Gilligan's Island (1964) s03e11 Episode Script
The Invasion
1
Gilligan, I've got a bite!
Where?
What do you mean "where"? Out there!
Gilligan!
Hey, skipper. I got a bite, too.
That's my bite!
No, it's my bite.
Looks like my bite got bitten.
Don't just stand there!
Help me get him off the hook!
Hey, skipper?
Looks like a square Halibut.
Very funny.
Where do you suppose this came from?
It's a briefcase. It looks like
it's just been arrested.
Might as well throw it back.
No, don't throw it away! It
might be something of value.
What, this piece of junk?
Look what's stamped on it.
Hey, skipper, you are right. It is valuable.
"Genuine cowhide."
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship's aground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
What a fantastic stroke of luck.
I think this attache case
may lead to our rescue.
Well, but, professor, we
don't even know what's it in yet.
Well, what's inside doesn't matter.
The case itself may get us home.
We go sailing home in that, it's
going to be standing room only.
Well, it was obviously
handcuffed to a secret agent.
I'm convinced that it contains
vital state department secrets,
and Washington will spare
no expense in tracking it down.
I can't believe it!
Imagine being rescued after all this time.
Oh, thurston, it sounds
too good to be true!
Pinch me, lovey, so I
know it isn't a dream,
but not too hard. I bruise easily.
Professor, open it, open it, open it!
Oh, on the contrary. If the
government finds it open,
we'd all be in serious trouble.
No, I'm convinced this case is top secret.
Well, then turn it over and open it there.
Maybe the bottom isn't secret.
Professor, open it! I'm dying of curiosity.
Oh, so am I!
[All talking at once]
Listen! I know it's human
nature to be curious,
but we've simply got
to forget about this case.
Now I want you all to
promise me by saying aye.
Aye. Aye.
Aye. Aye.
Aye. Ay-yi-yi!
I've gotta figure out what's in that case!
Gilligan! Would you go to sleep?
I can't, skipper. Didn't
you hear the professor say
it's human nature to be curious?
Yeah, well, what's human
nature got to do with you?
Forget about that case and go to sleep.
There could be anything in that case.
For the last time, go to sleep!
I saw a movie about a secret agent once.
He had a special briefcase.
He pushed a button, and
out came a machine gun.
[Imitating gun fire] Cut that out!
And then he pulled out
this little stopper, and
[Whistling]
His briefcase inflated
into an aircraft carrier.
His briefcase inflated
into an aircraft carrier?
I suppose his billfold
opened up into a plane.
You saw the same movie, huh?
Gilligan, will you cut that out?
Now we all agreed
to leave that briefcase alone.
Now go to sleep! Uh-huh.
But I'd sure like to sneak
over to the professor's hut
and take a peek inside it.
You'll do no such thing!
Now forget that case, and
that's an order! Do you read me?
Aye, aye, skipper. Goodnight.
Goodnight!
Aircraft carriers, machine guns Heh!
Comic book stuff!
Of course, a few years ago
Ships to the moon and all,
that was comic book stuff.
Robots and Rocket ships to Mars
Gilligan, don't just lie there!
Let's go over to the
professor's hut and take a peek.
Where are you going, ginger?
No place. No place?
Well, I was a little hungry,
and I thought I'd make myself
a peanut butter and briefcase sandwich.
I mean
what you mean is you're as curious
about what's in that briefcase as I am.
What do you suppose is in it?
You know, dear, I suppose I'm very silly,
but I do want to know
what's in that case.
In that case, what are we waiting for?
Oh!
What on earth are you
doing in that odd getup?
Put out a saucer of milk, mother.
The cat burglar prowls again!
Aah!
Shh! You wanna wake up the professor?
Don't worry, skipper. You
won't hear a peep out of me.
[Peep]
Gilligan!
That wasn't me peeping,
skipper. That was him.
[Peeping]
Shh!
You'd think by this time of the night,
he'd be too pooped to peep.
I guess the professor put the cage
on top of the briefcase, probably figuring
that the birds will make noise.
How about that! A watch bird.
Yes, gilligan. Come on now, quietly.
You step up on the stool
and lift the birdcage,
and I'll grab the briefcase.
Yeah, right.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Who's there?
Me, professor.
I thought I saw somebody
sneaking around in your hut.
Well, obviously somebody was.
Well, just a minute, professor.
I mean, somebody could have
been sneaking around in here.
Couldn't they?
Yes, perhaps even a man from Mars.
Remember the plan?
Yeah. You're going to go in
there and distract the professor,
you're going to put
the hook on the briefcase,
and I'm going to reel it in.
Do you think you can handle it?
Believe me, for this kind of fishing,
I've got the right kind of bait.
You're a watch bird,
aren't you? [Whistles]
[Tweeting]
Hi, professor.
Ginger! What are you
doing up at this hour?
Oh, I couldn't sleep,
and, uh, I was afraid
of waking Mary Ann.
Then I saw that beautiful moon outside,
and I thought, what a
perfect night for romance.
