The Comeback (2005) s03e07 Episode Script

Hi, Billy.
Well, text me when you're close,
and I'll come down. Okay.
Not possible. Off.
No more shoe shopping on TikTok.
- Oh, fuck!
- Ah!
Oh, God, you scared me.
I thought you'd left.
No, I gotta change my shoes.
These heels are not like
walking in sneakers.
- I have to tell you.
- Yeah, uh-huh?
Well, I didn't want to
bring it up last night
you're gonna see it now.
See what?
I got a tattoo at Burning Man.
Oh. Yeah, what'd you get?
A little marijuana leaf on your ankle?
Now, I don't know how
you're gonna feel about this,
but it's something
I feel very strongly about.
You're making a big deal
Mark!
You'll never be able to go swimming again.
I can, if I own what it says.
Turn around. What does it say?
- "Anywhere else."
- Okay.
So, you, what,
- didn't wanna be at Burning Man that bad?
- No.
I don't want to be here that bad.
I'm not happy.
You're leaving me.
Yes, I'm leaving you
and announced it with a tattoo.
It says "anywhere else,"
not "anyone else."
Okay. Alright.
But Mark, look, it's just, I am here,
and you don't wanna be here.
Not here.
Here.
Oh, right. Okay.
Yeah, gotta get out of your head.
- No, please don't put words in my mouth.
I'm stuck, Val.
I don't like where I am.
I got a tattoo as a reminder.
Okay.
Just not sure it's a good idea
to get a forever reminder
that you don't wanna be here.
Well, what's your point?
Well, when something's bad,
you gotta move on.
You can't just stare at it.
You can't even see it anyway,
Mark, it's on your back.
Can you read backwards?
Well, I wasn't gonna get it on my face.
I'm not a freak.
That's right, you're not.
Ooh, okay. Marky Mark,
as much as I would like to not
be anywhere else but here,
I gotta meet Billy downstairs.
And these shoes hurt, too!
We're chasing down Paulie G.
- What?
- Yeah.
Well, I need to get him on camera
admitting that he leaked the AI info.
I don't know if this is wise, Val.
Says the 62-year-old with fresh ink.
- Thank you.
- Have a good day, ma'am.
Oh, excuse me.
- Go right ahead.
- Thank you.
- Hi.
- Oh, Jane.
Hi.
You know it wasn't me, right?
I do, yeah.
Thanks for going on CNN.
- You even put on lipstick.
- A little.
Yeah.
So, what are you doing here, Jane?
Can I come back?
Just, what's happening
to you now is wrong.
And I want to defend you,
but not do it
for some corporate conglomerate
HD video,
B-roll filler content bullshit.
I wanna do it on my own, properly.
With this.
This is the camera that I filmed
The Lesbians of Treblinka with.
That's how serious I am about doing it.
Is that the camera you won the Oscar with?
- Mm-hmm.
- Sure, let's do it.
Yeah.
- Okay.
- Aw.
You better not be here
to make a scene, Jane,
because we've got
some serious security now.
This is James.
He guarded Gaga.
No, no scene, Billy, no.
Jane and I talked it out,
and she's using her Oscar camera
to film me now, so we're good.
Jane, I'm sorry about
throwing you off the lot.
I was protecting our business.
Yeah, I'm sorry, too.
I was protecting humanity.
Yeah, two good points, yeah.
Jane, why don't you
get in the front? Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, you have to get Paulie G's face
when he sees me, okay?
Studio's gonna want
to blame someone for the leak,
and it's not me.
- Are we running a coffee tab?
- Patience has Val's card.
Paulie said this was his haunt.
I don't see him.
Oh, look who's here.
Valerie Cherish.
Are you here to punch Paulie G.
in the stomach again?
Yeah, or did you come by to take away
our livelihood in person?
Oh, my God. They're all writers.
- Dava?
- Okay, look.
- Latte for Dava.
- I get it.
But taking this out on her is wrong.
She is just an actress
who was desperate for work,
so she took a show, okay?
She's desperate? I'm applying for a job
- at Costco right now.
- Okay, yeah, he's not here.
