Gilligan's Island (1964) s03e15 Episode Script

1
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
Professor: Now look, I told
you once and I'll tell you again,
it's all over between us.
Ginger: No, no, no, you're lying!
You still love me. I know you do.
Please, please, don't do this to me.
Mary Ann: You heard what
the man said, sweetie. Get lost.
So that's the way it is.
I see it all now.
It was never really me, me, me.
All the time it was her, her, her.
Alright. It's her, her, her.
That's right. It was me, me, me.
If I can't have you, nobody will!
Watch out! She's got a gun!
Good heavens.
She shot me dead.
Dead, dead.
Murder.
Help, police.
Help, police! Murder, murder!
Murder, murder.
Murder, murder!
Help, police.
Why on earth would
gilligan want a policeman?
Maybe he saw someone speeding.
Here, on this island?
Jaywalking?
Skipper! Hey, skipper!
Over here, gilligan.
Hey, skipper! Hey, skipper!
Over here!
Skipper. Oh, skipper. Skipper
boy, have I got something to tell you.
You know what this is? Yes,
a rock. Now can I tell you?
Yes, but it's a special kind
of rock. It's phosphorescent.
I don't care if it can glow in
the dark. I got a real important
gilligan, that's what
phosphorescent means.
Glow in the dark.
Why, with enough of these,
we can lay out an s.O.S. So good
it can be seen from a plane
at night for miles.
Now can I talk?
Ok, gilligan, get it off your
chest. Shoot. Let me have it.
Well, you're getting close, skipper.
Only I didn't shoot him, ginger did.
And she let the
professor have it, not you.
And he can't get it off his
chest 'cause he's laying on it.
What?! The professor.
Ginger shot him dead, dead, dead.
Did you actually see it?
I saw it with my very own eye, eye, eyes.
Oh, come on, gilligan. Let's go see.
Never mind that ooh!
Ooh, ooh, gi let's go!
Are you alright, professor?
I'm afraid I didn't help you
rehearse very well, ginger.
Lie still, professor.
Nosebleeds could be dangerous.
I didn't see the table when I fell.
I guess I'm just a clumsy actor.
Don't be silly, professor.
You were marvelous. Oh.
Come on, lie back. You'll feel better.
Just to be sure, huh?
Here, in the meantime I'll take
this handkerchief and wash it.
You know, I just thought of something.
With some actors, they
have acting in their blood.
With me, I've got blood in my acting.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
You go in, and I'll stay
out here and be the lookout.
A lookout?
Yeah. In case ginger
decides to shoot you,
I can be out here and yell, "look out!"
Oh, gilligan!
[Muffled] Don't yell.
What?
I said don't yell.
Be quiet. Come on.
I give up, Mary Ann.
I can't seem to get the spots out of this.
Oh, here, ginger, let me try it.
Thanks.
Guess I better put this gun away.
Gilligan, skipper. Ginger, we were
[mumbling]
Gilligan, you can open your eyes now.
Professor, you shouldn't
be walking around dead.
It could be fatal.
We were just practicing a scene
from a play I was once in.
What about the gun, huh?
What about the gun?
This gun? Blanks.
Oh, they were just blanks.
Ah, professor. You're just
the man we were talking about.
Oh, well, what can I do for you?
Well, thurston and I just
saw gilligan rushing by
on his way to the police.
Oh. Ho ho.
Yeah. I fail to see the humor.
It's a long swim
to the nearest gendarme.
Ginger and I were rehearsing a scene,
and gilligan thought she shot me.
Oh, thank heavens it
was only play-acting.
So you see, we really have no need
for the long arm of the law.
Oh, well, I'm glad of that.
I'd hate to have to hide all my furs.
Yes, and think of all
my money lying about.
Perhaps I better go Bury it now.
Now, hold on, Mr. Howell.
At this point, there's been no robbery,
no murder, no crime
of any kind on the island.
Mmm, well, a stitch in time
is better than having to
buy a whole new dress.
Or is it a bird in the bush
never gathers any moss?
Lovey, don't confuse the issue.
Now what if I were in dire
need and I needed someone?
Excuse me, folks. You have
given me food for thought.
