Night Court (2023) s03e17 Episode Script

1
Whoa. I've never seen
this place so empty.
Is this what the end times
will be like?
Yes. And they can't
get here fast enough.
Where is everybody?
Day court ran long again,
so they all went to see Judge Nulman.
Nulman.
This is like the 10th time
he's made us start late.
He's wasting my 5-hour Energy.
I can't do this
on two and a half hours' energy.
So that's why you don't like him.
Not because the Times called him
the funnest judge in the city?
I couldn't care less
what the Times called him.
And "funnest" isn't even a word.
It's probably why newspapers
are dying.
[GASPS] She didn't mean it.
Some of us don't need
an article to know we're fun
because we have a quiet
inner confidence.
And a lot of out-loud talking
to yourself in a mirror.
You should close your door.
According to the article,
Nulman's a "generational talent."
And if that keeps the, uh,
coffee stand unattended
well, all I have to say is
chin-chin.
"Generational talent."
How fun can he be?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Ah! Now the ladies!
Just ladies! Say "Ho! Ho!"
- Ho! Ho!
- Say "Ho, ho, ho!"
- Ho, ho, ho!
- Say "Eww!"
Eww!
And that's what witnesses did
when they were flashed
by jolly old St. Ick.
- Guilty.
- [GAVEL TAPS]
Let's hear it for the Gay Men's Choir!
Sing em out, boys.
Goodbye, you scary gentleman ♪
You're headed off to jail ♪
Maybe an elf or Mrs. Claus ♪
Will come and pay your bail ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
God. That is fun.
♪♪
and that's why
you never shake hands
with a Times Square Elmo.
[LAUGHTER]
All right. That's my time.
- Aww.
- Aww.
Hey, I'll be back tomorrow.
Stay tuned for an all-new night court.
Nulman's court is adjourned ♪
Let's remember all we've learned ♪
Don't mug, stab, steal,
or pretend that you're a nun ♪
Trials resume tomorrow at one ♪
- Yes!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Okay.
This guy's a fad.
These are the same ding-dongs
that went to go see
Pizza Rat in concert.
- Isn't that ding-dong your ex?
- Jake's here?
If you don't want him to see you,
I've been practicing
animal face painting
for my daughter's birthday party.
That won't be necessary.
Sure, our relationship ended badly,
- but Jake and I are friends now.
- Oh, really? You guys talk?
- No.
- Text?
- No.
- Hang out?
Look who knows all the things
that friends do!
- Abby.
- Jake!
- Howdy, partner.
- Oof.
Funny. You never came
to watch me when we were dating.
And we were together
during the summer,
when most of my defendants
were wearing bikinis.
Actually, I am here to see your court.
Oh. Really?
- About an HR complaint.
- Ah.
But I am so psyched I got to
witness Nulman in action.
I mean, you can really feel
the electricity in the room.
Well, if the room feels electric,
it's only because the walls
are filled with frayed wires.
I'm just gonna mosey. [CLICKS TONGUE]
Ah. Now that the circus
is over, can we start?
How do you always show up
at the exact moment
day court adjourns?
Uh, she has a Ring camera in here,
and they sent me to confiscate it.
Oh. So a woman can't be Big Brother?
Well, that is patriarchy.
Judge Nulman. I'm Abby Stone.
Thank you. Always nice to meet a fan.
Oh.
I'm I'm not a fan.
I'm a judge in night court.
Aw. You can be a judge and a fan.
Hey. Sorry that we ran late.
It's just when the crowd
is that hot Well, you get it.
Oh, yeah. Totally. Totally.
I mean, I'm actually
a bit of a fun judge myself.
I wasn't in the Times,
but a quote of mine did appear
on a poster for "Sonic 3," so
Well, hey, since I'm here,
I'd love to stick around and,
uh, catch your session,
see how a fellow fun judge
rocks the bench.
All right.
Well, slap a jockstrap
on your front parts,
because Judge Abby's
about to go nice and hard.
- Gross ♪
- Gross ♪
- Gross ♪
- That's just gross ♪
Why am I clapping?
You just insulted me.
Dan, may I run something by you?
It would be my first big swing
as chief bailiff.
Are you gonna get rid
of the "all rise"?
'Cause I get comfortable.
Then I got to stand up.
It's a good idea.
No. A courthouse welcome video.
You know, we used to have a
welcome video back in the '80s.
- Why not just use that?
- Because this is the only copy.
Uh-huh.
Well, you know,
I can probably fix this,
but it's a rather technical process.
[CASSETTE CLICKING, RATTLING]
[SPITS]
- Oh!
