The Brady Bunch (1969) s03e08 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
♪
CAROL: Bobby, come on!
♪
That guy's been following us
all over the market.
JAN: Why does he keep looking at us
through his hands?
Just ignore him, and let's get going.
Hi, there.
Oh, you are it, you are really it.
We are what?
Yeah, I've been looking
for weeks, for months.
Oh, this is exactly right.
The whole ball of wax.
Uh, look, I'm a TV director.
Here, read this and then we'll rap.
"Skip Farnum Film Enterprises"?
Yeah, that's my company.
We make commercials.
Commercials?
FARNUM: Yeah, TV commercials.
For the big tube.
Well, look, we want you and your kids
and your husband all on TV
selling our groovy product "Safe"
the greatest little
laundry soap in the world.
Us, in a TV commercial?
Yeah.
Wow, that would be so much fun!
( Kids talking excitedly )
MARCIA: Alice! Yeah?
I'll help in a minute.
I've just got to tell Jane
the fantastic news!
Oh, no you don't! I got the phone first!
What fantastic news?
Alice, you won't believe it!
It's crazy! Wait till I tell Mike.
I'll believe it, I'll believe it, what?!
Alice, did you hear about it?
Yeah, I heard all about it
except what it's all about.
We're going to be on television!
You're going to be on television?
Hey, you're going to be on television?
Yeah, we're gonna do a commercial
for a funny man
who looks through his hands!
Looks through his hands?
And you're going
to shoot the commercial
right here in our house, Mr. Farnum?
Yeah, I got to lay on a little realism
you know, the natural look.
Read, enjoy I got to go scan the pad.
Wow, look at the size of that contract
for a one-minute commercial.
Yeah
You'd think we were doing
Gone with the Wind.
Oh, groovy, man.
Yeah.
Who are you, pussycat?
W-w-w-well, I'm Pussycat Alice.
Oh, that face is, like, real.
It's organic.
Oh, you're definitely
in the commercial, pussycat.
Oh, that's who you are Mr. Farnum.
Yeah.
Uh, did Mr. Farnum go?
Um, no, he's around here somewhere,
um, scanning the pad.
Dad, I hate to be crass
about a thing like this,
but does that contract
mention anything about loot?
We get paid, yes.
Out of sight.
Is it a lot?
Well, uh, considering
the amount of work we do,
um, yeah, it's out of sight.
Wow!
Wait a minute, mister.
The money we make
is going into all our savings accounts.
Maybe we could just have
some of it now,
for something a little special?
Maybe just a little, Mike?
Well, maybe a little.
Thanks, Dad.
Gaze on that amplifier.
That must cost a bundle.
Ah, maybe a couple hundred dollars.
You're dreaming.
Nope, I am buying!
With what?
You printing your own money?
The money we'll get for
doing the TV commercial.
Dad said we could have a little of it now.
You call a couple hundred dollars a little?
A drop in the bucket.
You make a fortune on a TV commercial.
Wow.
I could buy that neat electric train outfit.
I bet I could have a minibike.
After this commercial,
we'll do another one.
We'll make thousands.
Millions.
Maybe more.
I'm so excited
about doing the commercial.
Me, too.
What's the matter with me?
I don't have dates anymore.
Could it be my breath?
I used to have the same trouble.
Now I use Dazzle.
It kills everything in your mouth,
including your gums.
My trouble is my curls just
won't stand up in the rain.
They get all frizzled.
Next time, try Spring.
It winds your curls up so tight,
it lifts you right off the ground.
( Girls giggling )
I wasn't you.
Oh, honey, aren't you finished yet?
( Exasperated sigh )
I tell ya, I cannot make head nor tails
out of this show business
legal double talk.
I think I better have our attorney check it.
All of that just to sell a little soap?
Oh, yeah,
but not just soap, honey Safe.
Oh, a thousand pardons, sir.
The next time I mention another brand,
I'll wash my mouth out with Safe.
Well, to tell you the truth,
I don't know how you tell
all those brands apart, you women.
Well, it isn't easy.
You know, we used to
use Clear and Bright
until we found out
it turned our water dim and dark.
And that's when we switched.
To what? Help!
Except we found out
that Help didn't help.
And so that's when we turned
to Champ, the Dirt Fighter.
Oh, not Champ, the Dirt Fighter.
( Grunting )
Yes, but we found out that Champ
couldn't take the Brady dirt
and lost the title.
And don't keep me in suspense.
Well, then
that's when we switched to Best.
