On the Buses (1969) s03e11 Episode Script

Come on, eat up, mate, or you'll get cold.
No, I'm waiting for Sally, see.
I've got her lunch here, I can't start without her.
Look, mate, we're talking about eating, not snogging.
You're just due to fall for the inspector's niece.
Yeah, well, you've got to admit she is a cracker, ain't she, eh, mate?
Oh, here she is now.
Look.
Ain't she lovely?
Sally?
Sally, darling, I've got your lunch here, dear.
Won't be a minute, darling.
Don't they make you sick, eh?
Well, let's face it, she's not like the other clip, but she's different.
Yeah, well, you've been out with her every night for a fortnight, so if there's
anything different about her, you ought to know.
I only took her out once.
Look, I'm telling you something, she's a very nice girl.
I know, that's why I only took her out once.
Oh, here she comes now, she's coming over.
Oh, blimey, Jack, you might stand up.
What, are they going to play the Queen?
Very funny.
Hello, darling.
Hello, darling.
I've got your lunch, darling.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
Won't be a minute.
Dimples.
Dimples?
You, dimples?
That's the little pet name she gives me.
Well, you haven't got any dimples on your face, what else have you been showing
her?
Now, listen, mate, listen to me.
This what we've got going between me and Sally is serious, I'm telling you.
Serious, mate?
Well, actually, you've been telling me you're going to get married.
So what?
So, what's wrong with getting married?
Oh, now, listen, mate, you're too young.
I mean, you've got a good ten years ahead of you.
What do you want to get married for?
Listen, mate, there's 20 clippies in this step-o and every one of them willing.
Not every one.
Well, 19 of them.
You've got to pick the 20th.
Good.
Now, look, we have a marvellous time together, Sally and I, and we go out for
some beautiful walks.
Oh, what, round a recreation ground?
No, round a furniture shop.
Oh, yeah.
Looking for beds, eh?
No, Sally thought we'd start off with a kitchen table.
Well, that makes sense.
After all, you can't eat off a bed.
Here you are, mate.
Have a fag.
Oh, I've dined with one time, mate, lovely.
Naughty boy.
We've given up smoking, haven't we?
Given up smoking?
Well, just like keeping condition, you know what I mean?
What the hell for?
Oh, there's my Uncle Cyril.
Oh, I must go and have a word with him, won't be long.
See what he says.
Quick as a drag.
I thought we'd given up smoking.
I have for the next two minutes, then I'll give it up again.
I can't give it up overnight, can I?
Come on, then.
Just one more puff, mate, one more puff.
Stan?
What's the matter, Dimples?
Tell me, Dimples, what's wrong?
He keeps blowing the smoke over this way, you see, I can't
Oh, really, Jack, you ought to be strong-willed like Stan and give it up.
I just have.
Listen, have you told your uncle?
Well, it's awfully difficult.
Do you know, he doesn't like you, Stan.
You're joking, of course.
Look, look, he's coming over now, you tell him.
Didn't you tell him, then?
No.
Oh, God.
Butler?
Yeah?
I'd like to have a word with you.
Look, Blakey, what I want to say to you is
Butler?
You've been going out with my niece every evening lately, haven't you?
Yes, and she's a very, very nice girl.
Yeah, that's what I thought, yeah.
Now she tells me, now, that you've got something to tell me that she's too
frightened to tell me herself.
Now, what's been going on, eh?
What do you mean, what's been going on, Butler?
You know, you know what I mean.
Oh, no, it's nothing like that, no.
Oh, good, good.
It's nothing like that at all, no.
I mean, listen, I'd know a decent girl when I see one, don't I?
Yes.
Oh, no, no, no.
From now on, Blakey, your worries are all over.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, you're going to give her up, are you?
No, we're going to get married.
LAUGHTER Married?
Married?
Yeah.
You must be joking.
I'm not joking, no.
If you don't believe me, ask her.
She's an idiot, you see, look.
You can't.
I won't allow it.
What do you mean, you won't allow it?
Blimey, you're not the Pope, you know.
It's all right, I'll make a very good husband.
You?
Yeah.
What sort of husband are you going to make?
It took you five years to learn how to change the gears in a bus?
Useless.
And what about a poor mother when she gets to hear about it?
Oh, my good God, what about a poor mother, eh?
What do you mean, what about a poor mother?
What about my poor mother when she gets to hear about it?
Your mother?
