Mind Your Language (1977) s03e07 Episode Script

Oh Mr. Brown! Is this the jumble
for our school fete?
Yes, just a few things
my students brought in.
What are these?
Sikh underwear from Ranjit.
We can always ask the needlework
class to stitch up the flys
take a bit off the legs and put
them up as a pair of peddlepushers
Stories of Chairman Mao
No need to ask where
that came from.
- Danielle? - Max.
I beg your pardon!
He says he found it in his pocket
and has no idea how it got there.
Unlikely story.
Well, you better bring
this along to my office later.
We'll lock it up with the rest
of the stuff until Saturday.
Very well.
- By the way, we've
got one. - One what?
Don't you ever
read the notice board?
Obviously not.
There has been a notice on the board for
the past two weeks
to the effect that we are
hoping to get a celebrity
to open our school fete.
Yes, I remember
now. Who have we got?
Robert Dogul.
Remember, he used
to read the news?
I've got the art class making
stickers with his name on
to put across the posters.
Good evening, Mr.
Sevantis. How's your English?
Your English?
You're English, I'm Spanish.
Sorry I asked.
- Where are the others?
- Everybody is coming, pronto.
I come first to talk, how
you say? Ambre to ambre
- Man to man. - So right.
I meet a beautiful senorita.
I have met a beautiful girl.
Just like me. What's her name?
I haven't met anyone. I
was merely correcting
your English.
- Spanish. - What!
Sorry!
Well, I want to take
Rita, that's her name
for a weekend holiday. But
she lives with her mother
and she says maybe her mother will
not let her come away with me.
- What can I do? - Why
don't you ask her mother?
I don't want to go away
with her mother.
Ask Rita's mother if you can
go away with her on holiday.
You think she will say yes?
I have no idea. What
are your intentions?
About what?
I'll be blunt. Are you hoping
to get Rita into your room?
- No. - Good.
Not my room, her
room. I'll book one room.
In that case, I can't help you.
You'll just have to
make your own decision.
Excuse please.
- I'm buying you a cup of
tea. - Thank you, Ali.
I'm buying you a
chocolate biscuit.
Thank you, Ranjit.
Unfortunately, while I'm coming
from the canteen, I'm eating it.
Never mind, it's the
thought that counts.
- This is funny. - What is it?
This tea tastes like coffee.
Excuse please.
The tea is tasting like coffee.
Oh blimy! That is explaining it.
Explaining what?
All the time I'm in
the canteen
I'm thinking my coffee is
teasing like tea.
I don't think I'll
bother. Sit down everybody.
We've still got
a lot to do tonight.
Max would you put that
cigar out, please?
Sorry boss.
Before we go any further, I want to
talk to you about the school fete.
We're looking forward to it.
Have we got
someone famous to open it?
- Yes. Robert Dogul.
- Never heard of him.
I have see him
on television, Masterji.
Dogul, Florence, and Gemini.
No Jamila, that's a
doggy sort of Dogul.
This is Robert Dogul who used
to be a news reader.
- He's retired now.
- That's no good.
It's better we get
someone who's in the news now.
Like Angela Ripoff.
- Ripon. - Excuse me.
I am liking the other one
better, Annie Mini.
- Annie Mini? - She
reads news on ITV.
- Anna Ford? - Royal car.
Ms. Courtney should
have asked me.
What for? You're not famous.
No, but I'm a friend of
a big man on television.
Another one of
your fairy's tales.
It's true. He's a big star of
Celebrity Square Eyes.
- He's not Pub Monkey? - No.
- Willy Rushington? - No.
The Cockney man.
- Arthur Mala.
- Yeah, that's him.
- You know him well?
- Like a brother.
He'd have been very happy to
come and open the fete.
Well, it's too late now, we've
already got Mr. Dogul.
What I would really like to know is
what each one of you are doing
to help the fete
to raise money
as you know that whatever we
take goes to charity
so we obviously want to
make as much money as we can.
What we have thought
of will make a fortune.
Good. Tell me what
you are doing, Anna.
Jamila and me, we'll
bring some bathroom scales
and will charge
2p for one weigh.
Excellent idea. Ali,
what are you doing?
Ranjit and I are
having a very good game.
