The Brady Bunch (1969) s03e13 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Hey, Alice, you all set?
Oh, yeah, Mr. Brady,
don't worry about a thing.
Got it all worked out.
How you going to do it?
Good old-fashioned toothache.
When Mrs. Brady takes me to the dentist
you take the kids to the photographers.
Hey, I hope it works.
It's kind of hard to put
anything over on Mrs. Brady.
Mike
Oh, that's a shame, Alice.
What's a shame?
( Groaning )
What's the matter?
Alice has a terrible toothache.
Well, it, uh, is beginning to swell.
I really think I ought to get to my dentist.
Well, of course.
Well, I wouldn't dream
of letting you drive me, Mrs. Brady.
I can take a bus.
I only have to transfer three times is all.
Now, don't be ridiculous, Alice.
I'm driving you, and no arguments.
Thanks a wot.
Poor Alice.
( Phone rings )
Hello?
Mr. Brenner?
Oh, yeah, from the playground.
What can I do for you?
Jan? What about her?
Is Jan all right?
Are you sure?
Well, I, I doubt it
but I'll look into it right away, Mr. Brenner.
Yeah, uh, thanks for calling.
What is it, Mike?
Mr. Brenner says Jan left the playground
and she took some girl's bike.
Took some girl's bi Oh, that's silly.
Jan has her own bike.
He also says he has an eyewitness
who says she stole it.
Stole it?
Well, I don't believe it.
Let's see what this is all about.
Hi.
Jan, we just got a call from Mr. Brenner.
What about?
He said you took
someone else's bike
from the playground.
Why would I do that?
I've got my own bike.
Oh, Jan, this isn't your bicycle.
Among other things,
yours has a dent in it
where Bobby ran into it that day.
You're right, this isn't my bicycle.
Well, it does look like hers.
It's the same make, same
color, everything. Yeah.
What a dumb-head I am.
How could I have taken
somebody else's bicycle?
I'm sorry.
Oh, honey, we were sure
it was just a mistake.
Oh, goodness, I've got to run.
I've got to get Alice to the dentist.
I'm sorry about the bike mix-up, Dad.
I guess I was in
such a hurry to get home
that I didn't look close enough.
Yeah, well, now you scoot
and get the bike back fast.
Because we've got to take
that picture taken
before they get back
from the dentist, okay?
Okay. Do you think
mom suspects anything?
Well, hope she suspects one thing.
What?
That I'm a husband who
forgets wedding anniversaries.
I'll see you. Okay.
I'll hurry.
Bye. Hurry.
Alice, if I didn't know better,
I'd swear you had a real swollen jaw.
What do you got in there?
( Moaning ) Come on, don't over do it.
Gee, I'm sorry I took so long.
I certainly appreciate do this, Mrs. Brady.
Well, you don't think
I'd let you go down
That's funny,
I could have sworn the swelling
was on the other side.
You better hurry, before
it hurts on both sides.
Come on, scoot.
Glad it's my wisdom teeth.
I need all the smart I can get.
We'll be back just
as soon as we can, honey.
Take all the time you need.
The way my tooth feels,
it may take hours.
Maybe all afternoon.
Okay, kids!
How do I look?! You look okay.
( All chatting at once )
Does my hair look okay?
I'll back the car out.
Smile, children.
Hey, that looks pretty
good to me, Mr. Gaylord.
Perhaps to an amateur, Mr. Brady.
But not to Gregory Gaylord.
Smile, children.
Well, let's have a nice, big smile, huh?
Oh, that's good, very good.
All right.
Ready set
Wait.
Film.
I forgot to put in the film.
It's here somewhere.
I know it's here's the film.
Imagine, a professional
forgetting to put in the film.
All right, kids.
Okay, kids, let's try it again now.
Everybody smile.
Oh, this is going to be
beautiful, Mr. Brady.
All right ready and set and
Color.
I want color.
Where's my color plate?
Hang in there, kids.
Can I help you?
It's here somewhere, I know
Here's my color plate.
Imagine, Gregory Gaylord
forgetting his color plate.
He'd have a great memory
if he could remember where he kept it.
All right, children.
Let's have that smile again.
Jan, honey, don't squint, don't squint.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to squint.
Ready now.
Everybody say say
ALL: Cheese!
