Maron (2013) s03e09 Episode Script

This is exciting, isn't it? First production meeting of your own pilot.
No, no, no, it's already a disaster.
D-Didn't you read that E-mail from the producer? - Uh - He wants to make the set my garage.
- He wants to do a garage set.
- Oh.
That's ridiculous.
We've got to fight that.
Oh, you don't like the idea of the set as a garage? - No! Do you? - Oh, God, no.
I mean, it's stupid.
I mean, it'd be all bullshitty and fake.
It'd look ridiculous.
It'd be like it'd be like vaudeville.
I I quit.
I don't want Wait, wa-dup-dup-dup.
Sit yourself down.
Thank you.
You've quit already, haven't you, in the car this morning, 'cause of all the red lights? - Marc, Emily.
- Hey, Terrence.
- Good to see you.
- You too, my love.
Okay, we're kissing that guy? Okay.
Is there a problem, guys? Um, well, I mean, he doesn't love the idea of the garage as a set.
Okay.
It's ridiculous! I mean, what, are you gonna just What are we gonna do with a garage set? Are you gonna put fake bookshelves? Are there gonna be mikes that don't work? Everything you're saying makes sense.
So, w How do you even conceive of the garage in your mind? Is it like there's a car in there? Is there a car in there? Am I doing the show in a car? No, no.
Marc, I We're right here.
I see it the way you see it.
You're not gonna try to talk me into it? No, I don't want to talk you into anything.
I mean, my job, as the producer of this show, is to make the show that you want to make.
Oh.
Oh, that's that's nice.
Come on, you're Marc Maron.
This show is your vision and your vision alone.
Oh.
Still want to quit? Sorry.
So you tell me what do you want the set to look like? Uh - Chairs.
- Chairs.
Chairs, good.
Good start.
How many? Well, we're gonna need two at least.
- Two.
- Two chairs? That's a good start.
And then probably some more in the back.
I have not really fully realized - my conception of a vision.
- W-We'll just brainstorm.
When it comes to you, just let me know.
Do you ever have that, like, weird tingling in your hands? This isn't the time for that conversation.
Whoa.
Won't fall for it You can't see And you can't tell I just can't drink from the poisoned well I'm overwhelmed, man.
I can't, uh Like, the tips of my fingers are numb.
Is that a thing? It's just stress.
You know, I hate to break it to you, but you're successful and from what I hear, that can be a strain.
I don't have any personal experience with success, but I've read some articles and seen some documentaries.
But look would you rather be Marc Maron or Stu Carbone rest in peace dead and obscure in a shit box in the middle of nowhere? What choice would you make? By the way, I'm doing fine.
Thanks for asking.
My agent thinks he may be able to get me a gig at the Shalom Rest Home.
Fingers crossed! What are you saying? Are you saying something? No, no, I was just talking to myself.
Ah.
I do that.
Yeah.
- God damn it.
- Bad news? This model keeps texting me.
Oh.
My heart goes out to you.
I mean, I was thinking about, "Should I kill myself?" - What do you think? - Are we eating these bagels? - What's happening? - I don't know.
I'm so sick of these guys in their Maseratis and Teslas.
It's like, "Hey, cliché man, it's not all about what you drive, okay?" Right? I barely even think about cars.
Yeah.
Seems like you barely even clean it.
Oh, well, thank you for noticing.
Nervous? No, I just My I have this weird tingling in my hands.
Like, they sometimes fall asleep, but they're fine sometimes, but then they get numb, my fingers do, and now it's all pins and needles.
Yeah, sure.
My dad used to get that.
Really? Yeah.
Turned out to be M.
S.
M.
S.
?! Oh, my God! Because, like, my hands are tingling, my feet are tingling, my ear is, like, like, ringing sometimes.
This eye doesn't focus, really, sometimes.
M.
S.
?! Whoa, I'm sorry.
Uh, I meant to say it's sad about your dad.
Yeah.
I don't know what I said, but that's what I was thinking the whole time.
- You got there.
- Yeah.
I just You know, I got a little caught up.
Let me get your door, lady.
Thank you.
What a gentleman.
I know, right? I can't catch my breath.
It's okay.
You're having a panic attack.
Yeah? Here, breathe into this.
Oh, my God.
It smells so gross.
I don't know what's worse having a panic attack or that I ate what was in this bag.
My brother used to have panic attacks.
Did he get over them? Yeah, sort of.
He jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge.
- What?! - No, it's okay.
He lived.
He's in a documentary about people who jumped and survived.
Oh, I heard about that.
Except for now he's a little bit more panicked because he keeps reliving that moment of impact.
Well, at least he's okay otherwise, right? Pretty much.
Except for he eats through a tube.
- That's tough.
- Oh.
- Look, I - Look - All right, you go, you go.
- No, you.
All right.
You're great.
I'm having a great time.
But I am, like, out of my mind.
I'm just crazy, and I don't think - I can do a dating thing right now.
- Are you sure? Oh.
Oh, I bet I know something that can calm you down.
Oh, yeah.
I'm just not feeling it.
So hot.
No, I can't feel my hand.
I've never had a guy play hard to get before.
Kind of a turn-on.
How about Friday? Okay, maybe.
I don't know if I'll be able to walk, though.
What'd you take your clothes off for? I thought I was supposed to.
Give me your hands.
All right.
Those are good.
Do you feel this? Yeah.
Okay, those are good.
Are you a real doctor? Mm-hmm, went to school and everything.
Now I want you to hold out your arms and wiggle your fingers.
Okay, a little faster.
- Faster.
- Really? Excellent.
Any pain or discomfort? I d Does feeling like an idiot count? Oh, I'm sorry.
Y I'm just stressed.
You know, I got this tingling, random numbness in my body.
Yes, I understand.
Now, with your head still facing forward, take off your glasses.
With your head still facing forward, I want you to raise your eyes to the ceiling, then down at the floor.
Okay, very good.
Now make circles with your eyes.
Okay.
Looks good.
Everything seems fine.
Those are the tests? I mean, what Why don't you hook me up to a machine so I don't feel like I'm in the old country, here? Oh, no, trust me.
I could put you through all kinds of fancy machines, but why run up your co-pay? These tests are just as effective.
Are they, really, though? Because, like, what if I have M.
S.
or a brain tumor? I mean, I-I think I need an MRI.
It's really not necessary.
Yeah, but I kind of feel like I need one.
Please.
Fine, if it makes you feel better, I'll go ahead and order an MRI.
Really? So it's serious? What's that noise? Does this thing need oil or something? Please remain as still as possible.
When you guys asked if I was claustrophobic, you didn't say I would be in a tube.
It's very specific.
I can picture myself freaking out.
I don't think I'm gonna do it, though.
Hey, you did great in there.
Oh, good.
Thanks.
That's a skill I didn't know I had being cool in a tube for 45 minutes.
Maybe I'll put it on my résumé.
So, uh, did you see the results? I'm the tech.
I saw everything.
Okay.
Well, what's going on? Uh, well, I'm not a doctor.
I can't say anything.
But but you know, right? I'm not allowed to say.
So you're telling me if you saw a golf-ball-sized tumor on my hypothalamus, you couldn't say anything to me? Sir, please, you'll have to discuss this with your doctor.
Oh, is there something to discuss now? There's a problem? Why can't you just be straight with me? It's my life.
Sir, the results will be sent to your doctor.
Wow, that's some job you have, pal.
- Sir.
- Yes.
Take care of yourself.
They're not self-help books, but I'm actually now I'm reading psych psychology texts.
- Yeah, you're - To get answers.
- Can't wait for the new one? - Yeah, oh, yeah, like Are those your "Twilights"? Yeah, who's got the big theory? What's the big theory that'll make me go, "I'm okay"? - Wow.
Yeah.
- But I know you got a book out, and I know it's about being addicted to movies.
I haven't read it.
I I got an uncorrected proof, and I'm just gonna look for errors.
And then I'm gonna E-mail you and say, "I found a problem.
" I'm sure you will.
You're in the first chapter.
Oh, really? Did I say something mean to you? Uh, you told me, when we we went - and saw "Pulp Fiction" together.
- Right.
- Remember that? In 1994.
- I kind of do.
And we c We came out of the theater - Right.
- and I And you said, "Let's go do Get coffee," or something.
I said, "I got to go.
" And you said, "What, you got to, uh, go burn that screenplay you've been working on?" And it was one of those moments where I was thinking Yeah.
"You nailed it," but why but why nail it? - So Okay, so, in the in the book - Yeah.
your premise was you'd see a lot of movies 'cause you were addicted to films.
I was addicted to the idea - that if I saw a lot of movies - Yeah.
