Mind Your Language (1977) s03e08 Episode Script

What's going on?
- What's the matter, Sid?
- You're walking over my floor.
What do you want us to do, fly?
I just washed it.
Not look very clean to me.
It did, until you went
trampling over it.
Come along you
three, back to your desks.
- I'll be a minute.
- Where you go?
If you must know, I'm going to
see a man about a dog. In you go.
Didn't I tell you
to wash this floor?
You did, but
Do it immediately, this
is disgraceful!
Hi, everyone there!
I must say it's nice to see you
all working hard for a change.
- We study for our
eximan. - Eximan?
In few weeks, we have eximan.
- The word is exam.
- Sorry, wrong number.
- Excuse me, Mr. Brown.
- Yes, Ms. Courtney?
I'm extremely worried about
the forthcoming examinations
particularly as far as your
English class is concerned.
Another failure
would be unthinkable.
This time we will sail through.
You had better.
However, in order to
reassure myself
I am visiting each class in
order to check out its progress.
I'm just on my way to
wood work class
but I should be back in
a few moments
to give your students
an oral test.
And I do expect some
correct answers.
- We'll do our best. - I
hope your best is good enough.
Do not worry, we will be
surprising Ms. Courtney.
That's exactly why I am worried.
- Professor - Yes?
- Did you buy the
dog? - What dog?
The one you go to
see the man about.
I went to spend a penny.
Very cheap dog.
I checked your home
work last night.
And you're still making far
too many elementary mistakes.
- For example,
Ali. - Yes please.
The letters OHMS stand
for, On Her Majesty Service
and not Only Hindus
Muslims, and Sikhs.
Jolly good.
A sex tet has nothing to
do with orgies.
- You wrong.
- I beg your pardon?
Last week I see a
film, Swedish sex tet.
Never mind what you saw, sex
tet means six people.
See! Like in the film there
were six big Swedish girls
with big
Look it up in you
dictionary and write
it out ten times.
Sui Lee, to complete
the phrase, 'as wise as'
but not Chairman Mao.
Chairman Mao was wiser
than everybody.
Yeah, but that's your opinion.
Anna, a sorcerer is a wizard and
not something you put a cup on.
Truly good.
Danielle, congratulations.
Absolutely perfect.
Thank you. But what
about my homework?
- I was referring to
your homework. - Oh.
Givani, the correct word to
describe a relative by marriage
is in-law, as in brother-in-law,
and not as you put out-law.
- It's the same thing.
- It is not the same thing.
- An out law is a bandit.
So is my brother-in-law.
I hope you find Ms. C
ourtney's questions
as amusing.
- She'll be here any
minute. - Excuse me
Don't interrupt. I tend to tolerate
your sfrivolous attitude
bit Ms. Courtney is a horse
of a different colour.
Oh blimy! You should not be
calling Ms. Courtney a horse.
I wasn't.
I wasn't, though there may
be a certain resemblance.
- Mr. Brown, please! - Just
a minute, I haven't finished.
As I was saying, Ms.
Courtney may not be
as tolerant as I
on the other hand, you
mustn't let her intimidate you.
She may be a bit of an old
girl, but she's only human.
Excuse please, Mr. Brown
What's happened to you? Why are
you constantly interrupting me?
I think they are trying to
indicate my presence, Mr. Brown.
Ms. Courtney, I
didn't hear you come in.
Obviously.
- How long have you been
here? - Long enough.
And now Mr. Brown, if
you don't mind
this horse of a different
colour, this human old girl
would like to find out how
clever your students are.
Well certainly. They
are all yours.
Now who would like to be first?
There's no rush of volunteers.
Nobody? Well, I will
ask a question
and anyone who
wishes may answer.
Now then
What is a a circumflex?
Oh, come along! Circumflex.
C I R C U
M F L E X.
I'm sure you know what
a circumflex is.
- Yes please. -
Good. What is it?
No milk today.
I beg your pardon!
So sorry. Circumflex
is an accent mark.