Well, your mother can't complain about having a lovely girl like Sally for her
daughter-in-law.
No!
But she might complain when she finds she's got a bloke like you for an uncle
-in-law.
Poor old girl.
She'll never get over the shock.
Wow, isn't it marvellous, eh?
I knew we was going to have this.
Look, Mum, I'm going to get married.
They're not going to bury me.
Look, my old darling.
Look, I've got to get married sometime.
Yes, I suppose so, love.
It'll be a very sad day when my last little chick flies away.
Little chick?
More like a clapped-out old rooster.
When's the wedding going to be, Stan?
Well, Sally would like it as soon as possible.
Aye, aye.
I knew you'd slip up one day.
Isn't it marvellous?
Trust you to think of a thing like that.
It's got nothing to do with it.
No, it's just that Sally doesn't believe in long engagements.
Yeah, well, of course, personally, I think all young couples should be engaged
for at least two years.
Give them a chance to change their mind if they find they've made a mistake.
I don't see how you get that.
You and Olive were only engaged for two months.
Exactly.
Well, I don't think you ever get to know each other properly, not till you're
married.
That's right.
I didn't know Arthur'd need an operation till after we were married.
Will you give up on bringing that up?
You know, Stan, it is time you settled down, love.
You were getting very set in your ways.
I mean, look what marriage has done for Olive.
It's brought her right out.
Yeah, the trouble is she's never gone back in again.
Where did it be, love?
Well, there's a bit of a snag there, you see, Mum, because Sally's uncle,
that's, you know, Blakey, the inspector.
Yes, I know.
He don't think I'm good enough for her.
What?
My son not good enough for her?
How can an inspector say a thing like that?
What sort of a man is he?
Very truthful, what I'll say.
I think that's awful.
When Arthur told Mum we were getting married, she didn't say he wasn't good
enough for me.
No, she was too busy getting on the blower to the vicar, wasn't she?
You know, we do our best to make her feel at home.
Here, she could even have Olive's old wedding dress.
Get it altered.
Yeah, I want to make up a nice set of sheets.
My wedding dress was beautiful.
Yes, love, it did something for you, made you look glamorous.
Well, the veil did.
What do you mean by that?
I thought that veil was so thick you didn't know which way you were facing half
the time you got your back to the vicar.
It wasn't the veil.
It was so hot, me glasses got all steamed up.
And when the vicar started talking, I thought I was going to sneeze.
I must be the only bridegroom who lifted up the veil of his bride to kiss her
and found the nailers stuffed up her nose.
Oh, really?
Well, I must be the only one.
Shut up, will you two shut up!
Always ends up with you two arguing, doesn't it?
Listen, let's get down to me again.
How can I get round old Blakey?
Well, you've got to be very nice to him, dear.
Yeah.
Why not invite him round tomorrow night with Sally?
Now, that is a very good idea, Mum.
Now, what can we do to make a good impression?
Send them two to the pictures.
I know exactly how you feel about him, right?
Look, why can't we talk about it?
Surely we can have a
Look, why don't we have a cup of tea?
Why don't you come round to my house to have a cup of tea?
Look, you know where I live.
Yes, all right then, Butler, yes.
You will?
Yes, I'll come round tonight, I'll bring Sally.
That's a good idea.
Eight o'clock, right?
Yeah.
Prompt.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, and I'll see that this bus goes out on time.
Don't worry.
What did you say?
Oh, nothing, Jack, nothing much.
Just
Jack, I just remembered, why don't we have a cup of the darts practise with you
tonight?
Huh?
Yeah.
Cos I've got somebody coming round to do tea.
Oh, who's that then?
Who have you got?
No, whisper.
Who is it?
Blakey.
Poor, heavy Dracula round for tea.
Here, mate, don't forget to break the cup afterwards, will you?
Cos, you know, Jack, he's not a bad bloke, I suppose, you know, when you get to
know him like.
Yeah, well, I don't think I'll live that long.
No.
You're crawling.
No, no, no, don't be silly, Jack.
I've decided it might be a good idea if Sally goes on your route with you,
right?
Switch.
Give her a chance to get to know you a bit better.
We'll switch on the other one, all right?
Are you going to stand for that?
Well, Jack, look
I'm sure Stan would prefer me to be with him, wouldn't you, Pat?
Well, yes, dear.
I've been coming to the cemetery gates with you for ten years.
I've given you the best years of my life.
You've got to make the change sometimes, mate.
Come along, Stan.
