The Brady Bunch (1969) s03e14 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Isn't it marvelous, Alice?
My cousin Gertrude is
finally getting married.
For her, it's marvelous.
For me, it'd be miraculous.
Hi, everybody.
Oh, hi, honey.
What's the good word, honey? Mmm.
Well, Gertrude is gonna get married.
Gertrude your cousin Gertrude?
The one and only.
Quick, a chair, I may faint.
Oh, Mike. The invitation's
for a week from Sunday night.
Hmm. Gee, a wedding
do I get all dressed up?
Do I have to wear a dumb old tie?
Oh, I'm sorry, kids.
The invitation is just for the grownups.
Not us kids?
Well, Marcia and Greg are going,
but they're older.
And, um, Jan and Peter are going, too.
BOBBY: What about us?
Well, there's a wedding
reception afterwards.
I think Gertrude thinks you're too young
to stay up that late.
Besides, weddings
aren't all that interesting.
MIKE: You'll have a
much better time at home.
Sure, the three of us
will watch TV, play games,
have a lot of fun.
Yeah. A lot of fun.
You think you can fix it?
Easy.
What are you doing?
We're fixing Marcia's radio.
Can I help?
This is kind of tricky.
Yeah, it's too technical for little kids.
I could hand you tools and things.
Maybe some other time, Bobby.
No, Cindy.
It's too hard for you.
But why can't I help?
The chair goes in my room, too.
Look, Cindy, this isn't a game.
If you mess up the paint,
we're going to have to do it all over again.
( Sighs )
Greg and Peter won't even let me
help fix a dumb old radio.
"It's too tricky."
I can't even help paint a chair.
We're not even important
enough to go to the wedding.
Why can't us little kids
do things that are important, too?
Hey, that gives me an idea, Cindy!
What?
We'll do something important.
That'll show them.
Like what?
Like
I don't know.
But I'll think of something.
Yeah!
Something really, really important.
Boy, I know something
that would make us really important.
What?
But we can't do it.
Well, maybe we could tell me.
Well, wouldn't it be great if we
could stow away on a spaceship?
A spaceship? Wow!
We'd be the first little kids on the moon.
But even if we could,
Mom and Dad wouldn't let us go.
Yeah.
They probably wouldn't let us
climb the Alps, either.
Well, let's think of something else.
I'm tired of thinking.
And it's almost time for Cartoon King
on television.
( lively music playing TV )
I thought of something else
important we could do.
What?
Well, wouldn't it be great
if we could go to New York
and climb to the top of
the Empire State Building?
I bet lots of people
have climbed to the top of
the Empire State Building.
Not on the outside.
Alice, would you please
raise the hem an inch?
I want to wear it to the wedding.
Mm, okay, sure.
Isn't it romantic?
Cousin Gertrude
getting married after all these years.
I wonder if I'll ever get married.
Well, I certainly would start to
worry about that if I were you.
I mean, after all, here you are
almost 13, over the hill.
( Giggling )
ANNOUNCER: And last but not
least, here's the human side of the news.
Cartoon King comes on next.
This afternoon, two enterprising
and very tired college boys
in Farrellville are out to set a record.
They've been on a teeter-totter
for 100 straight hours.
They're almost there
the old record is 124 hours.
124 hours up and down, without a stop.
Now, there's a record to shoot at.
Did you hear that?
What if we set a new record?
Yeah.
We'll start tomorrow morning.
Well, I'll see you later, Alice.
You're off and running pretty early
for a Saturday morning, Mrs. Brady.
Oh, yeah, I gotta get downtown
and get Gertrude a wedding present.
I sure hope I can get her
something different.
You know what I mean, Alice?
Yeah, everybody always gives
the obvious, like toasters.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Mr. Brady and I got nine of them.
We didn't know whether
we were getting married
or opening a restaurant.
Everybody sure is
in a hurry this morning.
We gotta get started early.
We're going to set
a new teeter-totter record, okay, Mom?
Sure, kids. Have fun. Bye.
Well, I'd better get going.
I sure hope I can find
something for Gertrude, Alice.
You know, she isn't the easiest
person in the world to buy for.
Well, she already has
the best gift for a wedding.
A man.
Well, I'll see you later.
( Both chuckling )
Hi, Dad. Hi.
Hi, kids.
Guess what we're going to do?
When I get home, Bob.
I'm late for an appointment.
We're going to set
a new teeter-totter record.
Oh? Mom said we could.