Would you give me that piece
of paper, please?
Which piece of paper?
The piece you
are hiding in your hand.
You are meaning, this one?
Thank you.
- Mr. Brown Mr.
Brown. - Yes?
Would you wait in the
corridor until I have finished
with your students?
Well, I
Good. And shut the
door after you.
- Mr. Brown - Yes.
You might as well take along this.
You may need it for your milkman.
- I am a foreigner
- Wrong. You are English.
Well, just imagine
I'm a foreigner.
Please Ms. Courtney
what kind of a
foreigner are you be?
- Does it matter? - Oh yes.
How can we be imagine
when we are not
know what to be imagine.
Very well, I am Russian.
And if anyone says why I
am Russian, I shall scream.
Now you
I approach you in the
street and say
'please will you
tell me the time? '
- What is your reply? - Time
you bought yourself a watch.
- That is extremely rude.
- I do not like Russians.
Let's try some
general knowledge.
Mr. Singh, where is Sydney?
Not the caretaker, the city.
- Thousand
apologies. - Anybody?
- Australia. - Good.
What can you tell me about
the Duke of Windsor?
- Which one? - There's
only one Duke of Windsor.
Not so. Near where
I live, there are
three Duke of Windsor.
Two Dukes of Cambridge, and
one Prince of Wales.
I was referring to the
person, not the public house.
Does anyone know what
the letters GC means?
Givani Cupero.
- George Cross.
- What class is he in?
I don't think I
can stand anymore.
- Mr. Brown
- Finished already?
I am leaving while I still
retain some shred of sanity.
You obviously didn't
give her very good answers.
Not our fault, the
questions were too difficult.
You just have to work harder.
It's almost time to go now.
Don't forget your
homework. See you tomorrow.
Oh good! Not again?
Haven't you finished
yet, Sydney?
I washed it twice.
Wash it again, it's
still dirty.
Time to go home, Ali?
Oh blimy! I'm not
wanting to go home.
What's the matter?
Can I speak to you most
confidentially?
Yes, ofcourse you
can. Right away.
What's your problem?
You see, my wife, Rehana, she's
becoming another person.
Oh dear! Have you
tried hormones?
What are you meaning?
I don't know much about
these sex changes.
Oh no, she's not
doing anything like that.
But you just said
she's becoming another person.
She's becoming another lady
person, not man person.
You mean she is behaving
differently.
Yes please. She's
making phone calls.
And when I'm coming in, she's
hanging up, chup chup.
At night times, she
is going out
leaving me in the house
with the baby.
Ah! I'm beginning
to see daylight.
Ofcourse. It is
not being dark yet.
- You have just had a baby.
- No, my wife had the baby.
It's natural. Lots of women
change after they've had babies.
It's called post-natal depression.
I'm sure she'll get over it.
Some nights, she is not
letting me sleep with her.
Have you thought of
getting her a nanny?
Oh blimy! She would
not be letting me
sleep with a nanny.
- I mean, a help with the
baby. - Sorry please.
I also think she ought
to see a doctor.
No, she is not
liking doctors very much.
- She ought to talk to somebody.
- Perhaps you could talk to her.
- Me? - Yes please.
- I hardly think I'm qualified.
- You must be helping me.
I'll come home with you tonight.
Let's see what we can do.
Jolly good.
- Good night, Sid.
- Good night, Sid.
Hello, my beloved.
Baby's fed, curry's in
oven. I'm going out.
Where are you going?
Please to be minding your
own business.
I'm bringing Mr. Brown home.
Hello Mr. Brown. It is good of
you to be keeping Ali company.
- Well, actually came
to - Have a nice evening.
Do not be waiting
up for me, Ali.
See! See what I am meaning.
Where is she going, what is
she doing, who is she seeing?
But you wait here. I'll follow
her and see where she's going.
I can't be staying late tonight,
I think Ali is getting suspicious.
Enter.
I've got the stock
room keys back.
Thank you, Sid. If you see Gladys,
tell her she can take my tray.
Take my tray.
