The Brady Bunch (1969) s03e07 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Hey, mom!
Mom, guess what happened!
Guess what!
Mom!
Mom, you'll never guess! Mom!
We're in the school play!
We made it!
We're in the school play,
Romeo and Juliet.
Well, that's terrific.
What parts did you get?
We're palace guards.
I say, "Hark!"
I say, "Who goes there?"
Hey, they know their lines already.
Listen, how did Marcia do?
PETER: She tried out
for the part of the nurse.
And she was great.
But Miss Goodwin hasn't made up
her mind about the big parts yet.
I hope Marcia gets to be the nurse.
Then we'll all be in the play.
How about that?
First the Barrymores
and now, the Bradys.
( Phone rings )
Oh, I'll get it, Alice.
Hello.
Oh, hello, Miss Goodwin.
Yes, Peter and Jan
were just telling me the good news.
You have?
Oh, yes, well, I think Harold Axelrod
will make a great Romeo.
Marcia?
Really?
Well, of course I'll tell her,
Miss Goodwin.
Oh, thank you so much for calling.
Good-bye.
What about Marcia?
She got the part of Juliet!
Juliet?
Wow!
She didn't even try out for that part.
That's the starring role.
Marcia? Marcia, come here, quick.
Isn't this a wonderful surprise?
She'll be thrilled
right out of her sneakers.
What is it?
What's all the excitement?
Marcia, Miss Goodwin just called.
You got the part of Juliet.
Juliet?
But I tried out for the nurse.
But you got the starring part!
Isn't that marvelous?
I think it's awful.
( Knock at door )
Come in.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
I heard you got the part of Juliet.
I also heard you don't want it.
That's right.
Mind if I ask why?
I just don't think I should
play the part, that's all.
Oh, why?
I didn't even try out for that part.
But the important thing is, Marcia,
that Miss Goodwin thinks
you're the best one for it.
And I know why.
Because you're the chairman
of the play committee.
Look, Marcia,
I volunteered to be the chairman
because I wanted your school
to present a good play.
I didn't want to help you get a good part.
Marcia, Miss Goodwin
isn't going to miscast
the leading role in the play,
just to please your mother.
Then why would she give me the part?
Juliet's supposed
to be beautiful and noble
and I'm not anything like that.
Marcia, that's nonsense.
You're a beautiful girl
and, besides, you're a very good actress.
You have to say that.
You're my mother.
( Sighs )
I say it and I'm not your mother.
Come on.
You look beautiful and noble to me.
The trouble is you don't think you are.
That's right.
It's your belief in yourself
that counts, you know.
You are what you think you are.
You mean if I think
I'm beautiful and noble,
then I will be beautiful and noble?
That's right, if you believe it,
everybody else will believe it, too.
Think about it, Marcia.
You can give your answer to
Miss Goodwin in the morning.
Okay?
Marcia Brady, you're noble and beautiful.
( Sighs )
Baloney.
Alice, did you ever do any acting
when you were in school?
Did I ever do any acting?
I'll have you know
I played the title role
in our senior class play.
Critics said it was the
most unusual performance
of the part they'd ever seen.
Really? What part was it?
Julius Caesar.
It was an all-girls school.
That's like an all-boys school
doing Little Women. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, it was a lot of fun, though.
You know, Marcia's going
to be missing an awful lot
if she's not in the school play.
I don't get what her problem is.
She'd make a great Juliet.
Well, I know exactly what her problem is.
GREG: What?
ALICE: It's psychological.
It's a mental block
caused by her lack of
confidence in herself.
Wow, that's really deep.
How did you figure that out?
Your mom and dad told me.
( Chuckling )
I just don't get it.
I mean, Marcia is really
a very groovy girl.
You know she's groovy,
I know she's groovy,
but she doesn't know she's groovy.
It's weird you can't
see yourself as others see you.
I know one way that
might open her eyes.
What?
A few words from your mouth to her ear.
ALICE: Now, if you
tell her what you think,
she might begin to believe it herself.
I'm not through yet.
Well?
You sure look pretty, Marcia.
And groovy, too.
They're out of their minds.
Marcia, can we have a little help?
We're having trouble
with our lines for the play.
Sure. What's the problem?
Well, Peter's got
"Hark" down pretty good,
but I'm having trouble with my line.
Well, let's hear you say it.
Well, that's just it.
I don't know quite how to say it.
Should I say, "Who goes there?"
Or, "Who goes there?"
Or, "Who goes there?"
See what I mean?
Just say it plain, "Who goes there?"
Hey, that's it!
Oh, gee, thanks, Marcia.
You're a terrific actress.
Yeah. Come on, let's practice
before we forget how she said it.
