
Goldilocks temperature. Just right.
- Like today.
- Like today.
- Until
- For the next six, eight weeks.
Eight weeks.
[Charlie] If the weather plays ball,
we've got half a chance.
If it doesn't, I'm really worried.
[customer] Yeah, we know all about that.
Do you know about that?
We've got barley and we've got
And how is your spring barley doing?
[customer] Seems to be okay I think.
Are you listening to this?
Their spring barley's all right.
Where are you?
- Market Harborough. Leicestershire.
- Leicestershire, yeah.
So what would you say about our spring?
The lower shoots are your problem.
The lower shoots are the problem.
Exactly.
[customer]
Not what you want to be hearing.
[Lisa] No.
Shit
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Charlie's gloomy arable forecast
put something of a dampener
on proceedings
as the farm manager and I
met for a whiteboard catch-up.
And found that Kaleb's outgoings
had now gone through
the £100,000 barrier.
It's it's scary.
[Jeremy] We're having to spend 102,000
- and we can't control the outcome.
- Yeah.
Geopolitical events, weather.
- The price at the end of the day.
- [Jeremy] Yeah, exactly.
It's like going to a casino.
If it's a £2 minimum bet,
- you'll have a punt.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
A fun night out with your friends.
If it's a £50,000 minimum bet,
- you're not gonna bet.
- No!
How much would we spend five years ago?
Probably half that, didn't we?
'Cause the fertiliser price has doubled.
78,000
Can you imagine spending £78,000?
- On something you throw on the ground!
- Yeah!
You can't even measure its success.
I've got four tonnes left over, yeah?
Do you know why that is?
Because every time I come to the end
of the run, I've turned it off quicker.
Seed costs have gone up
by 35%, 40%.
Chemicals probably
You know, they've gone up.
I mean, for example, glyphosate
used to be £40 for a 20 litre can.
- Yeah.
- £162 now.
£162 for a 20 litre can of glyphosate.
- That's weed killer basically?
- Yes.
Christ. These figures are terrifying.
[Jeremy] The only positive is that while
my side of the board was also in the red,
some of my schemes did look
like they'd soon be making a profit.
Honey, that
- That will start coming back in again.
- A couple of weeks.
Er Mushrooms
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
- That could go green.
- Yeah.
- [Jeremy] Mustard, who knows?
- That should be good money.
- [Kaleb] It should go green.
Pigs are costing so much.
What's going on?
No, to be honest,
this is the total loss at the moment.
But by the time
all those that we're selling are sold
- Yeah.
- and sold through the shop
- [Kaleb] We should.
- That should go green.
Hang on.
Why is Wildfarm on my side of the board?
Well, it's your field.
Yeah, but I thought
it was your experiment?
[Jeremy] Yeah, on your field.
- How is it fair you make the decision
- Yeah.
- And it's on my side?
- I know.
- It should be on your side.
- No.
[Kaleb laughing]
[filming crew laughing]
I'm fucking crying!
What's going on?
Never
[Jeremy] With Kaleb's side of the board
looking so shaky,
it was vital
that my unfarmed project succeeded.
So we had to get a shift on,
making sure the shop and the burger van,
newly liberated
from their council shackles,
were ready and able
to deal with the summer-holiday tourists.
[cook] Check on, one burger, one bacon.
[customer] Thank you so much.
- [Jeremy] Go.
- [Kaleb] Measuring.
[Jeremy] This meant getting cracking
with the car park.
[Kaleb] What are we on now?
45. We'll go 68.
[Jeremy] I didn't think
this would be difficult.
[Jeremy] There.
[Jeremy] Or expensive.
[Jeremy] 53 metres.
[Jeremy] Or time consuming.
Right here.
[Jeremy] But I was wrong.
Very wrong.
[upbeat music]
£80,000?
Why don't we do it?
- [Jeremy] We'll do it in two days.
- No.
[Jeremy gags and coughs]
[upbeat music]
[theme music playing]
[birds chirping]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Now that we were heading
into high summer,
it was time
for one of the most enjoyable jobs
on the farming calendar:
putting the cows back in the fields
after their winter confinement
in the shed.
[Jeremy] Right, so we get four
in the trailer and off to Cow Ground.
[Kaleb] Yep.
[Kaleb groans]
[Jeremy groans]
Open that gate up.
I like working with you now.
- [Jeremy] What, you didn't used to?
- [Kaleb] No.
[Jeremy chuckles]
Go on then, cows. Good cows.
- Go on. Yes.
- [Kaleb] Get on.
- [Kaleb] Go on.
- [Jeremy] There we go.
[Kaleb] Go on.
[Kaleb groans]
[Jeremy] Right.
[Kaleb] Are you gonna go on your own
and I'll get the next four in?
[soft music]
[Jeremy] This is
one of my favourite days,
releasing the cows into the fields,
because they're so happy after What?
Five, six months
being locked up in the barn?
They suddenly have the freedom,
all that grass.
And it's like: "Oh, I remember."
[Jeremy] I arrived at the cow field,
remembering well
the last time we did this.
[mooing]
[Jeremy] Look at them! Excited cows!
Free!
[Lisa] Hey.
- So happy!
- [Jeremy laughs]
[Jeremy] "I'm free and out!"
[Jeremy] And he released the raptors.
Wait.
There. You're free. Now go.
[Jeremy] Is that it?
[cow mooing]
Come on! Where's all the running around?
You're supposed
to dance around and be happy.
You ungrateful bastards.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] After that letdown,
I went to inspect my Space Penises,
fully expecting some more disappointment.
Right.
I'm rather optimistically
going to bring
One crate? Two crates.
Two crates for my mushrooms.
I'll get into my Darth Vader outfit.
My rubber gloves on.
Yay! Holy Moly!
Look at those.
And those!
This is amazing.
Look at these beauties. Look at this.
This could work.
This could actually work.
So what you do to pick them,
it's a twisting,
strangling motion like
That's not quite right.
