On the Buses (1969) s03e13 Episode Script

MUSIC APPLAUSE
Two arrows out, straight in.
Oh, lovely.
Great dance player.
Well, he's got the knack, hasn't he?
Is Edna over there?
She's crying.
What's wrong with her?
Listen, mate, don't get involved with a bird who turns on the waterworks.
The last time I went out with a bird who started crying, I got away as sharp as
I could.
Her old man was with a shotgun, that's why.
I've got to find out.
Hello, Edna darling.
What's up, love?
Oh, Stan, it's awful.
I've had a row with my landlady.
She's thrown me out of my room.
Oh.
What for?
Well, she's such a fussy old gal.
And she says that I'm untidy.
And she doesn't like my little doggy.
And then to crown it all, you didn't bring me up till after midnight last
night, so she threw me out this morning.
I haven't got anywhere to sleep tonight.
Oh, now, don't cry, love, don't cry.
Have you got a handkerchief?
Yes, there you are, darling.
Use my tie.
Oh, Stan!
Oh, don't worry.
We'll think of something.
I've asked all the girls here.
They don't know what to do.
They can't help.
I left her right and my mum should go mad.
Well, I've got to admit, you see, love, it's very difficult in this town.
Stan, you'll have to help me.
I thought it was your fault.
What a beast.
I knew this would happen sooner or later.
Butler.
What?
I'd like a word with you, if I may.
What about?
It's private.
All right.
I won't be a minute, Edna.
I'm awfully sorry about this, my dear.
I can't tell you how sorry I am.
But don't worry.
I'll see I'll keep you working right up until the last minute.
I hope and trust for your sake you're thinking of doing the right thing by this
girl.
Well, let's face it.
Look, what can I do?
What can you do?
Yeah.
I will not tolerate this sort of behaviour at the depot.
When did it happen?
This morning.
This morning?
That's ridiculous, Butler.
I mean, she takes a certain amount
What are you talking about?
Has the landlady heard about it?
She chucked her straight out, mate.
And I know she's told me why she chucked her out, mate.
Because she don't like her little dog.
That's it.
I mean, let's face it, mate.
It's very difficult to get digs in this town, isn't it?
Right.
What do you want me to do?
I said, what do you want me to do?
I'll tell you what I want you to do.
I want you to get in that bus and get it out.
That's what I want you to do.
Burp.
What's the matter with him?
Here, you don't know where we can get some digs, do you?
Poor old Dennis.
He's got chucked out of us.
Ain't it a shame?
I'll tell you what.
I wish I had the rum.
I mean, fancy having a bird like that for a lodger, eh?
Yeah.
She's a cracker, isn't she?
Yeah.
Hey, I've got an idea.
What?
You never use your front room.
Why don't you take her then?
I can't do that, really.
Listen, mate, after a couple of weeks, you'll be like brother and sister.
Blimey, I don't want her to be like brother and sister.
That's not what I mean.
I mean, what have you got to lose?
I mean, you've never got anywhere with her.
Now's your big chance.
Yeah.
Shall I?
Go on, mate.
Have a go.
Edna.
Yeah?
I've been thinking.
We've got a spare room in our house and perhaps Mum will let you have that.
Would she?
Yeah.
I can only pay £3 a week rent.
Yeah, well, I think that'll be all right.
I think Mum will be quite happy with that.
Oh, I'll be so grateful.
I won't forget it.
I promise you.
Well, I think the old idea is ridiculous.
We can't have a lodger in this house.
The house isn't big enough.
We could do with the money.
I don't know what you're talking about, big enough.
All the houses down this street are the same and they've all got a lodger.
Yeah, well, they haven't got Olive.
Look, mate, we don't use the front room, right?
I can sleep down in your camp bed and the lodger can take my room upstairs.
That's my clever stand.
You mean to say you're willing to give up your room and sleep down here?
Since it's next to yours, mate, it'd be a pleasure.
What do you mean by that?
Those walls are filling a new thing, I'll tell you that, mate.
I can hear everything that goes on in your room.
Nothing goes on in our room.
Look, let's stop it, Willie.
We were talking about lodgers, weren't we?
Last week you said to me we couldn't manage on the money, right?
Right.
Right, now then, if it's my room I'm going to give up, I don't see anything to
do with you whatsoever.
Anyway, I've practically promised it to somebody down at the depot.
Oh, well, I suppose if you've got someone in mind.
I can't deny we could do with the money.