I don't want to doubt you, ginger,
but could there be another
reason why you're here?
Well, what other reason
could there possibly be?
Isn't it enough that I'm here,
and you're here?
And the case is here?
And the case is here
oh, professor! Why, I'm
shocked and surprised
that you'd suspect such a thing!
Why, I'm overwrought!
I'm overcome, I'm
I'm I'm overwhelmed!
And you're overacting.
Now, ginger, you just go on to bed,
and you forget all about that case.
Well, alright, professor,
but I just want you to know
I'm the last person in the world
who'd try to steal it.
Well, I hope so, because 3 in one night
is just about all I can take!
Well, good evening, professor.
Hello, Mrs. Howell. And
what are you doing here?
Well, when I saw the skipper
and gilligan and ginger
tramping in and out of here,
I became indignant.
After all, this isn't grand central station!
Perhaps it's not grand central station,
but everyone is trying to claim
the same piece of luggage!
Oh, you mean they're all trying to steal
that poor little attache case?
Oh, for shame, for shame!
Well, perhaps it's not
stealing, Mrs. Howell,
but they have a curiosity
about what's inside.
Oh, well, frankly, professor,
I wouldn't treat their curiosity lightly.
I found out from one of my psychiatrists
that being over-curious is a sickness.
Oh, he actually told you that?
Oh, no, no, no! I peeked
into his notes about me.
I see.
Is the hook on?
Yes, everything's fine. Okay.
Hello, Mr. Howell. Oh, hello there!
Oh!
So you were trying to steal the case.
How shocking! Simply can't trust
anyone these days, can you?
More seagull eggs, skipper?
No, thank you, Mary Ann.
I've already had a dozen of them already.
Eat another dozen and walk them off.
If he eats another dozen
of those seagull eggs,
he can fly them off.
Good morning, professor.
Would you like some breakfast?
No, no, no. I am not
here to eat breakfast.
I want all of you to know
that the attache case is missing,
and until it is recovered,
you are all suspects.
Does that mean none of
us can leave the island?
Now, I'm going to put the same
question to each one of you.
Mr. Howell, did you sneak
that case out of my hut?
How dare you make such an accusation!
You think I became the head of
a dozen international corporations
by stooping to thievery?
Well, of course not.
Shows how naive you are!
How else do you get to the top
of the financial jungle?
Of course I took it!
Oh, thurston, how marvelous!
Well, thank you for confessing,
Mr. Howell. Now where is it?
In my wine cabinet, and I'll go get it.
Don't bother, Mr. Howell.
Mary Ann and I saw you hide it,
and we sneaked it out.
We haven't opened it yet.
It's in the food locker. I'll go get it.
Never mind, Mary Ann. It's
no longer in the food locker.
You mean you saw us hide it?
Exactly, and I put it in my sea bag,
so I'll go get it right away
don't bother, skipper.
'Cause here it is.
Well! Thank you, gilligan.
Now do you know what I'm
going to do with this case?
It's okay if you want to hide
it, professor. It is your turn.
Since you're all so curious,
strong steps must be taken to protect it.
It's far too important
good heavens! What's in there?
What's in there? What was that?
What is it?
A top secret file in there entitled,
"United States defense
plans against secret attack."
We're not going to attack
anyone, so let's look!
But don't you see? This was probably
taken from a United States secret agent.
He probably gave his life defending it.
And the enemy agents who killed
him are undoubtedly still after it.
You mean they may come to
this island to look for the case?
In their efforts to uncover
United States defense plans
they will leave no stone unturned.
What are we gonna do?
Don't hide under a stone.
Gilligan!
Okay, I'll hide it under a stone, skipper.
Put that down now before you lose it!
Skipper, I won't lose it.
See? It's got a handcuff,
and I'll just put it
on my wrist like this, see,
and snap it, then I can't lose it
I also can't get loose.
Gilligan, now you've done it!
When those spies come back here
to find this briefcase,
they're going to find you handcuffed to it,
and they're going to kill you
for knowing too much!
He's right, gilligan.
They're gonna kill me
for knowing too much?
That's the first time
I've been accused of that.
Are you positive enemy
spies are after this case?
Well, it all adds up, gilligan.
Secret U.S. defense plans,
broken handcuff
Our enemies are bound to come
after this case. They're desperate.
Not as desperate as I am.
How are you doing, professor?
I'm afraid this isn't going to work, skipper.
What we need is a skeleton key.
If you don't get this case off me,
you're going to have a skeleton me!
Hi. Hello, ginger.
No luck yet, huh?
We've had luck, but it's all been bad.
Well, we brought
something that might help out.
It's crushed banana peel oil.
If you put a little on gilligan's wrist,
the handcuff might slip off.
Here, let's try.
Ow! It's hot! Gilligan!
You're a walking disaster area!
I'll clean it up, skipper.
Never mind! I've got an idea.
Come over here to this tree.
Gilligan, you stand right there.