God!
I'm having mushrooms on toast tonight.
[Jeremy] Having boxed up the mushrooms,
I high-tailed it over to the farm shop
before it opened for business.
- [Jeremy] Lisa?
- [Lisa] Yeah.
- I've got good news.
- [Lisa] Yeah?
Wow! They're beautiful.
- They are, aren't they?
- What are they?
- Grey oyster mushrooms.
- Oh, my God.
I've made a thing for them.
- So we're selling them by the punnet.
- Yeah.
How much do you reckon for a punnet?
- [Jeremy] I say £3, £3,50.
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] We then went
to show them to Scott,
the chef in the shop's burger van.
- Wow.
- Aren't they beautiful?
- [Scott] These are all grown up at the
- [Lisa] Yes.
We're growing these. We're gonna have
a regular supply of mushrooms.
We can do mushrooms on toast
or something in the mornings.
- Yeah, mushrooms on toast.
- [Lisa] Yeah! Amazing.
[Jeremy] Everybody wants
mushrooms on toast.
We can make mushroom ketchup if you get
to the end and you've got loads left.
- [Lisa] Ooh!
- Nice!
- Yeah?
- Mushroom soup?
Yeah. Whatever you like.
- Vegan burger.
- Yeah!
- Finally we get Oh, it's not vegan.
- [Jeremy] Shit.
[chuckles]
[Lisa] What have you done?
What's wrong, love?
Oh no. What's wrong?
Are you all right?
[Lisa] Are you crying or laughing?
We've won the appeal.
- [Lisa gasps]
- [woman] Shut up!
- [Lisa] No way!
- Ah, nice!
[laughing]
Oh, my God!
We've won the appeal!
- Oh wow!
- [Lisa] What happened? Tell me!
- Stop the lights.
- I'm reading it.
[woman] Well done, guys.
- Oh, my God!
- [Jeremy] Oh, God.
I've been so worried.
- It's a hell of a long document but
- Bloody hell. That's juicy.
[Jeremy] Point 41:
"I shall for the purposes
of clarity and understanding,"
this is the planning inspector,
"correct the allegation
to a change of use to a mixed use
comprising agriculture, café,
restaurant, farm shop, parking
and lavatory facilities."
- He's given us the whole shebang?
- [woman] Blimey!
- The whole lot.
- [woman] Yes!
It seems we aren't That's gone.
We aren't allowed
to have a restaurant there.
- But we can have this here.
- [Scott] Amazing.
And we can make that a café in there.
[all laughing]
This is very
This is the biggest "fuck you"
to the council I've ever
[Lisa chuckles]
Oh, my God! I've been so worried.
That is amazing.
But it's also common sense.
- Well, of course it's common sense!
- I know.
The council didn't have any,
and there's an inspector
Do you think the council will appeal?
- I don't think the council will appeal.
- And spend everyone else's money?
This inspector's taken
How long? Four months?
I don't think he's going
to have made a mistake, is he?
Basically, we're safe.
And it seems to be for three years.
We're good to go for three years.
- We're back in business.
- [Lisa] The shop can do anything.
- [laughing]
- Fuck!
[soft joyful music]
[Jeremy] Lisa decided to celebrate
this victory over the council
by inviting all her thin,
blonde Oxfordshire friends over
for a spot of goat yoga.
[instructor] Squeeze and retract
the shoulder blades to open up the chest.
Into your Warrior 3 position.
Keep the hips square,
shoulders square, core on.
And then press
[Jeremy] I'm sure
this was all very modern
but I hadn't bought the goats
to be used as wellness props.
I'd bought them
to lay waste to my brambles,
something they could hopefully
start doing now they had a campsite.
However, we could only move them up there
if they were big enough.
[Jeremy] Right.
- Do you know what we're doing?
- We've gotta weigh them.
- And then, if it's underweight
- Yeah?
That's less than 17 kilograms,
we spray it red.
- Not the whole thing.
- 17 kilos?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
And then if it's ready to go outside,
it's green.
We're hoping they're all green because
Lizzie's coming to take the milk machine.
They're on solids now, aren't they?
- How do we get them into the harness?
- [Lisa] Here, look.
[Jeremy] You know how you get into it.
[Lisa] Right. Okay. Let's take a fatty.
- Don't! Stop eating my jeans.
- [Lisa] Quick.
- Uh-uh-uh. Stop it. No.
- [Jeremy laughs]
[Lisa] Ow!
[Lisa grunts] Stop it!
- [Jeremy laughs]
- Okay. That is 96.
You didn't Well, 96 what?
Pounds?
[Lisa] Kilograms.
It's not 96 kilograms.
That's heavier than me.
Right. Green.
No, don't let go until we've sprayed.
No, just spray. It's all right.
No, don't let go! Bring it back
or else we're gonna lose it.
[Lisa] Wait, I'm just Oh, my God.
We're gonna be here for days.
- [Jeremy] Stop it.
- [goat bleating]
- No, you've gotta get it in the middle.
- It's heavy enough, I can tell you.
This one's just coughed
and been sick all over me.
Get off. Get off!
This one is 16
with two back legs on the floor.
- [Jeremy] Well, that's not accurate.
- That is definitely over 17.
[Jeremy] In the middle
of this festival of incompetence
[Jeremy] Come on, man.
[Jeremy] Lizzie,
the goat expert, arrived.
[Lisa] Hi, Lizzie.
What are you doing?
[Jeremy] Weighing them.
[Lizzie chuckles] How's that going?
- Not very well.
- No! You surprise me.
- [Lisa] What did we say? 18 point?
- [Jeremy] But we haven't marked it.
- [Lisa] I have.
- Oh, you have?
- [Lisa] Yes.
- Is there an easier way of doing it?
Yeah. I can definitely think of one.
Like, use the scales.
That would be my recommendation.
[Jeremy] How do you make a goat
stand on a weigh scale?
Just, he'll stand there. It'll be fine.
