Happy Days (1974) s03e14 Episode Script

1
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪
Ready to race to you ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪Oh, baby ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rocking and rolling all week long ♪
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
Saturday, what a day ♪
Groovin' all week with you ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, baby ♪
These happy days ♪
Are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours ♪
And mine, Happy Days! ♪
Happy Days is filmed before a live audience.
Who are you going to be taking
to the Goalpost Dance tonight? I don't know.
I think I'm going to go stag, you know,
pick up Sherry or Arlene or someone like that.
Okay, okay, I got it.
What do you got?
Lady Chatterley's Lover.
No kidding?
How'd you get that? It's only available in Europe.
My uncle's a sailor.
He smuggled it over in the bottom of a parrot cage.
Oh, wow.
Get over here!
All right, all right, okay.
You've already read it? Yeah.
Is it as good as they say?
Mm!
Let's see a good part.
Right. Oh!
Who tore out the pages?
That's sick, Ralph. That's very sick.
Yeah?
Where I come from, it's called funny.
Well, then you better go back there.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Well, at least Olivia appreciates my sense of humor.
Maybe you guys would do bigger with chicks
if you'd try it sometime.
Well, there's Olivia. Why don't
you show her your funny book?
She saw it already.
She had to fight to keep from laughing.
Hi, Olivia!
Listen, I want to surprise her.
It's our anniversary.
We've been going together two weeks.
Oh, two weeks.
It's lasted that long?
Sure, she's having a ball.
Oh, yeah, you just
really make her laugh, huh, Malph? Right.
Okay, okay, call her over.
Oh, Ralph, you're going to make a fool out of yourself.
Me a fool?
Oh, she loves this stuff.
Call her over. Call her over.
All right.
Olivia, come here, will ya?
Now be nice, guys.
This could be the future Mrs. Malph.
Hi, guys.
Hello, Ralph.
Ha, cha-cha-cha.
Hey, listen, I've been looking for you all over.
We need to talk.
Yeah, right. Come on, Potsie. Let's go.
Yeah, we'll see you. We'll see you.
No, don't go.
Whatever the big "O" has to say,
she can say in front of my friends.
Okay, Toots, fire away!
Ralph, please, it's personal.
Well, go ahead. We're all persons.
Okay, Ralph.
I don't ever want to go out with you again.
I'm really sorry, Ralph.
What sorry?
She's been doing that joke all morning.
I'll be right back.
What do you think, Rich?
I think we just met the former future Mrs. Malph.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
He's gonna do his Groucho Marx. It never fails.
Don't say anything.
Pretend we didn't see.
All right, all right, all right.
Pretend we didn't see.
Okay, all right.
She was a little upset.
She seemed to be a little upset.
She doesn't know what to wear to the dance tonight.
That can be a problem
She'll work it out.
It's hard to find a good dress.
I want to go fix my cigar.
Get out of here! I want to be alone!
Hey, Malph, you got ten seconds
to decide whether you want to die with your hat on or off!
Go ahead, Fonz! Cream me!
Who would care? My life's over!
Beat my face in!
Hey, do I detect a note of depression here in the air?
Olivia Hunsecker dumped me.
The girl of my dreams crushed my cigar.
Look at that face.
Is this an ugly face?
Listen, Malph, I got very high standards.
I know why Olivia dumped me. I know why.
It's the curse of the redheads.
What are you talking about?
I've got bright red hair and freckles.
It's not even red. It's orange.
I've got orange hair.
Yuck!
Fonz, girls hate guys with orange hair and freckles.
You ever see Howdy Doody with a date?
I'm going to join the French Foreign Legion.
All right, now, come on, Malph. Don't kid yourself.
She didn't dump you 'cause you're a redhead.
I know, I know. You're right.
She didn't appreciate my sense of humor.
Imagine that.
I even make our minister laugh.
He begs me not to sit up front.
Chicks hate clowns, man.
They don't fall in love and giggle at the same time.
You know, what you got to do is you got to be debonair,
sophisticated like, uh, Clark Gable, The Fonz, Cary Grant.