Well, good for you.
Have fun, kids.
Bye! Bye. Bye-bye!
It'll take a long time to set the record.
Are your muscles in good shape?
I guess so. Are yours?
Sure. Feel this.
I don't feel anything.
Well maybe it's in the other arm.
( Humming )
Hey, Alice, have you got a watch? Yeah.
Tell us exactly what time
it is when we start.
Start?
For the new teeter-totter record.
It has to be official.
Aha. Okay, official, right.
All right, uh, let's see.
It's three minutes after 8:00.
And go!
Hey, Alice, what time is it now?
Three minutes and 20 seconds
after 8:00.
Gee, that's 20 seconds already.
Yeah, we only have to do this
about a million more times.
Jan, would you zip me up?
Sure.
Do you think my dress
is short enough now?
Sure, it looks fine.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Okay.
I'm trying to look at myself.
Well, so am I.
( Knocking at door )
JAN: Come in.
Here's your radio.
We did it.
Thanks. What was the matter with it?
Your variable tuner was out of whack.
Wow. And you fixed it?
Nothing to it.
Nothing to it for him.
I fixed it.
Thanks, Greg.
That's okay.
What are you girls all dressed up for?
It's for the wedding.
That's next week.
Why wait till the last minute?
Hey, if they're going
to wear junk like that,
we're going to have to
get all dressed up, too.
Why, sure. It's a wedding.
It's the most romantic thing
that can ever happen in a girl's life.
What about the poor guy?
( Chuckling )
Don't you want to get married?
Sure! When I got nothing else to live for.
( laughing )
I mean, don't you want
a home and children?
We already got a home
and a whole bunch of children.
( laughing )
Come on.
( Keeps laughing )
( Humming )
Hi, Alice.
Hi, Mrs. Brady.
Well, I think I got
the perfect gift for Gertrude
something I'm sure no one
else would think of.
Oh, what's that?
A silver frog.
Oh, a silver frog.
Well, you're right,
it's a million-to-one shot
she won't even get a green one.
Oh, Alice.
A frog for flowers.
See? This part is the frog
and then you can use this
for candy or nuts or anything.
Hey, that's kind of pretty. Isn't that great?
Hey, is somebody going on a picnic?
Oh, no, no, this is just a little something
for Mr. Teeter and Miss Totter.
Mr. Teeter and Miss Totter?
They're out to set
a world record, remember?
You don't mean to tell me
they're not still on that thing?
Since three minutes after 8:00.
I didn't think they were serious.
Oh, they couldn't be seriouser.
Whew.
You getting tired, Cindy?
No, not much.
You getting tired?
No. We're getting close
to that million times.
Okay, kids, lunch break!
But we can't stop, Mom.
Well, you have to have a sandwich.
That'll ruin the record.
We've got to keep going.
You said we could set a record.
That's what you said this morning.
I really said that, huh?
Just before you went out to buy the frog.
Well, you have to
eat something, anyway.
I'll bet they can do both.
You got to promise me one thing, kids:
That you'll both stop
when you get tired, okay?
Okay, Mom.
We promise. We're really
going to break the old record.
Well, good luck, kids.
By the way, Alice,
what is the old
teeter-totter record, anyway?
124 hours.
124 hours?
Milk
eggs
um cheese
potato chips
MAN ( on radio ): Buon
giorno, housewives everywhere.
( laughing ): Hello.
Today, our Gondola Gourmet
is going to share
the secret with you
of his famous Meatballs
and Spaghetti A La Florentine.
Great. I'll have that for dinner.
I will go slowly
so we can make it together.
Now we have our skillet handy, yes?
Yes. No.
The secret of spaghetti
and meatballs is the sauce.
We make that first
with my special mix of spice and herbs.
Spice and herbs.
First, we must have basil.
Basil.
And next, oregano.
Oregano.
And then bay leaves.
Bay leaves, bay leaves, bay leaves.
Now, the garlic.
Garlic. Where's the garlic?
Garlic?
Next, onions.
Prepare one cup, finely chopped.
Will you wait a minute,
I'm still on the garlic.
CINDY: Alice! Alice,
can you come out here?
Oh, I'm busy, Cindy.
Our record's in danger!
Okay, honey, I'm coming.
And soon we will have
our sauce esquisita!
Sorry, I'm going to have
to sauce my own esquisita.
You know, Bobby, I don't
think we're quite even.
I seem to have a little bit more ballast
on my side than you do.