[goat bleating]
[Jeremy] So in fact,
that's plugged into the mains, yeah?
[Lizzie] Yeah. We're all good.
If you stand by the screen
when I put him on.
It should give you a weight.
- Oh, yeah. 19.46.
- There you go.
So how Ow! That really hurt.
You're getting weighed next
for being a horrible goat.
Christ Al-bloody-mighty.
This is a porker.
Wow. 28.66.
- Oh!
- [bleating]
- Next time, if you put your hand not
- Yes, I've got that wrong.
23.92.
So you have grown good,
solid, healthy goats!
- So we're happy?
- We're very happy.
[Lizzie] You've done a very good job.
All of these boys
are certainly over seventeen.
- And very ready to go out.
- Ready to go out.
[Jeremy] Right.
[Jeremy] Before moving the goats
to their campsite,
there was something
I needed to clear up with Lizzie.
What's this I heard about
Well, I was reading in my book,
that if they escape then they're
- That would Yeah, like
- [Jeremy] Get off.
- If you get the
- [Jeremy] Stop it.
If you get the fencing wrong,
it's carnage,
because you'll never keep them in,
like, ever.
Once they learn They're so clever.
If they start escaping, that's it.
[Jeremy screams] Fuck me!
- I think it's trying to.
- [Jeremy] Jesus Christ!
[Lizzie laughs]
Right.
Sorry, what were you saying
about the fencing being catastrophic?
It could be catastrophic
if you don't get it right.
So Ow!
- Do you want a lunch box?
- [Lizzie] Yeah!
- [Jeremy] I need a cricket They know.
- You need a cricket box. They do know.
It's because I cut their balls off.
That really hurts.
- Don't do that again.
- [bleating]
Do not. Don't do that again.
Get off!
- They used to be so sweet.
- [Lisa] They were so small and cute.
[Jeremy] And now they're just
eating things.
- But if one does keep getting out
- [Lizzie] Yeah.
Best will in the world,
what damage is it going to do?
Apart from kicking people in the nuts.
So we had one really bad group
years and years ago
and they went for all our sapling trees.
They went through two fields
to get to the sapling trees.
[Lisa] They could go onto the road
and cause an accident.
Or your chillies.
- I don't know how many they'd eat
- They wouldn't.
They would certainly go through
your polytunnel.
Horns in a polytunnel
wouldn't be a good mix.
So, really, we've gotta be very careful.
[Lizzie] You really, really do, yeah.
- [Lisa] Can you imagine
- Look at Joe. He's in real trouble.
- [chuckles]
- [Joe screams]
- [Lisa] Here's our decoy here.
- Help!
[laughing]
- [Lisa] It likes you a lot.
- [Lizzie] Literally nothing's sacred.
Ow!
[Jeremy] We then showed Lizzie
the field where the goats would live.
[Jeremy] If I leave this alone for much
longer, it will all just be bramble.
[Lizzie] Yeah. They'll take the worst
of the brambles out.
[Jeremy] And at every opportunity,
she came back to the topic
of their escaping skills.
[Jeremy] And do they need things
to climb on?
We don't give them stuff outside because
they roll them into the electric fence
- and then use that as an escape.
- No!
- [Jeremy] No!
- Yes.
- [Jeremy] What? Like Stalag Luft III?
- Yeah, honestly. Like that.
Well, so rewind.
If we put their sort of wooden toys
they've got in their barn now
and put them in here,
they'll use them as a launching pad?
Yeah. We found that
with the big sort of oil barrels?
They roll them up into the fence
to short it out or use them to hop over.
- [Lisa] That's so cool.
- [Jeremy] No!
[Lizzie] They'll definitely be up
on that pig hut
and over that fence, like, within hours
if they had access to it.
- [Jeremy] Jesus.
- [Lisa] Clever, right?
They're very intelligent.
Do not underestimate them.
[classical music]
[Jeremy] While we were wondering
if a goat
could jump a fence on a motorcycle,
Kaleb and Charlie
were having a much grander day
in London.
They'd been invited to Downing Street
to talk to the Prime Minister
about his
"Back British Farm to Fork" initiative.
And given the importance of the meeting,
they met in a café
for a pre-match chat.
- [Charlie] So today?
- [Kaleb] Yeah?
- Quite a lot of people going.
- Quite big?
Jeremy told me to say
He said: "Kaleb, erm,
if you want any talking points,
just tell Ricky that he's probably not
going to be Prime Minister anymore."
Rishi.
Rishi.
The president.
The prime minister, sorry.
[Charlie] Yes,
that'll be a great place to start.
I would definitely go:
"Oi. Hello, Mr President.
- How are you, Ricky?"
- "Come and see me on the weekend".
"You won't be Prime Minister for long."
So what are you gonna talk about?
- What's your focus?
- [Kaleb] I'll do it on young farmers.
- Good.
- Young people getting into farming.
You can't go
and farm your own farm nowadays.
A, they're so expensive.
And B, everything's in a scheme.
- I got a quote for a tractor yesterday.
- Yeah.
After discount, it's £205,000.
I know. It's insane.
- Oh, Christ. We'd better go.
- Hm?
We're gonna be late.
[police sirens]
[Charlie] Trafalgar Square.
- [Kaleb] I drove through here!
- [Charlie] Yeah.
[Kaleb] I didn't put my indicator on
in this junction here.
- Really?
- Yeah.
[Charlie] There's Nelson, look.
- [Kaleb] Who's Nelson?
- He was an admiral.
- [Kaleb] He's up quite high up.
- He won a battle.
- Do you know what he's looking at?
- What?
- [Charlie] You see where those flags are?
- Yeah.
[Charlie] That's Admiralty Arch.
- OK?
- [Kaleb] Right.
[Charlie] He's looking
on the top of the arch.
There are loads of ships.
- And he's looking at that.
- He led the Battle of Trafalgar.
[Kaleb] All that concrete to build a man
that's looking over some
"I Heart London." Fuck that.
