Loot (2022) s03e08 Episode Script

1
["Potion" playing]
When I wake up at three in the morning ♪
Witching hour too strong ♪
Like a witch
I know I need my potion ♪
- [gasps] There he is…
- [chuckles]
…my new chief of staff.
Chief of staff. That sounds so wild.
But did you get my email
about possibly changing my title
to Top Top or Your Lordship?
Oh, I don't read emails.
- That's a job for my new Top Top.
- [chuckles]
- [Molly squeals]
- Nicholas, welcome back.
I missed you so much.
Oh, my God, girl.
- Get in here, mama. [chuckles]
- [chuckling]
- [whispering] Who the fuck is this?
- [whispering] Marisol.
Oh, my God.
I missed you so much, Carousel.
- We gotta catch up later, diva.
- Yep, absolutely.
Huh. Anyway…
While I was in Korea,
you've really blown up.
I mean, this Molly Nation stuff
is everywhere.
- [chuckles]
- You're all over TikTok,
every drag queen in Weho
is wearing a blunted short bob wig,
and Megan Fox went on Call Her Daddy,
and named you a "femme supremacist."
Is any of that positive?
- Yes, it is! It all is! It's fantastic!
- [chuckles]
- Your profile is sky-high right now.
- [gasps]
You just got invited
to the Access for Justice Gala,
and this year's theme is
"Age of Insouciance."
Oh, my God. That is so brilliant
because I have no idea what that means.
Yeah, neither do I.
But let's promise never to look it up.
But the best part is I just pinged
by Emmanuel Window-Pond!
God, I have missed
this high-energy gibberish.
- Who is that?
- Oh, my God.
He is just like
the hottest young designer right now.
He just put Addison Rae in a tree branch
for Vanity Fair's Who 100.
- And now he's desperate to dress you.
- [gasps]
- Fabulous. I'm in! Let's do it!
- [gasps]
Okay, great. Um…
So, should I give them
the name of your plus-one now or…
Oh. Yeah. Sure, sure.
It's, um… It's Arthur.
Yeah, great. Yes, of course.
I figured. I just, um…
- You two are in a better spot right now?
- Yeah, yeah.
[stammers] I think so.
We're talking.
Things are good.
We're both trying.
Uh, okay, but, um, why are you
answering everything like a question?
I'm not?
Or am I? I don't know?
Maybe I'll stop?
Okay, I'll stop right now?
Wait, I can't stop?
I'm scared? Nicholas, help me?
Uh… Okay.
Uh, Carousel!
["Gimme That Money" playing]
[song ends]
- Oh, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is nice.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm glad you're here.
- Yeah, me too.
I'm glad we're working things out.
So, I bet you're wondering
what's under that drape.
Uh…
actually there's so much
going on in this room
that I didn't even really notice it.
- [chuckles]
- This is not a salad here?
Um…
So, you and I have been invited
to the Access to Justice Gala.
It's kinda like
a themed fashion-forward event.
- Ooh.
- The designer asked to dress both of us,
and here's your outfit.
- Ta-da!
- Oh, God. No.
I know. It's a little edgy, right?
Uh… [chuckles]
Yeah, I mean, where's the shirt?
My boobs will be out.
Yes, but they will be out for justice.
[sighs]
What is the tiny word
that's written in the cape over and over?
That word?
That word says… [mumbles]
Proofry?
- Pussy. It says pussy.
- Oh.
The word pussy. Ten thousand times.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, um…
Can… Can we FROC right now?
Um… I don't know.
We… We kinda had a big dinner.
No, no, no. Uh, froc-ing is…
is free and open communication.
Yeah, I listened to
the first half of a podcast about it.
- Okay. [stammers] FROC away.
- Okay.
[sighs]
I don't wanna go to the Gala.
I will feel uncomfortable.
It will be tense
and we will get in a fight.
But you should go.
I appreciate you telling me how you feel.
I think that's very healthy.
Yeah. I actually feel great.
[chuckles] I kinda like froc-ing.
[chuckles] It's radical honesty.
Radical honesty.
- Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Let me try.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- Um… [sniffs]
I think lettuce should be free.
It's nothing.
- [chuckles] Great.
- [chuckles]
Um… When I get a haircut,
I show them a picture of Mitt Romney.