Cheese.
Cheese.
Say cheese.
Ready? Set
ALL: Cheese.
Got it!
That was perfect, kids.
Now let's take some better ones.
When do I get the pictures, Mr. Gaylord?
Well, I'll have the proofs in the morning.
No, make that Tuesday Wednesday
whichever comes first.
Anyway, with the frame you picked out
it will be ready in about four or five days.
Oh, well, that's great.
It's for my anniversary
and that's a week from Saturday.
Oh, no problem, then. I'll have it framed
and delivered to your house.
Oh, listen, no, don't deliver it.
Call me when it's ready and I'll pick it up,
'cause it's a surprise.
A surprise oh, I love surprises.
Hey, kids, come on
we've got to hurry up and beat your mom
and Alice back to the house.
( All agreeing )
Fine-looking children, Mr. Brady.
How long have you been married?
Three years.
Three years six kids.
Everything these days
rush, rush, rush.
Hi, honey, how's everything at the office?
I think I'd come home a little early today.
Good.
What's that?
Well, it's a letter we got today
from Jan's teacher,
Mrs. Denhoff. Let's see.
She says Jan's grades
have been falling off.
"Lacking energy and having
trouble concentrating"?
Huh, that's not like Jan.
I know, I can't understand it.
She's always been a good student.
Honey, I'd like you to read this letter.
It's from your teacher, Mrs. Denhoff.
I'm sorry.
I'll try to do better.
Jan, read it again.
This time out loud.
No, no, no from here.
"Dear Mr. And Mrs. Brady
"in the post in the past several weeks.
Jan's grades"
That's enough, Jan.
Honey, where do you sit
in Mrs. Denhoff's class?
In the back, why?
Does she write lessons
on the blackboard in
the front of the class?
Usually.
Jan, I think you may need glasses.
Glasses?!
Oh, Mom, no, not glasses.
I certainly think you ought
to have your eyes checked.
Honey, wearing glasses
isn't anything these days.
But I'm sure I don't need glasses.
Well, look, Jan,
you want to keep failing in school?
Making mistakes like
taking the wrong bicycle?
Glasses, wow.
I'll look positively goofy.
When Bernie Maguire sees me,
he'll go bananas.
Bananas?
That's bad, huh?
It's the worst.
Hi, Mr. Brady.
( Whispers ): Follow me into the garage.
Mr. Gaylord delivered
your anniversary picture.
Oh, no! I distinctly asked him not to.
Well, luckily, while
Mrs. Brady was out with Jan.
I hid it out here in the garage.
Hey, thanks, Alice.
I think it'll be safe out here.
I mean, Mrs. Brady knows
your anniversary is coming up
and she's already been
snooping in the house.
She's a pretty good snooper.
Good work, Alice she'll never
think to look in the garage.
Wrong. She already did, Mr. Brady.
But there would be no point
in her snooping in here again.
Once she's already snooped it,
it's snooped out.
Alice, your talk
is a little like your meat loaf:
A little bit of everything and all mixed up.
( Honks horn )
That must be Mom and Jan.
They went to get Jan's new glasses.
I bet she looks funny in them.
Yeah. Can't wait to see old four-eyes.
Let's not have any "four-eyes" jokes.
Jan's going to feel
self-conscious enough
without you teasing her.
She'll know we're just joking.
People don't like
those kinds of personal jokes.
How would you like it if
somebody called you shorty?
I wouldn't care.
Okay, shorty.
You cut that out.
See?
Hi, honey.
Hi. Hi, kids.
Hey, they look great.
Those frames are beautiful.
Right, kids?
Yeah.
Terrific.
Thanks.
She picked them out herself.
Ah, they're perfect. They really suit her.
Hey, honey, come on,
I want to show you these great towels
I got on sale today.! Okay.
Okay, go ahead and say it.
I look like a drip, right?
No, they look neat.
Yeah, neat.
You really think they kind of look okay?
Yeah, they make you look
like you're real smart.
Like a schoolteacher.
Oh, great.
I wanted glasses
that made me look groovy.
They do look groovy.
Yeah, and we aren't saying this
'cause Dad told us to.
And I didn't even call
you "four-eyes" once.
Thanks a lot.
ALICE: You lose something, Mrs. Brady?