I suppose we just had to put up with this bloke.
Actually, it's not a bloke, you see.
It's a clippy.
Clippy?
Yeah.
We're going to have one of your birds living in this house?
Oh, no.
There'll be no goings-on in my house.
Still, it would be rather nice to have a lady lodger.
Like having another daughter.
When I was expecting Olive, they thought she was going to be twins.
Seems a reasonable assumption.
Now, now, shut up, the pair of you.
Listen, I wouldn't mind having this girl.
Here, how much would she pay?
Well, I said
The average round here is five pound a week.
Five quid?
I said, if she gave us three quid, we'd be happy to have her.
You mean you'd be happy to have her?
Now, look, it's my room I'm giving up, right?
Now, then, I think we should take this clippy.
And I think three pound a week's a very fair price.
Well, I'll tell you what we'll do, love.
We'll try it for a week.
See how it works.
Of course, with somebody else in the house, there's going to be a lot of wear
and tear.
With her upstairs, him downstairs, the only thing that can get worn out is the
stair cup.
Dan, to fix me up with a room in his house.
Yeah, well, it was my idea, you know.
Oh, was it?
Well, it came in very handy.
I don't know where I'd have slept tonight.
Well, I'd have thought of something.
I bet you wouldn't have given up your bed for me.
Well, I'd have given up half of it.
Anything for a friend, eh?
Oh, you are awful.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, Stan's off now.
Has he taken you back to his place with him?
No, I've got another run on the number 10.
But he's gone to pick up my things for me.
He's so sweet.
Oh, there he is.
Oh, Stanley, are you all right?
Is it too much for you?
No, I can carry much more than this.
Could you?
Yeah.
Oh, then I wonder if you'd mind taking Coco with you.
Who the hell's Coco?
My little doggie.
Hey, he's on a lead.
He are?
All right, then, yeah.
Well, I'll go and get him.
He's in the restroom.
Oh, I'm ever so grateful.
See you next, see you next.
You lucky devil.
And that's only the beginning, then.
Yeah, not half.
Heads up, there's Dracula.
What's all this, then, Butler?
You're not emigrating, are you?
Of course I ain't.
What a pity.
What's that you got in here, then?
I
I
I
Yeah, it's up to you and I, mate, to tell you that what a fellow member of the
union has in his baggage has got nothing to do with you, nosy parker.
Now, if you must know, I'm taking Edna to clip me.
She's staying at our house as a lodger.
Edna?
Yeah.
Good grief.
Does her poor mother know this?
Poor mother?
What's it got to do with you, anyway?
Dad, here's my little dog, Coco.
Yeah!
I see him.
Yeah.
He's only little, isn't he?
Yeah.
Must rush on to you, aren't you?
Yeah, all right, then.
Is that her dog?
Yeah.
You know, I was worried about the poor girl's welfare.
Made my day in a sense.
Lovely jacket.
So, you know what, baby?
Give us a hand with some of this stuff here.
Sorry, mate, I'm not going your way.
Tell you what, sling a saddle on him.
He'll ride him home.
I'll get this number 14.
It goes right at the bottom of my road.
Come on, Coco.
Come on.
Come on.
Give me that.
I'm going in the bus, mate.
That's it.
That's the idea.
Oi, oi, oi.
What?
Where do you think you're going, then?
Well, this bus goes right at the bottom of my road, sir, and I've got all this
gear.
You're not taking that dog on the bus, mate.
Why not?
Well, the other passengers might object to that creature on the bus, mightn't
they?
Well, they don't object when you get on.
Listen, I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll take him upstairs.
With the looks of him, you won't be taking him anywhere, mate.
Come on, get him off.
You're not taking that dog on one of our buses.
Get him off.
All right, then.
That's it.
I'll walk, then.
I'll walk.
Go on, mate.
It'll be good for you, won't it?
God, this stupid bird.
I've got three miles to walk home, you know.
Never mind, mate.
Just think what you've got waiting in store for you.
Remember, the time I get this lot home, mate, I'll be too worn out.
Come on, mate.
I said it was a mistake having that girl in this house.
I mean, she's been in the bathroom over an hour.
Imposition.
And you never told her she was bringing that enormous great hound.
Blimey, he ain't that big.
Well, does she have to have it?
I think she ought to give it away.
She can't do that.
Mum has a special sort of a dog.
It's sort of part greyhound.
I presume the other part is Shetland pony.
Great fat lump.
