The Cleaner (2021) s03e06 Episode Script

1
OK, guys, Intimacy
Week's coming up.
How do you feel about that?
Is that you in in bed for
the rest of the day now, is it?
Are you having a breakdown? Ha.
Oh, no, it's not that
Married at First Sight
Australia horseshit again?
Oh, two people looking
for love is horseshit, is it?
They're not looking for love.
They're looking for fame so they
can sell sunglasses on TikTok,
as if getting married
wasn't tacky enough.
Bloody hell, he doesn't
even like weddings now!
Get yourself in debt
so you can pretend to your friends
you live in a fairy tale? You knobs.
Oh, you cynical old man!
What job is it anyway?
Weirdly, it's an actual
wedding, down near Wolves.
Well, you tell that
couple from me to
"cherish every single
moment they're together
"cos that's what soulmates do."
What?!
It's what Cheryl's just said
to Digga in episode one. Aww!
Yep, weddings.
Meaningless sentiment.
See you later.
CHATTER
All right, Wicky?
All right, Jack?
What happened?
Mad one. So, wedding
reception's about to start,
some bloke in a
balaclava comes in,
smacks one of the guests round
the head with a baseball bat.
Bloody hell! Dead?
Nah, he'll have a
bloody headache though.
Ketchup all over the shop.
One of the guests tackled him,
so we've got the toerag in
custody, but he won't talk.
Just letting them
get on with it.
Get on with what?
Father of the bride wants to
carry on with the reception.
Eh?! You'll see
when you meet him.
Legend.
Ah.
Where's Ruth? She's at home,
watching some reality shit.
About time you made an
honest woman of her, innit?
Eh? Shut up! Why would
we want all this nonsense?
All women want to
get married, Wicky.
They want to have
their princess day.
Jesus, Jack, you can't say
that sort of thing any more, mate.
You'll get cancelled. You'll
have to go and work in Nando's.
I didn't say it.
Lorraine Kelly did.
Why are you watching Lorraine?
Personal choice.
Here we go!
Legend alert!
The cavalry arrives!
Not before time, son.
We've got a bloody big train
to get back on the tracks here.
Right, go on.
Sorry, I don't
He knows. Course he knows!
Come on.
I I really don't
Just sing the song
if you want, mate.
Song?
Bob Mammot,
the King of Storage
If storage is your thing
Bob Mammot's your king!
Ra-ra! Ra-ra! ♪
He knows, he's
just being polite.
Right, kid, this is for you.
Oh, we're not allowed, Bob.
Hey, hey, you know,
you've been as good as gold
and we could do without all this
getting in the press, you know.
And you're going to keep it
on the downlow, yeah? Take it.
Cheers, Bob.
I'll have a vape in the panda,
make sure you're not disturbed.
Right.
Wicky. Wicky.
Here's me hand, right?
Here's me heart.
Now, I've heard you're
the best in the business.
I'm going to need you to
perform some miracles here, son.
Come this way.
So what was the
attack all about, then?
Total mystery.
Professional jealousy, probably.
Oh, yeah? A lot of that in
the storage world, is there?
Yeah. Who else has facilities in
Stourbridge, Dudley and West Brom?
No-one! Oh!
And it's going to take more than
a hoodie swinging his dick around
to derail a Mammot wedding.
Thought he was swinging
a baseball bat round?
Hey, have a bit of respect,
kid. A man was hurt.
Sorry.
Hey, Dave, there's canapes
and fizz in there, son.
Give your missus a
break from the prosecco.
Cheap twot.
Right, you need
to get a wriggle on.
Keep this on the downlow.
Jasper Carrott's going
to be here in a minute.
Right.
Master of ceremonies.
Ah.
Thought he'd retired.
HE thought he had
..until he saw how many zeros
were on the end of the cheque.
Three. Ah!
With a four in front.
Four grand. Four
grand, yeah. Yeah.
Also, I hurt my wrist
writing one out for UB40 -
featuring Ali Campbell.
Oh, right.
Are they going to
play Red Red Wine?
Well, we're not going
to have the first dance to
Rat In Mi Kitchen
are we, you plum?
Any more stupid questions?
Yeah, one.
Who was it who got hit?
It was me dad!
Oh, God, I'm sorry. I
Who would want to hurt your dad?
We built this empire together.
Me and me dad are the
biggest storage providers
in the Black Country.
Maybe it was cutting the
head off the storage snake.
He's my rock, Wicky. My rock.
They wouldn't lie and say
he wasn't OK if he wasn't OK,
they wouldn't do that,
would they, Wicky?!