- Why don't we just go?
- Okay, alright.
- Oh! I'm sorry.
- Oh, yeah.
You've got a lot to be sorry for.
- You and your AI bullshit.
- Okay, you know what?
- That's enough, sir.
- No, no, no. No.
- It's enough.
- I'm talking to her.
She's taken all
of our writer money for herself,
and I had to take my kids
out of private school
because I can't afford it!
If you don't have money for school,
then why are you spending $8 on a latte?
Oh! Oh, my God!
- Sorry.
- Damn it!
Oh, I meant to do this.
- Oh!
- Oh, my God!
Oh, that's $16 that your kids
are not gonna get!
- Alright, Billy, that's enough.
- Asshole.
No, let's just go
before someone throws a scone.
Oh, did you get your coffee?
Good, we can go now.
- I have a boba for Patience!
- Okay.
Alright, we're gonna have
to stop at my condo again
- so I can change.
- Okay.
Alright, I'm gonna have him
drop me off at home after that.
- I'm gonna take a personal day after this.
- Oh, yeah.
Val!
Hey! Hi.
What happened to you two?
"What happened?"
I'll tell you what happened!
An angry writer just threw
two grande iced frappelattes at us
'cause you told everyone
about AI in our show.
No, no.
I didn't tell anyone.
In fact, I sent you a text.
Did you not get it?
She got a lot of texts yesterday, Paulie.
Most of them suggesting
that she kill herself.
- Yeah.
- So, maybe she didn't get yours.
Right.
Ugh, alright. Billy? Yeah.
- You got whipped cream.
- I'll get it later.
Alright, well, at least take a napkin.
- Thank you.
- I have Wet Ones in the car.
- Oh, great.
- It's right here.
"Val, sorry this all happened. Really am.
- You don't deserve it."
- "You don't deserve it." Yeah.
I got it. I missed it.
I missed it. I'm sorry I accused you.
I get why you'd think that.
Why wouldn't you?
- Alright, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
You know what? Come in.
You deserve an apology.
Come in.
No, I'm good. Yeah.
Please, just for a sec.
Just to clear things up with the writers.
You know what?
I've cleared things up
with the writer I came to see.
Okay.
- Hey, Val.
- Yeah?
I got a job.
- Is it here?
- Yeah, a barista.
No.
Got a stupid zombie rom-com,
for half my quote.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Okay. Why are you thanking me?
That day back on your set, you know?
Just made me realize I like writing
more than I, you know, like sitting
- Yeah.
on somebody else's show.
- Well, good for you.
- Yeah.
Yeah, hope it runs a long time.
Yeah.
Okay.
Bye, Paulie.
Giappino.
- Right? Paulie Giappino.
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- So, bye.
So, who is the leak?
Well, let's see. Okay, who knew?
Paulie G., Jimmy.
You, your crew. Mark.
You, Billy. Patience. The cast.
Frank, PDP.
Oh, I know who it is.
It's me! I'm the leak.
Told too many people.
Yeah, that's how it got out.
Told too many people.
And who knows who they told.
Well, don't say any of that
at the press step and repeat on Thursday.
Oh, no. No, no. Can't go to that now.
No, well, I've gotta do
Finance Dudes that afternoon.
Yeah, but the event's not till 8:00.
That's right. Listen.
Okay, the press, you know,
just, I don't think I should go, you know?
- Lightning rod.
- Thank you, yeah.
I'll go. Represent us and the show.
Yeah, good.
You're passing on a press event
for your show?
That's not like you.
Don't make a big deal
about it, Jane, okay?
Got a lot on my plate, so, yeah,
I'm passing on the step and retreat.
You said, "step and retreat."
Did I?
Okay. What is it?
- Shit.
- What?
Valerie Cherish has got to go!
Hey-hey! Ho-ho!
Valerie Cherish has got to go!
- Oh, God! Okay.
- Hey-hey! Ho-ho!
- Close the window.
- I can't.
I need room for the boom mic.
Good afternoon. ID, please.
Oh, yeah, I got that. Here.
- Can you hand him my ID?
- Who's that down there?
