Happy Days (1974) s03e08 Episode Script

1
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪
Ready to race to you ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪Oh, baby ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rocking and rolling all week long ♪
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
Saturday, what a day ♪
Groovin' all week with you ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, baby ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪
Happy Days is filmed before a live audience.
Happy birthday, Dad! Happy birthday, Howard.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
How old are you now, Dad?
Well, sweetheart, I am 43-years-young.
Excuse me, dear, you're 45.
Oh Sorry, dear, I'm 43.
Pardon me, Howard, you're 45.
I'm 43, Marion. 45.
Look, a birthday fight.
I've never seen a birthday fight before.
We're not fighting children, we're just disagreeing.
Forty-five.
I'm 43, and I can prove it to you.
You better quit while you're ahead.
No, no, no.
I can prove it.
Now look, I was 31-years-old when Joanie was born, right?
Right. Joanie is 12.
12 and 31 is 43.
I'm 43-years-old, Marion.
But Dad, I'm 14.
You're 12, Joanie.
Richie, she is 12, isn't she?
I'm 14.
But you act like you're ten.
Oh, sit on it.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Are you sure you're 14?
Do I look 12?
You see, dear, you're 45.
Oh, my goodness.
I swore I was 43.
Well, it's not that much difference, dear.
Yeah, my gym teacher told us,
once you're over the hill, what's the difference how far?
Joanie.
Well, she's not a very good teacher, anyways.
Happy Birthday, Dad.
Yeah, thanks, sweetheart. I've got to get to school.
I sure wish I was 43 again.
Why, Dad? 45 isn't old.
It certainly isn't, you do the same things now
that you did 20 years ago.
That's more depressing than being 45.
20 years ago, I had big dreams.
I wanted to go to Tahiti and
be a great painter like Gauguin.
Oh, Howard, you wouldn't like Tahiti.
You know you hate sand between your toes.
I'm 45,
and I do exactly the same things I did 20 years ago.
Not exactly.
Exactly, Marion.
I'm going to work.
Just like I do every day.
I'll see you all later.
What's it like out, dear?
The same.
Where is everybody?
Arnold?
Yeah?
Who is it?
Oh, Mr. Cunningham.
Uh, I'm closed.
Well, how come?
"Today is Confuciu" birthday, I always close.
I thought you were Japanese.
Yeah, on my father's side.
My mother is Chinese.
See, I speak Japanese, Chinese, Korean,
a little Hungarian.
Well, tell me something. What do you consider yourself?
Good looking.
Arnold, I came in here to buy some ice cream
for a birthday party tonight.
No kidding!
I thought I was the only one
in Milwaukee celebrate Confucius' birthday.
No, you don't understand,
it also happens to be my birthday.
Oh, well, I'll get you the ice cream later,
right now I got to finish some work.
You come inside, we talk.
Okay. Okay.
Boy, I bet there aren't many people in this country
who know that today is Confucius' birthday, huh?
Oh, that's okay.
Lots of people in China don't know it's your birthday.
Uh, let's see.
Where I was oh, yeah.
That's the work you had to do?
Oh, yeah, I almost finished.
This the last wall.
You write this stuff? Huh?
I always thought the kids did it.
Oh, the kids not funny.
I write the good stuff, bring in the crowds.
See, look at this.
"Want a good time, call Emma."
Oh, for such a big day, you don't look so happy.
Well, I guess it's just because
I never got a chance to go to Tahiti.
What?
Oh, let me put it this way, Arnold.
You see, I woke up today
and I realized I was 45-years-old,
and I've never really done anything exciting.
Oh, whose life exciting?
Look at me, it's Confucius' birthday
and I'm writing on a bathroom wall.
I'm just like you.
I'm just another John Doe.
Yeah, but my life has always been dull.
Mine, too.
I don't even know Emma.
Do-do, do-do ♪
Do-do ♪
Ooh, ooh. He's here!
Does he still look sad?
He's getting out of the car.
He's dancing.
Oh, great. No, he stepped in something.
Oh.
Now he's coming and he looks all right.
Hi, dear!
Hi, sweetheart, here's your ice cream.
Joanie, take this, will you dear?
Now, dear, we want you to come right over here
and sit down in the chair and make yourself.
Well, I would like to go upstairs and
No, no. No, no.
What do I have to sit over here for?
It's nice on your birthday.
Oh, come on.
Hey, let's watch a little television.
How can I watch television when I'm facing the other way?
Oh, we're in luck.
This is Your Life is on.