Yeah, okay. Hark!
Who goes there?
Is that right? Yeah.
Oh, gee, thanks.
You're a terrific actress.
"Terrific actress"?
You got a minute, Marcia?
Sure. What do you want?
Do you know a guy
by the name of, uh, Lloyd Leeds?
No. I don't think so.
Well, he sure knows you.
He does?
Yeah. He's in my English class.
He wants to meet you.
Me? Why?
Well, obviously he thinks
you're a really groovy chick.
A high school boy
really thinks I'm groovy?
A lot of people think you're groovy.
Honest?
I even think you're groovy
for a sister, that is.
Thanks, Greg.
( Door closing )
GREG: Come on,
Marcia, don't play it so cool.
You know you're something else.
JAN: You're a terrific actress.
BOBBY: You sure look pretty, Marcia.
MIKE: You look
beautiful and noble to me.
CAROL: You're a beautiful girl.
Good morning.
Oh, good morning, honey.
It's a beautiful day, isn't it?
Lovely.
Mom, I've been doing a lot of thinking
since last night.
And?
Well, I never thought I was a Juliet type,
but everybody else seems to think I am.
Well, you are.
Right. "A rose by any other name"
Still costs ten bucks a dozen.
I think I can do it.
I'm going to be Juliet.
Oh, Marcia, I'm so glad,
and your father's gonna be so happy.
You know, he said,
"You are what you think you are."
So, from now on, I'm beautiful and noble.
I'm Juliet.
Wow what was that?
That was the power of positive thinking.
Hark!
Who goes there?
Well, what do you think?
Not bad, I guess.
I think we should do it meaner.
Yeah, let's do it again, only meaner.
Hark!
Who goes there?
'Tis I, your father.
I bring secret documents
to the Brady house.
How'd we sound, Dad?
Were we fierce enough?
Gosh, I thought for sure
I was a goner there.
Where's your mama?
She's in the kitchen.
Okay, troops, carry on the good work.
Hark! Who goes there?
HAROLD: I'll watch her place of stand
Hi, honey. Shh! Shh!
I'm home from work early, but
we don't have to keep it a secret.
Good, good, good.
Why are we whispering?
Because Marcia and Harold Axelrod
are rehearsing their lines.
Who's Harold Axelrod?
Romeo.
Oh, he is?
HAROLD: My lips, two blushing pilgrims,
ready stand to smooth that rough
touch with a tender kiss.
Saints have hands that
pilgrims hands do touch,
And palm to palm
Romeo wears glasses?
Thus from my lips, by thine
my sin is purged.
It says you're supposed to kiss Juliet.
Uh
I've, I've got to go now, Marcia,
but thanks a lot. You were super.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
That I shall say good
night till it be morrow.
You're really great.
I am?
Yeah, you really are Juliet.
You are Juliet.
You're noble and beautiful.
BOBBY: You're also
hogging the bathroom.
( Pounding on door )
PETER: Come on, Marcia, are
you going to stay in there all night?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's all the noise?!
Juliet won't let us in.
She thinks it's her private bath.
Oh, it's getting worse and worse
since we told her she
was noble and beautiful.
Hey, come on, Marcia, some of
us peasants want to get in here.
Greg, I agree.
That you're hogging the bathroom?
No. That you're peasants!
I need more closet space, children.
You got that one wrong, Cindy.
Oh.
Marcia, what are you doing
to my dresses?
They're all smushed up.
Yeah, and they're even smushier.
There's no such word as "smush."
Besides, my dresses have
to look perfect.
What is so special about your dresses?
Everywhere I go at school,
people are always looking at me.
I'm Juliet.
Well, I'm in the play, too, you know.
One line.
It's different with me.
I'm a star.
Well, la-de-da.
What does that mean?
It means that Marcia's getting
to be a pain in the neck.
Oh, well, la-de-da.
You're not going to go around
messing up my dresses, Marcia.
My dresses have to look perfect!
( Yelling over each other )
Hey, hey, what's going on in here?
Hey! Girls!
What's all the commotion about?
Marcia's trying to hog up the closet.
And not only that,
we can't even talk around here.
We have to be quiet
so that the star can study her lines.
I am a star.
I don't care. Don't touch my dresses.
She's a better actor than you are.
CAROL: Girls, girls
you're supposed to be
loving sisters, remember?
I can't help it
if I have to practice my lines.
MARCIA: Everybody
wanted me to be in the play.
Ah, that's right, Marcia, we did, but
But you are not the first
lady of the American theater.
Now listen, girls, being a
lead in a play is a strain.
MIKE: Can't you cooperate with Marcia?
Now, come on, behave, okay?