What's "ballast"?
It's a fancy word I use
'cause I don't like to call it flab.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Mr. Brady.
Hi.
Alice is helping us
with our teeter-totter record.
In the teeter-totter game,
I am what is known as a sit-in.
Sit-in? Hi, Dad. Thanks, Alice.
Yeah, you see, I officially sit in
for all the contestants
whenever they have to do
whatever it is they have to do.
She means if we have
to go to the bathroom.
Well, I can see you're a friend
in time of need, Alice.
You kids are really serious
about this, aren't you?
Yeah, we've been going at it
since three minutes after eight
this morning.
We're really going to set
a new teeter-totter record.
Well, I certainly hope so.
What's for dinner, Alice?
I'm starving.
Well, that depends.
What day is it?
Hi, honey.
Oh, hi, dear.
Would you believe
that those two have been on that
Teeter-totter.
CAROL: Teeter totter
since early this morning?
MIKE: Yeah. Since three
minutes after eight, to be official.
Well, do you think we ought to
let them keep going?
Oh, sure. Why not?
It's no worse than if they spend a day
playing in the park.
Anyway, you know kids,
one minute they want to do one thing;
the next minute, they
want to do something else.
Well, they certainly have
their minds made up about this.
Yeah, well, their minds may be ironclad,
but it's the other end
that's gonna make them quit.
Aren't you getting tired?
Well, some of me is.
Why don't you quit?
I think it's dumb.
We're setting a record.
That's important.
Right. We'll put an umbrella over them
when the rainy season starts.
Hey, I got a great idea.
We can hitch up a drill to the teeter-totter
and you'll be an oil well.
( Greg laughing )
Go ahead and laugh.
We'll show you.
Yeah, we'll show you.
Wait till they find out
we're having spaghetti and meatballs.
That'll get them in here.
GREG: And next week
you're gonna go
for the pogo stick contest.
Hi, there.
Is this the Brady house?
Yeah, it is. Can I help you?
My name's Winters, Daily Chronicle.
Hi. I'm Bobby Brady.
And I'm Cindy Brady.
Oh, you're just who I'm looking for.
Your mom and dad around?
Yeah, they're inside.
What's this all about, Mr. Winters?
Just covering a little news story, son.
Cindy and Bobby are news?
Sure. They're out to set a world's record.
Would one of you mind calling
your mother and father?
Yeah, Peter, go get them.
How long have you kids been at it?
Since three minutes after eight
this morning.
Well, that's a pretty good start.
MIKE: Mmm, a smell like
that could drive a man mad.
Well, I just may dab
a little behind my ears.
Mom, Dad, come on out.
There're some guys out here
from the newspaper.
They're taking pictures and everything.
Tsk.
Look, one hand.
Look, no hands.
Better be careful, young man.
You know, this is a pretty big ambition
setting a world's record.
We can do it.
Do you think you can
do this, young lady?
Well, if Bobby does it, I do it.
We go up and down together.
WINTERS: Mr. And Mrs. Brady? Yes.
I'm Art Winters from the Daily Chronicle.
Hello. Hi. Hello.
Hope you won't mind us taking
a few pictures of the children.
No. You mean this is news?
Sure. Great human-interest stuff.
We have a lot of human
interest around here.
My brother and I just
fixed my sister's radio.
That's fine, son, but one story at a time.
I'm sure you're very proud
of the two kids, Mrs. Brady.
Well, to the tell you the truth
Mother very proud
I guess you're a little concerned, too.
Well, uh, my husband and I,
at first we thought that
Mother, all family, concerned
Mr. Winters
I know just how you feel.
You do?
Thanks a lot, folks. Oh, good.
Good-bye, kids. Good luck.
M-Mr. Winters, would
you mind telling me
how you found out about this?
We got a phone call down at the
paper first thing this morning.
Oh. Thanks.
( Sighs )
( All chattering )
CAROL: Isn't that exciting?
MIKE: I wonder who called
the paper this morning.
We did.
We figured the people
ought to know about us.
Yeah, even us little kids can
do something important.
Important?
So that's what this is all about.
Spaghetti and meatballs is ready.
Sauce Esquisita A La Alice.
Boy, are you guys missing
something good!
Spaghetti and meatballs.
They're not missing a thing.
I'm going to fix them
something special, too.
How come they get that kind of service?
Well, because they're setting a record,
and we don't want to spoil it, do we?
Thanks, Mom.