When did you start using Safe?
Oh, I forgot, uh
right between Champ and Best.
Hold it, honey,
you mean,
we switched from Safe to Best?
Right, because Best
is best.
Well, yeah,
but how are we going to get up
in front of millions of people and lie?
What do you mean?
Well, look, we can't
do a commercial about Safe
if you're still using Best.
What, do you mean to say
that all those people that do commercials
really use the products?
Well, I don't know,
but I think they should.
At least I think we should,
because otherwise it's a fraud.
Gee, I never really thought of it like that.
You know what? What?
I think I had better call up Mr. Farnum
and tell him it's off.
Oh, Mike.
Oh, the kids are going
to be so disappointed.
It's a bummer.
Yeah, we practically had
all that money right in our hands.
Why would I be a fraud?
I don't even use
any kind of laundry soap.
That's not the point.
If we're all in the commercial,
it's like we're all saying
something that's not true.
Get it?
Gee, one minute we're millionaires,
the next minute we're broke again.
You know, Alice,
I think we set a record
for the shortest career in show business.
Yeah.
For one, brief, shining moment there
I was Pussycat Alice.
( Phone rings )
Brady residence.
Hi, Mr. Brady.
Yeah, she's right here.
Hi, honey.
Carol, I just called Farnum
to tell him the commercial was off.
I hope he wasn't angry with us.
No, no, no, not at all.
Uh, but he did tell me
something important.
What?
We've never used Safe.
Honey, we went through
all that last night.
I told you I did
No, not this Safe.
You used the old one.
This is the new and improved Safe.
Just came on the market last week.
New and improved?
Right, and if we've never used it,
maybe it is better than Best.
Then we just test them both and find out.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
Then it would be perfectly
fair and honest, right?
Right, and if Safe
washes cleaner than Best,
we do the commercial, right?
Yeah, right.
Oh, that's great, honey.
Bye.
Alice, round up the kids.
We've got a Brady
wash-a-thon coming up.
A wash-a-who?
Yeah, there's going to be a showdown
at the old washing machine.
Safe against Best.
And may the better soap win.
Okay, now, you all know what
you're supposed to do, right?
KIDS: Right.
Well, kids, I never thought
I'd be saying this,
but I want you to go outside and get dirty.
Okay!
All right!
GREG: You asked for it.
Now, Alice, you're the
only one who will know
which clothes you washed
with which soap.
And your lips are sealed, okay?
Oh, sealed ( mumbling )
Okay, Pete, let me have it.
My pleasure, sir.
( laughing )
Okay, that ought to be enough.
Pete, that's enough.
Make it real mushy.
I will.
Okay, that looks good.
Okay, remember, smush it
all over each other.
Okay, ready?
Ready. Ready.
Get your hands in there.
One, two, three smush!
( laughing and squealing )
Are you ready?
Ready.
On your mark
Get set
Go!
( Screaming happily )
( laughing and squealing )
Oh, hi, honey.
You're just in time for the judging. Mm.
On the left is pile "A,"
and on the right is pile "B."
Which one do you think is the cleanest?
Well
( chuckles )
Well, uh
Well?
I'd say pile "A."
Well, then, that makes it unanimous.
I vote for pile "A."
Well, Alice, which soap is Safe
"A" or "B"?
The winner is
the envelope, please.
The winner is
Well, it says pile "A,"
but I can't remember whether pile "A"
is Best or Safe.
Oh, no.
What are we gonna do about it?
Oh, no problem, Mr. Brady.
Kids, put your old clothes
back on and dirty up again.
MIKE: Well, this time I say pile "B."
Pile "B."
Unanimous again.
Okay, the winner is
pile "B" is Safe.
Then we do the commercial.
TV, here we come!
Well, there you are, Mr. Farnum.
We're all signed, sealed and delivered.
Out of sight.
Everything checks out, Skip.
No problems, easy to light.
Crazy.
Okay, you folks study your script.
We're gonna be here Saturday
morning bright and early
to grind the cameras.
Come on, man, let's split.
Hey, now, listen, are you sure? Uh
Mr. Farnum, excuse me.
Uh, do you think we might get a chance
to rehearse the script?
Yeah, 'cause, you know,
we've never done this before.
Hey, come on, cool it, man.
Listen, don't worry about a thing.
You just learn those lines
and leave the rehearsing to me.
Ciao.
Right this way, Skip.
Yeah, cool.
Hey, that "no rehearsal" bit is just great.