I think I'd better rehearse my lines now.
You and Cindy study in the family room.
I just thought I'd tell you
not to breathe too loud.
Her majesty's rehearsing her lines.
Oh, no, she's really getting
to be too much.
Yeah, we can't even get in the bathroom
till 3:00 in the morning.
PETER: It sure was
a swell idea, convincing Marcia
how great she was.
Yeah, what have we done?
I'll tell you what we've done:
We've created
a small, blonde Frankenstein.
Yeah, my sister, the monster.
( laughing )
Oh, well, the school really
appreciates it, Mr. Schultz.
Mm-hmm. Uh, well, let's see,
your ad will appear
on page three in the play program.
Yes.
Romeo and Juliet.
Well, thank you very much.
We really appreciate it, Mr. Schultz. Bye.
Well, that's another ad
for the play program
from Schultz's Delicatessen.
Ha! What a combination
Shakespeare and salami.
Mom, where's Marcia?
She's supposed to help me
clean out the garage.
Well, I think she's upstairs in her room.
Why don't you go up and remind her?
Hark! Who goes there?
( laughing )
Hark! What was that?
( Both laughing )
Are you brushing your hair again?
I have to brush it a hundred
times, three times a day.
That's what keeps it beautiful.
You're going to brush it
right off your head.
Is that what you came in to tell me?
No, I want to remind you about
your share of work around here.
Me? Yeah, you.
You're supposed to help
me clean out the garage.
Do I have to remind you
that I'm the star of our school play?
Juliet wouldn't do such menial labor.
Oh, boy.
Marcia, your head's gotten so big,
I don't even think there's room
for both of us in the same garage.
Oh, Romeo, Romeo
wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name.
Or if thou wilt not,
Be but sworn my love.
And I will no longer be a Capulet.
Shall I hear more, or
shall I speak at this?
( Jan giggling )
It's a wonder she lets him speak at all.
Ignore them, Harold.
'Tis but thy name that is mine enemy.
"'Tis but thy name that is mine enemy."
These kids don't have
any regard for Shakespeare.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
And you two stay out of here, too.
We need to rehearse alone.
Okay, um, let's take it
from "Is it thy hand"
Is it thy hand, thy foot, thy arm, thy face?
I take thee at thy word.
Call me but love
No. Say it like this.
( Passionately ): Call me but love.
Well, okay.
Call me but love, and I'll
No, Harold, that's not
the way I said to do it.
Well, Marcia, don't you think it's better
if you do your part your way
and let me do mine my way?
Not if it's going to ruin the play.
Gee, I don't think I'm ruining the play.
You will if you do Romeo like that.
Where are you going?
You're acting like a child
and I refuse to rehearse with a child.
I'm going to be 15.
That's the same age
as the real Romeo was.
He was mature.
I need to rehearse with a mature Romeo.
( Sighs )
Oh, Romeo, Romeo
wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Deny thy father and forget his name.
Uh-uh. Deny thy father
and refuse thy name.
Deny thy father and refuse thy name
or if not, I will forget that I am a Capulet.
( Chuckling ) Wait a minute, honey.
I think you're forgetting more
than being a Capulet here.
The line is, Marcia: "Or if thou
wilt not, be but sworn my love
and I will no longer"
What's the difference?
Well, you're changing
a lot of words here, Marcia.
I just don't feel right
saying them the other way.
But if you change the words,
you also change the meaning.
I have to say them word for word?
Well, I think it'd be a little difficult
to improve on Shakespeare. Don't you?
But what's more important
than the feeling and instinct
of an actress?
Oh, honey, even the greatest
actress in the world
doesn't change Shakespeare.
Well, I'm going to.
MIKE: Now, wait a second, Marcia.
You're being a little silly about this.
I think you're getting carried away.
Well, you don't understand about acting.
And Harold doesn't, either.
That's why I refused
to rehearse with him.
Is that why he left so early?
I wish he'd leave the play.
We can use a new Romeo.
Well, I guess I've had
enough rehearsal for tonight.
Boy, if you can judge an actress
by her temperament,
I think she's just about
ready for an Oscar.
First, the part's a little too big for her,
and now I think maybe she's
a little bit too big for the part.
All right, children, places, please.
Now, when I say "curtain,"
all the guests will come on.
All right?
Ready and curtain.
Please, Juliet, move not.
While my prayer's effect I take.
Thus from my lips, by thine
my sin is purged.
Harold, you're so clumsy!
I can't help it.
My mask's in the way.
TEACHER: Harold, do
you think you could do
the scene without your glasses?
If I do, Miss Goodwin,
I don't think I'll ever find Juliet.
Well, let's try it anyway.