Better get in your cab.
Oh, and put your cap on straight.
It looks better that way.
Eurgh!
What?
You've got some of that brilliantine on your hair.
You promised you wouldn't.
Sorry, I forgot, darling.
You look much less common with your hair all windswept.
I'll do that for you tonight.
I wish you'd get one of those new tyres.
This is so old-fashioned.
I'll get one, darling, when I think of all the things I've done for you.
You're going to miss me, mate.
Don't be silly.
Sally can do all the things you did for me.
Oh, yeah?
Is she going to fix you up with all the crumpet, is she?
That's all finished with now.
Isn't it, lovey?
Yeah, with him, it never got started.
See you at the other end, darling.
Drive carefully.
Oh, and don't forget, we must leave exactly on time.
Yes, darling.
Darling, leaving on time.
She's changed him already.
Well, there, everything's ready.
They'll be here any minute now.
Here.
Where's Stan?
He's still primping himself for that bird.
He's been in the bathroom for three hours.
He can't have anything left to wash.
He's washing his hair.
He borrowed my new shampoo.
Aye.
Stan, what have you done to yourself?
Well, nothing, Mum.
I just washed my hair, see?
Always goes like that.
See, I can't do anything with it when you wash it.
Well, er
Mind you, er
Looks all right, doesn't it?
You know, sort of, er
Casual.
You certainly look like a casualty.
Don't stand there with that towel around you.
It looks terrible.
I mean, that'd be
Oh!
What?
What on earth have you got round Jordan here?
Ty, Sally bought me, see?
Well, he looks ridiculous, mate.
What do you mean, ridiculous?
Come on, what's wrong with it?
Well, they use a smaller knot than that to tie up the Queen Elizabeth.
Anyway, Sally'll like it.
That's him.
Now, now, tidy up a bit.
I'll go and answer the door.
Now, here, put your jacket on.
Oh, Barbie, what a lot of fuss.
Oh, well, I've taken trouble to make myself look nice.
Have you?
And I've had my hair done.
And I've got false eyelashes on.
Look, Arthur.
You great gump.
They're too big.
Every time you blink, you knock your glasses off.
I think she looks very nice in false eyelashes.
On her face, yes.
Last time they ended up in a custard, didn't they?
Er, Arthur.
This is, er, Cyril.
I mean, Inspector Blake.
And, er, you know Sally.
Hello.
Hello.
The Fat Family.
Oh, Sally, would you like to come and sit down?
Thanks.
And, Inspector Blake, if you'd like to sit there, please.
I'm sorry I'm still wearing my uniform, Mrs Butler, but some of us has to work,
you know.
Yeah, well, Mum.
Would you sit there, Mum?
Oh, yes.
And, er, sit there.
Thank you.
Oh, Sally, you live with your uncle, then?
Yeah, well, Mum lives in the country, you see, so when I wanted a job, I came
to stay with Uncle Cyril.
Oh.
She's not very like you, is she?
Thank God for that.
No, she's, er, I think Sally takes after her mother.
That's my sister, you know.
Oh.
I've got a picture of her, if you'd like to have a look at it.
Oh, yes, I'd love to, er, Mr Blake.
Oh, thank you.
Look there.
Is this your mother?
Yes.
I believe when she was younger she looked just like me.
That's good, Mum.
Oh, yes.
A fine figure of a woman.
Yes.
She's my twin sister, you know.
When we was younger, they couldn't tell us apart.
Is that why you grew a moustache?
I'm glad to see you're as witty at home as you are in the depot, but
Ahem.
I caught a glimpse of her the other day and I was going to
Oh, I was just going to say.
No, I think I'll get some photographs.
Oh, no, Mum.
Don't get those old things out.
Oh, I've got them here.
These are lovely, they're photographs here of Stan when he was a little boy.
Oh, they don't want to see them.
Oh, yes, they would.
Sally may as well see what she's getting.
Oh, look, there he is.
And he's six months old.
He's a shoe, is he?
Chubby little fella, isn't he?
I never thought we were being like that, Sammy.
Oh, look, Stan, I can see your birthmark.
The one you've got on your bottom.
LAUGHTER How do you know he's got a birthmark on his bottom?
Because he told me.
He's got nothing else to talk about?
Oh, I've got one here that you'd like to see.
It's a photo of Olive and Arthur on their wedding day.
Who's the fella with her, then?
It happens to be me.
I had hair when I was married.