Alice, you know very well
what I'm doing I'm snooping.
You, Mrs. Brady?
Stooping to snooping?
Now look, Alice, I bought
Mr. Brady an anniversary present
and I know that he bought
me an anniversary present
and I know it's got to be
somewhere in this house
and I'll bet you are in on it.
Me?
Oh, come on, Alice.
Give me a little hint?
Well, let me put it this way, Mrs. Brady.
Roses are red, violets are blue
Mr. Brady'd beam me if I told you.
CAROL: I thought we were friends.
Oh, Alice, please?
I mean, I'm not asking you
to tell me exactly, but
You're not being fair.
ALICE: Now, Mrs. Brady,
I'd be a traitor if I told you.
CAROL: So, Alice, be a traitor.
Uh, Mom?
I'm going down to the library
for a little while, okay?
Okay, honey, but don't be too long.
Remember about dinner.
Okay, I will. Bye.
Jan?
Yeah?
Where are your glasses?
In my purse.
Why aren't you wearing them?
Well, I'm meeting Bernie
Maguire at the library.
So?
So Bernie hasn't seen me in glasses,
and he's not going to, if I can help it.
Well, Mom and Dad said you were
supposed to wear your glasses.
Well, I will, whenever I really need them.
( Sighs )
I think you're being dumb.
But they're your eyes.
Ciao.
Ciao?
Jan? Jan!
Jan, look out!
( Crash, glass breaks )
Are you all right?
Yeah, I, I think so.
Let me look.
Yeah, I just
I guess I just misjudged the distance.
Yeah hey, no wonder.
Why aren't you wearing your glasses?
Is my bike okay?
( Gasps )
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Dad's anniversary gift to Mom!
Boy, have you done it.
It's ruined!
Maybe it's in the closet.
Maybe what's in the closet?
Whatever it is you're looking for.
I was looking
for my blue sweater.
Ah, my blue sweater.
Yeah, your blue sweater.
You gonna wear that in the house?
It's kind of warm.
Yeah, maybe you're warm,
but I'm very chilly.
Hmm, well, see you downstairs.
( Chuckles )
This will never work.
Glue will never hold this frame together.
How's it going?
No good.
Oh
Did you get hold of the photographer?
Yeah, but remember
how mixed up he was
when we took the pictures?
Yeah.
Well, he's still mixed up.
What's that supposed to mean?
He can't find the negative.
Yeah. You mean he lost it?
He says it's his fault so if we want
to take a new picture
he won't charge for the new negative.
PETER: Hey, great!
Yeah, but he has to charge
for the new picture.
Hey, great.
We can't ask Mom or Dad for money.
Well, maybe if we all
chipped in we'd have enough.
Well, I could pay you back a
little at a time I promise.
I'd be glad to, but I'm all tapped out
on Mom and Dad's anniversary gift.
Me, too. I got 12 cents left.
Compared to me, he's rich.
Jan, I wish I could help, but I just
I know, Mom and Dad's
anniversary present.
Yeah.
Hey, I could let you have
my coin collection.
You could?
Yeah, but I haven't started it yet.
Well, I think I know
where I can get the money.
Where?
Just have everybody meet me
at the photographer's
tomorrow right after school.
And tell them to wear the same clothes
so that nobody will be able to
tell it's a different picture.
But, Jan, where are you
going to get the money?
What does it matter, as long as I get it?
Hey, where you going
all dressed up like that?
Uh, well, I got this date to take this chick
down to the pizza place, Alice.
The pizza place dressed like that?
You don't know what a great chick this is.
It took me weeks just
to get introduced to her.
Oh, not you.
Not Greg Brady,
the Casanova of Clinton Avenue.
Well, she's real popular.
So I figure I better look really heavy.
Hmm. I look really heavy
no matter what I wear.
I'll see you later.
Anchovies away!
ALICE: Hey!
Hey, wait a minute, you guys.
Where do you think you're going
in your good clothes?
Uh out to play.
Uh, yeah, play.
Since when do you get dressed up
to go out and play?
Well, you see, our play clothes are clean
and these good clothes are kind of dirty,
so we don't want to get
our play clothes dirty.
Right, Bobby?
Uh, yeah, this way we just get
our good clothes dirtier.
And you don't have to
wash our play clothes.
