On the Buses (1969) s03e07 Episode Script

APPLAUSE Hello,
mate.
I only just got here myself.
I can see that.
You're smoking my fags.
Yeah, well, I've run short, haven't I?
Yeah.
Go on, I'm starving.
Your mum's a bit behind her.
She hasn't laid a table even.
Yeah.
Hello, love.
Hello.
Just coming, mum.
No, I'm just going out.
Hey!
Olive's cooking you supper.
Olive?
Yeah, I've got something in the oven.
Have you?
What is it?
Well, it's not a bun, I can tell you that.
Arthur, I do not like that sort of talk.
Olive's making you one of her special stews.
You'll be all right with her.
Now, I really must go.
Er, do you like my scarf?
Yeah, it's all right.
Well, what is it?
Special bingo, is that it?
No.
I'm going out for a drink with a friend.
Oh, that Mrs Harper again.
No.
Gentleman friend.
Aye?
Yes.
You know, Mr Finkley, I met him at the Musclemen's Social.
Wilfred.
Oh, him, yeah.
Yeah, I think I know him, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, not that I know, but, er, I've heard he's a bit of a shark.
Aye?
He's a very nice class of person.
Olive, erm, I think I could do with a bit of your lipstick.
Here.
Is this kiss-proof?
Well, if it is, you're never likely to find out.
Here, mum.
You want to be careful what you're doing, you know.
I mean, let's face it, you haven't been out on the bloat for 25 years.
Never mind, love.
I've got a good memory.
I'll be back.
Well, it's like riding a bike, you never forget, do you?
Well, do I look all right?
Oh, fancy taking all that trouble at your age.
Well, just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean the fire's gone out.
Oh, blimey, mum's getting to be a bit of an old sexpot.
Yeah, well, I shouldn't let it bother you.
It doesn't run in the blood.
Right, what's for supper?
It's in the oven.
You lay the table, I'll get it.
Blimey, if anything's like last time, you don't even need a knife and fork,
mate.
You don't even need hammer and chisel at all.
And that was on it with the gravy.
What on earth is that?
That's meat stew.
And for afters, I've got one of my special suet puddings.
Oh, blimey.
You don't have to eat any more pudding if you don't want it.
I'll have some.
In fact, I'll have two portions.
Oh, will you, love?
Help keep this stew down.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Arthur.
I'm going to have a bit before and a bit after.
That way I'll trap it both ends.
Don't have any of my cooking if you don't like it.
Give me a sit here.
I've got to eat something, don't I?
God.
Oh, I hope that man don't lead Mum astray.
Don't be daft.
I've only gone down to Boots for a drink, haven't I?
I'll be back when the pub's closed.
Where do you think you're going?
I'm not going to take any shoes off creeping up the stairs.
We heard you come in.
Come into the kitchen.
We're having a word with you.
Come in the kitchen.
Right.
Now, what time do you call this?
Well, what's all the fuss about?
I told you I was going out with Wilfred.
You said for a quick drink.
The pub's closed at 11 o'clock.
Well, I went back to his place, didn't I?
No, you didn't.
Well, I'm a bit too old for sitting on the grass.
Look at the time.
Look at it, see it?
Ten to two.
You've got to swear it to death.
You could have phoned.
You could have given yourself a little consideration.
Oh, well, if that's your attitude, I'm going to bed.
Good night.
I need my sleep.
Oh, we need our sleep too, you know.
We've got to get up and go to work in the morning.
Can't stay in bed like you, you know.
And I'm staying in bed in the morning.
Because I'm going out again tomorrow night.
DOORBELL RINGS Hello, Stan.
Hello.
Hello, mate.
Hello, Oliver.
Are you getting the grab ready?
Yeah, I've got some of the stew left from last night.
Yeah.
That's it.
That's what I thought.
That's why I bought these fish and chips for us.
Hallelujah.
You are rude.
I spent all afternoon making a special custard to go with your pudding.
Yeah, well, never mind about that.
You bung them in the oven, warm them up.
Is Mum gone out yet?
No, she went out shopping this morning.
She's been three hours getting ready ever since.
Oh, yeah.
Has she made my bed?
She hasn't even made her own.
What have you got on there?
What have you got, Blimey?
Is that short?
I can see your vest.
What have you done to your ear?
You've dyed it.
No, I haven't.
It's a wig.
It's what they call a fun wig.
Blimey.
Fancy you kind of fool things like that.
Fancy wasting your money.
I've got it with green stamps.
Well, doesn't it suit me?
Yeah, it's all right, I suppose.
Only Wilfred said he liked blondes.