What an odd time to get hungry.
So, gentlemen,
you can see the necessity
for some form of legal
authority here on the island.
Exactly. What we need is law and order.
Well, I'll make a check out
to the policeman's benevolent society.
I suggest we elect a sheriff,
and the sooner the better.
What about you, professor? No, I'm
afraid I'm in the middle of an experiment
with those phosphorescent rocks.
I'm too busy trying to get
us rescued. I'm not too busy.
That's right. Your
place is in the laboratory.
I'm not doing anything at
all. I could be the sheriff.
Ridiculous. Preposterous.
How about a word from you, professor?
Idiotic. Sorry I asked.
No. In my opinion, the logical man
for the job of sheriff is the skipper.
Eh, one moment, please.
In my opinion, I'm perfectly capable
of holding down the job as constable.
Preposterous.
Well, that's what he said about me.
I'll have you know that I'm a judo expert.
I hold a black belt in karate. Hah!
Karate? Where did you learn karate?
In Japan. And you know, my instructor
had legs like steel bands,
arms like iron bars,
and hands like claws.
With it all, a very charming young lady
with a fan and tea. Hee hee hee.
Well, I must say, Mr. Howell,
karate's beyond me.
I mean, if you're
that strong, you should
if I am that strong.
I'll have you know that I
can flatten a man yaah!
Twice your size with
one one karate chop.
Ooh!
Will this hurt?
Ooh, karate pinky.
Striking a defenseless
man with your bare neck.
You! Ooh, ooh!
Boy, have we got a lot to learn.
I wonder where he went
Gilligan, gilligan!
Yeah. Coming, sheriff.
What's wrong?
Well, if I'm gonna be a deputy,
I'm gonna have to learn to act like one.
Oh, cut that out. Now
we've got a lot of work to do.
Yes, Mr. Dillon.
Stop calling me Mr. Dillon.
Now, we've got to learn
this criminal code.
We've got to practically memorize it.
Yeah, learn all about
criminals and their sneaky ways.
Eh, yes, but first you have to
learn how to become an officer.
Oh. On my honor, I promise to do my
that's a boy scout.
Now listen to this, and carefully.
"An officer in the enforcement of law
must be courteous and
cheerful, friendly and brave."
That's silly, skipper.
While I was being courteous
and friendly and cheerful,
the criminal escaped
before I got to be brave.
Gilligan, any information
you need in this book is there,
so look it up.
You can count on me. Yes. Eh
you are perhaps the
saddest-looking deputy I ever saw.
Now where's your whistle?
Oh, yeah, right, my whistle.
[Muttering]
Now remember, you're
only to blow that
[tweet]
Gilligan, not now! You're only
to blow that in an emergency.
This is an emergency.
You're standing on my foot.
[Tweet]
Mary Ann: Hi, deputy.
Oh, gilligan.
Oh, stop!
Hi, ladies.
Ladies.
Well, gilligan, I'm waiting.
Oh, sorry, sheriff. How am
I doing? Pretty good, huh?
Lucky thing I was here. It
would have been a big collision.
Just like a big fat truck
running over 2 little sports cars.
Thanks a lot.
Skipper Yes, professor.
This rock sample does contain
the phosphorescent element shelite.
I suggest we collect some more.
Gilligan, I'll be with the professor.
Now, if anything comes
up, just look it up in the book.
That the area we're supposed to search?
Yeah. Another one of those reports
of people on a deserted island.
[Tweet]
[Tweet]
Gilligan, will you stop
that blasted whistling?
I saw you, Mr. Howell,
stealing skipper's binoculars.
I did not steal the binoculars.
I merely borrowed them.
Mrs. Howell and I
are going bird watching.
Well, sorry, Mr. Howell.
According to the book,
taking somebody else's property
without their permission is stealing.
Alright. Do not make such
a fuss. We won't use them.
We'll just watch bigger birds, that's all.
You're under arrest. Article 4.
Look look look, gilligan,
uh, this is my first offense.
I promise not to do
such a dastardly deed again.
Ignorance of the law is no excuse.
