Gilligan's Island (1964) s03e06 Episode Script

1
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
Oh!
Professor: Well, he has no fever.
His temperature is normal.
Yeah, but his barometer's falling.
I think he's gonna rain.
Ginger, what's his pulse?
What's 204 divided by 3 minutes?
68. Well, his pulse is normal, too.
Darling, I brought you some hot soup.
No, no, no, no. Oh, dear.
Is it starve a cold and feed a fever,
or feed a fever and starve a cold?
Oh, well. It doesn't matter.
Why do you get such
complicated diseases?
Professor, I brought some
Oxygen from the boat.
Well, that won't be necessary, skipper.
Look, professor, you've got to help me.
Call a specialist, develop a new serum,
but you you've got
to save poor little me.
Oh! That smarts!
Actually, Mr. Howell, you're
suffering from an internal disorder
of the gastrointestinal tract,
which has manifested itself in
contractions of the upper transverse colon.
Lovey: Oh, how perfectly awful.
Well, to phrase it more simply,
Mr. Howell has a common bellyache.
A bellyache, perhaps,
but common? Never.
I suggest we all leave.
Mr. Howell needs rest now
more than anything else.
Run along, dear.
I want to tell you how much I appreciate
your attention and your concern.
Professor: You'll be on your
feet in no time, Mr. Howell.
Gilligan: Yeah, get better fast.
Skipper: As soon as possible.
Ginger: Yes, please, Mr. Howell.
Oh, their devotion and care, my dear
I wish there were some way
of showing my appreciation.
Well, why don't we ask
them to the club for dinner?
No. No, you've got to think big, lovey.
Well, let's ask them out
to our place at Monaco.
No, no, no. Bigger.
I've begun to think of those
people as part of my family.
Family! That's it! I know what I'll do.
Oh, darling, I knew
you'd solve the problem,
whatever it is.
I'll rewrite my will and
leave them all my millions.
The ho well fortune. They'll
be heirs and heiresses.
Ha ha ha! Ooh. Another attack.
Oh, no.
I, thurston ho well III,
being of sound mind and body
Not so fast, darling.
Yes, yes, of course.
I, thurston ho well III, being
of sound mind and body,
do hereby bequeath and devise
all my holdings in the
transcontinental railroad
to one gilligan.
Oh, I don't think you should
leave the railroad to gilligan.
Oh, no, but boys love trains, my dear.
No. This railroad
definitely goes to gilligan.
But he can't possibly afford it.
You said yourself that
it loses a million a year.
Yes, yes. You are so right.
You are absolutely right. I tell you what,
leave the diamond mine to gilligan.
Oh, I thought of ginger
for the diamond mine.
She has such a lovely throat.
Yes, you are so right.
Much more appropriate for ginger.
Now, I wonder, what
are we going to leave
the dear, dear, dear professor?
How about that little island in the pacific?
You mean Australia.
On second thought, we
ought to leave him the railroad.
He has such a
mechanical mind, you know.
Yes, but sometimes he
forgets to wind it up.
Alright. The railroad to the professor,
the diamond mine to ginger
There you are, ginger, a copy of my will
and to you, your own little diamond mine.
My own diamond mine?
I think I'm going to faint.
Well, don't fall on me.
I just got a railroad.
And you must learn to react calmly.
To a diamond mine?
Well, especially to the little things.
Yes. Now, if I may continue.
Oh, yes, and how,
Mr. Howell. Please continue.
You're getting a little excited, skipper.
Now, oh, here we are. To
dear, sweet, little Mary Ann,
because you've been such a little gem,
your own plantation.
Oh, cotton or sugar, Mr. Howell?
Uh, both. Better throw in a fleet of cars.
It's a long ride between crops.
Oh, Mr. Howell, you're wonderful.
You're so generous and sweet.
And now, to gilligan,
your own personal oil well.
An oil well?
Of course you'll have to
have the monogram changed
on the tower at your own expense.
I'll change the monogram.
I'll change it. I'll change it.
What's a monogram?
Oh, gilligan, be quiet now,
will you? Because I'm next.
Yes, quite.
Oh, captain, Mr. Howell
would never forget you.
If it weren't for you wrecking the boat,
we wouldn't any of us be here.
Thurston: So true.