Press the button.
[Charlie] You press the button.
- [Kaleb] Where are we going?
- [Charlie] We're going down Whitehall.
- [Kaleb] What is that?
- [Charlie chuckles]
- [Charlie] It's a
- [Kaleb] Now what?
[Charlie] It's a very Just keep going.
So here we are. This is Whitehall,
this is where it all happens.
[Kaleb] What happens?
The management of the country!
There you go. Cabinet offices.
- [Kaleb] What's that?
- You know what the Cabinet is?
- [Kaleb] No.
- They're the more senior ministers.
[Kaleb] And they all work in there,
do they?
[Charlie] I don't know what time it is.
What time is it?
9:11.
[Charlie] Oh, we're a bit early.
We'll hang around.
[Big Ben chiming in the distance]
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Are you now just gonna try and get
- people to say "good morning"?
- Yeah.
Morning.
- They'll think you're a fruitcake.
- I'm just saying "morning"!
They They don't wanna talk.
[Jeremy] Soon it was time for them
to head for that famous black door.
[Kaleb] Ready? We gotta knock?
[Charlie] Yeah.
- Christ, all right.
- [crew] You might need to do it again.
What, knock?
- [doorman] If you want to step in.
- [Charlie] Okay.
- [doorman] Hi, guys. You all right?
- [Kaleb] How're you doing?
[doorman] Just a hint.
If you knock that loud again,
I'll throw you out.
[Kaleb] Say that again?
- [doorman] Don't knock so loud.
- [Charlie] Sorry, we're farmers.
- [doorman] I don't care.
- [Charlie] Okay.
- [doorman] I'm not.
- [Charlie] Okay.
[Kaleb] That told us.
[Jeremy] While Kaleb and Charlie
were being told off
by the Downing Street door police
[Jeremy] Come on, goats.
Let's get you in.
[Jeremy] Lisa and I
were finally moving the goats
into their new home.
So the idea is
This is their training garden.
- [Lisa] Yep.
- [Jeremy] And they live in here
until they've really eaten
all the dock leaves and what have you.
- Okay.
- Then you move them down.
And the idea is that their mouths get,
you know, used to
- [Lisa] Hardened.
- Yes, exactly.
- Oh!
- And they get hard mouths.
But then,
you see the bramble bushes, which is
what I want them to start eating.
- [Lisa] Yes.
- So when they start hitting brambles,
that's going to be interesting for me.
That's what I want them to eat.
[Jeremy] Before all that, though,
we had to go through
the unpleasant but necessary business
of getting them used
to the electric fencing.
- [Jeremy] Out you come.
- [Lisa] They are coming out!
- So the white fence is gentle power.
- [Lisa] Yes.
[Jeremy] And the orange fence
is the national grid.
Oh, look: "I'm plotting
I've got an escape route here."
"Hey, guys. Follow me."
"I reckon we could be over in a jiffy."
- [buzz]
- [goat bleating]
[Jeremy] Whoa! Was that a zap?
[Lisa] Oh no.
They're eating the gate posts.
[Jeremy laughs]
[Jeremy imitates bleating]
"Okay, I'm not eating
the gate posts anymore!"
[buzz]
[Lisa and Jeremy gasp]
- [buzz]
- [bleating]
Sorry.
- [buzz]
- [bleating]
[Jeremy] Bah!
- [buzz]
- [bleating]
[chuckles]
- [buzz]
- [bleating]
[laughter]
It's not funny.
- No, it's really mild. And look
- It's not funny.
- [bleating]
- [Lisa] I shouldn't laugh.
[Lisa laughs]
I'm not amused.
I don't like to see animals in pain.
But they do have to learn.
[Jeremy] And quite quickly,
they got the message.
[Jeremy] Well, look at them all now,
in the middle.
- [Lisa] Yeah.
- Their escape plans are in tatters
because of my security.
Eat.
Get your mouths hardened
and then you can go and eat brambles.
[softly bleating]
[Jeremy] Back at Number 10,
Charlie was taking part
in a highbrow think-tank discussion.
But you went through
the list of grants there?
[man] Hmm.
- And you haven't listed them all?
- [man] No.
- And all the schemes?
- [man] No.
You do need a PhD now
in grant applications if you're a farmer.
[Jeremy] Meanwhile, out in the garden,
President Ricky
was in full schmooze mode.
How are you? Rishi, very nice to see you.
So what are you guys
Is this all from the farm?
Yeah, from the farms.
We've got a Fenland Flag sausage.
And then we've got our traditional
butcher's sausage, our Great Bramblebee.
- Yeah? That's
- And then some bacon going as well.
Oh, my God! It's been smelling.
We were having Cabinet up there.
Literally, that's the Cabinet room there.
And everyone was just distracted
and smelling your stuff coming through.
It's great!
- [Kaleb chuckles]
- Look at this.
[Jeremy] Then,
in the actual Cabinet office
How are you?
[Jeremy] Kaleb got to meet
the Prime Minister.
Thanks for coming. Kaleb! How are you?
[Jeremy] This was his big moment
to talk about
attracting youngsters into farming.
- Are you okay?
- I'm very well, thanks.
- You've got lovely hair.
- Er, me?
[laughing]
- Had you heard otherwise?
- No, no, no.
- It was just a general comment.
- I just like hair.
[Jeremy] When the conversation
moved outside,
Kaleb finally did talk
about young farmers.
[Kaleb] The thing is in my head
[Jeremy] But he made a bit of a meal
about getting to the point.
You know, farming's not a job.
It's a way of life.
That is it. There's no other
option there. It's a way of life.
You don't get up and go:
"I've gotta go to work today."
I never ever wake up and go:
"I've really gotta work,
I've got an 8 to 5 job.
I can't wait to finish."
Halfway through the day, you go:
"Oh, I wanna go home."
I never do that. I wake up and go:
"Right, what am I doing today?"
Yesterday The day before, sorry.
