The Brady Bunch (1969) s03e15 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Hold this.
Could I bring you up some extra screws?
I've got enough. Thanks, Bobby.
Well, I could bring you up
a bigger screwdriver.
No, thanks. This one's fine.
Well, can I help you hold the
shutter in place? ( Phone rings )
Bobby, I know you want to help,
but there's only room for one up here.
Greg, you got a phone call.
Thanks, Alice. Tell them I'll be right there.
I'll take over while you're on the phone.
No. I'll be right back.
And besides, you're too short
to reach the shutter. I am not.
Bobby, stay off the ladder.
How much does he want
for his surfboard?
No, no, I want it, it's just
I'll have to raise
a little extra cash, that's all.
Okay, I'll call I'll call Phil right away.
Yeah, I've got his number up in my room.
And thanks for tipping me, Eddie.
All right, good-bye.
Help me!
Anybody, help me!
Up there!
( Screams )
Help me, please!
Hang on, Bobby!
Cindy, the ladder.
Oh, what? Here
Oh!
BOBBY ( muffled ):
Help me! Anybody, help!
Help me!
Please, help!
Help! He
Help me! Anybody! Aah!
No! Help! No!
I told you to stay off that ladder.
I'm off!
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
( Sighs )
You peewees.
You're always trying to act
bigger than you are.
Greg
Greg you saved my life.
I'll pay you back.
Sometime.
That'll be the day.
Better late than never.
Is Bobby okay?
He's fine.
Good.
( Screams )
( Nervous chuckle ) Uh look
now that you've saved him
how about saving me?
( Grunting )
( Alice screams )
We sure got a lot of stuff.
Oh, my feet are killing me!
Yeah, well, it's the bills
that are killing me.
Oh, you are so bad.
Mom, Dad, am I glad you're home.
What is it, sweetie?
Well, first, I have to ask you a question.
What?
Well, is it tattling
if I tell you something
that somebody else
doesn't want you to know?
Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Then you'll just have
to find out for yourself.
What?
Bobby nearly fell off the house.
Ow!
Well, that's just what you get, Bobby.
You know, you really
could have been hurt
instead of just getting a few splinters.
Say, what were you doing
up there anyway?
Hanging on, mostly.
Well, if Greg told you
not to climb the ladder
why did you?
I wanted to show him
I wasn't too small to do it.
Greg's right.
I'm a peewee.
I'll always be a peewee.
Oh, Bobby.
Well, there are a lot of boys
your age that are
just your size.
Well, that's easy for you to say.
You know who's the smallest
in my class?
You?
No. Freddy Hofsteader.
I'm second smallest.
But only because he got a haircut.
Listen, Bob, everybody
grows at their own speed.
Maybe next year you'll
be one of the tallest.
No, I won't.
And being little is the worst
thing in the whole world.
Alice, have you seen the paper?
It's in the family room.
I've been looking all over for that thing
I want to look at the want ads section.
I got to find a way
to make some extra loot.
You're not going to
finance another jalopy.
"No. I'm after a 6'6" board
that'll let me do flyaways
over those gremmies.
Would you mind
repeating that in English?
That means this stoked-up
hotdogger needs some extra bread
so he can latch onto a heavy
board and hit the lineup.
Thanks for the translation.
Hey, by any chance are you
talking about a surfboard?
Right on.
Hiya, Sam.
Hi, Greg.
Hi, Alice.
Here's your meat order.
Oh, thanks, Sam.
Well, I see I got the boss
himself making deliveries.
Alice, it's because I'm crazy about you
and I like to look at you
and besides, my delivery boy quit.
Thanks again.
16 years old and the kid
wants fringe benefits.
Well, fringe benefits are the "in" thing.
Yeah, but free fillet mignons every day
no, sir, I got to try
to find a new boy this week.
Sam? Yeah?
What if I were to find you
an instant delivery boy?
I'd hug you.
An outstanding delivery boy?
I'd kiss you.
The greatest delivery boy
in the whole world?