Oh, it's Valerie Cherish. Hello.
- The one they're picketing?
- Uh, yeah.
Do you have a drive-on for us?
He just joined my team this morning,
so, didn't call it in.
Yeah, no vehicle or person gets on the lot
Well, okay. Well, you've got my ID.
You know what?
I'm gonna get out here.
Okay. Not this way.
I'm gonna take an Uber home.
Valerie Cherish has got to go!
- Hey-hey! Ho-ho!
- Okay.
Valerie Cherish has got to go! Hey-hey!
Jane, is it necessary to shoot this part
with your old-time camera?
Oh. Careful.
Hey-hey! Ho-ho!
Valerie Cherish has got to go!
Hey-hey! Ho-ho!
Valerie Cherish has got to go!
Okay, first team is here.
Thank you, second team.
Excuse me! Everyone?
Well, if no one's gonna
say anything, I guess I will.
Louder.
I am not comfortable working in here
while writers are striking right outside.
Yeah. They're not striking, though.
We can work, it's not a union thing.
You know what? No, no. Fuck them.
- Well.
- Well, we could also say
"Fuck Valerie," right?
Please watch your language.
Not that we would say that,
but she is the one
who lied to us about AI.
Oh, no, no! No, no. No, I didn't lie.
No, I couldn't tell you
because the studio
told me not to, so, yeah.
That's lying.
- It is.
Val, I love you, but you lied.
You lied by omission.
Well.
Looky, looky, looky.
- Out of my way, AI.
- Whoa.
Stop! Stop bumping into me, man!
- What's happening?
- Stop taking it out on me.
Please, okay,
I didn't invent ones and zeros.
I'm just trying to do my work.
Blow me, Algorithm.
Guys, guys, listen, I get it, okay?
I do. But it's not
Evan's fault, you know?
Just like it's not my fault, right?
I didn't invent zero, one,
two, three, four.
Fuck you, Genius Bar.
Alright, what's going on over there, Ron?
I worked on a movie with AI.
We shot it in two weeks.
A movie!
Should have been 16 weeks.
Sixteen weeks of work for us grips.
Gone.
Yeah, but you know what?
The AI here is just
replacing writers, right?
Not yet.
I'm sorry, who are you
and what do you do here?
I wash your shitty underwear.
My underwear is not shitty.
So, I guess those are just
streaks of chocolate.
Okay, not necessary.
Okay, everyone! I get it, okay?
I hear you,
but we have a show to block here.
So, Jack, "A" camera on Valerie
as she crosses to the desk.
No.
Let AI get Valerie.
- Alright, brother.
- Jack!
Seriously?
What's that gonna prove?
You don't do your job, then what?
You're fired.
Carmie.
Jamey.
Big Tom.
How many people do you know
that are not working right now?
- A lot.
- Well, we are.
And we just found out
this show is written by AI.
So, now what?
Well, the way I see it,
AI's like a lot of directors
we have to work with.
You hate that he's here
and you resent you have to work with him.
She's just making a point.
But you put your nose down
and you do it anyway,
because you love what you do.
And you have a mortgage,
or kids, or in my case, both,
and a bird that refuses to die.
Wait, so, who won't die?
It's a bird. Her pet bird.
And who knows, maybe AI learns
that it can't do what you can do,
or that you do it better.
So, let's get on with it, for each other,
because sitcoms come and go.
But this one's testing real well.
Yeah, I got no kids or bird.
I'm out.
I don't wanna work on a liar's show.
Well, I can pick up "A" camera.
I ran it the first three years
of The Conners.
Okay, let's take 20 minutes,
and those of you who still work here,
I'll see you then.
Evan, are you okay?
- I spilled my tea.
- Yeah.
Getting more.
- Val?
- Yo, Val.
- Yeah? Yeah.
You wanna see pictures of my new house?
- You bought a house?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Show's doing really great.
So, check that out.
- Three bed, two bath.
- Uh-huh.
That's a pool.
Look at that.
An above-ground, yeah.
Come over.
Okay, right now,
I'm just gonna take my 20.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay.
- Val?
- Yeah.
Valerie.
