On the Buses (1969) s03e09 Episode Script
Foggy Night
One more.
I swallowed a tooth.
Why don't you take them out and find out?
They're all there, aren't they?
That's funny.
I could have sworn I had something to hold in my mouth.
Oh, Arthur,
do you want to snaggle up to me?
No, I just wanted to finish a rather interesting article I was reading on the
mating habits of pygmies.
Good.
You might learn something.
Oh, I dropped a stitch.
Hello, me old darling.
You all right, love?
Yes, love.
Me back hurts a bit.
Here, I'm making a jumper for Olive.
Are you?
Yeah.
Blimey, you'd never get that round her waist.
No, this is only the sleeve.
Arthur?
Certainly not.
Mum?
No, you'll have to wait.
Mum!
Oh, wait a minute, love.
Here.
What?
Are there any bushes outside?
Bushes?
What do you want bushes for?
Oh, shh, shh, shh.
Oh, yes, yes.
Yeah, there's plenty there.
Well, yes, there are some outside, but you'll have to get off the bus.
Are you sure there are bushes outside, Stan?
What do you want bushes for?
You get outside here, you'll disappear.
In fact, you'll find it a bit of a job finding your way back to the bus.
Oh, Arthur, did you hear that?
Stan says I might not be able to find my way back to the bus.
Really?
Yes, she might fall in a big hole or down in a pond.
You're always trying to raise my hopes.
Well, she's only trying to cheer you up.
Stan, here, love, I'll tell you what.
Look, I've got some wool here.
Take the end of that and hang on to it and that'll guide you back to the bus.
Hang on, there you are.
There you go, love.
Gents to the right, ladies to the left.
Oh, blimey.
She's in a hurry.
Quite deep-sea fishing, isn't it?
Like playing out a shark.
More like Moby Dick.
Ah, it's stopped.
She must have found a bush.
Perhaps the bush wasn't big enough.
Here, I saw a film about a fisherman once.
He had to hold on to the line for nine hours.
Has he, really?
Yeah.
Well, if Olive's had a nit to go by, it could happen to her.
What's she doing?
What's she doing?
She must be hopping from bush to bush.
How?
Stopped, innit?
Stopped.
I think she's settled.
I guess a fair cat could be up for a long time, mate.
Oh, is that Olive?
Now, that was Olive.
Oh, dear, where is she?
Get her.
Find this mark.
Pull her in.
We'll pull her in.
Where is she?
Come on, Olive.
That's it.
Don't worry, we've got her in.
Oh, my God, where's Olive?
Well, your guess is as good as mine, innit?
Hang on, I'll go and find her.
Olive!
Olive, darling!
Olive, my boy!
Come on!
Oh, Mum!
Oh, Mum!
I went in the field and a cow pushed me.
You're lucky it wasn't a bull.
Oh, Mum, it was so funny.
It wasn't all funny.
Oh, did the cow hurt you, love?
No, but I fell in nettles right up to me chin.
Look here, have one of these, love, and clean
No!
Don't panic.
Don't panic.
Be calm, everyone.
Don't panic, love.
Oh, blimey, you're not frightened of her, are you?
Come on, this way.
Come here.
You've done me mighty
Yeah, well, soon got rid of her, eh?
Yeah, well, I suppose she took one look at your choppers and thought you was a
farmer's horse.
They are meant to be, is your wolf.
Oh, what do you know?
She must have had this round at home.
Well, she's a Jersey cow, most probably knitting herself a pullover.
Gibbering jackass.
We can well do without your moronic jokes, but
Don't you talk to my son like that.
What have you done about it?
He's been driving in the fog.
I can't work here.
Go and do something.
What can I do?
Well, you're a great beanpole.
There must be plenty of phone booths along the road.
You'd get out there and phone a depot for a start, couldn't you?
I don't think the other passengers would like me to leave the bus.
Oh, yes, they would!
Very well, then, I will, then.
Yes.
Well, go on, make up your mind.
You're going or coming or what you're doing.
Go on.
I may be gone for some considerable time, ladies and gentlemen.
Go on.
And don't worry, I'll get through, all right.
I'll get through, don't worry.
Don't worry.
Here he goes, the Luxton and District bus company's John Wayne.
100% true grit.
Oh, well, I don't think we shall see him for a bit, then.
What's the matter?
I've forgotten a telephone number of me office.
It's on me clipboard down there.
Oh, here you are.
Don't worry, I'll get through to the depot, ladies and gentlemen.