I'd hire him on the spot.
Alice, why don't you
quit when you're ahead?
Where do I find this genius?
Stay right where you are.
Greg!
Yes?
What do you want?
It's what Sam wants:
A new delivery boy.
Really? You do?
After school and all day Saturday
a buck-50 an hour.
Wow! That's great.
What about fringe benefits?
Fringe benefits?
Who cares about fringe benefits?
You're hired see you tomorrow
at 4:00 sharp, with your bike.
Out of sight, and thanks, Sam.
You, too, Alice.
I'm going to get over to Phil's and
take a look at that new surfboard.
Hey, uh, thanks, Alice.
You really did me a favor.
( Alice and Sam chuckling )
Hi, Sam.
What do you say, shrimp-o?
Shrimp-o?
What did I say?
Bobby's been going through
a thing about being short.
That "shrimp-o" kind of hit him.
Oh, boy, have I got a big mouth.
Is it okay if I go say I'm sorry?
Oh, yeah, Sam.
( Blowing nose )
Bobby?
Um
look, I'm sorry about that
"shrimp-o" remark, pal.
Don't you think I know how you feel?
I had the same hang-up
when I was a kid, only worse.
You did?
Yeah. Well, I weighed only
four pounds when I was born.
My old man wanted to send me back.
I even flunked out of kindergarten.
You know why?
Why?
I was such a peewee the teacher kept
marking me absent. ( Chuckles )
B-But then it happened.
In one year, I grew six inches.
Six inches in one year?
Mm. Wow.
If I could do that till I'm 21
Uh, let's see, you'd dress out
at about, uh, uh
ten feet, two inches tall.
Wow!
Hey, I'd make the basketball team.
Pal, you'd be the basketball team.
( Chuckles )
What are you doing?
Stretching myself.
Stretching yourself?
Yeah. I bet I'm getting
longer by the minute.
Well, if it doesn't work, don't feel bad.
You can always be a jockey.
( Chuckles )
( Bugle plays horse racing call )
( Chuckling )
Well, how do you like the
meat business after one day?
I'm bushed.
I wish there were more vegetarians.
I'll bet I pumped 40
miles on my bike today.
Well, just keep thinking
about that new surfboard.
Not new used
but I'm going to fix it up.
I should be doing some fixing up myself:
New counters,
modernize that meat locker.
I got big dreams.
Trouble is, they're bigger
than my wallet.
Speaking of money, Sam.
Yeah? When's payday?
Saturday.
I can make my first payment
on my surfboard.
What are you looking at?
Bobby. ( Chuckles )
Do you think it's good for him
to stretch himself like that?
It never hurt Tarzan.
Think what it did to Jane.
Oh, honey, he's not going
to hurt himself.
He's at it all the time.
So?
Well, if his arms stretch
and his legs don't,
he may grow up to look like Cheetah.
Nothing.
Still the same size.
Bobby, you've got
to give yourself a little time.
Guess I'd better stretch some more.
Poor Bobby.
He keeps measuring himself all the time.
And he gets grumpier and grumpier.
No wonder, he's trying so hard to get tall.
If he would just grow a little.
Even a half an inch
would encourage him.
Oh, wow!
Mom, Dad, it works!
Stretching myself really works!
I grew an inch and a half!
How much?
A whole inch and a half.
Honey, maybe you grew, but
I don't think an inch and a half.
Not since yesterday.
But I measured myself three times.
A half inch, plus one whole inch.
No, it's only a half an inch.
How do you know it's only
a half an inch?
Well
Yeah, how do you know, Cindy?
I made the mark a half-inch lower,
so that Bobby would think he grew.
Oh, Cindy.
I'm sorry.
Well, that's okay.
I still grew an inch.
No. Only a half an inch.
You did the same thing, too?
Well, a half-inch isn't bad.
Bobby
Oh, no.
I guess we should have
checked with each other.
That's the dirtiest trick I ever heard of.
MIKE: Bobby.