Yeah, I'm just gonna
take my 20 minutes, Jane.
Jane, I said I just need a minute.
I know, I'm just walking with you.
Alright, no camera, just walk.
Okay. No cameras.
Valerie!
- Valerie!
- Oh!
It's a writer! One got loose!
No, Valerie, it's me! It's Juna!
- It's Juna!
- What?
- Oh, Juna!
- Hi!
- Oh!
- Hi!
- Aw!
- Oh, my God.
Sorry, I didn't recognize you.
You dyed your hair.
Oh, no, it's a wig,
and it's so effing hot.
- Yeah, yeah.
- It won't even stay on.
- You know what? Screw it.
- Oh!
Oh, there she is!
Baby Girl.
- Oh!
- Alright, now. Ha-ha!
Oh, sorry, I thought
you were an angry writer,
got loose from the pack.
Yeah, no, I saw them at the gate.
That's what I was running up to say.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Well, yeah.
And Jane, oh my gosh,
I didn't get to say hi to you.
- So good to see you.
- Yeah.
Oh, is it okay if I film you guys?
Oh, sure. Cool camera.
- Won an Oscar with that.
- Whenever you're ready.
Oh, Raymond, just a sec.
I'm shooting a movie here on Stage 25,
and as I was going in,
I saw you walking out.
Yeah, I needed to leave.
You know, get out of there.
My crew let me know
they are not happy with me.
I didn't tell them about the AI, you know?
I lied.
By commission.
Val, you really think an experienced crew
who works on sitcoms didn't notice
that there wasn't
a group of writers on stage
laughing at their own jokes?
- Yeah.
- Come on, they knew.
- Yeah, okay.
But I still feel bad 'cause
I didn't treat them right.
- I didn't.
- You know what?
I don't accept that.
You don't treat people bad.
You just don't.
Room and Bored was my first show,
and I remember being so nervous
because all I ever heard
was that everyone in Hollywood
was out for themselves.
And then you, you were so nice,
and open, and you showed me the ropes,
and you invited me into your home.
You showed me what it could be,
and I have taken that with me
on everything I've ever done,
and I have had a blast.
- Aw.
- And that is a gift from you.
Val, to me, you're "it."
Aw!
Oh, Val.
Thank you.
Aw.
Look, I should really go.
I don't wanna keep anyone waiting.
- You taught me that, too.
- Okay.
Okay.
Bye, Jane.
Oh, hey!
- You know what I just realized?
- What?
We've known each other for over 20 years.
How 'bout that?
- You look great!
Bye.
Valerie Cherish. Hello.
- Hi, Valerie. Ephram.
- Hi. Oh.
- Really nice to meet you.
- Hi, hello.
- You doing F. Dudes is so big for us.
- Aw.
Especially right now with
all this heat you have on you.
- Oh.
- But even bad press
- is good press, right?
- Uh-huh.
Yeah. Okay, speaking of heat,
do I have your permission
to throw in a little spice?
- Go for it, yeah.
- Yeah, for drama, yeah.
Yeah. Oh, and there's gonna be a pretty
hot call-in from one of the Dudes.
Mark always forgets to put it on speaker.
- Okay.
- What are we talking about?
Oh, just there's gonna be a Dude call,
and you just have to make sure
Right, got it.
I always forget.
Okay, we've got coffee ready.
- Go have breakfast.
- Oh, okay.
- Camera's up!
- Breakfast at 4:30?
Well, it's the only time I could do it,
and I guess they need
a morning scene, you know?
So, good show, everybody!
And welcome to our home.
Yeah, please don't touch the chairs.
They're suede.
Hey, my man. Fingers.
Oh. Oh, is the Dude calling in early?
- No?
- No.
- That's Greg. Why is he calling me now?
- Excuse me.
Oh, well, maybe he wants
to be friends again.
Wait, did you call him
and tell him to call me?
No, I would never do that. No.
Answer it and find out.
No, I'm not gonna answer it.
- She's about to do that thing
- that she does with her hands.
- Oh, okay.
Finance Dudes.
Breakfast scene. Let's do it.
And action!