Uh, professor, would you
give us a hand, please?
Now, gilligan will grab onto
the tree and hang on to it.
We will pull on the briefcase
and pull the handcuff right over his wrist.
Alright? Now hang on good, gilligan.
You ready? Mm-hmm.
Professor
1 2 3
Heave!
3 hours and I still haven't
been able to pick this lock.
You would've made a crummy crook.
I don't know if this can be of any help,
but Mrs. Howell and I happen
to have some keys right here.
One of those should fit.
Why do you carry so many keys?
Because we own so many things.
This is to our house in Florida.
And this is to our house in Maine, yes.
This is to our house in California.
And this is to our house in Texas.
How many houses do you have? 48.
50, my dear, since we let
Hawaii and Alaska join the club.
Gilligan, house keys are useless.
Handcuff keys are specially designed.
Professor, we have to do something fast.
Those spies will be here any
minute and they're going to kill me.
I'm doomed! I'm doomed!
Doomed! Doomed, doomed! Doomed!
Gilligan, why don't you get some sleep?
How can I go to sleep when I
know spies are coming to kill me?
[Laughs] Don't you worry, little buddy.
I'm guarding you.
If the spies come,
I'll fight 'em, I'll smash 'em
And
[Snoring]
I know, you'll snore 'em to death.
I'd be a spy myself Secret agent.
Yeah, then I wouldn't need any help.
Yeah. Secret agent gilligan Yeah
Secret agent Gilligan
Woman on intercom: Yes, chief?
Send in agent 014.
Here, chief. Ready for
another exciting secret mission.
014, your mission today
is to get this attache case
through to the secretary of defense.
Now, it's a very dangerous mission,
and you could be killed.
Oh, well. That's spy biz.
You feel up to it? Of course.
You are talking to the greatest
secret agent since Beethoven.
I didn't know Beethoven
was a secret agent.
You see how great he was?
Well, in any case,
we've provided you
with a weapons arsenal.
Chief, I don't need a weapons arsenal.
I have my own, see?
You call that a weapons
arsenal? A comb?!
It's not a comb, chief.
It's a radio/telephone/radar unit.
Good heavens!
And that razor?
This is a pistol, designed
for use at close quarters.
Every bullet is guaranteed to
give at least 15 close shaves.
Heavens to Betsy! And
what's that, a nail file?
I'll show you, chief. Shoot me. What?
You heard me, chief. Shoot me!
As you wish.
You see, chief?
A powerful anti-bullet magnetic shield.
Why, that's fantastic. A
radio/telephone/radar unit,
razor pistol, and a
magnetized anti-bullet shield
all in a toilet case.
Wait a minute, wait a
minute. What is that?
A toothbrush. I promised my mother
I'd brush my teeth after every mission.
Oh.
Alright, 014, you're on your way.
But remember, our archenemy, e-v-i-I
evil? That's right!
Knows all about this mission.
Next to me and Beethoven,
Mr. Evil is the greatest spy in the biz.
Now there's one more thing.
Should evil get you into a very tight spot,
there is one thing to do.
You merely press this button,
the case blows up,
and you blow up, too.
That's a comfort, chief.
Alright, 014.
Let's go over the mission once more.
Evil agent 10 calling headquarters.
Yes, evil agent 10?
Good guy agent 014
will be coming through
the door any minute
with an attache case.
I'm prepared to dispose of him.
Good. Don't forget,
it's vital to get him with the first bullet.
Oh, yes, master.
Don't forget, bullets
are not tax deductible.
Yes, master.
Mary Ann, please phone the parking
lot and tell them to get my car ready.
Oh, yes, master I mean,
it's already been taken care of.
Good. I'm off on another mission
as soon as I kiss my fiancee goodbye.
But first, you better
kiss yourself goodbye.
What are you doing
with that chrysanthemum?
Oh, it's just not an ordinary
chrysanthemum, my friend.
It's a .45 caliber chrysanthemum.
Oh, no.
Afraid of bullets, 014?
No, allergic to chrysanthemums.
Oh! You got me!
You got me! I'm going
I'm going I'm going
Before you go, Mary Ann,
would you validate my parking ticket?
Thank you.
[Buzzer]
Oh, dear! The hot line.
Yes?
Evil agent 5, please.
Well, this is agent 5. Can't you see?
Well, how can I see
through all this barley?
Sorry about that, chief.
Listen. Evil agent 10 failed.
Good guy 014 is on his way to see you.
You have plans to
dispose of him, of course?
Oh, o-of course!
Um, the steak is full of arsenic,
and, uh, the sauterne
is full of strychnine.
Ecch! Ghastly! No, no, no!
What's wrong? Do you
object to poisoning him?
No, I object to white wine
served with meat.
Oh, then I'll have to use operation 2.
I've applied a coat of
this poisonous lipstick
that's designed especially to react
on agent 014's chemical composition,
and it'll surely destroy him.
Oh, good, good! The kiss of death!
[Doorbell rings]
Oh, that's agent 014 now.
