The Comeback (2005) s03e06 Episode Script

Oh, how's the sting, Patience?
Better.
I just don't know how a bee
- got in my breakfast sandwich.
- Yeah.
Okay. I am outta here.
Ah, you're golfing again. Aww.
No, and please stop asking me that, Val.
No, I'm not golfing.
I'm going to Burning Man,
and this is the only thing I can think of
- to wear on the plane.
- Okay.
I assume I will be mostly naked
I'm kidding, Val. I brought shorts.
Mark, they announced the show's airing,
and I've got a marketing Zoom at 9:00,
and you waltz in here to say,
"Oh, I'm going to Burning Man," at 8:57.
Well, I was hoping to minimize
the amount of drama
with the enforced time limit.
So, this is happening then, right?
You're going to Burning Man
with our doorman?
Yeah, I told you about it three weeks ago.
Well, okay, I thought that was like,
"I'm gonna start rock climbing," you know?
Never happening.
Val, I need to get away.
- I can't get this.
Well, if you want to travel,
why don't you go
to the East Coast, visit Francesca?
Oh, I already support them financially.
I have nothing to offer emotionally.
- You have two grandchildren.
- They don't like me.
- They're two and five, Mark.
- No, I meant Francesca and Omar.
Oh, well, yeah.
That's 'cause she thinks
you don't approve of her husband.
Well, I don't, which is probably something
I can work through
with the help of ayahuasca.
- Okay.
- You ever done ayahuasca, Jane?
I bet you have.
- She hasn't.
- Yeah, I have.
- And?
- Amazing.
Okay, that's not helping, Jane.
Mark, you're a grandfather.
Grandfathers don't go to Burning Man.
This one does. And look at the time.
- It's 9:00.
- Love you, Val.
- Mm-hmm, bye.
Just don't die, please.
Show's going well. Don't die now.
Oh, "show's going well"
gets top billing over my death.
Well, you know it doesn't.
- Eh, bye.
- If he does ayahuasca,
he's probably just gonna
vomit for three days.
Aw, okay, thanks, Jane. That helps.
Start.
- Hello, hello, hello.
- Good morning!
I'm just watching through a cut
of the third episode right now.
- Yeah.
- He's been texting me all the way through.
Arbor is obsessed.
I mean, that look on your face, Val,
when that B&B guest says,
"This doesn't look like eggs Benedict."
- It's eggs Beth Benedict.
- So, how's that?!
- So, how's that?!
Oh, you know it better than I do.
God, that is funny.
Allassist is really learning, huh?
Well, actually, no, that's Evan.
That's the Allassist tech support guy.
He's funny. Clever. Yeah, real find.
- Okay, who?
He's the one that wrote that joke,
the "eggs Beth Benedict" joke you love.
So, I think we should try to get him
into the Writers Guild, you know?
That would be a real good thing.
but this is actually
a marketing meeting,
so I believe, Ridley,
you had something on the docket, right?
- Yes. The ad campaign.
- Okay.
I know this is the 11th hour,
but I had an idea.
And, I'm sorry,
I've fallen in love with it.
Okay? So, here it is.
I'm a flag, and I'm being blown sideways.
You know, hanging onto
the flagpole of the B&B.
Right? Real cute.
Just, like, legs out, you know?
Just blowing in the wind, right?
Like the New England state flag.
- No, we're here.
- Yeah.
That's great, but this is what
we were thinking.
- Let me share my screen.
- Uh-huh. Okay.
Oh! Wow!
Okay, yeah, no, that's it! That's the one.
Oh, it's AI. It's basically
the Under the Tuscan Sun poster.
Diane Lane's body, but your face.
And we love it.
- And you look amazing, girl.
- Yeah, so good.
I don't know why everyone's
so afraid of AI.
Done! Nailed it! Ha-ha. I love it!
Billy's in here?
Yeah, I know these offices.
They're so drab and dull.
Game face, everyone.
Plus, we're late.
Scanning took longer than I thought.
Well, why do you think
they wanted to scan your image
- at the "digital dome"?
- I don't know.
In case there are stunts?
