The Brady Bunch (1969) s03e09 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
Much more than a hunch
That this group must
Somehow form a family
That's the way we all
Became the Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
The Brady Bunch.
Hi.
Hi.
Jan, the truth
do you see anything different about me?
Your right eye looks bloodshot.
I mean my expression.
No.
Oh, good!
I thought the whole world could see it.
Well, let me look again.
Jan, can you keep a secret?
Sure.
You have to give me
your solemn promise.
My solemn word.
I'm in love.
Wow!
Who is it this time?
What do you mean, this time?
The others were just schoolgirl crushes.
Is there a difference?
Is there a difference?
Is there a difference
between a shooting star
and a firecracker?
Who is he?
Andrew Whittaker.
Is he gorgeous?
Well, he will be
once his complexion clears up.
I'm so happy!
And I'm miserable.
How can you be both?
It's easy when you're in love.
If that's love, I'd rather have the measles.
I'm going to go down for some milk.
Hey, remember
you swore not to tell anybody.
I couldn't even explain it.
( Tape rewinding )
JAN: Who is it this time?
MARCIA: What do you mean, this time?
The others were just schoolgirl crushes.
JAN: Is there a difference?
MARCIA: Is there a difference?
Is there a difference
between a shooting star
and a firecracker?
JAN: Who is he?
MARCIA: Andrew Whittaker
( whistling tune )
What are you doing?
Nothing.
You're not just doing nothing.
You're staring at me.
Why are you staring at me?
You you look different.
What do you mean, different?
It's it's hard to explain.
It's like
like you're happy
and miserable at the same time.
Peter Brady, you know something.
Not me.
I don't even know the difference
between a shooting star
and a firecracker.
You do know!
Know what?
You know what, what.
Jan.
Jan!
You told, Jan. You told.
What did I tell?
You know what you told.
I did not. I didn't say a thing.
Well, not to me, she didn't.
Hasn't opened her mouth,
except to gobble cookies.
Who do you think I told?
You know who, and you know what
and about you know whom.
Now it will be all over you know where,
and I'll die of humiliation.
Well, whoever it is, they
didn't find out from me.
Why don't you tell
you know who what's what,
and maybe we can work it out.
If you can't trust you own sister
to keep a solemn promise,
you can't trust anyone.
Look, Marcia, I promised
not to, and I didn't.
How can you look me straight in the eye
and tell me an outright fib?
Jan, this is the end of our
of our sisterhood!
I didn't tell!
Honest, I didn't.
What in the world is
all that shouting about?
Well, just a little
disagreement, Mrs. Brady.
About what?
Well, it seems that Marcia accused Jan
of telling you know who
about you know whom,
and pretty soon it will be
all over you know what.
Alice, I want to thank you
for clearing that up for me.
Anytime.
What are you doing?
What does it look like I'm doing?
Fixing a clock.
Gee, how'd you ever figure that out?
Boy, you sure are edgy today.
I'm always edgy
when people are
breathing down my neck.
Sorry, I can't inhale all the time.
Greg?
Yeah?
Did you want to see me?
Yeah.
Uh, Pete, will you get lost?
I have something important
to discuss with Marcia.
It's private.
Sure. I know when I'm not wanted.
What are you doing?
I dropped something.
I want to pick it up. You mind?
GREG: Well, hurry up.
Well, have a nice talk.
Marcia, can I trust you to keep a secret?
My word, unlike some people's,
is as good as gold.
I'm in kind of a jam.
And if Mom and Dad found out about it
I'd get one of those lectures
which I probably deserve
but which I'm not in
the mood for at the moment.
What'd you do?
Last year I had an assignment
in English class
to read The Red Badge of Courage.
I got it out of the library,
and read it, and then forgot it.
Yeah, some books are like that.
They just don't stay with you.
What I mean is, I forgot to
return the book to the library.
You mean it was overdue?
40 weeks.
The fine was like the national debt.
Wiped me out.
I don't see why Mom and Dad
should get so mad.
Forgetting to return a library
book can happen to anybody.
Yeah, well, this is
my third offense this term,
so I'd rather not ask Dad
for an advance on my allowance.
If you could lend me enough
for lunch money
I'd sure appreciate it.
MARCIA: Okay, I'll lend you the money.
GREG: Thanks, Marcia,
and mum's the word?
MARCIA: Mum's the word.
Read any good books lately?
Uh, why'd you bring that up
all of a sudden?
No reason.