We are putting empty tins
on a piece of wood.
And only for 5p, you can throw
three balls to know them down.
- Are there any
prizes? - Oh yes please.
If you are knocking three
tins down
you are winning one pound.
You could lose money on that.
No, you are being mistaken.
Nobody is knocking
down even one tin.
Why not?
We are nailing the tins to
the piece of wood.
Very ingenuous.
What are you doing?
- I make plenty money with
Danielle. - Doing what?
- Selling kisses. -
Also, we have plenty fun.
How much are you selling
your kisses for?
5p, 10p, 15p.
- What's the difference?
- I'll show you.
For 5p, you kiss on one cheek.
For 10p you kiss on both cheeks.
And for 15p
I buy one of those 15p kisses.
I won't kiss you.
Not you, Danielle; you
stupid Spanish pile.
You no speak to me like
that, you macaroni face.
Don't fight you two. Sit
down and behave.
That means you too.
Max, what have you in
mind for Saturday?
I'll tell you.
- Boss asked me to tell
him. - We'll both tell him.
Okay.
- We got a great idea.
- We got a great idea.
- Jam jars. - Jam jars.
Jam jars?
- That's right.
- That's right.
You're beginning to
sound like an echo, Max.
Do you have to
repeat everything Givani says?
Sorry boss.
- First, we get the jam jars.
- First, we get the jam jars.
- Don't you
start! - Excuse me.
We'll put the jam
jars on the floor.
And people will try
to throw 10p into ourjar.
If they miss, we keep the 10p.
And if they get one
in, they win 5p.
- We can't lose. - Brain wave!
I don't think
you'll get many takers.
- Are you doing
anything? - Yes.
Mr. Brown, Ms. Courtney asked me
to remind you to take the jumble in.
Thank you, Sid. I'll
be here straight away.
I won't be a minute. In the
meantime turn to page 130
and study the chapter on
close analysis.
- Max, would you clean
the board? - Okay boss.
Oh no! How awful!
Are you sure? Oh dear!
Yes well, thank you very
much for telling me. Bye.
- Bad news? - Extremely.
Mr. Dogul has flu, he
is confined to bed.
Great! There goes our celebrity.
Now what are we going to do?
We've got no one to open the fete.
- Just a minute.
Max! - Max? The Greek?
But he's not a celebrity.
No, he reportedly knows Arthur Mala,
the TV chappie.
Oh yes, I think I know the one you mean.
Speaks a bit like Sydney.
That's him.
I suppose beggars can't
be choosers.
You think Mr. Papandreos
can get this Mr. Malad?
- Mala. - Mala, yes.
Max, I want a word with you.
I was telling Ms.
Courtney you now Arthur Mala.
Do you, or don't you?
Come on, speak up!
Max, how many times do I
have to tell you smoking is
Never mind about that
now, Mr. Brown.
You know Mr. Mala
really well, do you?
We are just like that. He'll
do anything for me.
And you say he'll
be happy to open our fete?
Sure.
- I think he's far too busy.
- For me, he'll drop anything.
Good.
Then you can ask him to
open our fete on Saturday.
Okay, I'll ask him to what?
Tell him to be
there by 12 O'clock.
We'll pay his expenses ofcourse.
Oh thank you, Mr.
Papandreos, you
have saved the day.
Now come along Mr. Brown
Hey, what's the matter with
you? You no look very happy.
I'm not very happy.
Oh blimy! I think he's
dropping clinker.
Fairy's tales, Max?
I did meet him once.
- When? - Two years ago.
I sat next to him on a bus.
Have you got the
news? They've got Arthur Mala.
Why, what's he done?
To the fete. He's
going to open the fete.
- Oh yeah? - I
think he's lovely.
He's going to be down the weekend
pushing down a pile of pennies.
Do you think I
can get his autograph?
If you think you
can speak a bit badder.
What's the matter with the way he
speaks? He speaks just like you.
He speaks nothing like
me. He's common.
- What are you going to
do, Max? - What about?
About your great celebrity
man that you do not know.
- Nothing. - You've
got to do something, Max.
Don't worry, I've
fixed everything.
After the class, I go to the pub
and telephone Ms. Courtney.