He'll be here in a minute.
Oh, I haven't got my mascara on.
I'd better put a bit of this on, haven't I?
Oh, Blimey, I can't see without my glasses.
How in the ugly do you put mascara on with your glasses on?
How does Olive manage?
She does it.
That's why she walks around with two black ear rolls.
Oh, oh, the bell.
He's here.
Oh, dear.
I'm not ready.
Oh, my goodness.
I'll just put a bit of perfume on.
That's all right.
That'll be all right.
Oh, look at the state of this place, Olive.
You might have tidied it up.
Here, is me wig on all right?
Oh, Blimey.
Yeah, look at this ashtray.
Olive, get rid of this.
There's a good girl.
Oh, all right.
I hope it doesn't move.
For God's sake, don't sneeze, anybody.
Oh, the bell.
I'll get it.
I can't wait to meet Romeo.
Oh, oh, me pension book.
Oh, well, you needn't have seen that.
Mum, for God's sake, stop fussing.
Oh, love, look at your tie.
Oh, it's all crooked.
And look at your hair.
Leave me alone, will you?
Oh, my boy, you look nice, darling.
Do you, darling?
Yes.
All right, then.
I'll put a bit of scent behind the ear roll.
I'll put a little bit of mascara on, if you like.
Don't you talk to me like that.
You're not too old to get a good clip around the ears.
Blimey, he's here.
Oh, hello, Willoughby.
Oh, I must look a frightful mess.
I haven't really had time to get ready.
Of course.
Hello, mate.
We love you.
You look wonderful.
I like the way you've done your hair.
It must have taken you hours.
Oh, no.
You know my son, Stan?
Of course.
Hello, mate.
Hello.
Funny thing, you know, I've been 30 years on the buses and I've never been a
conductor on Stan's bus.
Oh.
You don't know how lucky you've been.
You're my son-in-law, Arthur.
How do you do?
Hello.
And my little girl, Ollie.
Hello, love.
Well, you know what they say, a pretty mum has a pretty daughter.
Oh.
Oh.
Mum's told us all about you.
Hasn't she, Arthur?
I'm standing over here, you great lump.
Get your glassy back on.
Blair, Bucktoy, I brought you a little something.
I see you.
You said you liked hard centres.
Oh, yes, they're my favourites.
God blimey, hard centres.
Let's hope she's got her second set of false teeth with her.
Well, come on then, ma'am, sir.
We'll have a quick drink in the pub.
Oh, yes.
Well, don't wait up for me, will you?
Bye-bye, children.
Have a nice time.
Yes.
Come on, Dad.
Bye-bye, children.
It's a wonder she didn't want to tuck me in bed with me teddy bear.
Oh, I think he's quite nice.
Fancy saying mum had a pretty daughter.
He's got something, has Wilf.
Yeah, same as you, bad eyesight.
Yeah, what's that smell?
Oh, oh, the fish and chips.
What?
Oh!
Oh!
Dad!
The fish and chips are on fire!
You great stupid idiot!
Fancy putting me down without taking the newspaper off.
We're together for another, Mum!
Well, that's it, isn't it?
That's the fish and chips gone.
Thank God you made some custard.
I've got news for you, mate.
She used the custard to put out the fish and chips.
God, blimey, she's murdering it, eh?
Fancy having to do our own work.
This house is not worth living in since Mum went potty over that ponce.
I notice you let me do the difficult part.
What are you talking about?
I did the washing.
It took me two hours to get your blue shirts clean.
You must have been cleaning your shoes with them or something.
Blue shirts?
What blue shirts?
These blue shirts you've just ironed.
They're not mine, mate.
They must be yours.
They're not mine.
You know I haven't got any blue shirts.
They've got your monogram on here.
W-P.
W-P?
Blimey, we've been laundering his shirts.
Oi!
Well, how'd they get here?
How'd they get mixed up with our washing?
How the hell do I know?
Mum must have brought them up with you, I suppose.
God, blimey, no wonder he's laughing his head off.
Look at him.
Oh, God, now I've pooped the cotton out again.
This yard's too big for collars.
Argh!
What's the matter with you?
Why don't you get Olive to do it before you injure yourself or something?
You're quite right, mate.
This is not man's work.
Olive!
Olive!
Where's your mum this afternoon?
Why isn't she doing the ironing?
Gone to the pictures with him, hasn't she?
Here, why haven't you done the ironing?
What have you been doing all day?
I've been all day doing upstairs.
Don't talk when I went up there.
Our bed's not even made.
I did make it, Arthur.
