Loot (2022) s03e06 Episode Script

1
[gentle piano music playing]
[patrons chattering]
- Aw, this is so nice.
- Yeah.
- Quiet dinner. Just the two of us.
- Mm-hmm.
Things have been so nonstop
these past few months.
- Mmm.
- I really appreciate
you being my plus-one.
Especially with Nicholas being gone.
Yeah. How's that going, by the way?
Oh, you know, I'm surviving.
I feel like I hear his laugh every time
I see a botched butt job,
- but it's just the wind.
- [chuckles]
Made any decisions?
- Oh, yes.
- Oh.
We will have the steamed abalone
with the unctuous liver sauce,
the tomato tartare,
and the smoked salmon pizza to start.
- Wonderful.
- Oh, and do you want to add anything?
- No, it's fine. [chuckles] Yeah.
- Thank you.
- [inhales sharply] Um, Trivia Corner.
- [gasps]
Do you know that it's actually
our six-month anniversary tomorrow?
Oh, my God.
I love when Trivia Corner's about us
and not about different types of corn.
[chuckles] Yeah.
So, wow. We should celebrate.
Get away somewhere.
- Exactly what I was thinking.
- Yeah.
You know how I've been, you know,
- the plus-one at so many of your events?
- Mm-hmm.
So what about, maybe, this time,
you're the plus-one at one of mine?
I would love that. What's the event?
Okay. How does it sound
to do a fun, exciting,
- romantic weekend in San…
- …torini?
- Uh, no. San…
- Tropez?
- No. San…
- …dra Bullock's private estate in…
Nope. San Benito, California.
Never heard of that.
Well, that's because
there's nothing there.
But there's at least a restaurant or…
No. [chuckles]
But it's absolutely gorgeous.
And it's also the hunting ground
for the Red-Hooded Shrike.
Oh, my gosh.
I thought they'd caught him.
Is he killing again?
No, no, no. It's-It's not a person.
No, it's a… it's a bird.
- Oh. [chuckles] Oh.
- And one of the rarest in California.
So my birding group is gonna go up there
for a few days to try and catch a glimpse.
- Oh, but I wouldn't want to intrude.
- No, you wouldn't be intruding at all.
I-I want you there.
Okay then.
Let's go find this Red-Hooded Shrike.
- Yes!
- And once we find him, what do we do?
We're gonna write it down in our journal.
Yes, but after that, what do we do?
That's it. That's all we do.
We just log the date and the time.
I mean, I know it sounds a little boring,
- but I mean…
- Are you kidding? That sounds amazing.
Yes!
["Gimme That Money" playing]
[song ends]
[couple giggling, kissing,
chatting indistinctly]
Oh! Oh, dear lord, no! No. Ew.
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
This is my office. Why are you here?
This is where we like to make out.
- Your office has the strongest AC vents.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It gets really hot once we get going.
- Oh, no, no.
- [gasps] Uh-oh. Go, go, go!
- No to all of this!
Please! W…
How long has this been going on?
- Well… About a month?
- Um…
You know, we just didn't wanna tell you
'cause we knew you'd be threatened
by your sister and your work husband
hooking up.
Oh, you are not my work husband.
- There she goes again. Nag, nag, nag.
- Mm-mmm.
Guys, this is a place of business.
You can't have a chaotic fling.
This is not a fling, Sofia.
Howard is my boyfriend.
- I am?
- Yes, of course you are, baby.
Baby, it's just that we haven't had
that "WUWU" talk yet.
- Mm-hmm.
- "What's Up With Us?"
Well, I think it's "TWUWU."
"That's What's Up With Us."
Sofia, you might wanna get out of here.
It's about to pop off.
I'm not going anywhere.
This is my place of…
[shouts] Nipple!
Uh, hey. I wanna talk to you
about something for a second.
[inhales sharply] Before you ask,
yes, Destiny and I are using protection.
I'm on the pill.
I… okay. [inhales deeply]
Listen, I don't think this Destiny thing
is going to work. [sighs]
Why? You don't think
I'm good enough for her?
Because I agree. And I am panicking.
No, you're great.
You're one of the sweetest guys I know.