I'll tell her I just spoke to
my good friend, Arthur
and he'll be delighted to
come and open the fete.
Unfortunately, he's
already engaged.
Why don't you tell the truth?
I don't think he knows
what truth means.
You've all been studying
close analysis?
Good. Books away, please.
Ali, what is an
adverbial clause?
Oh blimy!
Anybody?
Then I suggest for
your homework
you all write down
the chapter on close analysis.
It's time to go now. See you
all at the fete on Saturday.
Max, when will you
know Arthur Mala?
I go to call him from pub now.
Max, use Ms. Courtney's phone,
I'm sure she won't mind.
Sorry boss much better I
call him from pub.
Will you let Ms. Courtney know
as soon as you've spoken to him?
- We'll be here for
a while. - Okay.
- Fits well?
- It's very nice, Sid.
- Joining for modeling, Sid?
- No, just trying the jacket.
Ms. Courtney said everything on
the row is for $5.
- Very reasonable.
- Can I pay you now
cause I won't be at the fete. That
day is chill out at the pub.
Why not? You can
have the first choice.
Well, here's my fiver.
I'll see Ms. Courtney
gets it later.
Are you going to be
at the fete, Gladys?
Oh, I wouldn't miss a
Mala for anything.
Steady now! We don't want to
knock it down before Sunday.
You won't let me do it.
- Are you ready for
another pint? - Yes.
I'll be back in a minute, I'm
going to the wash room.
- What will you
have? - Half a pint.
Two half pints, Miss.
And I'll have one pint.
I thought you couldn't
hear very well.
What?
He hears when he wants to.
Two halves, and a pint.
Hey, you better go and
phone Ms. Courtney.
Okay. Sid, you have Ms.
Courtney's number?
Yes. What do you want it for?
I've got to phone
her about Arthur Mala.
Oh him! Do I speak
like the way he does?
Yeah hey wait a
minute! I've got an idea!
Yes! Come over here.
- Bring the drinks,
Givani. - Okay buddies.
Will you make
me a favor, Shit?
What sort of
What sort of favour?
It's worth a quid.
- Who do you want knocked
off? - Nothing like that.
I want you to call up Ms. Courtney
and tell her you are Arthur Mala
and that you won't be able to
come to open the fete.
I thought you were supposed
to have fixed all that.
He's not fixed nothing. He
doesn't even know Arthur Mala.
You spoke too much?
Will you do it?
For a quid, I'll do anything.
Hello? Ms. Courtney?
Max Papandroes here.
I've got Mr. Mala to
speak with you.
Good evening Mr. Mala.
It's kind of you to open
our fete on Saturday.
Yes, that's what I
was phoning you about.
We can't pay you a fee, but we
will pay your expenses ofcourse.
Say fifty pounds?
- Fifty quid! - Cash.
Oh, that's lovely. What time
do you want me to be there?
- 2:30. - 2:30?
Alright, I'll see you there on
Saturday at 2:30. Chill out, love.
- What are you
doing! - Are you crazy?
She offered me
fifty quid in cash.
Wrong. She's offered
that to Arthur Mala.
Everyone thinks
I speak like him.
All I need is
to appear in disguise.
And a big pair of stilts.
It's not going to
work. You are a nobody.
Atleast I tried. Cheers.
I got to get back.
I'm up the
creek without a paddle.
You are up the
creek without even a boat.
- Santa Maria! -
What's the matter?
Without turning around, who does
the man at the bar remind you of?
How can I see
without turning around?
Just have a quick look.
No idea.
- Arthur Mala.
- Nothing like him.
Sure it is. I bet he
fool a lot of people.
Specially Ms. Courtney.
Hey, you might be right.
Come on.
- Excuse me. - Yes?
Has anyone ever told you,
you look like Arthur Mala?
- Arthur who? - Arthur
Mala. He's on television.
I'm never good at television.
Never mind.
What are you
doing Saturday afternoon?
Why?
We want you to
impersonate Arthur Mala.
- What for? - It's
just to open a fete.
- It's for a very good
cause. - Whatever!
- It's only for half a
hour. - And you'll be paid.
- How much?
- Two pounds fifty.
- Two pounds
fifty? - Not bad, eh?
