On the Buses (1969) s03e12 Episode Script

All right, morning Mum, hello love, morning Olive, hello Stan, all right,
what's off, he's out in the shed tuning up his bike, good, stand by for
blasting.
Blimey, what a bike, if they heard those bangs they wouldn't worry about the
Concorde.
Here Arthur, why don't you do something about that bike of yours, I happen to
have just tuned it up, tuned it up, you haven't got much here for music, why
don't you shut up, I've done the best I can, I can't afford to put it in the
garage, the cost of everything's going up isn't it, look we're all suffering
from inflation, well Olive certainly is, well she can't help it if she suffers,
here's your breakfast love, what's this?
Fried bread and bacon, fried bread and bacon, where's the bacon?
Underneath the bread.
God, is that it?
Blimey, no wonder it was underneath there, you was frightened it would blow
away.
Well I'm sorry, everything's so expensive I can't afford to give you any more,
not in the money you give me.
Wow.
Well everything's so expensive we've got to cut down.
Well that's not going to do Olive any harm is it?
I am already cutting down, I've only got one slice of toast.
Blimey, you're putting half a pound of butter on it.
Here you'll have to go easy with the butter love, it's very expensive and it's
going up.
Look it's her fault, it's the law of supply and demand and she's creating a
shortage.
Now look here, I can't cope, you boys have got to give me more housekeeping
money.
Oh don't talk, I can't afford to, I don't know what you do with the money
anyway.
Well we can't do without butter, I've only had a bit.
Well now look, in the war your dad and me had two ounces of butter a week.
Did you manage on that?
I must have done, that's when she was born.
Oh well, you didn't ration everything.
Oh there's the milkman, shh don't say a word.
What's the matter with you?
If he knows we really want pay him, shh.
Well what's the matter, haven't you paid him this week or something?
I haven't paid him for six weeks, get out of sight.
Oh don't be ridiculous, how much do you owe the man?
Six pounds ten.
It's all right, it's gold.
Hey what's Olive doing on the floor?
I thought you was a milkman.
Does she always get on the floor when a milkman calls?
We wish she did, if she did we wouldn't owe him six pounds ten.
Hey I found that note on the doorstep.
No milk today.
What are you talking about?
There's hardly any left, what do you put that out for?
She didn't put it out, the milkman did.
Hey you around here early, what are you doing?
Well I didn't want to be at home when the milkman called.
We're all in the same boat mate.
Oh well I suppose you've gone now, I'll see you down at the depot.
Now listen you two, I'm sick of dodging the trains people, you've got to give
me more money.
Don't keep picking on me, my boy don't need chipping with a bit more
housekeeping.
Because I cannot afford to.
I've had rather a lot of expenses recently, I've got to attach my motorbike in
two weeks haven't I?
Oh that rotten thing, it's a damn nuisance, why don't you flog it?
Because it happens to be the only pleasure I've got left in life.
Well you can't have a motorbike and a wife, something's got to go.
Hey, perhaps you're right.
Well sorry to lose you love.
Don't say such things, anyone would think Arthur'd rather have his motorbike
than Olive.
Well a bike has got its attractions.
Now look mate listen, why don't you put an ad in the local paper, I'll help you
to make one out.
Look mate I have not yet decided to get rid of it.
I think he'd rather sell me.
All right I'll put an ad in about you.
One owner, oddly used, two seats, well upholstered.
How can you say such things?
At least I'm in good running order.
Well how would we know?
You haven't been working for three years.
I read in a paper about how in Africa you can barter your wife for free cows.
Pretty we can't do that here, then we wouldn't have to worry about the milk.
Arthur, will you stop talking about selling Olive and think about selling your
bike, we need the money.
All right.
She's right Arthur, let's go and have a look in the shed, see if we can pick
out his finer points.
All right.
Come on then.
Here, bring a bit of pencil and paper.
All right I've got one.
Why it's always me who has to make the sacrifices in this house, I don't know.
Because I've got nothing to sacrifice, have I?
What are you talking about?
All the birds you take out, you can save up there.
That's nothing to do with you, my birds have got nothing to do with you.
Let's talk about the bike mate, let's talk about the bike.
Right, how then?