Remember, the future of our
evil organization depends on you.
[Doorbell rings]
I'd better get the door.
Our future, your future,
the entire future of the evil organization
depends on the fact
that you make good guy 014,
reduce him to a zero, understand?
Remember our motto
[Gurgling and mumbling]
Hello. Darling.
I'm off on another good guy
secret mission.
Let me tell you about it.
First kiss, then tell.
You know us secret agents
never kiss and tell.
My hero.
How do you feel?
In the pink.
Cherry blossom pink, to be exact.
Ohh! Ohh!
I kissed you so hard my
poison lipstick kicked back.
But it didn't do anything to you.
How come?
So many women try to kiss
us secret agents,
we have to carry special protection
Lip guards.
Oh, I'm going, 014
I'm gone
Oh, well. I never did
believe in long engagements.
My hat.
Sorry about that.
Me, too!
Mother?
Here, Sonny boy. Where are you?
You're hiding again?
There you are. Hello, son.
Mother, I'm off
on another secret mission.
Oh, my baby! Well, promise me now
that you'll be careful crossing the streets,
that you'll wear your long underwear,
and that you'll write me
every single night.
Mother, you know something?
What? You need a shave.
Well, I've gotta be going.
Oh, no, no, no. Come, Sonny boy.
Sit down, and mommy will make
you some of her homemade soup.
Mom, you've got the
fastest stove in the west.
Yes.
Oh, here. Let me take
that heavy bag off your arm
so that you can eat.
No! I just realized something.
What? You're not my mother.
How did you find out?
My real mother would have
made me wash my hands
before I eat. And besides
My real mother Is a woman!
What are you going
to do to me, 014, kill me?
No, that's too good for you.
I have a torture for you
worse than death.
You mean
Exactly. Sit down there at the table,
eat your soup! And don't spill a drop!
Yes. Yes. Yes, alright.
Bad news, evil agent lovey. Again?
Evil agent 10 failed, evil agent 5 failed,
evil agent one failed.
And as a result,
do you know what happened?
Yes. Evil stock went down $20 a share.
Aw, you poor evil darling.
Ah, but good guy 014
can't escape us now.
When he comes to deliver the
attache case to the secretary,
little does he know that I
have disposed of the secretary.
Ah! Fortunately, good guy 014
hasn't even seen the secretary,
so he'll give the attache case to you!
And once he's delivered it,
he'll never know anything again.
Welcome, agent 014.
The secretary is waiting
for that attache case.
Here, I'll take it, good guy 014.
Thank you.
Now that you've delivered it
Here's your reward
You fool!
[Gunshot]
Good heavens! 014 is a machine!
Oh, dear! And he seems
to have popped his rivets.
A-ha!
I suspected foul play,
so I took the standard precaution
of sending in my robot double first.
Now I know why they call you 014.
You do?
Yes. You're twice as smart as 007.
Look! Who's that behind you?
Aah!
Lovey, help me get the case!
No! Yes!
Wake up, gilligan! Wake up!
Must have been a dream! A dream?
Yeah, I dreamt all of you
were enemy spies.
You were trying to get this case and
hey, skipper, look. There's a key in there.
I wonder what that's for? I don't know.
But I sure wish
it was for the handcuff lock,
then I just put it in like that, see.
Turn it, and then I could just open it,
and I'd be free, see?
Skipper, I'm free!
Professor! I don't have to worry
about enemy spies showing
up here a-a-and killing me.
No, I don't think we have to worry
about enemy spies showing up at all.
Huh? Huh?
Y-You mean that these aren't
vital United States defense plans?
They're vital defense plans, alright.
From world war I! World war I?
Yes, that case must have
been floating around the pacific
for over 50 years.
There, you see, gilligan?
All the panic you went
through was for nothing.
Panic? What panic?
I wasn't scared, skipper.
If this case had been valuable,
and enemy spies had shown up,
I would have been the bravest
we heard gilligan shouting! We
thought that something was wrong.
It's them! It's Mr. Evil
and his moll! Run! Hide!
Quick, take cover!
They're after the case!
Help, somebody, save me! Help!
Mary Ann was a receptionist,
and she tried to kill me
with a loaded crysan
crysanthu flower.
And ginger was an evil agent,
and she pretended to be my fiancee,
and she tried to kill me
with a kiss of death, and
skipper, you were my mother.
I was your mother?
Yeah, I felt terrible about it.
Well, think how terrible
your father must have felt!
Gilligan, was I in your dream?
Yeah! You were the head of the
good guys, and you sure were tough.
I was?
When you sent me on the mission,
you told me the briefcase
was booby-trapped,
and if I got in a tight spot,
I should blow myself up.
Well, it was only a dream,
but now that the nightmare
is over, let's forget it.
Imagine that. A
booby-trapped attache case!
Did you ever hear anything so silly?
What a dream!
[Blast]
They're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in their tropic island nest ♪
no phone, no light ♪
no motor cars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways
here on gilligan's isle ♪
Gilligan, I've got a bite!