Two pounds fifty for
only half an hour's work.
Very generous.
Is that the sort of
money this Arthur Mala gets?
Maybe he gets a bit
more. Three pounds maybe.
But you're just
impersonating him.
- You think I could do it?
- Sure. You look a bit like him.
- Just speak a bit
rougher. - Rougher?
- This Arthur Mala is
very rough. - Is he?
- He speaks just like
a slob. - A slob!
That's because he's thick.
- What! I'll tell you
something? - What's that?
I am Arthur Mala!
That's good!
He's getting into the part.
- Leo. - Yes Arthur?
Tell these two
blokes who I am.
Arthur Mala.
Holy Ravioli!
He really is Arthur Mala.
- Slob you call me?
- sHe didn't mean it.
Now I'll show you what I mean.
You idiot, ignorant, spaghetti
eating twit!
It's only my good nature that's stopping
me from punching you.
- Mr. Mala. - What?
Does that mean you won't be
coming to open our fete?
You must be joking.
Now look what you've
done. You and your big mouth!
My big mouth? What
about your big mouth?
- You started it.
- I'll tell you something?
Arthur is right. You are a
ignorant spaghetti eating twit.
Listen Shorty. You get up
off your knees and say that.
- Don't you speak to me like that.
- Don't you push me like that.
Push off!
Is it raining in
the office Mr. Brown?
No.
I'm just checking it. I'm
thinking of buying this.
You know that it is unlucky
to put up an umbrella indoors.
It's good I'm not superstitious.
- How's that? - Oh! Very nice.
You can take it and
hand them out.
I think it's time we
were all going home.
- Well that's
funny. - What is?
I don't seem to be
able to find my coat.
I'll have a
look. What sort is it?
It's a tweed with
fur on the cuffs.
- And fur on the
collar. - Yes.
- Oh dear! -
What's the matter?
I thought everything on this
row was for the jumble sale.
What have you done with my coat?
I sold it to Gladys
for five pounds.
- You've done what! - Don't
worry, I'll get it back.
- Sid, where's
Gladys? - She's gone.
- Oh great! Where does she
live? - 29, Kulmoor Terrace.
Wait a minute. She'll
be in the boozer.
Finished.
Good. Now you be more
careful next time.
- Here are your
drinks. - Cheers.
I should have to go.
Tata Leo! See you. Tata boys.
Hello Gladys Oh Gladys!
- Mr. Brown? - Where is it?
- Where's what?
- The coat you bought.
I need it back. It's
Ms. Courtney's.
The coat? Oh
well, I've sold it.
- Sold it? To whom?
- Leo, behind the bar.
Excuse me.
- Yes sir, what you
want? - A ladies coat.
This may come as a
shock to you, sir
but this is a pub,
not a boutique.
No, I mean the coat Gladys
sold you. I must have it back.
Bit kinky are you?
Pardon?
I've heard of fellas like you
dressing in women's clothes.
I don't wear it. It's
our school principal's.
I sold it to Gladys by mistake.
Oh alright,
I'll go and get it.
- Hello boss. - What
are you doing here?
It's a long story.
Here you are.
Thank you. And here's
your five pounds.
- Ten. - Pardon?
I bought it for ten.
- You want a drink, professor?
- sNo thanks, no time.
Got to get back this
coat to Ms. Courtney.
Hit the tin and win a pound.
Kiss a beautiful
girl for 5p, one kiss.
10p, two kiss.
15p
Taking the jumble stand?
Jolly good.
Be quick. You might sell a
few before the official opening.
- Hello boss. - Max!
Where's Arthur Mala?
Well, it's like this. I
maybe he's had an accident.
Tell him, Max.
Down in the basement, we
have a gymnasium.
Very nice.
Mr. Brown! This is Mr.
Brown, our English teacher.
How do you do?
- And you know Max,
ofcourse. - Yes.
Very good of you to come.
Well, it was for a good cause.
And I could not have let
Max down, could I?
I told you he was a
friend of mine.
Well come along now, it's
time we opened the fete.
Mr. Papandreos, if you
could be awfully kind
to get my coat. I think it's
hanging on the rail in the office.
Oh no!
Now what's the matter?
It doesn't matter. See
you at the fete.