So, what time do you have to go
into the office today, Marky Mark?
Oh, I don't know.
- 9:00.
- Oh.
9:30.
9:45.
- It's fine.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
And what time do the Dudes get in?
Well, whenever they want.
They usually arrive after I do.
I sit at my desk, waiting.
Yeah.
- You got, yeah, crumbs.
- Sorry, my bad!
- That's alright.
- No.
- No.
I know.
- I'm really sorry.
- It's just flaky. Yeah.
You gotta pick up the energy.
- Pick up the energy.
- Okay.
Going back.
Well, those Dudes don't sound
very serious about finance.
Word on the street is,
is that they take drugs
and stay out all night.
Where'd you hear that?
You're talking into the mug.
- No, no, wait a minute.
What'd you just say about the mug?
Should I be doing something
differently with the mug?
Just don't talk into it.
You don't even do that in real life.
- Oh.
Right, of course.
Yeah.
Maybe they're coming in so late
because they're out all night.
- I just did it again.
- Yeah, you did.
- You know what, though?
- What?
It's weird if I have a cup of coffee
and I don't drink it.
Then, you know what? Put it down.
- Yes.
- Yeah, okay.
- Set it down, yeah.
That's right.
And now, what do I do with my hands?
Jesus.
Hold your phone.
Yeah, you can just hold your phone.
Don't get too involved with it, though,
'cause we have to have
a conversation, right?
Pretend you're not a husband
and you listen to your wife.
Yeah? Funny, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, maybe just set it down.
- Okay.
- Yeah, good.
Oh.
Well, now, do I pick it up?
Yes. Wonder who that is.
- It's a Finance Dude.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Hello?
- Speaker!
- Speaker!
- Yeah, put it on speaker.
- Why can't I remember that?
- That's okay, but just do it.
Hello? Are you there?
I am here.
Dude, I just had breakfast with my uncle,
and he said you left
the Riverside Golf Club
'cause you got Me Too'd.
What's up with that?
You got Me Too'd, dude?
Tell me about that. What happened?
He told a joke at work, that's all.
- This is his wife.
- Shit. Your wife.
- Sorry, dude.
He's not here right now, he left.
I'm gonna get him.
I'm gonna get him back, so yeah.
Tell 'em what this means?
Mark, you can't just let that hang there.
No, no. Yeah.
Go to the other laundry room door.
go, go, go, go, go, go!
Hey.
Mark, you have to go out
and tell them it was a joke.
It was just a joke that got you fired.
You know, otherwise,
people are going to fill in the blanks
with stuff that never happened.
Val, stuff did happen.
What?
Oh, before you.
Okay.
I slept with women who worked there.
Well, you know me,
I never forced anyone to do anything.
God, we were young assholes
fooling around with temps.
Assistants.
Anyone who flirted back, honestly.
do whatever, because I was their boss.
Francesca's mom.
How do I forget her name?!
- Mimi.
- Mimi.
I hate myself for acting like that.
I wish I had been exceptional,
but I wasn't.
I was one of the guys,
I never even questioned it.
Okay, but Mark, you're different now.
Now, you know,
and you do things differently.
Isn't that the point?
pretend I don't feel embarrassed
and awful for where I am.
Do you need to read my back again?
Okay, Mark?
You got knocked down.
You can't just lay there.
You gotta get back up, darlin'.
Okay, you can't say no to Brentwood,
and say no to golf,
and say no to here, 'cause we're here.
be positive.
'Cause why not?
Right? Why not?
Okay.
But before I stop saying no,
I'm saying one more.
No to Finance Dudes.
I want to quit the show, Val.
Okay, yeah.
I know you pushed to get me on it,
but I'm just doing it for you.
Okay, I was just doing that for you.
Well, thank you for that.
- Excuse me.
- Okay.
Mm. Yeah.
Here he is. Get ready.
Oh.
Camera's up!
That won't be necessary.
Thank you all for your time,
and I quit.
- Oh.
- Oh, thank God.
Alright, pull the
"Dude's night out at Tao."
Let me just see the time.
Okay, yeah, no.
I have time to change for my press thing.