Where?
What do you mean "where"? Out there!
Gilligan!
Hey, skipper. I got a bite, too.
That's my bite!
No, it's my bite.
Looks like my bite got bitten.
Don't just stand there!
Help me get him off the hook!
Hey, skipper?
Looks like a square Halibut.
Very funny.
Where do you suppose this came from?
It's a briefcase. It looks like
it's just been arrested.
Might as well throw it back.
No, don't throw it away! It
might be something of value.
What, this piece of junk?
Look what's stamped on it.
Hey, skipper, you are right. It is valuable.
"Genuine cowhide."
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship's aground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
What a fantastic stroke of luck.
I think this attache case
may lead to our rescue.
Well, but, professor, we
don't even know what's it in yet.
Well, what's inside doesn't matter.
The case itself may get us home.
We go sailing home in that, it's
going to be standing room only.
Well, it was obviously
handcuffed to a secret agent.
I'm convinced that it contains
vital state department secrets,
and Washington will spare
no expense in tracking it down.
I can't believe it!
Imagine being rescued after all this time.
Oh, thurston, it sounds
too good to be true!
Pinch me, lovey, so I
know it isn't a dream,
but not too hard. I bruise easily.
Professor, open it, open it, open it!
Oh, on the contrary. If the
government finds it open,
we'd all be in serious trouble.
No, I'm convinced this case is top secret.
Well, then turn it over and open it there.
Maybe the bottom isn't secret.
Professor, open it! I'm dying of curiosity.
Oh, so am I!
[All talking at once]
Listen! I know it's human
nature to be curious,
but we've simply got
to forget about this case.
Now I want you all to
promise me by saying aye.
Aye. Aye.
Aye. Aye.
Aye. Ay-yi-yi!
I've gotta figure out what's in that case!
Gilligan! Would you go to sleep?
I can't, skipper. Didn't
you hear the professor say
it's human nature to be curious?
Yeah, well, what's human
nature got to do with you?
Forget about that case and go to sleep.
There could be anything in that case.
For the last time, go to sleep!
I saw a movie about a secret agent once.
He had a special briefcase.
He pushed a button, and
out came a machine gun.
[Imitating gun fire] Cut that out!
And then he pulled out
this little stopper, and
[Whistling]
His briefcase inflated
into an aircraft carrier.
His briefcase inflated
into an aircraft carrier?
I suppose his billfold
opened up into a plane.
You saw the same movie, huh?
Gilligan, will you cut that out?
Now we all agreed
to leave that briefcase alone.
Now go to sleep! Uh-huh.
But I'd sure like to sneak
over to the professor's hut
and take a peek inside it.
You'll do no such thing!
Now forget that case, and
that's an order! Do you read me?
Aye, aye, skipper. Goodnight.
Goodnight!
Aircraft carriers, machine guns Heh!
Comic book stuff!
Of course, a few years ago
Ships to the moon and all,
that was comic book stuff.
Robots and Rocket ships to Mars
Gilligan, don't just lie there!
Let's go over to the
professor's hut and take a peek.
Where are you going, ginger?
No place. No place?
Well, I was a little hungry,
and I thought I'd make myself
a peanut butter and briefcase sandwich.
I mean
what you mean is you're as curious
about what's in that briefcase as I am.
What do you suppose is in it?
You know, dear, I suppose I'm very silly,
but I do want to know
what's in that case.
In that case, what are we waiting for?
Oh!
What on earth are you
doing in that odd getup?
Put out a saucer of milk, mother.
The cat burglar prowls again!
Aah!
Shh! You wanna wake up the professor?
Don't worry, skipper. You
won't hear a peep out of me.
[Peep]
Gilligan!
That wasn't me peeping,
skipper. That was him.
[Peeping]
Shh!
You'd think by this time of the night,
he'd be too pooped to peep.
I guess the professor put the cage
on top of the briefcase, probably figuring
that the birds will make noise.
How about that! A watch bird.
Yes, gilligan. Come on now, quietly.
You step up on the stool
and lift the birdcage,
and I'll grab the briefcase.
Yeah, right.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Who's there?
Me, professor.
I thought I saw somebody
sneaking around in your hut.
Well, obviously somebody was.
Well, just a minute, professor.
I mean, somebody could have
been sneaking around in here.
Couldn't they?
Yes, perhaps even a man from Mars.
Remember the plan?
Yeah. You're going to go in
there and distract the professor,
you're going to put
the hook on the briefcase,
and I'm going to reel it in.
Do you think you can handle it?
Believe me, for this kind of fishing,
I've got the right kind of bait.
You're a watch bird,
aren't you? [Whistles]
[Tweeting]
Hi, professor.
Ginger! What are you
doing up at this hour?
Oh, I couldn't sleep,
and, uh, I was afraid
of waking Mary Ann.
Then I saw that beautiful moon outside,
and I thought, what a
perfect night for romance.