They weren't trying to trick you.
I don't think what they did was right
They were only trying to help.
They did it because they know it's true.
Know what's true?
I'm a shrimp-o! A peewee!
I'll never grow another inch
as long as I live!
Anything you want
from the market, Mrs. Brady?
Did I leave something off the list?
No, I just thought I'd do something
a little special for Bobby.
Sometimes you can help a sad little heart
with a happy little tummy.
Ah, that's very sweet of you, Alice.
What are you going to fix him?
His favorite dessert: Strawberry tall cake.
Strawberry tall cake?
Mrs. Brady, from now on I am not using
the word "short" anymore.
Hi, Bobby.
Hey, wait a minute.
Your clothes
Bobby, your eye.
What in the world happened?
I got in a fight with Tommy Huxley.
Tommy Huxley?
He's twice as big as you are.
Why doesn't he pick on
somebody his own size?
Well I picked on him.
You started the fight?
Why?
Well, he was acting like a big shot.
Oh.
Well, uh, you weren't
by any chance feeling
like a little shot, were you?
Well, I am a little shot.
That's all I'll ever be.
Oh, Bobby listen, you've heard about
Napoleon Bonaparte, haven't you?
Yeah. He's that funny guy
that always walked around
with his hand on his stomach.
Well, he was also a little
guy, and he went around
trying to prove how big he
was by fighting everybody.
Did he win?
Nope.
Just like you, he got clobbered.
So I-I really don't think
that fighting is the answer.
Do you, Bob?
Not if you lose.
Some of the greatest men in the world
were small men who didn't fight.
What did they do?
They used their brains,
not their muscles.
Brainpower.
I'll get some more cold water.
Brainpower, huh?
You want to shoot a few baskets?
I can't.
What are all the big books for?
To read.
I know that, you dumb head.
Where'd you get them?
At the library.
I'm on my way to brainpower.
Brainpower?
What do you mean?
If you had any, you'd know. ( Scoffs )
Jan, Marcia, you like to watch TV.
Mm-hmm.
Bet you don't even know how it works.
Bobby
Television is an electronic system
of transmitting images over wire
by converting light and sound
into electrical waves.
You really took a load off my mind.
Thanks.
Well, Dad, how do you like it?
I don't know much about
surfboards, son,
but it looks great to me.
I bet you don't know
what the fourth-longest river
in the world is.
No. What is the fourth-longest
river in the world?
The Ob in Siberia.
It's 3,200 miles long.
Well, that's very interesting.
Like I was saying, Dad,
there's nothing like surfing
in the whole world.
First, you take off on a big
thick swell, and once you got it
you crank on a bottom turn,
you get out on the nose
Oh, that sounds exciting.
Hey, Greg, I bet you don't know
Wow, I'm gonna be late for work.
I got to get down to Sam's quick.
Dad, I'll clean this up when I get back.
Oh, gosh, I got to go, too.
Good-bye, Bob.
Hey, I thought you'd gone with your mom
and the rest to get new shoes.
I don't need new shoes.
Not even my feet are growing bigger.
Hey, Bobby, do-do you have any more
of those terrific brainpower questions?
No.
Well, you sure had some real hard ones.
Big deal.
Knowing a lot is great,
but it sure isn't very fun.
Well, Bobby, could be
you've been working
too hard on one thing.
What do you mean?
Well, you need a balance.
It's like a recipe.
You've got to have the right amount
of each ingredient for
it to come out right.
And I've been putting in
too much brainpower?
Exactly.
Oh, and speaking of recipes,
there's something wrong
with my brainpower.
I forgot to get sausage
for my special meat loaf tonight.
Better call Greg to bring home
two pounds of sausage.
I can do it for you, Alice.
Oh, thanks, honey. It's
easier for Greg to bring it.
You probably think I'm too little
to go down there by myself.
On second thought,
since I'm going out tonight
the sooner I get my sausage,
the sooner I'll get my Sam.
Okay, go, Bobby.