Ooh! Look, gilligan,
this will cover it. I'll just buy some
tickets to the policeman's ball, eh?
Trying to bribe an
officer on duty, article 7.
Look, I am not without political influence.
I'll have you pounding a beat
on the north end of this island.
Come on, let's go. I won't move. I
[gagging]
We heard the whistle. What's going on?
Mr. Howell took your binoculars
without your permission,
and that's stealing.
And then when I caught him,
he offered me money to
forget it, and that's bribery.
So I arrested him.
Well, deputy, you did right.
You should be ashamed
of yourself, Mr. Howell.
I am. I should have
made it a bigger bribe.
Eee paaah!
If you don't mind
uh, deputy, may I speak
to him for a moment?
Just make sure he
doesn't make a run for it.
I mean, the idea of being
treated like a common criminal.
Now, Mr. Howell, we all gave our word
that we'd obey the law.
Yeah, I know, but
and we agreed to accept
the skipper as the sheriff
and gilligan as his deputy.
Yeah, I know
and we must agree
to obey their authority,
and to accept the
penalty if we break the law.
But the whole thing
sounds so darn Democratic.
I know that you understand
the principle involved.
After all, you're a man of ethics.
You sure know how
to cut a man, don't you?
Alright, I, uh, hereby officially
place myself under hut arrest.
Oh, no, Mr. Howell. You
can't go back to your hut
when you're under arrest.
You have to go to the to, to
where are we gonna put him?
I don't know. I
we've never talked about that.
Well, there's only one thing we can do.
[Sobbing]
Thurston, you're a convict.
[Sobbing]
Lovey, I've been framed.
I'll appeal.
I'll take it to the supreme court.
I'll go even higher
the rules committee at
the Newport country club.
Aah!
You've seen one ocean
and you've seen 'em all.
What's our position?
We've covered, uh
Mmm. A little over half the search area.
I don't even know if there's
an island in that other half
Charted or uncharted.
Well, you never know.
Collecting these phosphorescent rocks
is harder work than I imagined.
Yeah, but one thing is
sure making it a lot easier.
What's that?
The fact that gilligan isn't here to help us.
Well, it's gonna take quite a while
to collect enough to make a signal.
Yeah, maybe I better
go back and tell the others
we're gonna be gone the rest of the day.
Oh, don't forget to remind
gilligan to feed Mr. Howell.
You know, I sure hope we
did the right thing, professor.
I mean, putting Mr. Howell
in jail's kind of rough.
Well, either we stick by our agreement
and live under law and order
yeah, I know, but Mr. Howell is different.
You know, those society
fellows are they're kind of soft.
Well, don't underestimate Mr. Howell.
He's tough. He can take anything.
Please, please help me!
I'm failing fast, gilligan.
I can't last, I can't last!
Sorry, Mr. Howell.
How long have I been in here?
15 minutes.
An eternity.
You know, it's just not right, Mary Ann.
Gilligan just went too far.
Well, after all, ginger, he is a deputy.
He's just doing his duty.
Hi, Mary Ann. Hi, skipper.
Ginger, don't set a place
for me and the professor.
I'll take some of this stuff along.
Going to be out all day? Most of it.
The professor and I have to
collect those phosphorescent rocks.
Oh, uh, skipper, are you
sure you have enough?
Oh, I think so. Now I better
get something for the professor.
Hi, skipper. Is Mr. Howell's lunch ready?
Oh, it'll just take me a
minute to warm up the soup.
How's he getting along? Oh, the prisoner
is resting as well as could be expected.
Gilligan, that's for hospitals, not for jails.
Shouldn't call Mr. Howell a prisoner.
The jailbird's fine.
Now, look, gilligan,
I'll be gone most of the day,
so I want you to keep an eye on things.
You mean I'm in charge?
I mean you are in complete charge.
See you later, girls.
Bye.
That's a pretty big
responsibility, right, ginger?
Doubt if we're going
to have a crime wave.
You never can tell, right?
Right. If I see any suspicious
characters lurking around,
I'll be sure and call headquarters.
Well, that's the spirit.
Oh, by the way, girls,
that fire's too close to the hut.
It's where we always used to have it.