I don't want to doubt you, ginger,
but could there be another
reason why you're here?
Well, what other reason
could there possibly be?
Isn't it enough that I'm here,
and you're here?
And the case is here?
And the case is here
oh, professor! Why, I'm
shocked and surprised
that you'd suspect such a thing!
Why, I'm overwrought!
I'm overcome, I'm
I'm I'm overwhelmed!
And you're overacting.
Now, ginger, you just go on to bed,
and you forget all about that case.
Well, alright, professor,
but I just want you to know
I'm the last person in the world
who'd try to steal it.
Well, I hope so, because 3 in one night
is just about all I can take!
Well, good evening, professor.
Hello, Mrs. Howell. And
what are you doing here?
Well, when I saw the skipper
and gilligan and ginger
tramping in and out of here,
I became indignant.
After all, this isn't grand central station!
Perhaps it's not grand central station,
but everyone is trying to claim
the same piece of luggage!
Oh, you mean they're all trying to steal
that poor little attache case?
Oh, for shame, for shame!
Well, perhaps it's not
stealing, Mrs. Howell,
but they have a curiosity
about what's inside.
Oh, well, frankly, professor,
I wouldn't treat their curiosity lightly.
I found out from one of my psychiatrists
that being over-curious is a sickness.
Oh, he actually told you that?
Oh, no, no, no! I peeked
into his notes about me.
I see.
Is the hook on?
Yes, everything's fine. Okay.
Hello, Mr. Howell. Oh, hello there!
Oh!
So you were trying to steal the case.
How shocking! Simply can't trust
anyone these days, can you?
More seagull eggs, skipper?
No, thank you, Mary Ann.
I've already had a dozen of them already.
Eat another dozen and walk them off.
If he eats another dozen
of those seagull eggs,
he can fly them off.
Good morning, professor.
Would you like some breakfast?
No, no, no. I am not
here to eat breakfast.
I want all of you to know
that the attache case is missing,
and until it is recovered,
you are all suspects.
Does that mean none of
us can leave the island?
Now, I'm going to put the same
question to each one of you.
Mr. Howell, did you sneak
that case out of my hut?
How dare you make such an accusation!
You think I became the head of
a dozen international corporations
by stooping to thievery?
Well, of course not.
Shows how naive you are!
How else do you get to the top
of the financial jungle?
Of course I took it!
Oh, thurston, how marvelous!
Well, thank you for confessing,
Mr. Howell. Now where is it?
In my wine cabinet, and I'll go get it.
Don't bother, Mr. Howell.
Mary Ann and I saw you hide it,
and we sneaked it out.
We haven't opened it yet.
It's in the food locker. I'll go get it.
Never mind, Mary Ann. It's
no longer in the food locker.
You mean you saw us hide it?
Exactly, and I put it in my sea bag,
so I'll go get it right away
don't bother, skipper.
'Cause here it is.
Well! Thank you, gilligan.
Now do you know what I'm
going to do with this case?
It's okay if you want to hide
it, professor. It is your turn.
Since you're all so curious,
strong steps must be taken to protect it.
It's far too important
good heavens! What's in there?
What's in there? What was that?
What is it?
A top secret file in there entitled,
"United States defense
plans against secret attack."
We're not going to attack
anyone, so let's look!
But don't you see? This was probably
taken from a United States secret agent.
He probably gave his life defending it.
And the enemy agents who killed
him are undoubtedly still after it.
You mean they may come to
this island to look for the case?
In their efforts to uncover
United States defense plans
they will leave no stone unturned.
What are we gonna do?
Don't hide under a stone.
Gilligan!
Okay, I'll hide it under a stone, skipper.
Put that down now before you lose it!
Skipper, I won't lose it.
See? It's got a handcuff,
and I'll just put it
on my wrist like this, see,
and snap it, then I can't lose it
I also can't get loose.
Gilligan, now you've done it!
When those spies come back here
to find this briefcase,
they're going to find you handcuffed to it,
and they're going to kill you
for knowing too much!
He's right, gilligan.
They're gonna kill me
for knowing too much?
That's the first time
I've been accused of that.
Are you positive enemy
spies are after this case?
Well, it all adds up, gilligan.
Secret U.S. defense plans,
broken handcuff
Our enemies are bound to come
after this case. They're desperate.
Not as desperate as I am.
How are you doing, professor?
I'm afraid this isn't going to work, skipper.
What we need is a skeleton key.
If you don't get this case off me,
you're going to have a skeleton me!
Hi. Hello, ginger.
No luck yet, huh?
We've had luck, but it's all been bad.
Well, we brought
something that might help out.
It's crushed banana peel oil.
If you put a little on gilligan's wrist,
the handcuff might slip off.
Here, let's try.
Ow! It's hot! Gilligan!
You're a walking disaster area!
I'll clean it up, skipper.
Never mind! I've got an idea.
Come over here to this tree.
Gilligan, you stand right there.
Uh, professor, would you
give us a hand, please?