Just making conversation.
How about last year?
Read any good books last year?
I don't remember.
Some older brother you are.
You're supposed to set a good example
so I don't end up reading trash.
Read War and Peace.
How about
The Red Badge of Courage?
How about The Red Badge of Courage?
Well, I heard it was great.
It must be, because when I went
down to the library to get it
the librarian said it's out
and hadn't been returned
in almost a year.
Marcia!
Did you want me?
Maybe for the last time in my life.
What's that supposed to mean?
You told Peter and don't deny it.
I didn't tell him a thing.
So you told somebody who told Peter.
I didn't tell anybody!
How did he find out?
I don't know. Maybe he's got ESP.
ESP? Marcia, don't just
sit there and deny
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what
are you kids arguing about?
Dad, this is kind of private.
Oh, well, in that case,
have a nice argument.
I didn't tell him a thing.
( Whistling tune )
Hey, sweetheart.
Hi, honey.
When's the rummage sale start?
I was just checking my old
ski clothes for this weekend,
but the moths beat me to it.
Then you could use a new ski thing.
Guaranteed off-limits to moths.
Oh, Mike, thank you.
Oh, my goodness, what brought this on?
( Sighs )
Mike, it's lovely.
It will be even lovelier when it's filled.
How was your day?
Oh, the usual.
Marcia and Jan are still feuding.
Hmm, that's funny. Marcia and Greg
were just fussing and feuding, too.
Wonder what that's all about?
I haven't a clue.
You did.
I didn't.
You did, too.
I did not.
Hey, what are you two arguing about?
Well, you might as well know.
She told everybody else.
I got called into the principal's office
for chewing gum in class.
That's not exactly
the crime of the century.
Well, just the same, a secret's a secret.
I did not say a word.
Anyone for dinner?
If I wanted to tell you know who
about you know what
I would have told you know who myself.
Seems to me I've heard
that song before.
( Dinnerware clinking )
What is this, a silent contest?
If silence is golden,
this must be worth a fortune.
( laughing )
( Clinking glass )
MIKE: Okay, kids, that's it.
You are all released
from your vow of silence
and I want to hear a little conversation
and not about the weather.
Well I confided something in Jan
and she told it to everybody.
You accused me of being a stool pigeon.
You can't trust anybody, Dad.
Kind of makes you mad when
your own sister rats on you.
I didn't rat on you.
BOBBY: You did, too. It doesn't matter
Oh, no, I can't even
trust you. You tell everybody
else about it. Marcia, I've
told you secrets before,
and I haven't blamed you
for Well, of course, I guess
that's typical from a sister like you
JAN: For telling it
around, like you really have.
( Kids shouting )
MARCIA: That's not very nice
GREG: That's the last
time I'll tell you anything.
( Shouting continues )
( Shouting continues )
Guess you're wondering
why we've asked you
to this private caucus.
It kind of entered my mind.
From what we've been able to learn,
there's a security leak
in the Brady administration.
You seem to come off as Mr. Know-it-all.
Any explanations?
Gee, I didn't think
it would turn out like this.
You didn't think what
would turn out like what?
Well
I kind of bugged the rooms
with Dad's tape recorder.
You kind of what?!
Peter, why would you
do a thing like that?
I only did it for a joke.
You think eavesdropping
on people's private
conversations is a joke?
I meant it to be.
Son, invasion of privacy
is a serious offense.
People can be sued for that.
You mean my own brothers and
sisters are going to sue me?
Well, since this is a first offense
I think they might settle for an apology.
Immediately.
So I'm sorry.
What I did was dumb and stupid,
but I really didn't mean any harm.
So I'd appreciate it
if you'd just forgive me, okay?
Okay. Okay.
All right. Okay.
It was kind of funny anyway.
I forgive you.
Okay. You're forgiven.
Jan, will you ever forgive me?
I don't blame you. It really must
have looked like I snitched. I'm sorry.
That's okay. Want some bubble gum?
Sure. Don't worry about it.
Marcia, I should have known
you're not the kind of a person to
JAN: Bobby, do you have
any extra bubble gum?
CINDY: I've got one more piece
JAN: Maybe you can
go down to the store
You know, he's getting away with murder.
All he has to do is apologize.
I know. What kind of punishment is that?
None. He'll just do it again.
He probably will.
( Sighs )
But there's nothing we can do about it.
Wait. Maybe there is.
What?
Give him a taste of his own medicine.