No, Richard, that's on Sunday nights.
No, it's tonight.
This is your life, Howard Cunningham!
Aren't we devils?
Come on now, this is ridiculous.
That's just what I told him, but who listens to me?
Yes, Howard Cunningham,
or Cookie Cunningham, as you are known
in Army mess halls around the world.
On the occasion of your 45th birthday,
we proudly present your life,
with my co-host and co-master of ceremonies,
one of your best friends in the neighborhood.
Lester's here from the lodge?
No, no. Oh, you got Jack from the store.
No, we didn't get Jack.
Well, who did you get?
Come on out, best friend!
It's the best I could do on short notice.
It's great to be here, Mr. C.
I didn't know I was one of your close friends
till Richie told me this afternoon.
It's been a secret.
We can pal around together.
Go to a ball game.
Oh, sure we can, Potsie.
Now moving right along.
I'm not taking him to any ball game.
Now, on with This is Your Life, Howard Cunningham.
Mom, will you get ready please?
Howard Cunningham, now we look into the dim recesses
of your life history.
You wrote all this stuff yourself?
Yeah, Dad. Oh, boy.
The dim recesses of your life history,
the life that you think is the same thing
over and over. Hmm.
You think your life is dull.
Dig this voice, Mr. C.
Does it remind you of anyone?
Who's that lady?
I remember Howard's third grade spelling bee.
Is that Mom?
You brought Mom up from Florida!
Come on out, Mom!
No, no, Dad, Dad, it's not Grandma, no.
But here direct from some old teacher's home
is Miss Florence Prism, your third-grade teacher!
Oh, I'm very sorry. She's all right.
Miss, Miss, Miss Florence Prism. Yes.
How about that?!
Are you all right?
Oh, Howard, how you've grown!
Mrs. Prism, I'm over here.
Oh.
Boy, did you get fat.
Miss Prism, tell us in your own words
the exciting story of how Howard Cunningham
won the annual third-grade spelling contest.
He didn't win it.
That was his smart cousin Lawrence.
Howard went down the tube in the first round.
Sit down, Miss Prism, this is going to be fun.
Well, not so far.
Let's move on.
And now Howard Cunningham, we move from public school
on to high school, where you discovered a new talent.
Here's another voice from your past.
Howard, you played the horn so well.
And who doesn't remember when it rained during halftime
and you threw yourself over the horn so it wouldn't rust.
Do you recognize that voice from the past?
Sure, it's Ralph Malph.
But he's standing in
for your old bandmaster Professor Wilhelm Schmidt!
Bon giorno! Bon giorno!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
Professor Schmidt was a German!
I don't do German.
You don't do Italian either.
The real Professor Schmidt was unavailable this evening.
We went to his house and he sicced his dogs on us.
That's how he used to get us to march.
Looks terrific, pal.
We don't have to go to a ball game.
We can go to the fights.
I'm busy.
When?
All the time.
Howard, show them why
they nicknamed you "Magic Lips".
And he's just warming up.
No, I think that's it. I lost my lip.
Howard, that's rotten. R O T T E N.
I can't stand any more of this,
I'm gonna go home and look at Have Gun, Will Travel.
The best is yet to come.
Yeah, what best?
I can't even close this coat.
And now, Howard, how about your lovely family,
which all started with this voice?
Howard, your first words to me were,
"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?"
Who is that?
That's right, Howard,
that's your bride, the former Marion Kelp,
here to re-create
the most important day of your life!
I love you truly ♪
Truly, I do ♪
You may kiss the bride.
I'll try, but you know I lost my lip.
That's-a nice.
Sit down, Schmidt.
As the years went on, your accomplishments grew.
Yes, it was just this past year
when you took a stray lad off the streets.
Here he is now, a member of the Cunningham family.
Do you recognize this voice?
Hey!
That one I know.
Yes, here he is!
All the way from upstairs, huh?
Arthur Fonzarelli, the Fonz!
Whoa! I have to tell you something.
You look great in that hat,
You know this family is F-U-N, fun? Fun, man! Whoa!
Mr. C is going to take me to the fights.
I'm not No, wait a minute, Fonz, will you read this?
It's all right, Dad. Just read that, please.
"Howard Cunningham."
That's you.
"You took this cool cat off the street
"and put a roof over my head,
"not to mention an occasional
warm meal in my tummy"? Who wrote this? Hey!
We all did. Please?
All right, all right, cool it, cool it!
"But more, but more than just making a home for me,
you befriended my bike."
Hey, that was great. I like that.