So, to our beloved captain,
40 acres in Colorado.
40 acres.
40 acres, is that all?
Well, he's referring to downtown Denver.
Thurston: It's a very
Cosmopolitan spot, I must say.
Well, that's it.
That is my new will.
[All talking]
My own oil well. You know
what I'm gonna do first?
I'm gonna fix that
squeaky hinge on my door.
No. I can afford to
buy a whole new hinge.
Gilligan, why don't you
buy a whole new door?
Hey, you're right, skipper.
I never thought of that.
Don't mention it now, gilligan.
Just shut up and go to sleep.
And I'll get my tennis racket restrung,
and a new hockey puck,
and a ball and a bat. Gilligan
Now just stop talking
and please go to sleep.
Ok, skipper.
[Whispering] And a new
skateboard, and a new beanie,
and 5 pounds of licorice.
5 pounds of licorice.
With all that money, why
don't you start thinking big?
You're right.
10 pounds of licorice.
A skateboard and licorice. Heh heh heh.
You know what I'm gonna buy?
No. What?
A new boat.
I'm gonna get one of those luxury yachts
with its own swimming pool.
Gilligan: Wow.
Why, I might even buy
a whole fleet of yachts.
I might even buy a
whole fleet of skateboards.
Anger.
Joy.
Sorrow.
Love.
Ginger, would you please be quiet?
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess I got carried away.
You know, when I get my money,
I'm going to back my own Broadway play,
and of course I'm gonna star in it.
Well, I'll buy a whole
row of front row tickets
if you just let me concentrate.
I'm just practicing my emotions.
Well, please do it quietly.
I'm only on the ls
of the list of the things I'm gonna buy.
I don't know whether to live in London
and spend the summers on the riviera,
or live on the riviera
and spend the summers in London.
Hatred.
Ecstasy.
Oh.
Hip boots, a harpoon,
a jar of pickles. I don't know.
A tree house!
Oh, I always wanted a tree house!
Yes, gilligan.
And maybe I'll buy an aircraft carrier.
But then I'd have to buy
the aircraft to go with it, wouldn't I?
Hmm. Well, why not?
Gilligan, shut up and go to sleep.
Goodnight, skipper.
Goodnight.
[Sighs]
Maybe I'll buy the whole seventh fleet!
Skipper!
Yes.
I've got to talk to you.
Well, what is it,
professor? What's wrong?
Well, I can't decide.
Should I build my new research
laboratory on the east coast,
or on the west coast?
Come on, professor.
You're as bad as gilligan.
How can you spend
money you haven't got?
And why don't you get some sleep?
Sleep? How can I possibly sleep?
Do you realize that I'm gonna
have my own nuclear reactor?
And I'm gonna have my own tree house.
Wait till you hear about
my new yacht harbor.
And a maple tree with
hot and cold running syrup.
You know, instead of the lab
[All talking]
Oh, what a beautiful day!
I feel like a boy again.
And you look 10 years younger.
Oh, thank you,
and you know what did it?
It's the spirit of giving.
That's true, darling, but you've
always had the spirit of giving.
I have?
Yes. I remember your distinctly telling me
that you gave your partner the business.
Yes, my dear. Well,
that was something else.
You know, I feel happy
since I've included
the castaways in my will.
Ah, darling.
Oh, there's the captain.
Excuse me. I want to talk to him.
Good-bye, my love. Good-bye, darling.
Aw, he's so sweet. I love him.
Oh, captain! Oh, captain!
Uh, gilligan, where's the captain?
Captain, what captain?
Well, there's only one
captain on the island, dear boy.
Oh, skipper. You mean the skipper.
Yes, yes. Where is he? I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know?
You were just talking to him.
Mr. Howell, do you feel
well enough to be out of bed?
Well, of course I'm alright, gilligan.
[Thunk]
Did you see that?
See what?
It almost hit me.
What is the meaning of that arrow?
Uh, I guess it means it's a one-way path.
Lovey, if I didn't know better,
I would swear that
someone is trying to kill me.
Oh, nonsense, dear.
No, it's not as preposterous as it seems.
Now, here are the facts.
1 gilligan lies about the skipper,
2 an arrow barely misses me,
and 3 gilligan is very
suspicious about the answer.