Fonz, I I could never be like you.
Hey, I know, but you got a good shot at Cary Grant.
I don't know, Fonz.
Cary Grant, Clark Gable I'm not that type.
All right, then, try something sophisticated
like, uh, Ronald Coleman or Rex Harrison.
Yeah, I am that type.
I can do that. Yeah, just do me a favor, okay?
Save all your jokes for the boys, huh?
Yeah, yeah.
Fonz, have you ever heard my Arthur Godfrey impression?
No. Get ready.
How are ya? How are ya? How are ya?
That's cool.
Thanks, Fonz.
I still got it.
Yeah.
Except I think he left most of it here.
Wake up, little Susie, wake up ♪
Wake up, little Susie, wake up ♪
We've both been sound asleep ♪
Wake up, little Susie, and weep ♪
The movie's over, it's 4:00,
and we're in trouble deep ♪
What have you got? Goldfish.
I'm finally going to beat Ralph to it.
W-Well, let me get some first.
Hey, Fonz.
Ooh-la-la ♪
What is that swimming around in that bowl?
Goldfish.
Pretty funny, huh, Fonz?
Will you get 'em out of there?
Gentlemen, gentlemen, a lovely evening.
Hey, Malph, what's with the threads?
Somebody die?
Droll, Warren, very droll,
but I'd like to give you a bit of advice.
Women do not like jokers.
Is this Act Like a Nut Week or are you putting us on?
Sit on it, Richard.
This is the new Ralph Malph.
What do you think, Fonz?
Very sophisticated, Malph, very Rex Harrison.
Thank you, my good man.
Uh, Ralph, uh, would you like some punch?
Tonight, Ralph Malph
Who put the goldfish in?
Malph.
Childish, Pots, very childish.
Tonight, Ralph Malph The new Ralph Malph
Is going to use his newfound charm
to hypnotize Olivia Hunsecker.
Hmm.
There she is.
Observe.
Olivia, I would like to talk to you outside for a moment.
Later, Ralph.
I think not!
Hey, let's go outside and watch.
Hey, don't you have any sensitivity?
Oh, right, Fonz.
Hey, we're going to spy on 'em from that window.
Get out of here.
Come on.
All right, give me a blow-by-blow.
All right.
In this corner, wearing a tweed jacket and pipe,
is the sophisticated and serious new Ralph Malph.
Hey, that's my boy, yeah.
In the other corner, wearing no sense of humor,
is Olivia Hunsecker.
Boo, boo And there's the bell.
Ralph comes out smooth by tipping his hat.
All right, if he just sticks to my plan,
he's got it made in the shade.
Olivia gently takes the hat
and drop-kicks it across the parking lot.
Oh, my, oh, my, it looks like Ralph's in trouble.
She's yelling at him.
That's all right. He's just got to stick to that plan.
He's got to stick to that plan.
It looks like Ralph's in real trouble now.
Fonz, did your plan include taking out chattering teeth?
What does Rex Harrison need with chattering teeth?
I don't know, Fonz. It's your plan.
Get up there and tell me about it.
Now he's putting his pipe in his ear.
Oh, God.
He's putting on the rubber nose and glasses.
That's it.
And the fright wig.
It's over. Uh-oh, here they come.
What's the matter?
America was built on knock-knock jokes.
Malph, will you get over here?
What is this?
Fonz, I kept saying "Knock-knock"
and she wouldn't even say "Who's there?"
Do you know what you just did?
You took one of my foolproof plans
and in front of all my fans, man, you made it fail.
I couldn't help it, Fonz.
She yelled at me and then she kicked my hat.
I panicked and went into my old jokes.
"She kicked my hat.
She yelled at me."
You are useless, Malph.
I ain't going to ever talk to you again.
You're right, Fonz, I am.
I'm useless.
There's only one thing I'm going to do
and that's going to join the French Foreign Legion!
The French Foreign Legion!
I haven't seen him this upset
since they cancelled The Pinky Lee Show.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Great meal, Mrs. C.
You really got a way with chow.
Oh, thank you.
It's nice having you to dinner, Potsie.