Now, gilligan will grab onto
the tree and hang on to it.
We will pull on the briefcase
and pull the handcuff right over his wrist.
Alright? Now hang on good, gilligan.
You ready? Mm-hmm.
Professor
1 2 3
Heave!
3 hours and I still haven't
been able to pick this lock.
You would've made a crummy crook.
I don't know if this can be of any help,
but Mrs. Howell and I happen
to have some keys right here.
One of those should fit.
Why do you carry so many keys?
Because we own so many things.
This is to our house in Florida.
And this is to our house in Maine, yes.
This is to our house in California.
And this is to our house in Texas.
How many houses do you have? 48.
50, my dear, since we let
Hawaii and Alaska join the club.
Gilligan, house keys are useless.
Handcuff keys are specially designed.
Professor, we have to do something fast.
Those spies will be here any
minute and they're going to kill me.
I'm doomed! I'm doomed!
Doomed! Doomed, doomed! Doomed!
Gilligan, why don't you get some sleep?
How can I go to sleep when I
know spies are coming to kill me?
[Laughs] Don't you worry, little buddy.
I'm guarding you.
If the spies come,
I'll fight 'em, I'll smash 'em
And
[Snoring]
I know, you'll snore 'em to death.
I'd be a spy myself Secret agent.
Yeah, then I wouldn't need any help.
Yeah. Secret agent gilligan Yeah
Secret agent Gilligan
Woman on intercom: Yes, chief?
Send in agent 014.
Here, chief. Ready for
another exciting secret mission.
014, your mission today
is to get this attache case
through to the secretary of defense.
Now, it's a very dangerous mission,
and you could be killed.
Oh, well. That's spy biz.
You feel up to it? Of course.
You are talking to the greatest
secret agent since Beethoven.
I didn't know Beethoven
was a secret agent.
You see how great he was?
Well, in any case,
we've provided you
with a weapons arsenal.
Chief, I don't need a weapons arsenal.
I have my own, see?
You call that a weapons
arsenal? A comb?!
It's not a comb, chief.
It's a radio/telephone/radar unit.
Good heavens!
And that razor?
This is a pistol, designed
for use at close quarters.
Every bullet is guaranteed to
give at least 15 close shaves.
Heavens to Betsy! And
what's that, a nail file?
I'll show you, chief. Shoot me. What?
You heard me, chief. Shoot me!
As you wish.
You see, chief?
A powerful anti-bullet magnetic shield.
Why, that's fantastic. A
radio/telephone/radar unit,
razor pistol, and a
magnetized anti-bullet shield
all in a toilet case.
Wait a minute, wait a
minute. What is that?
A toothbrush. I promised my mother
I'd brush my teeth after every mission.
Oh.
Alright, 014, you're on your way.
But remember, our archenemy, e-v-i-I
evil? That's right!
Knows all about this mission.
Next to me and Beethoven,
Mr. Evil is the greatest spy in the biz.
Now there's one more thing.
Should evil get you into a very tight spot,
there is one thing to do.
You merely press this button,
the case blows up,
and you blow up, too.
That's a comfort, chief.
Alright, 014.
Let's go over the mission once more.
Evil agent 10 calling headquarters.
Yes, evil agent 10?
Good guy agent 014
will be coming through
the door any minute
with an attache case.
I'm prepared to dispose of him.
Good. Don't forget,
it's vital to get him with the first bullet.
Oh, yes, master.
Don't forget, bullets
are not tax deductible.
Yes, master.
Mary Ann, please phone the parking
lot and tell them to get my car ready.
Oh, yes, master I mean,
it's already been taken care of.
Good. I'm off on another mission
as soon as I kiss my fiancee goodbye.
But first, you better
kiss yourself goodbye.
What are you doing
with that chrysanthemum?
Oh, it's just not an ordinary
chrysanthemum, my friend.
It's a .45 caliber chrysanthemum.
Oh, no.
Afraid of bullets, 014?
No, allergic to chrysanthemums.
Oh! You got me!
You got me! I'm going
I'm going I'm going
Before you go, Mary Ann,
would you validate my parking ticket?
Thank you.
[Buzzer]
Oh, dear! The hot line.
Yes?
Evil agent 5, please.
Well, this is agent 5. Can't you see?
Well, how can I see
through all this barley?
Sorry about that, chief.
Listen. Evil agent 10 failed.
Good guy 014 is on his way to see you.
You have plans to
dispose of him, of course?
Oh, o-of course!
Um, the steak is full of arsenic,
and, uh, the sauterne
is full of strychnine.
Ecch! Ghastly! No, no, no!
What's wrong? Do you
object to poisoning him?
No, I object to white wine
served with meat.
Oh, then I'll have to use operation 2.
I've applied a coat of
this poisonous lipstick
that's designed especially to react
on agent 014's chemical composition,
and it'll surely destroy him.
Oh, good, good! The kiss of death!
[Doorbell rings]
Oh, that's agent 014 now.