Not you Gladys.
You're wearing
a black tie, Sydney?
Yes, I've been mourning. 28
years to the day it happened.
- The death of a loved
one? - No, I got married.
You male chauvinist pig.
- Pardon? - Pig.
Oh, you've met the
wife, have you?
That will do, Sydney.
You're the man I want.
I want some advise from
a man with experience.
Oh, I've been about a
bit. What do you want to now?
Well, I need your
help, as a married man.
Oh, I'm sorry. In the dark?
- I'm not married, you
are. - Don't remind me.
Look son, if you are thinking
of taking the plunge, forget it.
It's worst than doing porridge.
Now what can I
give you advise on?
I've changed my mind. I don't
think you are qualified help.
I'll ask Ms. Courtney.
Is it time already? - What
time are you referring to?
Lesson time.
Oh no, Rehana is
coming to see Mr. Brown.
This is Sid, our caretaker.
She's Mrs. Nadeem, the
wife of Ali.
And very nice too.
Don't tell Ali I've been here.
We are making for
him a surprise.
It is thank you party for
being such god husband
and giving me beautiful baby.
But, we are not wanting
him to be finding out.
Already, he's most suspicious
with me going out
to arrange
everything with Ranjit.
Don't worry, I
won't tell a dicky.
Never mind his dicky.
- Ali should not be finding out.
- That's what I just said.
- When is the
surprise? - Tonight.
You are welcome to be coming
if up are wishing.
Jamila is making lovely food, and
Gladys is making delicious cake.
- Please, where is Mr. Brown?
- He's in Ms. Courtney's office.
Good. I must be asking him to
keep Ali late after class
so all students can
be arriving for party
before he is getting home.
While you are
seeing Mr. Brown
I'll go to be
speaking with Ms. Gladys.
Oh good. And you can
buy me a nice cup of tea.
See you later, love.
See who that is, Mr. Brown.
It's her! Ali's
wife. What does she want?
Are you sure you didn't tell
Ali about her affair?
Positive. I just told
him I lost her.
Perhaps she wants to confide in
you because you are Ali's friend.
Couldn't she confide in you?
Certainly not. It is your
problem, you will deal with it.
I'll leave you alone.
Mr. Brown will see you now.
Sorry about that. Come
in, Rehana. Sit down.
I am wanting to
be asking you something.
Before you do, I've got something
to tell you. Please sit down.
I'm being waiting.
Yes Firstly, tell me
something. Do you love Ali?
- Oh yes, very much
indeed. - Good good.
What I have to say
is rather delicate
but you and Ali are both
sensible and intelligent people.
Thank you.
And you are married
for almost two years now
and you now have a
lovely little baby.
Yes.
I want you to know
that I understand
how these things can happen.
- What things? -
Not babies, but
I'll say it another way.
When two people have
been married for a while
sometimes,
familiarity creeps in.
Two people living together,
doing the same thing
day after day. Seeing the same
faces. It's only natural
that occasionally, one of the
party feels something is missing.
Some excitement perhaps.
So it's never unusual
in these occasions
for one of the parties
to meet somebody else
to try to recapture the
first flush of romance.
- Mr. Brown
- Please, let me finish
Let me say just one thing.
A vital question you must ask yourself
is whether to likely throw
away what you have already
for some passing
infatuation
or to rise above
it and start afresh.
To err is human, and
to forgive, divine.
- That's all I have
to say. - Oh, I see.
Now what is it you
want to ask me?
No, it is not important now.
Well Mr. Brown, how
did you manage?
Extremely well I think.
I was very tactful. I
think she got the message.
- Are you alright?
- It is Mr. Brown.
He is telling
me something terrible.
- What is it? - It is my Ali.
He is having an
affair with another woman.
Hello Ranjit.
Good evening, oh wise
and illustrious one.
I wish I could say
the same about you.
Before the other students arrive,
I have something to tell you.
I know everything.
That is why I am calling you
most wise and illustrious.
I mean about what
you and Ali's wife
have been up to.