Thanks.
Dad, why is setting a record
such a big deal to them?
Well, I guess Cindy said it best.
"Little kids can do something important."
And sometimes we all forget that.
Well, you know, kids want to
be part of things, too,
and, well, I'm afraid sometimes
we give them the brush-off.
Like maybe trying to help fix a radio?
Or like that time we painted the chair.
Well, I guess we all understand now.
You got to admit,
Bobby and Cindy really made their point.
Yeah, but I'm afraid no matter how hard
they try to break that record,
one thing is bound to stop them.
( Yawning )
( Yawning )
( Yawning )
( Yawning )
( Yawning )
Get that arm in there. Come on.
( Crickets chirping )
I think it's just about over, honey.
They sure are giving it
everything they've got.
Bobby. Wake up, Bobby!
Who's sleeping?
But maybe you'd better take a nap,
and I'll take one later, okay?
Okay.
( Crickets chirping )
( Softly ): Come on, sweetheart.
There you go.
( Whispering ): Bob
Come on, wake up.
Wake up.
Come on in.
Boy, they really got in the paper.
Well, that's what they wanted.
Read it, Dad.
Well, it says, "Bobby and Cindy Brady"
"set out yesterday to break
"the world's teeter-totter record.
"They began their assault on the
record at 8:03 in the morning,
"and as of the taking
of these exclusive photographs,
"the two have been teetering
and/or tottering
"for several hours.
"The current record as set
by Ralph Nelson, 19,
"and Allen Rudolph, 20,
is slightly over 124 hours.
"The young Bradys feel
that with a serious effort,
the record is within their grasp."
How come you let us
fall asleep last night?
You could have woken us up.
Before you get too upset,
take a look at this morning's paper.
Yeah, I think you might
like what you see.
CINDY: That's us!
BOBBY: Wow! We're famous.
You know, we're really proud of you two.
Thanks.
But we didn't set a record.
Well, now wait a minute
maybe you did.
How old were those guys
you saw on television?
Oh, real old like in college.
What's the record for kids your age?
I don't think there is one.
There you are.
You set a record.
Hey, yeah!
We really did!
I hereby proclaim
Cindy and Bobby Brady
junior teeter-totter
champions of the world.
( All cheering )
( Phone rings ) Whoops, I'll get it.
Hello.
Oh, hello, Gertrude.
Oh, yes, we're looking at it right now.
Yes, they're very excited.
Well, hold on a minute. I'll see.
Cousin Gertrude would like to know if
you two celebrities want
to come to the wedding.
Who wants to go to
a dumb old wedding?
I sure don't.
Uh, sorry, Gertrude,
but our two celebrities are all booked up.
Thanks. Bye-bye.
Come on, Bobby,
let's try to break
some other kind of record.
Yeah. Come on.
I thought they wanted
to go to the wedding.
Not really, but it's always nice
to be asked.
Come on, Jan.
Where?
Why don't we break a record, too?
We can't let two little kids beat us out.
I don't think we can stand
more than two world's records
in one week.
What do you mean two?
Well, there's the teeter-totter record
And? Gertrude.
Anybody who spent 25 years
shopping for a husband
that's got to be some kind of record.
Hold it, folks.
That's not a record yet
I'm still in competition.
( Both laughing )
( All chattering excitedly )
How was the wedding?
Oh, Alice, it was simply beautiful.
Well, it just goes to prove
that somewhere, sometime,
there's a mate for anybody.
Oh, that's good to know.
Alice, you wouldn't believe it.
Fat, bald, wrinkled.
Thin, scraggly mustache
You should have seen the groom.
Mike I told you not
That's pretty good.
That's better, Pete,
but grip it on the laces.
Okay.
I thought Cousin Gertrude's
wedding was so romantic.
Yeah, it was just like a movie
with all those flowers and everything.
I've never seen so many flowers.
And did you see that veil and gown?
They were perfect for her!
Still talking about that dumb wedding.
It wasn't dumb!
It was beautiful.
"It was beautiful."
Do you take this woman
to be your lawful wedded wife?
Yes, sir, I do.
GREG: And do you take this man
to be your lawful wedded husband?
( Falsetto ): Oh, yes, sir,
I take this man for my husband.
You may now kiss the bride.
Here, in front of everybody?
( Cackling )
Very funny.
Boys. Who needs them?
Yeah, who needs them?
( laughs )
I guess we do if we're
ever going to get married.
( laughing )