Don't hurry back.
Oh, well, I think we got rid of him now.
What's the matter, lost your clipboard?
No, I haven't got a sixpence, actually.
Here you are, everyone on the company.
I'll get through, all right, don't worry, ladies.
Well, shut the door!
Shut the door, Jack.
Here, Sam, while he's gone, look at his snap box.
I bet he's got some grub in there.
The way he was clasped with it.
God blimey, now cheeky son, he's got two packets of crisps.
I knew he had a secret voice.
Oi, oi, oi, I think those should be distributed equally amongst the passengers.
Yes, I'll wake Olly up.
No, no, let her sleep.
She must have her share.
Come on, love, wake up.
Wake up, love.
There's food.
What flavour are they, Sam?
Er, I don't know yet.
Bacon, I think.
Yeah, I'm sure they're bacon.
No, no.
Cheese and onion.
No, I tell a lie.
They're plain.
Yeah, we'll share them out equally.
Well, when you do it, you might remember you've had half a packet yourself.
Right, here we are, then.
Hold your hands up.
Here we are, come on, Sam.
One for you.
One for you.
Oi.
One for you.
Oi, oi.
What?
Do you mind telling me why it is I seem to be getting all the small ones?
Well, if you like, I'll shuffle them up like a pack of cards, you know.
Yeah, well, you might deal me one up the bottom.
Oh, sorry, mate.
Here, quick.
Come on, get them out.
Help me up.
Well, Nami, you were quick, weren't you?
I lost me sixpence.
I walked right into a ditch.
Nami's some hero.
Oh, look at his feet.
Yeah, you might take your boots off.
I've got them off.
These are me socks.
What was you doing walking in a ditch with your boots off?
I didn't walk in a ditch with my boots off.
They came off when I went to get out.
You left your boots in the ditch?
No, no, I fished them out, all right.
Don't leave them outside, they weigh a tonne.
All right, go on, get them.
Stop where you are.
Oh, God.
Find me a big bun, Nami.
Find me a big bun, Nami.
Oi, oi, oi.
You're making a very nasty mess of my bus.
I'm not having you on like that.
You'll have to wash your feet.
Oh, don't talk like a berk.
How can I wash my feet?
Don't have any water on the bus, you know, look.
Well, we do now, mate, yeah.
Oh, God.
Oh, I hate you, Butler.
Oh, I do hate you, mate, I do.
Look at me, look, I'm smothered in mud now.
Listen, some people pay a lot of money to be covered in mud.
Yeah, I'll tell you what, Blakey, your feet will have a lovely complexion.
I don't know what you did out there, but the fog's getting thicker.
You don't have to tell me, mate.
I've just come from out there, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm very sorry to tell you that we'll be here till it gets light.
Oh, Stan, when will that be, love?
Oh, good seven hours yet.
Seven hours?
Oh, my good God.
Seven hours like this, look, without a clean pair of socks on.
Well, you don't have to worry, Blakey.
We'll get you another pair of socks.
Will you?
Where?
Well, Mum's got seven hours, she'll knit you a pair.
Right, ladies and gentlemen, we have arrived at our destination after
travelling for 12 hours and 6 minutes at an average speed of half a mile an
hour.
Local time is 7.32, and I'll be off with Captain Stan Butler and his crew.
Thank you for travelling with us.
Oh, God.
Hello, Mum.
How are you?
Oh, love, me back.
Here, there's only one good thing about it, Stan.
Yeah, what's that, Mum?
Look, I finished me jumper.
Well, I shall not forget this in a hurry.
I think it's quite disgusting being charged seven and six each for suffering
all night.
If you don't shut your face, we'll give you another ticket.
Aye.
Your ticket ran out at midnight.
Give him one.
Ouch.
Oh, Arthur, don't look at me.
Seven hours without sleep, what must I look like?
Better than usual.
Hello, Blakey.
Oi, you going for a quick paddle, are you?
Any one about.
I wouldn't like any of the Clippers to see me in this deplorable condition.
Well, I don't think your bare feet are going to send the Clippers sex mad.
Oh, God, it's freezing.
Here, Stan, when's the next bus for home and how long do we have to wait?
Two hours, Mum.
Why?
Well, it's Sunday service, isn't it?
Oh.
Well, I'm not waiting in this freezing cold depot two hours.
All right, then, there's only one thing.
We'll get back on the bus, then.
Oh, Stan!
Get back on the bus.