I mean, if Peter
is so crazy about listening
to other people's conversations
on the tape recorder,
why not give him something
to really listen to?
Okay, let's give that private ear
something he'll really enjoy listening to.
Yeah.
Do you know what to say now?
Yeah. I'd love to see
Peter's face when he hears this.
Boy, that Peter's a lucky son of a gun,
isn't he, Marcia?
Whatever do you mean, Gregory?
Cut. Erase.
What is this "Whatever
do you mean, Gregory" stuff?
Well, that's what I was supposed to say.
Yeah, but not like you're
the Queen of England.
Just be yourself. Okay?
Okay.
Boy, that Peter's a lucky son of a gun,
isn't he, Marcia?
What do you mean, Greg?
I mean, Mom and Dad
throwing Peter a surprise party.
Are they really going to?
Sure. And he deserves it.
I mean Peter's been failing
geometry all year,
and then, bang, he buckles down
and brings home an "A."
Mom and Dad are so proud,
they had to do something for him.
We should, too.
Are you gonna get him a present?
I sure am something special.
We should all get him presents.
I just hope he doesn't find out.
Not a chance.
Mom and Dad have it worked out great.
They're gonna pretend
they're driving away
on their skiing trip Friday,
but they're really gonna
come back for the party.
Gee, that's terrific.
Boy, will Peter be surprised.
Okay, Mr. Big Ears,
what's the big idea?
Huh?
Don't give me that innocent jazz.
Haven't you learned your lesson yet?
What'd I do?
Marcia found this under her desk
and it was going.
Well, I didn't put it there.
Sure, you didn't. Now, put it back
in Dad's den, where it belongs,
and don't let me catch you using it again.
Boy, you're sure not
the forgiving type, are you?
What was that all about?
GREG: Boy, that Peter's
a lucky son of a gun, isn't he, Marcia?
MARCIA: What do you mean, Greg?
GREG: I mean, Mom and Dad
throwing Peter a surprise party.
MARCIA: Are they really going to?
GREG: Sure. And he deserves it. Wow.
I mean, Peter's been failing geometry
all year, and then, bang,
he brings home an "A."
Mom and Dad are so proud, they
had to do something for him.
MARCIA: We should, too. Are
you going to get him a present?
GREG: I sure am.
Something special. Wow.
MARCIA: We should all get
him a present. I just hope he
You keep looking at me kind of funny.
Am I doing it wrong?
The raised eyebrows are not
for how you're doing it
but why you're doing it.
Well, I just think
a person should help another person
whenever he can, that's all.
Like, I loaned my baseball mitt
to a friend who lost his.
The only trouble is, now I don't have one.
I sure could use a new baseball mitt.
Hi, everybody.
Well, Alice, what do you think?
If you're not crowned
snow queen, Mrs. Brady,
the fix is in.
You look terrific, Mom.
Thank you very much.
Hope you have a great time
at the ski lodge.
( Chuckles )
What's so funny?
Nothing.
Well, I've had these ski pants for years.
I'm surprised they still fit.
Well, you watch your figure, Mrs. Brady.
Yeah. I watch mine, too.
And it's done some things
that have shocked me.
( Whispers ): Oh, Alice.
My only problem is that I'm still growing.
Like last year, my feet were too small
for cowboy boots.
Now they're just right.
Especially brown cowboy boots.
Well, I guess I'll just be moseying along.
( Guitar picking western tune )
Brown cowboy boots.
I know a hint when I hear one.
He's also shy one baseball mitt.
But his birthday isn't for months.
I guess he figures
shop early, avoid the rush.
What's the matter with that thing?
Dad?
Yes?
I finished waxing your car.
Anything else I can do?
Waxing my car? How come?
Well, all the pollution here
can really ruin the paint.
If there's nothing else
I guess I'll mow the lawn.
It's night.
I doubt if the grass has grown very much
since you mowed it this morning.
You certainly are ambitious today, Peter.
I guess I'm just in a working mood.
Need a hand with the typewriter?
No. I think it's had it.
This carriage is in the last stages
of rigor mortis.
The tab key isn't too well either.
It'd be neat if we had a new typewriter.
I know if I had a typewriter
then you could use it.
Everybody could.
A typewriter would really help
with my schoolwork.
A typewriter is something
a guy can really use.
Hi.
Hi, Pete. Hi.
Anything I can do for you guys?
No, thanks. Me either.
Well, if you need anything,
just holler, but holler loud,
'cause I'll be up in my room
listening to records.