Great. I'll get back real fast.
And the porterhouse and the veal
go to Mrs. Stevens at 231 Elm.
You got that?
Got it.
Anything else?
Yeah, don't get lost.
I'm closing the shop
at 6:00 sharp tonight.
I'm taking Alice to the Destruction Derby.
Last time we almost got
destroyed trying to find seats.
Hey, Sam, if you want to get an
early start, I could close up.
Switch? Hey, that's a good idea.
I could make your deliveries
on the way home.
We'll swap, and you close up.
Do you think you can handle it? Easy.
I take any phone orders
that come in Right.
I put the meat in the locker
so I can clean the counters,
turn the lights out
and lock the door at 6:00.
( Chuckles ) That's right.
And remember what I told you
about that meat locker, right?
Right.
And thanks again for the advance, Sam.
Ah Someday I'll let
you ride my surfboard.
No, thanks.
I get seasick taking a bath.
Hi, Bobby.
What are you doing here?
Alice needs two pounds of sausage.
Okay. I put all the meat away.
I'll have to get it out of the locker.
( Door slams )
What did you do that for?
Do what?
Close the door.
It doesn't have a two-way lock.
I didn't want to let the cold out.
Bobby, Sam's got a rule:
This door's supposed to be open
when anybody's in here.
You mean we're locked in?
Unless we can get this door open.
Push.
It's no use.
We can't get out.
I'm freezing.
Look, you're not freezing.
It's not that cold in here.
If you want to keep warm, exercise.
Must be ten below in here.
Oh, it's ten below in your head.
Bobby, I said exercise,
not jump around like
you had ants in your pants.
( Sighs )
The air.
What air?
We'll be breathing it all up pretty soon.
We'll suffocate.
( Panting ): I can feel it already.
Bobby, quit pretending like
this is a submarine movie.
Just sit down and relax.
Look!
Maybe we can open the door with this.
Stand back.
Stand back.
Oh, great.
Don't worry, don't worry.
I-I've got another idea.
What are you going to do?
Just watch.
Help me.
Come on.
Push.
Stand back, Bobby.
This is our last chance.
Push over those boxes.
Here.
Now if I could just crawl
through and open the door
( grunting )
It's no use.
I'm too big.
( Panting )
It's up to you to save us, Bobby.
I sure hope I'm small enough.
Gee, I never thought
I'd ever wish I was little.
Easy does it.
( Grunting )
I got your feet.
Be careful.
Hold on, hold on!
GREG: Go on.
BOBBY: I made it!
Okay, open the door.
Come on, Bobby.
You broke it when you hit it with the ax.
Oh, no
Call Sam, quick!
He's over at our house picking up Alice.
I don't have a dime.
Wait a minute.
Boy, that's an awful cold dime.
If you think the dime's cold,
how do you think I feel?
( Dings )
Hey, Greg, you ought to keep
your head sticking out.
It's nice and warm out here.
We'll have you out in a second, son.
I'm okay.
Sam, your meat locker works great.
Oh, Greg, how do you feel?
( Grunting ) Fine.
Careful. Okay, that's it.
Open it Oh, thank goodness.
Thank heaven. You okay?
Oh, I think he's all right, honey.
I feel like a side of beef.
Well, we got to get you home
and into a hot tub.
I had to go and forget sausage.
Boy, that settles it.
No matter what it costs
I'm modernizing that meat locker.
It was our own fault, Sam.
Thanks, Bobby.
You saved my life.
Remember, you saved mine?
Now we're even.
Boy, am I glad I'm little.
So am I, pal, so am I.
Okay, Bobby, now you've
got your big, thick swell.
Right! Okay, crank out a bottom turn.
Now, get out on the front of the board.
Yeah, yeah, that's good.
Now what do I do?
GREG: You're locked
in, there's this huge
wall of water hanging
right over your head!
But look out, Bobby!
It's a wipe out! Here comes
the wave!
( Peter laughing )
( laughing )
( laughing )