Smiling Friends (2020) s03e06 Episode Script

1
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Blart!
What the devil are you doing
on that confounded
computer tablet device?
BLART: Hawk tuah, man!
Mmm, boy.
(SWALLOWS)
(CHUCKLES) After 487 seasons,
they've still got it.
Glep and I are going
to AnimeCon.
Oh, that sounds fun.
I am dressed up.
Yeah, I I can see.
Nice.
Thank you.
-Goodbye.
-Okay, see you guys.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES, BEEPS)
Hello?
Hey, Pim. (COUGHS)
Hey, can you tell the boss
I can't come into work today?
(GULPS) I feel pretty sick, man.
Charlie, are you actually sick,
or do you want
to just play that new game
that just came out?
Wh-- What--
I don't know what game you're--
What game are you talking about?
(COUGHS) Oh, man.
Oh, man, sorry. I gotta--
I gotta get out of here.
(COUGHS) I'll talk to you later.
Okay, well, rest up.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
(GRUNTS)
-(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
-(SCREAMS)
Oh, yeah. (CHUCKLES)
Okay, so that's the job.
Okay, sounds good.
-Wait!
-What?
Where's the fat one?
Oh, Charlie's sick today,
so it's just me.
Hmm, normally
it wouldn't matter,
but this job
is a domestic dispute.
It's got to be a two-person job
just in case it gets nasty.
Oh, well, Allan-- Allan
and Glep aren't here either,
so who should I go with?
You know what, Pim?
I think there's
someone I can call
to come out of retirement.
(BLOWS)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
-(PLAYFUL TUNE PLAYS) ♪
-Wassup!
Pim, meet Squim,
the first Smiling Friend
I ever hired.
Oh, hello there.
My name is Squim,
and I retired all the way
back in 2001.
I'm so happy
the boss called me back
to do one more job.
Hello, my name's Pim.
Oh, Squim to meet ya, Pim.
-Squim to meet ya.
-(CHUCKLES) Nice--
Nice to meet you too.
God damn, that's beautiful.
Now get on out of here.
I got to do
some important boss stuff.
(COMICAL WHOOSHING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
(PANTING, GRUNTING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC
PLAYING OVER COMPUTER) ♪
(SWALLOWS) Oh, man,
that kebab hit the spot.
I don't know why it was spicy.
I thought I ordered
non-spicy,
but, hey, I'll take it.
I'll take it.
PLAYER: Hey, yellowman95,
why do you have troops
around my border, man?
Don't worry about it, man.
Just chill out, okay?
Just chill for a second, dude.
-(GUNSHOTS OVER GAME)
-PLAYER: (YELLING) No! Hey! No!
Don't! Don't!
Stop what you're doing!
I'll be taking some
of your oil there.
I'll take some of your
What is that?
It's gold. Thank you.
Oh, hey, I'll have it all.
-Thank you very much.
-(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
Shit.
-(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
-(FAKE COUGHS) Hi. Hello?
Hey, Charlie.
What are you up to?
Hey. (FAKE COUGHS)
Hey, I'm actually home,
uh, sick right now, in bed.
Pim told you that, right?
Yeah, he did, he did.
The only problem
is I can see you
on Steam right now
playing "Grand Strategy IV",
you fucking liar,
you fucking piece of shit,
little fucking rat.
What? No, no, no. I don't
know what you're talking about--
Charlie, I'm going to make this
really simple for you, dude.
If you don't get into work
by noon, you're fired.
You hear me?
Fired! Get in here! (GRUNTS)
(PANTS)
Now where was I?
(PANTING, GRUNTING)
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
Man, I cannot lose my job
right now.
I'm still paying off
that painting I bought.
-(STOMACH GURGLING)
-Oh, my stomach. (GROANS)
Oh, God, man. (GROANS)
Going on a job!
Going on a job!
Going on a
beep-bop-boop-bop-bop!
Going on a job!
Going on a job!
Going on a
hip-hop-bop-bop-bop job!
-(YELLS GIBBERISH)
-(CHUCKLES) I love that.
Hey, I've always wondered,
what was Smiling Friends like
back in the beginning?
Uh, we were Squim-tastic.
Back in the early days,
it was a small little business
about yay big.
It was just me back then.
Yeah, it was tough times,
but I learned the most
valuable life lesson.
