The Brady Bunch (1969) s03e06 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
Much more than a hunch
That this group must
Somehow form a family
That's the way we all
Became the Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
The Brady Bunch.
See, it's one of these.
Boy, it sure is.
It's called an octopus.
See why?
Yeah.
CAROL: Yeah, it certainly
looks like an octopus.
It's very dangerous.
The teacher talked about it in class.
It tells all about it in
the home safety drive stuff.
"Any wall receptacle with more
than two appliances being used
at one time is an overload
and it can overheat."
Miss Barnaby says that's why
we're having this home safety drive.
Let's go look upstairs.
Ah, listen, those sockets
are full of electric current.
So be careful.
This home inspection
thing's a good idea.
Yeah, I think so.
Inspection completed.
You can tell the kids
my room is 100% safe.
Yep, so is the kitchen.
Now that we've gotten rid of the octopus.
Oh, good.
Octopus?
Peter, what are you
doing home so early?
Why did you leave Jane's party?
Well, something happened.
Pete, what happened?
I don't want to talk about it.
Well, something happened at that party.
Hey, what happened at the party?
If you really want to know nothing.
Nothing?
Nothing. Nobody talked to me all night.
Aw, go on, you're exaggerating.
Well, one guy did.
He said
What did he say?
He said I have no personality.
No personality?
See? Nothing, zero.
Let's face it, I'm dull.
That's ridiculous.
Sure it is. Listen,
you have a good personality.
Parents have to say junk like that.
Now, Peter, you know that isn't so.
Turn around, look in there
and tell me what you see.
Same as before:
Dull me.
You know what I see?
I see a fella who had a crummy time
at a party, that's all,
just like his pop used to have
when he was his age, hmm?
And like your mother still has
at certain luncheons.
You'll feel much better after you have
a good night's sleep.
Mmm. Your mom's right.
This won't seem like
such a big thing in the morning.
Good night, and don't forget
to hang that up, okay?
Boy, are you dull.
Well, now, I hope these
are the right plugs.
Just the kind the teacher said to get
instead of that old octopus.
( Chuckles )
You know that all last night
I dreamed about octopuses?
Octopussies? Octopi?
Oops! Good-bye, my darling.
Oh, good-bye, honey. Have a nice day.
Yeah.
Good luck.
Wait a minute, Dad.
Fore, fore, fore!
We still have a lot more to do
on our safety campaign.
CINDY: Here's a whistle.
What am I supposed to do with this?
You blow it.
I know you blow it.
For what reason?
A fire drill!
We have to have a fire drill.
Our teacher says we have to practice
getting out of the house real fast.
Yeah, that's what I'm
trying to do right now.
Look, we'll have one when I get back.
I promise, good-bye.
I don't want to talk about it!
Pete, hey, Pete.
Listen, if you can't tell me
what are brothers for?
Now, come on, what's bugging you?
Well, last night I found out
I haven't got something
everybody else has.
What?
It's something important.
What?
Something real important.
Tell me, will you?
A personality; I don't have a personality.
You don't have a what?
I'm dull, d-u-I.
Oh, for crying out loud.
That's stupid, s-t-u-p-i-d.
No, it's not.
I'm so dull I'm almost invisible.
Come on, Pete, you're not dull.
There are lots of guys duller than you.
Who?
Well, there's
I'll think of somebody.
( Whistling )
Ho-ho.
Just blow right in here.
Okay, okay, we'll have a fire drill.
( Cheering )
( Whistling a tune )
Okay, everybody ready?
ALL: Yes! Yeah!
Remember, I'm going to time us.
Oh, uh, try to act like you
don't know it's coming, see?
Go about your everyday business,
do what you're doing
'cause it's got to be natural.
CAROL: Mike, would
you blow the whistle?
Okay.
( Blows whistle )
KIDS: Fire drill, fire drill!
( All yelling )
GREG: Come on, everybody.
Alice, what are you doing
out here with that chicken?
Oh Well, Mr. Brady said to go ahead
and do whatever you were doing.