You know? Stunt double does it,
Wait, Billy Stanton, 1205, alright.
Stunt double does it, and then,
you know, they put me
or my skin over them.
You know, that's how they do it in movies
Maybe they wanna put me in movies.
You know, and they're just thinking ahead.
- Are there even stunts in sitcoms?
- Sometimes, yeah.
You know, walk through a glass door,
or drop a cake, slip on the frosting.
Well, why do you think
they wouldn't let our cameras in
- to film the scanning process?
- Not now, Jane.
Late for my meeting with Billy.
Hey, careful, I'm on a ladder here.
Wow. Oh, you really
did a lot in here, Billy.
Is that wallpaper and wainscoting?
I've been waiting for you
for seven minutes.
Sorry, I was at the digital dome
getting scanned.
Why wasn't I at the digital dome
getting scanned?
- I don't know.
- Oh, that's because the studio
can't profit off exploiting your image.
Alright, Jane. So gloom and doom.
Anyway, so here I am,
so we can talk about our relationship
like you voice memo'ed me.
You voice memo, I show up.
- Do you want a water?
- What, dear?
- I was speaking. Okay?
- She doesn't want water.
- Yeah. No.
- Does anyone want a water?
No one wants water, Willa.
I think I'm gonna have some.
Okay. Jane, this is private, okay?
So, can you and the cameras
please not come in?
- This is personal. Thank you.
- Okay.
Widen out to get them.
- Valerie Cherish?
- Yeah?
- This is David Berkus.
- Uh-huh.
- Hi.
- I've asked David to do a session with us.
- Hi.
- David is a brilliant couples therapist.
Uh-huh, and has cameras.
Well, I'm producing his pilot on my own.
- Uh-huh.
- I mean, couples therapy content
- is so hot right now.
- Is it? Yeah.
Well, Billy, you can't just
suddenly put me
in front of a therapist
and expect me to talk.
On his show.
You do everything in front of the camera,
but suddenly, not when it benefits
my mental health or career.
You see?
This is what I was talking about.
- Mm.
- I'm sorry. What's your name again, sir?
- David Berkus.
- Berkus, okay.
Like Oprah's decorator.
- Yeah.
- Oh, no.
Berkus, like me, the therapist.
Uh-huh.
That's right, yeah. You know what?
- Jane, they have cameras, so.
- Mm-hmm.
I have cameras, too.
- Good? Are we set?
- Yeah.
- Good? Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Billy, don't have time for this.
Okay, I thought we were just
gonna have a quick talk,
you know, before you had to go
to the color timing session at 1:00.
I don't know anything
about a color timing at 1:00.
Well, you're on the email.
Executive producer has to sign off
on the cut of the pilot, you know?
And I'm in rehearsal,
so that's why there's just no time.
If we had time, we could discuss this.
You know, how Billy seems
to be having a hard time
stepping up as an EP?
You know, never reads the emails
- or listen to voicemails.
- No one
listens to voicemails, okay?
Can we let the therapist say something?
Oh, I'd like to hear what Billy has to say
without him being interrupted.
Okay, everybody's in everybody's shot.
Then, tell him to stay out of my zone.
Holy shit.
Oh, oh! Are you okay?
We are centered.
- Yeah.
- And we are calm.
Okay. Can you get up?
Can't shoot me at that angle.
Val, I have things I need you to hear.
I know, and talking's
real important to you.
That's why, you know,
we should do this on my pod,
when we can get something out of it,
you know, for both of us.
But right now, you have to go be an EP.
Well, I can't leave.
I booked Willa and her boyfriend
right after us.
- I only have enough waters for our crew.
- Did he call us?
Yeah, alright, well, that's okay.
I'll do it. I'll do the color timing, so.
What is color timing?
time the color.
Okay!
Wait, wait, dude.
Then he looks at the lady
Can I tell you something?
You're my favorite character.
Listen, everybody. I am so sorry
that I stood you all up yesterday, okay?
But I had to stay in color timing
just to get the show
looking just right, you know?
Alright, everybody,
please leave the room, except for actors.
Cameras, too.
Well, what's this about?