"You gave it a beautiful home, a nice paved driveway
and what did you ask for all this?"
Nothing.
Nothing, my kazoo. 50 bucks a month for a one walk up?
I want to tell you something, if I'm late for the rent,
this man turns purple on me.
Thank you, Fonz, thank you.
Uh, now let me read these other accomplishments
Uh, Richie, I think this has gone far enough.
You almost made the high school basketball team.
You almost got your picture in the Hardware Journal.
You almost were Grand Poobah of your lodge!
Listen to this.
You almost won the Irish Sweepstakes!
Hold it, hold it!
That's enough.
I want you all to know how much I appreciate this party.
But you've just proved to me
that my life is not worth looking back at.
Excuse me. MARION: Howard!
Where are you going?
Where are you going, Howard?
I'm going upstairs to take a bath,
and then I'm going to Tahiti!
Does that mean we're not going to the fights?
Well, how'd it go at the store, dear?
Oh, great.
I opened a can of paint, I, uh, I sold a hose
and a hammer, and I spent three hours assorting screws.
Well, it was very nice of you to help your father out
at the store today.
This birthday business really got him down.
Even this morning, all he could do
was walk around muttering "Tahiti."
Is you father with you?
No, he went home a few hours ago.
He was depressed, so you know, I gave him the day off.
That's nice.
That's the bathroom door, that must be him.
Joanie.
What?
I thought you were your father.
No, he's the hefty man with the deep voice.
Is Dad upstairs?
No, I saw him about 1:00.
He took a bottle of suntan lotion,
and said something about Tahiti, and walked out.
Why didn't you stop him?
Well, there's plenty more suntan lotion.
Cut it out, Joanie.
Mom, where do you think he went?
I don't know.
Maybe he really went to Tahiti.
Oh, now, don't be silly.
Now everything is just fine.
I'm sure there's a logical explanation for this.
Your father has run away from home.
Uh, why would he just go off like this?
Haven't I been a good wife?
Sure, you have.
It couldn't be my cooking.
He was thin when I married him.
I never asked for a mink coat.
I was happy with cloth.
And when his ulcer hurt him, didn't I rub his stomach?
Counter-clockwise.
Oh, where did I go wrong?
Oh, yeah, hey, Mrs. C., listen.
I didn't get a chance to go shopping today.
Can I just borrow a can of beans,
I'll get out of your hair.
Oh Hey, it's all right, I'll eat out.
Fonz, Dad hasn't gotten home from work yet.
Yeah, but he'll be home any minute.
I mean, it's probably nothing.
Nothing, Richard?
Being deserted and left with
two little children is not nothing.
We think Dad ran away from home.
Ain't he a little old for that?
Oh, it's my fault.
I drove him out.
I probably said, "Sit on it, Howard," once too often.
No, it's my fault.
I've been kidding him ever since I got taller than he is
No, Richie, it's not your fault.
It's not my fault, I'm still short.
All right, all right, all right,
now come on, calm down, everybody, huh?
Let's not panic.
I'm going to take charge here.
I'll have that man back in his house, huh? Like that.
All right. See?
Nothing to worry about, everything will be fine.
Fonzie will find your father.
Well, I'm just going to go upstairs and lie down.
Okay And think
just think
yesterday he was having his birthday party.
Sitting in his chair.
Things just aren't the same.
Richie, I'm scared.
Joanie, everything is going to be fine, okay?
But Mom, she looked so sad.
Yeah, but she'll probably snap out of it.
It may take a while.
Hi, Fonz. I heard your bike.
You didn't find him, huh?
Hey, there's nothing to worry about.
It's just a matter of time, I'm closing in.
Well, listen, it's 4:00 in the morning.
Why don't you just quit?
Hey, I work best at 4:00 in the morning.
I'm hot on his trail.
Now, listen, you just go to sleep, you sleep tight,
don't let those bedbugs bite.
You wake up in the morning, and you'll see your father.
Okay, Fonz. All right.
Listen, thanks.
Hey, don't worry about it.
Who am I kidding?
I don't even know where he is.
I thought I knew every place to hide in Milwaukee.
"Taffy called. Couldn't sleep.
Liza called. Says she loves you."
Hey, she loves me.
"Taffy still can't sleep.
Cheryl, look for my earring."
Look for your earring?
Phone messages?
Who took the Oh, no, don't tell me.
Come on out, Mr. C.
Hi, Fonzie.
I guess you wonder what I'm doing here, huh?
Well, I left the phone number with the airlines.
You see, all the flights to Tahiti are booked up.