Oh, dear.
Go on, then.
I told you.
I swallowed a tooth.
Why don't you take them out and find out?
They're all there, aren't they?
That's funny.
I could have sworn I had something to hold in my mouth.
Oh, Arthur,
do you want to snaggle up to me?
No, I just wanted to finish a rather interesting article I was reading on the
mating habits of pygmies.
Good.
You might learn something.
Oh, I dropped a stitch.
Hello, me old darling.
You all right, love?
Yes, love.
Me back hurts a bit.
Here, I'm making a jumper for Olive.
Are you?
Yeah.
Blimey, you'd never get that round her waist.
No, this is only the sleeve.
Arthur?
Certainly not.
Mum?
No, you'll have to wait.
Mum!
Oh, wait a minute, love.
Here.
What?
Are there any bushes outside?
Bushes?
What do you want bushes for?
Oh, shh, shh, shh.
Oh, yes, yes.
Yeah, there's plenty there.
Well, yes, there are some outside, but you'll have to get off the bus.
Are you sure there are bushes outside, Stan?
What do you want bushes for?
You get outside here, you'll disappear.
In fact, you'll find it a bit of a job finding your way back to the bus.
Oh, Arthur, did you hear that?
Stan says I might not be able to find my way back to the bus.
Really?
Yes, she might fall in a big hole or down in a pond.
You're always trying to raise my hopes.
Well, she's only trying to cheer you up.
Stan, here, love, I'll tell you what.
Look, I've got some wool here.
Take the end of that and hang on to it and that'll guide you back to the bus.
Hang on, there you are.
There you go, love.
Gents to the right, ladies to the left.
Oh, blimey.
She's in a hurry.
Quite deep-sea fishing, isn't it?
Like playing out a shark.
More like Moby Dick.
Ah, it's stopped.
She must have found a bush.
Perhaps the bush wasn't big enough.
Here, I saw a film about a fisherman once.
He had to hold on to the line for nine hours.
Has he, really?
Yeah.
Well, if Olive's had a nit to go by, it could happen to her.
What's she doing?
What's she doing?
She must be hopping from bush to bush.
How?
Stopped, innit?
Stopped.
I think she's settled.
I guess a fair cat could be up for a long time, mate.
Oh, is that Olive?
Now, that was Olive.
Oh, dear, where is she?
Get her.
Find this mark.
Pull her in.
We'll pull her in.
Where is she?
Come on, Olive.
That's it.
Don't worry, we've got her in.
Oh, my God, where's Olive?
Well, your guess is as good as mine, innit?
Hang on, I'll go and find her.
Olive!
Olive, darling!
Olive, my boy!
Come on!
Oh, Mum!
Oh, Mum!
I went in the field and a cow pushed me.
You're lucky it wasn't a bull.
Oh, Mum, it was so funny.
It wasn't all funny.
Oh, did the cow hurt you, love?
No, but I fell in nettles right up to me chin.
Look here, have one of these, love, and clean
No!
Don't panic.
Don't panic.
Be calm, everyone.
Don't panic, love.
Oh, blimey, you're not frightened of her, are you?
Come on, this way.
Come here.
You've done me mighty
Yeah, well, soon got rid of her, eh?
Yeah, well, I suppose she took one look at your choppers and thought you was a
farmer's horse.
They are meant to be, is your wolf.
Oh, what do you know?
She must have had this round at home.
Well, she's a Jersey cow, most probably knitting herself a pullover.
Gibbering jackass.
We can well do without your moronic jokes, but
Don't you talk to my son like that.
What have you done about it?
He's been driving in the fog.
I can't work here.
Go and do something.
What can I do?
Well, you're a great beanpole.
There must be plenty of phone booths along the road.
You'd get out there and phone a depot for a start, couldn't you?
I don't think the other passengers would like me to leave the bus.
Oh, yes, they would!
Very well, then, I will, then.
Yes.
Well, go on, make up your mind.
You're going or coming or what you're doing.
Go on.
I may be gone for some considerable time, ladies and gentlemen.
Go on.
And don't worry, I'll get through, all right.
I'll get through, don't worry.
Don't worry.
Here he goes, the Luxton and District bus company's John Wayne.
100% true grit.
Oh, well, I don't think we shall see him for a bit, then.
What's the matter?
I've forgotten a telephone number of me office.
It's on me clipboard down there.
Oh, here you are.
Don't worry, I'll get through to the depot, ladies and gentlemen.
Don't hurry back.
