On the Buses (1969) s03e10 Episode Script

Right, mate, I've had enough of the day jet, come on, mate.
Let's push off home, shall we?
Yeah, watch it.
Dracula's on the warpath, he's bearing his fangs.
Yeah, I can see him, sharpening his pencil on his teeth.
Oi, come here, youse two, I want a word with youse.
Here, he looks thirsty, if he asks for your blood group, don't answer.
What do you want?
Look at the style of you, look.
Oh, you are a scruffy, dirty pair of toe rags, honestly.
You're a disgrace to the uniform.
Look at you, look, what have you been doing, sleeping, innit?
Only when he's driving.
What's all this rubbish here, what's that, look?
These'll be rags for my windscreen.
The company supply proper cleaning cloths for that.
That can go in the bin right away.
No, no, not that one, that's my handkerchief.
That's absolutely revolting.
The company will not have such revolting, disgusting objects put in its
uniforms.
I don't see that, they've got you in one.
Listen, if you talk about uniforms, mate, look at them, they drop to pieces.
I'll show you something, look at that, look.
Yeah, look at that there, that's his caught-in-pocket.
Well, what he means is this, you see, when I take a bird out, you see, she sees
me out of me pocket like this, she thinks she's safe, then suddenly she finds
out she's not, see.
You get it?
Those uniforms are only meant for working it.
Yeah, it's all the birds he takes out, he has to work very hard.
You're depraved.
I bet you tore that deliberately, didn't you?
Oh, don't be ridiculous, of course I didn't.
What's this here?
Oh, it's just a magazine.
Come on, let's have a look.
That's my magazine.
No, don't, don't open it.
The company's uniform.
It's absolutely disgusting.
Pictures of nude females.
The only book you're allowed to have in that pocket is a road map.
Yeah, well, I use that for finding me way around and all.
No laughing matter, you know.
Look at it, look at it, all bulging out, look.
Blimey, mate, if you think that's bulging out, have a look at that.
You are too lecherous, Lowerbats.
Fancy wasting your money on that rubbish.
I don't buy that sort of thing.
No, I happened to find that on the bus.
Yeah, and listen, apart from all that, what's all this nonsense about our
uniforms?
Well, the company, in their infinite wisdom, have decided that all the busmen
will be issued with a new type of uniform.
And I, in my infinite wisdom, have decided that you two are going to act as
guinea pigs.
Hey, I resent that implication.
So do I.
Listen, why pick on us two?
Because you're the dirtiest, scruffiest, untidiest busman in the whole of
Devon, that's why.
If a uniform lasts two weeks on you, it'll last two years on a normal busman.
As they've got to be specially made, you've got to fill them in with your
measurements, and I want them back first thing tomorrow morning.
And I'll take that right to the lost property office right away.
Who's he trying to kid?
He knows they don't open for another two hours.
Don't worry, he won't be taking her back for another two years.
Puppy, you.
You, you puppy.
But, sir, can you sign my way, Bill?
Oh, certainly, my dear.
Sure, I'll pick it up.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no.
I never thought you
Yes, well, it's a perfectly logical explanation for me having that, you see.
Yeah, I'll tell you what it is, Miss, you see.
You see, we're going to have new uniforms, and you see that bird there with the
two beads and the fig leaf?
That's going to be yours.
Oh, come on, Stan, hurry up.
Love, you'll be late again.
All right, stop nagging, Mum, will you?
Oh, well, I don't know what you do in the morning, really, I don't.
I call you early enough, but you're always late.
Well, I overdone it, didn't I?
Yes, you did.
Come on.
Oh, dear.
What?
This form here, I forgot to put me measurements on it.
Measurements?
What are you having measured?
Well, me and Jack, we're having new uniforms.
Here, you got a tape measure, Mum?
No, Oliver, I can't get it, love.
Come on and have your cereal, dear.
Oh, all right, all right.
I really don't know.
Oh, it does him a shame, them throwing away them uniforms after only one year.
They don't throw them away, Mum.
Oh, if they did, they'd come crawling back.
Oh, that's not very nice.
I can't find my tape measure upstairs anywhere.
You were using it in bed last night.
Using a tape measure in bed?
I was using it to measure me knitting.
You knitting in bed, love?
I always knit myself to sleep, don't I, Arthur?
Always.
Yeah, don't it keep Arthur awake, love?
No, he was doing his pulls.
Ah, sexy beast.
Oh, here's the tape measure, Stan.
It was in me pocket.
Right.
Right on, then, come on.
Let's get these measurements done.