So they're going to call me if there's a cancellation.
I guess a lot of guys turned 45 this week.
So you're just going to wait here for your phone messages?
Yeah, you just go about your business.
I won't get in your way.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'll go about my business.
Now my business is looking for you!
Now I don't mean to scold you, Mr. C.,
but I've been out all night looking for you.
And so have my friends.
And your family is worried sick!
So why don't you just go downstairs,
and be with your wife?
Shh. No, no!
I don't want them to find me.
Now, look, I told them I was going to Tahiti
and they laughed at me.
All right, let me just ask you one question.
What are you running away for?
You wouldn't understand.
The Fonz wouldn't understand?
The "Dear Abby" of Arnold's wouldn't understand?
How can you understand a man
whose whole life has been dull, huh?
A man that's had no dreams.
You with your ten telephone messages,
how could you understand?
Oh, what's the difference.
You're the Fonz, and I'm Cookie Cunningham.
I'm 45 years old and I'm never going to do anything great.
Now, how could you understand that, huh?
Let me tell you something.
I understand you're 45 years old.
I also understand that you're wrong.
You do something great everyday of your life.
You take care of business, Jack.
You take care of your family, your wife and your kids.
Anybody can do that!
Poppycock!
Poppycock?
I know an old man who split when I was four years old.
Your father?
You know what he left me?
He left me a strong box and no key.
I had to run over that thing
three or four times with my tricycle.
Then I finally sprung the lock.
You know what was inside?
Yeah. The key and that's it!
Well, my family isn't going to have that problem.
Look at this.
I want you to see that Richie gets all of these things, huh?
Look, regular savings account,
emergency account, kid's college fund, huh?
Look at this, paid up life insurance policy,
home owner's policy, and the keys to the store.
Now you give these to Richie,
tell him the store's got to be opened
every morning at 9:00.
The first thing he's got to do is turn off the alarm.
Now just leave me alone and
let me wait here for my phone call.
Hey, Mr. C., I don't think they're going to need the key.
Richie is going to sell the store.
S-S-S-Sell sell Cunningham's Hardware Store?
It took me 25 years to build up that business!
My life's blood is in it!
Yeah, well, he thinks he can get $3,000, $4,000,
$5,000 for it.
$5,000?
He's crazy!
That wouldn't cover the down payment.
Oh, Marion wouldn't let him do that.
Marion? She don't care.
She's going to go back to school, finish her studies.
Archeology?
Oh, she's got rocks in her head.
She's got to stay home and take care of Joanie.
Joanie? Don't worry about Joanie.
She's going to quit school in a
couple of years and get married.
But she's only 12 years old!
Fourteen.
What difference does it make?
Oh, my God, my God!
I haven't even gone yet and my whole family's gone to pot!
Hello.
Yes, this is Howard Cunningham.
Are you crazy?
I can't go to Tahiti now,
my family's going nuts.
What am I telling you this for?
Just give the ticket to another 45-year-old man.
Give me that stuff.
I've got to go downstairs and straighten them out.
I can't leave them alone for one minute!
Thanks, Fonzie.
Hey.
Now what is that man going to do if I move?
Good night, dear. So nice to have you home.
Good night, sweetheart.
I'll be right up.
I want to talk to Richard for a minute.
Don't be too long.
Richard Dad, it's 5:00 in the morning.
Couldn't we talk after lunch?
Well, I'd like to get this off my chest now.
Look, I, uh, I went kind of crazy today, and
and I was all wrong.
I guess I've got a lot to be thankful for.
I've got a smart son who wants to go to college,
even though he thinks Potsie's my best friend,
and I've got a lovely daughter with a fresh mouth,
who when she's not talking, is a doll.
And then, I've got a wife who's more beautiful today
than she was the first day I met her.
A wife who's kind, considerate
Did you hear what I said?
I sure did.
More more.
Howard, you haven't lost your lip!
Whoa.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the airline lady.
Right.
Oh, yeah, he's a little crazy,
but you take that as a cancellation.
Well, now, now, wait a minute.
Don't go away so fast.
Yeah, now let's talk about something important, like you.
What's a nice lady like you doing in a place like that, huh?
Yeah, a dull humdrum life.
Why don't you throw down your pencil
and hustle over to my place
and be cool for the first time in your life?
What?
What did you say?
What makes me think I'm so cool?
Sunday, Monday happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday happy days ♪
Saturday, what a day ♪
That makes me think I'm so cool.
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rocking and rolling all week long ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪Oh, baby ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