What are we going to say about it?
Yeah, what are we going to say about it?
Well, get us a bit of paper, we have to start somewhere.
Got a pen or something?
Yeah.
Right, how then?
Well for sale, we can put that on can't we?
Right, for sale.
Motorbike combination with helmet goggles, brand new.
What are you talking about?
The bike's not brand new.
No, but the helmet and the goggles are.
Bargain must be sold, I like this, bargain must be sold, owner going abroad.
I'm not, I'm not going abroad mate.
If you flog this mate, you might have to.
Go on, let's be sensible.
Now then, what can we say about the bodywork?
Yeah, all right then, all right then.
Two-tone colour.
That's very good.
With brown finished metalwork.
Where's the brown?
All the rusty bits.
Right, now then, let's see, what can we say about the inside?
Oh, right, there we are mate.
Nothing.
You are not being very helpful are you?
Well, blimey, the inside is as bad as the outside.
Well, all right then, say it's got a matching interior.
Very good, I like that, very clever, matching interior.
Wait a minute, interior.
We should say something like, can be seen anytime.
Right, what time's it get dark?
Half past six, why?
Right, can be seen anytime after seven.
Right, I've got another one here.
One careful owner.
What are you talking about?
It's had eight altogether.
I know, but you can see the other seven weren't particular.
Right, now let's see what that reads like mate.
For sale, motorbike combination with helmet and goggles brand new.
Bargain must be sold, owner going abroad.
Two-tone colour with brown finish metalwork, matching interior.
Can be seen anytime after seven.
One careful owner.
Great in the paper, that'll look great.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
What do you mean no, no, no, no?
That would weigh against my conscience mate.
I mean it's deliberate fraudulation isn't it?
It's just a mess of lies.
I mean under the existing laws you could get fined 500 pounds and shoved inside
for three months.
No, you go inside for three months.
Right, that's it then.
No, don't be so childish.
All right, we won't put it in the paper.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll stick it up on a notice board at the depot.
Got nothing to lose have we?
No, could not.
Right.
Anyone nibbled yet?
No.
Well any old knobby clerk.
I think he must have seen the bike.
Why's that?
Look at his foot on the bottom.
Keep death off the road.
Sight is ridiculous really.
Yeah.
But none of our fellas have got enough money have they?
Nah, you're right there mate.
Anyway, where are you gonna find a mug stupid enough to buy that load of old
rubbish?
Yeah, you're right really.
I think we just found one.
Listen mate, I don't reckon you've got hope in hell of flogging that motorbike
to Blakely.
Look, let's try shall we?
Let's see.
All right.
Yeah.
Right, just follow what I say.
Hi Blakely.
You all right Blakely?
None the better for you arsey.
Only uh, I didn't think he looked well Jack.
Eh?
What?
I said he didn't look well.
Oh no, no, no, you look all in.
Yeah.
What's all these solicitations for anyway?
All right mate, if you don't believe us, ask somebody else.
Here, talk to me mate.
Yeah.
Don't you think Blakely's looking very pale?
Not half.
Yeah?
Of course he looks, of course he thinks I look pale.
We all look pale to him don't we?
You look a bit um, let's have a listen to you.
Let's have a listen.
What?
Blimey Jack.
Yeah?
What's the matter then?
You're tickering off going at a rate mate.
What do you mean watch?
What are you talking about?
I wasn't talking, I know the difference between a watch and an heart mate.
Now look, I know Blakey that you and I, well we've had our differences of
opinion in the past but let's face it, well, we wouldn't like to see you go.
It's nice to hear you say that.
No, otherwise we'd have to have a whip round for a wreath.
No, don't muck about.
No, no, seriously Blakely, I reckon the bloke in your position ought to have a
little car or something.
Yeah.
Oh I know that yes, but I can't afford it can I?
Oh no.
Here, I'll tell you what, why don't you have a look at my brother-in-law's
motorbike?
You know aren't they Shane?
Right.
50 quid and I reckon if he knows it's you, he'll let you have it a bit cheaper.
Yeah, I bet he would.
No, I don't want a motorbike mate, I've got my bike, that keeps me fit.
All right, but don't say, don't say I didn't warn you.