But I was so tired when I finished, I had to have a night out.
I can't see the thread in this needle.
Yeah, use me glasses.
Right.
God, blimey!
Can you see the hole?
See the hole?
I can't even see the needle!
Take them off!
Oh, there's the front door!
Mum, is that you?
Yes, Mum.
What have you got on there?
Dad's old army greatcoat?
No, it's me new maxi.
It's a present Wilfred thought would suit me.
Didn't we say he'd bought it for you?
No, it's a present to meself.
Well, thank God, Jerome, it could do with some decent grub.
Yeah, and there's a pile of ironing.
Oh, I've only popped in for a minute, I'm going out again.
Wilfred's here.
Where's the ironing?
Underneath the coat?
No, it's cavalry style.
Do you like it?
Yeah, there's room for the horse under there and all.
Well, I did take it up a bit, I thought it was a bit on the long side.
Yeah, you frightened of tripping over?
No, love, I was afraid it wouldn't show me new boots.
May I present it to yourself too?
Yes, but it was Wilfred's idea.
Was it really?
Yes.
It's a pity you didn't get them longer, innit?
Well, how do you mean?
Then you could have tucked your drawers in them.
Wilfred, come and say hello to the children.
Oh yeah, don't bring him in here yet, I haven't got my teddy bear out.
Well, how's the happy family?
We've had a lovely day's shopping, haven't we, Wilfred?
Oh, we have, yes.
Why, you treasure.
You've done my shirt.
And beautifully ironed.
Oh, that deserves a kiss.
I did a
I did a
I wouldn't own up to that, mate, in case he comes over and slobbers all over
you.
I'm very grateful for you doing my shirts.
You don't know what a difference it makes to me.
I mean, well, I lost my wife a couple of years ago.
Well, it's very difficult for a man to manage in the house.
We know, we're doing it.
Yeah, but you don't know what life would be like without your wife.
I've often thought about it.
You've got a very nice place here, Mabs, you know.
Oh, yes.
Little garden.
Yes.
Yeah, nice little garden.
Did you say you've got three bedrooms?
Yes, I've had this house for 30 years.
All paid for.
Is it really?
You know, you could do very well for yourself here, you know.
You could let off a couple of those rooms at a fiver each.
And by the time you get your old age pension, not that you'll be needing that
for a long while yet, my love, you could live very comfortable.
Ah, but I couldn't do that, love.
I've got all the family living here.
Yeah, well, they won't be here for long.
I mean, Arthur and Olive, they'll be starting a family any time.
We've been married nine years, mate.
All she's produced so far are chill planes.
Well, you want to take one of those fertility pills.
You can have five in one go.
Oh, no.
I don't want to have babies by taking pills.
I want my husband to have something to do with it.
You don't only take the pills, you know.
Well, come on, then, Mabs.
If we're going to bingo, we'd better get going.
Oh, yes, I was forgetting, of course.
Just a minute.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm just getting a bit of money, dear.
Here.
That's the housekeeping, isn't it?
Yes, well, Wilfred came out without his wallet.
You were in such a hurry, weren't you, dear?
Yes.
Well, I knew I was meeting you.
God done it, mate.
You're sick.
Mum, what's all them envelopes?
Oh, I don't know, love.
They came through the post.
They haven't had time to look at them.
I haven't had a minute.
Well, there you are, dear.
Well, now we must be going.
Well, you can manage, can't you, children?
Oh, don't worry about them.
They'll have to get used to managing.
Yes.
Yes, well, come on, then, love.
Well, let's go out the back way.
Yes, I want to have a look at the garden.
Oh, yes, it's lovely out here.
Well, bye-bye.
God blimey!
Did you see that?
Eh?
Did you see the way he was casing the joint?
I ain't counting out the lolly he was.
God blimey!
I told you he was a con man, didn't I?
The way he's got Marsha, you don't know whether she's coming or going.
He does.
If he has his way, we'll be going and he'll be coming.
Hey, Stan.
This is a final demand for the gas bill.
Mum hasn't bothered to pay it.
Aye?
When's the last day?
Today.
They'll be coming to cut it off tomorrow.
God blimey, give me this here.
My bus passes this tomorrow morning.
I'll nip in and pay it.
What do you think you're doing?
It's a parking metre, mate.
Not a bus stop.
Look, I've got to pay the gas bill.
Pay the gas bill?
It won't be a second.
I've got the money ready.
Go!
Where will I pay the gas bill?
On the first floor, sir.
There's a lift just going up.
Right, thanks.
Look, he'll only be a few seconds.
He said that five minutes ago.
This metre says penalty.