I was out there milking cows
Then I went out there
and started mowing for silage.
And then I was spraying.
No day is the same.
- Everyone should have a dream.
- That's true.
A dream is somewhere to go
and to get to.
As soon as you accomplish that dream,
if you do it in 2, 3 or 5 years,
you've done it, set another dream.
And the thing I say all the time is
dreams don't work unless you do
[Kaleb's voice fades out]
[Jeremy] While Kaleb was bringing
the country to a grinding halt,
Lisa and I had gone up
to the mushroom bunker
to see if any more had fruited.
[Jeremy] Oh shit.
- Oh, my God.
- [Lisa] Have they not grown?
- [Jeremy] Oh, my God.
- [Lisa] What's wrong?
[Lisa groans]
What the?
[Jeremy] Look!
How many have we got? Thousands!
[Lisa] Oh, my God. So those are those.
[Jeremy] It's incredible.
[Lisa] Oh, my God.
- [Lisa] Wow.
- [Jeremy] Jesus.
[Lisa] These are ready.
[Jeremy] They're very ready.
Right.
- 24 hours ago, that didn't exist.
- [Lisa] I know.
[Jeremy] Where does the matter come from
that's made it?
In 24 hours?
[Lisa] Look at it.
[Jeremy] You need
to get selling mushrooms.
[Jeremy] What's more,
the extraordinary lion's mane mushrooms
had started to appear.
- [Lisa] Oh wow!
- It's like a sponge
that's mated with a cauliflower.
And that's a mushroom.
The man said that he reckons
that they're space penises.
That does look like it's from space.
That really does.
[soft country music]
[Jeremy] There was no way
we could fit even a tenth of this lot
into the farm shop.
So I had to abandon my plans for the day
and man a hastily erected mushroom stall.
Can I interest you
in the new Diddly Squat range?
Grey oyster mushrooms. These are not
like you get at the supermarket.
Or lion's mane mushrooms.
- [customer] May I have some of both?
- Yes, of course.
[Jeremy] That's 427 grams.
- That would be £12,81.
- [customer] Okay.
Ooh!
[customer] Just out of curiosity
Are you selling Space Penises?
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Up in Piggy Wood,
it had now been 11 weeks
since Ajax the boar had done
boar things with the sows.
[Jeremy] These are the four in question,
- hopefully pregnant.
- Yeah, yeah.
[Jeremy] So a local pig expert
had come round to scan them.
And the news was good.
They're all pregnant.
- They're all pregnant?
- All up the duff?
So we don't have to sell them.
If they hadn't have been up the duff,
they're just eating food for no reason
and they'd have to be bacon.
- Gerald!
- [Gerald] Hello, Jeremy.
Hello, Gerald! Hello, hello! Ooh, sorry.
[Gerald laughs]
- [Gerald] You all right?
- Yeah.
Lovely piggies.
- Aren't they great?
- Yeah.
You ever kept pigs?
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
- No, this is the mothers.
- Yeah.
I've heard stories about sows and boars.
They can be nasty, can't they?
[Jeremy] What can?
Sows and When they got below
the right stuff with the combine
then you
When they got things coming out the side.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly] [laughs]
- [Lisa] Gerald?
- Yes, my love.
When you planted all these trees,
was it 60 years ago or so?
- You planted these trees?
- Yeah.
- 60 years ago.
- No way!
[Gerald] Yeah.
This was all
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
All the way up there.
They grazed right to the
These were all And all that.
So these trees are younger than you?
Yeah.
- [laughing]
- This is Gerald's wood.
You used to get the old shovel like that.
- Wow, Gerald.
- And then,
drop the thing and then heel 'em in.
I went round with the
[speaks indistinctly]
Bend it with a pole
with all the fluid in there.
As the years went on, like,
there was all those Wellingtonias,
all that.
They were original wood, they were.
- [Gerald speaking indistinctly]
- All right.
At least once a fortnight,
got the
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
Stinging nettles.
Similar to that, it was.
[chuckles]
That's when bosses were bosses
and you didn't say no to 'em.
- Yeah.
- [laughing]
I'm really chuffed.
I did not know that you'd done this.
That's brilliant.
So it shall become known
We shall rename it Gerald's Wood.
[Gerald chuckles]
[Gerald] We used to fill it up right
in a little [voice fades out]
[Jeremy] We were now well into June,
and life on the farm
was a smorgasbord of busyness.
[upbeat music]
Up in a field called Downs Ground,
I took part
in my first ever grass harvest.
This involved wrapping bales of grass
in plastic sheeting,
which we'd feed to the cows
in the winter.
[Jeremy over radio]
So we're collecting silage, yes?
[Kaleb] Silage,
is grass that has been put
in a bag which is wet
and it's gonna ferment with all the
sugars that naturally come off the grass,
which is good for the cows
with high sugar content.
[Jeremy] Kaleb was still annoyed
that when my pigs had been in this field,
they'd made a bit of a mess of it.
[Jeremy over radio]
Why have we got "Jeremy Keep Out"?
[Kaleb over radio]
'Cause you keep fucking up this field.
[Jeremy] But nevertheless, it looked
like we were getting a good crop.
I quite like being a grass farmer.
It's quite sort of mathematical
and pleasing.
You think: "I've done that right."
It's like you know when you mow your lawn
and you don't have to go over
a bit you've already done?
I wonder if he mows his lawns.
All done.
[Jeremy] As soon
as the grass harvest was finished
[inspector] So we need to have a look
at the fertiliser spreader.
[Jeremy] It was time
for the annual Red Tractor inspection,
where we have to prove
the farm is clean and well run.
[inspector] Yeah.
That's fine. That's fine.
[Jeremy] And given that Kaleb
was now farm manager
[Kaleb] One, six, six, eight, zero.
[inspector] Eight, zero.
[Jeremy] Things this time round
were very unstressful.
[inspector] The NSF record book.
That's great.
It's all here.