Well, if, uh, nobody else is going
to eat this last hamburger
Oh, thanks, Mr. C.
I'll eat it.
Marion, that's the sixth one he's had.
Where does he put it?
Well, he's a growing boy.
Why can't he grow at home?
Yes, dear.
Uh, Joanie, start the dessert, dear.
Richard, why didn't you invite Ralph?
Oh, I did, but he didn't want to come.
He broke up with his girlfriend
and he says he never wants to eat again.
Come in!
Hi, everybody.
Ralph!
Oh, you did come.
Do you want some dinner?
Yeah, maybe Potsie'll share his sixth hamburger.
Thanks anyway, Mrs. Cunningham.
Well, at least have some dessert.
It's strawberry shortcake.
No, I got to start getting in shape.
In shape for what? The French Foreign Legion?
All that was nonsense, kid stuff.
Ralph, you made the right decision.
You're telling me.
I just enlisted in the United States Marines.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
La, la, la, la, la. ♪
Ralph, you really enlisted?
Well well, I'm going down tomorrow, but I'm ready.
In two days I take my physical
and after that, it's official.
I'll be inducted and on my way.
Private Ralph Malph.
Yeah, well, let me tell you something, Private.
Joining the service is, is no picnic, you know,
and especially the branch you're joining.
Yeah, the Marines are a pretty tough outfit.
Tough? I can take it.
I'll be gone for quite a while.
Hmm.
And Joanie, I guess you'll be a full-grown woman
when I get back.
Don't get yourself excited.
Oh.
But Ralph, you'll-you'll miss high school.
And college. What about college?
You'll miss your prom.
Prom? Who's got time to dance?
I'll be dodging bullets, mister.
All right, hold it! I want to talk to you for a minute.
Sure. Excuse me.
Okay, Rich, a private good-bye, huh?
Well, don't make it too mushy.
I hate mush.
We're men now.
Oh, Rich, listen, if I'm missing in action,
will you make sure they look for me?
I think his brain is missing in action.
Come on, Rich. Join up with me.
We could start a redheaded battalion.
N-No!
No, I'm not joining, and neither are you.
One girl is not that important, Ralph.
Rich, it's gone far beyond that.
And last night I was guided by a will greater than ours.
Oh, you-you mean Fonzie.
Fonzie told you to join the Marines?
Yeah. So it must be a great idea.
The Fonz is never wrong.
Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I got to run.
It's 1800 hours. 6:00, right?
Medals, the whole bit, right?
Oh, Ralph. Ticker tape.
Hi, America.
Listen, Rich,
if you change your mind about joining,
give me a call.
You're going to miss a lot of great USO shows.
From the halls of Montezuma ♪
Well, what happened?
Where's Ralph?
Gone to sign up.
He was guided by a will greater than ours.
You-You mean Fonzie.
Fonzie talked Ralph into joining the Marines?
Oh, sure. Fonzie could talk Ralph into doing anything.
Then Fonzie can talk him out of it.
Yeah. Yeah, you know, you're right.
I I'm going to go down to Arnold's
and talk to Fonzie about this.
Sunday. Arnold's is closed.
Yeah, I know, but, uh, one day out of the year,
Arnold always lets Fonzie use the place
to take his Christmas card pictures.
You know.
I'll see you later.
Well, I certainly hope
he can talk some sense into Ralph.
Me, too.
Oh come on, Joanie. Let's clean up.
Uh, Marion?
Why is he still here?
I don't know, dear.
Do you want me to ask him?
Never mind.
Potsie, uh,
you have anything planned for tonight?
Oh, I'm free this evening.
What do you want to do?
Oh, gee whiz.
I got to help Marion with the dishes.
I'm free tomorrow night, too.
♪♪
Okay, okay, now it's your turn to sit on Santa's lap.
Hey, you take the pictures.
Hey, hey, hey, we know it's your camera.
She ain't gonna hurt it. Huh? Come on.
Atta girl, come here.
Fonz, can I talk to you for a minute?
Hey, later. I'm taking my Christmas pictures.