Oh, what's that?
That positivity
is the key to life,
no matter what the situation.
Wow, I've always felt that too,
but other people
tell me that's naive.
-Pim, hey, listen. Hey, Pim.
-Oh!
-Uh, yep.
-Listen to me.
Lis-- Stop. Look at me.
-Okay.
-Hold my hands.
-Like this? Uh--
-Put your feet in front of mine.
Uh
Never, and I mean never,
let anyone ever tell you
that you should not be positive
because it's the only mode
you should be in!
Oh wow, okay, thank you.
Oh hey look, I think we're here!
-(STRAINS)
-(GLASS SMASHING)
MAGGOT: What are you gonna do,
are you gonna lay your hands
on me again, huh?
Oh, finally, there they are.
This is clearly my garbage,
and this filthy maggot
can't wrap his tiny brain
around that simple fact.
No, no, no, it is my garbage.
-And you know that's true.
-I'll rat you rat off.
Rat me? Rat you? I spit on you.
(SPITS)
Don't you ever spit on my trash!
Hey, hey, wait.
Instead of screaming,
why don't we--
Be positive, Be positive
Be, be, be, be, be positive ♪
(SINGS GIBBERISH) ♪
He's right.
Let's make up
and be best friends again.
I agree.
Rat and Maggot, the iconic duo,
back together yet again.
What about that?
Who woulda guessed that, folks?
Come on, get over here, man.
I love you.
-(EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(SIGHS) Oh, that feels good.
The garbage is for both of us.
-I know.
-The garbage is for both of us.
-I know.
-I know. It's for both of us.
-I'm sorry. (COUGHS)
-It's for both of us.
The garbage is for both of us.
Successful mission!
That was awesome.
You're great at this, Squim.
I love how positive you are.
Pim, it was because of you too.
We did it as a team.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
You know, usually
this job would have taken
a lot longer.
What do you want to do now?
Hey, I have an idea.
Let's go get ice cream.
Ooh, that sounds yummy!
(RUMBLING)
(RAT AND MAGGOT SCREAMING)
-(FOREBODING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(GROANS) Oh, God.
-(BELLY GROWLS)
-(MUSIC DISTORTS) ♪
(BELCHES, GRUNTS)
God damn! (GROANS)
-(HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALING)
-Get back here, Goddamn it.
Someone grab him.
Hey, I don't want
to freak nobody out
or nothing like that, man,
but I see the bus driver
has devil horns, man.
We gotta get off this bus, man.
The devil can't drive the bus.
The bus is gonna crash, man!
(GROANS)
Excuse me? Do you know
what the next stop is?
-(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(DISTORTED RUMBLING)
(RETCHES)
(PASSENGERS SCREAMING)
(WINDOW SMASHING)
I love waiting in line ♪
It is my favorite time ♪
Oh, golly, it's so refreshing
to have someone else positive
to go back and forth with.
Isn't this what
your other partner's like?
I mean, isn't he positive?
I mean, not really.
Charlie's my best friend
in the whole world,
don't get me wrong,
but he's not positive like you.
Maybe we can do more jobs
in the future,
like you and me as well.
Oh, I would love that, Pim.
Would Charlie come too?
Oh, I mean, yeah,
sure, if he shows up.
(CHUCKLES) Well, well, well
(CHUCKLES) How you doing, Pim?
-Who's your new friend?
-Hi, Mr. Ice Cream.
This is Squim.
He's taking over
for Charlie today.
Pleased to meet you, Squim.
Oh, Squim to meet you too.
I love this ice cream place!
It's so cool and smells so good.
(SLOPPY LICKING)
Thank you, man.
Me and my wife started it
30 years ago.
Phyllis really was one
of the kindest souls I ever met.
(SIGHS) I miss her more
and more every day.
Oh, your wife is dead?
Oh, that's not positive.
Oh, you gotta be positive.
You gotta do the Squim dance.
-(PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Do a little Squim
Make a little love ♪
Get down tonight, da-da-da-da
Get down tonight ♪
Uh, Squim. I don't think
that's really appropriate.
Da, da, da, da, da, da ♪
(SOBS) Why are you doing this?
-(SINGING GIBBERISH) ♪
-All right, Squim, we get it.
-That's enough, Squim. Ah!
-(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
All right, that's enough, Squim!