[inspector] You've got your First Aid box
up here, which is great.
Correct signage.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
- [inspector] Lovely.
- [Kaleb] Sand bucket there.
- [inspector] That's great.
- How are you doing?
- Morning.
[Kaleb] You and mushrooms!
Everywhere,
he just appears with mushrooms!
[Jeremy] I just live underground now.
[Jeremy] Yep,
no matter how busy Kaleb was
The mushrooms were keeping me busier.
[upbeat music]
[music stops]
So this is the Forth Road Bridge
I've created
because all day
I've been selling mushrooms, constantly,
and we still have this many,
and tomorrow morning,
there'll be this many again,
and the next day, and the next day.
[Jeremy] In fact, I had so many mushrooms
that besides selling them
in the shop and the burger van
I was now hawking them round local pubs,
and even rival farm shops.
[Jeremy] I had some last night.
- I cannot tell you how good they are.
- [shop clerk] Yeah.
I mean, I cooked some last night.
They're amazing.
Jesus. I had these last night.
They're fantastic.
[Jeremy] Even though
my incredibly varied sales patter
was shifting some decent quantities
[shop clerk] Five. We'll have 5 kilos.
[Jeremy] 1.2.
[shop clerk] 6.1 kilos.
[Jeremy] I was still
barely scratching the surface.
[Jeremy] For fuck's sake
[soft music]
[Jeremy] However, there was still time
amongst all the madness
to pause for the occasional treat.
[Jeremy] I've got a big surprise for you.
[Lisa sighs] Is it a proposal?
[Jeremy chuckles]
Every time you say you've got a surprise,
I'm like: he's gonna propose!
- [Jeremy chuckles]
- Every time!
[Jeremy] Remember the tree fell down?
- The big beautiful one?
- [Jeremy] We put it back up again.
Come and have a look.
[Jeremy] Look at that.
That's the tree we put back up.
[Lisa gasps] Wow.
- [Jeremy] I'm so happy.
- [Lisa] Yeah!
'Cause it had been down for 6 months.
And it's alive!
[Lisa] But do you know what's weird?
Is that the little branches are growing
from absolutely everywhere.
[Jeremy] I know. It's incredible.
That is what's called
"bursting" back into life, isn't it?
[Lisa] It sure is. Yeah.
Well done. That's really nice.
- I'm really happy with that.
- Yeah.
I'll think about the proposal, okay?
I'm not ready yet.
[Jeremy] However,
Mother Nature's ability to mend itself
isn't always a source of joy.
Sometimes, it can be downright annoying.
A point brought into sharp focus
[Kaleb] Oh, Christ Almighty.
[Jeremy] when Kaleb and I
decided to resume work on the dam.
[Jeremy] I mean, is this
[Kaleb] We just can't get to it anymore.
We're gonna have to come
with a chainsaw and cut all this back.
[Jeremy] When were we last here?
- [Kaleb laughs]
- [Jeremy] It wasn't that long ago.
And now a jungle has happened.
[loud metallic clang]
[Jeremy] Happily, though, this meant
I had an excuse to fire up WALL-E
[motor whirring]
My most favourite machine in the world.
[motor roaring]
[Jeremy] Oh! I'm back.
The emotional support unit.
The machine of destruction.
Look at it.
Mincing.
Atomising.
[motor stopping]
- What is?
- What? Chainsaw trousers.
- Are those just the front?
- Yeah.
So if you're through like this
and you hit yourself,
they hit this and it tangles it up
and stalls the engine.
[Jeremy] It is "Brokeback".
[Kaleb] What's that?
[Jeremy] Yes! Good dogs. Good dogs.
Sit, sit.
Sit, sit.
Sit!
Sit, sit.
No, it's gone.
And that one's gone as well now.
[chainsaw whirring]
[Jeremy] Having cleared
a new path to the dam site,
we got into
a construction-worker state of mind
and moved onto the next job.
[Kaleb] Lunch!
That looks better now, doesn't it?
[Jeremy] I've had a thought.
Why are we using that tube
when we could use these sleepers instead?
[Kaleb] I see. Just put
the sleepers across and then put the
[Jeremy] If we put the sleepers
across there Do you see what I mean?
- [Kaleb] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [Jeremy] We dig out a hole.
Put some posts in, like this is
Exactly like behind of this.
Exactly.
Put some posts in. You slot one in,
then another, then another.
Then all you have to do,
with the clay, is back up the sleepers.
And then
The water simply comes
over the top of the sleepers.
Why didn't we do that before?
I've just got it in my head.
We don't need a pipe, do we?
We'll take the pipe out the way then,
use it somewhere else.
- Take it back to the farm.
- We'll drive that back to the farm.
[upbeat music]
[Kaleb] Unhook it.
- You know what I've just worked out?
- [Kaleb] What's that?
[Jeremy] We are now exactly
back to where we began in January.
Pipe at the top of the field.
Nothing done down there.
[Kaleb] We're never gonna finish
this fucking dam.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] However,
now we had the sleeper plan in place,
I was much more optimistic that we would.
[Kaleb] Pull it through.
Is that proud enough?
[Jeremy] For the first time ever,
I want to leave
further ahead
than we were when we got here.
[Jeremy] Having prepped the site
and rammed some supporting posts
into the mud,
it was time to place the sleepers.
- Ready?
- Go.
Right. Digger man.
[Kaleb] Butt-crack alert!
Butt-crack alert!
- Warning, warning.
- [Jeremy laughs]
- [Kaleb] Down.
- [Jeremy] More revs.
[Jeremy] Using the digger scoop,
I then pushed
the foundation sleeper firmly into place.
However
[Kaleb] It floats!
[Jeremy] We hadn't thought of that,
had we?
[Kaleb] I'll stand on it forever.
Did you not bring any nails then at all?
It's not You'll never
If you put a nail in
over the top of the sleeper,
you're creating a bigger crack,
the water will get through.
[Kaleb] I just wanna put a nail there
so I can get off it and then pack it.