Oh, Alice.
ALICE: Besides, if
there'd been a real fire,
it would've gotten too well done in there.
Listen, considering this was
our first fire drill,
we didn't do too badly: 21 seconds.
Hey, good, huh?
The next time the fire drill
has to be a surprise, right, Dad?
That's what I was trying to
tell you at the bottom of the
Right, Mike, next time
we're not gonna get any warning.
Hear that kid? Next time,
you're on your own.
Why didn't Peter come down?
That's against the rules.
Mom said he didn't have to.
Pete's down in the
dumps about something.
What?
Well, the other night at
the party, some guy told him
he was dull, that he didn't
have any personality.
And Pete believed him?
That's silly.
Well, that just goes to show you
if you aren't too careful of what you say,
you can sure hurt somebody's feelings.
Maybe there's a way we can help Peter.
Yeah, but how?
Yeah, how?
Well, if one person can say something
to make someone feel bad,
then maybe another person
can say something
to make him feel good.
Here he comes.
Just don't be too obvious, Kathy.
Peter's pretty sharp.
MARCIA: Hi.
KATHY: Hello, Peter.
Hi.
Pete, what's the name
of that science fiction movie
you were talking about
the one that's on TV this week?
The Invasion of the Potato People.
That's it.
What's it about?
Oh, just a dumb old
science fiction movie.
Thank you, Peter
that was very considerate.
What was? I didn't do anything.
You took the trouble to help us.
Attractive boys aren't usually so nice.
You're right.
What's the movie about, Pete?
Oh, just a drippy old scientist.
That sounds so exciting!
Exciting?
It's the way you say it, I guess.
You know, he has such
a way with words.
I do?
Tell us more.
Well, this scientist is trying
to protect the earth
from these terrible potato people.
Oh, you make it sound so scary.
Do the potato people look like potatoes?
Yeah. They've got eyes all over them.
They're trying to plant
themselves in the earth
and take it over.
I could die!
He's too much!
They're kind of an icky, dirt color.
And they've got these sprouts
sticking all out of their potato heads.
I've got goose bumps, the way you tell it.
He's so forceful.
And what a memory!
The best part is when the
scientist hides behind a rock
like this.
He's trying to wipe out the potato people.
He injects the ground
with a secret chemical
Is Peter home from school yet?
Cindy!
Did Kathy trick him yet?
Did it make him feel better?
What do you mean, trick me?
Sorry, Marcia.
We were only trying to help, Pete.
You really did make the
story sound exciting.
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
who's the dullest one of all?
( Phone rings )
Hello.
Yes, he is.
Well, may I tell Peter who's calling?
Oh. Sure, Peggy, hold on a minute.
Peter.
( louder ): Peter!
Telephone for you.
Who is it?
It's Peggy.
Hi, Peggy.
When's the party?
Wait a minute, let me check.
Sorry, I'm doing something that night.
Thanks anyway. Bye.
Peter, why'd you do that?
Well, how would you like to be
the fourth guy asked to a party?
What difference does it make
first, fourth, or whatever?
Well, anyway, I don't care if I go or not.
I'm just plain dull at parties.
Peter, if you were as
dull as you think you are,
would anybody invite you to a party?
I'm don't think I'm dull.
I know I'm dull.
Well, I think you've just decided
to feel sorry for yourself and enjoy it.
You know, I'm disappointed in you.
You're quitting.
That's not how you cope with problems.
Stop moping around.
If you don't like your
personality, improve it.
Change it.
If you don't like your
personality, improve it.
Change it.
Dad's right.
But change it to what?
MAN ( with English accent ): Ah,
do you really think so, Clarette?
WOMAN ( with English accent ):
Now, Donald, don't be modest.
You're so fascinating
it's impossible to resist you.
Ah, but I am what you compel
me to be, my darling.
( Chuckles )
You do love to toy with people, don't you?
Oh, kiss me, you suave,
hypnotic charmer.
You suave, hypnotic charmer.