Well, ignorance of the law is no excuse.
I'll have to put it out.
Aah, ooh!
That's not funny, ginger. Ha ha ha ha ha!
You're under arrest for violation
of section 33 of the municipal code.
Oh, let me go! As an officer
of the law, I'm gonna tell
let her go! I wouldn't do
that if I were you, Mary Ann.
Oh, and what are you gonna do about it?
Let me out of here!
What are you in for, Mary Ann?
Oh, aiding and abetting
someone who was resisting arrest
while violating ordinance
33 in the municipal code.
Oh, that's a serious charge.
And you, ginger?
Oh, for being dumb
enough to let him grab me.
Oh, Mr. Howell, we've
got to get out of here.
Yeah, just long enough
for me to get my hands
on that pint-sized John Wayne.
Don't worry, girls.
Uh, thurston ho well III
has arranged everything.
Come here. Are you sure?
Mrs. Howell is going to bake a cake.
Oh, Mr. Howell, this
is no time for a party.
It's a coming-out party, you might say.
Hi, Mrs. Howell.
Oh, these are visiting hours,
aren't they, gilligan? Yes, ma'am.
I wouldn't want to do
anything against the law.
You do something against
the law? Don't make me laugh.
Ah, sweet boy.
Mrs. Howell, that sure is
a beautiful-looking cake.
You think I can have a piece of it?
Oh, I'm sorry, gilligan,
but I made this especially
for my poor, poor husband.
It's just I'm a little bit
hungry, Mrs. Howell.
It's your own fault.
You shouldn't have
arrested the girls before lunch.
But I was just protecting
innocent people like you.
Oh. Well, then, of course,
you did the right thing.
Take a small piece.
[Crunch]
Oh!
Oh, gilligan, now you spoiled everything.
You took the piece with the file in it.
Thurston, you didn't tell me it was illegal.
Hi, professor. Hi, gilligan.
Where is everybody?
You wouldn't believe the day I had today.
Where is the skipper?
Oh, he'll be along shortly.
His load is larger and heavier.
I sure hope so.
Gilligan, we had
the most marvelous luck.
We found this streak of
phosphorescent rock on the side of a hill.
How'd you get it out?
Why, with this stick of
crude dynamite that I made.
Hey, professor, you never
should have done that.
Well, it was the only way
that we could get the rock.
I don't mean that. I mean
you shouldn't have done that.
Done what?
Carrying a concealed weapon.
You what?
Mr. Howell for attempted jail break,
Mary Ann for aiding and abetting,
ginger for municipal code
gilligan, how could you do such a thing?
It wasn't easy. The
girls put up a good fight.
A good officer knows how to
use his power, not misuse it.
The law is the law. Ok, captain bligh.
When I took my oath to
guard the peace, I vowed to
Yeah, here it is. Oh, ooh! That hurt.
Ooh, my karate pinky.
Gilligan, that's not the
only thing that's gonna hurt.
Now give me that key so I
can let these people out of jail.
Nothing doing. Gilligan.
You said go by the book,
and I went by the book!
Gilligan, you lame-brain,
give me that key!
No! Sticks and stones
may break my bones
yeah? That's not the only
thing that's gonna hurt you.
Now I intend to get that key
if I have to shake it out of you.
There it is.
Professor: Skipper.
Skipper, you saved us.
Oh, when I tell you what he did to me
And to me. Hold it down now, ladies.
We'll talk about this
after we get back to camp.
Right now, we've got to get out of jail.
Gilligan. I forgot the key in the lock.
Mr. Howell: Oh, no!
Gilligan, give me that key.
I'm sorry, skipper. You're under arrest.
What did I do?
You know when you were shaking me,
trying to make the key fall out? So?
That's police brutality.
Gilligan, give me that key!
What did gilligan say this is?
It's his own creation, Mrs. Howell.
It's coconut pot pie.
I don't have to eat this slop.
I have friends on the outside.
One of them happens to be a chef.
There, there, dear.
I'm crashing out of here.
Are you with me, my dear?
You can count on me.
Thurston and I are crashing
out of here. Are you with us?
Oh, you can count on me.