It won't bother us.
It might, because my records
are kind of scratchy and warped.
I sure need some new records.
Yes, sir, I could really
dig some new records.
Bye.
Brave hunter, you like Eskimo wife?
Hey, now, that's something.
Yeah. I may lose you
to Smokey the Bear.
Well, do you like it?
Yeah. How much it cost?
I borrowed it from Barbara.
( laughs ): I love it.
( laughs )
Oh, I don't know. This thing is hopeless.
You know, I think I'm gonna
put my notes on tape.
Honey, you want to hand me
the tape recorder
over there on the table?
Sure.
Hey, listen, do you know why
Peter mowed the lawn twice yesterday?
Well, I think he's trying to make
up for the trouble he caused
with this thing. ( Button clicks )
GREG: I mean, Mom and Dad
throwing Peter a surprise party.
MARCIA: Are they really going to?
Surprise party?
GREG: Sure. And he deserves it.
I mean, Peter's been failing
geometry all year,
and then, bang, he brings home an "A."
Mom and Dad are so proud, they
had to do something for him.
MARCIA: We should, too. Are
you going to get him a present?
Bye! Have a good time.
We'll be back next Sunday night, okay?
ALL: Okay. Bye!
Sure, you will.
We really got Peter going.
What are you all dressed up for?
Just getting ready.
For what?
Nothing in particular.
When you get to be my age
you kind of go through
a neatness period.
Boy, I hope that never happens to me.
Wouldn't hurt you to look
a little neater tonight.
You're off your rocker.
MARCIA: The queen can
move in any direction, can't she?
GREG: Yes.
MARCIA: I don't think I
want to make that move.
Hi. Hi.
You're sure dressed up.
Yeah.
Well, I don't want to interrupt your game.
Think I'll have a glass of milk.
Gee, he's really all charged up
about the party.
I I feel kind of funny about it now.
Me, too.
Think we ought to tell him the truth?
Pete, we better talk
to you about something.
Yeah?
Listen, there's not going to be
any surprise party.
Surprise party?
Peter, it was a joke.
GREG: A bad one. We were just trying
to teach you a lesson.
MARCIA: So we taped
that stuff about the surprise party
on the tape recorder.
Oh.
Well, I don't blame
you guys for being sore.
I guess I really deserve it.
CAROL: Surprise!
Surprise party! Hey, where is everybody?
Kids! Alice!
Peter! Peter!
Surprise!
( All talking at once )
We're having a party for Peter.
JAN: How come?
Because he got an "A" in geometry.
Greg and Marcia said it was a joke.
Oh, it's no joke, honey.
Neat! Gee, we didn't buy any presents.
Oh, yes, you did, and
you're gonna be amazed
at what good taste you all have.
Come on. How about opening them up?
We got to get back to the lodge tonight.
Okay. BOBBY: Yeah.
Mom, Dad, how'd you two
find out about it?
Well, a little tape recorder
told us. ( Paper tearing )
That was pretty unfair of
you two. Why'd you do it?
Well, Peter really played
a dirty trick on us.
And all the punishment he got
was that he had to promise
not to do it again.
Well, sometimes a promise is enough.
I think from now on you two had better
leave the discipline to us, okay?
Okay.
We're sorry.
PETER: Wow! Look at this!
KIDS: Whoa! Gee!
A tape recorder of my very own.
Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.
I think you know what to do
with one of those, right?
Say, Pete, do me a
favor, open this one next.
It's from me. I'm dying
to see what I got you.
( laughing ) You'll love it, Alice.
( Tape rewinding )
GREG: Hi, Pete. Hi.
How do you like your new recorder?
It's really neat. And I was just going
to tell you guys if you want to borrow it,
you can borrow it anytime you want.
Thanks. Hey, a thing like
that can come in handy.
I mean, for school work
and taking notes in class.
Yeah, but it's kind of tricky,
so you better be careful.
See this button?
That's what you press
when you want to record.
And this button's where you press when
you want to listen to what you recorded.
But don't press that button,
'cause I already got some stuff on it.
But you wouldn't be interested in that.
( Peter whistling )
Did you hear that? He's just dying
for us to listen to what he recorded.
Should we listen?
Sure. That's what he wants.
PETER: I, Peter Brady,
do hereby solemnly swear
to forgive Greg and Marcia for
the crummy thing they did to me.
And shame on you for listening
when you shouldn't have.
( laughs )
( Both chuckling )