And that's why I don't want
my sister to break your heart.
Oh, come on. She won't break my heart.
Look, Destiny can't help herself.
She gets bored, then she'll bail.
No, this is different.
Destiny and I really
care about each other.
She even broke up with her last boyfriend
right after we met.
Exactly. That is chaotic.
Let us prove it to you.
Molly's out of town,
so why don't you come over for brunch?
Oh, no. I hate brunch.
All those egg dishes
and then a burger option?
Like, pick a side.
Mmm, Sofia, I have been
a very faithful work husband to you.
Remember your vows.
- [clicks tongue] Fine.
- [chuckles]
- Can I bring anything?
- Nope, just an open mind.
And one of those giant cheese wheels.
Wow.
It's beautiful, right?
Oh, my God.
I could just bottle the air up here.
[inhales deeply, moans]
One small thing,
there is a fungus in the dust
that induces Valley Fever. Yeah.
So just short, shallow breaths.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- [breathing rapidly]
- Yeah.
Uh, are you cool with this hotel?
I know it's not glamorous.
Oh, my God. Are you kidding?
I love it.
- It's so rustic.
- Mm-hmm.
Can I tell you a little secret?
I think we should get
some bottled beer later.
- I'm so naughty. [chuckles]
- [chuckles]
- Well, I did bring some champagne.
- [gasps]
And I splurged for a room with a balcony,
so we'll have a beautiful view
of the stars tonight.
Aw, Arthur, you didn't have to pay.
Yeah, well, it's not about having to pay.
I wanted to pay.
Why?
Because you always pay, you know?
And it just… I don't know.
Sometimes it just doesn't feel right. Hmm?
There they are!
- Paula! Kai! What's up?
- What's up? [chuckles]
Jake! [sighs] Pat and May!
- You guys look amazing. I swear.
- [May chuckles]
- Who's the noob?
- Oh, hi. [chuckles]
- I'm Molly. I'm Arthur's girlfriend.
- Oh.
Yeah, Molly, this is Paula.
Paula's actually the president of SCAB.
The Southern California Alliance
of Birders.
She is a legend.
She's got a bird life list of 692.
Oh, wow. Is that a lot?
I don't know. I just…
I feel like I see so many birds a day.
Like at least 70.
Or maybe I'm just hearing them.
Or maybe probably less than that.
Maybe it's like… [clicks tongue]
…mostly cartoon birds.
I didn't know there were gonna
be girlfriends here. [chuckles]
Just… surprise.
I missed the memo. [chuckles]
- Mine's home with the kids.
- Ah.
We raise baby goats.
Okay. Great.
Yeah.
Um, I just wanna say that I know
that I'm very new to this.
And I will not get in the way
of any of the bird-watching.
That's good. Because we need
to be on our shit
to have even an ass-hair's chance
of seeing that bird today.
Okay? Let's take flight, y'all.
[Kai] Come on, Dad.
[Howard] I hope you're hungry.
[chuckles] Wow, Howard. This…
This is really nice.
Isn't it? [chuckles]
Oh, I thought I asked for the big one.
You know what?
It's the thought that counts.
Uh, where's Destiny?
Uh… [chuckles] She'll be right back.
She just stepped out to get some flowers
for the tablescape,
but she'll be back any minute now.
Uh-huh. Let me guess.
You did all this work yourself,
and she had one small task
that isn't done,
and you haven't heard from her in hours.
Won't you make yourself at home?
I must make the rounds.
I'm the only one here.
[inhales shakily, sighs]
[bright instrumental music playing]
- [sighing]
- Wow.
Come and get it.
Paula Wojarski's famous nut bags.
- Oh, yes.
- Thank you.
Just a heads up.
I got kicked out of my co-op,
so there's no pistachios.
[sighs] Paula makes the best snacks.
Guys, remember when she put
goji berries in there?
- Oh, yeah. So good.
- Wild. [chuckles]
I actually brought a little something
for everyone too.
I had them custom made
by my in-house crystallographer.
Oh, Molly. This is too much.
I just wanted to say a little thank-you
for letting me hang.
These are so cool.
[Paula] Yeah, these are so cool.