I haven't been married for nine years.
Yeah, well, the hair started falling out six months later.
It used to be nice, I used to like Arthur's hair.
Do you remember how I used to run my fingers through it, love?
Yeah, well, you always were a bit heavy-handed, weren't you?
Don't keep picking on me.
It's not my fault you lost your hair, it must be something to do with your
glands.
It's got nothing to do with my glands, you stupid
Well, there must be something
Oh, Sally, would you like a bit of cake?
A bit of cake, love.
That's what I said, do you like a bit of cake?
Bit, it's got a T.
Well, would you like a bit of cake?
Yes, thank you.
All right, I'll cut you a bit.
You mean, I'll cut you a bit.
Yes, dear, I'll cut you a bit.
Another cup of tea, Inspector?
No, thank you, Mrs. Butler, I should be going soon, I think.
Oh, you can't go now, you've only been here an hour.
Yes, well, I have to get up early in the morning, you know.
Someone has to be there on time.
It's Daniel being early.
Turned over a new leaf, haven't you, darling?
Yes, darling, I have.
I think you'll be very happy living here, Sally.
Oh, I couldn't live here.
I thought you were saving up some money for a house.
Oh, I am, I am, darling, yes.
You have?
Yeah.
How much have you saved up, then?
As a matter of fact, I've got near on 15 quid.
15 quid?
For a house?
You couldn't even buy a tent for 15 quid.
No, well, what I meant was, you see, darling, you could stay here while I'm
saving up to get more, and at the same time, Mum could show you how to cook.
Yes, do you remember, Arthur, when we got married, you said you didn't want us
to move out until I'd learnt how to cook.
That's why we've been here nine years.
The way you speak to me, anyone would think I had something missing up there.
You haven't, mate.
One of your eyelashes has just dropped off.
Is Darth learning how to cook nowadays?
Oh, I don't know, love, I mean, I've made that little sponge.
Yeah, that's what I mean.
I don't know why you bother.
I mean, you can buy things so much better in the shops.
Can you really?
Look, I mean, Mum arranged everything.
She done that sponge special.
No, Stan.
Oh, yes, she did.
Mum did it especially for me.
Two mistakes in one sentence, really.
Now, look, Sally, you've been picking me up all night the way I speak.
Look, you've got to take me as I am.
Oh, I'm sure I'll be able to change you as soon as I get you away from here.
Away from here?
Now, listen here, there's nothing wrong with my home and I'm not taking no
cheek from a little bit like you.
No, Mrs Butler, what you should say is, I'm not taking any cheek from you.
Well, whichever way it is, I'm not blinking, well, take it, and you can keep
it.
Now, see that?
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
I told you what you was letting yourself in for.
Fancy knocking around with a busman.
Surely the Gordon could pick up something better than that.
Now, you listen to me, mate, I won't be a driver all my life.
Mrs Butler, the way you've been going on down at the depot lately, you won't be
there for another week.
Oh, now, listen here, my son's going to get promotion.
He's going to be an inspector one day.
An inspector?
Yes.
Mrs Butler, to be an inspector, you need brain.
What a new way of influencing.
Him being an inspector, look at the style of him.
Look, he's got to be smart.
He's got to be smart to be an inspector.
What's that you've got round your neck there?
An old tablecloth, is it?
Your Sally chose this for me.
Well, it looked lovely in the window.
I didn't realise what a twerp you'd look with it on.
You're just not with it.
You're the wrong shape.
None of my children are the wrong shape.
I mean, you've only got to have a look at his shape, haven't you?
See, your family's got nothing to boast about.
That tie looks smashing on the other fellas.
Oh.
Oh, did it?
Well, why don't you go out with all the other fellas, then?
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, I will.
Come on, Uncle.
Oh, are you going?
Have you fixed the date for the wedding yet?
Molly, shut your mouth, darling.
Just let him out.
Thank you for a very entertaining evening, Mrs Butler.
Don't be late tomorrow.
Well, there's one thing.
I suppose I can take my jacket off now, anyway.
Yeah.
Well, I suppose I'll get this tie off.
Yeah.
Get rid of this thing, Mum.
Look at it.
Here, you can have that.
Make a nice pair of curtains.
Oh, what an evening, love.
Anyway, that girl wasn't for you.
Here.
I bet you ain't half glad she's gone.
No, Mum.
No, you should have said, I bet you ain't half glad she's gone.
Oh, come on, love.
Oh, come on.