Now, what do 1, 2, and 3 add up to?
Uh, 6, I believe.
Lovey, don't be silly.
I'm talking about attempted murder.
Oh, darling. You really have
a very overactive imagination.
You said yourself that
everybody here loves you.
But that was before I
made out my new will.
I tell you, lovey. Things
are going on. Come on.
Well, where are we going?
Going to see what we
can find out from the girls.
Girls never can keep a secret.
Gee, ginger, that pit looks awfully deep.
Well, it has to be so he can't get out.
Thurston: Oh, ginger! Mary Ann!
Uh-oh, we'd better get out of here.
Hurry up. Come on.
Thurston: There they are, lovey.
Where are they?
Oh, there they go.
Ginger! Mary Ann!
Really, thurston. You must
learn to watch where you're going.
A second attempt on
my life within the hour,
and you sit there knitting!
Oh, I'm not knitting, darling.
I'm doing pet it point.
If I were knitting,
I'd go knit one, Pearl two,
knit one, Pearl two.
But in pet it point you go in and out,
in and out, in and out.
They are trying to kill me.
Thurston, how can I
concentrate if you carry on so?
Lovey, darling, will you
please put that down
and tell me what to do.
Alright. We'll start at the beginning.
Yeah, that's much better.
I suppose it is possible
that something is going on.
Well, it certainly is,
and to think those two girls
could be part of such a dastardly plot.
Don't tell me you suspect
those two innocent dears?
Well, who dug that pit?
Gophers?
To think people could be
corrupted by money,
and for a few paltry million dollars.
You can't honestly believe
that everybody on this island
is plotting against you.
Well, I don't know about everybody,
but look.
There's the skipper, there's gilligan,
there's ginger and Mary Ann.
That leaves only one
person that we can trust.
Thurston: Professor,
professor, is that you up there?
That's strange.
I know I saw the professor up th
[crash]
Lovey, they're all in this together.
Darling. My darling!
Boulder.
They'll never get me,
lovey, with this barricade.
We howells have survived
far, far greater dangers.
Those wolves will never get to ho well.
Oh, darling, how clever of you.
You just made the most marvelous pun.
What pun? What you just said.
Those wolves will never get to howl.
Lovey, that was beautiful, wasn't it?
Ah, this thing I do is far, far greater.
I have a rendezvous
with some secluded barricade.
Oh, barricade, lovey.
No, no, no! Not that.
This place is messy enough.
I'd be so embarrassed
if anybody dropped in.
You're so magnificent.
You remind me of grandmother ho well.
When the Indians invaded her cabin,
she made them wipe their feet first.
Last thing she ever did.
But, darling, those
aren't Indians out there.
Those are your friends.
Friends? Friends? Do
friends shoot arrows at you?
Do they throw you into a bottomless pit?
Do they try and crush
you with a Boulder?
But there must be some
explanation for all this.
There is. There is.
They're trying to kill me.
If they aren't, you're
going to feel mighty foolish.
Oh, boy, doesn't this look good?
Too sour.
Professor, where'd you get
these beautiful mushrooms?
Oh, they only grow
under very large rocks,
and I almost broke
my back getting them.
Oh, do you think Mr. Howell's
gonna be surprised
about his surprise party?
I guarantee you we'll shake him up.
Unless someone made him suspicious.
What are you lookin' at
me for? I didn't tell him.
You know how good I keep a secret.
That's what we mean, gilligan.
Skipper, I'm sure Mr. Howell
doesn't suspect a thing.
Well, let's keep it that way.
It's too sweet.
Oh, boy!
After 3 months without
meat, what a treat!
Wait till he tastes those
barbecued spareribs
we're gonna give him.
Yes, we were lucky to trap that wild boar
in the pit.
Yes, I'm certainly sorry
I missed him with that first arrow.
We had a hard time catching him.
I just love barbecued spareribs.
Well, I just love Mr. Howell.
We all love Mr. Howell.
Oh, they all hate me.
Instead of this putter,
I wish I had my trusty nine iron.
It's gotten me out of many a trap.
Lovey, my dear.
Hurry with those bandages.
Yes, darling. I'm coming.
Oh, is that the outfit you intend to wear?
Yes. Yes, my dear. Why?