All right, now, listen. You two change places.
Come here, my little elf.
This is important, Fonz.
The Fonz's Christmas pictures ain't important?
This is the way I bring my joy
and glad tidings to the world.
Fonz, I got to talk to you.
Ralph came over to my place and
Look at this: You're in the picture.
All right, now, if you're going to be in the picture,
will you turn around and smile?
All right, smile.
That's cool. All right.
All right, now what's so important?
Well, Ralph came over to my place, you see, and
Smile.
Well, you see, Fonz, it's like this. Yeah?
Ralph's about to throw his life in the garbage.
Yeah What do you mean?
Okay, now profile. Everybody, profile.
He's joining the Marines.
Yeah, I know that, I know that.
Okay, now, everybody smile and wave. Smile and wave.
Fonz, I got to tell you,
I really think you did a bad thing.
I mean, I really think you blew it.
Hey, what do you mean, I blew it?
What do you mean I blew it?
Will you stop waving?
Now, go over there and switch hats or something.
Get over here.
Now, what do you mean, I blew it?
Did you tell Ralph to join the Marines?
Well, he came over to my place
talking about the French Foreign Legion, right?
I told him it was a silly idea. I agree.
Yeah. I mean, he'd look dumb in that hat.
The Marines, on the other hand
That's a cool uniform.
You told him that?
Yeah, I also told him
the Marines do very good with chicks, too.
So what? So he decided to enlist.
Well, it might do him some good.
Rocky Baruffi enlisted, came out a man.
Yeah, but what did Rocky Baruffi give up when he enlisted?
How little you know, man.
He was a Warlord.
Three chicks, a great bike.
There's not much future in being a Warlord.
I mean, that doesn't look good on a job application.
Ralph was going to go to college.
He was going to learn how to be a dentist.
Oh, yeah? Well, I guess then, he blew it, huh?
We learn from our mistakes.
Oh, come on, Fonz. You got to do something about this.
I am. I'm taking my Christmas pictures.
All right girls, let's go. Oh Fonz
Hey, Rich, Ralph just called your house.
What's up? His father won't let him enlist.
Turned him down flat. Oh.
Yeah. You see that?
Nobody blew it. Here we go.
But he's not going to give up that easy.
He's running away tonight to Chicago to enlist.
He says he's going to do what the Fonz told him to.
But, listen, I better get back.
Mr. C's going to miss me.
All right. All right, you see that, Fonz?
Now this is your responsibility.
Hey, I don't see nothing.
He brought up the Marines; I just agreed.
Ralph takes your word on everything, Fonz.
Well, he shows good judgment.
Nobody can talk him out of anything
if he thinks you're on his side, Fonz.
Nobody except you.
You're in the picture again.
Would you turn around and smile?
No, no, I'm not going to smile.
I'm not going to wave.
This is too important.
What am I supposed to do?
Talk to him.
Talk him out of joining the Marines.
Just say to him, "Ralph, I was wrong."
Wrong? The Fonz is wrong?
You got to, Fonz.
I don't got to do nothing.
But I'll tell you what. I mean, I'll think about it. Ha.
I'm even going to have to practice this.
Ralph, I was wr
All right.
Just kind of stuck in my throat there, stuck in my throat.
Ralph, look, I was wr
I was not!
Fonz, if you don't talk to him before tonight,
this thing is going to be on your conscience, all right?
Merry Christmas. Yeah, Merry Christmas.
All right, girls, let's go.
Hey, Dolores, uh, go up on the chimney there
and, uh, slide down, will you?
Here we go. Come here, yeah.
And what do you want for Christmas?
Aaayyh!
I gave that to you last year.
What are you?
♪♪
Hey, Malph.
Oh, Fonz, I was just writing you a note
'cause I want you to take care of my car while I'm away.
Yeah, look, uh, I've been looking all over for you, Malph.
Don't get mad, Fonz. I'll store it someplace else.
No, no, it has nothing to do with the car.
Now, what is this, um, you're going to Chicago?
That's right. I'm running away to enlist
'cause my father wouldn't give me permission.