Well, at least it makes Olive look slim.
Very humorous.
Lodge of pain, three pounds a week.
I suppose she expects us to feed him.
Oh, well, he won't eat much, love.
I'll give him all the scraps.
I thought in this house the scraps were reserved for me.
You said I was a bit long in the bath.
No, you weren't all that long, darling.
Only one hour, 40 minutes.
Oh, was I really?
Oh, dear.
Still, I had a lovely bath.
I'm blowing all over.
Are you really?
Oh, good, my nightie's dry.
I wanted a clean one.
It's one of those new nylon ones.
Do you like it?
It's dolly, isn't it?
Oh, Arthur doesn't like me to wear see-through nighties.
He says they're not nice.
Well, I don't see the point when all you can see through is a long woolly vest.
Here.
It's not very warm, is it?
Here, I hope you're not going to be cold tonight.
Oh, no, I'm always lovely and warm in bed.
My type.
Oh, well, I'll say goodnight then.
I'll just take Coco up.
Oh, Ian, are you having the dog in your bedroom?
Oh, yes.
You see, living away from home, I get nervous at night.
Coco's a wonderful dog.
If anyone creeps into my room, he'll bark and he'll wake the whole house.
What are all you laughing at?
Get your face.
Don't bark at me.
Well, I brought him home, didn't I?
Nice dog.
Lovely dog.
Me friend.
Yes.
You see, what I was thinking, Edna, is that Mum doesn't like animals in the
bedroom.
Do you, Mum?
Well, no, love, not really.
In any case, I'm sleeping in the parlour.
I mean, he won't be lonely.
No, he won't, will he?
Oh, well, see you all in the morning.
Goodnight, Stan.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Well, perhaps we can get in the bathroom now and off to bed.
Olive, you go first.
Goodnight, Stan.
Goodnight, Mum.
Goodnight, Olive.
It's getting late, love.
Now, listen, Stan, you've got everything down from your room upstairs, because
I don't want you going into that girl's room just as she's gone to sleep.
As if I would.
Oh-ho.
And what does that mean?
My Stan has been brought up to respect his girlfriends.
He'll wait till after he's married, like Olive did.
And being married to you, I should think she's still waiting.
I'll remember that.
Well, look here, love, here's your pyjamas and there's your dress again.
Don't fuss me over, darling.
Right, love.
Yeah, that's all right.
Goodnight, Mum.
Goodnight, love.
Oh, Stan.
Oh, Mrs Butler.
Just to say that if Coco barks in the night, I'll be straight down to see to
him.
Oh.
Oh, will you?
Because, you see, I know how to soothe him.
Yes, yes, of course.
So I'll be done, all right?
Yes.
Yes, all right.
Goodnight.
Goodnight, Edna, yes.
Goodnight, love.
What a considerate girl.
I knew you'd like her, Mum, yes.
Yes, love.
Oh, Stan, look at your overcoat, all screwed up here.
I'll see to it, Mum.
You fuss too much, don't you, me old darling?
Goodnight, then.
Goodnight, love.
God bless you.
Yeah, God bless, darling.
Be a good boy.
God, me knees.
Yes.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, very nice, that.
See what this looks like, eh?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, Edna, my darling.
Oh.
Oh.
I love you.
I fancied you, Edna, from the very first time I saw you.
What do you think you're going as?
What the hell are you doing down here?
I came down to get Olive's chill play night, my mate.
What?
What's all this, then, eh?
A new pyjamas.
Give me some, Mike, give me some here.
Playboy pyjamas.
A night where women can't resist guaranteed crease-proof youth.
Listen, we happen to have a lodger in this house, and I've got a little bit of
respect, mate.
I don't want her coming down in the morning and seeing me in these rotten old
things.
Look at them.
They're all worn out.
When you come down to breakfast in the morning, you'll probably be worn out.
Well, that's worn up and safe for you, mate.
So lay off of Edna, will you?
And remember this.
I'm sleeping down here and she's upstairs.
And another thing.
She's a very nice girl.
Ha!
Parading around in that skimpy dressing gown with nothing on underneath.
Oh.
You noticed it, did you?
I did happen to notice, yes.
Smashing, weren't it?
A bit fetching.
Here you are.
I got you going, didn't I?
Yeah.
Yeah, I must have been.
Well, take your tube-laying ointment and get back up to Ollie.
I'll tell you something, mate.
I'd catch you parading round that landing tonight.