Oh. Okay.
Um, I'm good with using a dog breeder
because I don't want a fugly dog.
I don't know how to pronounce hyperbole.
I've never stepped inside of an IHOP.
I get overstimulated by corduroy.
A dip in the pool
counts as a shower for me.
My first erection was to Daisy Duck.
Okay, we're done froc-ing.
- [office workers chatting]
- [phone ringing]
- Oh. Destiny?
- Hmm?
Uh, can I book
the conference room for 3:30?
Yes, of course you can, Ainsley.
[sighs]
Okay, you're all set.
You should receive a confirmation email.
And then you get a text reminder
from me 15 minutes before.
- Um…
- Mm-hmm?
- Are you okay?
- Do I look okay, Cabbage Patch? Hmm?
I'm good at my job, and it's fucked up.
I don't understand.
- So I'm just gonna smile and blink.
- [sighs]
Howard, I can't do this anymore.
This is not the way
that humans were designed to live.
We're explorers,
we're not chair-sitting screen zombies.
Yeah, yeah. Totally.
I mean, I hate this thing.
- Mm-hmm.
- I hate when I line up five emeralds,
and it makes that special sound. Ew!
And all this free
artisanal cardamom grape soda.
- Shame.
- It's like a prison in here.
Exactly. I need a change.
- Ugh, we have to break out like…
- Mmm!
…like El Chapo or-or Martha Stewart.
[breathes heavily]
Okay, well. You're not happy,
- I'm not happy, baby girl.
- Mm-hmm.
- We're a team.
- Mm-hmm.
But, then again, this is our job, right?
Yeah.
But I've got an idea.
- Uh-huh?
- Come on.
What? He said no? To you? To fashion?
I am gonna snap that Temu
Greg Kinnear-looking motherfucker in half.
Nicholas, please.
It was actually
a really great conversation.
I mean, I really wanna know
what Arthur's thinking.
Oh, brother.
I know exactly what Arthur's thinking.
He's a straight white guy, okay?
It's drones! Dax Shepard!
I wanna see Pearl Jam
down at Red Rocks with Steve.
Oh, don't be silly.
He just didn't wanna go to one event.
And, to be honest, my life can be a lot.
I can be a lot.
I mean, how many people do you know
that have
a climate-controlled shoe bunker?
No, no, no, no.
Listen, I love Arthur, I really do.
But sometimes I think he's resisting
a lot of the things that make you you.
I don't know. Maybe.
Miss Molly, there's someone at the door.
Oh. Well, can you get it?
We're in the middle of something.
I would, but trust me,
you're gonna wanna see this shit.
- She just cursed. Go, go, go.
- [gasps]
[upbeat music playing]
I just got a invite for something
called the "Game Changers Summit"?
- The Game Changers Summit!
- Whoo! Bingo! Yes!
- You're in the right place. Have a seat.
- Whoo!
You ready, Sofia? [chuckles]
- Your VIP lanyard.
- [Destiny] Yes.
- [clears throat]
- [music stops]
Receptionist. It comes from
the Latin root word receptacle,
which means trash can.
I am not a trash can.
- Okay.
- [Destiny] Mm-hmm.
Destiny's talents are being wasted here.
She's a communicator,
a bon vivant,
a jester spitting truth at the king.
Guys, I pushed a meeting about
our anti-billionaire initiative for this.
And that was a great decision.
- Here is our proposal.
- [Destiny] Mm-hmm.
We travel the country in a custom van,
hyping the Wells Foundation,
and spreading Molly's message.
Exactly!
We get to embarrass
the greedy billionaires
by bringing light to America's problems
via our hashtag van life journey.
All we need is a bit of seed money
to buy the van.
[Howard] And we already found one
at a very good deal.
The gentleman who owned it
just went to Pelican Bay for murder.
So he won't be driving anytime soon.
Mmm. Isn't that smart?
Okay. I need to think about this.
Excuse me, what?
What is there to think about?
What are the problems? What are the cons?
How about you both are idiots,
and you'll probably do something
that embarrasses Molly and me,
and everyone else who works here.
Fair. That's fair.
We must remain open to criticism.
Could you leave your lanyard?
- [gasps]
- [gasps]
[sensual music plays]
Sweet Mama Celeste!