I mean, really, what's cooler than
blinding a bird?
What?
What do you think would happen
when the sun hits those slutty crystals?
They shine right in the bird's eyes,
and then the bird can't see.
So guess what happens. Tree collision!
Legs up! Dead.
I'm so sorry.
I was just trying to be helpful.
- Oh, you were trying to be helpful?
- Uh-huh.
Well, don't tell me.
Tell the relatives of that bird.
- [sighs]
- [Arthur] I…
I'm sorry about Paula.
She can be a little territorial.
- [sighs]
- Much like a bird, ironically.
- [chuckles]
- Oh. [chuckles]
You think that's why she got
kicked out of her co-op?
Yeah, because I missed one shift
to go to a Bonnie Raitt concert.
And I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Yeah, birders have excellent hearing.
Um…
[chuckles] So, um…
Sofia, I've always wanted to know, uh,
what are your religious beliefs?
I'm sorry. She's not coming.
I'm going to leave.
No, no, please, please, please.
Just 20 more minutes.
I'll microwave the salmon.
Howard, this is my weekend.
I could be home right now,
relaxing on the couch,
- doing a ton of work, so…
- Yes!
- Destiny's in the hospital!
- What?
- Yeah, she broke her wrist…
- Oh, shit. [sighs]
…and she's in the ER.
That's why she's not here.
Look, I hate to say I told you so,
so I'm gonna sing it.
I told you so! ♪
[gasps] Destiny.
[mischievous music playing]
[Molly] Okay, so what you're describing
is classic mean girl behavior
from Scarlett.
And here's the reason why it's happening.
You're playing Annie in the school play,
and she's just jealous
because she's Orphan Number Two.
[clicks tongue] Oh, you're so right.
Yeah, I see it now.
Now I have a question for you.
Is it pronounced "Chapel Roan"
or "Chappelle Rohan"?
[shushes, whispering] Everyone, shut up.
- [mumbling] All right.
- [whispering] The first one.
[bird singing]
That's it. That's the call
of the Red-Hooded Shrike.
Okay. Everyone needs
to be perfectly quiet.
Not one sound.
We don't wanna scare it away.
- [Arthur] Okay.
- [Molly] Okay.
[metallic squeak]
Oh, my God. Did you not hear me?
I just asked everyone to be quiet.
I'm sorry. It was the chair.
I'm so sorry. I won't move again.
- [whispers] I promise. I promise.
- [groans]
[metallic squeak]
[softly] Oh, my God.
It's like a jackhammer.
[softly] It was not!
That was the tiniest squeak ever.
And now you're yelling?
Why are you yelling?
Because you're saying
that I'm making sounds and I'm not.
You're literally making sounds
out of your wet little mouth nonstop.
[gasps] My mouth is not wet.
It is perfectly dry
from your shitty-ass nut bag.
Why don't you just come here
and say that again?
- Oh, I'd love to, honey.
- Come here.
I got a little piece of news for you.
I live next door to Mel Gibson.
I've seen some shit.
Well, I volunteer at a ranch
where we rehabilitate circus apes.
- I will crush your windpipe!
- Yeah?
- I will bite your cheeks off!
- [breathing heavily]
- [clamoring indistinctly]
- Okay, okay. Stop. Stop. Stop.
I will eat you!
Stop it, please!
Nobody is gonna
bite anybody's cheeks off, okay?
- What's that? Look.
- What? Where?
- Come here!
- What? Oh!
- Okay! Okay! That's enough.
- I will take you down.
Set it up! Set it up, motherfucker!
- I'm gonna kick your kneecaps off!
- [Arthur] Okay, okay, okay.
Stop it! [breathing heavily] Stop.
Paula, please, just listen to me.
Molly promises that she'll be quiet
from here on out.
Seriously?
The Red-Hooded Shrike is gone.
We missed it.
No confirmed sighting.
[sighs]
Goddamn it!
And so I was crossing the street
at the Farmer's Market,
picking up some winter peonies
for the tablescape,
when one of those e-bikes
just barrels into me.
That must've been so scary.
[sighs] It really was.
But luckily there was a bunch
of white people there
at the Farmer's Market to help me up.