Squim, stop! Stop!
(PASSENGERS SCREAMING)
-Hello? Please come quickly!
-(CHARLIE DOMPLER GROANING)
There's a crazed man
terrorizing everyone!
I think he has a bomb
on him and
Hey, excuse me. Do you know
what street we're on?
I really need to get to work.
(SCREAMS)
-(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(DISTORTED BUZZING)
Oh, I can see the office.
Oh, I'm almost there.
I'm almost there.
I told you, man, the devil ♪
-(GRUNTS, GROANS)
-(CLOCK TICKING)
-Devil, man ♪
-(STOMACH GURGLING)
-Devil ♪
-(CAR HORNS BLARING)
Devil, man ♪
Devil ♪
Devil, man ♪
Devil ♪
Devil, man ♪
(DISTORTED WARBLE)
(ROARING)
(SCREAMS FRANTICALLY)
-(TIRES SCREECHING)
-(CAR HORNS HONKING)
Squibbidy-doo
Squibbidy-dee ♪
Squibbidy-hipbbidy
Hipbiddy-squi ♪
All right, I think it's time
we go back to the office.
I love everything, I love life
I love everything, I love life ♪
Okay, stop, Squim, please.
It's kind of annoying now.
(SINGS GIBBERISH) ♪
And hello Pim
And I am Squim! ♪
Squim, being positive is good,
but there's a time and a place.
You behaved pretty bad
with Mr. Ice cream back there.
Huh?
I'm not trying to be mean.
I'm just
you know, I'm just saying.
Oh, I see.
I I get it, Pim. I get it.
I wasn't being positive enough!
I'm gonna help this couple!
I'm gonna help
this wheelchair guy!
I'm gonna help
this homeless thing!
Squim, calm down!
Oh, I gotta help those police
over there with whatever
they're doing!
Squim, get back here!
Sir, get on the fucking ground!
-Ah, help!
-Get on the ground, man!
Get on the ground!
I just need
to get to the office!
-Sir, we have you surrounded!
-Oh my gosh, Charlie!
Squim dance! Squim dance!
Everybody do the Squim dance! ♪
He's doing the Squim dance!
Shoot him!
(RAPID GUNFIRE)
Stop! Stop shooting.
Shots fired. Shots fired.
Do a little Squim
Make a little love ♪
Get down tonight ♪
-(HEART MONITOR BEEPS STEADILY)
-(GROANS)
Yeah, so I don't
know what you ate exactly,
uh, but it had
a parasite apparently.
A really, really bad one.
Uh, this is the worst parasite
we've ever seen, unfortunately.
(PARASITE SCREECHES DEMONICALLY)
Man, that's the last time
I ever eat a parasite kebab.
Okay, let me just say that much.
Do you want to take it home
with you as like a trophy?
-No.
-All right.
Dibs. Mine then.
You are so fucked.
You have no idea
how fucked you are.
(CHUCKLES) You are so fucked.
Oh, Charlie,
you actually were sick
and I didn't believe you.
I'm so sorry.
No, I'm the one
that should be sorry, man.
You know, I wasn't really
sick earlier.
I played hooky,
but then I did get sick.
Uh, I guess that's
like karmic justice.
And anyways, now there's
like a tube inside my penis.
So no, I won't be
doing that again.
Yeah, and even though
you're a lying rat,
you really proved
your loyalty to me, Charlie.
Everything ended up working out
in the end.
Except for Squim.
I feel terrible
about what happened to him.
What do you mean?
Squim's soul just went
through a 14-hour surgery.
He's gonna live!
(BREATHES WEAKLY)
Hello there.
I'm sorry, who-- who is this?
He was, like, the first
Smiling Friend I ever hired.
He used to be, like,
really wacky and stuff.
-Pim could back me up.
-Yeah, he was, yeah.
Yeah, if you saw him before,
it'd make more sense.
Oh.
Okay.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Uh, excuse me.
Can I get a picture with you?
No.
I love you.
-Okay.
-I love you.
-Can you leave us alone?
-No, no, you don't understand.
I love you.
No, you don't get it.
-Please. Stop.
-I love you. No, please.
You don't understand.
-Please, sir. Stop! Stop!
-I love you. I really,
really love you!
-Stop it! (SCREAMS)
-I love you. I need you.
I love you! I need you!