Bobby, go on upstairs.
You're not supposed to know.
It's a surprise fire drill, right?
Yes, it's a surprise fire drill.
Scoot on upstairs.
And pretend you don't know.
I love surprises.
( Blows whistle )
( All shouting )
( All shouting )
Well, I don't know.
Peter's not here yet.
Oh, now, where is he?
Top of the day, old chaps.
What's the umbrella for?
There isn't even any clouds.
Peter, what's the joke?
Joke? It's my new personality.
Don't you like it?
( Stifling snickers )
Well, Peter, it
You don't like it.
WOMAN ( on TV ): I
shouldn't be here with you,
yet here I am.
Say something, Joe.
MAN ( imitating Bogart ):
Look, sweetheart,
don't tell me when to say something.
Joe, I didn't mean
It's all right, sweetheart.
Just shut up and kiss me.
If you want me, sweetheart,
just whistle.
If you want me, sweetheart,
just whistle.
( Mimicking Bogart ): Hey, Mom.
Hi, Alice.
What's for dinner?
Pork chops.
Pork chops, huh?
What else?
Applesauce.
Pork chops
and applesauce.
Ain't that swell.
Have you got something stuck
in your teeth?
Why do you say that?
MIKE: Hi, honey.
I'm home.
You say we're having pork chops
and applesauce for dinner?
Yeah.
That's swell.
Hi, honey.
Hi, sweetheart.
What's for dinner?
( Imitating Bogart ): Pork
chops and uh, applesauce.
Huh?
Pork chops and uh, applesauce.
Isn't that swell?
I think you need a vacation.
Guess who's, uh, coming to dinner?
A psychiatrist, I hope.
No, I, uh, I think it's Humphrey Bogart.
I'm not sure.
Hi, Dad.
( Chuckles ): Hello, Peter.
We're having pork chops
and applesauce.
( Chuckling )
Hey, Pete, that's pretty good.
Of course, there's only
one Humphrey Bogart.
Doubt whether there'll
ever be another one.
You don't like
this new personality either?
Oh, well, that's just the trouble, Peter.
It's not your new personality.
It's Humphrey Bogart's old one.
All the great personalities
belong to somebody else.
Well, why don't you stop
trying to imitate other people
and just develop your own personality?
It's not going to be easy.
I hope there's not an old Dracula movie
on TV tonight.
( Imitating Dracula ):
Why, you don't like Dracula?
Let me kiss your lily-white neck.
I will take you to Mike, cut that out.
You know I can't stand it. No!
( laughing )
See, I added a central courtyard here
to handle all the traffic flow.
Mm-hmm. Gee, I think
that's very attractive.
Yeah, I think that helps.
Oh. Come on in, Peter.
Well, if you're busy, I can come back.
No, it's okay, Pete. Come in.
Well I was just wondering, uh
would you like to hear a joke?
A joke?
Well, sure.
It's probably not too funny.
Well, why don't you try us and see?
You don't have to laugh
if you don't feel like it.
Why don't you let us be the judge.
Let's hear it.
You know why horses
can't go to college?
Um, no. Uh, why can't
horses go to college?
They can't finish high school.
( laughing )
Where'd you hear that?
I got it out of a joke book I bought.
That's pretty good. You got another one?
Yeah. If teachers are so smart,
how come they're still in school?
( laughing ) Hey, if teachers
are That's pretty cute.
More coffee? What's so funny?
Oh, Peter's really telling us
some good jokes.
Oh, I love a joke.
Go ahead, tell another one.
Well, these two guys meet on a corner
and one guy says to the other,
"My brother just got
a job making switches
for an electric company."
And the other guy says,
"Is it steady work?"
And the first guy says,
"No, it's just off and on."
( laughing )
Off and on?
That's very funny
( Alice continues laughing )
That's good.
Do you know what's gray
and stamps out jungle fires?
No, what's gray
and stamps out jungle fires?
Smoky the elephant.
( laughing )
Smoky the elephant.
Hey, Peter, that's good.