[gasps] Oh, my penis hurts.
This is Mr. Maro Gold.
Hey, what's up? Um…
I was, uh, hydrofoiling
down by your beach,
and I hit a nasty piece of reef,
lost half of my pinky toe.
Can I have it? I mean, are you okay?
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God. It'll grow back.
- [Nicholas] Huh.
- Um, I live down the beach,
so I was gonna walk home,
but then I was like "Ow."
And then, I was like "House."
So, here I am.
Um… Should we call
a very lucky doctor to take a look at you?
Oh. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. [chuckles]
We're gonna take care of him ourselves
by touching him with our fingers.
Okay, we gotta stop
watching Misery before bed.
I'll get the first aid kit.
I was actually an EMT in the army.
Oh, shut up, Carousel.
No one cares about your biography.
Just get him to the couch
and start peeling off those layers.
Carousel, did you say?
- Take a seat.
- Mmm.
- Yeah. We need to talk.
- We sure do.
So, about the van…
- Why do you hate me?
- I don't hate you.
- Then why won't you give me the van?
- I'm giving you the van, Destiny.
All you do is say no, no, no, no, no!
That's what Mama
should have named you, "No."
It just disgusts me
this power trip that you're on.
I'm saying yes.
And you know what? I thought for once
that Elsa would come down
from her ice palace, and let it go!
I'm giving you the van!
What?
- You can have the van.
- Really?
- Wait, and you think that I'm Elsa?
- Because she's the pretty one.
Oh, my God, Fi-Fi. Thank you so much.
Well, we are in a PR push before the
next phase of our billionaire takedown.
So, I'll give you
some Molly Nation stickers and pins,
- and you can just go to town.
- Oh, we will go to town.
Me and Howard will go to town
on each other's bodies,
and on this assignment,
and then back on my body.
- Okay, well, I don't want to hear that.
- Ooh, stop that. Stop it.
But I do wish you good luck out there.
I love you.
I love you too, Fi-Fi.
I don't like that nickname.
- That's not up to you. Mm-hmm.
- You're right.
[mischievous music plays]
[Nicholas clears throat]
Oh. Ugh! I messed it up again.
[chuckles] We're just gonna have to
start over. We have to get this right.
- It's okay.
- [Molly] Oh. Here.
Nicholas, he's really staring at me.
- Do you think he might be concussed?
- Ah.
Oh. You're Molly Wells.
- I know about you from TikTok.
- Oh… [chuckles] …wow.
- Yeah, that's me.
- [chuckles]
It's not a big deal.
Nicholas says
I've really been blowing it out on there.
Blowing up, sweetie.
"Blowing up, sweetie."
My dad and all of
his rich hedge-fund friends hate you.
- [chuckles]
- [Nicholas] Ooh.
Almost as much as
they hate their own wives and children.
- Ah.
- Hmm.
The way that you're calling out
every other billionaire…
Shaming them by giving away
all your money.
I mean, you're a freaking hero.
Oh, no, I'm not a hero.
I mean, I do tend
to have some heroic qualities…
Hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no.
Do not doubt yourself, okay?
Okay.
You are incredible.
[stammers] You're the first
good rich person I think I've ever met.
Oh. [chuckles] There are plenty of us.
Me, Oprah.
Jersey Mike is actually very lovely.
Yeah.
Yeah, this is why you have a golden aura.
You look like a McDonald's sign.
Hey, Maro. What's my aura like?
- Black spiral going downward.
- Wow, that's accurate.
- He's good.
- Mm-hmm.
This is gonna sound really weird, but…
do you ever have dreams?
Uh, yeah.
[exhales deeply]
I knew it.
[chuckles] I do too.
[gasps]
- We need to talk about that van.
- Oh.
What are you doing, Howard?
You're not supposed to be in here.
[scoffs] What is the problem?
I gave you the money.
Yeah, exactly. That's the problem.
I… I don't understand.
Look, I live in a nine-bedroom mansion
and have a Japanese toilet
that knows the exact temperature
at which my tushy thrives,
and I am not going backwards.
- So you wanted me to say "no"?
- Yes.
Well, I couldn't.
Because I'm trying to be a better sister
to Destiny, and it's working.
She called me pretty. [chuckles]
Okay. Well, you picked a very
inconvenient time to start being nicer.