Measure me up, in the middle of me back, ready?
Come on, give us a pencil, love.
I'm trying to have me breakfast, love.
Left arm, 28 inches.
Left arm, 28 inches.
Right arm, 32 inches.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I can't have one arm longer than the other.
Wouldn't surprise me.
Well, there's me finger, look.
Well, how can I have one arm longer than the other, then?
Well, perhaps he's driving the bus, you know, one hand on the lever.
Oh, child, don't be daft, Mum.
Oh, now I remember.
You did have one ear stick out more than the other when you was little.
Yeah, but not four inches.
Make that 28 inches.
28 inches.
Right.
I'll still make it the same.
What are you talking about?
How can it be?
Give us that
You can't trust her to do anything, can you?
She's measured it from the 60 inches downward, just celebrated.
No, no, no.
Well, make it 28 inches, then.
Right, well, you know she's not very good with figures.
Come on, now, get on with it.
Round me waist.
Go on, waist now.
Now, get it right this time, Olive.
Waist, 32 inches.
Oh, nice.
Hips, 38 inches.
How are you like me?
You've got a 40-inch bust.
What are you talking about, bust?
I don't have a bust.
Fellas don't have a bust.
Fellas are built different than women.
I don't think she's found out yet.
No, it's you.
I haven't had much chance.
Most women of my age are grandmothers by now.
Yeah.
I am getting a little sick and tired with all the insults I get in this family.
Oh, no, no, Arthur.
I treat you just like one of me own.
Do you?
Yeah.
Well, how is it that my sausages are smaller than his?
Oh, are they, love?
Well, I thought I gave you equal shares.
You did.
You gave him more sausage, me more grease.
Well, I've heard of some childish things, mate, but that beats the cake.
I am not being childish.
It was the same with the Brussels sprouts yesterday.
Oh, we're not going to have that all over again, are we?
The fact still remains, mate, that you had 13 whilst I had nine.
Oh, look, we'll settle this for all.
In case he starts counting the baked beans.
Give us that date measure.
Give us it here.
What are you going to do, love?
Measure his sausage.
Yours, right?
Right, yours?
Mine?
Right, what's that say?
Oh, you are.
What?
Your sausage is half an inch longer than mine.
That's because yours is bent.
What?
Look, I'll show you.
Now, look.
What are you doing?
I'm straightening out your sausage.
Now, look.
Holding that in.
Got it?
Right.
Now, be honest.
Own up.
Own up, you're wrong.
Go on.
Go on.
It might be the same length, but mine happens to be thinner.
You're just being cussy, don't you?
Here, it's only thinner because it's darker.
It's like Olive.
When she wears dark things, she looks thinner.
You could have fooled me.
Look, come here.
Take that date measure, Olive.
Take the date measure.
Now, measure that round for me.
Will you put my sausage down?
I don't care about your date.
What about my breakfast?
What's that say?
What's that say?
That is now contaminated.
Well, it wasn't very nice, Stan.
I'll tell you what, love.
I've got a couple of fish fingers.
I'll warm them up for you.
No, no, no.
You'd better measure them first.
Otherwise, you swear blind you're giving him one finger and one thumb.
Hello, darling.
Hello, shorty.
Right.
Come on, Jack, let's get down.
Like you used to.
Filled in those forms, have you?
Oh, wait a minute.
I've got mine here somewhere.
Here you are.
Here, Flaky.
These new uniforms, are they going to be any different?
Well, as you're the first two to wear them, you might as well come and have a
look and see what the management's chosen for you.
I've got a sketch in here.
Here you are.
That's what you're supposed to look like.
Don't go about like that.
Look at the driver.
Look.
Hey, love you.
I look like Mick Jagger.
That's not it, mate.
I should look like Marianne Faithfull.
Now, listen here, you two.
The management's spent a lot of money on these designs.
Now, if you want to keep your job here, you want to get used to the idea of
wearing these.
Here, Flaky.
What colour are they going to be, then?
Silver grey.
Ah, that's it.
I can't wear that.
Why not?
It don't match the colour of my eyes.
Hey, Chalky.
Yeah?
Harper and Butler got them new uniforms on yet, have they?
I haven't seen them yet.
I think they're still in the back room.
What?
They've been in there for nearly an hour now.
Ain't it marvellous, eh?
It don't matter what they do, they're always late out.
Oh, well.
I can't wait now.
Tell them to report to me as soon as they've had their lunch, will you?
Right.
Hey, Stan.
Come on, then.
We all want to see you.
Where's your mate, then?
Jackie, show yourself, darling.