He says I should wait till after college
so I can go in as an officer.
Now, that's no way to become a man, right, Fonz?
Yeah, well, I think we better talk about this, uh,
your joining the Marine business here.
Yeah, Fonz. Yeah.
I really want to thank you for that. Uh-huh.
When I came to see you yesterday, I was a lost sheep.
After that thing with Olivia, I didn't know what to do.
But if the Fonz says I belong in the Marines,
then the Marines it is.
'Cause I know the Fonz would never give anyone a bum steer.
Yeah.
Hey, um, what are these posters for?
Oh, I'm keeping those.
I'm taking them with me. Oh, yeah?
A little Marilyn Monroe, a little Sandra Dee, huh?
No, Fonz. Much better.
This is my W.C. Fields. This is my Marx Brothers.
What's this third one here?
Oh, forget that, Fonz.
Really. I mean, it's not
I figured I'd hang it in the barracks
and cheer up the guys.
Malph, you're not going to hang these up in any barracks
'cause you're not going to join the Marines.
Just take all of this stuff home, okay?
But, Fonzie, not join?
I'm all packed.
You told me it was the right thing to do.
Look, I know what I told you to do,
but when I told you to do that, I was wr
Ralph, I was wr
I was not exactly right.
What do you mean, not right?
I mean not right.
I don't get you.
You mean you were wrong?
Mmm.
Yeah, that's right, Malph.
I was what you just said I was just then, yeah.
Wrong?
The Fonz wrong?
Malph, look,
there is a first time for everything, huh?
I don't understand, Fonz.
How could you be wrong about a thing like that?
No. I don't understand it myself, Ralph.
I don't understand it myself.
I was under a lot of pressure.
I was under a lot of cars, too.
Two of them were Edsels.
Maybe the pressure was getting to me. I don't know.
No, Fonzie.
You might have been under a lot of cars,
but you weren't wrong.
You were right. Oh!
Everything you said about me was true.
I'm useless around here.
I got to join.
Everybody hates me.
I'll see you.
Malph!
I didn't tell you why I was, uh Wrong?
I didn't tell you why you shouldn't join the Marines.
And why shouldn't I go, Fonz?
I mean, tell me.
Because if you join the Marines
I'm gonna miss you.
You would miss me?
But, Fonz, you're always telling me
to get lost and to sit on it.
You even told me I was useless.
Ralphie, don't you know when I'm joshing?
You're one of my best buddies.
Really? I am?
I am?
How come?
Yeah, how come?
Uh because you are so funny.
That's it: 'cause you're so funny, Malph.
Really, Fonz? Are you on the level?
Hey, look at my life:
I got girls. I got cars. I got girls. I got bikes.
I got girls, I got girls. Yeah.
I mean, I need something to break up the monotony. Me?
Yeah. I mean the way that you do that Arthur Godfrey.
How are ya? How are ya? How are ya?
Aaayyh!
You're gonna deprive the Fonz of a laugh like that?
No, Fonz, no. I would never want to deprive you, never.
That's right. So I tell you what you're going to do.
You're going to stay right here, huh?
And there's something else you've got to know, Ralph.
There's something else you got to know.
Just 'cause you didn't tickle a girl's funny bone
don't mean your whole life is wrong.
You just find a chick that's going to, uh, respond
to your sense of humor.
Just pick up your bag, put it in the car, drive home,
and I will see you tomorrow, okay?
Okay, Fonz. Just one more thing.
Yeah, what?
I want you to have this.
Malph I am touched.
Listen, I'm just gonna go and lock up, okay?
Okay.
Buddy.
Buddy.
Fonz? Fonz? Yeah.
How are ya? How are ya? How are ya?
You're the greatest.
♪♪
Well, you really came through for Ralph, Fonz.
Yeah, well, I want to tell you something.
I still don't think I did anything wr
I can't say that word.
Oh, God. Oh.
What's so funny?
It's that new girl, Sheila.
She's the funniest girl I've ever met.
She's a riot!
Hey, Fonz, guys, I wanted to just
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rocking and rolling all week long ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪Oh, baby ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