- Good as new.
I found this VCR
in the evidence locker.
There was bread in it 'cause
people thought it was a toaster.
Hi. I'm Bailiff Roz Russell.
And if you're watching this,
you screwed up.
You didn't tell me Roz was
the star of the welcome video.
Yeah. No. I forget. She was in
all the instructional videos.
You know, when Roz Russell tells
you to do something, you do it!
I can't think of a better person
to welcome everyone
into the courthouse.
- We'll just use this.
- Yes. Absolutely.
- If it's not broke, don't fix it.
- Ooh! [GASPS]
Oh!
This is clearly broke, though.
♪♪
All rise. Manhattan Criminal
Court Part 2 is now in session.
And coming to the bench
She's cute, she's fun.
She likes her steak well done
It's the Honorable Judge Abby Stone.
Oh! Who's ready
to get this party started?!
Somebody say "Ho!"
Uh, you can't call us that anymore.
Oh, please, Lacy.
You called me a high-strung
bitch an hour ago.
What's with the entrance?
Nulman's here, so I'm puttin'
a little stank on it.
Okay.
Well, tonight's docket
has plenty of fun
damentally disturbed people.
Got it. Murder.
Attempted murder. Hit-and-run.
- Are any of these at least naked?
- Uh, the hit-and-run was.
But the victim landed
in a pair of pants.
How am I supposed to wow
Nulman with this bummerfest?
Oh, wait. Wait. How about this guy?
His name is Frankenstein.
It's actually not.
The People vs. Frank Enstein.
Hey, Gay Men's Choir, sing him in.
We're just waiting for our Uber.
Makes sense you don't have a car,
because you can't find a key.
Good evening, Frank Enstein.
And may I say that I too think
[DEEP VOICE] fire bad.
[LAUGHS]
- This thing on?
- It is.
Mr. Enstein is charged with littering.
And before you ask, it was a cup.
And not even a cool one.
Just that small cup they give you
when you want to drink
sink water at the movies.
All right, Counselor. Your turn.
[WHISPERING]
Please set me up to score.
Sorry, Your Honor. I got nothing.
My client feared
that his discarded cup
made it out to the open sea
and choked the Little Mermaid.
He pleads guilty and asks
for a moment of silence
to honor his ocean-dwelling victim.
If you listen, you could hear
her underwater screams.
Fine. Let's just do
the stupid silence.
You're not as fun as your name.
All right. Great. Guilty.
Please call me something fun.
[SCREAMS]
You asked for fun, and I delivered!
Oh!
Nulman!
♪♪
Unbelievable.
Everyone thinks Nulman
is the fun judge.
But my eyes are wide open.
Because you haven't blinked
since the snakes scared you.
I'm telling you. That guy set me up.
Abby, I think Nulman set you up.
See? I was right. How was I right?
- He stole all our fun cases.
- How fun we talkin'?
A grandma fight club.
Flasher flash mob.
The theft of a classroom hamster
named Nibble Nuts.
Was the hamster short-haired
or fluffy?
- Fluffy as hell.
- Mother fluffer.
He's coming for my territory.
- This is a turf war.
- Oh, please.
Now, if this were a real turf
war, you'd get one of these.
Oh. Scar's gone.
Huh. Cream worked.
If Nulman wants pranks,
he's gonna get pranks.
No. No pranks.
Yeah. These things escalate quickly.
It starts with silly snakes.
Next thing you know,
your college roommate
has turned your toilet
into a spring-loaded catapult.
What's the matter, Wyatt?
You don't think fun judge
can take a joke?
It's not a joke!
I have been able to put my
full weight on the toilet seat
in six years.
Oh, quit whining.
Your quads look amazing.
Roz, I'm so excited
you agreed to do this.
Man, I am so excited
you agreed to pay me.
But I don't see why we can't use
the old script.
Well, that one's a little dated.
You used terms like "homeless"
and talked about your boyfriend.
Mm. I haven't had a boyfriend
in a while.
[CHUCKLES] Just ask my wife.
Fine. I'll learn this one.
[CHUCKLES] Hey. Listen.
I-I had a thought about the script.
You know the scene where Roz tells us
which floor processing is on?
I think it'd be more compelling
if she was holding a big bag
of dog food.
This is a scam. Tell me how.
No, no, no. Listen.
Actors need to do something
with their hands
like when Marlon Brando
played with that glove
in "On the Waterfront."
But this would be better,
because instead of a glove,
it would be a big bag of dog food.
Explain the scam.
All right.
Every night, hundreds of people
are gonna see this video.
And I found a pet-store owner
who wants access to those eyeballs.