Here.
All right, Harold, let's go
back to "Have not saints"
Have not saints lips
and holy Palmers, too?
Aye, pilgrim.
Lips that they must use in prayer.
Where'd she go?
Marcia, what are you doing up there?
We didn't stage it that way.
I just felt like moving.
We've staged this play
very carefully, Marcia.
Now, it's not fair to the others
to do something unexpected.
Miss Goodwin, I'm only trying
to improve the play.
Is it wrong to try to improve it?
Well, get down from there anyway.
( Sighs )
And Harold uh, Harold
now, go back again
to "Have not saints lips"
"Have not saints lips"
Have not saints lips
and holy Palmers, too?
Oh, there you are.
Saints do not move,
though grant for prayer's sake.
Oh, you skipped a line, Marcia.
I'm sorry, Miss Goodwin,
but with all these distractions,
it's hard to concentrate.
What did I do now, Marcia?
If you could keep your voice
from squeaking,
it would be a help.
I quit squeaking last year.
MISS GOODWIN: All right, children.
Marcia, I don't think
you should blame Harold
for your own mistake.
Yes, Miss Goodwin.
That's enough for today.
We'll have another dress
rehearsal tomorrow, same time.
Miss Goodwin?
Oh, hello, Mrs. Brady.
I didn't know you were here.
Well, I dropped by to show you
the final layout for the program,
but I can see you have
a much bigger problem.
I'm afraid so.
Well, my husband and I have
tried to reason with Marcia, but
Oh, she could do the part
just fine if only she just
If only she didn't think
she was junior high's answer
to Sarah Bernhardt, right?
And we don't have much time.
There are only a few more
rehearsals before the play goes on.
Well, I think we have to do
something about it, Miss Goodwin.
Let's hope it's the right thing.
Marcia?
Yes, mother?
I, uh, sent the final program
to the printer's this afternoon.
I wish Harold's name wasn't in it.
He was awful at rehearsal today.
Well, Marcia, I'm afraid
that your name's not going to be in it.
What do you mean?
( Sighs )
I was at the rehearsal this afternoon.
You were?
Afterwards, Miss Goodwin and I talked
and well
we decided that for the good of the play
and your own good
she would have to replace you.
Replace me?
Yes your understudy's
going to play Juliet.
Tina? But I'm better than her.
Marcia, it has nothing to do
with your being better than she is.
It's your attitude.
What do you mean my attitude?
Well, you've become rude
to your friends and your family.
You've become impossible to live with.
Mom, you're being unfair.
Marcia, I'm not blaming you.
It's not all your fault.
We encouraged you, but
Well, you've let it go to your head.
You don't understand, Mom!
Marcia, I do understand,
but you've brought all of this on yourself.
I'm sorry.
Mom!
Yeah, that's going to do it.
Thanks, Alice.
Now, listen, you kids hang these
up carefully, you hear?
Okay, we will. Thanks, mom.
Thanks for fixing them.
Okay. Hark!
Who goes there?
Hark! Who goes there?
Marcia change her mind
about some food?
No, dear.
And I can't blame her
for not being hungry.
( Phone rings )
Hello? Yes?
Yes, just a second.
Honey, it's for you. It's Miss Goodwin.
( Sighs )
I hope she's got some good news.
We could sure use some around here.
Hello, Miss Goodwin.
Oh, that's a shame.
Gee, I'm sorry, but I've already sent
the program to the printer's.
If I think of someone,
I'll call you right away. Sure.
Bye.
Lady Capulet has the mumps.
She can't play the part.
I hope she doesn't give it
to the whole town of Verona.
Well, if she does,
it'll be the lumpiest cast in history.
Well, I just hope it isn't too late
to get someone else for the part.
MARCIA: Mom?
Do you think they'd let me do it?
I'll learn the lines real fast
word for word
and I won't cause any trouble.
I promise.
Well, it's it's a very small part.
It's not very glamorous.
You'd be playing the
part of Juliet's mother.
That's okay.
Welcome back to the play, honey.
Well, let's hear it for Lady Capulet.
( All chattering excitedly )
CAROL: Hey, listen, kids, it's getting late.
Everybody upstairs.
Come on, it's time for bed.
Come on.
Oh, boy, I really enjoyed that.
I was so proud, I tell you.
Romeo and Juliet's such a sad play.
Yeah. It's no musical comedy.
Alice, which part
did you think was the saddest?
Well, the part where Romeo died is sad.
The part where Juliet died is sad, too.
( Sighs )
But I think the saddest part of all
was when Jan said, "Who goes there?"
Before Peter said "Hark."
Oh, you old softy.
Good night, Alice. Good night.
See you in the morning.