Well, we only just got here.
That's what they all say.
You say that to the magistrate.
Where the hell have you been?
I got stuck in that lift.
I went up and down about 20 times.
We've had a woman traffic warden after us.
Don't tell me she gave you a ticket.
No, she gave us two.
One at each end.
I can't stop, I've got to nip up and do some housework.
Yeah, well that'll have to wait.
Butler!
Blimey, she must have picked up Rose's tickets.
Yeah, you should have done like James Bond and swallowed them.
This young lady has very kindly brought these to my attention.
Thank you very much miss, you've made my day for me.
Butler, in all my 20 years on the buses, I've never yet heard of a bus getting
a parking ticket and you have to go out and get two at once.
Yeah, well you know Stan, he always starts on a double.
Twit.
I know you're dawdling along the road mate, I never know you went slow enough
to get a parking ticket.
What happened for God's sake, how did you manage to park the bus, what are you
doing?
Well, I did er, call of nature.
What?
Well you had no right to go in that one in the gas company office anyway.
Hang about it, shop steward, I'm here to tell you it's the entirely usual
convenience.
It's a very long route we're on, three quarters of an hour to the cemetery
gates.
Three quarters of an hour?
What, you've got a weak bladder then have you?
I'm sorry butler, I have to take this into general management this time.
Now Flaky, give us a break, do us a willy a favour, look, I'll tell you the
truth, I had to go in the gas company to pay the bill, otherwise they were
going to cut me gas off.
I don't care what you have cut off mate, you're supposed to be running buses.
Look, the old lady does it as a rule, but she's gone potty lately, she's gone
crazy over some bloke.
Wouldn't surprise me if she got married again.
Got married?
Yeah.
Your mother?
You'll have a new daddy, won't you?
Shut up.
You better not be a naughty boy in future mate, your new daddy will be patting
you across his knee, won't he?
Here, while you're at it, you go and see your new daddy and ask him for an
advance on your pocket money will you, to pay your parking fines.
Who is the lucky fellow anyway?
He must be a very brave man if he takes on a woman with a son like you, I must
say.
I spoke from this depot, old Wilf on the number nines.
Wilfred Phillips?
Yeah, that's him, yeah.
Well I hope he's got his wife's permission to get married.
Wife?
He ain't got a wife.
Well he better have had one mate, he's been claiming for her on his income tax,
I know, I have to check the code number.
He's been married for 20 years to my knowledge, of course he's not living with
her, I know, but
What a two time interesting
I told Arthur he was after our house.
Here's another thing, listen, if he's already married he can't marry her.
Wouldn't know about that mate, we've got fellows here who've got four wives.
Yeah?
Mind you, they're all Muslims.
Four wives, eh?
What a lovely job, full employment and guaranteed overtime.
Go on, wait till I get home and tell them, eh mate?
Blakey, I'll forgive you anything.
It's alright.
Mind you, I don't know how the old lady's going to take it.
Well, I suppose you'd better fork out for those fines.
No, that's alright son, you don't have to pay me, no.
What do you mean, the company's going to pay him?
No, I mean the company will stop it out of your wages on Friday.
Well, of course I always knew he was a rogue.
Well, it's your own fault, me old darling, isn't it?
Why'd you go out with him?
Well, love, when you haven't been out with anyone for 20 years, you can't be
very choosy.
And you can't even be careful.
And he was ever so generous, Stan.
If ever I saw anything in a shop I loved, he said I could buy it.
Did he?
Yes.
Here Arthur, how do I look in mum's coat?
Like an elephant on stilts.
You're not wearing that if you want to stay married to me.
Why not?
It's very nice in winter.
Better in summer, you stick a pole in it, we all go camping.
Get it off.
No, no, no, no.
I'll tell you what you want to do, love.
Look, you want to put a bit of fur around the bottom, then you can sweep the
floor up as you walk in and out.
Well, that'll be a change anyway.
I shall have to take it up a bit because it covers all me ankles.
Oh, I shouldn't do that, that's the best part of it.
Oh, Stan, you know that Wilf was a terrible liar?
Was he?
Yes.
He said that coat suited me, and I fell for it.
You don't have to worry, love.
I did his washing.
I did his ironing.
Oh, well, at least he did one good thing for me.
Now I know you can do it, I won't have to work so hard in future.
Now, when I was thinking, he did say I could let a couple of the rooms for five
pounds each.
So I think you could give me a bit more on the housekeeping.
Oh, you'll be lucky.
Well, you could always leave.
I'm not too old to live in sin.
Get out of here.
Bravo, bravo.