You really got it up here, Skip.
Man, I got it everywhere.
And it's a real natural family, too.
Cool. And that's the way
they're going to stay, dig?
I'm getting cold feet.
Cold feet?
Yeah, have you read this thing?
Boy, that's not going to be easy
doing all this that we're
supposed to be doing.
You mean holding up a box of soap?
No, I mean holding it up
and not looking like we're
stupid.
I wonder
What?
You know Laura's cousin
is an actress Mierna Carter?
Oh, yeah, Myrna.
No, she calls herself "Mierna."
Well, she's not important
or anything like that,
but why couldn't we call her
and ask her for a few tips?
Great. Call her.
Come on, call her.
MIKE ( stiffly ): Hi, honey.
Here's that box of Safe
you wanted from the market.
CAROL: Thanks, dear.
And just in time.
I was down to my last cupful of Safe.
So was the market.
Safe really outsells all other brands.
That's because Safe cleans
all things better all ways.
I just couldn't do without Safe.
It's the only brand I feel safe with.
( Chuckles nervously )
No, no
Kids, I'm sorry, but it's all wrong.
Oh, Mierna, I'm so glad we called you.
Would you please tell us what to do?
Yeah, what's wrong?
Well, you know, you're just reading it.
No one's going to believe it,
you know what I mean?
Um, you're not motivated.
Motivated?
MIERNA: Yeah.
How do you mean?
Oh, well, um, I mean
like what's your attitude
when you say your lines?
What are you thinking?
How do you how do you feel?
You know, about what you're saying?
I never thought of all that.
I didn't, either.
That's important?
Important?
Oh, wow, like like,
motivation is everything.
I mean, it's what gives
the meaning and the emotion
to acting, you know?
Could we try it again?
Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure.
What you're saying
Michael, Michael, um
Michael, you think about it this way:
You think about all the guys at your office
and how they've been telling you
how great your shirts look.
Mike, how clean.
And that makes you proud, Mike, proud,
because you know it's because of Safe.
You see, Mike?
That's the motivation that
gives you the attitude, right?
Yeah, right, yeah.
Okay, okay, so you think
about being at the office.
Yeah, yeah.
And, Carol, Carol, you're thinking
you're thinking, "Wow,
he brought me a box of that stuff."
And that makes you happy
because your husband's proud
of the way you wash his shirts.
See? ( Laughs )
Okay, I'll try.
Good, good, good.
And remember, lots of energy.
Keep it up there
because acting is bigger than life.
Listen, Myrna
Mierna. Mierna.
Uh, Mierna,
I don't think I can do this.
Oh, no, no, no.
You're doing fine.
You're getting it. Really, you are.
Hey, Mike Mike, the seed is there.
All you have to do
is let it grow, you know?
Let it grow, right?
Okay, now let's try it again.
And remember,
up there, energy, bigger than life.
Okay?
Yeah, okay. Come on.
Hi, honey.
Here's that box of Safe you wanted
from the office.
Uh, the market.
CAROL ( loudly ):
Thanks, dear and just in time!
I was down to my last cupful of Safe.
So was the market.
Boy, it really outsells all other brands.
Good, good, good,
good, that's really good.
Only, a little bit bigger, though.
Because you gotta
you gotta grab that audience,
you know what I mean? Bigger?
Yes. One more time now.
Come on.
Okay.
Give me my Safe.
MIKE: Hi, honey.
Here's the box of Safe
that you wanted from the market.
Hmm, motivation, huh?
Bigger than life, hmm?
I think I'm going to try
some of that myself.
Parents, kids
Housekeeper. Housekeeper, yeah.
In that order: Parents, kids, housekeeper.
Groovy. Okay, good.
Okay, now, team.
I want you to listen
to what I'm laying down.
Now, love, you're over there
at the counter,
see, you're making with the greenery.
Then, pops, you come flipping in,
and you lay this box of
flakes on the little lady,
then you have a little rap session,
and then we cut, dig?
I think so. Groovy.
Excuse me, Mr. Farnum,
but when do we get to rehearse?
Oh, we're not going to rehearse.
Oh, don't worry.
Now trust me, pussycat,
it's just going to be great.
Just going to be great.
Here, you stand over here.
Now just trust me.
Groovy, groovy.
Oh my rock.
Come on, let's make film.
Let me check the shot.
Yeah, groovy.
Okay, let's crank one up.
Okay, kids, right in there.
Rolling.
Speed.
Action.
( Stiffly ): Hi, honey.