Hey, you've got him worried mate, he's looking at himself in a mirror.
That'll really give him an heart attack.
Oh Butler.
Yes Blakely.
When could I have a look at that motorbike your brother-in-law's?
Motorbike?
Oh, tomorrow morning.
I'll let you have a look at it before I go on duty.
Yeah, what sort of condition is it in?
Condition?
Tip-top, as new.
Well I'm not saying I'm interested, but I'll have a look tomorrow morning.
I've got to hand it to you, I never thought you'd flog in that bike.
I'm a bit worried though mate.
Why's that?
Well you see, from my house to the depot, it's three miles.
Well so what?
I don't think that bike can make it.
Oh, do we have to do all this?
Oh, stop moaning.
Look, we've got to tart the bike up, haven't we?
See if the engine works all right.
Blakely's not that much of an idiot, you know.
Right, let's see how the engine does work, shall we Arthur?
Yeah.
Right.
Why haven't you done anything about the engine?
I happen to be rather busy fixing the uter.
Blimey, the noise that engine makes, mate, you don't need an interuter.
Yeah, I'll tell you what to do.
Now Arthur, take that inspection cap off your gearbox.
What on earth for?
Just you take it off and I'll show you what I mean.
Right, now then.
Have you got it off?
Yeah.
Right, now put that funnel in it.
Put that funnel in it.
Yeah, that's not going to make the engine quieter, is it?
Look mate, this is very, very technical.
All the boys do this.
It's a well-known old trick.
What is it?
Well, it's what we call the three-in-one mixture, you see.
Right, it's one part oil.
Yeah.
Right.
And three parts sawdust.
Blimey!
Here, are you sure that's going to make the engine quieter?
I am positive, mate.
There's only one thing, it only lasts for about half hour.
Oh, yeah.
I didn't have a thought of that.
I can see that.
I'll tell you what, the bloke who sold it to you did.
Yeah, I sold it.
There you go.
Right, is it in then?
Right, mate, is it in?
Yeah.
Put the cap on.
Right, let's see how it goes now.
Now then.
Come out of it, come out of it, come out.
Now then, now then.
Watch this, son, watch it, watch it.
And that's sweet, and that's sweet.
Don't waste it, don't waste it.
Switch it off, switch it off, don't waste it.
Right.
There you are, Stan.
I've given your exhaust pipe a clean inside and out.
Right.
Inside?
How do you do that?
With the stuff I put down the watsit, you know.
The stuff is, it gets right round the bend and does all the little bits you
can't see.
Now, Arthur, mate, I'll tell you what, I'm going to put a bit of this special
tape along the bodywork of this oddy thing here.
Well, what possible use could that be?
Well, apart from tightening it up, you see, it'll hold the body together.
Well, blimey, let's face it, mate, look at this one here, look.
Yeah, well, well, well.
Ollie did that last year at my gate.
It wasn't my fault.
I had to have some way to change into me bathing costume.
You've changed in there?
It wasn't easy.
It took me over half an hour to get into my bikini.
I didn't think they made bikinis your size, love.
They don't, that's why it took over half an hour.
Oh, come on, sunshine, I gave you a hand with the tyre levers.
Oh, it was most embarrassing.
I was just about to change into my costume when this fella came and peeped in
there and I had nothing on except me crash helmet.
What happened, love?
They treated the bloke for sure.
Oh, well, that's it.
I don't think we'll have much of a job of flogging that to Blakey tomorrow.
Well, I shall be very sad to see her go.
As I said yesterday, it's the only pleasure I have left in life.
Oh, how can you say a thing like that?
There are other things you know.
Doesn't think, does he, Stan?
No, love.
No, he forgot the telly.
Well, Blakey, what do you think?
The sidecar's a bit ropey, isn't it?
Well, the engine's a thing, mate.
Let's hear the engine.
You want to hear the engine?
Right, here we go then, boy.
That's sweet, isn't it?
Oh, that's lovely.
Sweet as a nut, isn't it?
Well, switch it off, don't waste it.
Oh, there's no loose cogs or gear wheels there, mate, like a buzzsaw.
Well, let's face it, it's just been reconditioned, isn't it?