Yeah. Bye, so long.
Bye.
I think I detect
a little fancy footwork here.
( Door closing )
( Vacuum whirring )
Well, what perfect timing.
My, don't we look pretty?
Well, thanks, Mom.
Yeah, thanks.
Well, see, kids today
are always wearing jeans
and stuff like that,
and we figured that it'd be fun
to get all dressed up,
like going to a party.
JAN: Well, w don't want to be late.
See you.
No. Come on, Cindy.
Late? Late for what?
Alice!
Alice, why are those girls so dressed up?
Beats me, Mrs. Brady.
Everybody suddenly
decided to get dressed up.
All right, children.
A nice big smile.
That's it hold it.
Wait a minute.! What's wrong?
I don't think we're standing the same
as we did last time.
JAN: You're right!
I was standing on
the other side of Cindy.
Hey, yeah. Remember?
Children.
Children.
I took the picture
and I remember your positions exactly.
How were we?
You were exactly
like you just said.
I'm sure that's it.
Okay, sir, we're ready.
All right, children.
Let's see those pearly teeth now.
And ready
and set, and
You got film in the camera?
Of course I have film in the camera.
Color film?
Yes. Color film.
Yes. Color film.
All right.
Ready and set
Now smile like last time.
Ready?
ALL: Cheese
That's it.
( Click )
Alice, maybe I ought to
fix Mr. Brady something,
you know, a little special this morning.
Special?
Well, it is our anniversary.
As if you didn't know.
Congratulations, Mrs. Brady.
Thanks.
Mr. Brady sure is playing it cool.
Well, you know how husbands are.
No, I don't know how husbands are.
But I'm dying to find out.
Good morning, Alice.
Ah, honey, how would you like
to have something
really special this morning?
Special?
Why should I want anything
special this morning?
Well, because it's such
an especially nice day.
Oh, well, if you've seen
one especially nice day
you have seen them all.
Ah, but this is a special
especially nice day.
That's funny.
It fell right on our anniversary.
Oh, Mike Brady, sometimes
I could strangle you.
You're doing a pretty good job
of it right now.
Happy anniversary, darling.
Mmm, happy anniversary.
ALL: Surprise!
BOBBY: Open mine first!
JAN: No, mine, ladies first.
CINDY: No, little ladies first.
How about husbands first?
GREG: Here you go.
Congratulations, Dad, Mom.
Oh, well, help me open it, Mike.
Okay.
Oh, it's marvelous.
Oh, well, how did you ever sneak out
and get it done?
Oh, we Bradys move
in mysterious ways.
Oh, there's nothing I'd rather have.
Oh, Jan, you wore your glasses.
Uh-huh.
CAROL: Well, come on, everybody.
Let's find a place to hang it.
( All shouting agreements )
MIKE: Jan!
Yeah?
Sit down, honey.
Isn't there something
you should explain to me?
What, Dad?
When we had that picture taken
you didn't have your glasses yet.
Didn't I?
No, you didn't.
That can't be the same picture, can it?
It isn't, Dad.
But it wasn't the other kids' fault.
I ruined the first one because
I wasn't wearing my glasses.
I ran into it with my bike, in the garage.
Jan, you know you're lucky
you only ran into the picture.
You could have run into
something much worse,
like a car.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I'll wear my glasses from now on,
whenever I'm supposed to, I promise.
Well, as a little reminder,
I'm afraid I'm going to
have to ground you.
Two weeks.
No bicycle.
Dad, could you make it something else?
You can't ground me
from riding my bicycle.
Oh, yes, I'm afraid I can.
Well, I don't have a bicycle anymore.
I sold it to pay for the new photograph.
Well, all right.
I guess that's punishment enough.
Maybe we can even find some way
to buy that bicycle back.
Oh, I know a way we can get the money.
You do? How?
I could sell my glasses.
( Chuckling ) No.
Oh, honey, it's-it's drooping just
yeah, on the left there.
Oh, that's perfect. Yeah.
Alice, isn't that a lovely picture?
Oh, lovely.
A lot nicer than the one I just got.
What picture is that, Alice?
The X-ray from my dentist.
When you took me there
for my toothache
I was just kidding, but he wasn't.
He found three cavities.
( laughing ) Oh, Alice.
( Groaning )