Actor business.
You don't have to tell me twice.
- Let's go, people.
- Hands down,
- the most talented.
- Thank you.
You need to leave the room now.
- Oh.
- Alright, chop-chop.
Let's move it.
I think we can all feel
that there's something
not being said about
how this show is being made.
And I know what that something is.
- You do?
- Yes.
I was on a show like this before
and it didn't work.
There's another AI show?
You've been on it?
No, I was on a show
where the star tried to take over.
- And you got rid of the costumer.
- Yeah.
And you got rid of the showrunners.
Wait, did you say this is an AI show?
Walter wants to talk about
the costumer, okay?
And he has the floor.
Val, I didn't just make that up.
I heard "AI." What is going on?
is written by AI.
- What?!
- Oh!
Oh, my God!
- Shit.
I wasn't supposed to say anything.
- So, you know.
- Well, you didn't.
It just came out.
Well, yeah, well, 'cause it's a secret.
- I don't like being lied to.
- And I don't like lying
to you, or you.
And you know what?
I'm glad it's finally out.
Wait, wait, so does the studio know?
Well, yes, dear.
The studio is the one that
told me not to say anything.
- Keep it a secret.
- They wanted to keep it a secret?
From who? From us?
Well, from the world, I think. Right?
I mean, until they know
whether it works or not.
And then, it doesn't matter who knows.
Shit.
That's worse than the star
taking over the show.
- How is that worse?
Everyone hates AI!
I didn't sign up to be
on an AI-written show.
Yeah, should we be calling our agents?
Please don't. Please don't.
You know, if this gets out,
and the studio doesn't want it to,
then I don't know,
they could pull the plug
on the whole thing!
- No.
- This information is top secret,
and even had to sign an NDA.
- I'm sorry, what's the big deal?
- Oh!
We can't do a show without writers.
Well, we're not. We have Al.
Al is AI, though.
- Al's a bot?
Is that why no one would ever give me
his contact information?
Well, okay. Guys, listen.
Okay, we're the first.
And the show's tested well.
So, I think we just take
the material that you are given,
bot or not, funny or not funny,
and do everything you can
to make it great.
Alright? We're actors.
That's what we do, right?
That's right.
It's our job to make things funnier.
Uh-huh.
the writers get angry if I change a word.
So many times I've made the writing
so much better than it was.
I've been told that.
- Yeah.
- And then I have to go back
and do the words
the way that they wrote it.
And the audience doesn't laugh,
and they look at me like I'm not funny.
I knew the joke wasn't funny
the whole week,
- but I can't say that. Right?
- Right.
It's like when they give me
a line that's not funny,
they say, "Gabrielle, do it sexier."
- Ugh. Yeah.
- That's probably why
it's been so fun here.
It turns out there are no writers.
It's just us.
Yeah, I've been enjoying this.
- Yeah.
- You know,
I don't think I ever liked a writer.
There's never been a writer that said,
"Hey, how you doing today, Walter?"
Or, "Happy birthday, Walter."
You know, I think they're jealous
because we get more attention.
- They make fun of my arms.
- All writers are dicks.
They're bitter.
They're just bitter people.
Yeah, 'cause they don't work out.
They don't take care of their bodies.
Yeah, and you never want to date one
because they, like,
only think of themselves.
- I do know that.
- Val!
Did you date a writer?
Oh, well, back in the day, you know.
- What?
- No, not rape.
Nothing criminal. Yeah.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are we talking about now?
Oh.
Places for intros, guys.
I'm not ready! Okay.
Hi, you've reached Mark Berman's mobile.
- Leave a message.
- Mm!
Marky Mark, it's me.
Mm, I'm eating pizza
'cause you're not here.
Just two slices.
Hope you're happy.
Mm, hope you haven't eaten any cactus,
so you're not hallucinating, right?
Alright. Miss you.
You know, I've been thinking, Charlie.
My hydrangeas across the street
grow so high,
and your Nellies here are way lower.
I think these have been
replanted recently,
which makes me question.
What's buried underneath there?
Question number two.
Where is Nelly?
That's an interesting question, Mrs. Hatt.