Here's that box of Safe
that you wanted from the market.
Wow
And just in time.
I was down to my last cupful of Safe!
Cut!
Stop.
Stop, stop.
What was that?
I mean, where's that Mrs. America
that I dug in the parking lot?
And you, pops, my rock.
Man, you look like you flew in
from a feather factory.
I was motivating.
I was thinking of the boys in the office.
What boys in the office?
The ones who keep telling me
how clean my shirts are.
Yeah, and I was thinking,
"Wow, he brought me a box of that stuff."
Oh, you're putting me on, right?
Well, I was working on an attitude.
Me, too.
Attitude?
Well, I'll give you an attitude: Relax.
Look, come in here
for one minute, will you?
Just go in there and cool it, all right?
Now just unwind,
just sit down and unwind,
and I'll get back to you in a minute.
Hey, man, are the kids ready?
The kids are ready, Skip. Groovy.
All right, let's move it, now, in a hurry.
Are the kids ready?
KIDS: Ready! All right, let's move it.
I don't know what happens
when you put a camera
on a bunch of squares
they just flip out.
Baby, baby, just cool it.
It's going to be fine. Yeah, okay, okay.
Okay, great, great.
Okay, kids, be ready now.
All right.
Rolling.
Speed.
Action.
Cut, cut, cut!
Kids, what's with all this dirt?
We were supposed to be
out playing, Mr. Farnum.
In a swamp?
Well, we made ourselves
extra dirty on purpose.
Yeah, 'cause we know
Safe cleans anything!
We were motivated.
Motiv oh, man.
Nobody up there digs me.
Come on, out, out.
Get out now, now.
Get yourself cleaned up.
Now, dirty okay, but blech, no.
Out, come on, come on.
Let's go, let's go, out.
Hey, man, the housekeeper.
Is the housekeeper ready?
Housekeeper's ready, Skip.
All right, let's move it
back. Come on, move it.
Is the housekeeper ready?
Come on, let's go, let's go.
It's costing bread, don't you understand?
Take it easy, Skip. Okay, all right,
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
All right, housekeeper,
be ready now. Be ready.
ALICE: Ready. Rolling.
Speed.
Action.
Oh, no, no, stop, stop, cut!
Did I do something wrong?
What was that,
the dance of the good fairy?
And what's with that spaghetti?
Look, I was motivating.
Motivating!
Well, I figured that Safe
washed clothes so fast
I had time to go to the beauty parlor.
Okay now I'm motivating.
Everybody, everybody
come in here, please.
Everybody in here.
Now, look, I want you to know
that this whole gig is off.
Kaput! I mean,
the whole thing is a washout.
My nice, natural family
is just a bunch of ding-a-lings.
We were only trying
to be helpful, Mr. Farnum.
We took some acting lessons.
We just wanted to be bigger than life.
Well, you'll be bigger, but not in my life.
Now come on, get out.
Out. Out of my house. All of you.
This is my house.
Hmm? Oh.
Come on, man, let's split.
Wrap it up.
Hey, wait a minute.
You know, this whole scene reminds me
of that horrible actress we worked with?
What was? Mierna Carter.
That's the nut Myrna Carter!
No, Mierna.
FARNUM: Mierna, Myrna, I don't care!
She blew my mind back there!
Alice, would you come
here a minute, please?
I still don't understand
this special delivery letter I got.
It must be quite a letter.
I think you've read it
at least six times since this morning.
Well, would you sit down
and listen to this?
"In compliance with our
contractual agreement,
"Skip Farnum Film Enterprises
"will meet its obligation of payment.
"As to manner of payment,
we refer you to Section 12, Article C,
Paragraph 42 of contract."
Now what do you suppose they mean
by "manner of payment"?
Sorry, Hungarian goulash I understand.
Legal goulash I don't.
Well, I guess we'll just have to wait
for Mr. Brady to get home.
Maybe he'll know.
( Engine rumbling )
What in the world?
One of you Mrs. Brady?
I'm Mrs. Brady.
Got a delivery for you.
I don't remember ordering anything.
Maybe Mr. Brady did.
Excuse me
( sighs )
Sign here.
What am I signing for?
It's from Farnum Film Enterprises.
Safe laundry soap.
( laughs )
Guess what they meant
by "manner of payment"?
48 boxes of soap?
Down, Harry.
48 boxes?
Lady, you got 2,000 boxes coming.
Where do you want them?
Where do you want them, lady?
Oh, Alice.