We're crashing out of here,
Mr. Howell. Are you with us?
Now, why didn't I think of that?
Wait a minute, I just did. I told you.
Ring around the Rosie. Alright.
Girls, in the back of the cave.
In the back of the cave,
lovey, dear. What, what?
Gentlemen, are you ready? Yeah, ready.
And 1, 2, 3 Ready?
Ho ho, I hurt my karate pinky again.
Oh, it's no use, skipper.
That thing's as solid as a rock.
You know, it was all my own fault.
Oh, don't blame yourself.
No, really, I'm the one who built it.
We're doomed, doomed, I tell you.
Now, wait a minute, my dear.
Remember who you are.
I'm Mrs. thurston ho well III,
and we're doomed, doomed, I tell you.
Well, maybe not, Mrs. Howell.
You know, I made some prison pictures
when I was in Hollywood.
Oh, I get it. Maybe we
can use some of their ideas.
That's right. There was
this one, it was a musical.
It was called sing a song of sing sing.
What a wonderful title. What happened?
Get ready, everybody. Here he comes.
Aah!
Oh, gilligan, stop them, stop them!
They'll kill each other. Huh?
[Men growling]
Listen, you dumb con,
I told you once and I'm telling you again,
I run this cell block.
Yeah?
Alright, big boy,
but first you got to
beat the king of the hill
and that's me!
Well, here I come!
Well, take this, tough guy.
And this and that yell, professor.
Oh aah!
How do you like that? Tough, eh?
Aah!
Oh, do something, gilligan.
He's going to kill him.
Great, great. I saw sing a
song of sing sing 3 times,
and that was my favorite scene.
He saw it, he saw it.
We've just crossed coordinate 8-7.
That just about
completes the search area.
Well, we better get turned around.
Um, there's one more little island
I think we ought to check out.
It's not on the map, but I recall it
being just south of here.
Ok, but we better keep
our eye on our fuel.
We gotta get back, you know.
We gotta make gilligan open that door.
Maybe we should bribe him.
And that's how one gets in, not out.
Hey, hey, I remember something
we did in San Quentin blues.
The prisoners made so much noise
that the guard had to open the door.
We want out ♪
we want out ♪
we want out ♪
we want out ♪
we want out ♪
yada yada, warden.
I saw San Quentin blues 4 times.
In the picture, the cons thought
they could get this guard, see,
when they kept banging on
the bars like you were doing.
But he was a lot tougher than they were.
He took this key, see,
and he unlocked the door.
And he got inside with them.
And he said, "now we're in here together."
"And we're gonna stay in together
Until one of us has had it."
Eh, wait, wait, wait,
he threw the key away.
Gilligan, guess who has had it?
The guard in the prison picture?
Guess again.
Hold it!
[Airplane rumbles]
A plane! We're going to be rescued.
They'll see our signal. Plane, plane!
Well, I didn't see anything.
No, sir. No people down there.
Should we make another pass?
What's the use? We're
running low on fuel anyway.
Ok, let's head for home.
Oh, the phosphorescent rocks!
Oh, I do hope they
haven't misspelled s.O.S.
Tell them, skipper.
We didn't have time to
put the signal rocks out.
Oh, why not?
Because some numbskull put us in jail.
Oh, the plane. It's going
It's going Gone.
Gilligan, is there
anything you'd like to say
before we pronounce sentence?
Just one thing. Well, say it fast.
Make way for the red ball express.
There. That ought to hold you.
Skipper, it's against the law
to lock somebody up without
telling them what they did.
Just a moment, gilligan.
[Humming]
Let's see here. Let's see. Yeah.
It says here in the criminal law,
section 7, paragraph 14
"Let it be known that any man
"who interferes with
or causes in any way
"a rescue to be fouled up,
goes to jail for as long
as the skipper says."
There's no law like that in that book.
There is now.
Just tell the girls I'll be
home in time for dinner.
Believe me, gilligan, there
is no way out of here for you.
That's what you think.
You didn't see the picture.
What picture?
The count of monte Cristo.
They're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in the tropic island nest ♪
no phone, no lights ♪
no motorcars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways
here on gilligan's isle ♪