People would have liked it
if they'd known where it was.
And I love that theme song.
Aw. Just so good.
Ah, I could watch this all night.
Nope, gotta go to bed.
You are always saying
that I'm not stepping up
as executive producer.
- No, Val, you say it
- all the time.
- Okay, well,
not letting me in, so what do we do now?
Ooh, okay.
Are you okay? Oh, you're not mine.
Great.
Billy, let's let Valerie in.
Thank you, yeah.
'Cause I have something important
that I'd like to say, okay?
Listeners, this is
a Cherish the Time experiment.
You see? It's always about her.
Was about to say your name,
but cut me off again.
It's never about me.
It's like she can't ever take me in.
Oh, hold on a second. What's this?
I think we got a fan out there.
That's Peri.
- That's my girlfriend.
- Oh, that is?
What are you doing here?
How did you find me?
Well, I haven't seen you in days,
so I tracked your phone
to make sure you weren't dead.
'Cause I called Trader Joe's.
They told me you stopped going to work?
What, you don't work there anymore, Jane?
I mean, what is happening?
I'm busy with this.
Okay, so you're back
to following around this woman
who you told me was a very
destructive energy in your life?
- Flag all that.
- Why are your cameras filming me?
Stop filming me.
What I'm doing is really important.
It's about AI.
You're making very
unhealthy life decisions.
Okay.
Come on, let's go, Rocket.
with you and Peri.
You know, didn't tell her
you stopped working
at Trader Joe's, you know?
Gotta start communicating, right?
Yeah. Start by telling her
that you are gonna be working
on this for a long time.
Yeah, and you can't tell her
or anyone anything
until the studio approves it, Jane.
Oh, no, she knows, yeah.
She signed an NDA.
- Right, Jane?
- I didn't sign it.
Well, what do you mean,
you didn't sign it?
No, she will. You'll sign it, right, Jane?
- Yeah.
- You better.
You know, Val went to bat for you
with the studio and, oh, my God.
Now, I'm getting sidetracked off of me.
Do you see how I let myself do that?
Okay, Billy, don't be so hard
on yourself, okay?
'Cause this is about healing.
Okay, so this is a lot.
It is, yeah. Maybe two episodes.
There. Perfect. And on time.
Tommy.
There is a Belgian waffle truck outside.
Compliments of Miss Cherish.
Can I bring you one on my way back?
- I'm good. Thanks.
- Mm-kay.
Oh, yah-yah-yah-yah-yah!
Yah. Okay.
I'm having a problem
with your hairdresser.
- He's a close talker.
- What does that mean?
- He talks to me very close.
Uncomfortably close.
Yeah, well, you know, he's old,
so maybe he gets so close
so he could hear.
He also rubs my shoulders.
Okay. You don't like that?
Okay, well, you can ask him to stop.
Yeah, you can just say,
You're an executive producer, Val.
Got it.
Yeah. Okay.
That looks good.
I love LaCroix.
Cute kid.
Isn't he?
Tommy, can I talk to you, darlin'?
Yeah.
Please don't rub Frank's shoulders.
He's uncomfortable.
Got it.
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
- He's always so tense and nervous.
- Yeah.
- I was just trying to help.
- Yeah.
- That's all it was.
- Yeah! Yeah.
I've been rubbing
nervous actors' shoulders
since WKRP in Cinci-fuckin-nati.
That far back? Yeah, I know, yeah.
It's different times.
- Different times, yeah.
"See the signs
as they present themselves."
Mm-hmm.
And this sign says, "Exit stage right."
What? Oh, no. Tommy, darlin', no.
Oh, no, it's probably
a blessing in disguise.
Plus, my legs hurt.
- It was fun at first.
- Yeah.
- Now, it's a job.
- Uh-huh.
And workplace drama?
- Not at this age.
- Yeah.
Take me with you.
Pascal can cover for me.
He did you beautifully when I fell asleep
on the La-Z-Boy, on the swing set.
Are you sure? 'Cause I can talk to Frank.
I'm sure.
No hard feelings?
- No hard feelings.
- No?
- No.