He gets advertising,
I get a small finder's fee,
and you get a-a bucket of cash
to do whatever you want.
Dan, this isn't a dog-food commercial.
This welcome video has got to be
like "Blaow!"
But also"Om-m-m-m."
But ultimately
"Bew-bew-bew-bew-bew!"
Come on. I want those things, too.
But those noises cost money.
And the only way to get it
is to have this dog food
in the commercial.
Are we doing this or what?
If it was good enough for Brando.
That's the spirit! Come on. Okay.
Hey, Roz
if you want to, touch it.
All right. Let's try one.
And action.
Welcome to Kight Nourt.
We got it. Moving on.
[CHUCKLES]
I-I think we need another one.
Huh? Really?
I thought that was perfect.
You know, that dog food is a star!
♪♪
[INHALES DEEPLY]
I'm not gonna lie.
This is a tough decision.
Some deliberation music
while I go over the file.
The judge is thinking,
the judge is thinking ♪
And we are singing while he thinks ♪
- [CHOIR HUMMING]
- What's to think about?
The case is a lady who
fell in love with a bus
and tried to drive it
back to her house.
- [HUMMING STOPS]
- Okay. I've decided.
Ms. Brickton if you want
monogamy, don't marry a bus.
Marry a penguin.
[LAUGHTER]
You think that's funny?
Wait until you see what happens
when he bangs his gavel.
Oh, I find the defendant guilty.
What? It didn't work.
Honestly, I expected more
from the Guaranteed Yuks section
at Goof-About's Prank
and Discount Cellphones.
My way would've worked.
Unless he's one of those people
chloroform makes stronger.
Let's take ten.
Oh, it's times like these
I wish they hadn't taken down
my Ring camera.
♪♪
All right.
Welcome to a friendly
but very mandatory mediation.
Is this really a matter for HR?
I mean, you did try to explode me.
I did set up a prank,
but not that prank.
Mine was a harmless whoopee
cushion with a smell component.
And after, I was gonna yell,
"Look who put the F-U in 'fun'!"
Instead, you put the F-U
in "full range of motion,"
which I've lost forever.
It's not fair. He started it.
With a few soft and silly snakes.
He's not telling the full story.
After the snakes,
he gave a mean laugh.
It was like this. "Heh-heh-heh-heh!"
Only laugh you got all night.
Look. Not all judges are fun!
And that's okay for you.
I think you rigged that prank
to make me look bad.
And on top of it,
you're stealing all my cases.
I'm telling you, Jake.
This guy's a sneak.
This is sounding a lot like the time
when you accused the pizza place
of stiffing you on garlic knots.
I paid for three knots!
They gave me two knots and a nub.
Remember when you called to complain?
You ate them all in a blind rage
while you berated the owner.
I would've gotten us a refund
if I hadn't said those things
- about his mother.
- Yeah.
So you two used to
munch knots together.
We dated.
Did you dump her
because she wasn't fun?
No. I was super fun.
He dumped me because I lied to him.
So the liar is calling me a sneak.
Don't use our relationship against me.
We are in a good place.
He's dating a lovely girl named Lucy.
Still? Not important.
Maybe we keep our history out of this.
You know, so it doesn't get awkward.
- Why would it get awkward?
- Because
I have to suspend you for
one week starting tonight.
You know, as luck would
have it, my nights are free.
I-I'd be Yeah. I'd be happy
to take over for Judge Stone.
Oh, my G That's what this is!
He doesn't just want my cases.
He wants my court.
- You have to believe me.
- I-I don't know what to believe.
No. Jake, she's right.
I want night court.
It's the jewel in the Manhattan
judicial system's crown.
That's why I've been plotting
against her all this time.
[LAUGHING] Can you imagine?
That's how crazy you sound.
♪♪
- What is all this?
- Oh! [LAUGHS, CLAPS HANDS]
This is all the bells and whistles.
Better to have and not need
than need and not have.
Huh? Come on. Hey.
Hey, everybody! The director's here!
Let's put one in the can!
- Here.
- Oh.
Action!
Booking is where you go
after you've been collared.
And speaking of collars,
easy-on-and-off dog collars
are on sale right now.
Uh, Mr. Gasparov wants
you to hold the collars up
a little higher in the frame.
Mr. Gasparov can kiss my ass.
Cut. Let's take a five.
What's the matter?
[SLAVIC ACCENT] Not enjoying
your Soviet dog food commercial?
I don't think this is
my vision anymore.
I don't even know
what he's supposed to be.
It all kind of got away from me.
Can I ask you a question?
You could have gotten
somebody else to do this video.