I'm just glad you are okay.
Are you, Fi-fi?
She thought you flaked on brunch.
[chuckles] Not my sister
judging me? Oh, no.
It was actually more
of a data-driven prediction.
You should've seen her face
when she realized she was wrong.
It was all like… [gasps, groans]
[chuckles] She love making that face.
[groans, imitating] I'm Sofia. I use words
like "data-driven" and "prediction." Oh.
[Howard imitating Sofia] Work, work, work.
[bright instrumental music playing]
[sighs] Okay, you can say it, you know.
Say what?
This was a bad idea.
That I should've never have
taken you birding.
No, it's fine, Arthur.
Kai's very nice.
She taught me what "boots" means.
I mean, we can't expect
all of our interests to overlap. Right?
Because then we'd be the same person.
We'd be clones.
And you can't have
a real relationship with your clone.
I mean, the sex would be terrible.
Right? [chuckles]
Or yeah, maybe, actually…
Maybe it would be
the best thing ever, you know?
Because you'd really know what you wanted.
But then again, you would
never be surprised.
So I don't know. Maybe it's a toss-up…
Why don't we stop talking about
having sex with clones?
- We're supposed to be being quiet.
- Okay.
- [in Mandarin] They in trouble.
- Oh yeah.
Mmm.
[in English, sighs]
Babe, my wrist hurts so bad.
Do you think the cafeteria has mango boba?
Probably. But if they don't,
I will find it.
[chuckles] I don't deserve you.
Aw. Anything for my injured little lamb.
[imitating lamb]
You need to help a bitch.
What? What's wrong?
Okay, so there is a guy in the lobby
who still thinks he's my boyfriend.
And that's because… [swallows]
…technically, he is.
Wait. Boyfriend? I thought you broke up
with your boyfriend to be with Howard.
I did. I ghosted him,
and he didn't get it.
So he flew all the way out here
because he's worried about me.
So, naturally, we had to go talk
at Dave and Buster's.
And I broke my wrist whooping his ass
in Whac-A-Mole.
Oh, so that's where you were
instead of brunch?
Sofia, Todd came all the way
out here to see me.
What else was I supposed to do?
[Howard] Uh…
[groans, pants]
- Hey, where's the cafeteria?
- That way.
Thank you.
Destiny, you can't do this to Howard.
He really likes you.
Okay. And I really like him too.
So here's what we're gonna do.
I'm gonna sit here, look pretty,
wait for my mango boba.
You're gonna go out there
and break up with Todd for me.
- Thank you so much.
- No. Absolutely not.
Fi-fi, please! Listen,
I tried but he didn't get it.
You're much better
at hurting people's feelings than I am.
[clicks tongue] Come on, Fi-fi.
Please help me.
Howard is gonna be back here
at any minute.
Love you!
[classical music playing]
Okay, everyone, look.
I know it was a tough day, okay?
But let's not get too down.
We heard birdsong.
So there's a high likelihood that we see
a Red-Hooded Shrike tomorrow.
It's almost like we had
a bad luck charm with us.
Yeah, 'cause they probably
smelled your breath.
It's called "birder's breath."
And it attracts birds
because it smells like worms.
She thinks she knows everything about it.
I'm sorry about today.
- No, I-I'm sorry.
- No, it's on me.
- [sighs]
- I mean, birding, you know,
like most extreme sports,
gets… [chuckles] …intense.
And you have been nothing
but an absolute trouper.
And I love you.
Thanks. I love you too.
Look, why don't we just…
Let's go up to our room.
We go out onto the balcony,
and we pop a bottle of champagne.
[truck honking]
["She Bangs" playing]
- What in the hell is that?
- [chuckles]
It's our room for the night.
- What?
- I bought it from Will Smith today.
Surprise! [squeals]
Isn't it great? [chuckles]
Thank you.
Check this out.
She bangs, she bangs ♪
Oh, baby, when she moves, she moves ♪
I go crazy
'Cause she looks like a flower ♪
But she stings like a bee ♪
- [song continues]
- Look at the roof raising!
Raising the roof!
Isn't it amazing?
It's so big it's illegal in Europe!