- Mm.
Darlin'.
I'll go talk to Pascal.
Thank you. That's a grown-up.
Communication.
- Have a good show.
- Have a good show.
"Have a good show"? Are you kidding me?
Assassin?
Oh, I'm not surprised.
It's always the gays that bring you down.
The gays hate the gays.
I have never been called on the carpet
by a straight actor in my life, ever!
Not John Stamos.
Not Steven Weber.
Not the boy who played Larry
on Perfect Strangers.
Three names. Mark something-something.
- Linn-Baker.
- Whatever!
They were all so appreciative
of a caring, helpful shoulder rub.
It's only the gays
that take it the wrong way.
It's just shoulders, darling.
If I wanted in your pants,
they'd be off by now.
So, I told him.
Jane, you need to sign this NDA right now.
And what's security gonna do?
She's gonna sign it.
She'll sign it.
I'm never signing that.
What do you mean
you're never signing that?
Jane, we have an agreement.
This doesn't concern me.
The point is moot, anyway.
The studio owns the footage
because they've been paying you.
I haven't cashed any of the checks.
Okay, well, now I'm with Peri.
Jane, you are not making
smart life choices.
You don't want to be that person, right?
Has no money, can't pay her bills, right?
Peri won't be attracted to that, you know?
Right? Please.
Sign the NDA, Jane.
I can't.
People have a right to know that AI
is coming for their jobs.
Not just in offices and factories.
It's right here on this stupid sitcom.
Okay.
I have to show them
that it's not happening
somewhere in the future.
It's already here.
Okay, well, I thought this was about
an actor's uplifting return
while she navigates
a whole new television landscape.
Jane, I cannot believe you're trying
to pull this bullshit on her.
It's like The Comeback all over again.
It's not.
This is not about you, Valerie.
AI is a real threat.
Not just to our jobs. To our souls.
Oh, my God. Okay. Let's go.
- Come with us, please.
- Alright, you heard him.
Oh.
Okay.
What?
Come on. Stop filming.
- Guys?
- No. No.
Your crew all signed. I checked.
Guess they need the work.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
- Wow.
- Ma'am, come on.
- Yeah, alright.
- Let's go.
Okay, that was unnecessary, Billy.
What? Are you kidding me?
Everything we worked for
is riding on this.
You asked me to step up as an EP.
I stepped up.
- Val?
- Yeah?
Ready to shoot the pre-tapes.
Thank you.
- Okay. Patrick, effects?
- Yeah.
Oh, okay. So, just so we're clear,
when we hear Valerie say,
"Where's the leak?",
release the water full.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay? If something's not right,
- I'll cut before that.
- Yep.
I only want to do this once,
so be on your game.
- Okay, quiet, everybody!
- "A" camera, take one.
- And roll sound.
- "B" camera, take one.
Val? Val?
- Huh?
- Look at this.
"Valerie Cherish sitcom
secretly being written by AI."
Did you do this?
Me? No, there's a leak!
- Oh!
- Oh! Oh!
I didn't say "action."
She said "leak." I heard her.
Oh, mother of God.
Look, look, look.
Angry writers are all over TikTok.
Here's another one.
I'm a comedy writer
that can't pay my mortgage.
- Thanks, Valerie Cherish.
- Well, thanks for that, Billy.
Fuck you, Valerie Cherish!
Are they all that angry?
Valerie Cherish doesn't care about people.
Only profit.
anyone standing up for me?
It's a lot of TV writers on social media
that each only have, like, 12 followers.
- Okay, yeah.
- Yeah, but it's catching fire.
Everybody's picking this up.
That is a nobody in TV!
Okay. Is NuNet saying anything?
Or Comspot? Or any of them?
- I've seen nothing from them.
- You know what, Billy?
Call your guy at NuNet,
the one you're sleeping with.
I'm not calling him.
He screamed at me at the GLAAD Awards.
Okay, well, God forbid
you should be embarrassed
when the entire world is tearing me apart!
- No, it's just Hollywood.
- Oh, "just Hollywood"?
Okay, yeah, that's good.
Just where I live and work.