Oh, well, then I'll have to make bandages
out of this sport shirt.
All the others would clash.
Ha! Good thinking, lovey.
I tell you, we'll be invincible.
I could hold off an entire
battalion for a month.
There's just one small item
you've overlooked, dear.
What's that? We'll starve.
Holy cow! You're right.
There's only one thing to do.
When I was confronted
with a crisis on wall street,
I used to meet it head on.
Well, what are you going to do?
The only thing a true ho well can do.
I'll go to the scoundrels
and face them down.
Lovey, give me a hand.
Take the trunk. I'll take
Teddy and my drink.
How's the cake coming, Mary Ann?
Mmm. Perfect. It's just ready for baking.
Yeah.
And this dunch is almost all pun.
I mean this punch is almost all done.
Mmm. It's perfect.
It's all gone, but believe
me, it was perfect.
Good work, gilligan.
You're punch-drunk!
Alright. Who is going
to slaughter the boar?
Come on, who's going to do it?
Somebody's gotta kill that old boar.
Gilligan: I can't do it.
I don't have the heart.
Professor: It'll be quite messy.
It's certainly no kind of work for a girl.
Oh, it's a shame that
arrow didn't get him.
Oh, you're all making a
lot of fuss over nothing.
Now, all you have to do
is sneak up behind him and
Then it's all over.
Gilligan: Well, if it's so
easy, why don't you do it?
Well, we know it's not going to be easy.
If he knows you're coming
for him, he's gonna be vicious.
Well, but, I mean, all I have to do
is hit him senseless with a club,
and then some one of
you can cut his throat.
Mary Ann: Oh, but it seems so cruel.
Skipper: Believe me, Mary
Ann, he won't feel a thing.
Professor: Look, we know
it's not going to be easy,
but once it's over with, we
can all relax and celebrate.
Gilligan: I almost wish
Mr. Howell hadn't put us in his will.
It started the whole thing.
Oh, don't be silly, gilligan.
Will or no will, Mr. Howell deserves this.
Now, come on.
Why don't one of you big, strong men
do it and get it over with?
I know.
Why don't we go money eeny miney
miney eeny money.
Never mind, gilligan.
We know what you mean,
but even a pig deserves
more dignity than that,
so let's draw lots.
Thurston, what's the
matter? What's wrong?
I overheard their diabolical plot,
and believe me, lovey,
they'll never take me alive.
Oh, thurston ho well,
I don't believe a word of it.
No, I overheard them.
They're going to draw lots.
To see who kills the old bore.
Oh, now I know you're being ridiculous.
No! They said they're
going to kill the old bore.
Oh, don't be silly, darling.
You're not an old bore.
And that's what I've been
telling people for years.
Thanks I think.
That wasn't a very nice
thing for me to say,
especially while you're still alive.
Lovey, you've got to be more serious.
One of them is going
to knock me senseless,
the others are going to cut my throat,
and then they're going to have a party,
and then they're going to celebrate.
Oh, dear, I do think having a party
is in very bad taste.
I'll send you my forwarding
address on the next tide.
Where are you going?
I'm going to the other side of the island.
Oh, I'll go with you. No, no, no, dear.
That's impossible.
But how will you live?
What are you going to do?
I'll hide in the jungle, I'll live in the trees,
I'll swing by vines.
I'll eat berries, I'll eat grubs,
I'll sleep by day, and I'll prowl by night.
I'll live like an animal.
Where's the financial page?
How will you survive in the jungle?
If the apes can do it,
believe me, so can I.
A ho well can do it much better.
Farewell, my dear. I'll
see you in happier days.
Oh, darling. Haven't
you forgotten something?
Yes, I certainly have.
I forgot my suitcase.
Carry on, my dear. Carry on.
Remember, I love you always.
Good-bye, my precious one.
I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
You mean to tell me that all this time
you've been planning a
surprise party for Mr. Howell?
Gilligan: Uh-huh. We wanted
to do something nice for him
because we love him.
Then who's the old bore
you've been planning to kill?
The old bore?
Oh, you must mean the
wild pig that we trapped
'cause we thought Mr. Howell
would like some barbecued spareribs.
He does! He does! He just adores them!
Good heavens.
What, is something wrong?