Yeah, but you know what some of them dealers are like, you know?
When they do them, yeah, they put a load of sawdust in the gearbox.
Really?
They do, yes, but they couldn't fool me, mate.
When you've got a skill deer like mine, it would detect that in an instant.
Yeah, yeah, of course you can, yeah.
Well, I think it's a nice, cheap little 50 quidsworth, what do you say?
Yeah, 50 quids, a lot of money, isn't it, eh?
I don't need that sidecar for a start, do I?
I'm sorry, Blakey, boy, that goes with the bike.
I mean, don't charge you any more.
But listen, I think you've overlooked one fact, mate.
What?
You could take your old lady out for a ride on a Sunday, isn't it?
My old lady in there?
Yes, yes.
A bit of a bumpy ride, wouldn't it?
Marvellous in there, isn't it, Jack?
It's just like a limousine.
Yeah.
I'd like to have a trial of that first, I think.
I don't think I'd take a chance.
We can't speak fair in that.
Let him get inside.
In you get.
Go on, in you go, mate.
Go on.
That's it, open the little door.
There we are.
In you get.
That's the idea.
That's right.
You all right, mate?
No.
It's a bit of a tight fit, isn't it?
No, you'll have to get out and get in again.
You've got to put your feet in first, you see.
A bit of science is what you need there.
That's it, there you are.
What could be simpler than that?
Yeah, it's lovely.
You've got a lot of room here, has you?
It's a bit tight in here.
Look, I've got me knees right under me chin here, look.
That's a very, very good position, mate, and it stops you from being sick.
That's the idea.
Lovely.
Lovely, boy.
Hang on, it won't close.
Oh, now, one minute, I see.
Oh, yeah, see what's happened, yes.
Now, it needs a bit of a push down.
After three.
One, two, three, whoo!
All right, mate?
You're taking a bit of a chance, taking him out on a trial spin, aren't you?
Look, I've got it all worked out, mate.
Yeah?
I'm taking him the Bodley Roadway.
Well, why there?
Because it's two miles down hill, see?
Clever, yeah.
Here, hang about.
How are you going to get back?
Well, pick that up, mate, will you?
Yeah.
Because you're coming with me, see?
Come on, mate, what for?
In case we have to push it back up the hill.
All right, get on board, mate.
All right, Blakey, mate?
There's not a lot of room in here, is there?
All right, I'll take it.
Lovely.
It was just having a bit of a freeze-out.
stupid Berkley, Northwood!
It's jammed, isn't it?
I see it's solidly built, and we'll need a crowbar for that.
I tell you what, break the glass.
All right, I'll spoil it.
Fine.
Come on, Jack, quick.
No, fellas, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.
Come on, get in there.
Don't worry, Blakey, we'll soon have you out.
The couch is jammed, mate, we can't do that.
The couch is jammed?
Give us something, we'll have to knock the hinges off.
We're going to knock the hinges off, mate, will you?
No, it won't work, no, that's no good.
No, it's all right, it won't work.
Oh, that's a job now, mate.
Here, I'll blame it on you, see?
We'll now cut through anything.
Yes, but I won't blame you.
You're trying to kill me, Peter.
We've done it, we're through.
Now we're out, that's it, that's lovely.
Right, now, in front of me now, you've done it.
Look, Blakey, you'll have to help us.
Press on the floor with your feet, see?
And push up after three, after three.
One, two, three.
Blimey, he's at you now.
That's what we want, yeah.
Right, that's it, that's it.
Hold it, fellas.
Come on, Blakey.
Now, you're all right now, you're all over.
What an experience.
I shall never forgive you for this, but as long as I live, as long as I live, I
won't forgive you for this.
Yeah, thanks, just a bit, fellas, yeah.
It's all over, it's all over.
Oh my, you're late out.
Am I?
Come on, ten minutes ago you should have been out on the 1030 to the cemetery
gates.
You know, I'll see you about this later on.
Blakey, I do want to say I'm very sorry about this.
Sorry?
Shut up!
You could have killed me in that thing, do you know that?
You could have killed me.
What would you have done then, eh?
Well, I would have fitted some brass handles on it and then you could have come
with us to the cemetery gates.