It's an end-of-day dump, which is good.
By this time tomorrow,
the story will be dead.
Okay, yeah, it'll be dead. Like my career.
Hey, Valerie Cherish.
Okay, great.
Wait, how am I the bad guy?
I asked the network
for a writer three days ago!
You know what? I'm calling NuNet.
- Because I can't just sit here.
- Deadline!
- Gotta do something.
- It's on Deadline.
"On the AI-written sitcom, the actors
- Hello, hi, this is Valerie Cherish,
- calling for Arbor.
I don't know his last name.
How many Arbors are at NuNet?
The "I hate Valerie" dance is going viral.
- Okay.
- Oh, you found him? Alright, good.
- Thank you for the extra effort.
- Valerie Cherish,
- you are a corporate pawn.
- Okay, it's voicemail.
Four o'clock, and everyone's
already gone over there.
- This guy's calling her the devil.
- Yeah. Okay.
And I don't even know who the fuck she is.
Television?
Hi, Arbor, it's Valerie Cherish.
So the S has hit the F.
Writers are real angry.
Somebody open this.
Yeah, so, remember, wanted us
to hire that boy Evan, right?
- Hollywood Reporter.
- So we could, you know,
- have a leg to stand on here.
- "Valerie Cherish
- "not just a Traitor on TV.
- You know, but nobody called me back
- "She's a traitor for real this time.
- Picks AI over writers."
- Right? What do we do?
- Yeah.
- Maybe NuNet makes a statement.
- This on Deadline.
You know, saying that
- the WGA approved all this?
- "Valerie Cherish sitcom
- Okay, 'cause I was told
- that they did.
- You know, just realized you're Creative.
- Should have sent this to Marketing.
- to sign NDAs."
- Okay, doll, can you send
this whole message to Riddler?
- Alright, thanks.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- I eagerly await all of your responses.
Say no to the robot invasion
of our industry and boycott How's That?!
Well, the show premieres next week,
and they're boycotting it.
Never even seen it,
but they're boycotting it.
- Fucking Jane!
Motherfucking Jane! God, she works fast.
We don't know that
it was Jane, okay, Billy?
Oh, Val, it was Jane.
We don't know that.
You should never have
brought her on to this!
Hollywood hates me, Mark.
The story's everywhere.
It's even on CNN.
Writers are so mad.
I told you AI was the villain.
I knew this would happen.
This is just me talking
to your machine, so.
Don't worry. You know,
I just wish you were here.
Or near a cell tower.
It's just, you say such smart,
calming things,
you know, like, "These are writers.
They're always angry." You know?
"Probably won't spread to real people."
I just should stop looking at it.
Just shut it all off.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm just gonna shut it all off.
Okay, well, I hope that's what you'd say,
'cause it really helped.
It did, so thank you.
Okay.
Yeah.
AI has at long last found its way
into mainstream television,
and not just for special effects.
Has it crossed the line?
What's too far?
And then this from
Academy Award-winning director
Jane Benson, who has been
filming a documentary
about How's That?!
Yes, AI was being used.
But Valerie Cherish
was in no way responsible
for writers' jobs being taken away.
In fact, the entire time that I was there,
she did nothing but ask for writers
to be hired, over and over and over.
Not everyone feels that strongly
that Valerie Cherish
is an advocate for writers.
Of course. He's the leak.
That's Emmy Award-winning
television writer Paulie G.
on The Comeback,
her reality show in 2005.
While the Writers Guild of America
has not officially made a comment yet,
many of its 25,000 members
remain loud and very clear
- where their feelings are.
- You came home.
- I saw the news. I'm here.
and frustration
I'm here.
continues in Hollywood,
businesses across the country are bracing
- for more bad AI news on their own.
- That's enough of that.
Are we really surprised
a thirsty-ass has-been
has been eager to welcome
the evil robot overlord?
- Where's your phone?
- Don't know.
Fuck you!
- AI isn't writing, it's plagiarizing.
- Oh.
- Here it is.
- I hope she sees all these posts
and kills herself.
Are you hungry?
Come here. Come here.
We're okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah. I'm alright.