It's very simple, Howard.
If you don't want to live in a van
with Destiny, you could just tell her.
No. Then she'll leave me. I can't do that.
Do you have any idea how nice it is
to make post-coital nachos
with someone other than yourself?
Howard. Baby face and all,
you are an adult.
Have an adult conversation with Destiny.
I can't help you.
Suck it up and figure this out.
Okay, w-where was
this harsh Sofia energy when I needed it?
[mischievous music plays]
[Maro sighs]
That's his second giant sandwich
in ten minutes.
Why is it so hot?
I don't know.
All right. The gala is eight hours away.
So if I don't start getting ready now,
I'm gonna be late.
What? No, you can't leave. You've got
the bronco in a lasso right here.
- What?
- Maro likes you.
Have you not noticed how much
he's complimenting you and touching you?
No, no, no, no, no. He just has
a flat brain and is being friendly.
Uh, no one is just friendly to women.
[scoffs] That doesn't
make any sense, okay?
He's attracted to you.
So go flirt with him.
I can't do that. I have a boyfriend.
Yeah, one who's making you feel
colossally bad about yourself
right now, okay?
There is nothing wrong
with some young, hot thing
reminding you what a prize you are.
Babe, you are the big Snoopy at the fair,
and no one should
ever let you forget that.
No. Look, things aren't perfect
with me and Arthur right now,
but that doesn't mean
that I want… [inhales sharply]
…Maro to eat me
like that giant turkey sandwich.
Good Christmas.
[sighs] Oh, God. This is wrong.
Welcome to your new home!
- It's really cozy.
- I know, right?
Oh, my God. Okay.
So when you first walk in
right here is the living room.
- Oh. That's a little different area?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, and then under here
we have the library.
- Sorry.
- Yes.
Um, and then, uh,
right behind you is the playroom.
- See, I have all your little…
- That's just a Rubik's Cube.
Mm-hmm. 'Cause you like to play games.
[stammers] Where can I unpack my stuff?
Oh. There's a cabinet right behind you.
Look at that.
[sighs]
[Destiny] Yes.
See, van life really shows you
what you actually need. Right, babe?
We're gonna get through this
together, Goku.
Kamehameha.
Okay, babe. I need you to wash your hands.
I'm gonna make dinner.
But how does the water come out?
Oh, you just use
that hand pump right there.
Yeah. Just do that
about 60 or 70 more times,
and then brown water's gonna come out,
followed by clear water.
- Fun.
- Uh-huh. It's a process.
Yeah, it's like I'm getting a workout
and getting clean at the same time.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
What… What's the bathroom situation
on board?
I'm so happy you asked.
I would like for you to meet Phil.
Get it? 'Cause we're gonna fill it up
- with all of our…
- No, no, Destiny. No! No, no.
I cannot do this.
But, Howard, what is wrong with you?
Look, I am not cut out for van life.
Is this even a smart mattress?
Does it know I sleep hot?
I thought you were excited.
Look, baby, I… I said that
because I care about you, but if…
if this what you want,
just go ahead and break up with me.
But, FYI, I prefer a delicate touch.
Howard, baby, listen to me.
That's a great start.
Kind, but I hear the resolve.
[sighs] Howard,
I am not breaking up with you,
because I still want to be with you.
- Really?
- Yes.
Help me down.
Baby, if I have to choose between you
and this van life,
I'm choosing you every time.
Because you're my man.
- Yeah. Okay, yeah. Uh, I'm your man.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- I'm your man.
- Mm-hmm.
- Say it one more time.
- Baby, I'm your man.
[both chuckling]
Okay, you are so crazy.
I need you to help me move these things
back into the house,
and let's get one van quickie
before I get rid of this thing.
Girl, you know a quickie is my specialty.
- [exclaims]
- [laughs]
- Let's do it. [laughs]
- Come on, Howard!
I love it when guys have opportunities
to share their nipples.
It's, like, so equal.
Yeah. It's cool, isn't it?
- [chuckles]
- I like it too.
[chuckles]
Anyway, I'm sorry.
I hate to kick you out, Maro,
but I have to get ready for this gala.
Is everything okay?
Uh, no. [stammers]
It's just that when
you mentioned the gala,
your aura went from McDonald's golden
to KFC red.