Why ask me?
Because you capture
everything this place is.
Underneath the tough exterior,
you're all heart.
Well, I feel the same way about you.
One chief bailiff to another,
you got this.
Just block out all the noise
and do your thing.
- Thanks, Roz.
- Roz is absolutely right.
This is your vision.
You know what would be great?
If your vision could also include
someone holding this bag
of frozen mice.
[SLAVIC ACCENT]
All mouse. No nitrates.
Dan, if you bring any more
pet stuff into this set,
I'm gonna put you in a freezer bag
and feed you to a snake.
Sorry, Gassy.
I thought you'd play along.
Apparently she's an artist.
♪♪
I can't believe I got suspended.
I'm a five-time winner of
the Courthouse Kindness Award.
Okay. Yes, I give it out.
But last month, I almost lost
to a therapy dog named Bingo.
Well, at least you don't
have to clerk for Nulman.
What if he pranks me?
I don't want a locker
filled with angry crabs.
No offense,
but you two suck at turf wars.
You can't give up after
just one threatening message
written in prison pudding.
No! You save that pudding.
And you make your enemies eat it.
What am I supposed to do?
Jake doesn't believe anything I say.
We need proof that
Nulman is out to get you.
Now, you hide a tape recorder
and you trick him into
admitting what he did.
He has what he wants.
Why would he meet with me again?
Ah. Leave it to me.
Oh. She told me to do that.
Well. she's fabulous.
I can't stay mad at her.
But you? I'm calling HR.
You're welcome.
♪♪
I see your boyfriend's late.
May I come in,
or are you going to accuse me
of giving you that haircut?
You know what?
I deserve that, 'cause I have
been acting crazy.
You're not some devious mastermind.
You're just a goofball
judge who got lucky.
Aww.
Sweetie, it was a
little more than luck.
Was it?
Because if that reporter came
when I was on the bench,
that article would have been
written about me.
You think career-defining
articles just happen?
No.
I orchestrated every
moment of my ascension
and your failure.
Airbagging myself and
getting you banished
was just the beginning.
With your court and its crazy cases,
there'll be no stopping me.
TV, podcast,
Fun Judge Robe Snuggies on QVC.
I'll have it all. A-ha-ha-ha.
A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
And that's how you do my mean laugh.
You just laughed your last laugh
while falling for
the oldest trick in the book.
Because my tape recorder
is really old,
and it's in this book.
Aah! Soft, silly snakes!
Looking for this?
Your clerk told me your plan
because he was afraid
I'd put crabs in his locker.
Which I hadn't even thought of
and then totally did.
You won't get away with this.
You sure?
'Cause I really feel like
I'm gettin' away with this.
Oh, yeah?
I thought I'd have a good
entrance line
once I got in here.
Sorry. What's happening?
I caught your confession
on Julianne's Ring camera.
And I was in on it the whole time.
- No, you weren't.
- No, I wasn't.
But I'm pleased and surprised
by this whole turn of events.
So what?
I'll move to Jersey court
and be on TV by Q1 next year.
Fun judge is going to be
in syndication, bitches.
Thank you for believing me.
I knew you would never
hurt someone on purpose.
And I called the pizza place.
They've been trying to
pass off nubs as knots
- since the pandemic.
- And the vegan pepperoni?
- Oh, yeah.
- I knew it was band-aids!
You know, I-I've been
thinking about you a lot
since we broke up
which is probably
why Lucy and I broke up.
Oh, Jake.
I'm so sorry
that I'm so happy right now.
Oh, will you nut up
and kiss him already?
I'll take this.
So, where were we?
You really think
that's my only camera?
[SIGHS]
I should probably go
deal with that, but, um
want to get coffee sometime?
You think you can just
suspend me and then ask me out?
'Cause you totally can.
♪♪
And if you learn nothing else
from this video,
know that all are welcome here.
Also know that
the women's restroom on 3
is out of service and always will be.
That was incredible.
- How long is it supposed to be?
- Two minutes.
- And how long is it?
- Four hours.
That video was strange.
It was beautiful.
It was you.
You even gave the product
placement dramatic importance.
I mean, I felt like I was
the dog food,
the dog food was me.
You know, if there's a sequel,
you could add some romance,
'cause that can happen
in this courthouse.
She wants us to ask
about her and Jake.
Which one's Jake?
The green man covered in balls?
No. That's Sandy. He's not into her.
Good work all around.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't we celebrate
by each of us adopting
and raising a dog?
You were paid in dogs, weren't you?
And frozen mice. Ah!
But those I can sell to the cafeteria.
sync & corrections awaqeded