But when the next goes on top,
there'll be a gap between them.
We need some clamps.
- Something like clamps?
- Or we can just get a big screw.
- To go through a sodden railway sleeper?
- Yes.
We've gotta go to StowAg.
I'm not suggesting
we put another sleeper on
until that one
is securely fastened in place.
Look.
Why isn't that in a book somewhere
that wood floats?
- [Jeremy] Could you rest that on top?
- Can you stand on it then?
[Kaleb groans]
- [Kaleb] You got it?
- [Jeremy] There you go.
[Kaleb] There we go.
[Jeremy] Right.
Another afternoon's work.
And what we've done is
Nothing of any great worth.
I'm not going to be defeated
by this dam though.
I'm just not.
[Jeremy] It would, however, be a while
before I could get back to the dam
because, predictably,
there were more mushrooms to shift.
[Jeremy sighs] Shit!
However, Lisa had had a brainwave.
She reckoned that if we dried
the lion's mane mushrooms
in the Diddly Squat dehydration unit
and sold them as a powder,
she'd make more money than I was
selling them as actual mushrooms.
- You can sell a hundred grams for £3.
- Yeah.
- And they last five days?
- [Jeremy] Mm-hmm.
I can sell a hundred grams
for £30, and it lasts for a year.
So lion's mane I went
into Chippy, to the health-food shop,
I asked them
how much they sell their lion's mane for.
And they say they get it in once a week
and it's sold out on the day it arrives.
Well, it says here:
"Lion's mane mushroom powder,
- 30 servings, for £40!"
- [Lisa] Yes.
- £40!
- [Lisa] Yes.
I put it in my coffee, and it's like
having spearmint through your head.
Your whole mind just opens up.
You're really clear-thinking.
The mornings I don't take it,
I notice the difference. It's amazing.
Hold on. It says here that it's good
- for your focus, memory and digestion.
- Yeah.
Right.
This is the nutrition values on it, yeah?
Yeah.
- Total fat: nought.
- [Lisa] Excellent.
- Sodium: nought.
- Excellent.
Total carbohydrate: nought.
Total sugars: nought.
Added sugars: nought.
Protein: nought. There's nothing in it.
Excellent.
How can it help your memory, focus
and digestion when it contains nothing?
[Lisa] The magic of mushrooms.
Yes, I know. But if you add butter,
there's a point to it.
How can people Why?
Are you complaining
or are you growing mushrooms?
[Jeremy] I'm going to struggle to say:
"Would you like to buy
this mushroom powder?"
"What's in it?" "Nothing."
- Whatever.
- [Jeremy] Honestly, Lisa.
Do your friends eat this shit?
Anyone who's everyone takes lion's mane.
I don't understand this at all.
[Charlie] Hello.
Hello, cheerful!
Welcome to a world
where Lisa is planning on selling
50 grams for £40.
Wow.
- What are you doing?
- [Lisa] This is my little dehydrator.
- [Charlie] Yeah?
- So this here was a full tray
and it goes down next to nothing.
Then I'll just blend it up,
stick it in little bags,
put a "best within 12 months"
You're gonna sell powder in baggies
from a Range Rover?
So you Okay.
How do you know it lasts a year?
Because once it's dried and powdered,
it has twelve months.
'Cause the stuff I buy is dried
and powdered and that's 12 months.
So how do you think that they know?
They've tested it.
- They've done their testing, yeah.
- They've done their testing.
[Lisa] And ours is even better
because it comes from down the road.
No, no. They've done their testing.
- Uh-huh.
- So they've validated
- [Lisa] Yeah. Yeah.
- And verified the fact that
Because dehydrating,
you're taking all the moisture out.
[Lisa] Yes.
- You remove the water content
- Yes.
- So it doesn't grow
- It doesn't grow mould
- Bacteria.
- Exactly.
So you've done your Hazard Analysis
and Critical Control Point checks?
HACCP. It's basic food standards.
But no. No, no. This is from
This is from farm to farm,
so you don't have to do that.
- Because No, no, no.
- [Charlie laughs]
That's if you're selling
to the wider market.
- [Charlie laughs]
- Charlie, I am allowed
to grow tomatoes here
and sell them in the shop.
And you're allowed to do that
within a farm shop thingy.
- No.
- Once it's dried, it's dehydrated.
- There's nothing in it but powder.
- [Charlie] But how do you know it's dry?
Because it'll go into a powder.
But after 3 weeks,
it might be full of mould.
You've sold it to somebody
and then it's mouldy.
So it didn't last a year,
it will have lasted 3 weeks
Listen. Okay.
So what's your solution, Charlie?
Well, you'll have to test it. And then
Whoa, whoa. No, test it.
There'll be a laboratory.
We'll find out who tests it.
Or we could just sell them as mushrooms.
No, that's a waste, though.
Lion's mane in your tea in the morning
- But nobody wants that.
- [Charlie] While we're doing
How many men do that? None.
Not men that you know because
you were born two millenniums ago.
This millennium people,
they know all about it.
[Charlie] Okay, as a solution
Why do you need to put a year on it?
- You just put six weeks, two months.
- [Lisa] Okay.
- And that
- [Lisa] And that covers my arse?
- [Charlie] Yeah.
- Okay.
But you'll have to test it for that long.
[Lisa] Okay.
Right. Okay. Onwards.
I shall go and flog 'em.
I might as well just keep
on drying here, yeah?
Okay. You need record what you're doing.
[Lisa] Okay.
[Charlie] "I have dried this
for two hours."
I do a video, yeah.
- Good.
- [Lisa] I'm going to take videos.
Okay. So, first of all, video.
First of all, I washed the mushrooms
No, I didn't.
First of all, I cut them off
at the base, then I washed them in
There in a fridge, in a
First of all, I cut the bottom off
and then I washed them.
And the whole kitchen has been,
erm, certified.
[voice fades out]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] As we came to the end of June,
everything on the farm
was looking wonderful.