I'm gonna turn on the hot tub.
[cackles]
- [song ends]
- Oh! Look at this.
I'm so glad they could get this here
on such short notice.
It's gorgeous.
Look at this. Leather seats.
[gasps] There's a screening room.
And the roof doubles as either
a pickleball court or a casino.
- Oh, hello.
- Oh, snap. What's up?
I'm DJ Liam. I come with the trailer.
Very cool.
Would you guys like me to
lay you down some beats?
[gasps] Certainly.
Arthur, are there any beats
that you'd like laid down?
Some "boots" ones maybe?
No, I'm not staying
in this ridiculous trailer tonight.
Ah, Liam. Could you give us a moment?
I was legally traded to you,
and I have to obey your wishes.
So, just kinda let me know
what you need from me.
I'll be upstairs doing my art.
What are you doing? Why did you get this?
Well, you said it earlier.
We've had a long day,
and I've been a good sport.
I just wanted to treat us
to something nice tonight.
I had a plan.
- I-I got us a room with a balcony.
- Which is…
Which is so sweet.
But we can do that all here,
with the added bonus of kombucha on tap.
Oh, wow.
Wow. You know,
I worry about you sometimes.
[scoffs] What's that mean?
Your desire to just buy yourself
out of every tough situation
is just not good, Molly.
Oh, what's wrong with trying to
make things a little bit nicer?
And besides, who wants to stay
in a tiny, sad, DJ-less hotel room?
Because it's my hotel room
that I bought and paid for.
That's it.
That's the real issue, isn't it?
It's not about the hotel room.
You're upset because your girlfriend
has more money than you
and you can't stand it.
No, this is not my problem.
This is your problem.
You can't spend one night
in a normal place with normal people!
"Normal people"?
Paula is not normal people.
She took scat samples
of all of the animals here
home in her backpack.
Look, I… [sighs]
I am who I am, okay?
I can't go backwards.
Backwards?
- [scoffs]
- No, I mean…
Is… Is being with me going backwards?
No. I… No, of course not.
I'm not… I'm not saying you
are going back… That's not what I meant.
It is what you meant. You meant it as bad.
Look, Arthur, that's not what I mean.
What I'm trying to say…
Give me the remote, please,
so we can close this thing up.
- It's embarrassing.
- We can't do that while we're in it.
- It'll crush us to death. Are you crazy?
- Give me… Give me the remote, please.
- Stop. You're being childish.
- You're being childish.
- Excuse me. Stop. No.
- Give it to me. Give it to me.
- Oh, my God. Arthur. Stop! Arthur!
- Give it! Give it! Give it! [grunts]
- [shrike singing]
- [shushes]
What?
[Arthur gasps]
- Is it…
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it.
[chuckles]
Is it…
[whispers] Wow.
[bright instrumental music playing]
Oh, what a beautiful bird.
[shrike continues singing]
[Kai] It's so cute.
Pretty good first birding entry, huh?
[chuckles]
Incredible.
[instrumental music continues playing]
[shrike continues singing]
You know, sharing something like this
with you here,
it kind of puts things in perspective.
It does, doesn't it?
I just wanna say that I'm…
I'm so sorry. I'm…
[whirring]
[all screaming, clamoring]
- Oh, fucking fuck! No!
- Fucking Jesus!
That should've been you! You should be
in that vent, you ug… You bitch!
- No, no, no. [stammers] No! No.
- You killer! You shrike killer!
- [no audible dialogue]
- ["The Sound of Silence" playing]
Hello darkness, my old friend ♪
I've come to talk with you again ♪
Because a vision softly creeping ♪
Left its seeds while I was sleeping ♪
And the vision
That was planted in my brain ♪
Still remains ♪
Within the sound of silence ♪
[mouthing] Thank you.
In restless dreams I walked alone ♪
Narrow streets of cobblestone ♪
'Neath the halo of a street lamp ♪
I turned my collar
To the cold and damp ♪
When my eyes were stabbed
By the flash of a neon light ♪
That split the night ♪
And touched the sound of silence ♪
Liam, we need to go even sadder.
[song ends]
["Do What You Gotta Do" playing]