No, I'm sure if they said
he'll be fine, he'll be fine.
Yeah.
You're a good man, Wicky.
I can see that.
I won't forget this.
I mean, do you even know
your inside leg measurement?
What about this, then?
All right? Yeah, it's nice.
Oh, here he is, my worst half!
Hello! Hello!
You're not going to believe
this, Bob, I just caught
the Right Honourable David
Quince MP trying to sneak out!
Oh, yeah, you're not
going anywhere, sir. Well
Let's get you a drink. I
think I've had quite enough.
Oh, he says he's had enough.
We'd never live it
down, would we?!
"MP seen leaving
Mammot wedding sober."
No? No, thank
you, to that headline.
I think in the circumstances
it would be best I left.
I think the press
might see it as a
David! I will not have you
leave the wedding of the year!
And there's no press coming -
other than the ones I've paid for.
Got a double-page shoot
in the West Midlands Now.
Yeah, and we've
got this big lad here,
he's going to clear up the mess.
All right? We've met before.
I doubt it, I doubt
that very much.
Now, David, I would love to talk
you through the wedding menu
We have met before.
Do you remember? you came
down my local pub for a photo shoot
during the election.
Not seen you since,
though. Typical politician.
I imagine a politician is a bit
busy to sip pints with a cleaner.
Crime scene cleaner.
Hey, don't worry about that
pint that you left by the way.
My mate Weasel mine-swept it.
He's not bought
a drink in 12 years,
not bad for a
functioning alcoholic.
I say functioning,
he shat himself.
David, would you
excuse me for a moment
while I handle this gentleman?
Wicky.
I shall show "the cleaner"
to where he is needed.
Don't let him leave!
Right, OK, so,
get chugging on
that, David. Ooh, er
Hey. Oh!
Sorry, but am I not
cleaning this first?
Oh, sorry.
Just thought it might be
nice to get the blood off
my daughter's 23-grand
wedding dress first!
Come!
It's quality that, it's been
soaked in oak or summat!
SOBBING
Mum! How is he? Is
he going to be OK?
Who? Grandad, of course!
He's fine! You just focus
on being the perfect bride.
Get her slap sorted, Tara.
It's a disaster.
Look at me!
Oh, you look
gorgeous, Anne-Marie.
Why would anyone
want to hurt Grandad?
Tell her she looks
like an angel, Ravi.
You do, you look well fit.
Like an angel!
Like an angel, yeah.
There you go. Thank God this
one was here to tackle the little shit.
We owe you, Ravi,
don't we, Anne-Marie?
Yeah, thanks, Rav.
Anything for you.
You was a hero, Ravi.
Like a Brummie Jason Statham.
GIGGLING
Hey, you're Ravi Singh?!
Yeah. That's mad!
I saw you score against
Brentford this season!
Yeah, that was
a good goal, that.
Hey, congratulations,
by the way.
Ta. Oi, Cleaning Tower of Pisa,
you're not here
to spot celebrities.
There's a bride there.
Yeah, all right, I was just
I'm surprised to see him.
How you doing? You all right?
Never mind the therapy,
get that muck off her veil!
Can you get it off?
Hey, do bears shit in the woods?
Oh! You show some respect.
It's my little girl's
wedding day.
Fucking bears
shitting in the woods.
Hey, Tara, hoick them jugs up.
We need a bit of
glamour in the photos.
Give it here, I'll go
and soak it for you.
Oh, I'll get a picture
for Insta, babe.
Not when I look like this!
Yeah, maybe let me
clean her up first, eh, girls?
I think maybe we
just cancel it all, Mum.
What? Are you a
Mammot or a mouse?
Cancel? Have you any idea
how much all of this cost?
You think Jasper
Carrott, Ali Campbell
and Noddy Holder are free?!
I told you, I don't
know who they are!
Who's all this for?
So ungrateful.
For you, my girl.
To make you the bride
of the fucking century!
Can we go and see Grandad?
What for? He's off
his nut on morphine.
We have got a schedule as
tight as a gnat's chuff, my girl.
You stay focused.
I spoke to your dad before,
he said he's going to be fine.
Your grandad, I mean.
And he's an old comedian.
He had a hit about
a funky moped.
Jasper Carrott.
It's less relevant. I should
have bailed at the grandad fact.
Bollocks, we're supposed
to be throwing the bouquet!
Come on, girls, the
photographer's on the clock.
She don't need a veil
to throw a bunch of flowers
over her fucking shoulder.
I just wanted a normal wedding!