But, there was a big but,
because Charlie was not a happy man.
Put simply,
the weather had not been playing ball.
March had been the wettest for 40 years.
May had been freezing.
And June had been the hottest on record.
- [Charlie] This looks a mess.
- [Kaleb] But why?
[Jeremy] And already Charlie could see
the effects of all this turbulence
by examining
what remained of Kaleb's oilseed rape.
You know, it hasn't
pollinated brilliantly. It hasn't, erm
We've got quite a few misses.
That's probably when it was cold
and miserable in April.
[Kaleb] Yeah.
- [Charlie] It hasn't thrived, has it?
- [Kaleb] No.
- So we're half a tonne an acre down.
- Yeah.
Across 25 acres. 12 tonnes.
Yeah.
£5,000.
That's a hit, isn't it?
It'll be a challenge in this crop
- to make a profit.
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] And once
his happiness hoover was switched on,
he was sucking it up from everywhere.
But they're not animals
but they're definitely not plant
- Oh, here we go.
- [Charlie] Hello.
[Jeremy] This is bound
to be good news, everybody.
Why've you brought me barley?
- So, I've just been for a crop walk.
- Yes.
[Charlie] The spring barley,
you know it went in a bit later.
Yeah.
It's now putting up
all these little shoots here, look.
[Jeremy] Don't tell me
that's bad to have all
Well, it might stuff your malting barley.
You might not be able
to make beer out of it.
[Charlie] Because you've got
these very early mature ones
and then there's still enough oomph
in the soil
to throw out these little tillers.
And those late maturing ones
will be a problem at harvest.
'Cause we're gonna have
some immature fat grains
- in with the mature grains.
- What
You can't physically go
and take all these out.
- So, you know
- [Jeremy] What do we do?
[Charlie] There's nothing we can do.
We just have to hope
that it's warm and dry,
and they mature at harvest.
Otherwise, there's no Hawkstone
from here.
- Are you saying that this won't make
- Well
What weather do we need?
We just want not too hot,
so these don't mature too early.
Goldilocks temperature. Just right.
- Like today.
- Like today.
- Until
- For the next six, eight weeks.
Eight weeks.
[Charlie] If the weather plays ball,
we've got half a chance.
If it doesn't, I'm really worried.
[customer] Yeah, we know all about that.
Do you know about that?
We've got barley and we've got
And how is your spring barley doing?
[customer] Seems to be okay I think.
Are you listening to this?
Their spring barley's all right.
Where are you?
- Market Harborough. Leicestershire.
- Leicestershire, yeah.
So what would you say about our spring?
The lower shoots are your problem.
The lower shoots are the problem.
Exactly.
[customer]
Not what you want to be hearing.
[Lisa] No.
Shit
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Charlie's gloomy arable forecast
put something of a dampener
on proceedings
as the farm manager and I
met for a whiteboard catch-up.
And found that Kaleb's outgoings
had now gone through
the £100,000 barrier.
It's it's scary.
[Jeremy] We're having to spend 102,000
- and we can't control the outcome.
- Yeah.
Geopolitical events, weather.
- The price at the end of the day.
- [Jeremy] Yeah, exactly.
It's like going to a casino.
If it's a £2 minimum bet,
- you'll have a punt.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
A fun night out with your friends.
If it's a £50,000 minimum bet,
- you're not gonna bet.
- No!
How much would we spend five years ago?
Probably half that, didn't we?
'Cause the fertiliser price has doubled.
78,000
Can you imagine spending £78,000?
- On something you throw on the ground!
- Yeah!
You can't even measure its success.
I've got four tonnes left over, yeah?
Do you know why that is?
Because every time I come to the end
of the run, I've turned it off quicker.
Seed costs have gone up
by 35%, 40%.
Chemicals probably
You know, they've gone up.
I mean, for example, glyphosate
used to be £40 for a 20 litre can.
- Yeah.
- £162 now.
£162 for a 20 litre can of glyphosate.
- That's weed killer basically?
- Yes.
Christ. These figures are terrifying.
[Jeremy] The only positive is that while
my side of the board was also in the red,
some of my schemes did look
like they'd soon be making a profit.
Honey, that
- That will start coming back in again.
- A couple of weeks.
Er Mushrooms
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
- That could go green.
- Yeah.
- [Jeremy] Mustard, who knows?
- That should be good money.
- [Kaleb] It should go green.
Pigs are costing so much.
What's going on?
No, to be honest,
this is the total loss at the moment.
But by the time
all those that we're selling are sold
- Yeah.
- and sold through the shop
- [Kaleb] We should.
- That should go green.
Hang on.
Why is Wildfarm on my side of the board?
Well, it's your field.
Yeah, but I thought
it was your experiment?
[Jeremy] Yeah, on your field.
- How is it fair you make the decision
- Yeah.
- And it's on my side?
- I know.
- It should be on your side.
- No.
[Kaleb laughing]
[filming crew laughing]
I'm fucking crying!
What's going on?
Never
[Jeremy] With Kaleb's side of the board
looking so shaky,
it was vital
that my unfarmed project succeeded.
So we had to get a shift on,
making sure the shop and the burger van,
newly liberated
from their council shackles,
were ready and able
to deal with the summer-holiday tourists.
[cook] Check on, one burger, one bacon.
[customer] Thank you so much.
- [Jeremy] Go.
- [Kaleb] Measuring.
[Jeremy] This meant getting cracking
with the car park.
[Kaleb] What are we on now?
45. We'll go 68.
[Jeremy] I didn't think
this would be difficult.
[Jeremy] There.
[Jeremy] Or expensive.
[Jeremy] 53 metres.
[Jeremy] Or time consuming.
Right here.
[Jeremy] But I was wrong.
Very wrong.
[upbeat music]
£80,000?
Why don't we do it?
- [Jeremy] We'll do it in two days.
- No.
[Jeremy gags and coughs]
[upbeat music]