- Oh? Is that bad?
- [chuckles] Yeah.
There's something about that party
that's bothering you.
Oh, no. Don't be silly.
- I'm very much looking forward to it.
- Hmm.
Here. Can I, um…
Can I give some of my energy to you?
I think so. Sure.
Oh, like that.
[sighs] Your hands feel
like two giant hot hams.
So I learned all about energy transfer
while hydrofoiling in "Ya-Pahn".
Maybe the talking is blocking the energy.
- Maybe less…
- So, my, um…
- My sensei Big Rob…
- Less words. Just less words.
…he taught me all about the ancient art…
- How about no words?
- …of "masaajuu".
Mm-mmm. No.
Shut the actual mouth. Just shut it.
[cell phone rings, buzzes]
- And the energy transfer is complete.
- [chuckles]
- [sighs, chuckles]
- [sighs]
- Thank you. Good boy.
- [mumbles]
- [ringing, buzzing continues]
- Um. Yeah.
[both chuckling]
Okay.
Ooh. Uh-oh.
Uh, sorry.
Hey. I'm… I'm so sorry.
I… I missed a few of your calls. Um…
[Arthur] Hey, listen, Mols.
I've been thinking.
This gala is important to you,
and I should be there to support you.
I wanna come.
- You do?
- [Arthur] Yeah.
I'll do some push-ups,
so my boobs look better when exposed
and wear the outfit.
Um, all right.
I'll head over in a bit. Love you.
I love you too.
- So…
- I'm gonna go ahead and leave, but, um…
Molly, if you ever find my toe…
just throw it back in the ocean.
Okay.
Taquito.
Taquito.
Baby, the post-coital nachos
are heating up in the…
[Marisol] Arthur's all dressed,
Miss Molly. Should I send him in?
Yes, of course.
[inhales deeply] Here he comes.
My fashion-forward king.
Master of insouciance.
Where's the pussy cape?
Can we FROC for a second?
[sighs] Sure. Let's fucking FROC.
I tried the P-word cape, Molly, and…
it looked ridiculous.
I… I can't wear that. I don't want to.
Okay, but my FROC is that
it was a couple's costume.
And if your outfit doesn't say "pussy,"
why does the lining
of my dress say "cock"?
That makes no sense.
Feels like you're unhappy.
That's accurate.
But not completely unhappy, right?
Because I am coming,
just not dressed how you wanted.
So it's what? Like, 10% unhappy?
- Fifteen percent?
- I don't know, Arthur.
I don't know what percent unhappy I am.
Why are you making me do math?
Because I am also 15% unhappy.
I wanna support you,
but I just really don't like
events like this.
- So we're both unhappy?
- Exactly.
And that's good?
Yes, of course it is.
That's the definition of compromise.
Both of us are a little unhappy,
but we're unhappy together.
Forever.
The car's ready, Miss Molly.
[sighs]
I'm sorry, Howard.
How'd you find out?
She called to say goodbye.
She wanted me to tell you something.
She said that it wasn't about you.
That you're the best guy she's ever dated.
That you're kind and handsome and funny.
And that whomever you end up with
will have won the lottery,
because, well, you're one in a billion.
Well…
And how much of that is her,
and how much of that is you?
Does it matter?
Because it's all true.
- Thanks for coming.
- Mm-hmm.
I can't believe she just left.
I know. I'm so mad at her right now.
I really thought
this time would be different,
but Destiny will always be Destiny.
People don't change, Howard.
You did.
I'm serious. I mean, you let her in.
You supported her.
That's gotta count for something.
Yeah, but she broke our hearts.
Yeah. It happens.
Sometimes people disappoint you.
Sometimes things get hard,
and they run away.
Take the easy path.
You just gotta hope
they eventually figure it out.
[indistinct chattering]
I'm so glad we figured this out.
Shall we?
["Blame" playing]
Mornings turn to night
And then the night… ♪
[paparazzi clamoring] Molly, Molly, Molly!
I can't keep up with time ♪
I keep losing
Still keep hoping for that win ♪
And you can't change my mind ♪
Ooh-la-la-la-la-la ♪
Then the crowd calls ♪
Ooh-la-la-la-la-la ♪
Who's gonna catch me
When I fall down? ♪