You're cheating, mate.
Right, come on, then.
We're giving you a show.
We're giving you a show.
Park, please.
Park, please.
The last of Blast Company has great pleasure in presenting the Two-Piece
Driving Ensemble, modelled for you here by Stanley.
Show them the walk, dear.
I must seem straight.
Yeah, they'll love it.
Now, I'm sure this outfit will prove very popular.
And I'm sure we'll all be wearing them at the end of the show.
Now, I want you to notice the matching cap, which has two positions.
Forwards, for driving, and backwards, for reversing.
You'll also notice the matching buttons on the cuff, which are put there for a
special touch of elegance.
Also to stop you from wiping your nose on your sleeve.
Now, these special double-vented pockets are amply designed to give Stanley
plenty of room for his essentials.
Show them your essentials, Stanley.
Well, you'll notice, fellas, this pocket here is for my tyre pressure gauge.
This pocket here is for my windscreen wiper.
And this one for my dipstick wiper.
As Stanley, in mood fancy free and with careless abandon, slips out of his
jacket, we can see the transparent empire-made nylon see-through shirt, through
which we can get a glimpse of the outline of Stanley's string vest.
And that teeny-weeny incy peep at the elastic top of his wide fronts.
What about the conductors?
All right, darling, don't rush us.
Come on, Jackie, darling, get up and show yourself.
Give me a hand, darling.
Careful, darling.
Now, you can see my travelling companion, Jackie, has this jacket here set off
to match his
Do you mind?
You've spilt it all over him.
He's matching pouches.
Yeah, yeah.
Which has the latest wet look.
Has it?
You've just spilt your teal down at your crotch.
This is ridiculous, isn't it?
No, I'm going to take this up with the union.
We'll have it out when I've managed my marks.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh, all right.
Before we light a cup of sissies.
What do you expect, mate, putting us in uniforms like this?
It could change our personalities.
Look, if you've got any complaints, you go to the management about it.
But I'm not having them uniforms spoiled the first day.
Dan, here's your lunches.
All right, Wynne, darling, thanks very much, love.
There you are, mate, there you are.
Bangers and match for you.
Thank you.
Get stuck in, mate, that's the idea.
You're not going to eat in them clothes, are you?
Of course we're going to eat in them.
What do you think we're going to do, mate?
Well, be careful, then.
Right.
Oh, no, look at that, look.
Oh, trust you.
What?
Trust you to choose that sloppy spaghetti bolognese and all that sloppy gravy.
You're dripping all drops down, look.
Let me wipe your chin, look, come here.
Let go, give me that problem, then.
If that gravy goes down on that silver-grey uniform, it'll make a nasty stain
on it.
I'll go and see if they've got some silver-grey sauce, shall I?
Look here, I'm responsible for them uniforms until they've been approved.
Ah, shut your face.
Tuck this under your throat.
That's OK.
You wouldn't like to feed me, would you?
I'm not stopping you from all dripping down your clothes.
What's the matter with you?
Go and ask them if they've got a spoon and pusher for me.
Daddy, what's that?
Ah, what's in this?
Oh, go on.
Go and sort it out.
I'm only trying to help you, don't act stupidly.
Now, Stanley mustn't eat Dada or Dada will smack his body.
I'll smash his face in.
Listen, mate, I will eat my food how I like it, whether you like it.
Look what you've done to all this stuff, I nearly lassoed myself.
Get out of here.
Butler, I insist you take that jacket off before eating that.
Look, mate, I'll take my trousers off and off.
How about that, then?
A coat and a supply would be ridiculous.
Well, come on, Jack, we'll eat in the cab across the road.
Do you mind if we leave, or do you want to bring up Windis?
Jackals!
Well, let's face it, Jack.
We look a ripe couple of twits tarted up in this lot.
Don't worry, mate, I'm going to take it up with the union.
Blimey, we're supposed to look like busmen, not Peruvian postmen.
Don't look now, mate, but I think those couple of birds are clocking us over
there.
Blimey, mate, fat chance we stand in this stupid clobber.
No, I'm not kidding, they're coming over now.
Hey, we are having some trouble with the money.
How much is worth this coin in your English money?
I'm sorry, love, I don't understand it.
Oh, I thought you would know because you're airline pilots.
Airline pilots?
Yes, I thought because of your uniform.
Airline pilots?
Oh, airline pilots!
No, darling, no, you've got it wrong.
We're not airline pilots.
No, no, no, no, you're quite right, darling.
See, what he meant was we're not both pilots, is he?
He's a pilot and I'm, like, his navigator.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
What money is that, then?