I'd become a director rituals.
So you were just integrating, like, "Pretty soon, I'll have references that no one will understand but the guy who made the movie.
" - Yeah, exactly.
- "Just me and that guy!" And that'll launch me! 'Cause you wanted to see more movies.
It was a justification.
- Well, but it was also this - Yeah.
- You okay, man? - What? Do you know you're doing this with y You've been doing this a lot while we're talking.
Oh, no, no, I'm having real problems.
- Jesus, what's wrong? - Yeah.
Well, my doctor said I needed to see a psychiatrist.
Wha? Initially, I thought, like, I had a brain tumor, so I got an MRI, and it turns out there's nothing.
- I'm sorry.
- What? I love that you're annoyed and disappointed that you don't have a brain tumor.
I put a lot I put a lot of energy into thinking I had one.
You know, let me try to get you, like, a nice, little cyst - or a brain pimple, for Arbor Day.
- Yeah, just something, a little something.
I made the trip.
I made the trip.
What the hell? I'm just I don't know, man.
I just I-I'm nervous.
The doctor wants me to go see this psychiatrist.
I'm afraid that he's gonna put me on antidepressants.
You're afra Everyone and their mother's on antidepressants.
- Are you? - Am I? I'm on three.
Are you serious? Totally serious, and I'm totally happy.
What, do you work for the company? Yeah, you know what? I think I have a pen and a magnetic calendar here some - Do you? - Yeah.
How do you decide to do that? You just wake up and go, "Great, I just want my personality to be a phantom limb?" - Oh, so you have - "I just want, like, a I don't need that part of my brain anymore?" Let me tell you how I decided, Marc.
I woke up and said, "Hey, it's 2015.
We have a black president.
I'm gonna take a pill and make myself happy.
" The president annoys you that much The color of the president? Oh, I see there you go.
No, everything's great right now.
We don't have to make our own soap.
- Right, I understand.
- There's there's vaccines.
Everything's awesome.
There's pills.
- I'm good! I'm good! - Yeah.
Oh.
Yeah.
No one's better than the guy screaming, "I'm good.
" - I'm good! - Yeah, exactly.
Your creativity and spirit can defeat any numbing effects.
I guarantee it.
Oh, I like the I that idea.
And maybe I can talk about something other than myself.
You don't want to disappoint your fans.
That's I know, I know.
They're depending on me to - They really are.
Okay.
- All right, I'll go, I'll go.
I'll I'll go to the psychiatrist.
I thought there'd be a couch.
I'm a psychopharmacologist.
Couches are more talk therapy.
Oh, okay.
I didn't realize.
Yeah.
Um, so, your neurologist told me about your symptoms, and I have a new serotonin-reuptake inhibitor that I think will work perfectly for you.
So we're going right to antidepressants.
I assure you, they're perfectly safe.
W I'm not questioning their safety, a-and I don't want to have tingles and panic Sure.
but I also am nervous about being "too good," too happy.
I don't want to lose my edge, you know? You're not gonna lose anything, trust me.
I, uh, I treat a lot of comedians.
- Really? Who? - Mm-hmm.
Obviously, I can't say, but, uh, they're pretty big.
Funny ones? Do you find that the funnier the comedian, the more depressed he is, or is that just me? That's funny.
That's what you guys say, right? You don't laugh, you just go, "That's funny.
" Oh, yeah.
I used to, uh, I used to do a little stand-up myself back in the day.
- Of course you did.
- Yeah.
You want to do my podcast? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I can't.
I've got horrible performance anxiety.
Gotcha! Uh, no, but, uh, seriously, um, I've got something that's brand-new that I think will be perfect for your particular condition.
It's called Fetzipan.
- Fetzipan.
- Yeah.
I, uh, I told my wife, uh, "It sounds to me like a Yiddish Disney character.
" Okay, if I take the medicine, will I find that joke funny? Because if that's the case, I don't want to take it.
Would you like a pen? I don't need a pen.
- No? Okay.
- Is there side effects? Once in a blue moon, someone gets, uh, dizziness or dry mouth, and occasionally there's a modest reduction in sex drive.
I could use a reduction in sex drive.
You, sir, are a funny, funny man.
I hope to keep it that way.
Trust me, you'll be fine.
All right, let's do this.
So Hey, it's a fetzi-pen.
Fetz Okay.
Made some tea.
Tea? What happened to coffee? I ran out.