Mammots are not normal.
Ravi, love, do you mind
helping Bob move the cake?
No problem, Mrs M.
Cheer up, Anne-Marie.
You look Like an angel.
Yeah, like an angel.
Right, come on, you lot, photos.
Tits and C.
Charmer, isn't she?
She might be the worst
person I've ever met
and there was a lad in my
town who had sex with a magpie.
They Wolves socks?
Yeah. Yeah!
You play with Ravi, do you?
I used to, on the youth
team, but didn't make the cut.
Aw, but you've stayed
best mates? That's nice.
Yeah, I mean,
don't see much of him now
that he's busy with the team, like.
Ah, well, shit
game anyway, innit?
I only went to that match
because I had a spare ticket
cos my mate fell
into a septic tank.
He what?
I mean I say fell, he dived!
He'd been on
poppers for three days.
What do you do now?
Work for Bob, unfortunately.
Ah, the power behind the
Storage King's throne, eh?
Nightmare about this attack!
Yeah, I mean I can't say it
was a massive shock, but
Yeah, he said something
about a jealous rival, is it?
Is that what he told you?
Oh! Why you know
different, do you?
Well
There you are, brain-ache.
I've been looking
for you everywhere.
DJ needs help setting up.
Can't someone else do it?
Can't someone else do it?
You work for me,
you bloody muppet.
Even Ravi is helping out.
It's all hands to the pump.
Bob, we should have a chat
about what's just happened.
My boots will have a chat with
your ping pongs in a minute, son.
Get!
Bloody kids these
days, eh, Wicky?
Right, let's get me dad's
spooge off that cake.
Love you, Dad.
Stay strong.
Thank you for your
patience, everybody.
Please enjoy a glass
of vintage champagne
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK:
..courtesy of the Storage King himself,
Mr Bob Mammot.
There you go, big man.
Good lad. What do you think?
Well, it's big.
"It's big", he says.
That's four grand's worth of
cream sponge in there, mate.
Who's that?
Who do you fuckin' think?
It's the mug who paid for it!
Well?
Well, I can clean it, yeah,
but the chemicals are
pretty toxic, you know.
It's all right.
Well it's life-threatening.
Doesn't know much about
showbiz this one, does he, Ravi?
Nah. Yeah, right.
Show him your watch.
Nah, you're all right.
No, go on, show him your watch.
Right, how much is that?
I'm not really a
watch guy, lads.
Guess how much. How much?!
Yeah, go on.
3 million?
3 fuckin' million?! What
are you talking about?
Like I say, I'm not
really a watch guy.
That's 80 grand's
worth, that watch.
80 grand!
Now, did you have to spend
that to tell the time, Ravi?
Yeah Did you, Ravi?
No!
You don't.
And you don't need to eat
a cake to be impressed by it.
The function of this cake is
to wow the crowds before my
..before
..you know, the speeches.
Right, see, lights down, right?
Jasper comes out,
gives it the big 'un,
then UB40 crank
out Baby Come Back,
then lights up
Cake.
Wheeled out by a bloody
Premiership football player.
And then I come out,
give it all the funnies!
Legend!
Too right I'm a legend,
come here, Ravi Singh.
You're the son I
never had, mate.
I mean it. Do you
understand that?
I'm just thinking, Bob, right,
you're the legend of storage
and I'm the legend of score-age.
Fuck me, mate.
Did you just come up with that?
Yeah.
Did you hear that? He
just came up with that.
I'm going to open
with that, mate.
Can I have that? I mean it.
That'll bring the ceiling down.
Lads, just to be clear,
if I clean this cake
and someone eats
it, they might die.
Bob!
That bastard MP's
had it on his toes again!
We've got star-studded speeches.
We can afford to lose an MP.
No, I want him here.
I told everyone he'd be here.
Where's Anne-Marie?
Has she gone AWOL?
Shithouse bride, that girl.
Hey, Viv, it's our
daughter's big day. Come on.
What's this bell doing
here? The floor isn't done.
What are you
doing here, you bell?
Ravi, sweetheart, will you
please find Anne-Marie?
She'll listen to you.
Tell her she needs to
be working that courtyard.
MP! NOW!
So sorry, sir.
Mr Carrott and Mr
Campbell are stuck in traffic.
Shit, bollocks!
Right
I'm going to phone
Jeff Lynne from ELO.
Hey, Mr Blue Sky.
That's right. No,
it's Bob Mammot.
Yeah, it is, Bob Mammot.
Yeah, King of Storage.
Oi.
Does this not bug you a bit?
What?