It's Swedish.
Do you know it?
Do you fly to Sweden?
No, we're on the New York run.
Oh, Newark.
Oh, I must tell Birgit.
Yeah, well, why don't you ask her to join us, then?
Yeah, OK, OK.
You flop, you flop on the money about flying.
Look, mate, you went on that holiday charter to Majorca, you saw what went on.
I didn't.
I was sloshed going out and sick coming back.
Listen, just leave it to me, will you?
That is Birgit.
How do you do?
And I am Ingrid.
Oh, well, this is Stan Butler.
Captain Butler.
And I'm Jack Harper.
He's a captain and all.
Well, why don't you sit down?
Yeah, thanks very much.
Not you, your boat, then.
Oh, well.
Oh, I think it must be very nice to fly a plane.
Is it very difficult?
No, not really.
As a matter of fact, it's just like driving a bus.
Oh, no.
Busmen are, how you say, ignorant blokes.
No, hang on, no, no.
Stanley, Stanley, Stanley, she's quite right.
But how could a pretty bird like that be wrong?
I think your work must be very dangerous.
Yeah, it is with him at the controls.
Well, tell me, what are you two birds doing over here, then?
We are here to learn your English language.
Yeah, well, come out with us, you'll learn a lot more than you will at college.
You mean those idiomatic phrases?
Yeah, yeah, who knows?
Yeah, yeah, who knows?
Oh, yeah, well, we've got to leave you now because we've got to get back to the
garage.
Oh, yeah, the airport.
Yeah, well, what about you two birds coming out with us tonight, then?
I mean, we're free, we're not flying again till tomorrow.
Oh, well, I do not know.
We have been told to be very careful with you airline pilots.
We're not like other pilots.
Now, we're much more down-to-earth, eh?
You'll be all right with us, honestly, you will.
All right, we'll meet you at half-past seven tonight, then, OK?
Well, yes, yes, OK, OK.
Oh, and perhaps tomorrow we can come and see you take it off.
With a bit of luck, we might see them take it off first.
Morning, Jack.
What a beautiful morning this morning, is it, eh?
Dare I say, these uniforms, they work a treat for the birds, don't they, eh?
Oh, yeah, they're hot, mate, yeah.
What time did you get home last night?
I didn't get home last night.
I came straight here.
These Swedish birds are exhausting, aren't they?
Must be all that midnight sun they have.
How did you get on, then?
I got a smashing goodnight kiss.
Oh, you little devil.
Oh, don't worry, mate, I'll be all right tonight.
How about you?
I was all right last night.
Stop rolling about and get them new uniforms off right away.
Eh?
What?
Yes, you two put the poison in so well, none of the other busmen would wear
them.
Oh, no, no, we like them now.
We think they're lovely, don't we, Jack?
You're too late, mate.
The management's decided to drop the whole affair.
Come on, get them off.
Can I wear mine just for tonight?
No, you can't.
I'll tell you what you can do.
What?
Kiss it goodbye.
That won't be the only thing I'll be kissing goodbye.
Look, mate, if we turn up in our civvies, they won't know the difference, will
they?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Chalky.
Yeah?
Go and tell them two layabouts, Butler and Hart, that they're late out, will
you?
They're in the canteen.
Right.
You are the inspector, yes?
Why, yes, miss.
Can I do anything for you at all?
We wish to go to the museum.
What bus is for there?
Ah, the museum, yes.
Number nine, do out in three minutes.
Get off at Acker Street and you'll find it on the left facing you on the right.
Right, OK, Blakey, we change and off the
Come again?
They are our friends, but why are they dressed like that?
Your friends?
These two?
I do not understand.
They said they were airline pilots.
Yeah, well, you see, it's a bit of a mix-up, like
Yeah, well, you see, them being Swedish, Blakey, see
Yeah, yeah.
Are you not Captain Butler?
Are you not Captain Harper?
Captain Butler?
Captain Harper?
What have you been telling these two girls?
They do not fly a jumbo-jet plane to Newark.
A jumbo-jet?
They can't even drive a number 11 bus to the cemetery gates, in fact.
Well, you're all cleared for take-off then, Captain.
If you'd like to climb into your cockpit and taxi down the high street and set
course for the cemetery gates.
Captain of a jumbo?
Oh, this has made my day, this has.
Well, we made a right mess of that, mate, didn't we?
Oh, never mind.
We had our fun.
You mean you had your fun.
Well, now I know how Cinderella felt when the clock struck 12.
Come on, mate, let's get this jumbo-jet out.