And you're not freaking out? No, tea's good.
This is, uh, hibiscus tea.
Oh, that is that is good.
Hey.
Hey, check it out, Marc.
According to The Comedy Bureau, T.
J.
Miller continues to be hilarious.
That's crazy.
Yes! But good for him.
He's all right.
You know, he deserves it.
What? I guess the medication's working.
I don't I I don't feel it at all.
Oh, well, trust me, it is working really good.
It's good stuff.
Fetzipan? Fetzipan.
Sounds like, uh, uh, a Yiddish Disney character.
That's funny.
- No, it's not, Marc.
- What? That sounds like a joke I would come up with, that you would tell me not to do 'cause it's hack.
Hack! Why are you yelling? Hi, Marc.
Hi, Stu.
This is weird, because you're dead.
Yes, Marc.
I'm dead.
Nice to see you, too.
Wow, you're wearing chains.
That's kind of hacky.
It's classic, Marc! It's classic ghost! I mean, why do you have to be so judgmental? What do you get out of it? I don't know.
It makes me feel better than other people.
You're so insecure.
I thought things were going well for you.
They are going well for me.
Then why am I here? Oh, Marc! Whoa! You know what I mean.
No? You know what I mean? Oh, there he goes.
Lot of side effects.
- You getting headaches? - Nope.
- Diarrhea? - Nope.
- Nausea? - No.
- Dizziness? - Nope.
- Heart palpitations? - No.
- Hallucinations? - Yes.
What? The ghost of Stu Carbone was in my bed last night, with chains and everything.
With chains? So hacky.
I know.
That's what I said.
But he said it was classic.
Sounds like that could be serious.
Do you think you want to talk to a doctor about it? No, I think I'm just gonna ride it out, man.
Ooh! Could that be Stu texting from the grave? - That's not funny.
- I'm sorry.
It's that model.
Oh, you poor bastard.
We went out a couple days ago.
And she's calling you afterwards? Mazel tov.
Yeah.
I W Nothing happened, really.
- Really? - Nah-ah, no.
I-I wonder if it has anything to do with this annoying thing you're doing with your mouth.
I'm not doing anything with my mouth.
I'm just trying to unclog my ears.
We're not on a plane.
It looks like you're gasping for air.
No, that was two days ago, when I had a panic attack.
Thank God Nicole knew the thing with the bag.
- Nicole? - Mm-hmm.
She has a name? It's not "the model"? - Mm-hmm.
- Nurse Nicole.
Yeah.
She wants to go out again.
A-Are you gonna bring Stu with you? Oh, my God.
Why is this happening to me? 'Cause you can't say no.
You happen to be a pussy pleaser.
What else is there, Andy? I wouldn't know.
I'm married.
I want you to drip hot wax on me on my tits.
Really? You want me to do that? Yeah.
I want to do whatever is gonna turn you on.
I am turned on.
Well, tell your dick.
Oh, he's on antidepressants.
Oh, wow.
You're on antidepressants.
What is it with all you older guys? Ugh.
I got to go to the bathroom.
Oh, God! Hey, Marc.
How's it going? How do you think? I'm talking to a dead hack, and I can't get it up.
Oh, you know, they got a pill for that, too.
As a matter of fact, they got a pill for everything, you know? So you don't have to worry except, of course, about having enough pills.
Stop talking, will you? It's bad enough I got to look at you, all right? Get off the toilet.
I got to pee.
Oh, you y-you can go.
I-It won't splash me.
Go ahead.
Yeah, go ahead.
Christ, this is too weird.
Pee shy because you're gonna piss through me? Maybe this will help.
No.
No, that's not helping at all.
Oh.
You okay in there? Who are you talking to? Uh, just me.
N-No problem.
She sounds nice.
She's not inside my head.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what's inside your head fear and anxiety.
It's your personal fossil fuel.
It's destroying you, but you can't let go of it.
No, not anymore.
I'm taking antidepressants.
Ah, come on, Marc, we both know that you taking medication to be less anxious is gonna make you more anxious.
I mean, look at you.
Your dreams came true, and nothing changes.
Wow.
You sound like the voice inside my head.
I am.
You know what you want to do.
You know, once those drugs are out of your system, I'll be a distant, creepy memory.
You're already a distant, creepy memory, Stu.
I'm melting! I'm melting! That was a little pathetic.
Hey, don't blame me.
It's your hallucination.