Tell me, what do you get
when you cross a parrot with a tiger?
I don't know. What do you get
when you cross a parrot with a tiger?
I don't know, either,
but when it talks, you better listen.
( laughing )
( laughing )
( Sighs )
How are the kids coming
with the safety campaign?
Oh, we must have the safest house
in the country by now. Yeah?
The only thing left are seat
belts for the dining room chairs.
Don't give that idea to the kids.
( Knocking on door )
Come in.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Sure. What is it, Peter?
Well I wanted
to ask you something.
Can I have a party?
A party?
Okay, it's all right by me
if it's all right with your mom.
Sure, I don't mind.
Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.
What's the occasion?
I just want to tell a few jokes
and let everybody see
my new personality.
You're coming out
of your shell. That's good.
Well, now that I've got
this great new personality,
why should I waste it on just the family?
You know, Mike, I think.
Peter's jokes are kind of cute
but maybe the kids
he invites to the party won't.
Honey, kids usually
like those kind of jokes.
Besides, he's finally
enthusiastic about something.
It's important.
Well, I guess you're right.
Who knows? Maybe that's
how Bob Hope started.
Ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha.
Anybody want seconds? Thirds?
Oh, yeah.
Hey, everybody, you want to hear a joke?
( Kids shouting encouragement )
Okay, this man walks into a restaurant
and he says to the waiter,
"Do you serve crabs?"
And the waiter says
"Sit down. We serve anyone."
( All laughing )
( Talking, laughter )
Hey, listen, he's really killing them.
My son, the comedian.
Yeah.
I guess you all heard that one.
Well, how about this one?
This lady goes to the doctor
and she says,
"Doctor, when I get well,
will I be able to play the violin?"
And the doctor says, "Of course!"
And the lady says, "That's great
'cause I never played it before."
( All laughing )
He's really knocking them dead.
Well, I was right another Bob Hope.
Sounds like everybody's
having a ball, Peter.
Yeah, some ball.
What's the matter?
We hear them laughing.
Sure. Every time I start to tell a joke,
someone else tells the punch line.
( All talking softly )
What's the matter, Peter?
Nothing.
Then why are you sitting by yourself?
That's what you did at
Jane's party last week.
I don't want to ruin everybody's fun.
I'm too dull.
You're not dull.
I think you're very nice.
You're just saying that.
I am not, and if you don't believe me
ask somebody else.
Hey, Judy, come here.
What's up?
Peter thinks he's dull.
Peter, dull? That's silly.
That's what I said, too.
Hey, what's going on?
Peter says he's dull.
Isn't that ridiculous?
It sure is.
Poor Peter.
He must be miserable in there.
Mm, no, I'm not shy, I really am dull.
Have you seen anybody duller than me?
If Peter's miserable
that is the only way to be miserable.
( Kids talking softly )
( Kids laughing )
That's somebody who's dull.
He's got a harem.
( Blowing whistle )
( Blowing whistle )
BOTH ( yelling ): Fire! Fire!
Fire drill! Fire drill!
Get out this way.
Follow me!
( All shouting )
How's that for a surprise?!
What a dumb time for a fire drill.
Just when I was having
fun with my five guests.
You had 11 guests, Peter.
Five. Who counts boys?
( laughing )
He's a chip off the old block, huh?
Oh, yeah? Since when?
I was right all along.
I am dull.
Oh, Peter, don't start that again.
Oh, I don't mind. I like it.
You like it?
It's great. My personality's
making me very popular.
Girls love a dull guy.
You don't say?
PETER: Sure.
They hang around you
and they try to convince you
that you're not dull.
I'm the first guy invited
to three parties next week.
Well, looks like dull is in this year.
Why don't you change
your personality, dear?
( Mimicking Bogart ):
If you say so, sweetheart.
( Mimicking Bogart ): How
about some pork chops
and, uh, applesauce?
I'd rather have a kiss.
( In normal voice ): Oh, the first time
I've ever kissed Humphrey Bogart.