Thousand apologies.
I think it is Ali you
should be apologizing to.
Why should I be
apologizing to Ali?
For your behavior. After
all, she's his wife.
I'm knowing that. That is why we
are keeping it secret from him.
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
Oh no, I'm very pleased
to be doing it.
Yes, you are.
I am sure, if she is
asking you to do the same
you'll be most happy to oblige.
I hardly think so!
Please, not to be telling Ali.
Well, I won't, for
his sake, not yours.
Good. We are not wanting him to
be finding out before tonight.
Why tonight?
Tonight, he'll
be knowing everything.
- Are you going to tell him?
- No, he'll be seeing for himself.
- Good Lord! - It
will be a big surprise.
It will be a shock.
You are also coming to
the party tonight.
What party?
The one we have
been arranging for Ali.
I'm getting a bit confused.
You are saying you are
knowing everything.
Yeah, I just realized I don't know
as much as I thought I did.
Now tell me something, Ranjit.
Have you been seeing Ali's wife?
Most certainly. To be
arranging the party for him
tonight at 10 O'clock.
And it's all just a party? Oh!
This is an English class. I think
I expect you to speak English.
No more Spanish
greeting, good evening.
- Good evening Senor
Brown. - That's better.
Bona sera.
Hey, no bona
sera, speak in English.
Don't you ask me to speak in
English, you great Spanish onion.
I punch your face, you
Italian ice-cream!
- Alright, sit down.
- You tell him, Senor.
I'm telling both of
you. You sit down.
Now I'll tell you
what I told Van.
This is an English
class. When you arrive here
I expect you to
speak in English.
No more bona
sera, good evening.
Okay.
I give up!
Good evening, Jamila.
I have knit for you, a scarf.
Very kind of you.
Very patriotic.
But quite long.
It is be start as
pair of sockies
but I am forget to
turn round heel
so I make it
little bit more longer.
Thank you very much. Sure
it will come in useful.
Good evening.
Right now
before we go on
before we go any
further this evening
the education authority is
taking some kind of census
and require these
forms filled in.
It is self explanatory,
Complete them now
and if you have any problems,
don't hesitate to ask.
That's what I'm here for.
I have a problem.
How can you have a problem?
You haven't even looked at the form yet
No pen.
- Everyone else has a
pen? - Yes professor.
All you have to do is put your
surnames, your first name
your address in England, your
birth, occupation
sex, your marital status, and
what subject you've taken.
- Excuse me. - Yes Givani?
I have a problem with
my first names.
- Surely you know
them. - Sure.
- So what's the problem?
- I can't get them on the paper.
Putjust as many
names as you can.
Okay boss.
Mr. Brown, please.
I do not know the name of the
hospital where I was born.
You don't have to put the
hospital, just the town.
- Just the town? - Have
you put the hospital too?
No. Place where born bed.
- Finished. - Good.
Correction not so good.
The correct answer to sex is
not 'atleast once a week'.
You should put male or female.
Not sex with male.
Only female.
Excuse me, please. I'm
being late.
You almost missed the census.
Rehana is still
being very mysterious.
Don't worry, everything
will be alright.
Tonight at 10 O'clock, all
will be revealed.
Are you really sure Ali is
knocking about with another girl?
Yes. Mr. Brown would
not be telling me lies.
All with roving
eyes, these men.
Doesn't deserve a
party like this.
I am being so unhappy.
- I know what I
would do. - What?
Kick him out!
Ali's heights!
- He's being unfaithful.
- He behave like an animal.
- He deserves what
he gets. - He does.
Hello beloved.
Don't you beloved me!
Oh blimy! What are
you doing that for?
You very bad man. You!
Mr. Brown is telling me you
are having girlfriend.
You damn fool! Why
you saying that for?
I didn't. You
obviously misunderstood me.
You are nearly breaking
up my marriage.
I'm sorry, Ali.
It is you I should be
throwing cake at.
Please. You cannot be
throwing cake at Mr. Brown.
I will do it!