Remember, the future of our
evil organization depends on you.
[Doorbell rings]
I'd better get the door.
Our future, your future,
the entire future of the evil organization
depends on the fact
that you make good guy 014,
reduce him to a zero, understand?
Remember our motto
[Gurgling and mumbling]
Hello. Darling.
I'm off on another good guy
secret mission.
Let me tell you about it.
First kiss, then tell.
You know us secret agents
never kiss and tell.
My hero.
How do you feel?
In the pink.
Cherry blossom pink, to be exact.
Ohh! Ohh!
I kissed you so hard my
poison lipstick kicked back.
But it didn't do anything to you.
How come?
So many women try to kiss
us secret agents,
we have to carry special protection
Lip guards.
Oh, I'm going, 014
I'm gone
Oh, well. I never did
believe in long engagements.
My hat.
Sorry about that.
Me, too!
Mother?
Here, Sonny boy. Where are you?
You're hiding again?
There you are. Hello, son.
Mother, I'm off
on another secret mission.
Oh, my baby! Well, promise me now
that you'll be careful crossing the streets,
that you'll wear your long underwear,
and that you'll write me
every single night.
Mother, you know something?
What? You need a shave.
Well, I've gotta be going.
Oh, no, no, no. Come, Sonny boy.
Sit down, and mommy will make
you some of her homemade soup.
Mom, you've got the
fastest stove in the west.
Yes.
Oh, here. Let me take
that heavy bag off your arm
so that you can eat.
No! I just realized something.
What? You're not my mother.
How did you find out?
My real mother would have
made me wash my hands
before I eat. And besides
My real mother Is a woman!
What are you going
to do to me, 014, kill me?
No, that's too good for you.
I have a torture for you
worse than death.
You mean
Exactly. Sit down there at the table,
eat your soup! And don't spill a drop!
Yes. Yes. Yes, alright.
Bad news, evil agent lovey. Again?
Evil agent 10 failed, evil agent 5 failed,
evil agent one failed.
And as a result,
do you know what happened?
Yes. Evil stock went down $20 a share.
Aw, you poor evil darling.
Ah, but good guy 014
can't escape us now.
When he comes to deliver the
attache case to the secretary,
little does he know that I
have disposed of the secretary.
Ah! Fortunately, good guy 014
hasn't even seen the secretary,
so he'll give the attache case to you!
And once he's delivered it,
he'll never know anything again.
Welcome, agent 014.
The secretary is waiting
for that attache case.
Here, I'll take it, good guy 014.
Thank you.
Now that you've delivered it
Here's your reward
You fool!
[Gunshot]
Good heavens! 014 is a machine!
Oh, dear! And he seems
to have popped his rivets.
A-ha!
I suspected foul play,
so I took the standard precaution
of sending in my robot double first.
Now I know why they call you 014.
You do?
Yes. You're twice as smart as 007.
Look! Who's that behind you?
Aah!
Lovey, help me get the case!
No! Yes!
Wake up, gilligan! Wake up!
Must have been a dream! A dream?
Yeah, I dreamt all of you
were enemy spies.
You were trying to get this case and
hey, skipper, look. There's a key in there.
I wonder what that's for? I don't know.
But I sure wish
it was for the handcuff lock,
then I just put it in like that, see.
Turn it, and then I could just open it,
and I'd be free, see?
Skipper, I'm free!
Professor! I don't have to worry
about enemy spies showing
up here a-a-and killing me.
No, I don't think we have to worry
about enemy spies showing up at all.
Huh? Huh?
Y-You mean that these aren't
vital United States defense plans?
They're vital defense plans, alright.
From world war I! World war I?
Yes, that case must have
been floating around the pacific
for over 50 years.
There, you see, gilligan?
All the panic you went
through was for nothing.
Panic? What panic?
I wasn't scared, skipper.
If this case had been valuable,
and enemy spies had shown up,
I would have been the bravest
we heard gilligan shouting! We
thought that something was wrong.
It's them! It's Mr. Evil
and his moll! Run! Hide!
Quick, take cover!
They're after the case!
Help, somebody, save me! Help!
Mary Ann was a receptionist,
and she tried to kill me
with a loaded crysan
crysanthu flower.
And ginger was an evil agent,
and she pretended to be my fiancee,
and she tried to kill me
with a kiss of death, and
skipper, you were my mother.
I was your mother?
Yeah, I felt terrible about it.
Well, think how terrible
your father must have felt!
Gilligan, was I in your dream?
Yeah! You were the head of the
good guys, and you sure were tough.
I was?
When you sent me on the mission,
you told me the briefcase
was booby-trapped,
and if I got in a tight spot,
I should blow myself up.
Well, it was only a dream,
but now that the nightmare
is over, let's forget it.
Imagine that. A
booby-trapped attache case!
Did you ever hear anything so silly?
What a dream!
[Blast]
They're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in their tropic island nest ♪
no phone, no light ♪
no motor cars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways
here on gilligan's isle ♪