Oh, well, I think we got rid of him now.
What's the matter, lost your clipboard?
No, I haven't got a sixpence, actually.
Here you are, everyone on the company.
I'll get through, all right, don't worry, ladies.
Well, shut the door!
Shut the door, Jack.
Here, Sam, while he's gone, look at his snap box.
I bet he's got some grub in there.
The way he was clasped with it.
God blimey, now cheeky son, he's got two packets of crisps.
I knew he had a secret voice.
Oi, oi, oi, I think those should be distributed equally amongst the passengers.
Yes, I'll wake Olly up.
No, no, let her sleep.
She must have her share.
Come on, love, wake up.
Wake up, love.
There's food.
What flavour are they, Sam?
Er, I don't know yet.
Bacon, I think.
Yeah, I'm sure they're bacon.
No, no.
Cheese and onion.
No, I tell a lie.
They're plain.
Yeah, we'll share them out equally.
Well, when you do it, you might remember you've had half a packet yourself.
Right, here we are, then.
Hold your hands up.
Here we are, come on, Sam.
One for you.
One for you.
Oi.
One for you.
Oi, oi.
What?
Do you mind telling me why it is I seem to be getting all the small ones?
Well, if you like, I'll shuffle them up like a pack of cards, you know.
Yeah, well, you might deal me one up the bottom.
Oh, sorry, mate.
Here, quick.
Come on, get them out.
Help me up.
Well, Nami, you were quick, weren't you?
I lost me sixpence.
I walked right into a ditch.
Nami's some hero.
Oh, look at his feet.
Yeah, you might take your boots off.
I've got them off.
These are me socks.
What was you doing walking in a ditch with your boots off?
I didn't walk in a ditch with my boots off.
They came off when I went to get out.
You left your boots in the ditch?
No, no, I fished them out, all right.
Don't leave them outside, they weigh a tonne.
All right, go on, get them.
Stop where you are.
Oh, God.
Find me a big bun, Nami.
Find me a big bun, Nami.
Oi, oi, oi.
You're making a very nasty mess of my bus.
I'm not having you on like that.
You'll have to wash your feet.
Oh, don't talk like a berk.
How can I wash my feet?
Don't have any water on the bus, you know, look.
Well, we do now, mate, yeah.
Oh, God.
Oh, I hate you, Butler.
Oh, I do hate you, mate, I do.
Look at me, look, I'm smothered in mud now.
Listen, some people pay a lot of money to be covered in mud.
Yeah, I'll tell you what, Blakey, your feet will have a lovely complexion.
I don't know what you did out there, but the fog's getting thicker.
You don't have to tell me, mate.
I've just come from out there, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm very sorry to tell you that we'll be here till it gets light.
Oh, Stan, when will that be, love?
Oh, good seven hours yet.
Seven hours?
Oh, my good God.
Seven hours like this, look, without a clean pair of socks on.
Well, you don't have to worry, Blakey.
We'll get you another pair of socks.
Will you?
Where?
Well, Mum's got seven hours, she'll knit you a pair.
Right, ladies and gentlemen, we have arrived at our destination after
travelling for 12 hours and 6 minutes at an average speed of half a mile an
hour.
Local time is 7.32, and I'll be off with Captain Stan Butler and his crew.
Thank you for travelling with us.
Oh, God.
Hello, Mum.
How are you?
Oh, love, me back.
Here, there's only one good thing about it, Stan.
Yeah, what's that, Mum?
Look, I finished me jumper.
Well, I shall not forget this in a hurry.
I think it's quite disgusting being charged seven and six each for suffering
all night.
If you don't shut your face, we'll give you another ticket.
Aye.
Your ticket ran out at midnight.
Give him one.
Ouch.
Oh, Arthur, don't look at me.
Seven hours without sleep, what must I look like?
Better than usual.
Hello, Blakey.
Oi, you going for a quick paddle, are you?
Any one about.
I wouldn't like any of the Clippers to see me in this deplorable condition.
Well, I don't think your bare feet are going to send the Clippers sex mad.
Oh, God, it's freezing.
Here, Stan, when's the next bus for home and how long do we have to wait?
Two hours, Mum.
Why?
Well, it's Sunday service, isn't it?
Oh.
Well, I'm not waiting in this freezing cold depot two hours.
All right, then, there's only one thing.
We'll get back on the bus, then.
Oh, Stan!
Get back on the bus.
Oh, dear.
Go on, then.
I told you.