Why's he on the
cake? It's your wedding!
It's not. What?
It's not my wedding.
I'm best man.
You seen Anne-Marie?
You better watch
that woman, son.
Don't want to lose her on
the way home, do you, eh?
Eh? Hey!
Heeey! 1-nil! Ha-ha!
You're the groom?!
What are you doing out here?
You should be cleaning
up. Vivien will go mad!
If you're the groom, why's he got
you running round like some skivvy?
Same reason he's made me
buy all this shit no-one needs -
he's a boss.
Look, the whole family are mad.
Well, why are you
marrying into it, then?
Because Anne-Marie is amazing.
It's mad! You haven't
even been in the photos!
Yeah, but I'm not
a celebrity, am I?
Why would they
want a photo of me?
Oh, no. No, no, this is no good.
It's none of my business,
but this is your day.
You have to do a Janet
Jackson here, mate.
You're going to
have to take control.
She's a singer.
Had a series of hits
in the '80s and '90s?
She whopped her bap
out at the Super Bowl!
It doesn't matter who
she is, Manish! Focus!
You know what? You're right.
Thanks, Wicky.
Don't thank me.
Thank Janet Jackson.
Now, go.
Ah, mate, we've been
together for years,
but I don't even know
what to say to her.
Hey, all she needs is for you
to call her your wife, all right?
Failing that - God forgive
me - play the grandad card.
OK.
Anne-Marie
What are you doing
here? Dad's looking for you.
Yeah, but I've barely
seen you all day.
Not even had a chance
to call you my wife yet.
Sounds good, doesn't it? "Wife".
Oh, don't be a melt, Manish.
Grandad!
Listen, I was thinking maybe
we could go to the hospital
and see how your
grandad's doing.
Eh?
No, we can't, Mani.
They're going mental.
It's the photos, then the
meal, then the speeches.
That's how it works. Yeah,
but this is OUR wedding day!
We can do what we want.
I know you'll feel
better if you see him.
Now, this is none of my
business and it might not help,
but if you want, I could cause
a distraction and you can go.
I used to be able to do
the robot, something like
Actually, that
won't help, but
..you can borrow my van.
Cheers, Wicky.
Well, well, well!
This is a cosy love-in.
Where have you two been?
I was talking to Mani. Why?
Because she's my wife.
Ooh, lucky girl!
But you two have got the
rest of your lives to talk shit.
Meanwhile, your poor
dad is losing his mind.
Carrott and Campbell are
stuck in traffic on the motorway.
Ah Coming together,
are they? That's a bit weird.
Shut it, you!
Now, I won't lie to
you, Anne-Marie.
You've let the family down -
God forgive me - and your poor
grandfather would be ashamed.
He's lying there in that hospital
bed with his brain smashed out
while you two kiss and cuddle!
That is an awful thing to say.
Oh, tears again.
Did the spoilt girl not get
everything she wanted?
Did it ever occur to you that maybe
you're the one causing the stress?!
Woo! Hello, big balls!
Nah. You're not
worthy of this family.
You know that, don't you?
Bob just gave you
the job out of pity.
You're just some failed footballer
our Anne-Marie took a shine to.
Christ, I don't even
know why she chose you,
especially when,
well, you know
..there are other options.
OK.
I think it went quite well.
Just leave it, man.
She's right.
Hey!
You know something, don't you?
You know why all this happened.
Right, kid, tell
the kitchen to stall.
Jeff Lynne's having
his bathroom fitted.
He said he's going to move a few
things around and it should work,
so he should be
able to make it, OK?
But the Chef said the
chicken will get dry.
Well, tell him to rub
butter on it or something!
It's not fucking
rocket science! Go!
Thank you for your
continued patience, everybody.
Strap yourselves in, you're
going to have a cracking night.
Just don't leave, please.
Dunna suit you, crying, kid.
Brought you this.
I don't want it.
Might make you feel better.
I just wanted a normal wedding.
Just me and him.
You're worried
about your grandad.
Don't worry, I rang the hospital
for you. They say he's fine.
Did you?
Yeah.
Ravi saves the day again, eh?
Thank you. Course, yeah.
Come on, kid. No more tears.
It was always meant
to be me and you.
What?
Come on. Ravi, what the fuck?
Come on, babes, I
know you love me.
Anne-Marie.
I knew it.
Mani, no.
Manish! No!
That goal came off your
ankle anyway, you knob!
It didn't.
Manish!
HE WHEEZES
Don't make me
run any more, mate.
I'm clinically obese.
I don't look it, but I am.