I thought you weren't doing that.
Well, everything I said
to you is true for me, too.
So, pepped us both back up.
Besides, can't say no
to press for my own show.
You're not my camera.
Thank you so much.
That's great, right there.
- Not very big.
- Well, this is what they do now.
It only has to be big enough to look big
- in the influencer's camera.
- Oh.
Okay, well, I've been
working on my statement
for, you know,
when they ask me about the AI.
So, how does this sound?
Well, AI is a valuable new tool
being used to help writers
free up their full potential.
I'll say it better. Yeah.
Who wrote that for you, ChatGPT?
Okay, Jane, not now.
I gotta face a firing squad.
- Thank you.
- Look okay?
Amazing.
- Yeah? Okay.
- Yeah.
- Right this way, ma'am.
- Thank you.
Valerie!
- Valerie Cherish.
- Valerie! Valerie!
Over here, Ms. Cherish.
- Over here!
- Wow.
- To the right.
- She doesn't even look nervous.
- Beautiful!
- Yeah, she's a pro.
- Very good!
- Ms. Cherish, over here, please.
Oh, sorry.
Now, I can say hi
to the cast at the party.
No, there's no party.
What? Just this and go home?
Valerie, hi.
- Hi.
- Ridley Macintosh.
- Oh! From the Zoom.
- Hi. That's right.
- Oh, hi. Yeah.
- Hey!
This went well, yeah.
Oh, the press was so nice.
Well, yeah, friends of the court.
How's That?!'s important to us.
Got it. Okay, yeah. Sorry about the leak.
I know NuNet wanted to announce it.
We did. We leaked it.
- Yeah.
Perfect placement, four days before air.
All anybody's paying attention to,
How's That?!, Valerie Cherish,
AI.
Expecting a lot of views.
Oh, and we booked you
to do Hot Ones tomorrow.
- Come on.
- Okay.
Don't know what that is,
but sure sounds fun.
- Yeah? It's gonna be!
- Okay.
Okay, we'll Zoom soon, alright?
- Zoom soon, yeah, okay.
- Okay, bye.
- Alright, see you later.
- Yeah.
- Thank you so much.
- Okay.
Wow. Jane.
NuNet was the leak.
Isn't that a surprise?
Get ready for another one.
- What?
- This way, please!
Over here! Over here!
Who's that?
- It's Billy.
- What? That is?
Yeah, wow, he's really going for it.
- Big smile!
- Looks taller.
Who are you? What's your name?
I'm Billy.
Billy with a star over the "I".
- Wow.
- Can you tell us who you're wearing?
- That's fabulous!
- Beautiful! Oh, perfect.
- It's such a surprise.
- Val, this person
has been inside me a very long time
- wanting to come out.
- Oh.
A woman?
No. I'm not trans, Val.
I'm a star.
- Oh, you wanna be an actor?
- No.
I don't wanna be an actor.
I want to be a star.
You know, when I took that latte
I decided I was done
being in the background.
Tonight was my night to shine.
Well, you sure did.
Yeah. You made it on FashionLine.com.
- What? No, I did?
- Mm-hmm.
There I am.
- I'm on FashionLine.com.
- Yeah.
- Billy with a star over the "I".
- Seat belts.
We should put our seat belts on.
Do you need help with the seat belt?
- I can see it, you can't.
- Thank you.
I wonder,
if he's basically wearing an airbag,
does he need a seat belt?
You know what, Valerie?
You haven't tried the sauce yet.
How hot is this? Let's see.
Oh, that's not bad. Okay.
Mm!
Milk? That's what helps?
Mm.
Well, the show's called How's That?!
it's been a lot of fun.
I don't think I can do this.
Oh, God!
wonderful.
I know, it's gonna come.
NuNet.
At 9:00.
I play Beth!
and Boone died.
What's funny about this to you, Sean?!
I think you're a sadist.
And then, her nephew comes with his wife.
Gabrielle plays her.
That's what I think about that!
Sean, I can't hear what you're saying.
I've got ringing in my ears.
This doesn't help. Do you have butter?
happiness to anybody,
then we've done our job.
Are we done?