Mr. Howell. He's gone.
He thought you were trying to kill him.
Trying to kill him? Why, that's ridiculous.
Where is he?
He's gone in hiding at
the other side of the island.
Oh, that could be dangerous.
There may be wild animals.
Wild animals?
Mrs. Howell, don't worry
about the wild animals.
No?
They usually fall in the quicksand.
Quicksand!
We'd better go get him right now!
[All shouting]
Gilligan: Mr. Howell?
Skipper: Where are you?
Professor: I think he came this way.
Oh, they're getting closer.
But they'll never get me.
Never! Never, do you hear?
Onward!
Boy, is he slippery, huh?
I was positive
I was positive he headed in this direction.
Look! Professor, he
must have been here.
Look, it's a banana.
That doesn't mean he was here.
An ape probably dropped that.
Oh, gilligan. Does an ape use a napkin?
If he's neat.
He went this way.
Come on!
Can't go on.
Must rest.
[Gurgling]
Quicksand.
Gilligan: Mr. Howell!
Hey, Mr. Howell!
Skipper: Mr. Howell!
Gilligan: Where are you?
Oh, look.
What's the matter?
Oh, it's Mr. Howell's hat.
Professor: In the quicksand.
Gilligan: Mr. Howell?
Mr. Howell, are you down there?
Wait a minute, gilligan! It's no use!
What a horrible ending for Mr. Howell.
I wish we could have
given him a funeral.
We can, gilligan. We can.
[Women crying]
Mrs. Howell, shall we begin?
Gilligan.
Gilligan, are you sure
the grave is big enough?
It should be. It's 6 and 7/8.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
to pay our last respects
to Mr. Thurston ho well III.
[All weeping]
Skipper: None of us was too happy
when we became
marooned on this island,
but we got something for it.
We got to know Mr. Howell.
[Sobs]
And today we are richer
for having known him.
You bet you're richer. All of you.
Our thoughts are with
you down there, Mr. Howell.
How dare you.
Well, Mrs. Howell, no offense.
I was referring to the quicksand.
I know exactly where he is.
Thurston was always an angel.
Yes, Mrs. Howell. I'm
sure that he's right up there.
In spite of all Mr. Howell's wealth,
he was a real buddy,
a true friend. He was one of us,
and as a true friend,
we always counted on him.
We counted on him often.
For how else could we
have survived on this island
without his foresight,
his wisdom, his courage?
Oh, I feel I've not only lost a true friend,
I've lost a brother.
[Women sobbing]
Yes. I've lost a friend and advisor.
He treated me like a father.
He was like a father to me.
He was like a father to me.
He was like a husband to me.
He was kind and sweet
and gentle and loving.
Oh, I wish thurston could hear this.
I'm sure that somehow he can.
Skipper: Thurston ho well
was a Saint of a man.
He was always thinking of
others As he proved to us
when he remembered us all in his will.
We shall never forget you,
thurston ho well.
I can't take his money.
I don't want his oil well.
Good-bye, Denver.
The same goes for
me. Good-bye, railroad.
Oh, I couldn't take his diamond mine.
Oh, I'd never be happy on that plantation.
They never really cared about my money.
It's me they love.
[Wailing]
[Branch creaks] Whoa!
It's Mr. Howell.
Mr. Howell, is it really you?
[Gasps]
Mrs. Howell, look who's here!
Look, everybody! Mr. Howell!
[Cheering]
Gilligan, look who's here!
Quiet, quiet! Don't let me interrupt.
I've never been to a
more beautiful funeral.
For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
which nobody can deny ♪
speech! Speech!
Well, thank you.
I don't know what to say,
except I haven't felt so wonderful
since I foreclosed my mortgage
on the city of Cleveland.
Oh, Mr. Howell.
I wish there were some
way we could show you
how glad we are that you're back.
Well, you already have.
You gave me the finest
funeral a man ever had.
Yeah, I enjoyed it.
Women: Surprise!
Surprise?
Oh, isn't that what a cake!
I'm completely overwhelmed.
I just wish that dear lovey were here.
Where is that wonderful woman?
Oh, lovey!
Here I am.
Just like a ho well. Always in the dough.
They're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in their tropic island nest ♪
no phone ♪no lights ♪
no motorcars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