I get away with it cos I'm
tall, but it's it's all here.
Belly fat.
It's the dangerous kind.
Just forget it, Wicky.
They got what they wanted.
No, nothing happened. I saw it.
She turned him down.
Yeah, but I don't fit in.
You've seen it yourself.
No, neither of you do.
That's why you've
got to tell her.
OK.
Let's do it. Let's.
Oh, this is mad.
I'm just going to go.
Hey.
Weddings are meaningless
..but I know when two
people are right, OK?
Thanks, Wicky.
DISTANT MOVEMEN
MAN AND WOMAN PAN
Anne-Marie?
Yeah, fair play, I
wasn't expecting that.
Now, I may have read
this quite badly, Manish.
I'm I'm not too proud
to admit that to you, mate.
Well, don't go in there!
Manish!
I knew I'd get you to
stay somehow, David.
I don't want to go home! Ugh!
Nearly there, love.
You're polling well.
HE GROANS
Get in there!
Hello.
Ah
David, get out, lad.
HE SIGHS
Come on. Yeah.
When people say to
me, "Why storage?"
I say, "Because every
kingdom needs a king."
The plains of
Africa have the lion
and the leading storage
solution of Wolverhampton
..have Bob Mammot!
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
Dad, have you seen Mani?
No! No, I haven't seen him!
I'm not the boy's keeper.
I have to do all the
bloody work for him as it is.
No, you don't.
I'm the only one that knows what's
going on in your stupid business.
Uh-oh!
Shut up! What the fuck
are you talking about?
Mani You are not
going to believe this, Bob.
Them two burst in when I was helping
David get ready for the speeches.
God knows what
he's thinking now.
He was a debt collector, the
bloke with the baseball bat.
Fuck off, was he.
He was, Anne-Marie.
Your dad's run the
business into the ground.
I should know - I
do the accounts.
HE GROWLS
Ooh!
He's been borrowing
left, right and centre
to pay for this wedding
..from dodgy people.
What? Dad?
Now do you see who
you married, my girl?
He's a little liar.
Tell her, Bob.
HE MOANS
Bob, tell her!
Don't look at me.
I'm busted.
Bob!
Aaaargh!
THEY GASP
Ooh!
He's right. We're on our arse.
Forgive me, Dad! Argh!
I did this for you, Anne-Marie!
What have you done?!
You bloody bastard!
I hate you!
I want a divorce!
I don't want to be poor!
I'm supposed to be rich!
No way is that fresh cream.
I don't know
I don't know who I am any more!
You're Bob Mammot!
You're Bob Mammot!
Bob! Bob!
You are the Storage King!
Who's the fucking Storage King?!
Yes, love?
Er, sorry to
interrupt, Mr Mammot,
but Jeff Lynne
just pulled out.
Aaaaaaaargh!
Let's go to the hospital.
BOB AND VIVIEN GROAN AND SOB
I'll get my mop.
Could all guests leave
the premises immediately.
This event is cancelled.
Yeah, yeah, get the face out.
Just the watch and the tits.
Just the watch and the tits.
That's the money-maker. Your
face ain't, darling. Trust me, kid.
Yeah, yeah.
Bling, bling, Ravi
Singh. Tag me in it.
What do you want, cleaner?
Oh, I'd just like
to finish my job.
Just put things right.
Oh, cheers.
Give me that.
Oh, not the watch!
Not the watch!
CAMERA CLICKS
Put that on Insta.
I'm a Premiership footballing
Ref!
And, for the record, you're
more than a pair of boobs.
No, I'm not.
OK.
Oh, no! Oh, no,
not the watch again!
Fuck! Fuck! Bridesmaid,
get me a towel!
Fetch me a towel, love.
Bob Mammot, King of Storage
If storage is your thing
Bob Mammot's your king!
Ra! Ra! Ra! ♪
SWITCHES OFF
All right?
Ooh
Did you get it sorted?
Yeah.
It was all quite
dramatic in the end.
Well, that's weddings,
though, innit, really?
Not all of 'em.
Do you know what
I don't get, though?
I mean, that Digga
..he knew that she
wasn't right for him
and yet he still
went ahead with it.
How many times?
They're not real weddings.
- Yeah, but
- SHE SIGHS
..why do it at all?
Do you know what I
mean? It's just daft.
Well, just if two
people are happy,
just get on with
your life, innit? Just
..just get on.
Right, I'm off to bed.
Press start on the microwave.
You're six minutes
away from a top jalfrezi.
Antacids are in the
bathroom cupboard.
Night, love. See you.