That fancy piece of yours would be out in her ear in the morning.
Well, then.
You're jealous!
Edna!
Edna!
Edna!
What are you doing here?
Waiting to go in the loo.
Oh.
Oh, well, goodnight, then.
Yes, goodnight, Ollie.
Arthur.
Arthur.
Wake up, Arthur.
Oh, shut up.
Go to sleep.
Oh, Arthur.
Wake up.
Please, please, Arthur.
Oh, will you give over?
I've got a hard day tomorrow.
What do you think you're doing?
What's going on?
What's all the row about?
This son of yours was trying to get into that young lady's room.
Oh, stay.
Oh, absolutely nothing of the sort.
Nothing of the sort.
What happened, Mum?
You see, I came up to go to the what's-it, you know.
Yeah.
And I was a bit sleepy.
And, er, it falls a fair bit hard to sleep.
Oh, well, that's different, isn't it?
It's a good job Arthur saw you.
Yeah.
Could have been very embarrassing.
Imagine what would have happened if he hadn't stopped you.
I am.
Goodnight, Mum.
Sleep well.
He will.
Look, I've got a little chat with you, mate.
Look, it's a bit dodgy up there, see.
Now, she said if you bark, she'll come down and look after you.
So, come on, son, get cracking.
Get barking.
Go on, bark.
What's the matter with you?
Bark.
You know how to do it.
Open your mouth and go woof, go on.
I'll blow you as stubborn as Arthur.
Don't mind, I'll do it myself.
Hang on.
Woof!
Woof!
Woof, woof!
Woof!
Woof!
Woof, woof!
Arthur, why aren't you asleep?
I would have thought that was evident.
Oh, sweetheart, why didn't you wake me earlier?
I'll just get the door.
That can't wait.
The only thing that's keeping me awake is that blasted dog.
Woof!
Woof!
Woof!
Hey, I didn't need you, son.
I did it on my own.
I've got a better woofer than you.
I was going woof, I was.
Woof, woof!
Woof!
What the hell do you think you're doing?
I was woofing.
I've got it, mate.
I've got it.
You were trying to entice that young lady down there, weren't you?
Don't be ridiculous.
No.
The dog was lonely.
What were you doing?
Conversing with him?
No.
Edna, what's the matter with Coco?
Why, I'm sorry he's woken you all up.
What's all the ramble about?
What's going on?
It's all right now, Mum.
It's all right now, Mum.
Edna's here.
She can look after him.
I'll go and look after him.
There's something the matter with him barking like that.
It's not his usual bark.
It's all sad.
Different.
Almost human.
Well, don't him barking all night.
I think you'd better take him upstairs with you, love.
Anyway, Stan would be much happier if he's upstairs with you.
No, Mum.
I do so agree.
I mean, with him down here, our poor Stan won't get a good night's sleep, will
he?
No, come on, darling.
There he is.
Well, goodnight to all.
Goodnight, Edna.
Goodnight, Stan.
Goodnight, Mum.
Goodnight, lover boy.
Here.
If I were you, I'd take a couple of those.
What are these?
Olive's sleep interprets.
Hey.
I messed it up last night, son.
But I've got it all organised.
I won't mess it up tonight, I tell you.
Oh, hello, Stan.
Hello, Jay.
What are you doing here?
I thought you'd gone to the pictures with the rest of the family.
Hey, I've got it all organised tonight, mate.
I said Edna could
You know, I look after the dog so Edna can go out.
And I'm getting more friendly with him all the time.
Yeah, well, I wouldn't get too excited, mate.
Because Edna is going out.
Is she?
Yeah, she's going out with me.
What are we talking about, going out with you?
Well, I mean, she told me what happened.
You know, how she was in her room all night.
You never even gave her a goodnight kiss, so
I was bliming with Arthur and the old lady.
I couldn't do much about it, but tonight
Oh, Jack.
Oh, Stan, it's ever so sweet of you to offer to look after Coco tonight.
Yeah, well, come on, darling, we mustn't be late.
You got your front door key, have you?
Yes, Mrs Butler gave it to me.
Jack's promised me a fabulous evening.
Goodnight, Stan.
Have you seen her?
Where's she going?
Nowhere.
You see, my family's going out as well.
So we've got an empty house to ourselves.
Well, goodnight, Stan.
Goodnight.
Oh.
Well, I hope you like the television, mate, because that's all we're going to
get tonight.
Oh, there we are.
Go on, then.
THE
END